RP Feedback Thread

[Johnny Scumm]

If my calculations are correct, I've got another 15 wrestlers to feedback on. So, we'll start where I left off, the Mayhem Title match & Vega.

Vega

- I love the layout, first thing I notice is that it's totally different to anything else. You don't seem to think that Vega's out of his comfort zone here, seeing as it isn't Mayhem Rules, but Flying Saucer rules.
- Spelling Saboteur as "Sabatour" really threw me there. Spelling mistakes, especially those of roster members really kills things.
- The flashback story is, well, amazing. It's gritty, disturbing and just downright gripping. This put the RP right up above your opponents in my eyes. It's a great piece of writing.

Saboteur

- Not read one of your RP's in a very long while, so I'm looking forward to 1) seeing how you've progressed & 2) to see if they're still as funny.
- First thing I've picked up, the description's allowing me to picture it. So far reading through RP's, it's been about half & half on the description used and how well it's allowed me to imagine different scenes and your description really does that.
- When does “Saboteur Goes on an Awesome Adventure where he Destroys a Secret Government Facility Testing Weaponized Sprinkles on Monkeys and then Makes Out with a Hot Blond with Big Boobs.” come out in Cinemas? Oh wait, straight to DVD. Yeah, I'm laughing already.
- Saboteur doesn't know who Leon Kensworth is? I don't believe that. You spelt "black" wrong once and like I've said, it does make things look out of place.
- I was looking for some kind of Anglo-Saxon/Action Saxtion joke, but I can't even think of one of the top of my head.
- The Dog & a Baby video is officially the best part of any RP to ever exist. I genuinely "lol'ed" when I saw that.
- "Saboteur: Really?! Nobody ever gives me feedback! Thanks Saxton!" Well, here you go. This isn't feedback, merely me pointing everything that's awesome with this RP out.
- Your use of humor is the best out of the entire roster. You take us on this brilliant story that just doesn't stop making me laugh.
- There's a mention of the Title match in there, but you don't need it with the story that you've created. Sitting here, I've not read Doc's/Theo/Gents RP's, but I think you could win the titles on your own.

Action Saxton
- This goes out to both you & JGlass. I love that you've taken on the "Who's gonna write what" thing here. JGlass gets the pre-interview and you've got the interview. I wouldn't be surprised if you were working together to write each others lines in your RPs, that would be just as good.
- It's nothing major, but I'd have used red for Kensworth's speech, I remember somebody telling me that once in feedback for one of my Scumm RP's, using the reason "it's his colour on Aftershock".
- This addressing of the Tag Title Match is what I was looking for in Saboteur's RP, but now I've seen what you're doing, it makes total sense.
- The two of you have pulled out brilliant RP's, just as usual. The fact that you're still collaborating to produce work of this quality is great and I'd love to see you win the Tag Titles and hold them longer than any other team has previously.

The Beard

- Theo my good man, it's been a while. The ideas in the first part of this RP are good, I see what you're doing with them and I think they come across pretty well. Nice working humour, but you're edged out by the real SaboSax just that little bit.
- It's nice to see this serious side of Beard being used, I'd assume that it comes out more than the funny side, I mean, look at the man!
- Your use of both Beard & Gent is great, you've really got a hold of your own character and being in a tag team has helped you come along nicely since the debut & partnership with TLT.
- You & your partner are two completely different characters, but you've worked through it nicely.

Le Gentleman Masque

- I'll be honest with you right now, I do prefer your RP to The Beard. Lovely description at the intro, can picture it completely.
- Some great talk between the team, especially when you're looking back on what you've been able to do as singles wrestlers/other tag teams.
- This RP just seems calm, it's totally different to the other three, which makes it stand out in a different way. It's a good thing though, don't worry.
- Overall, you & Beards RP's up against the RP's of SaboSax may not live up to the fight, which is a shame, because you come over as a great team.

Titus
- This is going to seem like a total cop out in terms of feedback, but when I was in the Discussion Thread, I said that I wanted to see the Titus that's on top form. I wanted to see the Titus that puts in all of his best & then some. Quite simply put, that's exactly what I've seen here. This is going to be one hell of a fight.

Chris K.O

- You are up against a huge opponent in Titus & I love Titus' RP. You've been all over everything since I disappeared. You were the White Knight and now... you're not.
- It's a good RP, I can't deny that. It's got a grit to it and that's something that you obviously didn't get with White Knight Chris.
- The character change has helped, that's for sure.
- The finish of the RP is the best part of it. I hope that you're going to open up a whole story with this.
- It's a great RP here Kermit, I'm tending to lean in the direction of Titus, but you'll be fighting all the way.

Justin Cooper

- The last time I was around, you were the Mayhem Champ, then you kinda floated. However, you're in a great position now and most definitely in a violent feud.
- Four parts of speech as Cooper, but your use of Constantine is great.
- You're in the 50% of people that use the top-notch description in their RP's.
- I think the best line in the entire RP is "Barbosa and S.H.I.T will not walk out of All or Nothing." You don't finish it with "As winners". It's simply, they will not walk out of AoN. It's a great line if you catch it.
- First RP from The Empire and you're standing strong. Let's check out the partner.

Alex Bowen

- Oh hey description. Lovely start.
- Just like with Saxton, I know it sounds like me being petty, but it'd be great if you kept with the colours Cooper used.
- The last line in your RP could be misconstrued by those with the most immature minds, but there's also no space between the last two lines, format error?
- Combining this with the RP from Cooper, it's a good effort from The Empire. But there's two opponents you've gotta take on.

Barbosa

- You're inventive. The use of all these personalities has always been a great thing to read and this is the first RP of yours I've read since I returned, it's nice to see you've not lost it.
- I automatically assume your RP is going to be super serious and then I run into "Immediately, he is happy to find that many of the older paper records are still in tact as his computer hacking skills are as useless as Ricky Runn's insurance premiums are high." Great line.
- Why do you use that massive line of X's? Something I've wondered.
- Not using S.H.I.T for speech is different, but having him there in appearance is the right touch.
- A strong showing from one half of Barboshit. Good luck with it.

SHIT

- Your name still humours me.
- I'm not sure what I think of the RP in some senses. The parts where you use the speech that Barbosa has used, but put a different description in between the lines, I'm not sure if it'll stick.
- This however, is a good RP. It's most definitely descriptive and also, has a brilliant finishing line.
- To me, I think that Barbosa edges your RP, but I do also think that the two of you can take The Empire down.

Rush

- Quoting Moby Dick is a nice touch to begin with. It's also nice to keep on throughout the RP.
- I love how you talk about Rush like he really is "the one". It's a strong dialogue that you've got throughout and your first person work is without doubt the best I've read today.
- I feel like there's something missing here, but I'd be damned if I could put my finger on it. I'm not sure what it is, but I just feel like there's something missing.
- If the Moby Dick quotes weren't in the RP, I could picture this being a brilliant promo in the middle of the ring. With the Moby Dick quotes, I don't see how this could work. Wait, I've found what's missing. Some form of, even very small amounts of description. I've been told many times to let your audience know where you are, what the backdrop is. I can only vaguely imagine Rush sitting in an armchair talking & then reading from a book.
- Good RP though here Merkley.

