RP Feedback Thread

[Hyorinmaru]

Requested feedback for Deadman ( if you want feedback from me let me know otherwise I more than likely won't give it)

First: You need to go in depth on your opponents rather than just saying you gonna beat the crap out of them. What I do when working on an RP is I go read past shows and see what happened to them and I bring that up. In this case because none of you have been in a match I would have gone to their APPS and read the brief History section and used that against them, make your attacks personal.

Second: Try to keep the swearing and slang to a bare minimum. It hurts RPs more than it helps them and in all honesty it's not really needed.

Some people will say your RPs need to be longer but I'm not one of those people. Quality > Quantity.my RPs are very rarely over 1,000 words but I am Mayhem Champion. If you go in depth and talk about your opponent(s) and the match (you need to talk bout both) then you'll be fine.

on a scale of 1-10 I would give your RP a 3. Don't get down, take all feedback to heart, get better and you can only go up.

 

[Lee]

Christiansen

Ignoring the fact that you RPd with Leon and it had to be deleted and redone, there was one other thing that really annoyed me about this RP;

have a right to be cocky. I am clearly the most athletic individual on the entire roster. I can beat anyone out there

No, you just lost to Callahan last show. Would youu get someone who was beaten on Raw the week after claim they could beat anyone? No, they wouldn't.

I liked the intrigue with this guy and the case though, that was good.

C+

 

[Danmen001]

Yes, I'm doing meaningful Feedback. You'd be surprised at how bored I am. Anyhow.

And yes, I'm aware many of those I'm doing feedback and leaps and bound better than me. But this is what I think.

USA - I like the USA, military ass character. You go for your country, which is something I like (obviously). One thing I usually like people to use is coloured font, but for you, it seemed to work. Still, it may be easier on the eyes if you played around with the centre, or Ittalics buttons. The RP was solid for a fairly new guy. One thing everyone including me does though, is the "I'm better because I am" thing. That doesn't always work out well, especially in juding time.

Will - This one was a good read. And I like your fomatting as well. You answered all the issues well, but as Ricky (I think) said, you almost made one of the regular interviewers stick up for himself. Interviewers, I prefer if they just act as more of an accessory. Solid RP though.

Milenko - I've never really been a fan of the underline formatting. But, whatever. The actual reading of the RP was nice. I didn't like the flow to a new paragraph, because all the paragraphs seemed to start with Drake (or Callahan). You played off history, which was good. Overall good, not near your best though.

Garth - I liked the fact that he thinks he can do it without help, he comes off as cocky. You managed to do it without straight up saying "I'm the best", or something without any reasoning. One thing though, why does a child want your autograph? I'm under the impression you're a heel, and even if you're not you aren't really "mainstream" yet, in my opinion.

Phoenix - First thing, shortening Becky to BS made me lol. I'm so immature. Anyway, one thing is that I didn't like how you wrote "(sarcastically)" before you said it. I'd like to be able to pick that up from the wording, or with a description rather than straight up saying it. For instance "While rolling his eyes". It was alright, just tell me what his "trademark pose" is, in description. The ending "Becky in the hallway alone" I liked.

James Baker - First, fix formatting. I didn't pick up you were a "gangsta", until you straight up said it dog (lol). I should try to have people pick that up within the speaking of your character. Also work on setting your scene, in the parking lot was good, but for someone who is a gangsta, I expect a gangsta run down type of enviroment. As for praise, you didn't finish your scene with "as the scene fades" which I find terribly annoying and pointless. But I definately hope the phone call leads to something in your next RP, otherwise it seems like "there forthe sake of there".

Kyle - This was probably the better RP in the match (for me). I do have some tips though. First up, when Becky interrupted, it didn't really read like she interrupted. I want to be able to read something rather than be toold it happened. Unfortunately you went for the "I can beat anyone here" without any reason for that other than something generic. Try to emphasise your catchphrase as well, because it's a good phrase, and it'll match people's attentions if you use it properly.

Ricky - It left a cliffhanger which was good. It was very readable, but I felt most of the content was "yarrr". I don't at all mind it when you say that, even every sentence, it was the fact that you didn't really say much else in this particular RP. El Guerrero is still funny though.

Red Mask - I like the "feel good" superhero thing you have going. You kinda payed ourself out, which I thought was a bit weird. "It doesn't take much to beat me". While the main issue for me isn't that you said it, it's that it didn't really fit itno the situation. You just "said it", and I'm not entirely sure the reason.

Carmen - I lloved it. The Carmen walking out thing was great. Absolutely made the RP for me, it was a slight shock, and make a cliffhanger. The one thing is, every RP I feel you Carmen beats up some random fighter. That's not neccessarily a bad thing, as it build your character up. I would consider not doing it every snigle RP though.

Everest - The first thing is... I'm sorry, I hate that you bold the whole RP. Lol, silly, but it annoys me. The other thing is you didn't use your matchphraise this week. A good change, definately. Variety works for me.

I haven't done the contract match, because I've become too lazy to do anymore feedback. Also, good luck to you Monkey. We did well.

 

[Tastycles]

I thought that the show was very good. I was particularly happy with my own match, despite losing, as there is quite clearly somwhere to go.

I think I've figured out what's happened to Leon, and I like it. If creative have dropped no hints, I apologise for talking out of my arse.

I was particularly impressed that you found a youtube video of "just a black screen". I liked the match length, long enough to get the picture, but short enough that the show can be easily read.

All in all a great show, that has given every character something to build on.

 

[Showtime]

My first feedback, and I figured I should do it now before there is too my people to give feedback too like last week. So far, it's just for the tag match and the contract match, the rest will follow when more RP's are posted.

Tag Match
James Baker
One thing I'm not sure about is whether your a heel or a face. You sum up your opponents and your partner well, but you say it in a nice way. Your like the PG rated gangsta (which is still way better than the G rated gangsta's of another company). And Becky's line between your two rants, "OK are you done yet?", to me, she sounds annoyed there,a s if wanting it to end. Unless that's what you were going for, a simple "Anything else you'd like to add?" would've worked much better. On a plus, I am curious about who you talked to on the cell and look forward to future RP's. Good RP.

Anoki
I'm simply blown away by it all, the detail, the dialogue, the descriptions. You have such a perfect idea of what you want your character to be, and each RP so far, you've revealed a small amount of who your character is and his past and it leaves me wanting to hear more. I already can't wait to see your next RP. Excellent job.

USA
Liked the RP. I liked your one from last week better thou. This one made you look more like a heel at the end. You still talked about American values and the army and being strong, but how you attacked your opponents, it reminded me of Borat when he was at the rodeo, you cheer for it at first, but after you hear more and realize what is being said, they cheered less, that's what I got from your RP. Started face, but slowly went a bit heel at the end, the snot bubble, the over-angry love of America. Your character may be popular in the States, but he'd be booed to shit in any other country, but don't take my feedback to harshly, I thought it was a great RP and that you did an excellent job with your character.

