RP Feedback Thread

[Father:_Polley]

As promised:
TM/Cougar vs Young/Smith
ZY: Conversationally, it was outstanding, you set the scene well and kept it light, think the interview itself was a little forced, but a solid job.
Showtime: That was a savage rendition of your views on the title situation... and i approve of it. You lost, you might as well embrace the moment and dismiss it as unimportant. Not making friends on the backstage team anyway! Part 2 - Flirty with the heel interviewer... in this situation since you'd been rude to Becky, it made sense I guess. Like the references and the slow starter analogy (I hate Seinfeld). A very impressive RP though on the whole. Few tweeks, but nothing major needed.
Frankie: You addressed everything you needed, namely the awkward situation with your partner, got a good TV reference in and related the reference to how you feel the situation will play out. You did it all, just flesh it out a little more. I think sometimes the interviewer can make it awkward, so try one just by yourself, no-one to interject, just you and camera.
TM: Needs improvement...

Main Event Tag
That Vengeance guy rocks...

Carmen
I feel it advanced the Swindle story nicely and showed Carmen's human side. It's weakness was a mere passing nod to the match at hand and after that. The story advanced, but it barely did anything to advance the storyline you find yourself in with Ricky and Everest.
Ricky
I'm a big fan of your work, you manage to make the pirate angle funny and unique with the health food shop. Again, barely mentioned the situation with Carmen and Everest, and ended as though more was to follow but didn't.
Everest
Ya no-showed son.

Burna vs Anoki
Burna
Again, it's hard to pull off the menace needed for your character and I feel you did an admirable job on it. Gotta ask though... was the Reaper reference intentional? Because if so, he'd be good for you provided he stays around. If you need a partner against him though, I think I'd be able to oblige...
Anoki
As alway, enigmatic at first. Well written piece, helps advance your own storyline. I liked seeing Becky in a human light, and watching the relationship between you. I can't think how else to sum it up, but it works, even if it's confusing at times...
Both very good RPs... tough to call

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Finally I got around to start some feedback. This is my 1st shot giving some feedback, but hopefully I'll become a regular in providing feedback for the majority of RPers.


Vengence vs. Titus
Vengence: Since I've only been in WZCW for almost a month, I'm not caught up to date of everything that your RP touched upon. I don't know who Eric Derf is, I don't know who the Disasterpiece was or what unfolded between you. Now, I don't expect you to do a recap at all, I'm just stating that my feedback will affect my lack of knowledge in your character.

You're character is dark! Alot of people try to pull off a 'dark' character and it never works. You complete it perfectly. The way you carefully select each word, just soaks your character in physcology. Its like a ministry undertaker promo. Very well done. While I'm not up to date with Vengence, this new character that you have developed is very intriguing and makes me want to stay current on your future RPs. Well done.

Everest vs Ricky vs Bratchny
Bratchny: Again, being new to WZCW, I am not firmilular with Bratchny's past and time here in WZCW. All I know about Swindle now is that he is in a coma in a hospital. Assuming Swindle has been in all of your past RPs, I think introducting Karen is a nice way to keep it fresh. It offers new perspectives.

Excellent read. I'm a big fan of how you have created a complete storyline for your characters and all of your RPs are not only against your opponent, but are directly based off of this story.

The only thing I would have changed, is I would of had the line "Steamboat's biggest weakness...is that he'll be in the ring with me." at the very end. Such a powerful line that might get buried within everything else that is going on. Maybe Karen gives him the books etc, and as she is leaving, he tells her Ricky's biggest weakness.

Open Contract Battle Royal...or as I like to call it "15 minutes to fame"
Blade: I found your RP to be slightly confusing as it was difficult to determine what 'side' is your character on. One second he would be making a face comment, and then a heel comment. I think that if you established one or the other, and then focused on it, rather than flip flopping around, it would come acrossed much better.

Also, it sounded like a Rush RP. Talking about your destiny and fate and how you make your own. And then you talk about not starting at the top of the roster. You'll work your way up untill you get there. Thats echoes of Rush's first promo. Maybe its just coincidence though.

Mr. Baller: I don't know if you were pressed for time to get this RP done and posted, but if you were, you should've waited until you had more time. Take time to format your RP. Space out your paragraphs with a line in between. Add colour to clearly identify who is talking and when. It was also very short and unfortunatly, extremely generic. There is nothing that seperates you from anyone else. You're the generic heel, getting heat by insulting those around you and being overthetop cocky character. Try to add some depth to your character. Talk about your background and what brought you to WZCW etc. Very generic.


Thats all for now. Hopefully I will be able to continue this trend of posting feedback.

