The John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks

[Tenta]

Welcome, one and all, friends and spammers, to the newly created, and hopefully prosperous, John Tenta for Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. It is here that we recognize all of the moments in wrestling that will live always live in our brains, and will always bring back memories. It will take you places you haven't experienced since you were a child. These are the types of gimmicks and moments that make up the basis of what it means to be a wrestling fan.

But not for any good reason, whatsoever.

No, this is the absolute dread of the wrestling world. The only place these "memories" belong near the Hall of Fame is an outhouse, or buried far below the Earth's surface, so that man nor demon can reach for it again. And I assure you, it's far more likely that demons will retrieve, because it also makes for the absolute worst torture in Hell. Instead of reliving these moments, we'd rather eat a stable full of manure. You couldn't smoke enough pot, take enough acid, and have any amount of lobotomies that could reverse the trauma these events put you through as a wrestling fan. This is exactly what happens when the Creative Reins for promoters are not held in check; the promoter takes us off the enjoyable path we once had, and rather drives us off of the bridge at full speed, with a one way ticket to Hell, non-stop.

And while there are plenty of likely candidates I could choose to become the first inductee into The JTMOTG, there is one that, at this moment, sticks out in my mind. This group absolutely personified how to kill buy rates, and to effectively bring your promotion down to ground zero. And what better first inductee to choose for the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks than the group that will probably go down as the most despicable, vile, vomit eating, ass licking, bottom dwelling, bestiality supporting, atrocious stable to have ever existed:

The Dungeon of Doom

What was this: This was, basically, WCW's attempt at creating a group that outweighed the entire population of New Zealand. At this point, Hulk Hogan was feuding with a monster of a man named Vader, who was pretty much the biggest heel that WCW had. He was menacing, he worked pretty damn hard, he was as agile as a cat, and to top it all off, he was a credible challenge to Hulkamania. This was the man that made a habit of ending careers. Surely enough, this man should have gotten the upper hand on Hogan on a few occasions, and created a feud that possibly could have lasted until Starrcade.

So what did they decide to do with Hulk Hogan?

They put him in a feud with this man:

Around the world, audiences pondered heavily over the open ended questions this feud would give to the wrestling world. Mainly, they went along the lines of, "How the fuck did they decide to do this?", and "Why is a relative jobber feuding with the biggest face in the company?", and especially, "Why didn't WCW shut down much earlier than it did?"

And all of these questions all provided one exemplary answer; I have absolutely no fucking idea.

Around this point, WCW realized exactly what we all did, that no one was going to believe in a feud between Hulk Hogan and Kevin Sullivan. So instead, they decided to add some muscle around him. Or perhaps I should say, some fat. WCW saw it fit to place as many of the super heavyweights in the wrestling business not named Vader or Yokozuna in a stable or "scary" gimmicks. Some of these wrestlers, made some sense, due to them either

A. Having a savage nature
B. Not being able to speak English (at least, I'm pretty sure that's how WCW went about their business)

Names like Kamala and Meng (formerly Haku of WWE... But with far bit more of a pudge to him at this point) were brought in to horrify the audience, and meanwhile, names that had formerly feuded with Hogan had been repackaged as "evil" wrestlers. Such names included Brutus Beefcake, now known as The Zodiac (I will always love Bobby Heenan's line of "Well, it's obvious he rode around in the convertible today", in reference to his hair sticking up), and of course, one of my favorite wrestlers, John Tenta. Except, John Tenta was repackaged as "The Shark", a wrestler who wanted to "Eat all the little Hulkamaniacs". I kid you not. As a matter of fact, as rumors state, WCW tried to push this gimmick so far down John Tenta's throat, they actually forced him to remove his tiger tattoo on his arm, and replace it with a shark. Anyway, this particular set of fatties set out to destroy Hulkamania, and everything it stood for. Names would come and go, such as The One Man Gang, Big Bubba Rogers, and the infamous Loch Ness (We'll hear more of him later, folks.)

However, there was another name that came out of this group, and established himself as a force in WCW. The man was seven feet tall, weighed four hundred and fifty pounds of muscle, and was agile as a cat. This man, known as The Big Show, was a star waiting to happen, and he was a giant. So, of course, it only made sense to label this man “The Giant”. Now all this mountain of a man needed was a gimmick to get himself over, and boy, did WCW have a doozie prepared for this man.

They were going to label this man as the son of Andre the Giant.

[youtube]iDQBQOc1Dno[/youtube]

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Anyway, this didn’t do much damage to his career in the long run, but it was immensely tasteless, and showed little respect for a man who helped paved the business. Simply enough, pawning off the name of a legend to just get a bit of heat is never a good idea.

It is now in which I will reveal the Match of Ineptitude, in which I release a match that personifies everything that was horrendous about this gimmick. While many matches could be used, nothing describes the inept nature of the Dungeon of Doom than Fall Brawl 1995, at the War Games. It was a match that, when all of the members of the Horsemen die, will be the reason they spin in their graves. So without further ado, let’s go to the match:






And thus, if that wasn’t enough evidence for you, let’s go into:

Why This Gimmick Failed: Why didn’t it fail? It was everything a stable is not supposed to be. Surely all these men, who while they aren’t the greatest of wrestlers, are still fairly competent in their own right, should have at least gotten the heat on Hulk Hogan once or twice. But instead, they were made to look like absolute buffoons. They never even came close to beating Hulk Hogan, even though the odds were highly in their favor. I recall one instance in which Hulk Hogan fought all nine then members of the Dungeon of Doom off, while entrapped in a steel cage.

If that is not a group that doesn’t reek of suckitude, I don’t know what is?

Not only that, but the horrifying gimmicks… Well, they were anything but. These weren’t monsters; they were cartoons. They were literal animated caricatures of their former selves, and nobody bought into these gimmicks whatsoever. It’s kind of hard to get over with the crowd when they are told that you are from “Tsunami”. While WCW tried to make monsters, they instead made morons, who had no chance against the mighty Hulk Hogan.

Plus, admittedly, these men just couldn’t work. None, with the exception of The Giant, were that good in the ring. The group mainly consisted of a big pile of puppy poop in the ring, and there is no way to get past that. Even The Shark, one of my favorites, couldn’t work that much of a match anymore, and was mainly limited to five or six minute showings whenever he wrestled. Perhaps if they added a technician or two into the fold, this thing could have been over for, I don’t know, a week or two. Or maybe, they could have decided to put this group together with the most over heel WCW had to offer. But of course, the wise men of WCW decided to turn Vader face… And then Vader completely went bat shit crazy, and got himself fired. There are so many horrendous things about this group, but to put it simply, this group had no redeeming grace whatsoever… Or did it?

The Moment of Saving Grace: This is the portion of the induction in which I speak about something positive for the group. Now I know what you’re saying, what good could have possibly come from this group. Of all the horrendous things you’ve said, how could this group possibly be saved in fan’s eyes? What was there to care about within this group?

It’s very simple: The Big Show.

The Big Show spawned from this group, as an unstoppable monster, the likes of which even Hulk Hogan struggled with. WCW created a heel that would go on a tear, and become a legitimate star, one of the few they actually created. Now, we view The Big Show as one of the best superheavyweights in pro wrestling, and though we may be unimpressed with his work, none can deny that when this man is motivated, he’s a damn good worker, and has all the potential to be a great main event heel. And in the long run, one of The Dungeon’s main goals was to get this monster over?

Does that mean… My Gosh…. The Dungeon of Doom was a…. a …. Success?

[youtube]V3y3QoFnqZc[/youtube]

Thank you, Dr. Cox. Anyway, no, The Giant got over because he was damn good. If anything, The Dungeon was holding him back. But then again, that seems to be the case for The Dungeon of Doom, and the story of their lives. Inept, pathetic, and holding WCW back from what potentially was going to happen next. And that’s why this group earns the first slot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Join us tomorrow (or next week… I really haven’t decided) when we take a look at the next induction into the JTMOTG:

The Giant Gonzales

See ya then.

 

[CJGV1]

I like how this was put together. somewhat entertaining. on to more pressing matters....

am i correct in saying that this was around the time wcw was filmed in the disney studios? i vaguely remember hogans conference when he signed for wcw was at disney world or some place of that general description. my point being had this being the case i think it was probably intentional the heels were laughable characters much like cartoon bad guys of the past. Hulk hogan destroying these larger than life (oooo a pun haha) charcters probably was to re-affirm his status as a hero. unfortunately it was more a case of an icon running out of steam beating up guys mostly past their prime in mickey mouse costumes literally.

of course if im wrong pretty much forget what i said. my memory isnt quite wht it used to be....

 

[Tenta]

Welcome, one again, all friends and spammers, as we open our doors to the never attempted, easily duplicated John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Last night, we graciously opened our doors to you, the loyal fans of all that is wretched and putrid about the wrestling business, and the moments that left you checking yourself into the asylum, for the sheer insanity of what you're eyes have just been forced to witness. None of this is pretty, whatsoever, so for those with a fragile stomach, or have a stable sense of logic, I beseech you to approach the next exhibit with caution, as both will be extremely challenged. But if I may, let me give a proper introduction to the next.... Well, inductee.... Into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks.

Ah yes, The Undertaker... One of the greatest wrestlers in the annals of the WWE's storied history. This man took a gimmick that surely had no business lasting as long as it did, and prolonging the gimmick for about a good eighteen years. His numerous World Title Reigns and outstanding matches alone leave a legacy that will cast a mighty shadow over all that is the WWE long after the man retires. And that isn't even counting "The Streak", an impressive undefeated record at Wrestlemania, which obviously was not designed from the beginning, yet over time, has developed into epic proportions. Gaining a win over The Undertaker is one accomplishment within itself... But if someone were to have beaten The Undertaker as Wrestlemania, surely that soul will go down in history as one of the greatest superstars. He is the winner of the 2nd annual Wrestlezone Tournament, and were it not for the remarkable efforts of TheOneBigWill, we would perhaps be discussing the merits of being a back-to-back tournament winner. Indeed, the man leaves quite the legacy, and is regarded by many as the greatest superstar ever to grace World Wrestling Entertainment.

Yet, I’m pretty sure that Vince McMahon loves The Undertaker for another, completely selfish reason, and one that leaves a matter of sympathy when we look at the career of The Undertaker. You see, Vince loves The Undertaker because he can pile all of his crap onto The Undertaker, and have The Undertaker deal with it, and yet Taker has stayed loyal to The WWE. For years, Vince saw fit to place awkward giants who have no business in the ring with Taker, completely ludicrous gimmicks that even Vince Russo finds demeaning, and fucking fat asses that struggle to get their breath after two minutes in the match, right in front of The Undertaker. And Mark Calloway simply went about his business, not caring how daunting the task was to try and not leave an abomination in the ring. Still, there have been moments that even The Undertaker, nor any superstar, could possibly have saved. There have been moments that have looked so ridiculous, Stevie Wonder curses himself for having witnessed the event. And of all the events that stick to mind right now, none were quite as perplexing as the man Vince placed in front of the audience starting one infamous day. On January 24th, 1993, Vince went against the logic of common sense and good business, and provided us with a man that left us asking many open ended questions. But mainly, we all just really had one question that will probably never be answered. And that question went as such:

“Where the fuck did Vince ever get the idea that a body suit with airbrushed muscles, and attached hair, was a good idea for a fucking wrestler to wear?!”