Contract Match

Thunder Fear
Your RP left me with no idea who you are or anything else besides your name. I'm sorry, it had little creativity, you showed you could say your name well in all three of your lines. The random WZCW star, who somehow has his own show where he has to pick who interviews him, asks you what question you want to ask and you state your name. It would've been 10 times better if you asked him if he knew your name, then slap him in the face and continue as such. And right away, form unknown ass kicker to saying WZCW champion, keep trying. Sorry to be so harsh.

Christian Battlez
I liked it. It was a safe, but solid RP. I like how you gave details about your past, how'd you've worked hard and overcome hardships, and what your goals and dreams are. Your the determined young underdog. Now, the thing I found interesting is what you first said to an interview, "Yeah sure I guess it couldn't hurt", first thought was, lack of confidence or scared, but then I thought, with the struggles and hardship part, maybe you yourself have some personal demons or fears of becoming to big and not true to your roots and that maybe they will be revealed if your character grows. Anyway, good first-time RP

Big Dave
Tsk Tsk, late for an interview, lol. Unlike the other two, don't have much to say. Not bad, like the little sexual tension between you and Becky, shows your character's a little bit of a player. You explained how you've prepared and pushed yourself well, but you always went back and forth, like 'I have this opportunity, but their good too" or "I'll give it my all, but there will be challenges" Not saying it's bad, but it kind of build you up and toppled you a bit. Anyway, good RP.

Ace David
Man we got a lot of David's now, me David Cougar, Big Dave up there and you, Ace Dave. Well, your RP, it was a little comical, showed your a liar, a cheat, and a thief, and that I should never play you in a poker match, which is kinda good for your character, but all in all, it didn't build you up much. I still don't know anything about you, except your a confident thief, or what you will do to win the battle royal and where you want to go in WZCZ. Ok RP.

Alex Christopher
Loved it, the description and your dialogue. I want to warn you know to not praise yourself too much on out of company accomplishments and what you've done in other places. They don't matter too much, whether you've been a big name to other companies and dominated them all. But I still liked it all. You pushed you were talented, near perfect, and very confident. That you weren't wrestling for them, but selling them YOUR name to them, and they would turn on you because of your attitude, which your fully aware of and feel it should be justified cause of your talents. Anyway, even thou I like it, I warn you not to praise too much what you've done before. This time it worked, because it explained a lot of your character.

Showtime David Cougar
Well I liked it (Of course), but I'm really interested in all your feedback on it.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Because he asked for it here's feedback for Showtime 24/7

I liked your RP. It flows and you come off as an arrogant, cocky bastard (Which is what I assume you were going for) I usually like it when a person talks about all opponents in an RP but with 7 other people I know that it would be difficult. I would give your RP a 6/10. It's a great RP and I can't wait to see what you can do in a 1-on-1 match.

 

[Gelgarin]

For the purposes on this post, Gelgarin is going to0 pretend that he is critiquing scripts or literature.

David Cougar

Liked: Fantastic writing. Laid groundwork for things to come. Had me in it.
Disliked: Big Blocks of Text. Cougar is a little one dimensional right now.

Right now Showtime seems to be quite a conventional character, and as such it's harder to hook your reader in to a piece of writing. That being said, the preceding comment can be more or less ignored, given that you've got a hold of what is the most important aspect of character development. It's what we pretentious wannabe writers describe as the characters’ voice.

You're tremendously good at maintaining a consistent tone throughout the piece. Cougar remains a narcisstic jackass (I hope that's what you're going for. If he's supposed to be an underdog baby face then you might want to rethink your strategy ), and this comes through in everything he says. Often when people are trying to portray specific characteristics, they tend to crowbar in segments to try and convey what they want, and leave the text feeling forced and unreadable. You don't even come close to doing this, so well done.

Content wise, I think solid would most likly be the best word. I especially liked the bit with me in it.

I'm obsessive with regards to continuity, so references to the past will always go over well with me, and given that the young man you hold an ill fated grudge again happens to be incarnated inside my head, it makes me happy to see the ground being laid for a potential feud.

The only other thing I can think to say, is that you put the occasional comma in the wrong place (a hypocritical comment coming from someone with violent dyslexia), and bunch your dialogue up too much. I find soliloquies will flow so much better if you add some line breaks. Ironically, when text is bunched up, it actually reads slower. Since you’re cutting what strikes me as being quite a rhythmic and fast pace promo, chopping the blocks up text up will do you no end of good.

[tempting fact]In retrospect, my favourite piece. You'll definitely get though.[/tempting fate]


Trademark

Liked: Interesting character. Forward looking piece.
Disliked: No acknowledgement of setting. Some unfortunate phrasing.

I felt the lack of an introduction hurt this piece. We went to fully fledged soliloquy right off the bat, which made it harder for me as a reader to visualize what I was seeing. It’s a minor matter, but quite a low cost way that I think you could make your RP more effective.

You have a very unfortunate typo, where your character talks about working to the “highest level of my been”. I make more than enough typos that I know never to hold them against a piece of writing, but I thought I’d mention this one simply because it did break the flow for me quite badly.

As I said for Showtime, I love the way that you two are laying rails for the future. I think that’s as area where the pair of you have a much better grasp of e-feding than myself.

The writing its self is OK. There are a couple of phrases I didn’t like. “but for every tear they shed worrying about having to face me, there is one who seems to make sense.” Sticks in the mind as a rather clunky phrase that left me a little confused as to what you were trying to say. You quickly ratified the situation with your next couple of lines, but it was a minor blemish.

All that being said; this was a perfectly acceptable RP, and I’d be very suppressed not to see you secure a contract.


Frankie

Liked: Some eloquent phrases
Disliked: Crass. Too much vulgarity and pop culture referenced. Didn’t get your character across.

My big problem with this is that, having read through it, I don’t feel like I understand your character. You’ve put across that he’s angry, but left no hint as the why this might be the case.

I also had a problem with the content. It may of course just be me, but I find the use of unnecessary swearing and pop culture references to be highly unpleasant. It didn’t make me dislike your character, but it did make me dislike reading about him, which is exactly what you need to avoid doing.

In fairness, I should add that I though your little bit on the future being unwritten was neat writing. It was smart, it was intriguing, and it made me want to hear more on the subject. My advice would be to try and tap into that tone, leave the culgarity at home, and you should have the tools to produce a reasonable RP.


Zander

Liked: Funny background image
Disliked: Lacking in content. Didn’t make the think your character would win a match.

Shouldn’t Xander be spelt with an X. Phonetically it’s all the same, but Xander is an unusual name held by a character in Buffy, whilst a Zander is a species of fish, so that might be something to watch out for.

My first comment is rather double edged, depending on what you were going for. I personally found the piece to be quite amusing, so provided Zander is a comedy character, then everything went swimmingly. If I’m supposed to be able to take him seriously then there might be a problem, but as long as you (to quote JBL) ‘stick with what brought you to the dance’, then you should be able to do OK here.


Alex Christopher

Liked: Good writing. No obvious weaknesses.
Disliked: Very ‘by the numbers’ character. Actions and text didn’t complement one another.