 

[NSL]

I know I'm new to this, but I can't expect feedback, if I don't give a little. Just take what I say with a grain of salt:

Baller...Infamous...You guys need to format a bit better, and double check grammar and spelling before you post. Word usage can be a bit better from what I've seen. The content is good, but it looks bad, which ruins the appeal and effect of it.

Blade...I like the formatting, and everything is put together well. You wrote a really good hell promo, and I look forward to hopefully working with/against you in the future.

 

[Pimpin]

Time to get up off my ass & do some feedback. This batch of feedback is strictly for the Contract Battle Royal as they need the feedback more than I do. Hopefully I can do some feedback on other matches when I get the chance.

Blade: I thought your RP was put together well. It was a good heel promo & it also stayed on topic as well. Good stuff.

Mr. Baller: The format of your RP needs a bit of an improvement as you should space out your paragraph with a line inbetween. I also thought that the content was rather bland as it's basically a generic heel promo. If you get a chance to do another RP, just try to add some depth into your character by talking about your characters background & etc. Generic & bad formating, but you can improve with time.

Infamous: I liked the format of your RP, but you need to double check your grammar & spelling before you post. The content of your RP was good. Just do the improvements that I or other people will comment on & you'll be ok. Not a bad RP, but needs some improvement.

Trevor Steel: I liked your RP. The format was good, the quality was good & it was a good read. I liked how you explained your background & how loud music helps you relax & get ready for the matchup. I also liked how you listed examples of other key figures in WZCW on how they go out their, bust their ass & win gold. I see big things happenin for your character.

Rafael: Good RP. I liked how your character is all cocky & conceited(however the hell you spell that) & those two qualities helped make your RP really good. The format of the RP was good, the quality of it was good & it was a good read.

I'll do feedback on the other RP's later when I get the chance.

 

[Lee]

Blade this was spot on, you could tell the effort that went into this, good play

Baller & Infamous It seemed very rushed, the gramamr and spelling was a bit all over the place. Content wise was ok for your first RP, there's always room for improvenment, heck just check my first ever one in WZCW!

NSL & Veng...I've told you guys on MSN.

Marquis erm what's the deal with the belt? If you're going to bring a belt in, you not think of checking with creative first? I liked it, it was a decent rp, aside from the belt thing, there was just the cameraman comment that annoyed me...when I read that I thought yeh I know, I don't need someone to tell me he's a an ass!

Pimpin/Bratchny to follow.

 

[NSL]

Anoki - I definitely loved the RP. I know I'm new, but it doesn't take a genius to know that you put a lot of work into that. It started a little slow for me (not knowing much WZCW history), but it was still a solid read, and gave a lot of insight.

 

[Dave]

Since you guys are new, I am going to feedback the Contract Battle Royal for the time being. Starting with:

Blade: I really like it. I think it was eloquent and very self assured. You seem to have a lot of confidence in your writing and I think that you have done well. It is aesthetically very good and the content is very good. It was funny in parts and serious in others. It had a good mix of what is needed to expand your character's horizons and be successful. A really good first attempt.

jcmbball9: It was decent. I liked it but there just isn't enough in it. I think you could have done more to help us get an idea of what your character is like. Where he came from, what his motivation is etc. All you have done is shown us that you are cocky. But, Hell, half of the people on here are cocky. Try expanding your RP's a little more and allow some of you character to show through a little more and you've got it.

Infamous_Eric: You know, I actually like this RP. There is a couple of problems with it though. One problem is that some of you're spelling and grammar is pretty bad at times. I'm a stickler for good grammar etc. Anyway, this is easily fixed and I don't see it being a problem really. The second problem is, like jcmbball9's RP, it is a little short. Of course quantity is not everything but the more you write, the more we can get to grips with your character. I thought it was written well and it is very self-depriving, which is a little bit different. Good RP but needs a little bit of work.

NSL: Great RP. Enough said really.

Raiden: I really liked it. I also really like your character. I think that you have a lot of scope for future RP's and it's very important that you have this. Mainly because you will get writer's block after a few RP's if you don't. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. I like this RP. It gives us an idea of things to come and I look forward to seeing what else you have got. The only thing I would say is not to write it in that silvery colour. It's not a huge problem but I think it just makes it a little harder to read, somewhat like the lime green one.

LJL: I liked it. It is very different. It is unique and I think that you can do a lot with it. It was a good length and I think it gave us a good idea of what your character is like. Good work.

 

[Lee]

Gelgarin...Are you and Becky married? I don't get what's going on with this very weird relationship.

Also you missed some formatting.

WHilst the content was good, and quite well written it just didn't keep me engaged in it.