Matt Tastic

- That's a lot of flashback there. But, with each line of description that you use, it brings the story to life. It brings us to this moment, the big match, the last chance you may have at the EurAsian Title.
- I'm a little confused, are the *Huff*Huff* moments Matt breathing heavily, or making the quiet laughing noises? Sorry, reading on I see it's catching breath. You're really putting Tastic through it here!
- I've picked up on a huge mistake running through the RP and it's a real shame, but when you notice it, it's hard to not realise. When Alisha first tells you about the kid in the Hospital, Alisha constantly calls the kid a "he".

Alisha: No, it's not that. See, he got a call from the Make-A-Wish Foundation. There's a kid in the hospital who wants to see you. He was in a car crash several weeks ago and is paralyzed from the waist down. Apparently he's a big fan of yours. He's supposed to be in the same hospital. Go over for a while. We can talk about what the doctor told you when you get back, OK? Bye.

However, when you find the kid, this happens;

He walks in to see a young girl.

It's a shame this happened, but it did really throw me off. I had to do a double take because I wasn't sure if I was reading it wrong or if it was a genuine mistake. This is a big example of why everyone should proofread.
- However, mistake aside, the Hospital scene is great. You use the kid as a kind of step for Matt, for him to realise what effect his career has had on those who watch WZCW. It's a nice piece. Who done that drawing by the way? It's cool.
- Finally, a short promo from Tastic, done perfectly. If that mistake wasn't there, I'd have called this the perfect RP, but that is a slight hinderance. I still have all faith in you becoming the new champ though.

Celeste Crimson

- Chance on the line here to win your first ever piece of Gold, I know before I even start to read this it's gonna be good.
- Sandy & Celeste work really well together. Whether you & Fapplejack work together with it or you just take it unto yourself, I really like their pairing.
- You had to win a Four-way to become the contender to the title and now one man stands in your way. You do very well to address and it comes off so naturally. You make her sound like a true fighter. The one piece of description I wouldn't have used was Celeste's voice dropping an octave, mainly because we've no idea what tone of voice she was using beforehand, so she could've sounded like Celeste-Ki.
- I do like this RP though, you've put in a great conversation and followed it up with an even better promo. That first piece of gold may be in reach now.

Sam Smith

- My last piece of feedback. I miss The Local Talent, but Smith is definitely your greater character. He seems pissed, but in a way I can't describe.
- Are you using everything falling down around Smith as the reason for him being such a bad person? That's how it comes across to me, but I'm not too sure if it's what you're doing.
- The dream part would've been great if it happened, I dislike anywhere that goes "It was a dream", that's why I hate Fight Club.
- Your RP is longer than I expected at first, but it works all the same, even though I wish it didn't end where it did because I'd love to see where that went.
- Good luck for the Pay Per View, you've got a bloody good opponent though.

And there's my feedback, like I said, for everyone.

 

[ABMorales787]

Rush/Merk

I prefer your monologues to deeper stories like the one where Rush is at a funeral, I believe (from the previous round if memory serves). Rush is supposed to be an advocate of the old-school. When I think old school, think those promo's with the logo-filled background and the wrestler talking smack about his current rival rather than a complex backstage bit. Think Undertaker or Warrior or Hogan promos from back in the 80's to early 90's. The monologues go straight to the point and cut through the developmental and sentimental BS from modern promo's with enforces Rush's persona. As for this work, the whole RP was devoted so saying I was chasing a "big white whale" like the obsessive Capt. Ahab. Ouch. I feel I have the edge given I developed an injury story over the course of the series, but then again it's not the first time I think I have a match in the bag and then facepalm when the show goes up. But having confidence is always nice. Regardless, I got what I wanted the most and that was long, developed feud.

Vega/Infinity

The thing I noticed was how difficult reading the narrative was due to it being gray. Use something that sticks out or leave it black. I'd much rather bold it rather than color due to detailing the surroundings being pretty important. Another thing is that after the bit in the park, the rest didn't seem necessary at all. Probably would've been better off saving it for another RP. I realize the need or desire to tell a story for your character, but it does come off as filler when there's nothing related to WZCW on it. I'm not saying "stop it", but I am saying it would be better to pace that stuff. It might lead to a loss if your RP is mostly a talltale against one that details and furthers the feud you are involved in.

Alhazred/Skull

Holy shit

Here's a nominee for the "Best Bowel Movement" at the 2013 EOY Awards. That was short, sweet and absolutely hilarious. The the amount of bolded narration seems a bit too much. Mostly because it's almost all black with just 2 bits of dialog.

 

[Ty Burna]

Alright, gonna knock out the feedback I owe here.

Mason Westhoff

This felt disjointed, probably the best way for me to describe it. Mason walking through the past of the New Church didn't have the impact that it should have in my opinion, and I think it's a lack of perceived emotion in the RP that's hurting it in my eyes. Going with no description makes it far more difficult to convey those emotions that Mason is going through. I get what you were going for with this RP, but Harthan does something similar with a first person RP for Drake Callahan, and you can see where his inner monologue ties in beautifully with his description. I think just adding in that bit of description would have given this RP more meat to work with, and this ending didn't have quite the punch. I'm rambling a bit but I'm honestly not sure what to tell you on this. I didn't have a real good reading flow in my head when going over it, and it feels a lot is missing from it.

Celeste Crimson

This was great, with such little build for your match you took the perfect route to create tension there and purpose for Celeste other then merely winning the Elite X title. As one of the few left that remember Celeste way back in the day, the comparison to what Sam Smith is now is eerie but a great point. It's interesting that Sandy decided not to get into a psychological discussion with her tag team partner, though that could lead to some serious tension between the team if that were to happen. The second part seems to mirror what Celeste has already contemplated in the first part, only apmlified of course for the fans. You've been chasing a title for a long time. Excellent work, I have no complaints and I think this is gonna be a tight match.

Sam Smith

This was excellent, let me get that out of the way first and foremost. You parlayed Smith hitting rock bottom in his personal life almost perfectly, the parallel lives he's living was on display here, the height of his professional career seemingly sacrificing his personal life at the same time. Your descriptions have improved greatly, and it really made this RP a winner. The voice mail from Smith's brother really hammered the point home that Sam no longer wants to rely on anyone, yet the hypocrisy of him teaming with Rush to take out WZCW is deliciously evil. A great open ending leaves us with more of the Chelsea/Sam story even when it seemingly ended. This leaves Smith with a lot of options character wise, will he fall deeper into the pit that he's created, or will this be the one last grasp by Chelsea to bring him back?

Saboteur

You and Doc work so well as a team it's almost scary. The whole RP was hilarious, beginning with the lack of reading comprehension, the agent, the Internet search, awesome. While you didn't talk about your opponents, it was all about the setup for the interview with Kensworth and it worked perfectly. Not much else to say, I enjoyed the hell out of your RP along with Doc's.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Pre-Show Battle Royal​

Ricky Runn
- I love that you are embracing the bad luck aspect that’s been given to you. I can see why you didn’t like it at first, but when you get an opportunity like that at an angle for your character, you have to run with it. (No pun intended)
- You did a good job of mentioning your opponents in a way that wasn’t tedious or annoying, which is a challenge for this type of match.
- I felt like you didn’t go as far as you could have with the scenario, but it was still a good RP.

Thrash
- I can’t remember if I said this when you sent it to me, but the opening section doesn’t fit in well with the rest of the RP. Backstory is good, backstory for no reason, not so much.
- Glad you re-wrote Klamor, he’s much more in character now.
- Even without the formatting error, the section where you talk about your opponents is bad. You just have 2 giant blocks of text and ramble them off. In big, multi-man matches like these, you either need to come up with some sort of gimmick like Pancake did to make talking about your opponents interesting, or don’t do it at all.