And with this thought in mind, we will bring our next inductee into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks:

The Giant Gonzales

What Was It: To this day, scientists have absolutely no fucking clue to describe the appalling creature that was “The Giant Gonzales”. However, I will do my best to try, but first let’s begin with a description of the man himself, Jorge Gonzales.

Jorge Gonzales was a man from Argentina, a very proud individual, born in 1996. But there was one very simple thing that separated him from the rest of his Argentineans, and for that matter, the entire world; he was seven foot six, and weighed over four hundred.

[youtube]jLquuVFa2jo[/youtube]

Alas, folks, the man wasn’t actually fat, per se. No, rather, the man was just tall; very, very, tall. If for nothing else, and if I may say a good word on his part, he was not hung like a horse. Rather, horses were hung like Jorge Gonzales. He was a gargantuan, standing well over everyone he ever met, and even making the largest of individuals look extremely tiny. So, like anyone that was that size, there was one place for this man to turn to; professional basketball. So, he found himself playing for Argentina national basketball team, and pretty soon, was drafted in the 3rd round of the 1988 draft by the Atlanta Hawks. Alas, The Atlanta Hawks cut the 7’ 6” man in less than a year, due to his lack of athleticism and inability to maintain a proper weight.

I’m going to repeat that sentence for people that didn’t catch on to just how ludicrous of a notion this would normally seem like; The Atlanta Hawks cut the 7’6” man in less than a year, due to his lack of athleticism and inability to maintain a proper weight. As a matter of fact, let me break down exactly all that is wrong with this sentence:

The Atlanta Hawks cut

This is the fucking Atlanta Hawks here! Sure, they had some good times in their franchise history, but this team has been bottom dwellers for years! This is the same team that traded Steve Smith to Portland for fucking Isiah Rider and Jim Jackson. They traded Pau Gasol for Shareef Abdur Raheem, and a *****. The ***** was included in the trade, to stand in a symbol of just how much The Atlanta Hawks managed to constantly fuck themselves over! They have no business cutting anybody.

the 7'6" man

How in the fuck does a man that tall get cut? Shit, even guys like Greg Ostertag and Kwame Brown got a few more years in the league than they deserve, all because of their height. A 7'6" man has no business getting cut from a basketball team.

In less than a year

And if you are 7'6", you might as well be able to last, I don't know, a full year in the NBA. I don't understand how someone that big can last only less than a year in the NBA.

due to his lack of athleticism and inability to maintain a proper weight

And seeing how this is The Great Gonzales... Well, I get it.

And thusly, Vince McMahon had the perfect idea for this gangly, awkward, and obviously unathletic man. This man was going to be the guy to feud with one of his biggest faces, and was going to be placed immediately right into the main event spotlight.

[youtube]B-6CmCaDvkA&feature=related[/youtube]

I couldn’t have said it better myself, Ron. I really could not have said it better myself. Oh, and don’t worry, Ron… Soon, you’re going to have your induction, as well. Anyway, the man, according to reports, had issues tying his own boots. How was it possible that this man was going to work a passable match, especially against a man who, at the time, was extremely slow, and one dimensional himself?

I’ll give you the Sparknotes version, folks; there was no way in Hell. But let’s get to at least to the Royal Rumble, and how this whole thing played out. For weeks leading after the Survivor Series, Harvey Whippleman promised revenge on The Undertaker, for how he demolished the wrestler he had been managing previously, Kamala. Apparently, Kamala was such a valuable wrestler, Harvey got extremely infuriated with how The Undertaker relatively dispatched of the lifetime jobber to the stars. So Harvey promised revenge on The Undertaker, and vowed that, at the Royal Rumble, he would “drop a bomb” on the Undertaker. And indeed, Harvey dropped a bomb on The Undertaker and the fans that sat in The Arco Arena. Alas, this was no typical bomb, no massive explosion, nor any lives taken at the carnage. No, rather, Harvey let off a stink bomb, and let it off in the ventilation system of The Arena, allowing it to permeate the senses of the audience watching in sheer horror, and appall the fans for having been exposed to something that sucked so horrendously, words couldn’t begin to describe it.

That stink bomb was, indeed, The Great Gonzales. Let’s take a look at the bonus footage of Giant’s debut, shall we? There is a bit of excess footage, but these details the debut of The Giant Gonzales

[youtube]zP7Nd_aY4bQ&feature=related[/youtube]

[youtube]vthPR8qpWBY&feature=related[/youtube]

And granted, if Vince wanted to scare the fans, this surely did the trick, but not for any of the reasons Vince would have liked. You see, when fans saw him come the aisle, they were all pretty certain that a fan has breached security, streaked down the aisle, and attempted to seduce The Undertaker. And if Vince was looking for shock value, then that would have been far more effective than The Great Gonzales.

And if you thought his ring work was going to get better over time, there was absolutely no fucking way. That was about as good as it got, folks. And for further proof of this, why don’t we now take a look at:

The Match of Ineptitude: Oh, so many matches we can go with here, and quite frankly, it was a tossup between Wrestlemania IX, and their “Rest in Peace” match at the 1993 Summerslam. But for the historical context of the suckitude, let’s take the match from Wrestlemania IX, between The Undertaker and The Giant Gonzales:



And if this was not nearly enough, let's evaluate

Why This Gimmick Failed: Simply put, The Giant Gonzales was far too big, and couldn't even work even somewhere closely resembling an actual match. The man was as bad in the ring as he was with English, and that's saying quite a lot for this man. I dare you to find a Giant Gonzales match that didn’t have a rest hold take up a good quarter of the match, if not more. There wasn’t a hint of athleticism to this man whatsoever, and The Giant Gonzales lacked such technical features as “lateral movement” or “the ability to sell” or, even more, “The ability to throw a fucking punch”. I kid you not when I say that the best move this wrestler could use was throwing a chloroform rag over his opponent. There’s so many ways I could take this for a joke, but quite frankly, even that is below me. If this man had any ability whatsoever, we may have seen him as a credible challenge. And it would be ok if The Undertaker could do anything to him, but even then, The Giant Gonzales was far too big for that. There was no way to lift him up for a body slam, nor any of The Undertaker’s special moves, except for his flying clothesline and Old School. This is the man that paved the way for workers like Reese, The Yeti, and yes, The Great Khali, and opened up an entirely new genre of wrestlers; wrestlers who got their job by the sheer fact that they’re really fucking tall. It’s a dubious distinction, and The Great Gonzales can definitely make the case that, not only was he the first, but indeed, he was the absolute worst. Perhaps, if he could work, maybe we’d take him seriously.

Oh wait a minute, no we couldn’t. Because as it is, that body suit was the most ridiculous attire you will ever find in the history of professional wrestling. His outfit consisted of a full body suit with an airbrushed body painted on it and patches of fur all over. The man was big enough; the fur did not need to be added in for any effect. The fact that they had to airbrush muscles upon the man should give you some sort of idea of how terrible the gimmick actually was, or how much they had to hide just how out of shape this wrestler actually was. And then, the areas of body fur certainly didn’t help for believability, as it only added to how ludicrous the Giant Gonzales actually looked out there. And yet still, something completely bothers me about The Giant Gonzalez; Why couldn’t they airbrush his butt? I honestly just realized it as I was watching the match, and it never really popped into my head, but was it absolutely necessary for Vince to show exactly what a 7’6” man’s ass actually looked like? Would it have seriously killed Vince to at least patch a little fur on there, or at the very least, just not include his ass, at all? There’s a reason wrestlers do not wrestle naked, Vince; because if they did, we’d be absolutely horrified, and not many people would ever watch wrestling again. I hope that I speak for the masses when I say that absolutely no one wants to see naked giants stalking the ring, and that the airbrush muscles did absolutely nothing to help him get over, whatsoever. The sad fact was, if we weren’t laughing at how comically inept the man was in the ring, we were laughing at how utterly preposterous the man looked inside of the ring in his body suit. I understand that there was a need to cover up all that he lacked in muscle, but there’s a very simple manner to get around this; put him in regular clothing. Put him in anything, for Christ sakes. But for the love of God, please, do not put that man in that bodysuit, and please don’t ever show wrestlers in bodysuits like that ever again. That is the perfect way to kill buy rates.

And yet, even in this steaming pile of monkey crap (and granted, this was difficult), I was able to find, miraculously:

The Moment of Saving Grace: Yes, even a man like The Giant Gonzales provided some benefit to the wrestling ring. And what was that, you say? Well, simple enough... He was able to make The Undertaker look weak. Yes, the man that sat up from every attack had been made to look like somebody’s baby back bitch, and ye verily, that moment was indeed a glorious one in history. For you see, the logic of The Undertaker never being able to be beaten was completely overhauled. No more could The Undertaker no sell every shot that came his way. No, even this man, who began his career by no selling, had to sell attacks, and seem weak. That was something that even Hulk Hogan could not do to this man, and admittedly, it sucked ass. What fun was it to watch this man completely go through his career without a scratch? There’s no way he would have stayed over at the course he was, and if he wasn’t forced to start selling shots from opponents. And this process slowly developed through his matches with The Giant Gonzales. Without this, The Undertaker’s career would be far shorter, I feel, as people would have gotten sick of this no selling of The Undertaker. Hell, to some extent the fans were, and that’s why The Giant Gonzales was placed in the spot that he was. Still, he was incredibly undeserving, and the only lasting memories we’ll have of The Giant Gonzales is, arguably, the worst big man in history, and perhaps the worst worker ever in professional wrestling.

Well, that’s all for this day’s tour of the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. We hope you enjoyed your stay, and implore you to stop by our gift shop on your exit. And do be sure to come back either Saturday or Sunday, as we reveal our next exhibit:

Glacier: The Ninja That Never Could

See ya.

 

[Tenta]

I like how this was put together. somewhat entertaining. on to more pressing matters....

am i correct in saying that this was around the time wcw was filmed in the disney studios? i vaguely remember hogans conference when he signed for wcw was at disney world or some place of that general description. my point being had this being the case i think it was probably intentional the heels were laughable characters much like cartoon bad guys of the past. Hulk hogan destroying these larger than life (oooo a pun haha) charcters probably was to re-affirm his status as a hero. unfortunately it was more a case of an icon running out of steam beating up guys mostly past their prime in mickey mouse costumes literally.

of course if im wrong pretty much forget what i said. my memory isnt quite wht it used to be....