Good RP though

 

[Father:_Polley]

Lee: 1st off... Time to Say Goodbye is sung in Italian, Vengeance, Keystone...
2nd - That RP is quite possibly the best you've done since you're return. It shows that the showman, the actor is gone and Earl has faced up to his Karmaic destiny. Too bad Karma's going to involve having his ass handed to him. You've been great to work with though

 

[Lee]

Lee: 1st off... Time to Say Goodbye is sung in Italian, Vengeance, Keystone...
2nd - That RP is quite possibly the best you've done since you're return. It shows that the showman, the actor is gone and Earl has faced up to his Karmaic destiny. Too bad Karma's going to involve having his ass handed to him. You've been great to work with though

First off Polley, shut the hell up.

FHDs This was the way a tag team should RP, you work so well as a team and its evident.

Thriller This is honestly one of my favourite RPs i've seen in recent time, and definitely the best one by you. I loved it, it had me engaged, it explained your story great work.

Black Again really well written, and it flowed so nice.

The problem I have here is you have two very good RPs on the individual level, and three on the team level. What a dilemma.

More feedback to follow.

 

[Showtime]

Since I didn't give any feedback last week, I'll try to give everyone feedback this time. For the millionth time in the past few months, the contract battle royale.

Blade
You ride the line between face and heel well. I admit there are times that it doesn't go together entirely smoothly, but you've got a fairly good handle on it. A rebel without a cause, except you do have a cause, the WZCW title. The writing is very good and the interview segment was well done. What I like and at the same time also don't like, is you act as if you don't care and then you drop hidden hints that maybe you do, but I like it more. He's cocky, a badass, joe cool without being cool. You got yourself an interesting character. The part where he was startled by Becky was an interesting tibit and I look forward to see if it connects with your character in future RP's or if it was just a random bit.

Baller
Very short and really doesn't explain much about your character or the match. Yes I understand Blade posted first and you attacked him well, but there will be others in the match, something you left out. As stated it was very generic, plain, nothing about it stood out much. The grammar is fine, but more content is definitely needed.

Infamous
I noticed a fair amount of spelling and grammatical errors (most noticeably a lack of apostrophes and capitals where there shouldn't be) This does take away from the writing and is something you should work on in future RP's.
On to the writing, it was fairly well written, a little on the shorter side but you used what you did to talk about your character well. One thing I noticed is you sounded very much like a heel to start and then suddenly you were this over face for talking down the Man. If you've been screwed by other companies before I expect you'll come up with more of a plan or direction about how you'll do it this time in your future RP's as opposed to the failed other attempts. Not bad work.

Trevor Steel
I love the cheap shot about Infamous to start the RP. The writing was terrific and the story you presented flowed well throughout the whole RP. You give us wonderful details about your character, what's on his mind, why he's in WZCW, and how determined he is. Excellent nod to the current champions as it shows your determined to follow just like them, which in today's society it's hard, especially given that you don't have the look of a champion. I really like your character and don't have much to say negatively about your RP. From the heavy metal music, to Johnny and Stacy to the thumbtacks at the end, it was a great RP.

Rafael
It was a good introduction RP, short and informative. Your character has a very high opinion of himself and it works well. He's more than a touch annoyed with having to share space with the bottom rung, but we see it's alright as long as he get's to face the elite of WZCW (most of which are in creative so good suck up move, lol) The belt thing was a bit peculiar and if Lee let's you I hope you can explain more about it, perhaps its history, how you came to hold it, and what you've done to retain it. Your writing's good, a few hiccups here and there, but nothing to serious nicely done.

Excellency
It was really quite well done. You've brought an interesting character to the table. You got morals and beliefs, something most here don't have. You've also establish a great pressure over you, even if you aren't phased by it. That being your friends attempt to wrestle and his paralyzed state now. I'm really looking forward to future RP's and seeing where you will go next with him. The writing was very well done. Great work.

Marcus Chambers
Interesting piece to say the least. The black leaders you mention paint a pretty picture quickly as to who you are and the type of character you are. You appear humble when you speak of them, but then quickly turn up the cockiness and explain how you are better than the rest. You did a very good job quickly summing up your opponents and using what they've put in their RP's against them so good work there. The last paragraph made me laugh, bringing up the many stereotypes and gimmicks we've seen in the big wwe and how you will not stoop to that level (should've put in Koko B Ware one too). All in all it was a good and enjoyable read.

Note to all: There is an almost excessive use of 'legacy', 'destiny' and other like words in your RP's. Try pulling out the old thesaurus and expanding on other ideas. You'll find you guys won't all get what you want if your all going after destiny and the same things.

 

[Phoenix]

Right going to start on some feedback with the Battle Royale. I have about an hour before going off to Harry Potter, so I will give as much as I can.

