V
VinceRusso
Guest
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOMM!! Fireworks fill the arena and SmackDown! is coming to you LIVE (well, pre-recorded) on UPN. We join Michael Cole and John Bradshaw Layfield at ringside.
Michael Cole - The biggest party of the summer is just a few days away and boy do we have a show for you!!
JBL - That's right Michael, we do have a show!!
Michael Cole - After the unparralleled ratings success of last week's Diva Search segment with special guest judge Luke Perry, Luke has graciously agreed to return to the SmackDown! fold and he's gonna special referee tonight when Ashley takes on Kristal in the first ever Winner-Wins-a-Date-with-Luke-Perry match!!
JBL - That is gonna be one heated battle.
Michael Cole - And The Great Khali will face the Deadman in a Last Man Standing match!!
JBL - Yes he will!!!
Michael Cole - And just announced on WWE.com, Chavo Guerrero faces Rey Mysterio tonight!!
Trumpets blare through the arena, and World Champion King Booker comes out to the ring with his Queen Sharmell in tow. After about 20 minutes he finally gets in the ring and grabs a microphone, but before he can say a word BATISTA's music hits and the crowd shit a brick.
Michael Cole - Oh my!!!!!
Batista storms out to the ring looking more focused than ever. He yanks Booker's mic right out of hands.
Batista - Booker, I just talked to the booker, and we don't have to wait 'til Sunday to get it on. I get to kick your ass RIGHT NOW!!!
The crowd shits an even larger brick.
Michael Cole - OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Teddy Long's music hits and he steps out onto the stage holding a microphone of his own.
Teddy Long - Hold on there playa, I don't think I explained myself clearly enough. Now Batista, you get to whup Booker's ass, right here, right now, and you get to do it for the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!!
Michael Cole - OHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JBL - Shut the fuck up Cole.
Teddy Long - But it ain't gonna be a one-on-one match. (The crowd are bemused) It's gonna be a winner-of-the-fall-gets-the-title-tag-team-match!
Michael - OHHHHHH--
JBL - SHUT THE FUCK UP COLE!!
Batista - Teddy, I don't care who's ass I gotta kick, I'm taking my title back and I'm taking it back now. (Crowd makes some noise) So who's Booker's tag partner? Finlay? Regal? The little bastard? I'll take all of 'em on.
Teddy Long - King Booker's tag partner is... SHARMELL!!!
Sharmell and Booker exchange a "what the fuck" kind of look as the crowd pops.
Teddy Long - And Batista, playa, your tag partner is the baddest motherfucker on SmackDown!........ fuck being special referee for two hos, hos before bros motherfucker, so Batista, this is your tag partner........ LUKE MOTHERFUCKING PERRY!!!!
Luke Perry walks out and waves to the crowd and gets an even bigger pop than Batista got.
Teddy Long - And dat shit's going down... RIGHT MOTHERFUCKING NOW!!!
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
WINNER OF THE FALL GETS THE TITLE
King Booker (c) and Sharmell vs. Batista and Luke Perry
As Perry gets into the ring, Batista clotheslines King Booker right out over the top rope, sending his crown flying off. As Booker stumbles back to his feet, Batista gets out of the ring, then tosses him straight over the barrier into the crowd. Batista hops over after him and they brawl through the crowd. Back in the ring, Sharmell and Luke Perry stare straight at one another. Perry offers his hand for Sharmell to shake, but when she holds out her hand, Perry kicks her STRAIGHT CLEAN IN THE VAGINA!!! The crowd goes fucking nuts. Sharmell falls to the mat in agony, and Luke Perry makes the cover for the 1-2-3!!
Winner and NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION Luke Perry
Michael Cole - Tonight will go down as one of the most historic nights in professional wrestling history!! Luke Perry, perhaps the greatest American actor of all time, with a career spanning two millenia, finally gets the big one!!
JBL - Much as I dislike the guy, I gotta say he deserves this more than anyone.
The crowd are on their feet giving Perry a standing ovation as we cut to commercial.
[Commercials]
When we come back, we see a quick clip of Batista kicking the shit out of King Booker at the merch stand, completely oblivious to the fact that we have a new World Champion.