And now it is time for the question and answer portion of the tour. This question is, indeed, a valid one, I will confess. However, not all of these tapings were taking place at Disney, and even then, this was far removed from the prerecorded ones in which I believe you're talking about. Yes, they would hold The Pro and Main Event in Disney World. However, I wouldn't believe that WCW would circumvent the process of creating Heels just for two shows that could be listed as their "C" and "D" shows. It just doesn't seem that logical to me. No, WCW management actually believed that this would get over. And they were wrong.

Thank you for the question. Hopefully, this can get a bit of debate started, and more questions can fly.

 

[SavageTaker]

Great Job Tenta, keep it up.

Now, I don't think the Giant Gonzales was someone they should have brought in. Like you mentioned he was way too big for most of the people they had for him to work with at the time. Also, he wasn't skilled enough to have a passable match with everyone. There was only a select few (and I mean very few) wrestlers that he might have been able to have a decent match.

I think that if he was more skilled in wrestling he could have possibly done more with the WWF and he would have stayed longer in pro-wrestling. However, since he wasn’t the best around he didn’t last very long because they really didn’t have much they could do with him. There was very few things they could do with him, and then he was just going to be released because there would be nothing else to be done.

I will however give him props for doing something. He was intimidating. He did that great, everyone feared him. That is the one thing he did succeed in doing and he deserves to be praised for that even if it was mostly because of his size?

 

[Tenta]

Ah, yes, as one ogles the statue of Gonzales, I'll agree that to some extent that he was somewhat intimidating by his sheer size alone

And well, yes, in a way, I suppose you could say that he filled out his needs while with The WWE... But I would argue on his ability to look intimidating. Perhaps from a facial region, I suppose, but that frickin body suit killed all the intimidation I had for him. I know that, personally, little 6 year old JohnTenta4HOF wasn't scared of what he saw, but kind of chuckled, because the guy looked ridiculous. He looked completely awkward with that suit on with those airbrush muscles, and again, what the fuck was up with him exposing his ass as he was? I know that, for me, I found it funny then, as I thought that he must be a bit embarassed by the matter, but looking back on it now, it's quite disgusting. I don't think any of the kids really needed to see his butt hanging out like that, and it killed all of the possible intimidation he could have had.

Alas, I hope that you bought your replica bodysuit at the gift shop, SavageTaker. I assure you, we do our best to cover up our bodysuit's butts.

 

[SavageTaker]

I agree with you that wearing that bodysuit killed all if not a lot of the intimidation he had.

I don't understand why they had him wear that bodysuit in the first place. I understand that they were still using cartoonish characters, but it was different for Gonzales. How can someone be taken as a serious threat to anything if they are wearing a bodysuit that a 4-year old would wear for Halloween, minus his ass hanging out? I think that this is just one of those things they probably didn’t think through. They probably saw the suit and just threw it on him without even thinking as to how the fans would react. I thought it was funny. The only thing that would keep someone intimidated is his size, but a lot of people still found him to be funny and never really took him seriously.

 

[Tenta]

It's a terrific question, Savage, and I wish I could provide the answer, but I believe that the only man that could tell you why he believed it was a good idea was Vince McMahon himself. However, I will throw out this theory, and see it it seems feasible. To paraphrase a saying from Benjamin Parker, "With great size comes great expectations". The only thing I can guess is that Gonzales was nowhere near as muscle bound as Vince wanted, espcially in this period, in which Hulk was still around, Lex was as buff as ever, and Vince loved to support muscle men. He probably felt that while being seven foot is great, Gonzales needed to look absolutely jacked in order to get really over the crowd.

Here's a picture of Gonzales, as his role of El Gigante:

Vince probably took one look at this, and thought to himself that this wouldn't do at all, and that he needed to add a few pounds on him. And while Gonzales couldn't put on much more weight, Vince saw the easy remedy in painting on an couple extra pounds.

Thank you, SavageTaker, for taking part here. I realize it's a bit of a challenge to go up against all of those memories that haunt us.

But with terrific input like yours, we can build this up to be as a good a memorial as any.

 

[golden miz]

Giant Gonzalez was not as bad of a gimic as everyone thinks, it was just misplaced. He should of been no where near taker, giant was so outlandish that the last person he needed to fued with was the "dead man". There was 2 periods in the wwf where this gimic would of gone over hugs. The first one was as a hogan opponent. Hogan was viewed as a god by the fans and awalys put on good programs with the monsters (andre and others). With him gonzalez would of been viewed as a monster and the tackyness of his outfit would of actually been viewed cool. Same goes if he would of debuted against HHH. Of course the outfit would of been updated due to the time period but hhh vs a monster like gonzalez would of been a nice believable fued. When ever taker fueded with a monster it awalys came off wierd (with exception to kane do to the brothers storyline). I honestly believe that his gimic would of went off huge if he faced a better opponet. But who knows since it already happened and failed.

 

[Tenta]

Here, in the JTMOTG, we welcome, even advise, for dissenting arguments, as it makes for very spirited debate. Now, let's see what we have on the slab here. Should be interesting here:

Giant Gonzalez was not as bad of a gimic as everyone thinks, it was just misplaced.

So in an era of cartoon based gimmicks, in which larger than life characters were the norm, The Giant Gonzales was really out of place?

He should of been no where near taker, giant was so outlandish that the last person he needed to fued with was the "dead man".

And aside from Bret Hart, The Undertaker was the best worker the WWE had to offer us. Besides that, the clash of two outlandish gimmicks worked well. It was just that Gonzales couldn't hold his own from an in-ring standpoint. The Undertaker can only do so much.

Are you really going to argue that Gonzales was a good worker?

There was 2 periods in the wwf where this gimic would of gone over hugs.

Hugs? You mean.... Like, The Yeti hugs?

[youtube]WJKDGXvr7ig[/youtube]

I've got it... We've finally learned who played the role of the Yeti!

The first one was as a hogan opponent. Hogan was viewed as a god by the fans and awalys put on good programs with the monsters (andre and others).

You mean like he did against the Dungeon of Doom? Did you not see my first entry into the Memorial? There is a very fine line between "monsters" and "ridiculous gimmicks". And the Dungeon of Doom and Giant Gonzales definitely fit in the latter category.

With him gonzalez would of been viewed as a monster and the tackyness of his outfit would of actually been viewed cool.

Dude.... His ass was hanging out of his bodysuit! I don't care who you are, but that can never be seen as cool.

Same goes if he would of debuted against HHH. Of course the outfit would of been updated due to the time period but hhh vs a monster like gonzalez would of been a nice believable fued.

Really? A believable feud, you say?

Remember the horrendous match between The Great Khali and Triple H at Summerslam, 2008? Picture that, and a thousand times worse. That's what you're getting from this feud.

When ever taker fueded with a monster it awalys came off wierd (with exception to kane do to the brothers storyline). I honestly believe that his gimic would of went off huge if he faced a better opponet. But who knows since it already happened and failed.

But here's the thing, golden miz.... He did wrestle other opponents, and his matches still sucked. Shit, he wrestled against The Macho Man, and even Randy couldn't get a great match out of him. The Undertaker did all he could, and the reason his feuds with monsters didn't pan out was because the giants he was against couldn't work. Mabel, King Kong Bundy, Khali, Mark Henry, etc. All of these men still had issues working when they faced The Undertaker, and Taker did all he could to bring good matches. The sad fact is, all of these men had their best matches with The Undertaker.

And you can surely add The Giant Gonzales to that list.

 

[z99zazn]

The Moment of Saving Grace: Yes, even a man like The Giant Gonzales provided some benefit to the wrestling ring. And what was that, you say? Well, simple enough... He was able to make The Undertaker look weak. Yes, the man that sat up from every attack had been made to look like somebody’s baby back bitch, and ye verily, that moment was indeed a glorious one in history. For you see, the logic of The Undertaker never being able to be beaten was completely overhauled. No more could The Undertaker no sell every shot that came his way. No, even this man, who began his career by no selling, had to sell attacks, and seem weak. That was something that even Hulk Hogan could not do to this man, and admittedly, it sucked ass. What fun was it to watch this man completely go through his career without a scratch? There’s no way he would have stayed over at the course he was, and if he wasn’t forced to start selling shots from opponents. And this process slowly developed through his matches with The Giant Gonzales. Without this, The Undertaker’s career would be far shorter, I feel, as people would have gotten sick of this no selling of The Undertaker. Hell, to some extent the fans were, and that’s why The Giant Gonzales was placed in the spot that he was. Still, he was incredibly undeserving, and the only lasting memories we’ll have of The Giant Gonzales is, arguably, the worst big man in history, and perhaps the worst worker ever in professional wrestling.

First of all, great thread, a wonderful idea, and its so in depth! But getting to the point, you're so right about making the Undertaker look like he can be beaten. Yes, he was supposed to look strong, but actually showing the Undertaker to have weakness really helped him over the long run. Who would have wanted to see Taker for almost 20 years while never being hurt? Sure, he still is a powerful wrestler, that doesn't take much of a beating, but he actually shows that he's human now, and has since that moment.

 

[Tenta]

Sure, he still is a powerful wrestler, that doesn't take much of a beating, but he actually shows that he's human now, and has since that moment.

And that's ultimately what people forget about The Giant Gonzales... That this man, for better or worse, brought the Undertaker down to human level. It was such a subtle thing, that I'm not sure how many people realized that it was the first time that The Undertaker had been laid out. I have heard that it was Jake Roberts that was the first one to do actual damage to him on an episode of The Funeral Parlor, but I completely disagree with such a notion. Jake may have gotten the upperhand on The Undertaker, but he surely didn't make him look human. At the end of the day, Taker still stalked after Jake, even with a casket locked shut on his fucking hand. Tell me that looks human.

Anyway, while Gonzales will be remember for all the negative in which he did for the WWE, it shoudlbe remembered that he was the first to cause The Undertaker to fall. It brought out the human in The Undertaker

 

[Tenta]

Welcome again, ladies and gentleman, to the one and only John Tenta Memorial of Terrible Gimmicks. Here, we introduce you to the side of wrestling that, rather than relive again, you'd rather spike the world's supply of water with a coarse laxative. While the images you are about to witness may shock and terrify, we remind you that these abominations of Earth were put here for a reason. And that reason, pure and simple, is to remind us of one simple fact: Bookers are fucking morons, and sometimes, they let the first half assed idea that comes to their brain into the wrestling ring. While we plead for these men to see the rationale in logic, and to avoid using said horrid creatures in the ring, they are still plopped out in front of us, like the huge piece of crap they really are. Yesterday, we struggled through a pretty long piece of crap in The Giant Gonzales, and rather than short change you by not offering a piece tomorrow, I've decided to stay up, and induct the next candidate into the JTMOTG. That way, you can have somebody to read for Saturday, and I can induct someone on Sunday, giving me a free day throughout all of Saturday. This piece may not be as detailed as my others, but I will do my best to give you the absolute worst. Now then, let's introduce the candidate.

