Sometimes fate is out of our hands. Regardless if you believe in God, if you believe in fate, things will happen the way they are meant to happen. It could be by random chance that your Parents ran into her. It could be by random chance that you and her ever first met, and shes made this much of an impact on your life.
I don't exactly think anything is random chance though. I can retrace most everything thats been important in my life to a crossroads, a decision I made that lead me down that path, to that individual. Whether that was me making my own decisions, or God or fate secretly showing me the path to take, I'll likely never know.
The thing is, you can lie to a million people. You can lie to the entire world, and even attempt lying to God. But you'll never be able to lie to yourself. So why try?
This girl meant the world to you. If you feel its best if she lived her life without you as someone important in it, then thats your decision, but you'll never know what SHE wants from you.. if you don't ask. And the most important thing of all is you honestly shouldn't be making "her" decision, just because you "assume" something bad.
Thats admirable. We as humans generally don't feel we're good enough for those we truly love. I could greatly be wrong on that, and it could be more my own opinion on the matter as well. But the fact is, you're basing this off of believing that you aren't good enough for her because of the things you've done in your life.
When the fact is, you don't know she would see it the same way. She loved you at one time. She cared for you, and she obviously remembers you. Good or bad, if she remembered you then you made some type of lasting impression, especially when you haven't seen each other for years.
Don't sell yourself short, simply because you see all the negatives in yourself. Because the right person won't look at those negatives and see an awful person, but instead accept them as imperfections, which everyone has.
You assume, I would presume. You can't know for a fact that you would treat her like shit unless you're preplanning to do so. You "assume" you'd do that, because its what you've done to every other girl who wasn't her. But keep in mind the reason you likely did it, was because in the back of your mind (or directly up front) you knew who you wanted.. and none of them, were her.
The bolded part is what I want to stress on the most. Because I've been there. Its NOT fair to hold onto someone, when you love someone else. Its NOT fair to simply settle down and become stagnate with one person, merely because its a safe bet they won't leave you.
Its NOT fair to them, to give you all of their love, when you can't give it back in return. If you become complaisant to her, then all you'll be doing in the long run is hurting both of you and any children you may come to have together.
You have to let go of the past and release the grip on the memories. I'm not saying forget them. I'm not saying quit holding love for the girl from your past. I'm simply saying, don't just settle in another relationship because you feel its what you need to do.
Hollywood ending don't happen often. If ever at all. I won't tell you to stop dreaming that they could, hell I still dream that they could, but in all likelyhood you take what you get. And you live your life to the best of your abilities.
Life is a risk. Love is a chance. You don't gain anything, by constantly playing it safe. You go out, you life, you learn. You fall, you get hurt, but you keep picking yourself up with more knowledge than before.
I know you're scared of seeing her again. And if you don't wish to, or want to, then don't. But do NOT do it due to being scared. Because this girl has meant the world to you at one point.. and you don't just suddenly give all that up, because you're afraid of the outcome.
Life goes on, regardless of anything. She lived her life without you, because she had no alternative. You can't just stop living because you aren't with someone.
This is a personal demon that you really can't blame on her. You can opt to claim it was in light of the situation regarding her, but it was your own decision.
The thing I honestly feel you need to do, before all else, is fix yourself. You need to focus on repairing and rebuilding your own life. Become stable. Don't rely or depend on anyone else giving you happiness, or giving you a better life.
Its up to YOU to live your own life. Its up to you to make your own decisions. Good or bad, at least you're living for yourself and not allowing someone to control you, or make your decisions for you.