Blade
I liked this RP, as with a first RP, you test the waters for a reaction, but you provide this reaction from the crowd to back up what you're aiming for. As Showtime says, you're fitting in a tweener position, meaning we could see you go either way, but leaning towards a heel. I like that your focus is to become the World Champion and that you'll do what it takes to get there. Your character is one that really interests me and I look forward to seeing more of RPs in the future. Aside from some minor smoothing out which will come as you progress here, this is really good work, well done!

Mr. Baller
It was too short and very little is given away, I liked how you could develop a feud with Blade after the battle royale, but first rule of a multi-man match, don't forget to include everyone, don't isolate. It was good heel work, but all I learn about you is that you're from Miami and you're a heel. I need to see more from you as you need to establish yourself. More detail needed but promising for a first time RP.

Infamous
First advice I'll give, save the black font colour for actions and description, I know it goes well with red and suits your character, but I see so many people using black and bold for action, you don't have to listen, but just a tip to share. Many have mentioned spelling & grammar, but going to spare that here. It was a good version of a short RP, again not too much established but you gave enough to provide a backbone to your character, for some reason I feel like he's an Ulitmate Warrior, rushing with his words, pumped with energy. The focus on the match was good and I can see you want to save abit more about you later on, I do expect to see that, but otherwise nicely put together.

Trevor Steel
Firstly, bonus points for giving my tag team that nice little honour there lol. And hoorah, a face in the woods! I know writing face RPs can be tough cause you have to be the good guy but I loved this RPs, the energy, the charisma, the respect, this was a great piece of RP work! You've established yourself greatly and shown us some determination, you're a person going to go for it and you respect who you will have to face along the way. I like Trevour and I like that he's different, similiar to a Mick Foley attitude with being nice but darn right crazy with his methods. Great RP and I look forward to seeing more.

Rafael
The first thing I want to point is the formatting, the grey/silver font is never a great one to use (bit bland in my opinion) and because you have your actions in Italics, you don't need to stars at the start, minor buggings of mine if anything. I took a liking to this RP, you recongise that your character is a high class type of heel, all for one and nothing for all. You definitely bring some interesting points, again there's talk of legacy, but you provide a good backing with your belt that you brought along. My only worry about that is with the EurAsian championship just being added, we'll have 5 belts and we don't want to overstock on them, but lets see what Creative say.

It was short and sweet, but as you've RPed before, you've got some experience and makes me want to go back to your previous ones to find out more, nice and informative. Hopefully we'll see more of Rafael soon.

Excellency
Another interesting face/tweener character and your agenda is not about World Titles, it's something new and unique which is always good here. What I liked is how your focus is going on about seeking justice for your paralysed friend, I say justice because I don't think revenge suits a character with your morals and religious background. I also think that we need character who has a religious good side to him after seeing Vengeance now changing out of his darkness, this could be a version of him in the light. I like it because it's something new to the mix and I look forward to seeing more, the right amount was said it was good, great stuff.

Chambers
A strong good piece from you here, you're definitely a heel that like some of the guys on here, benefits from responding to the other RPs, taking them and making it into your strength. I thought your background was pretty interesting and how your character has dealt with rascism and seen it as a strength within, naming true factors about life today with the fastest and strongest people in the world.

Like Showtime, I liked how you referenced the stereotypes and current stars out there and how you will be different. I think your character will be an interesting one to follow, you're not afraid to speak your mind and I certainly like how you've made the race issue a strength as opposed to a belittlement. Great work.

More to come

 

[Phoenix]

Right, more feedback, going to start with the non-title matches first

Rush vs. Baker

Baker
I'm please to have read this RP, you have toned the approach down, especially after the shocking RP from MD25, well done there. I liked this RP because it got straight to the point, I like the interaction with Mallik and Baker, they do work well and I like that you showed why this is a grudge match, you reminded us of your actions and I liked the reminders to show dangerous you are. You have proven to write a great RP without the excessive violence, nicely put together, well done.

Rush
I liked this, I liked this alot. We got to see a third person perspective of your character (and Vance) and this was nicely done. I liked how you tried to get in Vance's mind and recognising the stresses he carries, really good perspective given we see Vance in certain formats. What I liked about this is accepting and moving on, you accepted that you missed an RP deadline and you dealt with it, it was a mature approach I must say, really good to recognise that when most RPs after a no show usually just go on ignoring that matter.

You attacked Baker in a good way and it really provides a nice positive energy about it, you weren't doing this for yourself but for Vance & the crowd. In short this is a great piece by you and a new unique perspective to view your character, great work!

Anoki vs. Showtime - EurAsian No. 1 Contender's Match

Anoki
I really don't know what to make with this unfortunately. I think the first issue I have is how Becky is suddenly so close to you, I think you could have eased her role back abit, this sequence could have been easily done without her, I just feel like she doesn't fit in with this scene.