For years, the concept of video games and wrestling has been a subject at the core of most forum member’s hearts and souls. While we love our wrestling, we also appreciate and enjoy the wonders that are video game consoles, which take us to new worlds in which we have never been. Video games, for some, is the next level of technology, and at this moment, game developers are working around the clock to create games that will leave us astounded, and giving rave reviews. Similarly, promoters spend countless hours of the night, preparing events , characters, and feuds that leave us enthralled, and make us feel as if we have indeed use our money well. Even on these forums, you will now see a Video Game tournament which borders on epic discussion, and sets out to decide one winner in the realm of video games. For us, wrestling and video games are two great things, and bring so much enjoyment into our lives.

Still, the theory of mixing video games and wrestling is rarely tossed around. Sure, we have video games of wrestling, and those are certainly enjoyable. But what happens when you reverse the roles, and you start to try and place your video games in your wrestling? What happens when the virtual world of video games attempts to merge with our world of professional wrestling, and longs to sap us of our interest and our hard earned money? Could it be possible that, one day, we’ll see Super Mario doing battle with Bowser inside of a steel cage, for the WWE Heavyweight Title? Or how about a bra and panties match that involves Samus Aran and Princess Peach? Does that sound like that enticing of a venture to you? Do you long for the days of hearing a Sonic promo, and for the day in which we can have the epic ladder match that stars the two fastest characters in video games, Sonic and Pikachu? No, these ideas don’t exactly perk up your interest all too much, now do they?

Wouldn’t you rather keep your video game fighting within the realms of the virtual world, and wouldn’t it behoove you to say that video games have no place in the wrestling world? Well, if that is not the case for you, and you find yourself wishing for all of the things in which I have mentioned in the last paragraph, then you just might possibly be Eric Bischoff. You see, The Bisch, in 1996, had an idea that eerily matched the concept I just placed in front of you. What if he were to bring a character from one of the bloodiest, most violent games in history, and transpose one of his wrestlers to be that exact same wrestler? Sounds like a winning concept, doesn’t it?

Ahem..... Hell fucking no, it isn't a winning concept!

And we can tell that now because good old Eric Bischoff just had to trot out this wacky idea, and give us the next inductee into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. And that man is the one, and hopefully the only:

Glacier

What was it: Well, before we get into "What was it", I believe it's only fair that we go into detail on exactly "What it was supposed to be".

In the early 1990s, Acclaim had released a game the likes of which we had never seen. That game was Mortal Kombat. But, you see, MK wasn’t memorable in that it was revolutionary. Actually, far from it, it wasn’t even the best fighting games of its era. That distinction would happen to fall to both Street Fighter II, and Virtua Fighter at second place. Still, this game offered something that neither of these games truly did?
A compelling back story, and characters that went into detail, and were explained with a perfect psyche? Um… No.

A rich control scheme, never to be paralleled again? Well, not exactly.

No, the only thing that separated Mortal Kombat from its contemporaries was… Well, this…

[youtube]satpGZmeFQM[/youtube]

And boy, did it strike up a shit load of controversy. To this day, it is single handedly the reason that video games still have a negative stigma in our society, and why video gamers are viewed as brute barbarians. And yet… That son of a bitch really did sell. It started a line to merchandise, TV Shows, movies, sequels that weren’t even better than their mediocre predecessor, and the term that has become established in our society, “Flawless Victory”. Now normally, it would make sense to try and create such things from video games, as movies and taped TV shows have the benefit of special effects, and editing to make everything seem nice and pretty. This way, the inspiration for said products does not need to be compromised, and the gamer is given a re-creation that is similar to the video game they have grown to love. I’m all for trying to make a buck, as long as you stay loyal to the brand, and don’t try to alter all of the things that made it famous in the beginning.

Eric Bischoff thought he could do such a thing, and place a video game character into his wrestling promotion. Not even a sprite of a video game character, but a wrestler that had all of the mannerisms of the character. One that could portray the character to the tee, and provide the fans with a familiar face, hence getting the wrestler super over. He wanted a character that was larger and life, and what better way to go about such a thing than by video games? Video games themselves are indeed larger than life, and integrating this virtual world with the world of professional wrestling seemed like a cinch, right?

There was just one thing Eric didn’t bank on… That portraying a virtual video game character was, realistically, impossible to do, especially with the direction he wanted to take, and the character he wished to pay homage to. While it certainly could have been feasible if Eric chose a more human character, such as Liu Kang, the protagonist of the series, such a thing was not Eric’s taste. Eric had a taste for the grandiose, and if he was going to try and market off of a character, he was going to go the whole nine yards, and pick as unrealistic a character as he could possibly find. And since I’m assuming that Eric couldn’t find a wrestler that had four arms, nor could he find a wrestler involved in the dark arts, and capable of stealing wrestler’s souls, he went for the next best thing.

He tried to portray the character “Sub-Zero”, a ninja who is skilled in the art of ice, and is able to freeze his opponents.

[youtube]5P6UU6m3cqk[/youtube]

You see? Even the baby realizes just how stupid of a concept this is, and laughs at Eric’s idiocy. This baby would not be the only one, I assure you. Still, Eric went along with it, and crafted a superstar in the likeness of Sub-Zero. Now, before we go any further, I feel it’s only fair to provide a picture of Sub Zero, and a decent description of the man… Err, ninja… So here’s a picture, and some facts about his character:

Both incarnations of the Sub-Zero character have similar special moves. In each game, he has a variety of ice-based special moves that freeze opponents. There are two Sub-Zeros: older and younger brothers. Both are blue-garbed warriors (assassins, but not "ninjas", since the Lin Kuei are mostly Chinese despite being called ninjas in several Mortal Kombat games) that descended from Cryomancers, an Outworld race possessing the ability to generate and control the powers of ice, although both of them were born in Earthrealm

Really, that's all that you need to know as to why Sub Zero was such an unrealistic character to strive for. Still, Eric tried, and handed off the reigns of the character, gimmick and all, to Ray Lloyd. Now, Ray himself was a fantastic martial artist, and had a prior history of shoot fighting, so it was somewhat feasible to believe that this man could, indeed, play the role of a ninja. He had been with WCW for years, actually, and was just looking for that one gimmick to get hip over the top. And boy, when Eric came to him with an idea, was it ever the doozie.

For months, we teased with vignettes of a man performing martial arts moves, with some pretty cool special effects added in, and a somewhat catchy saying of “Blood runs cold”. And, to some extent, we bought into it, and were just dying to find exactly whose blood was turning fucking cold, and exactly how cold was it going to get. Don’t think the promos were effective? Have a lookie for yourself.

[youtube]sW39dwo58RE[/youtube]

That, admittedly, was fairly epic. So we waited and we waited, to see exactly what we were going to get. As a matter of fact, we wound waiting an entire SIX FUCKING MONTHS to see whose blood ran cold. We saw the entrance, and as you may see in the Match of Ineptitude, the entrance was extravagant. As a matter of fact, it was so extravagant, that allegedly, WCW had paid half a million dollars just for entrance.

Half a million dollars? They could have paid for, like, Hulk Hogan's catering and shit.

Anyway, so Glacier came in, with a butt load of hype, and the belief that he was going to be some epic character. And…. He was seemingly mediocre. Either than his entrance, not too much really stood out about him. He did a lot of kicks and shit, but ultimately, he couldn’t get over with the crowd. Soon, the half a million dollar entrance was out the window, and so was the costume. And basically, Glacier panned out to be what he truly is; a middle of the road wrestler, who just so happened to be impersonating a video game character. And, in the WCW’s desperation to justify this hype for the character, they rushed many angles to try and get him over. Hell, just to try and get him over, they wound up creating ANOTHER character from The Mortal Kombat series. However, instead of picking a reasonable character to portray, again WCW went with the supernatural, and tried to re-create a paranormal ninja. This wrestler, based off the character “Reptile”, was dubbed “Mortis”.

The man you see on the right is Mortis, played by Chris Kanyon. The man on the left is Wrath, played by Bryan Clark (formerly known as Adam Bomb in the WWE). And the man in the middle, who is very much a genius, was James Vanderberg (Better known to us as The Sinister Minister, James Mitchell, in ECW). And these men sought out to destroy Glacier… For some reason… In a feud that was to rival actual Mortal Kombat. Which leads us to today’s

Match of Ineptitude: Now, the match isn't so much as inept, as it was goofy, and flat out unbelievable. None of the fans wanted to see it, and it ultimately buried any of the steam either of these wrestlers might have had before this match. So, without further ado, let's take it away to Uncensored 1997, in a Martial Arts Match between Glacier and Mortis:



Why It Failed: Because, simply enough, we didn't want Mortal Kombat. Nope, that was nowhere near the case at all.

We wanted fucking wrestling!

If we did want Mortal Kombat, we would have turned on our Sega Genesis, and fucking played Mortal Kombat! There was no need to try and mix these two worlds together, as nobody really wanted it. Besides that, if WCW was going to do this, they were going to skimp on all of the supernatural stuff that Sub Zero did, for two simple reasons:

1.Performing in front of a live audience leaves no room to perform special effects such a freezing folks and shit. When wrestling companies do try stuff like this, we brush it off as hackneyed, and even just a bit hokey. See all of the supernatural stuff The Undertaker has done. But Sub Zero’s special attacks are negated if Glacier cannot perform them on a live show.

2. Even on a taped program, Eric would still have to consider the live audience, and while the TV audience might see paranormal shit, the audience in the arena sees a guy flopping around like a limp dick.

And even if that were the case, what also made MK so popular was the amount of violence that it had. All of the blood and gore was the true appeal for MK fans. And if Eric thought that there was any way he could come close to presenting that violence on TV, he was absolutely bat shit crazy. You might as well tell me that he also wanted to start a stable led by the rapper Masta P. (Err…. That may be a bit touchy. But we’ll probably get there somewhere down the line) The only way that Eric could have had this gimmick, without the fans completely shitting on the idea, was to have Glacier with all sorts of freaky paranormal shit. And even if he did do that, it would still earn him a lofty spot in the JTMOTG. Simply put, there was no way that Eric was going to pull this off, and still pass this character off as believable. Perhaps, if he had gone with a far more believable character, it would have been a tad more successful.