Well you’ve clearly got some idea of what you’re doing. You can write, and people who can write generally know that they can write, so I’ll gloss over telling you that you can write. (Gelgarin: making feedback fun)

Christopher is a well conveyed character. I’ve read your piece, and I know exactly who he is, which should be one of the major goals of a first RP. That being said, there was nothing about your character that made me want to sit up and take notice. He’s a skilled heel with a bad attitude, and unless you add some extra depth, then I think you’re going to struggle to show people anything that they haven’t seen before.

The only other negative I can pick up on it that the actions seemed like their only purpose was to break your text up. They didn’t compliment the monologue, and didn’t have any purpose of their own. I couldn’t understand what they were there for.

Still, a strong RP overall, and I’m pretty confident that you’ll last the 15 minutes.


Ace

Liked: Interesting concept. Unconventional character.
Disliked: Too little content. Slightly wooden dialogue.

Ace is probably the most interesting character in the battle royal, simply because he breaks from the normal wrestling mold. The card shark in a nice idea, and I’d like to see you make more of it in future role-plays.

In this one I’m sorry to say, I didn’t think we got to see enough of your character. I think Ace only had seven short lines of dialogue, and much of that was dedicated to the scene you were showing, and not to the match ahead.

The other problem I had was that I don’t know if Ace is supposed to be a face or a heel. It seems you’re trying to make him charismatic, but also something of a jerk at the same time. There is no reason why a character can’t be both, but it’s a tough needle to thread if you want to pull it off, I felt you missed the mark on this attempt.

Nevertheless, your RP left me wanting to hear more from Ace, so I hope that you get through.


Big Dave

Liked: Strong opening. Put over the match and company well.
Disliked: Clash between actions and dialogue.

Showtime aside, I read everybody’s RPs from bottom to top, so it’s about fucking time that I came to a baby face.

I liked the opening. It breaks from the conventional mold of going straight into the dialogue and hooked me into the text quickly. That being said, I was left puzzled as to the purpose.
When Dave is talking he comes across as a confident, charismatic baby face, but when reading the opening section I thought he was another heel. Perhaps it’s the unimpressed look, and way you had him wink at Becky (hitting on Rebecca is my new No.1 pet peeve) that did it, but the end result was two halves of role-play that didn’t fit together.

Dave’s soliloquy was quite good. There’s room to improve on the writing front, but that will come naturally as you produce more of these things. You did a good job of putting over the match, and grounding the role-play in the moment, rather than it being a generic piece of writing. You clearly took some time to do a little research into WZCW, and it added a lot.

Overall, a good piece.


And last but not least Battlez

Liked: Strong character history. Well written interview.
Disliked: Err… average writing?

Goody, another face. I guess WZCW isn’t going to be totally overrun by evil after all.

Points right away for showing some humility. Possibly it’s because I’ve been reading heel RP’s recently, but it’s nice to see someone acknowledge their rookie status. I think you’ve set the groundings for a very interesting character. If I were to knit pick, I’d suggest that you might be giving away too much information too quickly, but that’s very much a stylistic choice, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

I also liked how your piece felt like an actual interview, with interesting questions and interesting answers.

Overall your piece doesn’t have any serious weaknesses (hence my struggle to fill the dislikes category). The actual writing its self is slightly limited, but certainly not enough to take away the enjoyment of the RP. Sorry I can’t think of anything more constuctuve to say, I think I’m burned out on feedback.


Mr Fear doesn’t get feedback because he’s banned.

 

[Harthan]

So this is my first shot at feedback.

Open Contract Battle Royal

Thunder Fear - Well, he's banned, but it was total shit anyhow. Sorry. Completely nonsensical, no idea what he was saying, boring, far too short, etc., etc. 0/10

Christian Battlez - Well done. Just point out a few grammar errors first, which is nothing major but just little things to keep an eye on in the future. Know the difference between "You're" and "Your", I saw that pop up. Watch the spacing after periods as well. Notice this bit here as well: "Another goal of mine besides being World Heavyweight Champion. Is being the Elite X Champion." There's no need to separate the sentences, just having "...Champion, is being the Elite X Champion." Like I said, they're all minor points, but every bit of grammar and formatting makes it that much better. The story of the RP was really well done - it introduced the character, stated his goals, put some energy into his wanting to win the match, threw out the seeds for guys he'd like to face, and established a clear character identity. Very nicely done. I'd like to see a little more character development in the future, something to make him stick out other than just a generic wrestler with a dream of being World Heavyweight Champion. But overall, it was quite good. 7.5/10

Big Dave - I enjoyed this. The character showed a lot of himself, establishing his motives and setting a character to continue with in the future. You followed pretty much the only path you had here, i.e., winning the match, making an impact, getting a contract, and being champion someday, but you did it well, with a good setting, good voice, and good writing. You dropped a few jokes which are always good to lighten the mood, and you turned up the intensity when it was necessary. All very good things. So all I have to say is just keep the character developing in the future, and I'm sure that win or lose, you will have a future in WZCW. 7.5/10

Ace - I liked the concept here. The setting was original and worked perfectly with the character, and I enjoyed the poker game theme as they bet on the match. The trickster idea works well and that can easily carry over to the ring, and it's good for setting a character in place. A few funny moments kept it moving as well, and I liked that you addressed some of the other people in the battle royal specifically. A few notes - it's usually better to name everyone in the scene, so in the future, you might want to drop simple names in an expository conversation. Simple things like John, Mike, Joe, anything just to have the characters named instead of "Randoms". That's more of a personal preference, of course, but I don't think it could hurt. A formatting note as well, you might not want to bold everything in the RP in the future, and just stick to colors, but once again, that's a personal preference thing, but it tends to be easier on the eyes just to have regular text. Overall, the character came across nicely, you hit up everything you needed to, and you did it with style. 7/10.

Alex Christopher - Nicely done. This has all the makings of a fine heel. You definitely know how to make a heel's words flow right out off the page, reading naturally, flowing properly, and getting the message across. You also did a great job with the scene, painting it in detail - you made the reader feel like he was right there. The character is enjoyable - an indy wrestler who got put down in the all the small territories for an attitude and has decided he's going to make it big. The only thing to watch out for is not to fall into a generic cocky heel role, as that can get bland. A good, intense, RP, with great scene work, and great character development. It was everything a fine RP should be. 8.5/10.