LAST MAN STANDING MATCH
The Undertaker vs The Great Khali
DONG. Khali's already in the ring as we return. DONG. The lights in the arena dim as Undertaker makes his entrance to a very loud but very mixed reaction. He gets into the ring and goes face-to-face with Khali. Neither man backs down. Neither man does anything. At all. They stare holes straight through each other. The tension is immense. Neither man is backing down. Neither man is flinching. The fans in the arena are holding their breath in anticipation. Taker rolls his eyes back, revealing the whites, and the crowd pops. Khali laughs at this. He thinks this is pathetic. Taker stares at Khali. Khali stares straight back. Undertaker slowly moves his thumb across his throat, signalling that Khali is dead. The crowd pops. Khali laughs. This doesn't impress The Great Khali. Undertaker stares straight at him. Undertaker isn't afraid. But neither is Khali. Their eyes are locked on one another. Neither man is showing any fear at all. This could be one of the most epic confrontations in professional wrestling history. Neither man is showing any emotion now. Khali is no longer laughing. It's time to get serious. Both men stare at each other, stare straight through each other. Neither of them blink. Neither of them back down. The crowd breaks into a TNA-style "THIS IS AWESOME!!" chant. Neither Khali nor The Undertaker are showing any sign of fatigue. They could seemingly last all night. Both men are staring straight holes through each other.
Michael Cole - My God, what a match-up!! Don't go anywhere, this one will continue when SmackDown! returns!!
[Commercials]
We return to the Taker/Khali match. Khali is stood proud in the ring, his face a bloodied mess, as Taker lies down on the canvas, in a pool of his own blood. The referee is counting, and he's up to 6. The ring is filled with debris - twisted steel chairs, broken tables, dented ladders. Davari lies in the wreckage of one table. Paul Bearer lies at ringside, motionless. 7. Cole and JBL's announce table has been completely obliterated. The atmosphere in the arena is electric. 8. Every single fan is on their feet, except for one who lies in the remains of the Spanish annouce table. 9. Khali lifts his arms above his head and makes some weird noise in celebration. 10.
Winner The Great Khali
The fans go insane, and break out into a massive "KHALI!! KHALI!! KHALI!!" chant.
Michael Cole - Nobody thought he could do it. They all thought this would be the end for Khali. All the internet workrate geeks ridiculed him. Well, let me tell you something, there is not one other man on this planet who could pack as much action into a three minute commercial break as these two just did.
JBL - I concur.
We then cut to outside the arena, where Batista, still oblivious to Luke Perry's title win, is chasing King Booker T. Booker outruns Batista and hops on a bus. Batista runs after him, but the doors close and it pulls off. Frustrated, Batista sits down at the bus stop in wait.
[Commercial Break]
Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is talking to Chavo.
Vickie - Please Chavo, don't do this.
Chavo - I'm gonna do it, Vickie. I'm gonna kill that little bastard Rey Mysterio. That's MY PUSH. I should of won the Royal Rumble. I should of headlined WrestleMania. I should have better merchandising.
Vickie - But Chavo, your not as marketable. You don't have such an easily recognisable gimmick. Please Chavo, try to understand--
Chavo - I don't understand, Vickie. All my career, any time I get some momentum I get buried. Well tonight I'm gonna kick Rey's ass. I'm gonna kill Rey Mysterio. In a casket match. And then Rey will be buried. Just like Eddie. Rey wants to steal a Guerrero's thunder, well he can steal it directly from Eddie when he sees him... IN HELL!!!
Chavo walks off. Vickie bursts into tears. Vince McMahon chuckles to himself in the background.
[Commercial Break]
We cut to somewhere downtown, as King Booker gets off the bus. He stops a passing bum.
King Booker - Peasant, pray tell, where am I?
Bum - Fuck you ******.
King Booker wanders off.
A few moments later, another bus pulls up and Batista gets off. He walks over to the bum.
Batista - Excuse me sir, have you see a middle-aged black guy dressed as a monarch around here?
Bum - Fuck you ******.
Batista - Sorry to bother you.