Actually, with the wait that we had to go through to actually fucking see Glacier, the wrestler could have had the mic skills of The Rock, the technical skills of Bret Hart, and the charisma of Hulk Hogan, and we would have absolutely torn down the guy. Simply put, the wait for Glacier just made us more impatient to see him. And the more impatient that we got, the more likely we were to hate whatever WCW had to offer us. Now granted, this wasn’t all Glacier’s fault, and he had been scheduled to debut at the same point of the New World Order, and everyone would have forgotten his debut. Still, there was no need to keep the promos up for that abnormally long a period. There comes a point when you should simply drop it for a little while, and bring back up the idea a bit later. The problem was, WCW just wouldn’t drop it, and they still gave us those fucking promos every twelve seconds. And the more we got them, the more our thoughts shifted from “Cool, who is this guy?” to “When the fuck is this guy actually going to fucking show up?” Ray Lloyd, as a wrestler, wasn’t a terrible worker, and with a different gimmick and a different time, who knows how he would have done. But the amount of hype and expectations became way too much for Lloyd, and in the end, he wound up crumbling to the name “Glacier”

The Moment of Saving Grace: You know folks, I'm really drawing a fucking blank here. I can't think of a positive thing Glacier contributed to the business. The actual gimmick was suckiness defined, and it did much more to hurt the business than it actually did to help the business. But then, I looked more at the tapes, and realized that the saving grace wasn't Glacier himself. No, it wasn't even a wrestler that worked with Glacier. No, instead, the saving grace for Glacier was that it provided the wrestling world with a glimpse at this man.

James Mitchell, playing the role of James Venderberg, was absolutely astounding in his role. He was gut wrenching, yet oh so epic at the same time. You actually felt that this man was an agent of the devil. Listen to this man's promo, as The Sinister Minister, at Living Dangerously 1999:

[youtube]QV3M0HOryO0[/youtube]

Just tell me that promo wasn't fucking epic. It was evil personified, and was such a well played character. While Glacier itself was a major flop, Vanderberg was brilliant, and ECW wisely snatched him up when they could, and put his work to pure gold. This man should have been the focus of The Mortis/Glacier feud.

But then again, consider it a lesson learned. Eric finally learned that mixing games with wrestling just wasn’t the way to go. No matter which way you slice it, Glacier was one of the biggest flops in pro wrestling’s history. And admittedly, not a whole lot of this was Ray Lloyd’s fault. Still, we’re judging this one by the gimmick here, and it’s without a shadow of a doubt that Glacier deserves a spot within the John Tenta Memorial of Terrible Gimmicks.

That’s all for this week. Please, join us Sunday, as we make another multiple man induction, and take a look at:

Coming From Africa, And Still Racially Insensitive. In this induction, we will discuss the gimmicks of Saba Simba and, to a lesser extent, Kamala and Akeeem. That's right, we're talking the African Dream.

see ya.

 

[SavageTaker]

Bringing in Glacier into WCW was just a complete waste of time and money. He wasn’t a very good wrestler, but he was admittedly not the worst either. I also think that after a while, people just got bored of the character before it even debuted. This is a case of over hyping someone. Hyping someone who is going to be debut is good, but they hyped it for way too long. You just don’t make people wait 6-months to only get a mediocre wrestler.

I think the gimmick could have somewhat worked, even if for a year or two, if it was given to a superior wrestler or at least to someone who was simply better. He didn’t get over because he wasn’t good or entertaining to begin with. If the gimmick was given to someone who could at least put out entertaining and decent matches, it might have been able to work for like I said a year or two.

Overall Glacier flopped and it flopped big time. I’m sure whoever it was that approved him coming in is still regretting and beating themselves for wasting the time and money for the video promos and the entrance.

 

[Tenta]

I think the gimmick could have somewhat worked, even if for a year or two, if it was given to a superior wrestler or at least to someone who was simply better. He didn’t get over because he wasn’t good or entertaining to begin with. If the gimmick was given to someone who could at least put out entertaining and decent matches, it might have been able to work for like I said a year or two.

I agree with most everything you've said, Savage, and thank you for helping me with this thread. Without you, we would be lacking in the debate department. However, with that in mind, I have to diasgree with this statement. I feel that, unfortunately, Glacier was doomed to fail.

Glacier was not a great wrestler, but he surely wasn't horrendous either. To get over with the amount of hyp they gave him, you'd have to be Bret Hart, or pretty damn close. Most wrestlers, I'd argue, would crumble to this type of gimmick, and would have fallen into obscurity. You can't blame Ray Lloyd on this one... He did the gimmick to the best of his potential. Nope, it was WCW management that really managed to screw the pooch here, with a constant inundation of advertising, and a build up that should have been saved for a mega star; not for a mid-card wrestler, looking to make his debut

 

[SavageTaker]

I agree with you that it wasn't his fault that the gimmick failed. When you try and hype someone the way WCW did, and if the wrestler isn’t some mega star near the lever that Hulk Hogan was, then it's just bound to fail.

However, I still do believe the gimmick could have worked, even if just for a few months with a year being the limit (me saying up to 2 years was stretching it a bit so I take that back). There are always those wrestlers who can make just about anything work no matter how horrendous it may seem. We don’t see those wrestlers come along too many times, and if they had found the right wrestler then the gimmick could have had moderate success, even if just for a short while before the fans felt it was stale and got bored of it.

I still feel that one of the main reasons it failed was because of the over hype. You just don’t waist that amount of time and money (no matter how much of it you have) unless you are completely sure you are making the right decision. It’s like these guys just chose whoever they thought would be able to do the best job with the gimmick without even looking to see how good of a wrestler he was. Or maybe they did look at everything and the people choosing and making decision weren’t very good decision makers.

 

[Tenta]

Yeah, I can very much see that, as well, Savage. On the other hand, it really becomes a catch 22 when one considers the goofiness of the gimmick; no main eventer would relegate himself to such a goofy gimmick, yet the goofy gimmick needed for a main eventer to relegate himself to it. I can't think of a wrestler that would try to portray this gimmick, and be serious on the matter. The only time I've seen a wrestler attempt something like this was... Well, Dustin Runnels, at two different periods. First of course with Goldust, and then with that Seven bit, in which he hovered in the air to his match. In short, I see exactly what you're saying Savage, but I just can't see main event wrestler wanting any part of this gimmick

 

[golden miz]

Glacier was a failed gimic, I agree with that, but still the superhero costume thing has worked and is cool. I liked his costume but that was about it. If they gave less time hypeing him and put a more complete wrester behind glacier it could of worked. Even if they put bryan clark or kaynon behind glacier it might have worked. Who really knows. It was a decent gimic that was hyped for to long and placed on a bad wrestler. Just bad placement of the gimic because it could of worked baring the right circumstances.

 

[SavageTaker]

I don’t think it had to be a main eventer in the shoes of Glacier to make it somewhat work. It would probably have worked better if a main eventer had been given the gimmick of Glacier considering all the hype the character was given. But it didn’t necessarily need a main eventer. Also, like you said, no main eventer would relegate themselves to such a silly and goofy gimmick.

But like I said earlier there are always those wrestlers who can come in and get a bad gimmick and still make it work for them. They don’t necessarily need to be main event caliber talent. We have seen wrestlers who couldn’t even dream about ever being in the main event, yet they could make any gimmick work. We saw with Goldust like you mentioned and we have seen it with many others throughout the years. All WCW needed to do was find that one guy who would be able to make the gimmick for, even if just for the mid or upper-mid card.

Lastly, I’m sure no main eventer would want such a gimmick. We have seen main eventers with silly and goofy gimmicks throughout the years but those were around the time were cartoonish characters were used. So it was acceptable for them to use the gimmicks they were using then. But, when Glacier came in, it wasn’t ever going to be acceptable for a main eventer to use such a gimmick because it was in a completely different era. It was in an era where fans no longer wanted the cartoonish characters, they wanted characters that were real and that they could somewhat relate to. Glacier couldn’t do that because no way in hell could anyone relate to it.

 

[Tenta]

Welcome, once again, friends and spammers, all alike, to the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. I hope that, for your sake, you decided to leave the women and children at home. For you see, if you ever brought your spouse, or your children to such a place, they would realize all of the utter failure that is prevalent in the world of wrestling. Our crack staff (basically, of myself and SavageTaker) have combed the annals of wrestling history, mainly because we no longer see a purpose to this life. After all, how could one possibly rationalize exploring the inner asshole of the wrestling world, shit and all, without, to some extent, no longer caring much for the life we lead now. Entering what is to be deemed the Underworld of Pro Wrestling comes at a price, and every time you step foot in these hallowed halls, you may just find a small part of yourself decay and die by the second. This, again, is not your average memorial. While most memorials honor the great and dignified, this memorial stands as a warning to all of just how terrible the wrestling world can be. Admittedly, your sanity will be questioned, and your heart will be pierced by the exhibits you witness today. Yet, one can only hope that by entering these dark hallways, you will learn of the fault of bookers and promoters alike, and that we may never fall into the same trap that is horrendous booking. Yesterday, I left you all for the day to sit with the festering exhibit that is Glacier. My apologies for leaving you alone for the day, but alas, I was due a free day. Now, today, I come to you with a provocative piece, one that may lead to endless debate, and the eternal question of what is true racism.

And before I begin our introduction, I feel it necessary to clarify one thing; I, myself, do not find Vince McMahon, or any of the other promoters guilty of the act we’ll talk about in this passage, racist. There is no way to prove these men of racism, and racism is something that is completely left up to interpretation. What may seem racist to you might seem completely natural to another. I’m not here to question your beliefs on the word “racism”, and if we were to really try and get into a discussion of the matter, The Cigar Lounge may be a better place to discuss the word. No, this exhibit only serves to question the morality behind certain gimmicks, and whether or not these gimmicks can be particularly defined as racist. It’s an extremely opened ended topic, and admittedly, I expect a bit of backlash for saying the following wrestlers have hints of racism to them. And with this in mind, let’s begin our introduction.

And, while one could never claim Vince of outright racism, one can say that, indeed, there are plenty of stereotypes within the gimmicks we’re about to discuss. Namely, these stereotypes might seem to be completely offensive to black people, as it fails to show any belief that black individuals have evolved in the last four hundred years. But then again, Vince is not the only party responsible for such stereotypes, as plenty of other businesses and entertainment outlets can be accused of similar procedures. Hell, even one of the most indicted companies to these claims is the man that pioneered The Happiest Place on Earth himself, Walt Disney. Plenty of Disney’s movies and short cartoons have hints of racial stereotypes to them, and can be easily described as racism. Though, again, it’s difficult to outright accuse Disney of racism, when one watches clips like the following I’ll present, it’s kind of hard to defend the company.

[youtube]-8gkMvnkre0&feature=related[/youtube]

And for those that discredit that expression of what I’d deem racism, let’s take a look at something that I find extremely difficult to make the case for. I mean, the name of the song is “What Makes the Red Man Red”!