David Cougar - This was pretty solid as well. Good job referencing last week, bringing the intensity from that in and setting up a potential feud. Great playing off the interviewer, you threw in some jokes, which I like, and turned up the intensity. You built a good heel character that is a little different from the run of the mill cocky heel, but just as Christopher above me, watch out you keep it fresh and don't let it fall into generic cocky heel. I don't think it'll be a problem, but just throwing it out there. Altogether, it was well done, well put together, and a very solid RP. 8/10

Zander Young - It felt quite...odd, to me. I mean, there were some very random moments. Why did the fight start? What was up with the fire extinguisher and the telescope? Why smash the bottle over the guy's head? I can't tell if the character is meant to be a drunk, crazy, or just a goofy frat boy. The bulk of the monologue had quite a few issues as well - first and foremost...capitalize the "I"s. It's a simple thing and not doing it is really just a mark of laziness. Notice also the apostrophe between the "I" and "m" in "I'm", which is important as well. I don't get the ending either...he seems to walk off in mid sentence, turn around to talk, and then is assaulted by the fire extinguisher man. Overall, there was a lot of random nonsense, the character was hard to decipher, the monologue was poorly written, although you did get the point across decently. A lot of problems dragged it down, and in the future, try not to add the random bits in. There's comedy, and then there's silliness. Try to set more of the character, as I said, I couldn't tell if he was drunk, insane, or just goofy. A little bit of playing off other characters and some narration can help with that. Watch the grammar as well. All in all, there's a foundation here and some work at it will help, but this foray didn't come out that well. 4/10

Frankie - First off, there are interviewers in place, with names, that you can use. So try to use names and actual people in the future. Some more grammar, you missed a bit of capitalization and that's always something to watch for. Watch spaces between commas and periods also. Try to indicate the speaker at the beginning of each line as well, rather than simple color, it just keeps everything looking nicer. The character is coming along decently, at least - an angry, Celtic fighter who just wants to kick some ass. An extreme version of Finlay, almost. Obviously, there's not much room to work with other than "I want to win this match", so a generic "I'll kick everyone's ass" is pretty acceptable here. The grammar and formatting drags it down a bit for me, it was a bit short, but the character aspect was done decently. 5.5/10

Trademark - An introduction is always nice, and setting the scene helps. Keep that in mind. Personally, as well, I like to see the speaker acknowledged in each new paragraph, but you can take that or leave it. The meat of the RP was done well, establishing your character, your motives, so on, so forth. The story with Cougar is interesting as well. The little bits with cutting off Becky worked well and added a nice touch to the RP. Overall, done well, a bit short, but got the point across. 7.5/10

Harthan Picks - I definitely expect Alex Christopher to make it, and Cougar should be right there as well. I think Big Dave and Battlez earned 15 minutes as well. I think Trademark did well enough for a spot. Ace is a bit borderline for me, but maybe. Frankie is a big maybe, and I'd really doubt it on Zander. Thunder Fear, of course, is completely out. I think after the battle royal we'll definitely walk away with some prime new talent for WZCW and I'm excited about it.

This was quite long, so I'll get feedback for the rest of the RPs up in a little bit.

 

[Showtime]

Rest of contract match:
Zander
Your RP was a fun one to read. I get your character, you're a fun loving scotsman who loves to drink and fight. You've been in a lot of fights and that makes you tough. What struck me odd is when you said you were a high-flyer and technical wrestler. For the setting I'd expect you to be a big burly Scotsman who you really wouldn't want to fight, but we'll see how the character goes. The dialogue you had was alright, but more could be explained about yourself, about what you could or will do, e.t.c. Not bad.

Frankie
K, don't want to be too harsh. Harthan is right, we do have interviewers at your disposal so that was a research error on your part. Some grammatical work really needs to be done, particularly the spacing between commas and periods and making sure the colour changes in text are different between what is said and actions that are done. Now about your RP, you discussed mildly that the place you're from is a tough area and didn't push yourself at all. Have some confidence in your character, if the future is 'what we make ourselves' than say you'll take it, don't say maybe and be unsure. He wasn't very intimidating in my opinion and the interviewer shouldn't have been either.

TM
This will sound like an echo but the lack of a good opening or intro did kill it a little. The writing was good, but without the proper setting in place I needed to re-read it again to like it. You got off the type of character you want to be and laid groundwork for future RP's, both good things. I would like to see more insight into your character, who he is and what he thinks and does. A few grammatical errors that need touching up and some rushing and slashing at odd places, but all in all a good RP there.

Rest of Tag Match
Kyle Christiansen
Interesting RP, I'm intrigued by your characters paranoia and about what's in the briefcase. You have me curious about finding out more from your character. The text was good, the interview was fun, you really didn't put over yourself, your partner, your opponents or the match very much, but that's ok cause it worked with your characters general sense of paranoia and defensiveness. Good RP

Drake v Dan
Dan Stocks
I liked it man, the detail your location, the dialogue. The verbal debate you had with the bum was solid. You called him down, humiliated him, berated him, and beat him down, you sir sunk to he lowest of levels and that deserves applause (Especially if that is what you were going for). I love how you also attacked your opponents current problem, drinking, it'll play well for the match. Nothing too negative to speak of, great RP

Drake Callahan
Dude, I have just one thing to say about your piece, epic. You pulled out something so incredible, so scary and so engaging. You had me at every word. What's more, you created another side to your character. I always enjoyed your happy go lucky drunk and now we see this totally dark and potentially dangerous side. You have the ability to use both now at any given moment to your advantage and have wars with yourself over which character wins the final battle for your character. Awesome RP.

Everest v Milenko
Milenko
I have little idea of what your character was before, so the character change does little for me. I like the change, don't get me wrong, you've suddenly realized your the best and act accordingly so, with brash and confidence. It was a good solid well paced interview. You mentioned your current opponent and your future match, which is always good. One little grammatical error speed bumbed me, in your 2nd last pg, you left out 'lost' in 'Everest has to many matches' at least I assume 'lost' went between 'has' and 'to' (also wrong too), nothing too much to worry about thou. Good solid RP

Everest
If Milenko talks like he's the number 1, then your character certainly walked like he was number 1. I like your character, he is the star, the companies number one guy, top dog, big draw, you presented that well in your RP and used it to shove back at your opponent. The meeting the president thing slightly over the top but I liked it. I liked the intensity your character got in, and you responded well to your opponents RP. The ending was a little weird and I didn't understand it, but otherwise it was a great RP.

I'm tired, I think I'll finish the rest in the mourning.

 

[Phoenix]

Here's my feedback for the first time. I shall start with the Main Matches and then on the Contract Battle Royale.

Milenko vs. Everest NON TITLE

Milenko
This RP shows the exact reason why you are one of the top guys in WZCW, you sold the promo brilliant. I could see the movements, I could hear Milenko's voice booming across. He's a badass not to be taken seriously and there's a reason why he is the Mayhem Champion. The nice twist with Milenko having no facepaint really adds dimension and a gimmick tweak coming along, this RP really pushes you far and I don't see this being the only bout you have with Everest with RPs like this. I also love how you get across how much the title means to you and despite it being the second tier belt, you made it more of a World Title. Excellent RP.

Everest
A top gun babyface promo right there, you really sell Everest as World Champion and as the face of the company. You know what to say how to sell yourself, you pump the match to a T, you make your points clear and that is to put Milenko in his place. You really feel the aggression coming through in how you plan to do it, winning is the only way. I would have called this perfect but I felt the sequence at the end with the wandering mentally challenged person should have been at the start, it took some momentum out, but you got the job done otherwise.

In short - hard to call, I would find it interesting to see if Milenko won as this is definitely grounds for an excellent programme between the two. If not, I see a DQ finish.

