RP Feedback Thread

[NSL]

Duke Miles - There's a lot wrong with this. I get the point you're a heel, but you also wanted to bash in Stacey's skull. That's wrong in a lot of ways. One, she's a woman, and two, she's an announcer. It's also way too short. Could've added more meat.

Max Karzai - I like the showmanship for the RP, and you give a really good glimpse at your character. Not bad for a first RP. Definitely looking forward to more in the future.

Chris Beckford - Terrific face RP. You set your priorities, with the next match being the biggest, and not overlooking your opponents. It wasn't too long, and not too short, and covered everything that needed to be covered for a debut.

 

[NSL]

Scott Hammond - Another good RP, but you need to remember that 1 solid RP will always beat 2 OK RPs. These are both good, but you need to make sure not to cover so much in one match, that you have nothing left when the major feuds start coming along.

Jordan Lights - This is a big upgrade over the first you had posted. I agree with Lee, that you should have used Leon in that role, and not Klamor. You gave a little more insight to the character, and it flowed a lot better than the paragraph you originally posted. I'd recommend laying off attacking the interviewer though...

 

[Lee]

Hammond #2 I think everything I liked in the first RP was cancelled by the second. Firstly there was the formatting: your first RP had blue text, your opponents had red so your second RP had red. The thing I liked about the first was it was an interview without an interviewer, here you brought in Leon and it just didn't work. We started to see Hammond as a heel which I liked I guess we'll see in weeks to come how it works.

 

[Blade]

NSL: I liked it. The interaction between Steel and his kid works so well. You barely mention anything about the match, but we still get the general idea about how Steel feels about it. And the "real life" thing is really cool, it easy to forget that wrestlers have a life away from the ring. Steel has his life with his son, and you use that well.

 

[Phoenix]

Blade - The one thing that reads out more than anything is that your mind is on the PPV match as opposed to this. That's all fine and everything, but when you're against two of the top RPers in this efed, it takes away the feeling of honour and gradeur about facing the World Champion. I think where you mentioned you took the best parts out for the PPV, this meant this RP has come a fortnight early.

The RP was great on the emotion factor because this what this tag match will be about, teaming up with your rival to win, everything's on red alert here. But my main criticism is the focus of the RP, it doesn't benefit the match you're having at the moment as opposed to the match you're going to have.


Scott Hammond - The first note is, and I pick this up alot from you, is you do have a tendancy to do more than one RP, that's all fine but as many mention one great RP benefits you so much better than two. If you win this match and get into the Lethal Lottery, you only got one RP to make an impact, just remember this because I do enjoy your RPs.

The first RP was great, I really enjoyed, it set the bar for your opponent, said everything you needed to say in a decent amount and I was impressed, you definitely will go far based on RPs like this, unfortunately the Second RP undid everything you had done. While some of the great matches have been about a great banter exchange in the RPs, sometimes less is more and it really took the wind out of your sails. It does happen, I remember a similiar thing happened to Showtime during his early days but he learnt from it.

Where the Second RP was great for a reaction, you should really decide on whether you should RP first and give a great one, or wait until your opponent posts to give a great reaction.

Matt Royale - A Solid RP, I really liked this one by you. Your character is starting to find his feet and really take flight here. Like Lee, the main criticism is the use of Leon, Johnny Klamor or Stacey Madison would have suited the role better. But otherwise, a solid outing and really impressive, covering your situations to the major stories of WZCW. Looking forward to what you have to say come the Lottery.

Will do some more later

 

[Blade]

Pheonix: I could see where it was going the moment I started reading but I'm guessing that was the point. Either way, I thought it was quite clever, I love the excuses your character made for why he looked different than Titus. I think it's interesting that you chose Steel to beat down. Many would think he's not the main threat in your match, but he has the son, so that adds an extra element to it. Makes the whole thing more personal. Good work overall.

 

[Lee]

JKO

Good points
The humour in the description worked pretty well.
Content wise it was allright nothing too exciting yet nothing that would mark it down.

Bad points

We get that you're called JKO you don't need to see it every other line.
Doing drugs in an RP seriously? I read that and judged the entire thing straight away as being rubbish. WZCW isn't PG but we follow the law.

What to improve?
Drop the drugs, JKO usage and format a bit better.

 

[NSL]

JKO - There's a lot of inconsistency here. You go from censoring out the weed, to being the "Marijuana Minister", and then go through a freestyle filled with curses and derogatory messages. It was funny, but for an RP, it's not up to par with the rest of the fed.