Jimmy Flynn
- The way you listed the opponents was a bit painful, but could have been worse.
- I sat here for 15 minutes trying to come up with more specifics, but I couldn’t and I think that’s the issue with this RP. It came, it went, but there isn’t anything remarkable about it. There isn’t anything really bad about it, but there isn’t really anything that great either. It’s just sort of there. I might be missing something since I don’t regularly read your RPs, and if there is, I apologize and please let me know.

Dustin Hunter
- The first sentence has a misspelling and is a run-on. That is the absolute worst way you can start an RP.
- SO MANY CAPS
- You made the same mistake of Thrash with listing off your opponents. At least you had the decency to keep it out of giant text blocks though.
- There is a nice story started here with you and Katie. Don’t get discouraged after two matches; you definitely have some potential once you polish up your writing a bit.

Brent Blaze
- I don’t know if this is what you intended or if it is the gimmick, but this guy seems completely nuts. Laughing at his own jokes, throwing his phone across the room, yelling at his cereal, etc.
- The text message from Dustin was weird. It seems out of character for him, you guys are opponents this week and were last week, and there isn’t any connection between the two of you. Seems like a waste to ask permission for a cameo then just do that.
- Similar to Hunter, you started a base for a story with Alexis that you should be able to work with for a few rounds. Keep up with that as this RP wasn’t bad.

Sandy Deserts
- You spell tires with a “y” in Australia? Not trying to be a dick, it’s a legitimate question.
- You did a great job portraying emotion from Kurtesy without having to use speech. That’s not easy to do, but you did it expertly here.
- I appreciate you leaving your opponents out rather than forcing them into the RP where they wouldn’t fit.
- I really enjoyed this. It was well-written and gave good insight into the character of Sandy. Nice work.

Connor Reese
- The first section was a bit hard to follow, and I think you missed tagging a line of dialogue in one of the bigger paragraphs. There was some missed punctuation too, but that wasn’t as much of an issue.
- Having your character wrestling elsewhere is an interesting approach. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that.
-The interactions with Kroeger seemed a bit out of character until the end, where it seemed as though Connor intentionally and seriously injured him. If I understood it correctly, it was a nice swerve and helped to cover for how much of a face Connor came off as.
- Character development is always a solid path to go down for something like a battle royal. Nothing outstanding here, but a solid RP nonetheless.

Mister Alhazred
- This was absolutely hilarious. I loved it.

My vote: Either Ricky or Sandy win this for me. Alhazred may have been the most hilarious RP I’ve ever seen in WZCW though.

 

[Thriller Ant]

#1 Contender Match​

Steven Holmes
- This is the Steven Holmes I want to see. He’s rich and evil and has no problem using either of those traits to get what he wants.
- There is some excellent intrigue with you leaving out how Holmes knows so much about Jimmy. With the benefit of having already read the show, I hope you continue to use Jimmy as there is plenty of potential there.
- The only real negative I can come up with is that as excellent as your description was throughout, I would’ve loved for you to really paint a picture of the diner. You could’ve really used that to help reinforce the idea that Jimmy was having financial issues if, for example, the wallpaper was peeling, chair cushions were torn up, or other things to that effect.
- This RP was great. You really used Holmes’ gimmick to perfection and brought in your opponent organically and seamlessly.

Triple X
- I really enjoyed the promo with Becky. Great emotion and content. I think somewhere else in feedback I told someone with a promo this long that it was too long, but it felt much shorter than it actually is, which is good in this case.
- Reflecting back to what Becky whispered to end it was a very nice ending and I liked that you went back to that.
- The miss for me was the section with Triple X’s dad. Once again, I don’t read many RPs week to week so I might be missing something, but it didn’t really seem to fit in well with what I was getting out of the rest of the RP.
- This was a good RP. As I said, I wasn’t a huge fan of the section with his dad, but it wasn’t anything that really crippled the RP.

My vote: Holmes knocked this out of the park. It would’ve taken something incredible to beat him, and Triple X didn’t quite have that this week.

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Mason Westhoff

I liked the monologue style you did here. Usually I don't like that style but it worked for you. Also you brought up Mikey in a perfect way, It didn't seem forced at all which is always good and something I need to learn to do with my opponents. Also having everything be one color worked for me and made things much easier to read.

The only thing I didn't like in this was how it was basically just a long hit list. The whole thing was just one long promo to me and there was really no RP in this. I don't know if that's really a bad thing but it's something I personally didn't like. None the less this was all good together good and i'm glad to see you won your match at AoN.

Sorry if this wasn't much help, Still new to giving feedback but I tried and i'm still battling a hangover so next time i'll do better.

 

[Thriller Ant]

So here are a few thoughts on all of the RPs this round, along with a letter grade because I thought that would be fun. If you have any specific questions, feel free to PM me and I'll get back to you.



Krypto
- You did a great job balancing the goofy and serious sides of the character. The fact that he enjoys pain is an interesting development, and I’m curious to see what comes of the fascination with the Power Glove. B

Thrash
- I feel like all the backstory stuff you’ve been doing could’ve easily been compacted into one RP, which actually would’ve been perfect for this round. I know it’s tough writing with no storyline, but you aren’t giving Creative much to work with. The part about the roulette rounds at the end felt forced. D+

Barbosa
- I’ll say the same thing to S.H.I.T., but both of you are doing an excellent job of getting into the minds of your characters. Neither character should be able to make sense of the other, and that is portrayed beautifully. I would’ve liked to hear the inner thoughts of Barbosa instead of S.H.I.T. at the end, but this was very enjoyable. A-

The Beard
- I get what you were going with by going to Disney, but this seemed disjointed to me. The start didn’t flow well, and while the end with the two men talking was better, it felt more like two RPs pushed together rather than an RP with two sections. Also, the yellow is almost impossible to read. C

Sandy Deserts
- This was kind of cool looking at all three aspects of Sandy. The problem is that for me, the only of those three that is really interesting to me right now is “the person” and it looks like you’ll be writing the Professor out. As much as I didn’t want to, I kind of enjoyed the clichés and puns at the end. B

Brent Blaze
- This came off like a face promo to me. If you want to make him be delusional in addressing the fans, make sure you go really over the top with it or you end up like this. There were also a few noticeable misspellings. The Alexis stuff still has me hooked though. C

Celeste Crimson
- Moping only has one “p.” It wouldn’t have been a big deal, but you did it twice. This was short, even by my standards, but you did leave me with a sense of intrigue about Celeste’s future. B-

Jimmy Flynn
- I think I had the same issue the last time I read one of your RPs, but there is something about Jimmy that comes off heelish every time to me. This was short also, but you packed a good amount of content in there. B-

S.H.I.T.
- That is a bitch to type. To be honest, I haven't read a S.H.I.T RP in a while, and I really enjoyed this one. You do a nice job of keeping him a robot while also giving him thoughts and emotions. The story was enjoyable and not as hard to follow as it looked to be when I first skimmed the thread. Also, there was a bit for you in Barbosa’s feedback. A

Drake Callahan
- I came into this concerned because you mentioned the cursing in the Discussion thread, but I think it was fine. Feuding with Califa should be good for you as Drake was close to getting lost in the shuffle. You conveyed the emotion of the characters well and made me concerned for what Drake will do when he finds out who is under the mask. A-