Red Mask v Carmen Bratchny (winner picks stipulation)

Carmen Bratchny
WOW! That is all I can say. Despite the talking being dominated by Swindle, this was brilliant. We see a side of a wrestler we don't get to see often, a drunken disorderly breakdown from losing a match. Again, the images provided in your description is very vivid. At this point, it's interesting to see where Carmen will go, will he have sympathy from the crowd or is Red Mask going to go 2-0 against him? A great image provided, it's more about Carmen's story than the match. Great RP.

Red Mask
This RP really got me looking back at Meltdown 19, which is what I like to an ongoing story, something that gives me the will to check out the history of where this is going. I find this RP interesting because there's two agendas. One, the incident with Eric Derf. Two, the possibility of a Ladder Match at Unscripted. I think again, the focus is not about the match as I want to know more about the Derf Incident, was it really RM? Was it a frame job? I really am intriqued to find out what is happening in regards to Red Mask. Great RP again

In short - the agenda is more about what's going with the guys own stories. You have Bratchney who's broken down from the loss and the disfunction of his managing team, and you have Red Mask being involved in a possible heel turn or a frame job. I think this match could again be another no contest, but as stipluations are on the line, I could see a Red Mask win. Question is, will Red Mask (or the imposter) strike again?

Steamboat Ricky v Manzo (No 1 contenders match)

Steamboat Ricky
Before I go into details, it's a shame that for two straight weeks Ricky has not had his opponent respond to his RP. It really taints his matches because Ricky does great RPs and I just wish people would make more of an effort for Ricky's behalf.

LMAO. The Ricky Pirate gimmick is brilliant, it really feels like I'm watching a character entertains me ala Santino mixed with Eddie Guerrero. Brilliant imagination and such comical relief. With all the seriousness that goes on, it's nice to see a great comedy gimmick in full swing. My only downward comment is the youtube clips, honestly you don't need them. You sell it better with the way you word it, the youtube clips take away the imagination that vividly fills my mind when reading your RP. Otherwise, great stuff!

Just putting on some dinner. Will do some more feedback in a tick

 

[Phoenix]

Garth Black vs. Phoenix

Phoenix (the WZCW Version, not me)
This is the first grudge match I come up to now and boy did Phoenix make Garth know how personal it was. This is a damn fine piece of work by a face going to the dark side for this match, you really feel how betrayed Phoenix felt from Garth walking out. There's barely a thing I'd put wrong with this RP, you really felt his anger and the will to just beat the crap out of Garth. Definitely the in my top 5 RPs of the night that I've seen so far.

Garth Black
Blimey! I had only read the first section with the Becky segment and that was a true heel moment, really brilliant, especially from a guy who walked out on a match last week. Heel guys take note, true example of how to be a great heel. Right continuing...interesting with the development with the note, you really saw a weakness moment, adding depth to Garth's character.

The response to Phoenix's interruption was brilliant, the momentum you had from the start continued across and in a word or few: IT KICKED ASS! Brillaint Heel work, you know and understand your character more than anyone and this is something that will put Garth on the top. Much like Phoenix's RP, very little fault with it. Was abit unsure about the note, but you made up for it in the rest of RP with what it referred too. Top 5 Rp as well.

In short - This will be an epic bout, for a grudge match, this is brilliant writing to get the feel and emotion going into this. It's not a match, it's brawl, a streetfight. It will be a DQ/Double DQ end, but it's not the match, this is darn sure personal. If this is building up to more things, I am excited because this is brilliant and tough to call in favour of anyone. Brilliant work you two!

Chief Anoki & USA v Kyle Christiansen & James Baker

Only tag match of the night, but four RPs to feedback on.

Team One
James Baker
A pretty decent RP, it fits to the level of the match, which is about mid-card. It nice to see James being a cocky arrogant guy about this match given the win, but I don't know what is his motivation about him? Does he just want to go to Meltdown, fight the match and then get on like nothing's happened? Is this partnership with Kyle going anyway or just another odd tag up again? I liked how short and sweet you had to say about your opponents, but if you feel your teaming will Kyle will go far, you want to place more empathsis on you and him. The other bit that confuses me is whether you're meant to be a heel or a face. The parts with Becky outside what you had to say about the match said face, but the rest was heel. It feels very mixed.

Keep at it, just abit more build and empathsis on what your character is and if this tag team is going somewhere or not.

Kyle Christiansen
A good start and good finish for a decent heel promo, the bit that brings your RP down is respecting the opponents. I mean, there's heels and then there's heels. I would understand the respect if you faced with the opponents more than once, but you contradict yourself with not hearing about your opponents to hearing about their backgrounds and what they do. That's where it messed up abit for you, otherwise the RP was good, just fine out the parts where you are going in a face direction and it will improve for your heel development.

Team Two
Chief Anoki
Loved the back story to follow up winning your contract, really adds more to the character and continues his story as he goes on from day one. I really liked this because it has a nice touch to it, we see the reaction to the last MD to attentions on this week. Two Thumbs up there. I liked the night after part as well, you really feel the inner pain he's feeling and it makes me want to know more about the Chief. I really see the character going far and he's a character that links well to the audience, you want to get behind him and know more about him. Great work, keep it up!


USA
A pretty good RP, you could really see how this pans out if it were live. I wanted to ask though, as much as USA is a patriot, is this meant to be a face or a heel? I checked your profile and you're meant to be an uberface, I find it interesting that you wanted to say that Baker doesn't deserve to live in the USA, a pretty bold statement for an uberface! The RP was good, but the lines of face and heel are blurred, if you can make it more distinct about where his loyalty lies, you will have what is needed to make the RP work. Otherwise pretty good.

In short - The one thing that made me like Chief Anoki's RP the most was because he sold himself as a true face character, he didn't lose the feel of his RP or his character. The other three really mixed up the face and heel roles, if you keep the RP focused on if your character is good or bad, you have your character complete. Your RPs are all good, but just needs that little adjustment


Vengeance v Anthony Michaels

Only one RP for this, but gonna give Vengeance his feedback.

Vengeance
Another grudge match produces another great RP. Once again, very similiar to Phoenix's, you delivered the passion and aggression that's running within. Very little I can fault you on as this a brilliant piece of work. I like the ending involving the Leon situation, adds a nice twist to the situation. Great work!

Drake Callahan v Dan Stokes

Last Match of the main card. Will do a seperate post on the Contract Battle Royale in a bit.

Dan Stokes
I liked this RP, straight to the point and nicely focused. My only criticism would be that the homeless man part took a little bit of momentum as it dragged on and I didn't like how the homeless man is asking not to be hurt and then stands face to face, I realise that he was provoked but I wouldn't think he would respond that way, but that is just my opinion. Other than that, a good RP!

Drake Callahan
Jeez, that sent a chill down my spine, that was really really creepy, only excellent writing and thought would lead to an RP like that. You've brilliant sold the drunken character and emphasis that it's bringing out the true side of you makes it more scary. You want something that's chilling but clever thinking - this is an RP that does that. Brilliant stuff!

Battle Royale Feedback in a tick

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Here's the first batch of feedback I'm doing. It's gonna be done in batches so I don't have to do it all at once.