The other issue is that the starting point is good with the Meltdown 25 situation, but there's no focus on your next match, you got what you had to say about the match Ty in good fashion, but it just seems that this is unnecessary. We learn alot more about your character but that's all we know, I just don't this benefits you when you could have paced out this backstory telling and put more focus on the match, especially when Showtime is a person that I know can attack well in his RPs.

It was too long as well, there was no benefits to you except telling us something more about your past. You've done some amazing RPs in the past and I know you can do better, I think this would have suits more as a segment during Meltdown, but not as a contesting RP. Sorry to be cruel but your other RPs are much better.

Showtime
Another great RP piece from the Show! My main issue was that it was a little bit on the long side, you could have easily cut out the last paragraph and it would still say the same message and be great. I like this because you've made more than contesting for a chance to get the title you've craved for since the tournament began, you've made it a grudge match because you still hold that grudge of not getting the contract your main issue and you played this out well. I like how this is a chance to get payback and how this means to you in all forms. Great piece but just needs to cut down abit.

Mayhem Title - Milenko vs. Callahan

Milenko
It took me a couple of attempts to get into the multiple personality stance but it made sense after each read. I liked how you played how paranoid you are with the possibility of losing the match and how you've been on a losing streak since Unscripted and then changing views with finding another source within you with your other personality. It was nicely done and you got the main message clear across and also informing how the match is done. It was a good rp, abit short and feels like it's missing something, it might because this new aspect of the multiple personalities being used, but otherwise a good rp.

Callahan
I should be commenting on this later as you did the EurAsian title first, but I loved this piece, you got another great comedy piece going and I liked how changed it to Stacey to show a different interaction and approach with her taking a drink and being called Becky but it didn't feel like Stacey was heel until the end, it just seemed like Becky in a different set of shoes and that's what I think only let you down, this is a great piece no doubt as this forumla has been a success for you, but I didn't think you got Stacey's approach right with the exception of two moments. But otherwise great work

Callahan vs. Ty Burna - EurAsian Championship

Callahan
This was the better of your two RPs and again we return to the dark side of the alcoholic, the focus is definitely to win this belt for sure, but damn you made it apparent. This was dark and sinister and the use of tarot cards added to the factor of trying to get inside Ty's head. Given you both are going to the darkside in this, you've really challenged Ty on his own playing field and I loved this piece.

I look forward to seeing more of where Drake is going, especially if the dark side is taking over and disappearing in different occasions. This definitely adds more to your other RP and I recommend people to read this before the other because they both work together (and in order). Great stuff.

Ty Burna
1st part - I've always loved reading your RPs since coming here, they continue to get better and better and this one is no different. A brilliant piece, you attack Callahan, and your victims and the title is definitely going to be a grudge match given you two have only met in this match. Really brilliant piece and I like how you can do RPs as the first guy when I know you're great at proving a reaction point to your opponents. Great work.

2nd part - I think this is a case where I like the intention to respond to Callahan, but it might have not been needed, where you played great with RP in response to Callahan, this would have served better had you merged this with the first part and been your response. I just think that it conflicts with your first RP, both are great no doubt, but two great things can made a bad conflct as they have a similiar agenda in mind. I think that you hit ground with both RPs, but you just needed the one to do the job.

Both are great for a start and response RP, but just one was needed if I have to be honest.

 

[Phoenix]

Titus vs. Vengeance (or soon to be formerly known as Vengeance - Elite X Title)

The best feud in the WZCW atm is coming full circle at Civil Revolution, so you know the RPs here are promising already.

Vengeance
Once again, this was brilliant, I'm really sad that this was Vengeance coming to an end but you're setting up the stage for where he's going next and boy you've got me excited! The use of the music adds a romantic yet creepy factor to the RP but this is proving that Vengeance is ascending to the next level. Really brilliantly done and not a flaw I could put with it.

Titus
This is one of your best pieces because not only have you come full circle with Vengeance, you've come full circle with Titus' story from his debut to Red Mask and beyond. The flow of this is brilliant and the history is played out to make this match worthwhile one. Again no flaws here and this was a perfect piece to end the best feud going on atm.

I can't truly decide on a winner on this one!

FHD vs. Black/Phoenix - Tag Team Title

You rarely see me comment on my own matches (I think) but this was needed.

FHD
I think in my opinion, this is the best tag team RP that myself and hardymark have done, it may have been a three parter but it flows just right and the part I like the most is how we put our partners over in our RPs and then put the team over in the final part. Really happy with this one.

Phoenix
This was purely brilliant, I think out of the stuff you've written, you done some amazing RPs but this is again another best one done. You were right to experiment with this RP, you wrote it so well. It felt like reading poetry, the focus being on your past and on the match. I've certainly loved how this has been a journey for you and you're getting closer to reaching the things you want. You quite possibly put the best ever line I've read in an RP with "I’ve already beaten death, what do they have that’s more powerful than that?" this sums up your character and RP at the same and it was brilliant.

