RP Feedback Thread

[BK Styles]

Sam Smith (Crock)


The way you present your RP in first person is something I love, and something I personally keep toying with doing. It makes it more personal, and makes it feel like a recollection rather than a story. And is incredibly effective if done correctly, which it certainly is here. I feel genuine empathy for Smith in places, but at no point does that overtake the fact that Smith is a bad guy.

One issue I have here is that, until the end, not a lot happens. That's not to say that the first half where Smith is alone isn't any good, because it is, but it did feel a little flat. Smith is clearly a tortured soul, and your depiction of his reactions to his own thoughts/words shows how much what he says means to him. But there's a lot of Smith addressing the reader here and telling us things, as opposed to having the topic of discussion fleshed out via dialogue between multiple characters. This could very well just be a personal preferance, as I don't dislike how you've set this out at all, but there's something about it I'm not completely sold on. Maybe Smith on his own in his apartment could have been shorter; whilst I don't think any of what you've written is unnecessary, I do think some of it isn't vital to the message of your RP.

Also, is Smith talking to himself? He addresses the fans a lot here, but I doubt he has a camera follow him everywhere. Is he even talking? I assume so as the format of the first part is the same as the speech in the second. If there's no-one else there, would it not make more sense for this to be in his head? That said, the blue speech does break up the black, and divides the passage into easier to read chunks. But it just seems weird that he's addressing fans who, to the best of my knowledge, aren't present here. Also, at the beginning, as well as being descriptive, there's Smith's thoughts in the black italics. After reading, I can't help but think that maybe finding a different way in showing his thoughts from his actions. I say this purely because some of his thoughts in the black italics (particularly the whole second paragraph) could have been in the blue speech.

The second half of your RP is my favorite part. It verges on face, but the second that smith says 'Fuck you', it clicks, and it works as a whole, and in terms of Smith's feelings, it's a very important moment in terms of knowing what he wants, and what he 'deserves'.

I think Smith is an underrated character, and the stuff you're doing with him at the moment (including the stuff with Rush) makes for good reading. Just that first half of this RP had a few questions that, admittedly, might just be me being a bit too picky on certain things. But this is a very, very good RP, and while TMG's RP is also very good, you have every chance of getting the win here. Best of luck, man.

 

[BK Styles]

Derek Jacobs (meeks)

I will admit that, upon my first reading, I really didn't like this RP. I thought it was too in your face, that it was just a boring chunk of Jacob's thoughts, and I didn't look forward to reading it. But after reading it the second time and understanding what it was (a diary entry), I got it much better.

The way Jacobs speaks of Mason Westhoff is typical, almost predictable. But it works, and that's the most important part. I do love the paragraph on pride. Right here, I know exactly what the New Church are all about, and that is to beat 'prideful and evil people' and put them in their place, so to speak.

You've then kept it simple, and gone through each opposing team one by one in good detail. And this is proof that keeping things simple is sometimes a positive, as if you do it well enough, it's effective. And it is here; your analysis of each opponent works, as not only do you look at them from a wrestling angle, you look at each of them from Jacobs' point of view and get that across very easily.

The only issue here is one I mentioned at the beginning...this RP, though easy to read in terms of language, is difficult to look at without rolling your eyes. Whilst you have separated everything into paragraphs, the thick, red letters need breaking up. The font, and the red colouring, are difficult to stare at for a while. In comparison, Ricky Runn's RP is similar in a way, as it's a piece of text written by the character. But his is in simple black text. A bit boring, maybe, but it's much, MUCH easier to read than this. And as I said before, keeping it simple is sometimes a good thing. Maybe breaking things up here, maybe have this RP set when Jacobs was actually writing this, and have the focus cut from the entry itself to Jacobs writing it, reacting to it, etc. At least then, things are broken up a little.

In mentioning Runn's RP, as well as run down his opponents he tells a story in his; namely his relationship with his father. Here, you mention Westhoff's letter, 888, and your teams mission statement, so to speak, but the focus is solely on the match, without a greater arching story other than you and Westhoff being partners. There's a little development on 888 and the beatdown of Joe Mason, but it's over very quickly. Perhaps there isn't as much development here as there could be?

I will admit, when I saw that Thriller and you were a team, I was surprised. Not because you're not a good RPer, in fact you've come along leaps and bounds since you first started, but it just wasn't something I saw coming. But it works, and there's a reason you guys are in this match, and you've more than played a big part in that. This is a solid RP that's a bit different, which isn't a bad thing by any stretch, and with Thrillers RP you guys stand a chance of putting in a very good showing here.