Phoenix - You bish! No further comment...

Carmen Bratchny - Great RP. It flowed well from beginning to end, and told a pretty good story. Hyping both of your teammates is also a great move. Not much I can say about it outside of that...

 

[NSL]

William Teach - Another good RP. I haven't seen Stacey used quite like that, but it worked within the setting. It was a fun read, and didn't give too much or too little.

 

[Mantaur Rodeo Clown]

Trevor Steel

I wasn't aware Trevor had a son. Or maybe I just wasnt paying enough attention. I'll be honest with you. I was never a big fan of Trevor Steel at the start. Only for the sole reason that he seems like a guy who doesnt shower. Especially after being drenched in milk and lying on the floor.But in recent RP's you've really started selling Trevor Steel to me, and no doubt theres big things awaiting for him. Im looking forward to whats next for him.

In terms of the RP, I'm a bit confused. I will scan the discussion thread for clues, but allowing yourself to be attacked by the rWo? You even set them up for it! haha, but the RP was very good, and the inclusion of Damien was very nice I thought, and added a novel way to introduce the match instead of the usual Interviewers slog that we always go through.

Very good RP I thought. Yay for NSL.

 

[NSL]

Karnage & Blade - I'm lumping these together, since you're teammates, and it's apparent you planned these out. They're good. Both characters come through well, and tell a good story. Blade definitely did better on the 2nd try, but don't make that a habit. The only thing I want to know, is why leave it hanging? Is there another part coming? Saying you need teamwork isn't the same as showing it. Otherwise, great set of RPs.

Kurtesy - Falkon, this character is what you should have gone with from the beginning. You have a great grasp of your character, and it flowed well from the lead Teach gave you. You also used Stacy a little better than he did, but that can all be sorted out as you work together more often.

 

[NSL]

Showtime - I liked this RP a lot. It carried the story well, and I was surprised at Chief Anoki showing himself. There was some really good back and forth with him, and it all built well towards the future. Attacking Klamour seemed a little out of place, but I'm guessing ou got permission...Either way, great heel promo.

Steamboat Ricky - Solid RP...Not much else I can say for now...

Byakko - Decent RP for a rookie. It gave me a decent idea of the character, and set you up well for the match.

Milenko - Not sure where to start here. It was OK, but short. You could have easily added a bit to it, just by going into detail on what you were telling your partner. "Whispering in his ear" doesn't advance anything, and would never be done in actual promo. You also didn't seem sure of yourself, and even for a face, it looks weak.

 

[NSL]

Ace David - Yet another solid RP in the series. Perfect way to round out the "attacks" and everything going on surrounding our match-up.

Titus - This just goes to show why you are the head of creative. Can you have a bad RP? This was a great wrap up to everything, and gives the team a boost going into the match.

 

[Lee]

Baker I love you as a face, the RP was good, I like the genuine excitement you had at winning the Mayhem belt. I liked how you still put other guys over and seemed to be honoured by it. I also like that the gangsta lingo is used a lot less which I prefer. There are a few things to improve, first off pink and red doesn't work well together, it hurts my head. Second of all you called Rush a monkey ass twice, just seemed like it wasn't needed the second time. The party seems banging though, much better than Ballers party.

In order to get feedback from me for this round I request feedback for the last shows in teh show review thread.

 

[Lee]

Karzai: I like how you did the thing with the fan, show's you care about them. Then after doing a very face opening you go into heel mode, very confusing indeed. I think you need to decide what you want your caharacter to be like and run with it. This will shape up in shows to come.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Because I can no longer eagerly await the 16th to post feedback , I shall be doing the post ****ing thing that so many do and post my first batch of feedback... I'm trying to go for Gelgarin style, so can I get some feedback on my heelish feedback?

Max Karzai: Since I cannot comment on my own RP in this thread, I will not be referencing it when I say that I believe thus far you have the edge in winning the chance to face David Cougar for the title. Short, solid RP that delivered its points. I can see how you did the Face as the Heel directed at the Heel RP, but it may have needed a little bit better execution considering Lee had no idea what you were doing.

And please... use colour for your character, not bold highlighting. Italics/underlines/bold are all for describing the situation/other RP stuff like names. Colours are for dialogue.

Jordan Lights: Great start to an RP, much better than you last ones. However, the rant disappointed me. I don't mind people using the simple formula of a straight attack of your opponent... but it was done in a heelish fashion. I believe that you are supposed to be a judge, but a face one. So, something like interrupting Becky Serra was a little out of place. Your character better suits being a heel and you seem to write like one, so I'd ask for the change if I were you.