Sam Smith
- I gave you feedback in that PM. My only concern is the quote, but I love the rest. A

Ricky Runn
- I love accident-prone Ricky. You did a potentially cliché RP, but you did a good job of making it work for your character. I would’ve like some sort of mention of WZCW besides the cameos at the wedding though. B

Dustin Hunter
- Use a color other than navy next time; you can’t really differentiate it too much from black. The flashback was good, but I feel like you didn’t really connect it to the promo part at the end. Flashbacks and the like are good, but make sure they have a purpose other than a brief mention. You’re still doing well for a rookie, keep your head up. C

Steven Holmes
- I enjoyed seeing the interaction between the brothers. As much as I can’t wait to see what you do with Erik, the ending has me more intrigued. A-

Mason Westhoff
- Best RP of the round. A+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Grand Mystique
- I also talked to you in PM. I was glad to see you use Derek, I feel like that was an opportunity that neither of us had been taking advantage of. B+

Connor Reese
- I will be honest: I though the audio RP was nothing more than a dumb gimmick at first. It definitely added to this, however. I’ve been saying this a lot, but I am curious to see where you are going from here with Connor. B-

Constantine
- Again with the yellow font. This is something I think you’ve gotten away from on multiple occasions with Constantine: have him go off on a rant like a politician, because that’s what he is. I don’t know how I feel about another heel crying conspiracy, but this wasn’t bad. B-

Alex Bowen
- This was a nice look into Alex Bowen, but all I could think afterward was “so what?” A drug addict sneaks drugs on the plane, does them, and is an asshole. RPs like this can work, but they need to show us something we didn’t know about the character or lead somewhere. I feel like this did neither. C-

El Califa Dragon
- This was…wow. It definitely wasn’t bad, and it is clearly leading toward something, but as a standalone, it was a bit crazy. I’m not sure what to think, to be honest. B

Mikey Stormrage
- If you had written this for AON, you would’ve beaten me and Numbers, no question. I know that’s not much consolation, but this is really good. Like I told you then, balancing the comedic and serious aspects of Mikey can be tough and that’s what cost you last week. If you can get a grasp on it, like you seemed to this week, you can be unstoppable. A

Saboteur
- You and Doc are probably the only two on the roster that can pull of an RP like this. The yellow hurt to read after a while, but I laughed out loud a couple times. A-

Triple X
- I thought you would build more off of what happened to you at All of Nothing. Not to say this wasn’t good, because it was, but it took me by surprise. I don’t want to be the one to face Triple X this week with all of that anger. B+

Showtime
- The cell phone stuff has me interested, but the rest of it seemed kind of paint by numbers for me. Besides the breaking of the 4th wall, which doesn’t do much for me, Showtime pretty much said exactly what you’d expect him to say. B-

Vega
- You definitely have me wanting to read your next RP. Roulette rounds are a good time to use an RP like this, but like I said with Ricky, I would’ve have liked it to tie back to WZCW somehow. B

Le Gentleman Masque
- This was pretty funny and did well to show the dynamic between you and Beard. Not much substance here, but it wasn’t pointless by any means. B-

Chris K.O.
- Keep an eye on your formatting. There were a couple mistakes, and the demon’s color was very close to Chris’. I love the religious imagery and it really does feel as though that Chris believes everything he says, even though it seems he is drifting farther and farther from reality. B+

Justin Cooper
- I see the parallel you were trying to draw, but I think it was just a bit too much of a stretch for me. I know you had the issue of Phatso’s situation for this round, but this was a miss for me. AND WHAT IS EVERYONE’S OBSESSION WITH THE FREAKING YELLOW FONT C

Action Saxton
- I think I liked yours a bit better than J’s, but not by much. Hilarious as always. A-

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Mason Westhoff:
I liked this RP, It was almost the anticliche Vegas RP the way you did it and I haven't seen anybody else do that so it works.
The way you wrote the drunk guys speech was a small thing but a good thing because some people may not think to have him slur his words or anything like that.
You handled the transition into the promo well, One compliant I have is you really didn't have Mason show any emotion throughout the whole thing. I haven't been around here that long so I don't know if that was planned or not but to me I read everything in sort of a monotone voice.

 

[Miko]

Feedback for Thriller:

A new spin on an old idea, and I think in that sense you put over what you meant to quite well, I guess this is a very here and now, focus on this moment in time RP which in all honesty I can’t really feedback to well because I don’t tend to write them, basically Westhoff says he has the advantage because he’s never off his guard, like I say, I think you made the point quite well.

I figured this would be a chance to delve into, or at least remind us a bit about Westhoff’s past and while you went into a tad, it wasn’t enough for me. There was also nothing for me, as a new reader, to really get my teeth into, interacting with the drunk was a nice touch, but if you’re trying to put over that Westhoff is an unyielding rod of iron, sometimes it’s best to go to town on with it. I always try to offer something for new readers and followers alike, I try to make it interesting and probably over explain for newer readers while including something funny or dramatic to get them hooked so they’ll know what’s going on and include tidbits and phrases that the older followers will recognise. I am not claiming to do either well by the way, but basically I want people to follow my RP’s and be interested regardless of what my character is doing on the show. This felt like it was explicitly designed for the roulette round and while it honestly is good for that and some would argue that’s the whole point, now that I’ve read this one I’ll have to be kicked to read the next or would have to seek it out to do feedback.

Like I said above, and this is the point I really want to re-iterate, if the point was to make Westhoff seem like an unyielding rod of iron then go to town on the idea, you’re a heel, make me roll my eyes at his attitude and hate him for what he does. I’ll come back for more if you do.

 

[BK Styles]

Sam Smith (Crock)

(I'm starting with you because I've owed you feedback for like a year (well, not really, but for a few rounds at least). Other than yours, I'll be doing them in the order I was asked. I'm also going to start giving my own personal grade onto RP's, from 1 to 10. Just because I can.)

- The opening scene sets the story for this match perfectly, and makes it so much more important than just a match that was put together. The back and forth between Constantine is well-written. You and Dave clearly worked on this as both characters are there in their entirety, and it's cool to see two guys facing each other work with each-other on something they can both use in their RP's.

-Further on that point, you've made me, someone who has nothing to do with this match, care about the outcome just by reading this first section, which automatically makes this RP a success.

- Giving a brief history of your character, especially when you've done it before, can be repetitive and, as a result, a bit dull, but you make it different enough every time, and relate it perfectly to your characters current situation that it isn't an issue at all. Very impressively written too, considering there's no dialogue in it. Good stuff.

- The last section feels a little short, but it's a nice little flashback to when Scott and Sam got on. It continues the story of Sam's relationship with his brother, and while it doesn't progress it as such, it gives us a look into how things weren't always how they are now. If there were one complaint, it'd be that this part feels a little shoe-horned on, so to continue Smith's relationship issues with his family. It's a short section that doesn't really advance anything, and while I don't think it takes anything away from this RP, I'd say it could have had a bit more to it.


But that is me bing very picky. Dave's put out a very strong showing this week, which will really test you, and I'd be hard-pressed to choose between the two were I a member of creative. But there's nothing here that'd make me not pick yours, either, and you have every chance of picking up the win here. This is incredibly solid and another consistently strong showing; you've got better RP's in your locker in my opinion, but there's nothing wrong with this at all. Great read mate; I really, really liked this.

