RP Feedback Thread

[JamJam]

Here's that batch of feedback. I'll try to get that other batch done, if not, I apologize.

Dr. Zeus
First of all, I’m not sure if it’s your writing skill, but you made it seem like Dr. Porter was the heel here. I like how Zeus had it all come back to Dr. Porter, making it seem like Dr. Porter was in the wrong. You have a very unique character because Zeus only speaks in rhyme so it shows that you’re a skilled writer after writing an RP based solely on rhymes. However, not everything seemed to rhyme, unless I read some of them wrong. Your RP basically had Zeus remember a memory then go straight into an interview which may or may not be a good thing. I received advice earlier that with every RP, you want to have a story as to why people should care about your character. Here, it seems you just wanted us to see how much of a heel Zeus could be. Also, Thrash looked to be the perfect opponent for you based on this RP. Not sure it’ll declare you the winner, but you definitely had a good game plan against Thrash. Overall, it was a good RP but then I know you can do better than this.

The Beard
The format of this RP was rather good. It was good to see the serious side of Beard here then switch back to his Beardy self. I think this was probably the most serious we've seen The Beard and I can't blame him. He lost the tag titles, his tag team partner, and now has to deal with Krypto. The last line of the RP was the perfect ending imo. The first time I read this RP, it seemed like Krypto was the star of this thread but when I gave it another read, it was clearly an RP from The Beard. I guess sometimes it takes a second look to get an opinion on an RP, so I'm glad I read it again. Not sure if you'll continue in this format, but if you do, then I'm sure you'll do a good job because this RP was a good read.

Krypto
I’m a big fan of Krypto, he’s just such an enjoyable character to read for so I’m happy to be giving you some feedback. Beard and Krypto would definitely be a tag team to watch out for whether you guys pursue it or not. The interaction between Beard and Krypto was real good and is exactly how things should be. What I mean by that is since Beard just lost his partner, it made sense for Beard to be annoyed by Krypto’s antics but is forced to deal with it because they’re partners for a match, good continuation there. This RP was just a joy to read as well as Beard’s RP. I hope you guys venture down the road of maybe becoming tag team partners.

Mister Alhazred
The youtube video that accompanied this RP instantly made me laugh at the situation at Alhazred, good job setting up the mood. Also, you can tell you're a skilled writer when you have a pickle be your companion and still be entertained by it. Only thing that threw me off about the RP was that I didn't know what a Facecrush McSpinesmasher was, some sort of contraption, I know. But I don't know much else about it. I was entertained by this RP a lot so good job! However, poor hand! No hand has to go through what Alhazred put it through

Grizzly Bob
I didn't really see the need to have the Granny Brown segment unless I'm missing something here. I think I have, your character went on a trip in his last RP, right? But anyway, I think Grizzly's reactions to Facecrush were a little...dull. I'm sure Grizzly would've at least be annoyed by Facecrush after all the damage he gave that shoekeeper or how he just entered his house like that. I think you saved it there in the end with that line that mentioned how you'd rather have Facecrush on your side than against you. That's some good tag team work there. I think it would've been hilarious to see Grizzly talk the way Facecrush did, like "Grizzly welcomes you to his home, this Digger. Digger Grizzly's pet." Something like that could've been incorporated and it would've been hilarious to read and see the interaction. Just my two cents man, it was still a good RP though.

Ricky Runn
It seems I'm giving feedback for all the humorous characters we have in WZCW, just noticed, lol. But anyway, onto the RP. The flashback was a nice touch and then bringing it back to the present showed continuity and I think that's very important in RPs. You did well in furthering your character's development, those bear puns were hilarious. I think you could've mentioned Mystique a little more since he's your opponent. But I think there's more than meets the eye in this RP. Just something about it gives me a hint as to what'll happen next with your character. Or am I just thinking wrong? Only time will tell.

 

[Blade]

Phatso/Alex Bowen

- Firstly, an interesting opening. I'm not sure if it was a nod to my RP and the comments I made, but it was quite sad. In a good way.

- Clearly, Alex Bowen is in a disillusioned mindset. And yet, I find him too articulate and even flippant in the way he speaks about it. Bowen just telling us how he's feeling is the easy way to do it, but not as effective. You could've shown more subtle signs of how Bowen is feeling, using techniques from the Ambrose/Moxley school of body language, whether through description or speech pattern.

- With that, his resentment towards the Mayhem division is an interesting new direction for Bowen, with plenty of possibilities.

- I don't think you talked about Blade enough. Just an offhand mention of our lack of history and my break. You had plenty to work with, both in my past RP's and in my new one. You didn't have to do a response RP, cause that would've been a bad idea, but you're Blade's first opponent after a year absence, I figure there'd be more to say about it. I'm not just saying this because it's Blade you're facing, if you had given Kravinoff or James Howard the same lack of attention, it would've bugged me just as much.

- With that said, I know you've just returned recently too, so you may be trying to focus on figuring out your character again instead of focusing on your opponents.

- Overall, not the best RP you've ever done, but the doors you're opening for Bowen could be very interesting.


Echelon/Celeste Crimson

- You have an insight into your character's psyche in a way that's very unique in the fed. Celeste's views on what's happened with Holmes and Showtime are fascinating to read.

- Reading the sexy description, I'm so into this angle. Not in a creepy way, but as a fan. Is it just business mixed with pleasure or could it be love? Is Celeste capable of love? Who will turn on who first? Both you and FunKay are selling this angle with your RP's so well.

- Celeste's reasoning and delivery of said reasoning is ice cold, as always. Love it.

- You also show Celeste's ability to get inside the heads of her opponents really nicely with the promo on Callahan.

- I don't know what you were so worried about, this RP is easily one of the best of the round. You've stepped up your game so much since I last read your work and I cannot wait to face you again.


Thrash/Thrash.

- Another character I don't know particularly well, so bear with me. I've got a lot of notes for you.

- Firstly, you wrote Klamor really well at the start. I think you got his persona spot on. But like I said, that was at the start. More on that in a minute.

- A good wrestler, whether heel or face, should never admit defeat so easily like Thrash did in reference to the Lethal Lottery. Unless they're about to go through an alignment/gimmick change. Even faces have egos.

- Despite my above criticism, Thrash's confidence in his ability to bounce back is endearing, though it does lack a certain edge to make him a larger than life character.

- I liked the way you wrote Klamor for the first quarter of the RP, but he kind of ended up in more of a Bateman/Myles role further in, when he started talking about Zeus. It was kinda weird. I don't think interviewers should be taunting wrestlers that much and they shouldn't have more knowledge of what's going on than wrestlers.

- The nightmare/illusion stuff is done an awful lot, but I really liked the way you wrote the confrontation with Zeus in Thrash's head. It was quite intense.

- The emphasis of Thrash starting to feel mentally unstable as he gets ready to face someone with Zeus' gimmick is clever. Admittedly, someone would've done it eventually, but it showed good awareness that you figured it out in his (Zeus') first match.