Garth Black
Well it's another RP that makes me laugh. What I liked about this is how you've taken the chicken fest from our match and put it into great context, you've managed to place the focus greatly on the match and the rivalry we have going. You attacked myself and Ace in great context and it was another classic piece by you. This feud you have with Becky is nice and refreshing as well given she's the most used interviewer on the roster, great stuff!

I think the only thing I'd like to see more from you two is more team based RPs. You both do brilliant individual RPs no doubt, but there's little on you as a team except the prospect of the Second Coming (which I like). I would like to see more of you two mixing it up as you've both proven great as individuals and as an alliance, but I'd love to see what you two can do together. I also think that no matter what, this feud isn't over yet.

Ricky, Everest, Bratchny - World Heavyweight Championship

Bratchny
I have loved how your character has come about with this Swindle story to keep you going. I do find how Karen is quite the trainer to match his attitude with training you and I liked how she eyes up on weaknesses in your opponent. Your character has developed greatly since losing the Elite X title and you continue to draw strength as you go into the Main Event scene. I like how there is doubt within Bratchny that he can achieve this without Swindle and I do agree Swindle does play a big role here, so coping without him has been a great success to you. Nice good emotion play with the diary, great RP.

Everest
Wow! From going to the Face of the company and the slow development into a heel, you've nailed it. I like the unique factor of the autograph signing and the trust frustration that Everest has without his World Title belt. This is definitely a brilliant piece and you've evolved the heel side of Everest to a T, you've not rushed it, you paced it out and you've made it yours. I think this is one of your best RPs, if this is what the heel Everest is going to be like in his RPs, then bring on the rest!

Ricky
First thing, the PPV is Civil Revolution, unless you were intending it to be Unscripted but I think it was an error there. Aside from that I really had trouble getting into this. I liked the concept of Timmy the boy and seeing you from another perspective, but I felt it didn't do much to enhance Ricky or add more to you as a World Champion who's going into a big match. I know it's been hard to match that brilliant piece from Unscripted but this wasn't a strong piece, it was just missing something. A nice format and put together with good thought, but just needed that something extra.

 

[Father:_Polley]

Development guys - you're new, you get a bye on the Feedback rule:

Blade - Used the crowd well, insulted them and played up to them. It was good, arrogant, but a lot of guys come in and claim they'll be top, you need to be better than them, or you need an angle.

Mr. Baller - I see where you were aiming for, but I think Blade pulled it off better. Good reference to Blade and I think you summed up what Becky's attitude would be. But I think if you want to improve, you need to evolve from 'I'm bad-ass, I'm the best'. It's too common and you need a new approach I feel. Though I feel that ignoring the others was necessary unlike Phoenix, purely because he didn't know who they were...

Infamous - I like it. You make it plain you're not a rookie, you've been around, you think the other guys are beneath you and that you can use experience to get through. You made it funny with JK's quip about your drifting, and used that to portray the emotion you wanted to convey. Work on it but it was good.

Steel - you started with a shot at Infamous and used interaction between two heel announcers well. Yet you site Titus as the example to follow?!? Dude, you lost me with that. Lol. No, it set you up to show your goal... gold at all cost. You want to succeed and make it to prove you can be a success. Good job NSL. Expect more from you next time...

Rafael - This guy said I was a fine talent... he's in. A better job than Baller with the arrogant SOB routine. Gave yourself a reason to be arrogant as an Indy legend as opposed to a street fighter. The word legacy became laboured, but a solid RP.

Excellency - Odd using a priest, but I can relate I guess. The back story was nice, but the dialogue seemed very formal. It's understandable I guess given the priest, but if they're good friends, they can relax a bit more. Nice RP with a story to it.

Chambers - I didn't like your Sample RP...but I'm realising that's because you touched on a subject that I don't like... namely the race card. And I must say I applaud you for actually being very good at using it. Just don't rely on it too much is all I'll say, otherwise you become a whiny bitch, regardless of race. You addressed the stereotypes in wrestling well and it was a good RP. You've made your character seem genuine

 

[Showtime]

I'm going to try and do some quick feedback. If anyone specifically wants feedback just PM me.

Blade
Good RP. The beginning 'what town' thing seemed unnecessary. Something I like about your RP's is how you include crowd reactions (funny, considering your character isn't supposed to care about them) The pace of the interview was good. Liked how you brought up new generation, gave you something to write about and reason that you'll beat Celeste instead of having to make up history about your character. You got a strong character developing here.

