Dear Lord Vincent Kennedy McMahon,
As you most certainly are aware of by now, I, Lord Richard Wellingtonsworth, have been commissioned by our most magnificent Queen to examine the current state of the world of Sports Entertainment in the United States of America and to inform you of the Queen's wishes for change and improvement. She has been infatuated with the industry ever since she was a very young girl. You can understand why she has shown so much interest and concern for your company, being that it is the only relevant one in the world. Given the current power our country currently holds over yours due to the tremendous monetary debt you to us, it would be in your best interest to follow our demands as precisely as possible.
Based on the panicked reactions and worry you have expressed during your interviews with the news media, it appears that you are in a state of distress over what sanctions we may be imposing on you and your company. However, we urge you not to worry, Lord Vincent. You see, our findings have not been all of the negative nature. In fact, there were multiple facets of your industry that we found to be more than satisfactory. I think it would be best to start off my address to you with these praises, in the interest of keeping your spirits in good order for a moment, even if it is fleeting.
Firstly, the fact that you provide programming everyday is a major positive for our Majesty. Whether it be World Wrestling Entertainment: Smashmouth on Wednesday or World Wrestling Entertainment: Young Blood on Sunday, there is always something available for avid sports entertainment enthusiasts. I can not imagine the outcry you would receive if this daily schedule was interrupted.
The Queen is also a fan of the high quality technology you company employs, which should be obvious. Without the analysis fans receive from in ring camera angles as well as high speed cameras, I do not know how they would be aware of all that is going on. The replay booth for officials is another necessity that certainly should not be tampered with.
However, I'm sorry to say that there is no more positive feedback to present to you. Overall, the Queen has expressed displeasure with your current product. Hopefully you can learn from the following criticisms and make the proper adjustments, unless you intend on handing over your entire company to the Queen, of course.
The Queen has a rather large issue regarding the treatment of a certain entertainer, who happens to be the Queen's favorite. That man of course, is Wolfstein DeMario. You see, back before the sports entertainment industry was completely monopolized by you and company, Sir DeMario was one of the Queen's favorite entertainers. However, it seems that since he has joined your company, the Queen's true love has not be very successful. Not a single golden belt has been seen around his waist. The Queen expects to see a World Championship around his waist within the next fortnight. Restoring his proper name of Nigel is also a requirement.
This next complaint stems from some of my more in depth research. While reviewing video recording of previous sports entertainment programs, I noticed something queer. It was something that appeared several times during each program and elicited a favorable response from the crowd. It appears that the phenomenon I am talking about were called "matches." They are somewhat similar to the "confrontations" that you produce during your current programs, except for the fact that they generally last more than one minute and revolve around many different attack maneuvers rather than standard punch and kick. Whilst presenting these "matches" to the Queen, she seemed quite pleased. In fact, she exclaimed that these events were more interesting than what she is currently viewing. Keep that in mind when you undergo you reform.
The age of your entertainers is also something that concerns the Queen. Based on several complex calculations, we have determined that the mean age of one of your entertainers is 49 years old, with virtually the same assortment of men that were employed a decade ago. Not only is it quite pathetic for many to watch entertainers such as Ric Flair and Steve Borden to continue to entertain when they are clearly no longer able to perform at sufficient levels. The Queen does not enjoy watching balding men with a few stray gray hairs. She demands fresh, young muscle.
Another slight annoyance comes from the three dimensional glasses the Queen is forced to wear whenever she watches sports entertainment. While these spectacles may contribute greatly to success in the Box Office, especially in movies such as Avatar 14, they have no place in the realm of television. The Queen cannot bother to acquire a new pair every time she misplaces her original pair. Also, they do not match her outfit very well.
The Queen also is quite displeased with your premiere event, World Wrestling Entertainment: Triple Threat. The concept of having three way confrontations thought the show is one that has quickly become uninteresting to the Queen. She, as well as many others, think a one on one confrontation is ideal for such a big show. The Queen's recent viewings of "Wrestlemania" have only strengthened her view on the matter. From what I have gleaned, it appears that this was formerly the premiere event for you company. It seemed to feature quite lengthy and exhilarating "matches" and had an outstanding atmosphere surrounding it. In fact, these "Wrestlemania" events were so exciting that it caused the Queen to experience what can only be described as an orgasmic experience. I assure you, this is something the Queen wants to feel as much as possible whilst watching sports entertainment.
Whilst researching, we also came upon a few more subjects of interest, specifically what appeared to be other sports entertainment companies. However, these seemed to be quite different from World Wrestling Entertainment. First of all, they called themselves "wrestling" companies for some reason. They also included the "matches" that I mentioned above, but these matches were quite different. Some included men jumping to astonishing heights while others involved men who appeared to be concealing their identity for some reason. I also came across women entertainers as well as blood completely covering the canvas of the entertainment ring. Needless to say, it was difficult to handle all of this change in one viewing. I did not dare present it to the Queen, as she had barely finished recovering from her "Wrestlemania" experience.
It appears that in the past, there was a myriad of sports entertainment options to choose from. We only have a select batch of resources here at the Royal Family Private Library, so I can only imagine what else is out there. Through research, I have learned that you are in possession of a much wider array of programs from these other sports entertainment companies. It is crucial that you make these recordings available to the public immediately if you want your company to survive. In fact, it would be most desirable that you broke up you monopoly of the sports entertainment industry and allowed these other companies to exist simultaneously. Not only would it provide choice for common fans, but it would give each and every company incentive to a high quality product, which would improve the industry as a whole.
There is also a major issue with the man who has been the "show closer" at every one of these Triple Threat events. Not only does his nose disgust the Queen, but Sir Hunter Hearst Helmsley fails to entertain the Queen as well. Every time she see this entertainer appear on here screen, she changes the channel in a fit of anger. Is it not enough to see this man on three or maybe four shows a week? As much as the Queen loves the sport of sports entertainment, she cannot stand to watch the same man every single day of the week. Especially such a man with such a limited and predictable entertainment set as Hunter.
From our research, we have determined that Hunter is closely related to you and is the heir to your throne following the tragic death of your other son due to a cocaine addiction. Here in Britain, we understand the concept of Monarchy. It is something that we are very proud about. However, even we have developed a Constitutional Monarchy, which removes any real power or responsibility away from the royal family. Perhaps you should think of doing the same, Vincent. Both Hunter and yourself are much too old to continue doing what you are doing. You can still be involved, but it should be on a much smaller scale. Trust in the people with relevant talent and knowledge. It is time for you to fade into the background. Maybe if you had done so years ago, we would not have to apply this change by force.
Sincerely,
Lord Richard Wellingstonsworth