-Lastly, I think it would suit Thrash to show some more defiance in the future! He may not be feeling himself, but I want there to come a point where he flips off the world and comes out swinging. I hope that makes sense. Solid RP.

 

[Bernkastel]

Crock

Great RP this round Crock. The narration flowed very well in the introduction, and the transitions were solid. I was digging the dialogue in the second half, and even “secret room in a psyche” is cliché; you made it work by emphasizing the external struggle and ho it pertains to the internal struggle. Couldn’t find any major spelling or grammar mistakes; this really was one of your better works.

What I liked most about the RP: The descriptions. You did such a fine job painting the picture this round; and with ideas that have been used quite often. The struggle of Sam Smith is not just on the inside, but the outside as well.

What I liked least about the RP: There really wasn’t much of anything to gripe about – the RP was really solid. All I’ll say is don’t spread your ideas too thin to the point where one takes precedent over another. There are lots of different aspects working for Sam Smith right now.


Dynamite

I’m impressed with your work this round; it was funny, but not so over the top as some of the others have said. I like the development that’s starting to form between Krypto and Alhazred. Skully is a great writer as well, and you play off him quite easily. Some great back in forth with the dialogue, and I think you’ve captured The Beard very well when he’s used.

What I liked most about the RP: The interaction between the characters. The members are really into this match, and it’s easy to see with this RP as an example, because the story is flowing so well. Missy drooling over Beard, Beard acting indifferent, Krypto smacking peeps with the power glove; all very entertaining.

What I liked least about the RP: Actually it was hard to find something that really stuck out as being blatantly wrong, or something that I’d recommend changing, as the RP was very solid. I would like to see some real depth to come out of this storyline, instead of it all just being about silly comedy. Some of that comedy really is great, but too much of it will over saturate the story and cause it to become one dimensional IMO. I see that working for All Stars, but not something like Kingdom Come.


Blade

The alignment change was great; and it still feels like a Blade RP without really taking away from the identity that many older RP’ers still associate with you. It’s very fresh. Blade still comes across as his conceited, arrogance self, but he acknowledges humility, and now wants to preach about equality. Not so much the injustices of others, as the injustices of the system itself; that could make Blade a good foil for a number of potential opponents.

What I liked most about the RP: Definitely the imagery; the scene you painted was wonderful, and you did a great job illustrating just how Blade’s character shifted from one extreme to the other. As for the dialogue, the narration, and the transitions, they were all stellar and well written.

What I liked least about the RP: There were a couple grammatical errors dotted here and there; most of them either the wrong word was used, or a gap where a particular word should be. Those can be hard to catch, so just make sure to double down on your proofreading.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Time for a couple more

Doc/Action Saxton

This RP went completely opposite of what I thought it was going to be, and I loved it.
Seems like Saxton really cared for his master, and there was some great emotion in this story. The bit about the Flinstones spoon being the artifact that Master Chop Onion sent Saxton to retrieve was a great way to acknowledge Saxton's past.

Formatting and grammar had no issues, and I didn't catch any spelling errors either. Great job!

FWR/Hades
This RP in my mind was very underwelming for a guy that wanted to come back to the fed so much. There were some spelling and grammar mistakes, and I really don't think that you introduced Hades in a particularly good way. Honestly, I was hoping for an Angel comeback, and the reason why is you had a good grasp on that character, which unfortunately is something you're missing with Hades.

 

[The Crock]

Blade (Blade):

• I really enjoyed the interplay between Klamor and Blade right at the get-go. Klamor's surprise at how Blade is behaving is representative of how the readers felt when reading this RP, considering just how different this incarnation of Blade is. In saying that, the staples of the Blade character still are there -- the smoking, the whiskey, the demeanor -- you've managed to evolve the character, but keep a certain familiarity to it. I like it.
• The story Blade's telling in this RP is really good. Just the way it unfolds -- from the homeless man to Blade's transformation -- reads really well.
• The part with Klamor's wallet and the hundred dollar bill is a touch cheesy, but you didn't go too far with it and it wasn't overwhelming. As a matter of fact, it flowed pretty well with the RP.
• On the downside, I feel like you just glossed over Alex Bowen. Personally, I feel like talking about your opponent is an important component to your RP. The RP itself is pretty good, so you'll probably be okay, but I don't think you should neglect your opponents.

Grizzly Bob (ManureTheBear):

• This is one of my favorite RPs I've read from you -- it's HILARIOUS.
• I like seeing the characters around Grizzly Bob, like Granny and the Shopkeeper, who just scream "small town," and really help the reader immerse themselves into the RP.
• You did an awesome job writing Facecrush. The scene with the Shopkeeper was something else, man.
• I love how Bob managed to "tame the savage," when he met Facecrush. That was a nice touch.
• You did a nice job of touching on your match this week, too -- it didn't just strike me as a throwaway that you added on because you had to.
• Overall, this was a really good RP and I'm glad to see you improving every round -- Grizzly's easily one of the most interesting characters around.

Mason Westhoff (Thriller):

• I like the quote. Nice touch.
• The scene flashing back to the Lethal Lottery was cool -- coming off all the confusion that came with the segment at the LL, it was fitting that you at least mentioned it.
• The promo against Jacobs was enjoyable. Comparing how you broke down the church to how you'll break down Jacobs was a great comparison. Not to mention, you set the scene of the RP with the small bits of description and so on. I could envision what was going on, which is always a plus.
• I know you never really write huge RPs, but this one seemed to fly by. I'm not entirely sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Sure, it was a good read, but it could have used a little bit more.

Celeste Crimson (Echelon):

• This was, as always, a very well-written RP. It certainly wasn't hard to read.
• The flashbacks to how the relationship with Holmes came about were nice, because they help make some sense of the angle that went down at the LL.
• The bit with Holmes and Crimson getting physical was... weird. I understand why it was there, but I still thought it was the weakest part of the RP.
• The promo was great. I really enjoyed every bit of it. You do a nice job of mixing dialogue in with your great descriptions, and it really makes the RP jump off the page at the reader.
• The promo was unconventional, but it fit in perfectly with Celeste's new direction. Celeste looked out for Steven's interests more than her own, but in that very same breath, she used that to go after Drake. It all comes down to the writing, though -- you did a great job here. Good RP.

Derek Jacobs (Meeks):

• I've used the house show setting before myself, but there's definitely a better way you could have delivered is promo. The house show thing is getting tired, as of late.
• I like the "I'm going to hell" bit. It plays up the character's past and gives you something to talk about in your RPs.
• I'm a fan of breaking your RPs apart with multiple segments -- it makes it a much more interesting read -- so I'm glad you went that route.
• The segment in the middle could have been cheesy, but you pulled it off well enough.
• I thought the promo at the end was the strongest part of the RP. It seems like people are tossing aside a good promo for telling large stories nowadays, but it's nice to see a solid promo come up every so often.
• Overall, I liked the RP. It wasn't anything special, but it was solid. Can't ask for more.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Finally getting the feedback done.