Celeste
Love the character description and thoughts. It really adds more to the RP to know exactly what the character is thinking. If this were a dirty e-fed, I'd put money down on Celeste and Becky sharing an intimate moment (but back to reality) Liked how Becky was upset about interviewing Celeste and Celeste happy because Becky is quick. Good job countering your opponents claim and pushing yourself as wanting to be hated and wanting the fans to see you lose and disappointing them every time.

Karnage
on the bizarre richter scale this reads about 8 (Murfishes included). Formatting was very neat and well done. The descriptive breaks were also very well done. We've seen your character evolve from a tough guy to a momma's boy, but the story you've presented does leave me wanting to read more so well done. Like the constant wrong names you gave Sherry and mom does a very good supporting role providing you with funny things to say and do. Geart work, keep going with the story. Can't wait to see it develop.

Murfish
What is it with getting everyone's name wrong. Not sure if it was to poke fun at your opponent, if so great job. You responded well to your opponents remarks and used them for your own humour and to push your character. Whenever I read yours I imagine Fear and Loathing and take it for whatever drug induced trip this guy must be doing, so whether it's serious or even remotely about your match or not, I don't care I take it for the writing and the humour. It's great work, but at times leaves it very unfocused. I liked the dog, it added that your a thoughtless person, and it made me laugh. What did u do to the dog, I don't want to know. Good RP.

 

[Showtime]

Frankie Smith

Formatting looks much better than your first RP's. Personally I'd still like to see you put spaces after comma's and periods, but you seem to be using less of them so it makes up for it. It was a much easier read than normal. Good work defending yourself from your last match and attacking your opponents (namely me), it's good to set up future feuds. Although I don't understand why you would want thanks for losing and then blaming it all on Zander, but it does show how angry you are and that you feel you are better. As always, you fueled this one with a lot of aggression and drinking, I like the bar settings. I also like how your not afraid to put yourself down, like with that fan who didn't know you. Anyway, stuff I'm not in favor for are the two random friends who decked that one random and then you pouring the beer on him. Sure it shows your bad, but those two aren't going to be at ringside to do your dirty work. Your trying to be aggressive, but then you end up looking like Giamatti from Shoot'em Up, a pussy with a gun in his hand. Still, very good RP.

Zander

Really long and seemingly irrelevant at times. While it is a decent running joke, I don't get the whole PSP thing. This is a building RP, which is good if your building a rivalry, but this is your second match against him and fourth match you've RP'd along side him. This should be your rubber match to break off and go in different directions after. Anyway, the contract you signed was interesting and I assume we'll learn more soon. Between that and the bar scene was good dialogue and explained a bit more about your character, but seemed unnecessary and unrelated to the match at hand. Your interview with Becky was short, but finally to the point. You did a good job, but I would've added another paragraph to that section and ditched about 2 or 3 from the section before. I like the sucker punch you took from Frankie, but you missed the ball here. You should've gotten back up and trash talked him back, stuff like "you won't be able to sucker punch me in the ring, and that's where I'll get you, 1, 2, 3, all over again" Something. Instead you took the punch and that was really the end of it. Like I said to Frankie, you guys have been feuding for over a month now. Both of these should've been way more personal. Writing was strong, focus was missing for the most part. I look forward to the next one and the continuation of what you have going on.

 

[The Prototype]

Please feedback the contract battle royal because I would like to know ways of how I can improve my promos. Next MD/AS I will post some feedback (if I get a contract) but I don't have enough time on my hands to post any now. Anyway please post some battle royal feedback.

 

[Lee]

exactly, if you're going to ask for some, you should post some. Perfect logic.

 

[The Prototype]

Ok. Her is some feedback for Karnage vs. Murfish

Thunderball- Hilarious promo, making fun of Stacey the entire time. You kept it funny the entire time, even as Stacey blew up at you. But there is one thing that bothered me though. Between this promo and your last, you had a huge personality change. You went from a very focused fighting machine to a happy go lucky funny guy who wants everyone to like him. I assume its because of the no more tweeners rule, but the personality changed drastically. But you made it work because of the instability of Karnage, having his mom talk to him even though she is dead. I guess that Karnage has something mentally wrong with him, which makes a good promo. Good job.

Murfish- Another very funny promo. It seems like Murfish was on something during his promo. Having a conversation with a dog and screwing up everybody's name during the promo indicated that. And you dissed Karnage pretty good. A nice funny little promo, but Karnage beat you out. Just barely though. I am looking forward to this match.

 

[Lee]

Cougar

WOW a fantastic RP indeed, you had everything here, you had the raw emotion, you had about the PPV and you talked about your match whilst totally destroying your opponent. Great work. Two minor things that annoyed me is A) flirting with stacey....it's a bit annoying reading every RP where every guy decides to flirt with the female interviewers. B) it's Kensworth not Kentsworth. But allround a brilliant RP, seems a very very hard one to beat.