 

[The Extract]

The Dark Knight Dynamite/Krypto:

LIKES:
• I really like the way you used pictures at the beginning of your RP.
• The way that you have used your past RP’s confused me at first, just because I had not read the latest RP of yours. But I grew to like that very much!
• The way that you mentioned all of your opponents was semi-good. It could have used a little more work to me; you even put over Williams and Bull a little bit by saying that they are the most determined.
• I like the ending that you planned, but I felt it could have used a little more detail.

DISLIKES:
• Your punctuation and spelling needs help! I see a bunch of mistakes in the RP. For example: About eight hours before Meltdown, Ascension, and AfterShock.
• The big prisoner in the jail was well described, but I did not like the color you used for it. You used black which made me feel like he wasn’t actually talking.
• I felt like you should have kept Saxton and Saboteur around for a little bit longer.
• The last thing I have a problem with is that you made your character look pretty weak with the training. He can’t lift 100 pounds? I get that it is bench pressing so it’s a little harder, but he really should have been able to lift it as a wrestler!​

 

[BK Styles]

Isabel Stones (Jessie Lynn)


Okay, first of all I want to stress just how much you have improved in a short space of time. Your RP's weren't bad by any stretch when you started (in fact, for a rookie they were pretty good), but this RP is a damn good showing of your abilities. That said, there is one issue with it, that I'll address further in.

So, formatting of your RP. Nice and simple; it's easy to read. One thing I'd suggest is trying to avoid using colours that look too similar. When Izzy and her mom are talking, the colours of her mother and Kurtesy are incredibly similar. that moment it takes to double check and make sure you're reading the line with the right character in mind can be enough to throw someone out of rhythm when they're reading.

No real grammatical errors, or misuse of punctuation that jumped out of me, which again helps the flow when someone is reading your RP. But the real positive here, the best bit about your RP is the quality of the content of your dialogue. The story is an emotive one that, if done right, can really hit the right nerve with people reading and help them connect more and empathise with Izzy, and here you've not only got a good story in this RP, but your dialogue and your descriptions makes it seem so real. It felt natural in all aspects, and you nailed every single character, and gave them individuality.

But then comes my biggest problem with this RP; it makes me like Izzy, and root for her, and this RP makes me think she's a face. At the moment, she's a heel, so my reaction to her character should be negative. now, I don't know if a face turn is something you've considered and are slowly building towards, but this RP comes across as being in full-blown good guy (or girl) mode. If a face turn down the line is something you're interested in, then you need to try and stagger the transition out and make it less obvious. Or at the least, less all at once; it should be a natural, gradual change. If not, then as good as a story this was to read, you need to find ways to take the ideas you have and twist them more so they fit the actions of a heel.

That said, the subject matter of this RP is something I could see being difficult to get across in a heel way. And other than the alignment issue, I really enjoyed this RP. Probably more than I should, but this just struck me as being very well written, and a good RP to pull out at a PPV. Keep up the quality here, and only good things will follow. Best of luck.

 

[Remix]

I've owed these people feedback from ages ago. Now's as good a time as any to do it.

Grand Mystique.

Formatting

• Stop using colours as the sole means to distinguish speakers! You don't integrate your description into speech, i.e. you're writing a script. So drop the damn speech marks and tag your fucking dialogue. Sorry, that's a bit of a pet peeve.
• Not a massive fan of the yellow you used for Kensworth. It doesn't really stand out enough from the white of the board.
• The dark red text is GM, right? Because nothing in the descriptive text gives me a clue who it's supposed to be.
• I like the fact that the handwriting on Leon's notes looks different from the rest of the RP.
• Not once did you tag GM with his colour in the descriptive text. For fuck's sake man. You're on creative and had three characters to keep track of and you made an error that simple?

Grammar

• Tense error: 'phone normally sat'. Sat should be sits.
• Missing comma: 'him or not but the outcome' between not and but.
• superfluous text: 'at Kingdom Come' It reads clunkily, it would flow better without that part.
• Run-on sentence, repitition: 'We have taken the same journey but used very different routes but at every turn, I have seen Alex Bowen try and fail at every turn to reach the level that I have demonstrated.' Full stop after routes, drop the following but. You've used 'at every turn' twice in the same sentence. The second should have been dropped. Also, '... reach the level that I have demonstrated'? Saying 'reach my level' would have read better.
• Run on sentence/tense error: 'For those that too stupid to realise, this goes beyond WZCW and this match is years in the making, it’s never happened because The Grand Mystique has been better at every opportunity and this will continue.' Full stop after WZCW, drop and. It's should be it. Also, '... has been better at every opportunity and this will continue.' just reads awkwardly. Saying something like '... never happened because Bowen was never good enough to face Grand Mystique, and he never will be.' would flow better.
• There were quite a few instances where sentences would have flowed better if a superfluous word was removed.