Amber Warren/JAM

-First and foremost glad to see you back in the fed, just don't high tail after KC like you did last year
-First thing I noticed is that it's in first person perspective, which is not my favorite but you do it well so good job.
-You hit the bullet points on your opponents very well, a majority of the RP is actually about your opponents I sorta wish I got to learn more Amber herself.
-Overall I say this was a decent to good debut RP, I think you have the potential to win but definitely do not be discouraged if you don't. Isabel is always hit and miss with me and you're facing the head of creative in your first match so who knows what shenanigans are going on behind the scenes.
-Female characters can be hard to establish in a Fed full of macho men, next time I'd advise giving us so more back story on Amber while still keeping a focus on the opponents like on this RP.

Dr. Zeus/Haiku

-You're certainly the first person who I've seen come into the Fed with so much hype.
-Your writing certainly reminds of me of Barbosa in the sense that I feel Zeus could be down right creepy if you want him to or have a touch of comedy if need be.
-The rhyming has been done before and while I don't agree with Blade saying it was used as a lame rap as the character who did it was very good, you take it to another level, bravo.
-Where I do agree with Blade is that I feel you could have saved a bit of backstory for Zeus, maybe there is more to him though, I sure hope so.
-Overall this was a very good debut RP, I'd imagine you've got some people already clamoring for Zeus to enter a feud so as long as you keep up stuff like this you've got nothing to worry about. Can't wait to see what you do in the future.

 

[JGlass]

I gave some feedback to a few RP'ers who I thought showed some potential this week but didn't exactly fill it.

Derek Jacobs- I liked most of your RP, but you lost major points in the middle. Talking to a grave stone is not only something that is a personal pet peeve of mine, but it’s also incredibly cliché. Not only that, but a one-sided conversation is incredibly difficult to pull off, and to be frank, you weren’t able to here.

The trash talk for Mason Westhoff was very good, though, and I really like the idea that Derek Jacobs has accepted his fate but is going to make sure that he’s going to take out the people that are even worse than he is. That kind of reminds me of The Punisher, and maybe you can model your character after Frank Castle.

D.C.- Your RP was pretty good, but ultimately I decided to vote for Shotaro. While your RPs were almost equally compelling, his was just about twenty times more readable and in turn much more enjoyable.

There are two issues I took with your RP. The first is that you broke the 4th wall somewhat randomly, and then slipped back into regular narration. This isn’t a new tactic and it’s one I myself have used, but the way you used it seemed like it was coming from the writer of the RP, not the narrator of the story, you dig? That sort of pulled me out of the story.

The other problem I had with your RP was that you would say one line of dialogue and give a character direction. It was too much, and there was absolutely not flow or rhythm to your dialogue. Telling us what your character is doing is important, but you don’t need to tell us about every blink, nod, etc. You need to find a balance between the two.

I also wasn’t a big fan of you talking about your past successes because there are maybe two or three people here that actually remember that, and I doubt they really care too much about them. The majority of the fed needs to learn what D.C. is all about, and I should hope that he’s not all about his past accomplishments.

JAM- I like that Amber Warren seems to be this eager face with stars in her eyes, and that does come across in the RP. However, this is almost overshadowed by your awful formatting. It almost seems like you are writing in Amber’s stream of conscious, and if that’s what you’re going for, you need to clean it up. Dialogue between two different characters is smashed together in the same paragraph with little separating it, and while I can tell who is saying what, it would be nice to give the reader a moment to take a mental breath.

MMSoldier- You won this week because of FWR’s short, and quite honestly woeful RP, but I wasn’t exactly enamored with your RP either. I liked the idea of the assembly, but it may have been the worst assembly in the history of high school auditorium culture. Jimmy Flynn walks in, cracks a few jokes, asks if anybody plays sports, and then takes questions. The question you need ask yourself is, “Why is Jimmy Flynn here,” and then you need to answer that in your RP. I’m guessing the high school didn’t invite him to speak so he could foreshadow his upcoming WZCW match.

If I had to sum up your RP in one phrase it would be: good idea, poor execution. The world your RP paints is one where Jimmy Flynn just does whatever he wants and the world seems to revolve around him. He gets invited to speak at the high school because he’s Jimmy Flynn. He talks about things Jimmy Flynn cares about because… he’s Jimmy Flynn. Then the kids ask him questions about being Jimmy Flynn. Try to integrate Jimmy Flynn into a more normal society and I think you’ll put out better RPs.

 

[Con T.]

Welp, I'm bored, so I'm gonna start some feedback. Who do we got first?

Blade

.... Oh, my opponent.

I've never offered feedback for my opponent before, so this is a bit strange for me, but I wanted to write something about your RP. When I saw I was facing you this round, I was glad to see I was going to get to face a pretty big guy (Well, figuratively) but bummed that I was facing you so early in my career. The only reason why is because I see immense potential in a Zeus-Blade feud, and there's only one time to have that first match. That said, I don't think we disappointed at all. You have a very dialogue based RP to me, and allow your dialogue to be the star of the RP. That works perfectly, to me, especially in this RP. It's very much written like a comic book, to me, and I rather enjoy that.

I know you were waffling on the format of your RP, but I must admit I did enjoy the flow of last week's RP a little more. I know you were worried of looking like you copied me, but honestly, I don't think it would have been much of an issue. At the end of the day, when you pull off a quality RP, I don't think it should matter too much if your RP looks similar. But then again, that's just me. Also, it seems that Blade would be a character perfect for anecdotes. When you were talking about the poor families you'd seen, I was wondering if you'd tell a story about a poor person who got the help he needed, and made it big. Maybe it's because your character screams (sorry to reference this again) Dusty Rhodes, but adding something like this could have really helped.

Barbosa

The Mega Crazies.... Explode?

That's at least the vibe I got from reading this RP, at least just the tiniest bit of dissension. I really like the idea that Barbosa's stuck in a rut because of Kravinoff. The only thing is, that seems a little contingent on whether or not Kravinoff comes back or not. I have the feeling he will be back at some point, but based on how you write out your RPs, it could lead to issues in the future.

I really, really like the conflicts in Barbosa's mind regarding... Everything, really. Barbosa is an intriguing character, and based on how stressed you can get him, his persona becomes greatly heightened. I think you handle the idea that these two events are happening simultaneously as well as you can, but I'll admit the format is a little confusing at times. But it's so well written, it almost doesn't matter. Again, like Blade, you're a feller I want to feud with, for obvious reasons, so I always keep a watchful eyes on your RP. This one didn't disappoint, and I think works pretty well

 

[Con T.]

Rated R Nightmare

This has a lot of promise; really want to see what IHW comes out with, but I can see the gears starting to whir here. So let's get to it.