BK's Grade: 8/10

 

[BK Styles]

Donny J (Hyorinmaru/Milenko)


- Don't take this the wrong way, but for someone who's been in the fed before, your grammar and punctuation is incredibly disappointing. When there's a slight mistake in the first few sentences of your debut RP ("The camera turn on"), it sets a bad tone. You've got a tough enough challenge as it is by going up against Ty, shit like this doesn't help.

- "...as Donny J stares at her with a blank look on his as he grabs her beer..." Where I've bolded, I'm sure the word 'face' should be there. Again, missing things like that, especially when you had the extra time to work on your RP and check it over, isn't good. It comes off as a bit lazy and not a very good first (or third-first) impression.

- Okay, so he's selling weed, and he's in it for the money. What else? After how much you've talked about this character in the Discussion thread, I was expecting a bit more in terms of his character. How does any of this play to his strengths. Why is he going to win? Just because Dragon was in a submission match? I'd take a slightly battered Dragon over a slightly drunk and weeded-up Donny J any day, purely because you haven't given me a reason to.

- A positive; I like your lay-out. Apart from Stella's yellow, it's a bit hard to read. But it looks clean and crisp, and it makes it easier to read and, more importantly, it makes me want to read it.

- " Donny looks up at Stella and still bagging weed he starts arguing with her telling she is staying in this house and not going anywhere." What was the point of this line? Why haven't you just typed this out? You have Stella speak immediately after this, so why not just type out his rant? I don't get that.

- I get the character after reading this. You've set it up, which is a good thing. But I'll be honest, you haven't sold the character to me in terms of one I want to read each week.


This RP was very questionable. I'm glad to see you giving the fed another go, and I do feel bad for the flack you get. But this RP doesn't do your cause any favors. It has a nice look to it, but there are odd words missing, sentences in dire need for punctuation, and all I get is that a low-life redneck weed-dealer is going to win because the other guy was in a submission match two weeks ago, and because Donny J isn't backing down. That really doesn't sell it for me at all, to be honest. To be blunt, against anyone else you'd struggle with this RP, but you're going against one of the best RPers ever in this company who, if you've read his recent RP's, you'll know is hitting them out of the park in recent times.

I'm sorry this was so harsh man, but for someone with your experience who had an extra day to work on it, his should have been a hell of a lot better, and I'm a bit disappointed.

BK's Grade: 4/10

 

[The Crock]

Triple X (BK):

• I really dug the opening with the masked man. It helps delve deeper into your character and I'm a sucker for that kind of thing. The internal struggle between X and his self-doubt is really well written, though.
• It's nothing big, but there's a few small typos. "Form" instead of "from," that kind of thing.
• The initial description of the graveyard is really nice, I just don't know if I'm a fan of the transition into talking about WZCW. It's logical -- you go from the promise to beat Holmes, to Rush/Westhoff -- but it doesn't feel smooth.
• The discussion between Faith/X flowed well. It was nothing special, but it served its purpose here.
• The ending between Mikey and X served as a nice bridge to link them together for their match this week, as well.
• This was a solid RP, but it just seemed to be running through the motions. It was well-written and a good read, but it wasn't much to separate you from the pack. Still, I liked it.

I'll get feedback for the others up later/tomorrow.

 

[BK Styles]

The Sacrificial Altar (Numbers and Thriller)


(I figured I might as well put my feedback for you guys together as you're teaming up. Also, congrats on the result on Meltdown; I've gotta be honest, I wasn't really feeling it with my RP and had a bad feeling once I'd read both of yours. I thought Yaz did the business with his RP, but I'm not surprised at all that your RP's as a tandem got the win. )

Numbers

- I think it was in the Kingdom Come prediction thread where it was said you've been incredibly consistent with GM. I certainly wouldn't argue this point.

- I know Remix berates your formatting, but personally there's nothing at all wrong with it.

- I like how Derek Jacbos has been kept in the mix, even just with a small part at the beginning.

- Your dialogue is damn good. It flows nicely and gives each character a definitive voice.

- I envy your descriptions. They set the scene perfectly. When I write RP's I usually start with decent descriptions, but they deteriorate as I go through. Yours though, they stay consistent and detailed all the way through.


There isn't much to say here to be honest. Good, solid RP here, that makes TSA look pretty dangerous and calculating.

BK's Rating: 8/10


Thriller

- Your RP's are the definition of short and sweet. This was no exception, though I'd actually consider this quite long for you!

- Again, as with Numbers, you manage to give each character a unique voice, whihc is vitally important in getting the characters across.

- GM not speaking here was interesting, as it firmly shifts attention to Westhoff. I'd normally question why he isn't speaking, but with this coming directly after your partners RP, it works.

- This really isn't bad at all, but it feels like an extension of Numbers, as if he'd forgotten something at the end of his and this is that bit. And that hurts it for me; there's no real unique voice to it. It feels like perhaps it's missing a section, something after the interview, maybe?

With Numbers' RP, this is a decent effort that compliments his well. But on it's own it doesn't cut it for me. You need his to go with this for it to work, and my personal preference is that RP's (even in tag teams) should be able to stand on their own two feet without another next to it. Numbers' RP manages that, but I don't think yours does. What you have is good, but it feels more like a section of an RP as opposed to a whole RP, if that makes sense.

BK's Rating: 7/10

 

[The Crock]

Mason Westhoff (Thriller):

• I was little confused when I first started reading this RP. Regardless of the fact that you're teaming up with Numbers, your RP should be able to stand alone -- tag it or something, otherwise it's a bit of a headache to figure out who's talking, etc.
• Gotta watch out for typos, though I've only noticed one ("Grandy" rather than "Grand").
• This got to the point pretty fast, and I liked it. You covered Stormrage, Triple X, and Rush in a timely manner and still got all the important points of what you were trying to say across. It wouldn't have hurt if you had fleshed it out a little more -- I like your RPs because they're short and get right to it, but it wouldn't hurt to add a little length.
• Overall, this is a good complementary piece. For a tag match, it worked well. It wasn't as good as your Roulette RP -- I really enjoyed that one -- but it was just fine.

Alex Bowen (Phatso):

• Right off the bat, I like the opening description. It's a little clunky, but it sets the tone well.
• I like the interplay between Cooper and Bowen. Cooper's more over-the-top in comparison to Bowen's more withdrawn attitude, so it's a nice little contrast that makes it read a lot easier.
• The second part of the RP just didn't do it for me. I get it, Bowen's trying to slide by his test -- and that's some solid character development -- but it's just sort of there. The conversation between the kid and Bowen isn't anything great, and the whole scene just strikes me as a good idea, but it could have been executed a lot better. It was a little boring, to be honest.
• The last scene, again, isn't as good as the first (it's better than the second, though), but it's short and to the point -- we see Alex buck the system and pull a fast one. The highlight of the scene is the very end, because you can tell how pleased Bowen is with himself. It just makes Bowen seem like a total slimeball.
• Overall, it was actually a good read. It had potential to be great, but it got the job done.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

A little while back Dave did something similar to this, and I thought it was something that could really help if people took it to heart. I will be honest, I may be harsh, but I will be fair. My mission now that I am on creative(aside from pushing ponies) is to make WZCW a better place. I'm not a perfect RPer, but this is a little insight into what I like to see. I don't speak for anyone of the other guys in the back, only myself.