Writing

• This was your strongest aspect. GM came across strongly and you've clearly got a handle on the character.
• Considering GM spends a lot of time 'lurking in the shadows' in this RP, you could have used a different phrase to knock him.
• The theme of destiny was well used in the RP, as was the coin flipping.
• Other than nitpicking errors, this was a damn good RP.

Ricky Runn

Formatting

• Take it from someone who tried, RPs not in technicolour get marked down. Unless you're Gelgarin, don't try them. It fits here, but just a word of warning.
• As a general rule, don't centralise text. It works if you're trying to make it stand out (like Numbers did) but not for an entire RP. Also, it makes no sense because it's presumably handwritten.

Grammar

• Sentence starter: 'And last week is a huge testament to that.' Don't start a sentence with and or but.
• Missing punctuation: 'doctors' have an appostrophe after the 's' to indicate that you are visiting something owned by some doctors (as in doctors' surgery)
• Poor flow/run-on sentence: 'At the doctors for what I thought would be a routine physical ended giving me news that I hoped I would never hear. Full stop after physical. '... giving me news...' would better be replaced with 'I was given news...'
• Missing punctuation: 'dumb reasons but...' comma after but, please.
• Missing space: after ellipses. Also, they don't act as full stops, so there's no need for a capital after them.
• Superfluous word: 'had found a different way'. No need for found.
• At this point I stopped paying attention to your grammar.

Writing

• Daddy Runn doesn't need to be told Ricky's a glutton for stupidity.
• Technically, this RP is fine. You hit all the 'Lee points' (talk about what's happened, talk about your match, talk about the future) but nothing drew me in to want to continue reading like Numbers' RP did.
• There was a research failure regarding Ricky's diagnosis. If he's got a career shortening injury, a GP wouldn't diagnose it. He'd get referred to a specialist and a radiographer and they'd give him the bad news. This is something I also noticed with your Press Conference RP that I looked at months ago. Where that one was ludicrously over the top, done in Japan (for no real reason) and fell into the same failed formatting hole that Numbers is in, this error's the thing I'm taking away from a dull RP. For different reasons you wrote things that makes no sense in the real world. Stop doing that and do some damn research, or at least think things through before you write them.
• It bares reiterating, this RP was dull, and that's what you don't want your dumbass spotmonkey character to be.

Action Saxton

Formatting

• Not a fan of centralised text.
• Properly integrated prose is always nice to see. Numbers, take note.
• Light blue text doesn't stand out very well on white. Avoid it in future.
• Gold and Orange? Poor combo Doc.
• You fucked up and gave Garrett the wrong colour of text for "You're going to need it." It was red to the rest of the RP's darkred.

Grammar

• None that I can spot.

Writing

• This RP was pretty damn good. The simulated training session was a good setting.
• The antics of the Batmans (and Krypto) made me laugh, which means I was more invested in this RP than Pancake's or Numbers'.
• Anyone who makes dialogue identifiable by something other than colour is awesome. Seriously, there's no excuse not to do that. EVER!
• The entire conversation with Garrett is awesome. From the twisted tic-tac logic to the Kung Fu Builfing. Just good comedy stuff.
• The villains
• Krypto: ever the buttmonkey
• You might notice that I haven't raised any criticisms. That's because this RP is quite easily the strongest one I've read today. I've told you this before, but since I came back (again) I've found myself coming closer to writing your style than I ever did before. That's because you're one of the few guys who doesn't write to hit the standard points of a RP written using the 'Lee Method'. You focus on the characters and telling a story and most of all making it entertaining.

Final Thoughts

Pancake, you should read Doc's RP as an example of what an entertaining RP looks like. Nothing is worse than a dull RP. Also, think through what you're writing.

Numbers, read Doc's RP for an excellent demonstration of how to use speech marks and write in prose. Oh, and stop using that bastardised pseudo-script format. Either write in proper prose, or write an actual script.

Doc, keep up the good work.

 

[BK Styles]

Krypto (Dynamite)


The first thing I want to say is that you need to watch both your formatting and continuity. You've bundled all of the three shows together on the same night, which they aren't. You've then used black text for two characters; Raj and the reporter. Aside from the fact that the black doesn't stand out anywhere near enough from your descriptions (which despite being in italics, is also black), using one colour for two characters in an RP isn't a good plan. The colour you use for Saxton is incredibly light, and is a bit difficult to read. There's a couple of times that you've missed the K in Krypto in terms of coluring. I know that's a small detail, but little ones like that can be annoying to pick up as a reader.

Also, at one point, you've coloured Lars red, the same as Krypto. Again, it's only one line, and a tiny detain in the grand scheme of things. But things like this can be very off-putting as a reader.