[youtube]Y_at9dOElQk[/youtube]

How enlightening, indeed. Look, I’m not going to say that racism is only cornered to whites against other races, as racism definitely works against white people, as well. However, over time, other races have been expressed as either being:

A. Less intelligent
B. More savage

Than white people. And unfortunately, wrestling promoters are no different, either. At least Disney had the defense of being a victim of the times, in which racism was extremely prevalent in media. However, as the eighties and nineties rolled around, we became far more conscious of racism within our media. The only exception of the consciousness, however, seems to be professional wrestling bookers. For some reason, Vince simply felt that he could take a respected veteran of the business, dress him in a loincloth, a spear, and a Ugandan headdress, and not expect for someone backlash from fans. To say that having a black man wrestle as a tribesman would get fans angry would be like saying that fans somewhat disliked this gimmick. However, when there’s also been a gimmick of a Ugandan cannibal that has been running around professional wrestling for years, one can understand exactly where Vince felt it would be ok to have this man appear as he did, and dance around the ring, as if coals were underneath his feet. The one thing that Vince forgot, however, was that same Ugandan cannibal gimmick came from the mind of the wrestler portraying him, and even then, that doesn’t make it any less racist than it truly is. No matter how you look at it, having wrestlers come out like members of a tribe is simply just a bit offensive to African Americans, and is guaranteed to earn you a spot in the JTMFTG. And with that in mind, I have the distinct displeasure of inducting this man into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks:

Saba Simba

What Was It: And before we begin this discussion, it’s only fair that we discuss the man that Vince burdened with this gimmick, and how successful of a career the man was having before he was “bestowed” the gimmick of Saba Simba. That man was the one and only, “Mr. USA” Tony Atlas.

Tony was a well liked man around the wrestling ring, a popular man that had made the rounds around wrestling promotions such as the NWA, USWA, Jim Crockett Promotions, and World Class Championship. To say the man was built is quite the understatement, indeed. The man was a chiseled individual, and the only man that rivaled him in pure strength was the Immortal One himself, Hulk Hogan. Surely enough, the man was a specimen, and as Gorilla Monsoon once said of the man, he was “power personified”. As rumors reported, Atlas was highly favored by the men within the WWE circles, and was looked upon to become a huge star, perhaps along the likes of a man like Hulk Hogan. Sure, his mic skills left a bit to be desired, but there was no doubt that the man had a following to him, and was getting quite over with the fans. A former amateur wrestler, the man was well versed in the ways of mat skills, and while he wasn’t a technician by any stretch of the means, he surely had enough skills in the ring to look anything but inept, and carried himself with a persona the likes of which was pretty impressive. He had earned such acclaims as “The Black Superman”, and modern revisionists would probably refer to him as “The Black Hulk Hogan” at this point. But one thing that should also be pointed out about Atlas was that he was an extremely proud black man, and respected his culture and roots to the utmost of degree. The man, along with The Rock’s old pappy, Rocky Johnson, was the first black man to hold the WWE Tag Team Championship. Rocky and Tony were very much proud of the fact that they were the first black men to hold these belts, and that they were, in a sense, pioneers for black wrestlers, and hope that black men could achieve great fame in the WWE.

Consider this promo, given by a somewhat green Atlas, in which he defends himself passionately, and in an articulate manner. The words “My mom didn’t raise a boy. She raised a six foot two, two hundred and fifty pound man” are pretty profound words, and is the ultimate to answer when calls another wrestler “boy”. Anyway, I’ll take you to the promo now, and see if you can note the man in which Tony is being challenged by. I’m pretty sure we’ll see this guy again at some point in our lives…

[youtube]XqVHcQANNdE[/youtube]

Anyway, I’ll also neglect the obvious tone of racism in this promo by Terry Bollea, and point out two things that are pretty evident in this promo:

1. Tony got pretty angry after that “shine my shoes” crack by Hulk. He was pretty willing to defend himself as a black man, and was quick to place himself on an equal level with Hulk. He was not going to accept being demeaned, or having The Hulkster degrade his race. He was a proud African American in this promo, and grew pretty passionate about defending his race when the time called for it.
2. That Tony was huge… Really huge. Simply put, that man was one of the best built wrestlers in professional wrestling. The man was ripped, so much so that such a body seemed absolutely unnatural. And the sad fact is… Well, it was unnatural. Atlas was indeed taking human steroid, which at the time was a legal substance, but still just unhealthy as we know it to be now. Atlas would later comment on his steroid abuse, saying:
“You don't know what you're taking. My mama didn't raise no fool. One thing about steroids, if you have something already wrong with you, it'll make the condition worse. In my day, all the steroids were for humans. You can't get human steroids anymore. They're using veterinarians. You're going to take something that's made for the metabolism of a horse? Of course something's going to happen. That's just plain stupidity."
Atlas, also, was experimenting with crack, and mirroring the explosion of crack in the 1980s, Atlas became heavily addicted to the matter. His body wasn’t nearly as used to taking drugs, and when he would, he became out of commission, sometimes for about a full week. Then, Atlas started to miss shows, and as anyone will tell you in the wrestling business, missing shows was the biggest no-no in the entire business. Frustrated, Vince decided that he had no other choice, and was going to have to, As Atlas put it, “make an example out of him”. Vince released Atlas, and as Atlas left him, Vince gave him a parting shot that both said how much he saw Tony as a marketing tool, and how large his fall from grace was. When Tony left, Vince told him, as Atlas recalls, "Every time you see Hogan, I want you to remember these words: That coulda, shoulda, woulda been you." Atlas, who was in line to be the original “Hulk Hogan” was gone, and in his place, Hulk rose to glory.

Also during Tony’s departure, a gimmick was starting to rise to prominence in the Memphis. There, a wrestler by the name of Jim Harris, was meeting with the likes of Jerry Jarrett and Jerry Lawler. Harris, who had just returned from wrestling matches in the United Kingdom, and had portrayed a gimmick known as “The Mississippi Mauler” was given a wardrobe, and asked by Jarrett to work as this type of wrestler. Harris agreed, noting that it could really prolong his career, and perhaps make him into a star. The gimmick would be known as Kamala, originally spelt “Kimala”. And while the man would become a relative “jobber to the stars”, people were legitimately horrified by the man. The man seemed so savage, and there seemed to be no way to contain the man in the ring. He was destructive, and though he had extremely limited wrestling abilities, he was able to arouse fear from the crowd. Billed as the bodyguard of the infamous Ugandan president, Idi Amin, the man was a force to be reckoned with inside the ring, and was made to even seem as the equivalent to one Andre the Giant. Note this bonus cage match I will offer, between the Ugandan Giant, Kamala, and Andre.



What it also elicited from the crowd was sheer outrage. The giant never spoke English, and his only habit of communicating was to pat his belly repeatedly. A savage right out of Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness”, the warrior promised to put all of his opponents in a pot and cook him. Whereas, however, while the savages in Heart of Darkness held a sense of dignity to the dead, Kamala held no dignity whatsoever. Led to the ring by what I can assume was a white overlord, Kamala seemed to rarely express any sense of intelligence himself. He had white people lead him throughout his career, and was shown to not display many signs of brain activity. Hell, one of the last gimmicks that he ran before leaving the WWE was to have someone “humanize” him, and have him express signs of intelligence. And that came a good Eight Fucking Years after he debuted with the WWE. In case you’ll notice, his largest flaw in the match I just posted against Andre was that he was not smart enough to understand the rules of the cage match. Kamala actually has Andre beat during the match, and actually busts Andre wide open. However, he was too much of a savage to understand the rules of a match, and to escape the cage. Still, as much outrage as this showed, Vince and company pushed this man in the WWE, despite having no mic skills and a limited wrestling ability, at best. He was pushed as a monster, and worked lengthy programs with the likes of Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, and The Undertaker. No matter how much outrage this gimmick of a savage African being lead around by what we can only assume was a white manager in either Friday or Kim Chee. It was this kind of savage warrior that seemed to be a good, if not stereotypical gimmick, and had Vince only attempted the gimmick once, I would be far less to call him extremely stereotypical, passing off the instance as “a cartoony gimmick” that would only inhabitate the WWE once.

Alas, that wouldn’t be good ol’ Vinnie Mac if he didn’t at least go the well once more. With Kamala seemingly away from the WWE ring, Vince had brought back Tony once more. Yet, it also seemed that Vince still had ill feelings toward Tony, and how, in his eyes, he ruined the plans of what he would do with Tony for a good five to fifteen years. And as we’ve seen in the past, when Vince decides he has something against a wrestler, he decides to place them in an extremely racial charged, and stereotypical gimmick. Care for an example?

And thus, Vince, knowing Tony had nowhere else to turn to, saddled Tony with “Saba Simba” a gimmick eerily reminiscent of Kamala. He was every bit as savage, and every bit as stereotypical. Again, he spoke no English, and was only noticeable by his garb which he wore to the ring. Even though it was noted in the WWE magazine that it was Atlas “rediscovering his roots”, he stilled show very few signs of actual intelligence. And though he wasn’t led to the ring by a white man, Saba danced in the ring in a rhythm that would suggest that he was stepping on hot coals, or that he was moving in a tribe like manner. The only thing that separated him from Kamala was that he was much more built than Kamala, and that he actually had far more skill. Still, his matches were so hard to get into, mainly because the crowd was so pissed by what they were witnessing.

Which now brings us to The Match of Ineptitude, which was painstaking to find. Needless to say, this idea was so unpopular, it lasted very little actual time in the WWE. However, I was able to track down this match, which was quite the clunker, between Saba Simba, and The Barbarian.

[youtube]TDaegdeeXjY[/youtube]

Why it Failed: Saying such a thing would imply that Vince actually intended for this gimmick to work. How could Vince have ever believed that Saba Simba was ever going to fly in the society it was placed in. We had already gone through The Civil Rights Movement, and were at a period in racial stereotypes were now heavily monitored. We were dealing with a far more learned culture, and one that was far less prone to racial stereotypes and promoting racism. Disney movies could fly at the period they were produced in, mainly due to the nature of the media at this point, and The Jim Crow laws that were put into place in some areas of The United States. However, once that new fangled Civil Right Movement took place, Vince should have been well aware that some members of his audience might have been offended by so many racial implications placed upon one character at one time. It’s not like it really stopped him, I suppose (Read: Taking back Kamala in 1992, Tatanka), but the fact that he placed each and every negative stereotype you could on African Americans probably wasn’t the right way to go. I was just flat out stunned that Vince didn’t give a watermelon to walk down the ring with, or didn’t have him do tribal chants before his matches.