Batista walks off in the opposite direction to the one Booker walked off in, and we cut back to ringside.
Michael Cole - Can you believe what Chavo Guerrero just said?
JBL - No.
Michael Cole - Oh... me neither. Well Rey gets a chance for a little revenge later tonight when he takes on Chavo in a CASKET MATCH!!
JBL - Yes he does.
Teddy Long comes out.
Teddy Long - Holla. Since we got a new World Champ, we gone have a new World Title match at SummerSlam, you dig? So the winner of dis Rey Chavo match tonight gets a title match at SummerSlam. Okay?
The crowd doesn't seem to give a shit one way or the other.
[Commercial Break]
Some bland newcomers have matches with each other.
[Commercial Break]
Some more bland newcomers have matches with each other.
[Commercial Break]
#1 CONTENDER'S CASKET MATCH
Chavo Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio
The casket's at ringside. Chavo's in the ring. Rey music hits. He does his usual ring entrance to an above-average-but-not-main-event-standard pop. He gets in the ring, and drop toe holds Chavo. Chavo lands across the bottom rope. Rey hits the 619!!! Chavo bounces back to his feet holding his face, and this one's gotta be over, that's a fucking finishing move. Chavo falls to the mat. Rey rolls him over to the casket, pops the lid AND EDDIE GUERRERO JUMPS OUT!!!! The crowd goes insane. Eddie pulls a steel chair out of the casket and smacks Rey in the head with it. Rey falls into the casket. Eddie then gets into the ring and rolls Chavo into the casket, before closing the lid!!
WINNER Eddie Guerrero
Michael Cole - OH MY!!!! Eddie fooled us all!! I don't think ANYBODY saw that coming!!
JBL - Please Cole, it was obvious from the beginning.
Eddie then opens the casket again and Chavo gets out. He hugs his uncle. They then close the casket, grab some gasoline from under the ring, pour it all over the casket, then drop a lit match on it. BOOM!! That shit goes up in flames. SmackDown! goes off the air as Eddie and Chavo stand victorious by the flaming casket.
Michael Cole - This does not bode well for Luke Perry!!!
Michael Cole - The biggest party of the summer is just a few days away and boy do we have a show for you!!
JBL - That's right Michael, we do have a show!!
Michael Cole - After the unparralleled ratings success of last week's Diva Search segment with special guest judge Luke Perry, Luke has graciously agreed to return to the SmackDown! fold and he's gonna special referee tonight when Ashley takes on Kristal in the first ever Winner-Wins-a-Date-with-Luke-Perry match!!
JBL - That is gonna be one heated battle.
Michael Cole - And The Great Khali will face the Deadman in a Last Man Standing match!!
JBL - Yes he will!!!
Michael Cole - And just announced on WWE.com, Chavo Guerrero faces Rey Mysterio tonight!!
Trumpets blare through the arena, and World Champion King Booker comes out to the ring with his Queen Sharmell in tow. After about 20 minutes he finally gets in the ring and grabs a microphone, but before he can say a word BATISTA's music hits and the crowd shit a brick.
Michael Cole - Oh my!!!!!
Batista storms out to the ring looking more focused than ever. He yanks Booker's mic right out of hands.
Batista - Booker, I just talked to the booker, and we don't have to wait 'til Sunday to get it on. I get to kick your ass RIGHT NOW!!!
The crowd shits an even larger brick.
Michael Cole - OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Teddy Long's music hits and he steps out onto the stage holding a microphone of his own.
Teddy Long - Hold on there playa, I don't think I explained myself clearly enough. Now Batista, you get to whup Booker's ass, right here, right now, and you get to do it for the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!!
Michael Cole - OHHHHHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JBL - Shut the fuck up Cole.
Teddy Long - But it ain't gonna be a one-on-one match. (The crowd are bemused) It's gonna be a winner-of-the-fall-gets-the-title-tag-team-match!
Michael - OHHHHHH--
JBL - SHUT THE FUCK UP COLE!!