Thrash
I voted for you this week, but it wasn't due to a great performance on your part. I have made my share of Trash jokes, but in all honesty, I'm not a fan of the new character thus far. I love to be proven wrong about characters, and I really hope you can do that, but I can't see you climbing very high up the card. I feel like Thrash is essentially what you wanted to do when you turned Scumm face. You try really hard to push him as this do good, care about the fans babyface, but it is boring. He refused medical treatment for an interview. I could see that after a normal match, but not a Mayhem Title match against a dominant champ like Vega. Then you have the bit with his friends/former band mates. It was almost sickening how positive those guys were. You think at least one of them would be vindictive, but they are all kissing his ass. It reminds me of a 12 year old girls fan fic. You are capable of solid work, at KC IV you took on Triple X for the Elite X title, but this RP felt uninspired. I know you are still early in the character, but you have to build him to be more than "former rock star who likes fans."

Saxton
I know you will hate me Doc, but I voted against you this week. You had a solid RP, but I would have liked to see more about the recent struggles the team has gone through. I feel like J's RP was the better this week in that regard. Both of the RPs tied in nicely, they were funny(if a little over the top, even for Saxoteur), and unlike a lot of RPs this round, I didn't feel the need to drink copious amounts of alcohol after I read it. I loved the Metal Gear box reference, I loved the Konami code, I loved the sexual innuendo, and even though it felt crammed in, the spot at the end relating the whole heist to your opponents was solid, I just feel like Barbosa and SHIT had a great RP on their hands, and did more to address the division as a whole. I'm confident that you will bounce back, and I look forward to reading the effort. I know you can do it.

Jimmy Flynn
I voted for you this week, but much like Thrash, it wasn't due to a great effort on your part. I remember when you first brought Flynn into the fed it seemed like a character you could relate to and I had high hopes. You started with some solid, if unspectacular RPs, and built to a Mayhem title shot. Since then I feel like you have been struggling a bit. I think you rely too much on interview segments. If you want to keep going that route, at least change it up. Use a heel interviewer to challenge Flynn. Have Stacey be a bitch, have Klamor be an asshole. Mix it up. I did like that you included the bit with Flynn in the medic's room, I like when people touch on their recent match, but it went downhill from there. The promo at the end was very short. I don't judge based on the quality of your promo or however you choose to touch on your opponent, but you have to do more than that. You got a win and I hope you can build on it, I have seen your work in the past, you can pump out some good stuff.

Alex Bowen
I voted against you this week. I was in love with Beard's RP. That isn't to say I disliked your RP though, and in the end I have no issue with you picking up a win. You had some solid back and forth with Cooper, essential for any team in my opinion. The opening was decent. It felt a bit clunky at times, like it was too much in too little space, but it worked. I also liked how you were able to work some development for the character in. Dude came off as a jerk, that works for Bowen. I can't help but feel that you could have done much better. The conversation with the kid was a bit unusual. One of the things that I didn't like was the putting down of past championship teams. I can let some of it slide because you are a heel, and a pretty effective one at that, but at times I couldn't shake the feeling that you let the contents of the discussion thread spill into the RP. Overall though I think this was a solid effort and I think you have some fodder for the next couple rounds.

 

[Kermit]

Mason Westhoff (Thriller)​

• First off, let me say that you and Numbers work beautifully together with your characters’ chemistry. Sure, it isn’t the antics of SaboSax, but I still love it.
• I like the Westhoff is speaking on behalf of GM in this. It makes Westhoff look really good in fact and helps him in my eyes as an overall contender for the EurAsian title. It signals that GM trust Westhoff with a certain amount of power. If that was what you were going with, then good job.
• I like that you used the tag-team match as an earlier platform for setting up your future bout with Triple X and Rush for the EurAsian belt.
• In conclusion, I would usually tell you something along the lines of “short and sweet”, but this was enough for me in conjunction with your partner. That is why I think you thrive in the tag team scene. I challenge you Thriller to extend past your comfort zone RP-wise when it comes time for your title shot. I think if you could just double the length of this one and keep it as interesting; you will be in line for some gold.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Thriller/Westhoff: First off I apologise for being late on this, lot of various crap going on.

I love the dynamic you and Mystique/Numbers have. It gives a great sense of hierarchy to your situation and gives your characters actual dimensions. You're more than just generic wrestlers, you have depth and person throughout. Stuff like describing how Mystique sits and reacts while Westhoff essentially acts as a scribe of sorts comes across wonderfully and contributes to how your characters are presented on the shows too (as you likely know Mr. Former Creative member ).

That said I think more of this and in greater detail would work even better. Establishing a setting in vivid detail can be boring as fudge, but it can also paint the mood of a scene wonderfully and if you did that here I would've dug it all the more.

Perhaps you will work on it further when it actually comes around this Meltdown coming up, but I felt that a greater emphasis on the EurAsian title shot and Rush could've been present. That doesn't necessarily mean your should've written more on it - what you wrote was fine, but it felt tacked on -
but perhaps had some sort of description of how Mystique glared at Westhoff or nodded approvingly at his response or had Mystique step in to silence any questions regarding the title shot as 'the time wasn't right' etc...

Overall your piece is, as usual, well written. I think there are a variety of potential directions for your character to travel and whatever you choose will have success I have no doubt.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Action Saxton

- I’m glad to see you took a more serious approach with this RP. There was still a bit of comedy, but it would’ve been wholly disappointing to see you take a comedic approach when you and Bowen have quite a bit of history.
- Using a movie to look back on the history works perfectly with Saxton’s character, and gives a refresher to those who weren’t around when you two were feuding. Very nicely done.
- I saw why you used him in JGlass’ thread, but having S.H.I.T. in there felt forced to me. How you used him wasn’t necessarily bad, but I feel as though you could’ve gotten everything across just as easily without him. (Or should I say it?)
- The best part was definitely the promo at the end. This isn’t a criticism of your usual RP style, but the way you write Saxton can make it easy to forget that he’s a badass. Busting out a reminder like this every now and then can go a long way. Very good RP, Doc.

Sam Smith

- I really like your use of flashbacks. They do a good job of showing that Sam is evil both by nature and nurture through his life. That added layer of realism is a great touch.
- One of the hardest things to do in a fed like this is spin a loss, especially one that you really wanted to win, into a positive thing. You did that very well in the promo part of the RP. Even more impressive is the fact that you haven’t had to do that for a while.
- It would’ve been easy to overlook Overlast (no pun intended?) and focus on Constantine, but you did a good job avoiding that potential pitfall.
- I’ve really enjoyed the Chelsea story and I know you enjoy writing it, but it felt like you tacked it on as an afterthought here. It might have been a bit smoother if you had done something like this:

Spoiler

Smith drops the mic to the ground with a dull thud and makes his way backstage. At that moment, Overlast and Constantine were the only things on Sam’s mind. Unbeknownst to him, he was the only thing on someone else’s.

Chelsea Shaw lays in bed and dials a number on her phone. She listens to the phone ring, but gets no answer.

Chelsea: Hi Sam, it's me. I've been trying the number you left me, but I keep missing you. Give me a call back.

Not necessarily exactly like that, but something to tie the two together would have done wonders there. Most of this RP was really good, but the ending was a bit of a miss for me.

Grizzly Bob

- This was pretty good for a debut RP. Your formatting looked good; I think I only saw one error.
- You did a good job of using your gimmick to your advantage. I already feel like I have a decent grasp on who Grizzly Bob is already.
- Be careful with your metaphors, I kind of got lost in the tree one on my first read through.
- Overall, this is one of the better debut RPs I’ve read. I assume you’ll get a squash win since Milenko no-showed, but this was probably good enough to get you a win even if he had RP’d.