James Baker: I like it. It goes into your history a little bit which I enjoyed reading. I like the suspense you got going with the mystery man you keep talking about in your RPs i can't wait to find out who that is. If I had to pick 1 thing negative to say about your RP it would be the "Street Talk you use in your RPs. I just don't like it. I know it's your character so this is just my opinion. All in all I would give your RP a 6/10.

USA: First thing I noticed, I can't really picture Becky driving a Hummer, riding in one sure but not driving one. Also like Lee said Becky isn't a ****e so that part doesn't make any sense. All in all I thought it was good except for the 2 things I already mentioned. I liked the the way you used Bakers RP against him. You get a 5/10.

These grades aren't official just my opinion.

Zander Young: You shouldn't use bright colors like Lime Green, It's hard to read, it hurts people's eyes and they will just skip over it, which in this case is not a good thing as John is an important part of this RP. besides that I enjoyed it, I know your still getting into the swing of things and this is a good start. I hope you use John in more RPs, I like they chemistry you two have. I'm gonna end with a word of caution for you. It's Perfectly OK to beat up people in your RP if you made them up, but if use one of the established interviewers you can't beat them up with out Creative's permission (Lee would be your best bet)

 

[Showtime]

Feedback, cause like VwH said, if we wait too long it'll never get done

Barker v USA

Barker
I know you said you weren't going to bitch and complain, which did make your next statement sound tougher, but in the end it was still bitching and complaining. I like your two guys mini feud you have going on, it's a complete opposite between you two in morals, and your both pursuing Becky (don't know if that's allowed, but it works cause your both doing it). You back up that you are a tough individual and that you will bring him a fight, but your attacks on him could've been better and your defense against his claims and your ideas of yourself could've been a little better. Not a complaint, but just a note, I counted at least 11 '&' symbols in your one paragraph. Perhaps a little different choice of word or splitting that up into 2 or 3 paragraphs and adding a little more text on them would make it sound less repetitive and give more emphasis on your piece. Otherwise, not bad.

USA

You did a very good job of using your opponents RP against him, well done. I liked this RP a little better than your last. Where as last time it was a little unclear if you were a face or heel, this time you really stood out as a face and all and all it was funnier piece, but still had some of the serious qualities your character has. The Becky acting like a ****e thing has been said so I won't comment on that. The writing was solid and aside from a couple of little errors (use of Becky mostly) it was a good RP

Vengeance v Drake Callahan v Daniel Stokes

Stokes
I like your character, he reminds me of Jericho, how he attacks thing. A good characteristic of heel motive is he must believe that he is right, no matter how ridiculous it may seem. You've got this down pretty well. Again you attacked your opponents addiction well, but what I would like to see was a little more emphasis on the match at hand and maybe Vengeance. I don't know if you guys have any history but anything about him would've helped your RP. It was short, which isn't always a bad thing, as you put over your character well as someone who should be hated. I liked it, but like I said, a little attention towards the match and your upcoming match with Vengeance at the PPV would've helped.

Trademark & Cougar v Ace David and Big Dave

Cougar (also mine)
Well unlike my last one, I don't thing I like this one. I don't know what it is and after posting it I just don't think it's good anymore. What I'm looking for is either reassurance that it is good, or advice on what I could've done to make it better (my idea is it should've been shorter, but I had a lot my character wanted to get off his chest)

 

[Lee]

Random point on multiple RPs...sometimes this works well where bioth people bounce off each other and produce really good RPs as a result of the last...take a look at Hasheem v Titus back in the day. However, if you're going to just do a little tiny RP time and time again in this, what's the point? We'd rather you did one cracking RP than three tiny ones that are lacking in quality.

Baker has the right idea with his, USA is sadly lacking in his latest RP.

 

[Gelgarin]

Well in the spirit of tit for tat, it's time the first batch of Gelgarin sponsored feedback.

Showtime.​

Liked: Writing, More Characterization. Most individual sections were very good.
Disliked: Way too long. Bloated. Too long. More words than necessary. Too long.

I think it was way too long. 3000 words is getting towards short story length, and for a single scene it's simply too much. If you were closing up a major feud for a big PPV match then the word count might be justified, but as it was, I really didn't feel that you had enough to say to justify a RP that long. You also run the risk of burning yourself out on context, but that's just a personal opinion, and irrelevant to the quality of the post.

I also found issue with the line;

And that is why I promise you that every night I will give you, the viewers, the most exciting and entertaining match of the night, I will give you everything the Show has to offer. You will see every ounce of sweat, every last drip of energy and determination that I have in me to be the best that I know I am...
​

Now I get what you were trying to do, and the juxtaposition is a neat idea, I just think you need a much stronger heel line to follow up, otherwise it doesn't work. If in the next paragraph you'd talked about something more brutal and dastardly than 'taking advantages' then it would have worked a lot better, but as it was, I found it read like a misplaced face line.

Now I always try to be negative, since positive feedback is no good to anybody, but I suppose I should quickly qualify: everything you wrote is really, really, good. The linguistics is fantastic, the characterization is smooth. Some depth is added to Showtime, which I believe is what I called for.

I just think that this RP was really lacking direction. I think you didn't know what you wanted to do (recant history, bury your opponents, build your team with TM or perpetuate a feud with me [if you want to take a chair to the back of my skull incidentally, I have no issues, just ask Lee ]) and so you tried to do everything. The result was a really bloated RP, that my eye was skipping paragraphs of in self defense. Your writings too good to waste it like that.

Still, A decent piece. Ratings as utterly asinine, so I won't bother. I'll just say that I admire your spirit and writing, but would admire both of them allot more if I could focus on them a little better.

Phoenix.​

Liked: Very Funny. Duel Production.
Disliked: Pushed the forth wall.

Given how much effort Showtime put into his RP, I felt bad for enjoying this. Nevertheless, I thought it was bloody funny, and a very novel way to counter such a long RP without making the readers eyes bleed.

I don't know how much you cooperated with the production, but I loved the fact that you were both there for this scene. It's a really effective device for tag-team role-plays, that makes you look much more like an actual team than two promos referencing one another would.

The only negative thing I can pick up on was your pushing of the forth wall. Little comments about props, whilst funny in their own right, bother me. Call it a self absorbed pet peeve, but I find the forth wall to be sacred (probably because I obsessively try to cut serious emotional role-plays). That's very much a personal issue though, so by no means feel inclined to punch through a window because of it.

As I said above, if I can't be negative then there's little to say. I don't have much to be critical about here. I thought it was very good. Well Done.

MDPUNK​

Likes: Duel Production. Research.
Disliked: Color scheme. Dialogue clashed.

The green font really doesn't work. Don't use it again.

I repeat what I said for Phoenix; I love the way you've written each others characters into your RP's. The only issue I have, and this does for both of you, is that stylistically the characters seemed to differ between role-plays. I read them individually, so it wasn't much of a problem, but if you're looking for an extended run as a team, then I'd advice cooperating further to try and nail down writing one another's cahricter.

Kudos for doing some research. Personally I haven’t done any (my characters supposed to by ignorant regarding the wrestling business, so it's a literary device... honest ) but I really appreciate it in other peoples role-plays.