• Ok, I hate to do this, and I don't want to be that guy. But "Your", and "You're":

there not the same
their not the same
they're not the same.

• I'm a guy that likes creepy things... A lot. So this does have a lot of potential, as Shotaro said. I don't know if the Ringmaster is going to come in as a manager or a recurring NPC, but I can see the semblences of something with the overall story.
• I'd really like to know when this is happening in the life of the Carnival of Carnage. It's somewhat vague, but it seems to have happened when the CoC were fifteen or sixteen. I may have missed this in past RPs, but who are these two women, and have we seen them before? Because it seems a little sudden to pull the l word, but if it was when the CoC were teens, then I cansee where that comes from.But then again, it looks like the CoC are well established inwho they are already.
• Again, I don't like doing this, but "There", "Their", and "They're":
  

Your doing it wrong
You're doing it wrong

• I think a lot more descriptive writing could be put in place, especially describing The Ringmaster. This guy seems like he's going to be very important, and IHW maydescribe him more (one of the reasons I wanted to see what he brought), but I think having a better image of what this guy looks like could really help. Right now, I'm imagining a smile, a cane, and that's it
  
• This was all a very fun, enjoyable read. It wasn't too dense, and admittedly at times maybe I'd like some more description. But it made for an entertaining RP. I don't know if IHW plans to cover this, but I do hope this weeks' match gets talked about a little bit, and built up. I want to know what the Carnival has in store for Amber & Angel

Dynamite

• I said this before to you, but I think that you, more than just about anyone in the fed, has a grasp on what your character wants, how he'll get there, and what he's thinking at every moment. You get exactly what your character is going for, and it works perfectly.
• The pussy jokes were really good, and that isn't even up my alley. Admittedly, by the end of the RP, it was a little less funny, and a little more groanish, but it was still pretty humorous
• There really should be something said, not just for your ability to write Krypto, but also write Missy. Writing one consistent character is difficult enough, but you manage to write out Missy, and it seems one way or another, you'll write the Beard some more, too.
• MOAR BEARD-PROBE (That will be my name for this team, and I will shout it until it catches on)

The Beard

• Something really small, but I always like you set up your journal entries with a quote. That's a very nice touch, that sets the reader up for the rest of the RP.
• Claudia? 9/10, would bang
• I can see what you mean about her using a little too much carny talk. It's a very creative take, and in this case it worked. But it can be a little jarring to have to Reaz-ad this after a little while. Also, I can appreciate the nod, but I'm not sure if other readers will understand the tie in to wrestling and carny talk. Again, fun little note, but may go over the heads of some.
• Kizarny cameo?
• Very good RP, and entertaining to read. Love the idea of this completely normal guy having all this weird shit happen to him.

Revolving Door

• Again, in this case, here's hoping Coco comes back. Though, you seem far more focused on taking out Constantine, so there is that. You have the benefit of the tie in to Hunter with Constantine, but you keep a good portion of your focus on him.
• Jealousy? You're sure you want to start showing emotion with Dr. Zeus lurking around?
• Really entertaining read, and did a whole lot to further everyone involved's stories.

 

[Con T.]

Isabel Stone

• Interestingly enough, this RP comes off far more faceish than I was expecting. But considering that you almost died the first time you faced Ricky Runn, that works.
• It would have been tempting, at least for me, to give into the comedy of such an absurd angle. I think sticking to your guns really benefits you this round, and makes this RP stronger.
• Aye, villians who have a reason for why they're so fucked up. I really like the interaction between Isabel and her father. Yeah, the dream sequence has been done, but I actually did enjoy it.
• At some point, though, Isabel's father's put downs became a little overkill. A little bit of that caused me to have sympathy for the heel. If that's what you're going for, good. I just thought it was a little overkill.
• I do enjoy that we see Stone as a whole person. She has friends and a boyfriend, she isn't just completely evil.
• Really solid RP, setting up what should be a huge grudge match

I should probably add; if I'm reading it correctly, it seems that within ten seconds, Jessie is getting beaten by her father, and her friends are having sex in front of here. That's also a bit much, at least to me

 

[Shotaro]

Mr. J. O'Material- Dr Zeus

Firstly I'd like to say I really enjoyed your RP. It was of pretty significant length, but it never felt long. It's something that very few people do well and it's often the difference between a guy who's a future main eventer and a guy who's never getting out of the Mayhem division (honestly I've read RPs and short stories half the length that didn't read as well)

With that in mind, there's very little for me to criticize. After the parallels with Holden Caulfield I feel like you spelt it out too much. That being said, I can understand WHY you did it, as a Brit who's never read Catcher in the Rye I picked up on the parallels with guys like Manson and Mark David Chapman so I don't think it was entirely necessary. (Yes I've not read catcher in the rye, I had to read 'Roll of Thunder, Hear my Cry' in school. It's not terrible, but it's not exactly one of the great novels of the 20th century.)

Anyway I digress, a sentence just after stood out as being oddly phrased.

"Dr Geigel" bellowed one of the paunchier wispier haired man, Dr. Collie.

It just reads strangely, it has the phrasing of the Seuss-inspired poems and feels like it's there to set up a half-rhyme that never comes.

I enjoyed the cameo from Dr Kurtsey, I imagine you had already spoken to Falkon about it but if not just be aware that you needed to ask him permission to use him.

Good choice of music. It really helps to set the scene. As for your poetry you do a great job of mimicking that very distinctive style and it's commendable. I would absolutely read your next RP.

Zeus has a bright future, good job man.

 

[Con T.]

OMIGAWD, more feedback.

Thrash

• Zeus really fucked ya up, huh?
• I was wondering what happened with Alex, and where that leads to.
• I like the format it was written, clean and concise.
• I know I said this about your last RP somewhat, but I can't lie, Thrash may come off as a heel, if there's an angle where he almost killed his ex-wife. I know there's more of the angle to play out, but I think it would be really hard to play a face, with that specific angle in mind.
• Thrash having anger issues adds an edge to his character that can make him more violent. That something that can really work for Thrash.
• Overall, some pretty good stuff here

Angel

• I really like the idea of Angel trying to save a kid that seems otherwise unsaveable. I really think you can flesh this out and eventually make a story out of this that (shock) sends some sort of message.
• That said, I was really hoping Angel would throw something back at Ronney. The dialogue was somewhat dry to me, and my favorite part was the airplane scene. I hope that in time, Angel dishes it out to Ronney.
• You definitely have a much better feel of this character, and it shows. I'm curious why you wanted to try Hades to begin with
• Boy, was I hoping for a Hades cameo, though

Derek Jacobs

• Really liked that the effects of what's happened to Derek are really getting to him. There are stakes to everything.
• Jglass said it in the last round of RP FB, but I think you could really benefit from reading some Punisher comics. Hell, you may not even need that, you could watch old Nitro episodes with Sting to get some ideas. That's the character I can see coming out of this angle.
• We've been PM'ing so much, I think you've gotten tired of me . I don't know if I would have had all his vitals working out. Clearly, something physical causes him to collapse.