Which brings me to my ultimate theory: There is absolutely no way Vince planned for Saba Simba to legitimately get over. As we’ve seen in recent history, Vince has quite the ability to hold grudges. Be it against anyone who spurns him, there’s usually a period in which he expresses his frustrations with that man through his media outlet, the WWE. Be it a professional wrestler or not, directly stated or otherwise, Vince simply has no problem airing out his dirty laundry on Television. And if he can directly attack someone he has a beef with, even if it means paying the man, he’ll do it. It wasn’t as if Tony was a horrendous athlete at this point, or couldn’t work, because the fact was that he could. At the very least, Tony was still a respected veteran in the ring, and a ring general. There’s no way that Vince was going to give this man a chance to succeed, due to how he spurned Vince in the past. And if Vince wants do that, that’s entirely his decision, and at this point, he ran a private company. The FCC wasn’t going to challenge him on his overt racism, nor did it seem he was going to face corporate sponsors backing away. So, as long as Vince realized he was safe with these measures, he saw it fit to pile every black stereotype he could on Tony. That’s not to say that Vince believed that all black people were savages, but one must admit that his portrayal of black people has been, at best, extremely unkind. Furthermore, Vince has dealt multiple times with wrestlers that have spurned him with drugs. Case in point?

And you didn’t exactly see Jeff buried, did you? Even though Vince had been spurned by Jeff, and Jeff even went to the rival company for a little while, Vince still welcomed him back, and even gave him a main event position. You don’t mean to tell me that Vince doesn’t have a bit of racial division within his mind, do you? Why did Atlas get saddled with his gimmick when he returned to Vince, yet Jeff was given a main event spot upon his return? Atlas was over at the point that he left, and it wasn’t like the fans would have forgotten too much about him in the time span that he left. So why would he subject Atlas to such a burdensome gimmick, when one considers the relative ease that Vince has had with certain wrestlers that have spurned him?

Which brings us to our ultimate moral, and what hopefully Vince learned from this experience; piling up so many stereotypes on one character. Whether it is Saba, Kamala, or Akeem (another wrestler that I was going to include in this exhibit, but the more I think about it, definitely deserves his own exhibit, which will be opened some day), simply piling up stereotypes doesn’t exactly make for a compelling character. All it makes for is outrage, and for viewers to turn off their televisions, upset with what they’ve just witnessed.

Moment of Saving Grace: There is none. There's no possible way I can even begin to defend racial stereotypes. You could not pay me enough to even try. I know this memorial is meant to be an enjoyable thing, and to be taken with a light heart. But there’s absolutely no saving grace to racism, and prejudice has no place in our society. Simply put, one would assume Vince knows far better than to actually force racist gimmicks upon his wrestler, and to make his company as racially charged as Saba Simba. Still, Vince had to let his pride get in the way, and bring out a gimmick the likes of which I hope would never be duplicated again. Surely Vince would realize from his mistakes, and we’d never see a case of stereotypes against minorities ever….

Again? Damn it, Vince, you just don’t know when to stop, do you? Anyway, that gimmick is for another time, as now we’ll worry about inducting the racist piece of trash into the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Join us tomorrow, as we encounter a subject that is far more light hearted

The Kennel From Hell Match.

See ya.

 

[SavageTaker]

The whole thing with Saba Simba’s character was a complete failure. The whole character flopped big time and I don’t think if given the chance to continue for a longer amount of time it would have worked anyways. Everyone thought that Tony Atlas playing a warrior of Ugandan tribe was racist. It was just bound to fail from the get go. No one wanted to see it continue and despite Vince McMahon continuing on with the character it was still very unpopular.

Thank God Tony left for WCW. I can only imagine what would have happened if he stayed and the Vince decided to continue on with the character.

I honestly would have thought that they would give Tony something better to do. Especially considering the fact he with Rocky Johnson becoming the first Black team to hold the tag team belts and because he had just finished battling his problems with drug addiction. Like I said thank god he left before the character could go on any further because it honestly was just a shame Tony was in a position like that.

To finish off, this is another of those times where I wish I could be inside of Vince’s head to see what he was thinking. What the hell was he thinking by putting characters like Saba Simba on TV? Wasn’t he thinking it through enough or did it that he didn’t not worry or care about what people though on what he was doing.

 

[Tenta]

Great question, Savage, as I would have loved to be in the room with how they discussed Tony would go about his business. I really do believe that there's absolutely no way Vince wanted Saba to work. Tony had already scorned him once, and scorned him good. The fact is, Vince was going to turn Tony into the original Hulk Hogan, I view, but the drugs really caught up to him. Had Tony not been kicked out, I have no idea how it would have went.

For the record Savage, you've officially earned an employment status here, and are always offering good stuff onto here. Can't thank you enough, man

 

[SavageTaker]

I think that Vince was indeed trying to build Tony as the African-American Hulk Hogan. But the drugs eventually caught up with Tony and I think in some way Vince was forced to not go with the original problems, if he really was building him the way we think. Tony became a serious drug addict and became extremely unreliable. He was missing too many dates with the company and eventually he just had to leave. Someone that was the way he was then just cannot work for a company that is running shows very often.

Thankfully, Atlas was able to overcome his drug addiction but I don’t think Vince regained his trust in him when he returned. For one he went to WCCW. It never helps to leave a company and then go to another. It just isn’t going to help you unless your name is Hulk Hogan. If that isn’t your name then forget about anything you might have been guaranteed beforehand. Vince is known to hold grudges and this was the case here. Vince wasn’t happy at Atlas for numerous reasons. He had drug problems and maybe he didn’t feel he totally got over them and he went to another company. Those were probably the 2 main reasons why Vince was unhappy with Atlas. So once Tony returned to the company, Vince felt he needed to gain revenge because of what Tony did previously to him. His revenge was sticking him with the gimmick we are discussing and the rest is history.

 

[FromTheSouth]

Man, Tenta, these are very well written articles. I mean, this is a better version of wrestlecrap.

Well done sir. I havew a few Saba Simba memories, and none of them are positive.

I would never call Vince racist. All characters are stereotypes, and jsut because black wrestlers have to follow the same rules, does not mean that Vince is racist. Stone Cold was a stereotype of a redneck. HHH started a stereotype of east coast elite. The spirit squad were gay stereotypes, and not once did anyone question Vince's tolerance. These are wrestling characters. Are you going to tell me that Antonio Banderas characters are all racist because they speak with an accent and say things in Spanish? Entertainment is all about taking something that exists as common knowledge and exploiting the differences to give the character depth.

If you step back, and take a look, Vince's "racism" has been pointed at whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Samoans, Native Americans, homosexuals, and women. No one is safe from Vince, or wrestling as a whole.

That is a small point I have a difference with, but other than that, I love these articles.

 

[Tenta]

Hello again, one and all, friends and spammers indeed. Step right up and prepare to watch both your ears, eyes, and reproductive organs bleed, to the sheer terror that is the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. If professional wrestling ever had a medical book, what you are about to witness would definitely be categorized under the term “diarrhea”. This is the type of stuff that your father warned you about, and if your mother ever knew was going on in professional wrestling, would drag you by the ear, and wash your eyes and ears out with soap, just to try and clean you from the mess you’ve just went through. Instead of watching these matches and reliving these gimmicks, I’d rather take a golden spear, shove it up my butt, and try to bounce on the spear like a spring, as if it were a tail and I were Tigger of “Winnie the Pooh”. This is the absolute most horrifying, and indeed, tears inducing, building our crack group of scientists could create, and that didn’t defy the decency of humanity. And believe me; such a task was extremely difficult. If you were to take your family on a road trip, I’d recommend taking your children to the Gates of Hell before bringing your children to the terrifying, and insane, exhibits that you will witness for the day. Yet, again, this place does serve a purpose to one and all, and is placed upon this Earth for a reason; to remind us of the horrible deeds of promoters past and present, with a hope that they may learn for the future, before Professional Wrestling does, indeed, go the way of Poor Tiny Tim. And now, let’s move away from Dickens, and prepare to explore what truly has become, for the wrestling world, The Heart of Darkness. Yesterday was a bit of a polarizing episode, as we dealt with the effects of racism, and stereotypes within pro wrestling, and inducted Saba Simba into theJohn Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. Admittedly, this was not a very fun day for me, as any time one crosses that line of racial stereotypes; it is bound to bring out the anger in all of us. And now, we move from the polarizing, to the utterly confounding, and outright moronic, side of professional wrestling. As we reveal yet another abomination dropped on the world of professional wrestling, I ask the audience to take solace in the fact that this certain abomination has never been duplicated since its inception. However, that does seem like quite the moot point, as when considers the lunacy in the storyline, and the utterly disgusting nature of the story, this atrocity should have never happened in the first place. So without delay, let’s now move to the introduction.

Our society is one that absolutely loves puppies.

[youtube]b0HOMScuARE&feature=related[/youtube]

No, no, no! Not those puppies. Good God, those puppies need to be put down, really, really badly. I’m on the exact same train of thought as KB, in that I don’t know how there’s any way anyone could have found Debra attractive. All she had were her breasts, and that was pretty much it. No, I don’t mean those kinds of puppies. I mean these kind of puppies:

Yes, our culture is absolutely infatuated by puppies, and dogs. We’ve deemed them man’s best friend, and the American dream usually includes a dog to play with the children. And why do we love dogs so much?

We just can’t help it because… Well… They’re so cute! Oh, look at the little puppy! Aw, he’s waging his wittle tail. How sweet is the widdle baby? Who’s a good puppy? Who’s a good boy? Yes, you’re a cute little puppy! It’s so adorable. Aw, look at it, it’s piddling all over the brand new carpet! Isn’t it oh so precious. Can we keep him? Can we please keep him? Pretty pretty pretty pretty please can we keep him?

… Ahem… I’m sorry for that little outburst. Anyway, we absolutely love dogs. They’re loyal, they’re brave, they’re adorable, they play with their masters, and their just about as good, if not better, than actually having a real baby. All of those gushy feelings of warmth reach us all when we look at puppies, even if you’re Slyfox. Even the Grinch had to have a puppy. That should tell you just how damn lovable these dogs are, and how much we idolize them in our society. It’s part of the reason why someone like Michael Vick gets two years in prison, meanwhile, Dante Stallworth can get twenty four days in prison for vehicular homicide, and a DUI. Anyway, that’s basically the story of dogs in America; we love our dogs, and if you hurt one, so God help us, you better be prepared to be eating out of your own asshole for about a good week.

And speaking of law enforcement and dogs, (Wow, I think that segue actually kind of worked. How I actually went from Michael Vick to the Big Boss Man, I’ll never know) there was one time, in particular, when Vince McMahon tried to mix the two, and give us a gimmick in which a dog was killed, cooked, and prepared for the owner to eat. Even by John Tenta’s standards, killing a pet on television and serving in on television makes for utterly disgusting, humiliating, and flat out trashy tele…

[youtube]Hu_XaibwjaE[/youtube]

Vision… Um, well, yeah. I’d really better stop using these youtube clips, as only God knows when I’m going to need one, and we’re only in the middle of the introduction here. Anyway, Vince has run a storyline in which such an occurrence has actually happened… Over the Hardcore Title, no less. And in the end, this storyline would lead to a gimmick match the likes of which man was not even close to being ready for. And by “not ready for”, I mean that we’d rather watch Mae Young undress herself seven hundred and thirty two times before actually having to watch this match again. It has been deemed by some as “The worst match of all time”. Some have called it, “A step backward in the process of creating a pay per view match”. And if you could ever get Mick Foley to admit that Al Snow actually had a career, he would probably say that this was the match to ruin it. The match was between Al Snow and a man who probably had the worst year for storylines ever in the history of professional wrestling, The Big Boss Man. And while some are hesitant to call it by name, fearing Vince McMahon will hear them, and attempt to recreate the match once more, here at the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks, we must take that step that most are hesitant to. With that in mind, it’s time that we actually discuss our next inductee into the JTMFTG,

The Kennel from Hell Match

What Was It: Well, before one begins to examine what exactly the match was, first let’s take a look at exactly how this match came to be. And it all started with The Big Boss Man’s fixation for the coveted Hardcore Title.