The banter between that characters wasn't as good as in Phoenix's RP, but I think the fact that you decided to cut more of a serious promo helped your teams chances.

The writing still needs work, but it's much better than your first piece. Your definitely on the right track.

 

[Showtime]

more feedback...

Anoki vs Christiansen

Anoki
The thing I love most about your RP's is you have a very detailed story. You know exactly where you want to go with your RP's, and you have a clear understanding of your character and how he feels and why. I like how you've included in your last couple of RP's reactions from right after the match. This one showed that your character is growing and becoming stronger. He's hurt, but doesn't show it as much, he's becoming stronger and wiser with each match. You then showed in your interview with Klamour that your still young and unaware of what others say and you've built up that your interested in Becky.

While I did enjoy the piece and you continued to leave me wondering about what your next RP will be on, I will admit it was my least favourite of all your RP's (not a bad thing). Your character showed growth, you acknowledged that others are saying things about you without yet diving deep into your characters emotions, and made it aware your interest in Becky. As usual, nothing bad to say about your RP, writing was good and unlike me, you didn't over push it and reveal too much. You said what was needed and left it at that.

Christiansen
I'm curious about your characters growing sense of paranoia and what's in the brief case. Beyond holding my interest about the two things, which you did very well, it was a real basic RP. The writing is alright and the character interests me. Maybe it's the fact that I am impatient and want to know more right away, so I could only suggest a little more writing is needed. I tell you one thing, if you lose then I'm really looking forward to your next piece.

Red Mask vs Garth Black w/Phoenix

Red Mask
Well done research, I can only assumed you planned this using your previous RP's. If not and you merely stumbled upon these things than more congrats. Very well written, I enjoyed the entire piece. Perhaps the small perk of being one of the writers is you can put your character in more complex story lines like this one. I'm curious as to how it will all unfold.

Garth Black
I like the RP, good intensity in your character, good dialogue, and I liked the ending. I have no idea at all though if your character is a heel or a face, the line appears blurred to me as your character has jumped back and forth a bit. I like to think of him as a heel pretending to be a face at the moment, it amuses me the most. I like the writing and don't have much else to say.

Phoenix
I loved the anger in your character, that is his strength and you show it in him. Good writing and great intensity. You've regained trust in your former partner and I'm curious at how it will play out. Good intro, nothing really negative to speak of, god I'm awful at this critiquing crap. One minor reader note, I like to keep the actions colour separate from the dialogue colour. See that was the best I could come up with, it was a good RP.

More to come tomorrow...

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Here's some feedback for the RPs that are up so far.

James Baker: It's good. I like the addition of Malik Jones. I'm not big on length in RPs but for some reason yours always seem just a little bit to short but that's just me.

Ace David: I liked it, you hyped your match pretty good. I liked the way you got shots in on all your opponents even though there's 4 other teams. You used your partner to good advantage which added to the RP. Very good job.

Carmen: All I can say is Wow. It shows the Carmen is human and he has Demons in his past just like the rest of us do. I hope you go into more depths about the 'Dark Place' in future RPs I really do. Awesome Job.

Mine: I love it. What do you guys think?

 

[Phoenix]

First round of feedback for MD21 and Unscripted by me. Starting with my opponents for both matches (and because he asked) Showtime and TM:

Showtime:
Meltdown 21
The opening RP was great in itself, you held your own and managed to sell yourself great and I really liked this RP, I will be honest that when we were writing ours that we were striving to try and get a great RP to match it, it seriously was a really good one, just abit long winded. My main criticism was the second RP, purely because I felt it killed your momentum that the first RP built, the length of it also added extra problems because I got excited to start with, but then it went, you could tell that was my main criticism with my response RP in that tag bout, and I mean no offence into it because you’re a solid writer, just remember too much can kill you, and TM hadn’t even said his RP yet, don’t forget your partner.

Unscripted
I think this one was brilliant, this one shows that you have a future in the WZCW World Title picture. Purely because you took the criticism I placed in the RP and you used it to your advantage, this was what I loved about it, you continued on with the story of what occurred at Meltdown 21. One thing to love is continuity and you made it yours. This was an RP I really thought, damn, this kid is resilient and you were making a true rivalry out you, TM, myself & Ace. I will be honest, if your RPs continue like this, you’re on the way to the top, if there’s one thing I know to look out for it’s your RPs. My only criticism is where you had great focus on the rivalry, you left out the other teams, I know the focus was revenge, but you would want to send the message to the others to get out of your way.

TM
MD21
A pretty thorough and cocky-heel type RP, a good piece of writing, it sets up a good idea about what your character is like and I think his development will get interesting as it keeps going. I think the main thing that went against you Showtime’s RP, so that would be one to say talk to your partner about using RP space, ideally you want to nail it in one go, so aside from picking up from some dropped momentum, a decent RP. I spotted how you posted it so late, tried to avoid a response eh ;-) lol

Unscripted
One thing that went against you is the fact that the RP didn’t get posted due to outside issues, that is fair enough, but a perfect example of not letting it run too late. That aside, the RP was good and a nice response to MD21, but the thing it lacks is motivation, given this is a tag title match and you have a grudge with one of the teams, I couldn’t tell why wouldn’t be focused on the match or any of the opponents like the others were. This was more an RP for a Meltdown episode rather than a title match, I would say that for your next RPs, find your focus – one of them is going to be trying to impress myself and Ace to get a title shot.

 

[Phoenix]

Red Mask
MD21
The RP was great given this is the main story, I liked how you got the backstage crew involved because I think they told the story a lot better than having RM say it all himself. This kept me interested in the story and wondering where it’s going to go next. You what you needed to say out it, you have this match to take care of, clear your name and focus on the Elite X title in one go. Short, sweet, great!

Unscripted
We spoke about this and we know a few things happened to lead to the RP, but I’ll be fair and give a perspective view, knowing that it was abit on the rushed side. I think having Mask tell the story became too much for it all to take out, and where at MD21, you got what you needed to say in decent timing, it backfired this time. I think where the story has focus, it needed to be paced out. Other than that, you know and given yourself a honest criticism and I’m looking forward to your MD22 RP for where Titus is going to go from here, you can do it bud 


Garth Black
I’m going to do a general comment for both for this one. One thing that I really love about your RPs is the aggression and fire that Garth has, he has rage and is an animal waiting to be unleashed. He’s cocky and only wants to win, you got yourself a great heel image going, where the MD21 is about redemption against Red Mask for the Phoenix situation, I liked how you held off some of your heel antics to have a good reason for kicking the crap out of Red Mask. What I loved about your PPV RP was the using of Becca against herself, much like how Rock does with Coach, but in a much more heel way. This was an RP that got me looking forward to Phoenix’s because I seriously had a feeling you had one hand on the tag title belts with that one, and yes I am a nice guy! lol

Phoenix
MD21
Naturally, being stuck at ringside doesn’t help for RPing a match, but you got the motivation for this match perfectly, it was to keep the odds even and keep your eyes peeled on any suspicions with the match, the aggression and will for revenge is there. I’ll need to check on the last RP, but I saw this as a Tweener role for this one, but you showed respect to Garth and wanted revenge against Mask, either whether you’re Face or Heel, this showed that revenge takes that out and you got the role fitted out.