Mr Baller

First off I love your enthusiasm for the fed, it is great stuff. Now onto business, as an RPer you can tell you're improving, keep going as improvement always helps!

Now the RP itself, I liked how you cut Becky off as though to say what's the point? I know why you're here...I liked that. What I didn't like is the talking down of Celeste because Celeste is a female, it seems like that's been done in most RP's against her and it's pretty generic. She has beaten some of this best in the fed history and would easily be a champion but she doesn't want gold. Try and concentrate on your opponent at hand rather than Blade.

But yeh keep up the improvements, try and get a strategy...for example I always have three main points I want to say, I then break it down from there as I find it easier to write.

 

[NSL]

Mr. Baller - I like that you're improving from week to week. I know I'm still fairly new myself, but I can see that you're putting a lot of work into the character. If I can suggest anything, it's to try and mix up who you work with every week. Becky is used a lot, and eventually you'll be limited on what you can say or do with her. It's not a rule or anything, just a matter of personal opinion.

Showtime - Solid RP for the character. It definitely shows you as the bad-ass all-me kind of guy, and as a hardcore fan, I like how you transitioned yourself into that style. It's a time tested method, and it never fails. Playing off Milenko's losing streak was great, as was the use of the dummy to portray him. A midget may have worked better, but we've all seen that before. The only thing I can suggest, is a little less flirting with the interviewers. Maybe add in a female fan that happens to be nearby, so you can keep that part of Showtime, without losing a step in the RP.

 

[Showtime]

Mr. Baller

An improved effort by you, albeit one that still follows the similar template you used in your last one. I was critical of your last one as I felt you stole NSL's idea with load music from his previous one, but this one was all your own. I like how pushed your current building rivalry with Blade. It is a good way to guarantee matches and that you'll be in the mix. By interfering you ruined Blade's big debut, making him seem less for beating Celeste. Now you'll get a match with him soon. You posed yourself as an even threat and now you have to do what he's done and beat Celeste. Trouble is that is where you lacked in your RP. It's always important to create continuity and build storylines but there should always be a strong focus on the present. I would've recomended to you looking at the history of Celeste as you'll find most who take the overly confident 'she's a women' approach end up losing. Your character appeared all talk with nothing to back it up. You seriously underlooked her and backed no reasons for it. You must not only be confiednt, but sure of yourself. Your confidence is good, reminds me of a young me, but you must build on your craft, assess the situation (match at hand) and stand out in some way. The cocky confident character grows old fast. Solid improvement.

Trevor Steel

I like the character, old school rocker and responsible parent. At least you try to be. You have a strong devotion to your son, you have someone else your fighting for, not for yourself or for personal glory. I'm a fan of your character. He wants to be right and honest with who he is and as such, is ashamed in himself for having to pull a quick one and win a match he did not do well in. Not a huge issue, but it shows how much of a good person you are. Your writing is very good, well paced. You change between dialogue and description well. You didn't over talk any issues. You discussed the issue with the prior match and addressed Marcus very well, bringing up his issues with race and how it's not about that. I like how you relate music to your RP. I really like your character and you make him stand out well amongst the rest. Great job.

 

[Blade]

Here's some Feedback for some of my fellow Noobs.

Mr. Baller
Decent RP. As the others have said, you're really improving. This promo you cut on me was much better than the one you cut on me before the battle royale. You're getting confident with your writing and it shows. Plus you're character is really starting to take form and come into his own. Keep working on that.

Trevor Steel
I like your character alot. It's the kinda a person you'd meet in every day life, but would never think of as a wrestler. I think it will create some really good angles in the future.
Your determination is also pretty cool. You know you have flaws but you're trying to overcome them. It'll be great to watch your character evolve.

Corey Payne
I found this RP boring. You just seem to be a bland babyface with no real personality. And for some reason, you put Rush over huge. If you don't bury your opponent a little bit, it's not entertaining. You gotta find the perfect line between burying them and putting over their abilities.
Your RP was also kinda cliched. Why are we to believe you're dangerous or become the best? Do you have some kind of split personality? Cause the RP makes you sound like you wouldn't hurt a fly.... Just Saying.

 

[Lee]

Blade I'll do yours later...basically I loved it, but I'm going to re read it then give you a good analysis.

Corey

The things that struck me was

1) why does becky need to introduce herself?
2) Becky asks you one question and that's it...if you're interviewing you're going to ask more than one.
3) Blade covered the putting over Rush too much.
4) Where do you just come out that you're going to be the best? There's a point when you can be cocky, but having just gained a contract, that's not it.

I like the premise of your character, we're lacking in faces so it's good to see some, you just need to decided what you want from him and go for it. Developing the character makes it a bit more interesting. Then again it's just your second RP, I recommend reading other peoples to see how it's done.