Scott Hammond: Look out Karzai, you have some competition. I liked this cocky heel promo from you. It was really well done considering most of the guys who are competing for the shot are faces and Cougar is a heel. You seemed to assert yourself as the more dominate heel. However, the fact you told Leon about the open challenge with you being the potential canididate to wrestle that match seems a little out of place as well. Leon is a reporter who knows these facts, no need to act like he doesn't know. If Karzai doesn't get the shot, you will.

Lars Reidar & James Baker: Great RP's. Enough for Reidar to become WZCW Champion and enough for Baker to last until the end. Not sure about the win.

Mr. Baller: I can see why you are the comedic jobber of the entire e-fed. But, I have enjoyed your RP's as of late and dealing with the situation well. So, let's get started:

- Is it Becky or Stacey?
- Coming out party? Are you gay?
- The rap was a nice touch, but it seems very very forced. Not as effective as Garth Black's or William Teach's from the past few weeks.
- Why are you going to work as soon as you get a drink? Bad placement in my view.

Yeah... you ain't winning the LL. But, the RP was enough to get you to last throughout to the near end. Let's just wait and see what the other guys do.

 

[Dave]

NSL@Showtime: OK, this is a good RP. It is well written, well structured and very good in terms content. The only problem I had with it was that it seems a little over-board. You have basically trashed the man's set and it sort of seemed like a heel RP to me in the way that you just ploughed on ahead. Sure, it got over with the comedy towards the end but it just seemed really out of your personality. Of course, you would be the expect though about your personality, who am I to comment?

NSL@LL: Wow! I loved this RP. It was so full of raw emotion and feeling that I couldn't help but picture every little part of it. This is an astounding RP. Fantastic work.

 

[NSL]

Blade

For the #20 Match - This was a very good RP. It showed a different side, and that's what you needed to do to overcome this obstacle. Karnage is no easy foe, and you can tell Blade knows there's a job that needs to be finished. Flowed well, and formatted well.

Lethal Lottery - Another good RP. It was short, but there's not much to go on, without knowing if you're actually in the match or not. It seemed a little "cocky heel-ish", but it followed up well off the last RP.

 

[Blade]

NSL

EurAsian title match: Very cool. I was smiling the whole way through. It was a nice change from the the usual seriousness that surrounds Steel. I think you should do more comedic RP's for less important matches, I think that'd be great. In fact, I wouldn't be too surprised if you actually got into the EurAsian title match just because of the cleverness of that RP. Obviously, it's not supposed to be taken 100% seriously. But still good job.

Lethal Lottery match: Ok, what can I say about this. It didn't have a hook at the start, I think great RP's should interest the reader from the very beginning and I think it started off kinda slow. But when you got into it, I liked it. Very few people can write an RP where their character is saying something so passionate and emotional without unintentionally using a lot of cliches, but I think you pulled it off very well. Good job.

 

[NSL]

Lars Reidar - Great RP. It was dark and mysterious, like you'd expect before a Buried Alive Match, and filled me in on the past between Lars and Leon. Great story, nice formatting...Good luck trying to win some gold at Lethal Lottery.

 

[NSL]

Karnage - Honestly, I only skimmed the diary entry. It was a word wall. The RP tells a good story, and expands on your character, but I'm not familiar with Sanna's history in WZCW, so it didn't have the added "pop" (for me) that you were probably going for.

 

[Blade]

Lars Reidar: This was very cool. You have an ability to create an atmosphere in a way that no one else in WZCW can match. And that ability was in full force for this RP. Good work. Also, I love Shakespeare so I popped a little for the Macbeth reference

 

[The Doctor]

William Teach:
This is my first time reviewing an RP, so Ill do my best.
To be honest, it wasn't up to par with your usual work. I've said before that your character is my favorite and that I love your RPs, bt this one just seemed to be lacking something. The song titles idea was interesting, but I don't think it put you over enough. I have to give you props for using the Sux Karzai line I made for Baller, though. That brought a smile to my face.

 

[The Doctor]

Cory Bowen
I really enjoyed it. You put over your opponents and yourself while doing it, and it was a nice read. It also might have helped that I listened to "The Great Milenko" at the same time. It created more interest in the match, and was solid.
However, you need to work on punctuation. In particular, start using some commas.

 

[Lee]

Bowen

I actually enjoyed the rp, it was a good way of doing it with past present future putting your opponents over but still saying you're going to win it. Plus the list of 20 didn't feel like it was there to pad out the rp!