James Howard

• You have this descriptive way of writing that I really admire, and strive for.
• Dialogue between you and Mikey just flows, really. Amnd it works really well.
• That's why it makes me sad that you two won't be teaming together. You two just have a chemistry in your writing.
• I like the concept of faith and despair, and both of your RPs touch on it. Just know that faith works in mysterious ways.
• Overall really good stuff

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Right so I promised Thrash and Dave feedback this week so here it is.

Constantine:

Right so obviously I haven't been around long enough to know anything about Kravinoff but considering you keep calling him a wild man, it seems like he wouldn't just talk normal English and would at least have some sort of accent.

I love the fact that Constantine is trying to get inside the head of Kravinoff and convince him that Barbosa and SHIT are these horrible people....well person and machine.

It almost seems like Kravinoff has been brainwashed to a certain extent by Constantine and if that's what you were trying to do with this RP it worked perfectly. Loved the idea behind this and its good to see you still having Kravinoff be a major part of the RP even if Coco has seemingly vanished.

Thrash:

First off let me say you have improved a lot since our first match. Kudos to you for that, i'm really enjoying the whole story with Thrash right now.

The start to your RP, the descriptions mainly was great. I love how Beard and Grizzly basically looked at Thrash like there was something wrong with him and that may be further proof of what Dr.Zeus can do to someone.

The whole back and forth with Thrash and Laura was good, though the whole thing with Laura having Action Saxton's boxers was weird and seemed very out of place.

Uhh Thrash almost killed his ex wife? I know we will get much more story here in the future but shouldn't he be in jail for that? Last I checked attempted murder is against the law...

Overall a good RP, Felt too long though. But maybe that's just me. It should be a good match between Thrash and Sandy this week though and it could easily go either way. I didn't notice any major errors so that's a plus.

 

[Dirk]

Feedback for this round...

Dynamite/ Krypto
*Your character progresses nicely from a bit of a coward to bear-punching hero.
*The whole RP ranged from quirky to very funny, a very enjoyable read.
*Interactions between Krypto & Missy resulted in some Seth MacFarlane-style awkward humour, which I can imagine is hard to pull off.
*Your use of Beard, Bob and the cat was very good.
*Structurally, the RP is extremely strong and you used dialogue, narrative and formatting to paint a great climax.
*I see great potential with Mister and I enjoyed what you're doing with him so far.
*If Grizzly loses to this RP, I'll be more than okay with it...

Meeks/ Derek Jacobs
*Jacobs is easily the most badass character in WZCW, I love his dark antihero thing
*PTSD would open many possibilities creatively
*Great quote, love Bat Country, you did focus more on pain of being a man than being a beast, though
*I don't know the back story leading up to the letter, but you filled in blanks and effectively used the theme of self-sacrifice.
*Jacobs is undeniably face, without being cheesy. With the WWE these days, that's an art!

Thriller/ Mason Westhoff
*Personally, what I would like, is a little less GM and more Westhoff, but you did write him as an excellent lapdog.
*The RP felt REALLY short, but when I reread it, I saw it was actually rather long. That's a testament to your smooth and varied writing style.
*I love how you portrayed Mason's clerical constraint, that's a key element in understanding him.
*What I was curious about is why does he hate DC's guts so much? But that I don't know the back story is on me, not you.

Thrash
*Hardcore Thrash is a breath of fresh air, man!
*You described his deteriorated state of mind to perfection
*It's not often that I'll feel such a strong sense of suspense like I did with your RP.
*What I appreciate, is how intense the RP was and how deep in character I imagine you'd have to be to write it.
*The part about the ex-wife showing up did feel like a bombshell you just dropped on us, but it does get me curious.

Dave/ Constantine
*At first I wondered why the RP had such a faceish feel to it, opening up an interesting and different side of John
*These queries were quickly quashed when it became clearer that Constantine is actually playing Hunter, becoming even more apparent in the conclusion.
*I noticed two grammatical errors, nothing major, though...
*Strong rhetoric by Constantine throughout - good, logical arguments
*You had good descriptive language and it's essential when you go with a semi-catatonic Kravinoff.

Crock/ Smith
*Good Asian reference, since Sabosax went to China
*The chemistry between Rush/Smith is amazing
*I haven't heard the lotus story before, is it your own? If it is, I really enjoyed it. What I liked was the "Smith" take it, stuff like they "had to go to war" (even though they could share it).
*Once again Smith claims to be unjustly vilified, despite evidence pointing to the contrary
*You painted a vivid picture of Chelsea and envoked a LOT sympathy for her. This girl as getting a SHITTY deal from life (and Smith, in particular).

Ryder/ Angel
*It was a little much to drop on us like that, so this poor kid doesn't have parents AND has cancer? I just thought it was a lot to take in so quickly.
*One or two formatting errors, nothing much
*I sympathized with Angel's tiring plight with this kid, admiring his patience. Ronney's a bit of a dick and I'd have told him to fuck off long ago...
*Often we get religious motivation for evil, but I liked how you put it in a positive light.
*A very good tag RP, showing teamwork between you and JAM

Dr Zeus
*It was a good idea to include a back story, nobody starts out as a monster
*Holden from Catcher in the rye is a bit of a love/hate character, I could relate to Dorian's dislike for him.
*Your descriptions stood out, especially when emphasizing the stressful medical life
*All your RP's describe Zeus's mood sublimely. Here, the Sneetches served as a useful window into Zeus's mood.
*This is just me, but I felt it was a teensie bit long

Jam/ Amber Warren
*What I like is how cute and likeable Amber is.
*You have sweet interactions between the siblings, even though I could relate more to Nate than Amber.
*You put a positive spin on the loss, which is always good.
*Finally, you open up Amber's obese past. I want more of this! Maybe a flashback in the future?
*What you did was use Angel and Amber to promote both yourselves and CoC, through the point-counterpoint session. This also eased up on Angel's infallability, making him more human.

Blade
*You held kayfabe giving Holmes a heel reaction. Also, naturally, props for using Grizzly's shirts
*I noticed the formatting you didn't like, but honestly, it didn't bother me.
*Blade has this "Working man" charm, flipping off the higher-ups (Vance) strengthened this.
*Blade can be a bit of a dick to the interviewers, but in a good way. How he mindfucks them shows his mental resiliance, probably his most important defence against the Good Doctor.
*Last week the descriptions bowled me over. This round's dialogue was the stand-out feature for me.
*I'm curious to see Blade interacting with other faces, because so far he's been the only good guy in your two RP's.

You guys all did a good job, ranging from seven to nine bear claws! Best of luck for the next round!

 

[a0161613]

Meeks:
Your improvement is remarkable. Keep it up.