Batista - Teddy, I don't care who's ass I gotta kick, I'm taking my title back and I'm taking it back now. (Crowd makes some noise) So who's Booker's tag partner? Finlay? Regal? The little bastard? I'll take all of 'em on.
Teddy Long - King Booker's tag partner is... SHARMELL!!!
Sharmell and Booker exchange a "what the fuck" kind of look as the crowd pops.
Teddy Long - And Batista, playa, your tag partner is the baddest motherfucker on SmackDown!........ fuck being special referee for two hos, hos before bros motherfucker, so Batista, this is your tag partner........ LUKE MOTHERFUCKING PERRY!!!!
Luke Perry walks out and waves to the crowd and gets an even bigger pop than Batista got.
Teddy Long - And dat shit's going down... RIGHT MOTHERFUCKING NOW!!!
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP
WINNER OF THE FALL GETS THE TITLE
King Booker (c) and Sharmell vs. Batista and Luke Perry
As Perry gets into the ring, Batista clotheslines King Booker right out over the top rope, sending his crown flying off. As Booker stumbles back to his feet, Batista gets out of the ring, then tosses him straight over the barrier into the crowd. Batista hops over after him and they brawl through the crowd. Back in the ring, Sharmell and Luke Perry stare straight at one another. Perry offers his hand for Sharmell to shake, but when she holds out her hand, Perry kicks her STRAIGHT CLEAN IN THE VAGINA!!! The crowd goes fucking nuts. Sharmell falls to the mat in agony, and Luke Perry makes the cover for the 1-2-3!!
Winner and NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION Luke Perry
Michael Cole - Tonight will go down as one of the most historic nights in professional wrestling history!! Luke Perry, perhaps the greatest American actor of all time, with a career spanning two millenia, finally gets the big one!!
JBL - Much as I dislike the guy, I gotta say he deserves this more than anyone.
The crowd are on their feet giving Perry a standing ovation as we cut to commercial.
[Commercials]
When we come back, we see a quick clip of Batista kicking the shit out of King Booker at the merch stand, completely oblivious to the fact that we have a new World Champion.
LAST MAN STANDING MATCH
The Undertaker vs The Great Khali
DONG. Khali's already in the ring as we return. DONG. The lights in the arena dim as Undertaker makes his entrance to a very loud but very mixed reaction. He gets into the ring and goes face-to-face with Khali. Neither man backs down. Neither man does anything. At all. They stare holes straight through each other. The tension is immense. Neither man is backing down. Neither man is flinching. The fans in the arena are holding their breath in anticipation. Taker rolls his eyes back, revealing the whites, and the crowd pops. Khali laughs at this. He thinks this is pathetic. Taker stares at Khali. Khali stares straight back. Undertaker slowly moves his thumb across his throat, signalling that Khali is dead. The crowd pops. Khali laughs. This doesn't impress The Great Khali. Undertaker stares straight at him. Undertaker isn't afraid. But neither is Khali. Their eyes are locked on one another. Neither man is showing any fear at all. This could be one of the most epic confrontations in professional wrestling history. Neither man is showing any emotion now. Khali is no longer laughing. It's time to get serious. Both men stare at each other, stare straight through each other. Neither of them blink. Neither of them back down. The crowd breaks into a TNA-style "THIS IS AWESOME!!" chant. Neither Khali nor The Undertaker are showing any sign of fatigue. They could seemingly last all night. Both men are staring straight holes through each other.
Michael Cole - My God, what a match-up!! Don't go anywhere, this one will continue when SmackDown! returns!!
[Commercials]
We return to the Taker/Khali match. Khali is stood proud in the ring, his face a bloodied mess, as Taker lies down on the canvas, in a pool of his own blood. The referee is counting, and he's up to 6. The ring is filled with debris - twisted steel chairs, broken tables, dented ladders. Davari lies in the wreckage of one table. Paul Bearer lies at ringside, motionless. 7. Cole and JBL's announce table has been completely obliterated. The atmosphere in the arena is electric. 8. Every single fan is on their feet, except for one who lies in the remains of the Spanish annouce table. 9. Khali lifts his arms above his head and makes some weird noise in celebration. 10.