Oh, how Boss Man wanted that Hardcore Title, indeed. He cherished it more than life itself, and centered his entire thought process around that damn belt. He became quite the heel for the belt, and would do just about anything for that belt. And the reason why he cared so much for it was… Well, no one really knows. While the Hardcore Title hadn’t reached the status of comedy sideshow just yet, it was getting fairly close, and was certainly nothing to be proud of holding at the time you did. Can you just imagine a promo between whomever the WWE champion was at this point, and the Hardcore Champion:

Hardcore Champion: Damn it, I’m the hardcore champion, and I’m just as good as you. And, I’m hardcore! Grr…

World Champion: Well then… That’s great… Now, you want to do me a favor, and go fetch me a sandwich really quickly? That’s really all your good for around here.

Perhaps that’s not exactly how it went, but nevertheless, The Hardcore Championship, at this point, went to a relative jobber, and someone who probably didn’t pick up too many wins in The WWE. As a matter of fact, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t it at this point that Al actually created “The J.O.B. Squad”, a group of relative jobbers that really served no purpose for the WWE, either to get pinned just about every match, and maybe win a couple of matches on Sunday Night Heat? Either way, for whatever reason, Boss Man wanted that Hardcore Title, and started a feud with Al Snow over it, winning the title from him at the 1999 Fully Loaded, and then losing it right back to him at that year’s Summerslam. And I’m not entirely sure what was more degrading for Boss Man… The fact that he was actually feuding over The Hardcore Title, or the fact that he was actually losing that feud to Al Snow, of all people. Sure, the guy did something in ECW, but by the time he returned to the WWE, he was viewed as next to nothing. Any momentum that he had entering the WWE completely vanished by the first month, and he was back to jobbing in the lower portion of the card. And yet, The Boss Man strived to find the weakness of Al Snow.

Well, he wouldn’t have to look too hard, before he noticed Al Snow’s biggest weakness; a tiny Chihuahua by the name of Pepper. Al Snow was forced to walk around with the damn dog, because of a lawsuit that had come to the WWE. This lawsuit was based upon an Al Snow action figure that had the old inanimate object Al used to carry around, Head. Now, when one considers this lawsuit, there are two things that are somewhat peculiar about the case.

A. That the plaintiffs in the case actually thought that Al was carrying around a legitimate severed head, and that nobody watched the show nearly enough to realize that “Head” was actually a mannequin head.
B. That somebody actually took the time to purchase an Al Snow action figure. And yes, by the end of this induction, I will have probably made more Al Snow jokes than Mick Foley. I apologize in advance.

But regardless, now Al was carrying around this little Chihuahua names Pepper, because apparently, Al Snow simply can’t get over without carrying something to the ring. Al would claim that dog was talking to him, much like Head, and that he was hearing voices. It was as an odd a pairing as you’ll ever see in the WWE, but still, there was Al, every night, walking down the ring with his precious dog, Pepper. They shared a bond like no other, and admittedly, the dog was pretty cute.

But that maniacal fiend, The Big Boss Man, had a plan to make sure that Al was completely psyched out for his match. Because, you know, it’s extremely difficult to beat Al Snow and shit. Anyway, one day, Boss Man took Pepper from Al, during a Hardcore Title defense, no less, and drove away with the damn dog. For hours, we pondered over questions that seemed like we’d never get an answer to namely.

Namely, that question was, “What the fuck am I watching right now?”

Alas, Pepper enthusiasts, fear not, As The Boss Man promised to return Pepper to Al Snow. For once, all seemed right in the wrestling world, and it seemed that we could indeed, all get along. Boss Man said that he would give Al his dog back on an episode of Smackdown, and even invited Al back to the hotel room to discuss the issue. It seemed like, for once, the WWE could solve its problems with rational discussion, and that harmony would overtake us all. It seemed as if the Peace Era of the WWE had officially begun.

And then The Big Boss Man killed Pepper, cooked the damn thing, and served it to Al Snow. The gimmick was tasteless (pardon the pun), to say the least, and it ruined the appetite of many people watching. This wasn’t the lowest thing the WWE produced, but it was damn near close. It gave absolutely no entertainment value whatsoever, and managed to make The Big Boss Man even more unpopular than he already was.

Or did it? It would appear that fans just cared about how disgusting the gimmick was, and not about the man who perpetrated it. Simply enough, it didn’t get the heel Boss Man any more or less over. We just really didn’t care that much at all, and were more or less disgusted by the act. As I’ve alluded to before, this gimmick has been done before on one occasion, and that was to a much more lovable, and far more relevant. Squashing Damien back in 1990 may have gotten Tenta heat, but it did nowhere that much heat for The Boss Man. To say that BBM was placed into some terrible gimmicks at the time would be like saying the Hindenburg had a little leak. And this was just another one of those gimmicks for poor Ray Traylor.

So, in vengeance, Al Snow created the first, and if God has any mercy, last, Kennel from Hell match. The structure was actually somewhat simple for the match. Both wrestlers would be enclosed inside of a steel cage, which would be enclosed by a Hell in a Cell. And before you wonder this, because I actually did, yes, there was neither another cage match nor a Hell in a Cell match on the card for that night. Which means Vince specifically ordered both cages just for this match alone. When you think about it, that’s the equivalency of whipping your ass with one hundred dollar bills. Anyway, if that wasn’t enough wasted money, Vince ordered for “rabid dogs” to guard the side of the ring, like lumberjacks, and to theoretically attack any of the wrestlers that attempted to escape the cage. When one really breaks it down, it really is the equivalency of the Punjabi Prison match… Except actually far more ******ed. And that’s really saying something there.

Anyway, with all of that in mind, let’s go to The Match of Ineptitude, and the title could not possibly be any more fitting than for this match right here. This is the actual match, which occurred at the 1999 Unforgiven pay per view. In case you’re wondering, that is Kevin Kelly and Mick Foley doing commentary on this match, mainly due to the fact that neither JR nor the King wanted anyone to say they were even remotely related to that match. At least, that’s how I take it. And with that in mind, let’s go to The Kennel from Hell match, between Al Snow and the Big Boss Man.

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Why It Failed: First of all, let’s not ignore the obvious here; it was a hardcore match inside of a cage match. Who in the fuck decides that it’s a good idea to book a hardcore match inside of a cage? I can understand the logic behind a hardcore ladder match, and a falls count anywhere, and just about any other match that could possibly take place for the Hardcore Title. Vince could have invented a match in where you had to set your opponent on fire, and then pee the fire out, and it would have still made more sense than putting a hardcore match inside of a cage. Simply put, a hardcore match is in need of weapons, and it needs that extra gimmick to get itself over as different from any other match. Sure, the Kennel from Hell was… different… But it surely wasn’t a hardcore match by any stretch of the means. And not only did Vince keep his wrestlers limited by one cage, he even placed another cage around them, just for the mere show of the event. The match itself was portrayed horrendously, as we’d come to see, neither of these wrestlers had chemistry with one another, and neither was capable of putting up a decent match with the other, without weapons. Yes, they were able to pull out a weapon or two in the match, but there was really no emphasis on the fact that this was a hardcore match, at all. As sad as it is to say this, perhaps this match would have been better suite being about The Hardcore Title, as opposed to Pepper.

Speaking of the poor, Chalupa eating little bastard, another part of what this match so horrendous was to have put the story around it like they did. Simply put, the story didn’t attract viewers; it completely disgusted. You’d be hard pressed to actually find someone who likes this match, even as a guilty pleasure. The story was absolutely ludicrous, and the man that came up with it deserves to be fired, dragged out to the desert by Clint Eastwood by his feet, and shot. I dare you to find any story not named Katie Vick that matched it for utter ridiculousness, and inability to get either wrestler over with the fans. Simply put, any type of story you run on killing dogs is probably not going to get over, no matter how many types of gimmicks you put around it. You could have put the I Quit match between Bret and Steve into that story, and the match would have been completely shat on.

And speaking of dogs and being shat on, what did those “vicious dogs” wind up doing for the entire match, anyway? It appears as if those dogs did jack shit for the actual structure of the match, and I can’t say I blame them. Throughout the match, all they did was relieve themselves on the floor, and mount other dogs, hoping to find some type of benefit to the match. I’m not saying I wanted the dogs attacking either Al or BBM during the match, because that would have made the match even more horrific. However, since the dogs were part of the actual gimmick to the match, it would have been nice if they had some relevance to the match. Instead, they meant very little, as the wrestlers ran around the dogs, pretending as if these dogs would kill them, and that the dogs were bloodthirsty. Simply enough, the dogs were very much like the fans; they did not care for the match one bit, and decided to shit all over it.

Moment of Saving Grace: And really, this one was quite the stretch to think about, and honestly, this may seem a bit like a cop out, but if there is a moment of saving grace, it’s that it forced Al Snow to no longer carry around an object anymore. Granted, Al did ok work with a schizophrenic character, but he honestly played the character no better than Psycho Sid, or Waylon Mercy. The only thing that got him over so badly was that he had Head, and everyone loved the double entendre so much, they decided to cheer him on. Simply put, I never saw the buzz in Al Snow, nor do I think it will ever. Losing Pepper forced Al to go alone, and become exactly what I remember of him; Mick Foley’s lackey, who takes all of his jokes, and was foiled by all of Mick’s lame humor. Then, once The Rock got involved, it forced Al even more down the comedic tube, which actually worked really well for him. Just watch this clip of him, right here with Mick and Rock;



Now tell me you didn’t at least somewhat enjoy that. It’s better than anything else I’ve seen Al done, honestly. If the WWE had created a gimmick like this for Al to have done for his career, I feel he could have been just as entertaining, if not more, than some people find Santino now. Anyway, but besides that, there really isn’t much to save this damn match at all. It was poor in taste, and it was extremely counterproductive to any momentum Al or BBM might have had. And that’s exactly why this match gets a top spot in the John Tenta Memorial for Terrible Gimmicks. That’s all for today; join us tomorrow when we unveil our next exhibit;

Papa Shango: Papa of all that is Crap.

see ya.