That being said, this was a miss for me. I’m not a fan of using the “random person who is an avid fan of WZCW” approach. It’s a good idea but it borders on overused cliché. I thought this was a little clumsy as well.

The highlight was your use of PTSD. It’s something I know you are familiar with and it’s the perfect angle for you to use. I would continue with it as a theme through your RPs for a significant period of time. And you mentioned a massive mistake? I didn’t see it.

The interview with Leon didn’t work for me either unfortunately. It was brief, too brief and really didn’t feature enough of a promo. I thought you had built to let rip on GM and it never came. It was a missed opportunity.

I’m glad you’re back though mate.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Numbers

You're my opponent this week, so naturally your RP sucks and I'm going to win.



Just kidding.

All in all, this was a really good RP. I like the interaction between GM and Reynolds, and it looks like GM is going a little crazy? Did his match with Runn really take that much out of him?

This RP told a good story, and there weren't any spelling or grammar errors that I can see.

PS: If no one catches my mystique...I mean mistake, I'll let everyone in on what it was.

Here's hoping we have a great match!

 

[Beastmode 24]

Hurrr we go.

DC

I loved your RP this week. The transition in writing style continues here, and there is a LOT of character development.

I like how you used the sympathy card here. DC's running with easily some of the most hated guys in the company, and he hates it. What is it that GM holds over DC?

The only thing I would've liked to see here is more talk about your opponents. Other than that, hell of a job this week.

Dr. Zeus

Ok, is it a goal of yours to make me want to check under my covers for monsters when I read your RP's?

Just kidding. I don't do that.

I have my wife to check for me.

Anyhoo, this is another great RP from you. The continued character development is awesome as always, and you talk about your opponents with such...hate that it's easy to see that Zeus legitimately believes he needs to get rid of them.

Be careful about asking for Kurtesy though. Dudes a bad mama jamma.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Dustin Hunter

Gotta say man, this was a solid RP. You talked about how Brent left, you showed great character development with the ringmaster, and you make Dustin look like a serious threat now. The only real advice I have for you is to stick with this. Your past issues with jumping from new direction to new direction are well documented, and I think a win here will solidify the fact that you've found the way to go.

FWR is really good at pulling a great RP out of his ass from time to time, but I can see you gettin the win over his more frequent work.

Solid job

 

[Con T.]

Welp, time for rounds of feedback. Let's do this then.

Derek Jacobs

This clearly, clearly came from a soft spot in the heart, and frankly, I think you pulled it off well. Circumstances aside, I felt this was a really damn good RP, that caught the fact that even while seeking therapy, Derek Jacobs still is focused on all that TSA has done to people. I can also understand the issue with dealing with the human brain; I think you handle the idea of life after a traumatic situation perfectly.

I do sort of with that more was talked about Whitman. I know the reason you told me, and I understand it. But, I do feel that it always benefits to do a little research on a guy, and it helps build the basis to your RP.

I know you've felt a little on the schnide, but these RP's have been the building blocks to a good character. There's going to be some lumps along the way to establishing a new character, so I think that you have to remember that. I've seen the direction you're taking; at the end of the day, getting yourself to there will involve some lumps, so I wouldn't worry too much about it, man. You have to worry about the character that you develop, and that's gotta be priority 1.

Whitman

Yay! I'm not the new guy anymore!

Actually, I found myself pleasantly surprised by this RP. I will say, I really like the fact that you did your research on Derek. That's hard to do for a new guy, get yourself ingrained to a new fed and all the characters. You did it pretty damn well, and I like that you know the fed, before you get running. There were also some pretty poetic lines that I enjoyed, and if the grieving sections keep up, then it's a very nifty little concept to tie together your RPs. But perhaps the best thing about all of your RP was the dialogue. Man, was that the star of this RP. You know how to make your characters interact; it's very witty, it's very quick. It was just a joy to watch these characters interact, to the point that I wish there was more of it.

Now, allow me to be a hyprocrite... When DC came in and did his first RP, there was a part of me that didn't really enjoy it. I saw it was well written, but couldn't get myself into it. After reading his last two RPs (which have been good to stellar, more on that later) I struggled to think what left such a bitter taste in my mouth during his RP. And I realized it; he had quite a bit of stuff that came from other things and characters that came from other feds. You did some of the same, and at times, all it did was... Confuse me. I have a hard enough time following one fed; following a whole other one is absolutely nuts. At the end of the day, this was an introduction to the character, and honestly... Well, I don't know much about the character. Again, a good portion of that was planned, I'm sure, but still... I would have liked to know more about Whitman.

All of that said, man, I really did enjoy this. A nice little way to begin your career, this was.

DC

Yeah, this RP worked perfectly for me. I loved this; I loved the dialogue, I loved the development, I even loved the doubting. At times, it feels like DC's the only sane one, in a world that seems so batshit nuts. DC's at his best, to me, when he's calling it all out. If I can further the point I made in my feedback to Slice; I don't know who Lindsey is. The difference is, you not only told me who she is, but you also told me why I should care about her, and how she affects DC. It's things like that which win matches, for me. This was a softer, a more toned down DC, but it didn't feel like he sacrificed his character, at all. In fact, I think it actually worked perfectly. I said to Blade that his dialogue reminded me of Tony Stark; this character reminds me very much of Tony Stark, actually. I will happily, happily take that any day, and I want to read more of this.

Dustin Hunter

Man, we've been discussing this so much, I really don't know what more to say.

This was a good start to the new direction; the only thing I can say is, keep working at this. The gimmick is going to only get better as you progress with it. I'd say throw yourself more into the gimmick. You can have him speak carny, you can make him work with more of the freaks. But most importantly, give yourself new facets to the gimmick. Keep using more description; often the best way to be menacing, is to actually look menacing. This starts the foundation, but keep building. Keep thinking of things that Dustin can do during RPs, to bring out his sadistic side

 

[Slice]

Mr. J. O'Material
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it, and also thanks for pointing that out; I think the issue is that I'm used to leaving things open-ended and following up in the next RP, so it can be a bit disorienting if you just read one. I tend to have a fear of info-dumping and that sometimes leads to me keeping to much info out. It comes from writing books (or trying to, at least) more than RP-style works I think XD I'll try to work on this, and make them work better as one-shots. Good advice!
10 random points

Dr. Zeus
(Note: I won't focus on typing errors or anything like that, of which I only saw one or two anyway and they didn't distract from the RP. Also, you might notice there aren't really any negatives; reason being that I feel like if you wrote it, you did so for a reason and I as the reader am along for the ride. I know that makes for terrible reviewing, but if you like hearing positive stuff, then boom! (also, it makes the fact that I do like hearing negative reviews of my own rps really really weird but whatever right))

I really enjoyed the entire prison segment. It felt like reading a book, which is something I like to do, so there ya go. The reveals are done in an even and nice pace and the whole bit just has an enjoyable rhythm to it. Speaking of rhythm, that could be an amazing segue to the last part of the rp, but I won't take it, that'd be too easy. So NEXT IN ORDER:

As someone who doesn't know all the characters and NPCs as well as I'd like (yet), seeing them and their relationships is a huge plus point for me personally. Also, your contrasting use of humor and matter-of-factness in this part was really fun (especially when Leon figures out how to decide who interviews Zeus).