Winner The Great Khali
The fans go insane, and break out into a massive "KHALI!! KHALI!! KHALI!!" chant.
Michael Cole - Nobody thought he could do it. They all thought this would be the end for Khali. All the internet workrate geeks ridiculed him. Well, let me tell you something, there is not one other man on this planet who could pack as much action into a three minute commercial break as these two just did.
JBL - I concur.
We then cut to outside the arena, where Batista, still oblivious to Luke Perry's title win, is chasing King Booker T. Booker outruns Batista and hops on a bus. Batista runs after him, but the doors close and it pulls off. Frustrated, Batista sits down at the bus stop in wait.
[Commercial Break]
Backstage, Vickie Guerrero is talking to Chavo.
Vickie - Please Chavo, don't do this.
Chavo - I'm gonna do it, Vickie. I'm gonna kill that little bastard Rey Mysterio. That's MY PUSH. I should of won the Royal Rumble. I should of headlined WrestleMania. I should have better merchandising.
Vickie - But Chavo, your not as marketable. You don't have such an easily recognisable gimmick. Please Chavo, try to understand--
Chavo - I don't understand, Vickie. All my career, any time I get some momentum I get buried. Well tonight I'm gonna kick Rey's ass. I'm gonna kill Rey Mysterio. In a casket match. And then Rey will be buried. Just like Eddie. Rey wants to steal a Guerrero's thunder, well he can steal it directly from Eddie when he sees him... IN HELL!!!
Chavo walks off. Vickie bursts into tears. Vince McMahon chuckles to himself in the background.
[Commercial Break]
We cut to somewhere downtown, as King Booker gets off the bus. He stops a passing bum.
King Booker - Peasant, pray tell, where am I?
Bum - Fuck you ******.
King Booker wanders off.
A few moments later, another bus pulls up and Batista gets off. He walks over to the bum.
Batista - Excuse me sir, have you see a middle-aged black guy dressed as a monarch around here?
Bum - Fuck you ******.
Batista - Sorry to bother you.
Batista walks off in the opposite direction to the one Booker walked off in, and we cut back to ringside.
Michael Cole - Can you believe what Chavo Guerrero just said?
JBL - No.
Michael Cole - Oh... me neither. Well Rey gets a chance for a little revenge later tonight when he takes on Chavo in a CASKET MATCH!!
JBL - Yes he does.
Teddy Long comes out.
Teddy Long - Holla. Since we got a new World Champ, we gone have a new World Title match at SummerSlam, you dig? So the winner of dis Rey Chavo match tonight gets a title match at SummerSlam. Okay?
The crowd doesn't seem to give a shit one way or the other.
[Commercial Break]
Some bland newcomers have matches with each other.
[Commercial Break]
Some more bland newcomers have matches with each other.
[Commercial Break]
#1 CONTENDER'S CASKET MATCH
Chavo Guerrero vs Rey Mysterio
The casket's at ringside. Chavo's in the ring. Rey music hits. He does his usual ring entrance to an above-average-but-not-main-event-standard pop. He gets in the ring, and drop toe holds Chavo. Chavo lands across the bottom rope. Rey hits the 619!!! Chavo bounces back to his feet holding his face, and this one's gotta be over, that's a fucking finishing move. Chavo falls to the mat. Rey rolls him over to the casket, pops the lid AND EDDIE GUERRERO JUMPS OUT!!!! The crowd goes insane. Eddie pulls a steel chair out of the casket and smacks Rey in the head with it. Rey falls into the casket. Eddie then gets into the ring and rolls Chavo into the casket, before closing the lid!!
WINNER Eddie Guerrero
Michael Cole - OH MY!!!! Eddie fooled us all!! I don't think ANYBODY saw that coming!!
JBL - Please Cole, it was obvious from the beginning.
Eddie then opens the casket again and Chavo gets out. He hugs his uncle. They then close the casket, grab some gasoline from under the ring, pour it all over the casket, then drop a lit match on it. BOOM!! That shit goes up in flames. SmackDown! goes off the air as Eddie and Chavo stand victorious by the flaming casket.
Michael Cole - This does not bode well for Luke Perry!!!