 

[Bernkastel]

This is feedback that I owe from that Sailor Moon mini game that I ran months ago - I finally found the time to finish it. Here's the second batch for the winners of the first round.

Kotre/Nu Sexier Noun

So Connor Reece is developing dissociative identity disorder like Barbosa, huh? Honestly I can’t say if I like that move or not. The written RP was solid. The only thing that was missing was descriptions of body language amongst the big walls of text. The lead into the vocal RP was great, it was easy to read and covered the points that you were trying to get across – that Connor is mostly distant, is unpredictable, and is developing multiple personalities.

What I liked most about the RP: I liked the fact that the written RP was detailed enough to cover all your bases without going into left field. The vocal RP spoke a bit more on Ricky Runn, and how Connor feels about his competition, as he begins to come to terms with this new change.

What I liked least about the RP: The ended of the written RP was confusing – I couldn’t tell if Stark was talking or if Reece had spoken. If your intention was to have Reece speak through Stark it just came out wrong. While I love the fact that you change your voice to differentiate between characters, the piece sounded monotone and rushed at times. I’d suggest practicing breaking and stopping between high and low points so that you can really sell the emotion.

Overall I felt that both pieces were solid.


Pancake

Redemption 2012

I remember reading this and following the feud pretty well. Looking back on it as the starting point of Ricky’s career as a singes star I’d have to say it was a good first step. I found a couple of spelling errors, and a few grammatical errors – the only thing that took away from the flow of the dialogue was the excess of repeated words constantly throughout the same sentence.

“So Ricky, I just wanna say. I’m a huge fan of yours. But, I’m also a huge fan of Austin Reynolds. You two share a similar style in the ring in that you both fly around the ring. While both of you share a similar style you are both wildly different. With those differences in mind, who would get the edge.”

I think that sentence was the worst of those offenders.

What I liked most about the RP: The energy of the piece was awesome, and you did a commendable job capturing the emotion of the storyline.

What I like least about the RP: As I pointed out with the grammatical mistakes and repeating words, the piece should have been proofread a little better. The best of us suffer from that, as it’s difficult to catch all potential mistakes in a long piece.

Looking back on this piece, and having read your current work, I’d say this RP went a long way in defining Runn as a reputable superstar. Great work as a whole.


JGlass

Another fantastic RP from the Saboteur galleria; you’re roleplays never fail to make me smile, and Sabo mixes quite well with Barbie here. I think your use of him was stellar considering that he is basically 3 people in one. I didn’t see any major problems with the grammar, and you’re dialogue and narrations followed nicely.

What I liked most about the RP: Saboteur’s thoughts were a nice touch, and served a great transitions from scene to scene.

What I liked least about the RP: The RP felt bloated towards the end, especially when Sabo starts talking about the tag champs. I was expecting Cooper and the Empire to have more of a presence.

Overall it was a great RP. You set the stage quite well in the future, and I expect Sabo and Saxton to be at the forefront of the tag team war.

 

[BK Styles]

Saboteur (JGlass)


- One of the very first things I noticed was your use of Saboteurs thoughts in quote boxes. It's a nice touch to have what he's thinking as he goes, but the quote box with the font color were a bit off-putting and hard to read from my point of view. But that could just be me, and I'm currently doing this without my glasses on, so no biggie. Whenever I've used thoughts in RP's (until I switched to first person recently), I had my thoughts in X's color as well as using italics, to make it stand out from the dialogue. That's what I'd do anyway, but I think this is more personal preference that something I feel you need to do.

- 'But whatever, let's Mikey Stormrage this bit!' Love that line.

- Liking the interaction between Sab and Barbosa (all three of them). One thing you can't be accused of is not giving characters their own voices.

- My biggest gripe here is the end. I was left with a feeling of 'is that it?' It just feels like it stops rather than end with any proper resolution.


Overall, this is another great, funny RP from you, which is nothing surprising. Nothing grammatically bad, well structured, and it gets the two so-called key elements in an RP; story and mention of your match. I can see why you might not get so much feedback to be completely honest, and that's because everyone knows your RP's are virtually always top-quality, and have very little to be critiqued. Both of my gripes are probably just personal preference, but the end of this RP just takes away from what was an entertaining read for me. Even so, good work here man, and best of luck.

BK's Grade: 7/10

 

[Dirk]

Action Saxton / Doc
*First off, you are beautifully in character. I would not be surprised if you have a giant afro, a huge handgun and a purple convertable in real life. Your catchphrases and little rhymes add so much to the character's charm.
*The detailed descriptions of your fight with Bowen got me invested emotionally and so did the training montage. What also worked emotionally with me, was the aspect of redemption.
*It was a long RP, but it wasn't tedious to read. At first I thought the very first segment could be cut, but it explained the motivation of the movie very well.
*The movie itself was a great idea, it worked very well for Saxton, who is a blaxploitation character after all. Not many other characters could pull off an action movie like that.
*A more general observation about Saxton is that he's a comedic character, but he's not a joke. He's not comedy jobber for life aka Santino, but comedy main-eventer aka The Rock.
*****
Sam Smith / Crock
*What struck me first about the RP, was your excellent heel logic. Sam claims that he was made villain by circumstance, yet it's hinted that he was "cold" from infancy. Also, you depicted Sam's parents as generally good people (not corny saints, mind you), with his mother being genuinely terrified at the notion of her son being evil.
*You brought the carnival scene very much to life. You gave a brief, but very effective setting.
*I have a very petty criticism: Claiming that every man "evolves" reminded me a lot of Orton's "my name is Randy Orton"-vignette. I'm not saying that you are channeling Orton, you did a lot to make Sam Smith original. As I said, very petty and subjective.
*I loved the subtlety in your RP. It wasn't straight-forward, you have to think about the heel logic to discover the undercurrent of the promo - that Sam Smith actually just is an evil asshole. It gave me real chills.
*The length of the RP was good, especially with the segment of the girl being sick. It leaves the audience wondering if she's perhaps pregnant or something worse, even. It creates that sense of mystery that goes with pure evil.
*****
Mason Westhoff / Thriller
*You also showed Mason's good beginnings and evoked a lot of sympathy for his parents, losing Mason to his decision to abandon them. Abandonment seems to be a recurring theme.
*The bit about the missed calls was absolute genius - not only did it tell me something about how he abandons his followers, but explains an inner conflict and adds to his already complex character.
*After reading this, I felt quite some sympathy for Westhoff as a misguided young man who had a lot of potential, but who went on this dangerous, crazy journey to Sister Rhonda.
*Mason's promo with his expensive suit and "perfect posture" showed a different side of him - his immense strength of character kept him cool and he delivered his promo.
*His promo was logical and contained legitemate reasons for his victory. He verbally bashed Triple X, but he started his comments about Rush by putting his fellow heel over and then bashing him as well, which was a great heel promo. What I appreciated greatly was that you implied that it's your destiny to win the title, without being cliché and actually saying "It's my destiny to win the EurAsian Championship".
*I enjoyed this RP, thinking it was good enough for a PPV, perhaps too good for regular TV, then I remembered that the title was on the line, so I get why you used the big guns.
***
I'm not an expert, but I enjoyed you guys a lot.

 

[Dirk]

As promised...