I'm a big fan of using unconventional ways to convey what you have to and get your message and point about the match across. The book was clever and imaginative and I can see myself following the Doc to find out where the story goes (with what the book said now, as well as the prison part).
As I read through that last bit I kept thinking "wait, this reminds me of... What does this remind me of?" and then I got it, and I kicked myself for not realizing it earlier, and I was wagging my finger at you going "Well played, sir, well played."

Favorite bit of Description:

Dr. Zeus was more than obsessed with this concept; it was almost as if he was attempting to conjure one up. That, or trying to stop one. Dr. Porter lost his bearings, and began to feel the world spin around him. As he tried to steady himself, he turned around. He found that he was being stared at by Dr. Zeus. In fact, Dr. Zeus had been starting at him the whole time. Dr. Porter was paralyzed, with an unspeakable fear. Dr.Zeus stared at him with those blood shot eyes for what felt like hours, before he offered a wide smile to Dr. Porter.

I kind of felt it coming but it was expertly executed, and as an ending it both gave some answers and left me intrigued.


Favorite bit of dialogue:

"I'm pretty sure I have spider babies in my mouth. Seriously, who does this, who does this?"

I loled.


Interesting coincidence:
I've been working on an instrumental song I dubbed Tulpabulum (portmanteau of Tulpa and Pabulum), it was a nice surprise to bump into that notion here, unexpectedly. 10 bonus random points!



TL;DR Summary
All in all; enjoyable read, intriguing character and nicely developing plot. I'm definitely reading the next one (and previous ones too)!

 

[Con T.]

Titus

Welp, I think the big thing you really wanted to know is, "does this format work for you?"

And my response... Sort of.....?

I can see where you're going with it, and I think Titus is really, really well written. The running gag of who Titus is snogging with is hilarious. The old schtick that comedy comes best in threes is absolutely true.

The problem is, I don't care about the TMZ reporters. I'm sure a part of it is that they're parodic, but I just think they're so... Stupid, really. When Titus was saying they're just doing their job, I couldn't help but think, "their job is to annoy the fuck out of who they hunt down."

What works for this RP is Titus. Titus does a great job building the feud, Titus' dialogue is perfect, Titus is great in this RP. The problem is, Titus doesn't even feel like the star; these three bland characters that just make me kinda... Not care, frankly.

I get the feeling it was supposed to be parodic, and that Lee is too nice to really tell them to piss off. But if that's the case, I feel they should be more outrageous, more hyper aggressive, more yuppie. They don't come off that way to me, they just kind of come off bland.

Everything else is great about it. Again, Titus in this is awesome.

But, you are wondering about the format, and wanted to know if it works. My reply is this; it can work, because of you and the character. But that character has to be the star of the RP, not what is. I think you can make this work; it just felt flat to me.

Sorry if I'm being real critical, but I wanted to focus on the format

 

[Slice]

Grizzly Bob

TL;DR Summary
-Nice blend of fast pace and sufficiently fleshed-out description
-Classic turn of events = Thumbs Up
-Quick but nice bit of character development at the end


Favorite bit of Description:

Bob, on the other hand, flings his last bite of spicy beef jerky in the air, catches it with his teeth and gulps it down. With a stray pod of coriander lodged in his teeth he grins at Klamor, who smirks sarcastically and backs away an inch or two.

Nice use of contrast, and the second line there came out of nowhere- the first few sentences of the RP are much simpler and then suddenly a sweet line of brilliant description out of nowhere- ingeniously executed!

Favorite bit of dialogue:

Actually a toss-up between two-

Grizzly: Second best... not as manly... better beard... I’ll show them!

I don't wanna dissect it and kill the hidden humor, but it made me read again from the beginning just to be sure I didn't miss it, and yeah it was funny xD

and

Grizzly: Damn! You sure know your way around that stick!

Roy: You have no idea...

Simple but classic! xD


Review Wrap-up

I like how the description is simple but meaty at times, and the dialog keeps the whole RP moving nicely. This is the first Grizzly RP I've read, so I'll have to check out your other ones when I get a chance, but I like how this style somehow feels classic. The situations I think add to that the most. Some awesome lines throughout and a nice ending that shows Grizzly has learned something new about life, which is always a nice addition to a character's overall arch.

Good times!


-----------------------
-----------------------


Celeste

TL;DR Summary
-Engrossing First Person RP = Epicness
-Interactive writing; taking match results and breathing more life into them
-Dig into the last match as well as the upcoming one, and in-depth, too

Favorite bit of Description:

The sickening sound of the exploding table as it buckled underneath the ferocity of the madman’s assault rang like a cacophony in my ears. I cried out into the crowd, but my voice went unheard, drowned out by the raucous of the coliseum.

Stop it. Just stop it. That is too good.

Here's another one for good measure;

All he had known up to this point was cruel happiness; the bleak hollow elation found from seeing others suffer for his advancement.

Bringing up an interesting concept and explaining it eloquently all in one sentence? *applause*

Favorite bit of dialogue:

I know technically this doesn't count, but then again technically it does since it's written in first person (ok that didn't make any sense but just roll with it)

If you need someone by your side, then I would always be there. If you need someone to revel in your insanity, then I would always be there. If you need someone to dance with you on top of all the beaten and broken bodies that pile up beneath your feet, then I would be always, always be there.

Review Wrap-up
I've always liked the idea of going back to events of the show and using them as RP material; it makes not only the RP feel more relevant but it elevates said show itself by making it feel more real and interactive. And you infused tons of emotion and feeling into that part. It made me go back to read that part of the show to see how it all weaves together. Verdict; very nicely. That's how it weaves together. And speaking of weaving together (speaking of it too much; that's three times I've said it) the use of the journal to address the upcoming match was very nicely handled. Short but sweet, and using thoughts to fill up that part kept it fresh.

Nicely done!

 

[TheRealDC]

Dr. Zeus

Pros:

I liked the setup and the description towards making Dr. Z look like more of a patient killer then an outright mauler. Waiting for his prey to die, instead of wasting energy.

The squabble between the interviewers was a fun bit. Using them to convey the creepiness of Z through their own experience (and reluctancy to go) near him.

Cons:

I'm not sure exactly what to think if I saw this character in person. I like the lymric style, don't get this twisted. But to me, it's very confusing. I'll go back and read some other stuff but, the book didn't really drive home a point to me. I was excited when he started talking but I couldn't believe it was over on a bit of a weird note.