Unscripted
This RP was rather spooky and felt like one of Jeff Hardy’s promos when he started donning the face paint. This really captured the essence of the Phoenix character, dark, mysterious and a lot to learn. I really liked this because if it continues like this for RPs, could Phoenix be the next Sting? Potentially. It was a decent RP, but the ending made it looked rush, not a big criticism, but best to check the RP before posting, only because there was errors with information about your opponents and who they faced at the previous Meltdown. Other than, keep at it, I really want to see more of this as it works for your character.

 

[Phoenix]

Christiansen
MD21/Unscripted
The main problem I have with your RPs is that they’re too short. Where it’s nice you’re trying to make your RPs short and sweet, they lack depth. Where you have the interesting aspect about the briefcase, there wasn’t enough to back up a reason for me to think “What’s this case about? Is he in trouble?” I’d suggest trying to give a solid structure to your character, build up a background and sell it to me, because without this, I can’t get into him. For the PPV, you should have combined the posts together for one RP that’s in two parts. Reason being, when I saw the first one, I didn’t see what this is all about, something about failing and not being part of a gang, the way it was portrayed didn’t seem important for the match. You tried to redeem it with the second, but again, it was too short. You got a nice mention in for each opponents, but the focus was all over the place, should I be thinking about the briefcase or what you plan to do at the PPV? Best idea, look at Baker’s RP on why he tries to get me interested in the person on the phone, or the Red Mask/Titus story, sell this briefcase to me and you’ll get your depth.

Baker
MD21/Unscripted
Your RPs are decent for their length, where I criticised Christiansen for lacking depth, this shows how to give some depth to keep me interested, especially with the phone situation cause I was like, he got something up his sleeve? The best part about the RP is that you used the response RP to your advantage and this sells the attitude that Baker has about his opponents and that he’s done his survival and get on with it. It had fluency and you responded well to the criticism USA gave you. By the time we get to Unscripted, you continued your story and made it selling as you gave me a reason to think back to the phone conversations and give us a character with his agent, it makes me think that he will play key roles like how McKenzie does to Bratchny. Naturally you wrote your RP because the 5th team got announced, I don’t see that as problem, just always gotta beware when Vance Bateman is around….

PS – Interested to know what you have in mind with Becky!

Anoki
This is one RP series I love because I really get into the Anoki character and want to know more, this is one of the sellers. You tell a story about yourself and how you are on a spiritual journey through the WZCW, this is a character I could watch for hours if he was real because he gives me a reason to care about him. There’s very little to add comment or criticism because you nail the RPs every time. I liked the joint RP you did with USA at the PPV, I liked seeing the contrasts between you two and how you had little to say, but in a very big way. Love Anoki, love the RPs, keep them up!

USA
MD21
There was comment said about how multiple RPs can work or fail, unfortunately it didn’t work in your favour when against Baker on MD21. I liked the first RP as it was a good initial response and you made a mini feud going over the affection of Becky which would work in a further one on one development, you built yourself nicely and I thought a decent chance was there, but again, the second RP killed your momentum, it wasn’t needed, you got what you needed to say first time round, don’t feel forced to make a second RP unless you feel it is needed. The other situation, are you a face or a heel? You lost me again about if you’re a good guy or bad guy, leaning towards bad.

Unscripted
If I have to be honest, your character came off a lot better in the joint RP. This got me thinking that you’re a face again, it was realistic, your character had worries like a face, you showed a good alliance with Anoki and I do give kudos for the joint effort because it came well as a team. The solo RP wasn’t strong, it had potential, but provide much to go. Again, you confused me over if you’re a face or a heel, I would recommend sitting down and thinking about what your character has to say if he’s a good guy and what he says as a bad guy and what you feel sounds better for you, the perfect example for a full heel post is Sgt. Slaughter.

 

[Phoenix]

Ok, this is just a quick one having just seen Vengeance's RP for MD22 and OMFG that is scary - if WWE was watching, this is how Kane's promos should be. Brown trouser alert and everything! Brilliant and fooking scary!

 

[Father:_Polley]

I didn't think it was that scary. I've done darker personally, but it was different and I had fun writing it.

Ace - I have to say, the structure, the language was all there, but I think given it's a one-off match with someone you have no history with, you did I good job. That being said, Echelon is a very good RPer and I think you'll do well to beat him. However, you're doing a good job and seemed suitably proud of the title.

 

[Father:_Polley]

And just so he doesn't feel left out... Boz.

You have a way with words and story telling. I don't feel it's anywhere near your best work, but it was solid and acted as a filler to the feud which you thought was over. I don't know where you're headed with the Swindle angle, but you have me hooked.

 

[Ty Burna]

I'm a rookie here, but I have to say, that RP for Vengeance was freaking awesome. I think I know what I have to strive for quality wise. Anyway, anyone have some feedback for my RP for the Battle Royale?

 

[Pimpin]

This is my feedback for MD22 & the battle royal. I will comment on every RP(hopefully without falling back to sleep) except for mine.

Celeste Crimson vs Ace David

Wow this was a tough one to pick & I kept racking my brain on whose RP was better. Even though I liked both RP's a lot. I'm gonna choose Echlon's RP as the best(that was a hard one to choose). He came off like a good heel(not sure if your a heel or face) & that you wanted more after you defeated Will. My only complaint about your's is that you barely commented on your match against Ace, but the quality of your RP was great that I didn't really care enough about the lack of explaination on this match.

Vengeance vs Steamboat Ricky

Now this is by far my favorite RP so far out of everybody else's. I liked how your character was scaring the shit out of Becky. I feel that the psychotic gimmick fits your character nicely. I hope to see more great RP's like this from you in the future as I felt that this was a great RP.

Titus vs Bratchny

I thought both RP's were solid, but Titus gets the edge in this one. I liked how in Titus' RP that Klamor was playing the heel type character in saying that Titus is bad & a non trusting human being(that's basically what's said here) & Becky basically saying that Red Mask was a hero & how everybody loved him.

Battle Royal

Hiphopapotamus: I liked how you thought of having your guy just train for the match & getting himself motivated by acting like the punching bag are the opponents. My only thing about it is that your RP needs more depth in it but other than that it was a solid RP in my opinion.

Fratelli: Your guy has something to prove. I thought it was a great move to explain your history in the RP & talk about learning from your mistakes & saying that you won't fail again. It does seem like your character is either straight edge or just walking away from the past. Anyways good RP man.

Ty Burna: It seems like your character is psychotic(there ain't nothing wrong with having a psychotic character). I'm gonna take a guess & say that The Ouija is like an important chinese symbol for strength or something(I ain't trying to be offensive by saying that). I do however like your psychotic character as he doesn't give a fuck about anybody but himself. Anyways man good RP.

prim k dface: I like the heel type characters. Anyways your character claims that he(whoever the hell he is) unleashed untapped potential in you & has given you more power than he could control. I am very interested in seeing who he actually is.