Thrash
*Thrash is a sublimely cool character, also very marketable. The putting over of both WZCW and Becky was a nice little touch and very face-like.
*Thrash's relationship with Alex interests me. The class-segment fleshed out the character and made me understand him better, but now I don't know the story of Alex and how he went from physical violence in just the previous paragraph to Thrash's supportive friend. Having said that, it can't hurt to have a back-up story in hand.
*It's a very honest RP: Hollywood also gave a strong RP and it's not a cakewalk, however, you are in the bigger show now, so congrats on that one!
*While you are open and honest about Thrash's weaknesses and vulnerabilities leading up to the match, I thought it was very good how you used that as emotional fuel for both the character (determination) and the audience (sympathy).
*The impression I get from Thrash is that he's an underdog with an absolutely massive heart. He's bruised, he's banged up, but he'll take on Hunter in a no DQ "even if it kills" him. That was a big feel-good moment right there! That ending was great and summed up Thrash to me in one line.

I can honestly say that your RP put a smile on my face.

 

[Bernkastel]

This is more feedback that I owe from my Sailor Moon mini game. This is for the winners of the second round.

The Doctor

All Stars II

I’ve read this RP numerous times, and it never fails to make me laugh; it’s quite quotable. I’m sure it wasn’t easy brining Erin to WZCW, but I felt that you did an adequate job without going too far into left field. The first segment followed very nicely and, having limited knowledge of Erin at the time, I was able to follow it without any problems. I felt the transition from the first scene to the second could have been better – you just kind of flung the story forward without much narration. I would have been much more effective IMO if you had started off with a brief introduction, painted the speed dating scene, and then having Erin ramble on and inserting the flashback there.

The dialogue for the second half of the RP on Erin’s side was great, and the descriptions of her body language was a nice touch.

What I liked most about the RP: The dialogue; definitely the dialogue. And the writing was so polished and I hardly found any grammatical mistakes at all. The only part of the dialogue I didn’t care for was from Morgan. That sounded a bit redundant.

What I liked least about the RP: The transition from the first scene to the second could have been written better.

Overall this was a top notch RP, and easily one of my favorites from you. The competition was so stiff that round that choosing a winner must have been difficult.


Nu Sexier Noun

Now this was a unique RP; in fact, I can’t recall ever seeing someone record a voiceover, and then type out the RP as a transcript. I didn’t see any real problems with the written RP, but the vocal RP needed better stops. I read pretty fast, but I couldn’t keep up with the dialogue. It was like two or three seconds and then the dialogue started again – I’d suggest allowing 6 or 7 seconds; enough to read the narration.

What I liked best about the RP: The uniqueness of having a voice over makes things really easy to understand the story you are trying to weave, and the different voices make that much simpler.

What I liked least about the RP: The vocal RP moved too fast when placed against the transcript.

All in all I thought it was a heck of a submission with tons of potential. If you plan on doing more vocal RP’s along with a transcript, then I will most definitely be paying attention to Connor Reece in 2013. Well done.


Killjoy

All or Nothing - 2013

I really liked the recap that you did in the beginning. You and Merk had a hell of a feud leading up to the match, and I thought you did a top notch job of highlighting all the history between Tastic and Rush. I didn’t see any grammar or spelling mistakes; and the dialogue flowed quite nicely the whole way through.

What I liked most about the RP: The graphics were a nice touch. Sometimes there’s only so much that we can portray through words alone, and a graphic helps paint the scene allot better. That’s a huge advantage you’ve got going for you - the ability to implement those at the right times.

What I liked least about the RP: Some of the segments did seem a bit inconsistent though. The first segment with the doctor; I’d thought you do a follow up with that towards the end – where Tastic decides to risk his health against – instead you just kind of parrot Merk’s “white whale” theme. The girl that Tastic spoke with, you described her as a boy through Alisha’s dialogue.

Overall I thought the RP was great; I can sympathize with not being able to pull out the big V when you need it, but hopefully Tastic is due for a return sometime soon.


ManureTheBear

This feedback counts as feedback from Gelgarin; not from me. So rep him if you must.

This wasn’t a bad RP from your first rodeo. I can tell you already have a grasp on your character, which is a must once you start feuding. I noticed that you tend to go crazy with the comas when they aren’t really needed. If used in excess they can cause unwanted breaks in the flow of the piece. Your spelling and grammar looked okay, and the tense remained consistent. But remember to watch that, as those tend to be common mistakes.

What I liked most about the RP: The narration was solid, and the transitions were easy to follow. In the future you might try adding a bit more detail to paint a better picture.

What I liked least about the RP: Your dialogue was fine for your first go around, but it still needs some work. Keep practicing with Grizzly until his speech becomes natural for his gimmick.

Overall it was great for a first go around. Throw around some potential ideas and see if you can’t push Grizzly’s potential even further.

 

[IHW]

Quick Feedback.

Jimmy Flynn- I like the simplicity of your RP's. The format is an easy one to read. I didn't know if you and Manure were going to write RP's involving each other or not, but it's best that you did. As I told HN, I didn't want another no show. Two out of my three wins have come from my opponent not RP'ing, and I'm glad that won't be the case this time around. I think one thing that stuck out to me was when Flynn caught the fish. I love fishing, and when I get the chance to do it, and get a bite, I get such a rush every time. You could have described this rush a lot better, and that one little part of the RP could improve it as a whole. Little moments like that can make an RP more fun to read.

Grizzly Bob- I enjoyed how you and MMS managed to work together. Something as simple as showing each others a part of your lifestyle. Of course, me and HN wanted something more complex because we plan on working together for a long time to come. For Bob and Flynn, you're RP ideas worked great. When reading, the lines not being spaced out quickly jumped out at me. It could just be me, but I find it easier to read when every change in dialog is spaced apart. The RP was interesting, and the first one I have reap of yours so far. I enjoyed it, and am starting to understand the character.

Just a few. I have read other RP, just didn't feedback. I may do some more.

 

[Skairipa Matrix]

Mason Westhoff:

As promised here's some feedback for you. Nice short and sweet promo/interview there. You expressed yourself well in it and I thought having those words from GM echo in his head was a great touch.

Hmm looks like you got a great starting point for your next RP with Westhoff visiting Jacobs in the hospital. Looking forward to that. The RP overall was good and like always you captured Westhoff exactly the way you need to.

My only problem with the RP was while the promo was good, the RP part of it left me wanting more.

Ricky Runn:

I love the way Ricky and Rob interact with each other. The fact that they are almost total opposites just makes the stuff between them great.

As I already said in my PM back to you after reading the sample the commercials are hilarious! I don't know where you got that idea but man it was funny! Of course the comedy is one reason I don't miss an RP from you.

Aaaand the accidental assassin strikes again! Like others have said this accidental assassin stuff has been great for you and it's helping you strike comedy gold in your RP's.

Mister Alhazred:

This is my first time reading one of your RP's in full so if I mess something up in your feedback, forgive me.

I must say the first part of this just seemed very very weird to me. Maybe i'm missing a past history of stuff like this but hunting a big oaf seemed odd.

Well..that was unexpected. I thought Alhazred was gonna try to transfer Facecrush's arms or muscles onto his body somehow. That said this part of the RP was better than the first part and it looks like you also set up something for your next RP or a future one by locking up Facecrush.

I'll be honest and say this RP didn't do much for me but that might be because I haven't read much from you during my time here.

Gonna try to cover Bearded Gents later on today.