Don't post so fast. I know that advice may sound like the worst advice ever, but given a little more time I think there could have been a better resolve to the Nastie Wasties.

Overall: I did like it. I'm interested and I'll be sure to check in next RP to keep up. Good job, stay creative!

Derek Jacobs

Pros:

I do like sensitive subject plot devices. I like to see people push the comfort zone of others. PTSD is a serious issue that gets overlooked by the masses. Using this as an arch, on top of your very personal ties to it, I believe in the long run could help you out. Not just in a character development state either, personally help you out in dealing with things in life.

I like the real vibe I managed to get from the story being told. I had a friend who was killed overseas by an IED, and perspective is always something that has peaked my interest. I'm not a masochist, but I very much like to hear the first person account of what happened rather then be told. It's far more genuine, honest, and straightforward. It adds scale to something that usually is a "write off" piece to a reporter.

The struggle of comfort with Derek going to the group in the first place is also good. Far too often there are people (and I've been guilty too) who try something new for their character and dive right in. There's no conflict shown, they just are "that macho". Showing a frail side to a badass, fleshes out his reason without handicapping his impact.

Con:

After seeing that you had trouble writing this and the events that would later follow I cannot in good conscious call out the flaws. Just offer advice that I'm sure you would have touched up on had you had the time. A little more pacing and a little more promo.


[NOT A CON JUST A TIDBIT]
I barely know ya, but I feel for you man. Sorry for your loss. Hope your doing well despite it.


Dustin Hunter

Pros:

It's an interesting idea. Truthfully this is the first RP I've read of yours. I like the concept and the setup has potential.

The cane and the goal of messing everyone up is good. Unique.

However...

Cons:

You have to ditch the ICP references. They're a bit too overwhelming. I get it, I was a part of it for a while. The reason those guys have stayed in business is because of their originality. You're not doing yourself any favors by leeching off of that. It's there, and there is potential... You just need to think on your own two feet. I'm willing to give ya some input and further elaborate on it through PMs.


Alex Bowen

Pros:

I like the steady build and change within Alex Bowen. The doctor helping him through his change is a good touch and there is a concern on her side for his well being.

I liked that even though you didn't "cut a promo" you managed to talk enough about him to basically consider it an interview promo within a character development RP.

Cons:

The fight seemed a bit much. However on the flip side of it (I'm sneaking some props in here) Bowen did get his ass kicked. You've learned enough to not play the "super badass" card.

I don't like how you made reference to Matt Tastic clinging to his past and using it as a crutch. Only to turn around and force feed your accomplishments. It's almost hypocritical. If you call someone out on using their accomplishments as a crutch, you in turn cannot use your accomplishments as a crutch. Don't tell us who you are, tell us why you're better.

As much as you don't want to be a part of the Mayhem brand... You probably shouldn't talk about it so much (which falls into the above paragraph).

 

[Slice]

Bowen

TL;DR Summary
-Lots of Match talk
-Different locations keeps it moving/fresh
-Nice NPC choice

Favorite bit of Description:

Bowen cracks the knuckles on his right hand and balls it up into a tight fist. Scars, discoloration, permanent bruises are all front and center on his wrecking ball of a hand.

A quick way to say a whole lot with very little; this is the essence of what powerful description should do (in my opinion). Says a lot about his past as well as his current situation in just two sentences. BAM


Favorite bit of dialogue:

Here's two, actually:

"Well that escalated quickly" moment:

Be it the lumberjacks, or Mr. Tastic himself, I'm going to hurt someone. They are going to pick someone's teeth out of the canvas after one of my curb stomps.

Intense, boyyyyyy!

Also this;
"In yo FACE" moment:

He's not trained, and I'm not trying to see some kid die today because some asshole wanted to look tough in front of twelve dudes.

Basically what everyone should say to anyone acting like that, ever xD Just pure truth

Review Wrap-up

You talked a lot about the match which is of course awesome. Also it was done in a way that felt real enough and well-executed. Moving from one spot to the other was cool; very day-in-the-life-of-ey, if that makes sense. But you know, keeps showing different sides to Bowen, which is good character development.

Having an interesting and unique NPC is a hard thing to do; this kind of reminded me of Karate Kid (the original because it RULES) but slightly more... realistic? And it's nice to see him contrasting at the beginning between ready to pounce mode and happy hug-times. Adds even more depth to the character.

All in all: MARKOUTMODE:ON

*cheers*

 

[Blade]

Krypto:

- For some reason I'm not entirely sure of, I haven't read a Krypto RP since I came back, so this will be my first time. Be gentle.

- The "BOTH SHALL BE SMASHED LINE" was hilarious. Although, I didn't think Facecrush would have such good spelling.

- The back and forth between Krypto and the Beard is really funny. They way you write Krypto's dialogue makes me imagine him being totally unaware and nonchalant in that odd situation, which just makes it better.

- While Krypto's 'plan' for taking out Facecrush was done for comedic purposes, the way his mind works makes me think Krypto could be a really dark and awesome heel, if you ever decide to turn him in the future.

- Yeah, WZCW RP's have really started jumping the shark lately.

-

hopefully it will be explained in a future RP as a central plot point.

If that was a subtle tribute to the 'Central Plot Point' joke that was done in the Muppets Movie, then awesome. Otherwise, meh.

- Overall, it was a pretty entertaining comedy RP. Admittedly, there were a few groan-inducing jokes, but there's some in every comedy RP.



Dr. Zeus:

- So much backstory. I remember the first time I gave you feedback, I said you should pace yourself more when it comes to backstory so you don't run out quickly. But you seem to still be going strong with it, so fair play.

- Looking at your character from a different character's perspective is a really cool technique. Although, if you wanna get deep and shit about it, between Dorian this round, and Dr.Porter in the last, I don't feel like I know enough about these characters you introduce every round to put their experiences into a context in terms of learning about Zeus as a character. If that makes any sense We're learning about Zeus and his perception and interaction with the world around him, but we're not learning as much as we should be based on how much effort you're putting into his backstory. Sorry for the rant.

- I still think your RP's are too long for my tastes, but RP length is something that's very subjective in the fed. If you feel comfortable RPing these epic sagas, then stick with them, especially since you're still undefeated.

- You've done the rhyming thing more consistently than any other RPer before you. Nice work

- You have a real talent for description, but at the same time, I'm of the school of thought that less is more when it comes to description, but you tend to go all out, so it can feel a bit like overkill to me at times.

- I know it seems like I've criticised this RP quite a bit in this batch of feedback, but in truth I thoroughly enjoyed it, and you certainly deserve the win. It just seems like no one ever says a bad word about your work, which is the worst thing that can happen to an RPer who's just starting out, cause you can get lazy from it. So this feedback was me just throwing out a few things I think you should work on, though whether or not you do is entirely up to you, since you've done well so far. But it's just to bring you back down to Earth


Feedback will be up for Bear when he, y'know, posts his RP...