One thing that hit me was it's length. I've read a few that are comparable in length (hell, mine is pretty long) but there's something about this one that just makes it feel long. If you get a good flow in your RP and keep it engaging, length doesn't remain as big of an issue, and whilst I wouldn't say I lost interest in your RP at any point, it did have that feeling of dragging a little.

Apologies for bombarding you with negatives to begin with. But I wanted to get them out of the way first because, I have to say, I really enjoyed this RP. Taking technical issues out of the equation, your content here is very good. Your work with Sabo-Saxton has definitely helped you up your game, and it shows through here. A very funny RP with yet another adventure going awry (I loved the pictures in the spoiler tag at the beginning, by the way). Your dialogue has improved drastically, and feels a lot more fluid. You've got your mentors down to a tea, and the rest of your cast of characters seem to have much more individuality, and are developing along nicely.

One thing I was going to mention was, as Awesome_One_2000 pointed out, is that you've made your character look pretty weak here. he can't lift 100lbs, yet most people in WZCW are 180lbs or higher, the majority being well over 200. That said, I double checked your roster page, and in your defence you have said he can't really lift many people on the roster. So props to you here for continuity with your character. Aside from that, Krypto's 'training' for the relay was an entertaining read, though I can't help but think you missed a golden opportunity here for Sabo-Saxton to be involved in the shenanigans.

At the very least, you need to start writing your RP's a bit earlier, then revisit them before posting to check for things like mistakes in grammar, formatting etc. It's one consistent thing that runs through your RP's that can easily be addressed. But content-wise, you've done a good job at making a funny RP that tells a good story. You've got a tough match here, as both Angel and Stones really delivered in their efforts, but none the less, a good showing from you and more steps in the right direction. Best of luck.

 

[BK Styles]

Alex Bowen (Phatso)


First off, you've got me intrigued. The opening segment makes me want to know more, and makes me want to read your next RP now.

Formatting and layout-wise, I'm not a massive fan of the more scripted format (mainly the name of who is speaking before the line, and using 'then scene fades out/in') but that's nothing more than a personal preference, and to be honest, you do a good job with it. There are a few occasions where you've used commas where I'd actually consider having an entirely new sentence. For example:

Man- I know exactly how you are, you're sitting in front of me, are you not Lilith? I want it all, with him... no one will stop me. You need to help me, because you have a past with him. Really, how did that come to be?

Instantly, there are a few here I'd change (changes in brackets):

Man- I know exactly how you are(.) You're sitting in front of me, are you not Lilith? I want it all(.) With him... no one will stop me. You need to help me, because you have a past with him. Really, how did that come to be?

They're only small changes, but when I read it back, the dialogue flows much better. The first sentence mixes a statement with a question, so it's better to separate them to get the full effect of both the initial line, then the question. Again, this could be just a preference thing, but I would look back through when you write an RP and just double check your use of punctuation. This mainly applies to your first scene, as lilith and the man seem like the weaker characters here, and the spark that's present in Bowen and James' conversation is missing here.

Also, in your opening paragraph, in the line; 'a dagger is drove through top of it', drove should be driven and there should be a 'the' in between 'through' and 'top'.

The segment with Bowen's training is absolutely brutal, even to read. But it makes me appreciate just how much Bowen wants not only to beat GM (and here it comes across as borderline obsession) but to change his style and shed that hardcore tag further. his hard-ass trainer is a great character to bring in, and whilst your character is usually the bad-ass, here he has truly met his match, and it's great to see how Bowen responds to that with total respect for him.

Equally, the final scene is an enjoyable read, and it really puts over Bowen's credentials outside a hardcore environment, and also just how much having the fans cheer for him means to him. If I have any complaint, it might be that the main fire in this scene comes from James, and not Bowen himself. You get more of a sense by the end that James really wants Bowen to win, than Bowen wanting to win himself. That's not to say that I don't get that Bowen wants to win, but the desire seems to be coming from James a bit more.

Being against GM is a tough draw, as Numbers' RP was awesome. But you've put together an engaging story here, one that makes me really want to know what's going to happen next, and most importantly, one that makes me care about Bowen. And as I said before, I'm really enjoying Bowen's attempt at shrugging of his label as a hardcore specialist at the moment. My one issue here is your punctuation in dialogue; for me, I would look at where you use commas and double check to see if you can make new sentences instead, as it can sometimes aid the flow of your dialogue. But none the less, a good RP here, and I look forward to seeing the result of this match. Best of luck.

 

[BK Styles]

Celeste (Echelon)


(apologies for how long it's taken to get this up; began it after work then just crashed at my laptop screen for a while)

One thing that always sticks out in my head with RP's is that if you keep things simple but do them well, you can't really go wrong. This is a fine example of that, because all it is is a conversation between two friends. There's nothing revolutionary going on here, but there really doesn't need to be.

As far as the formatting/layout of your RP goes, when I first started here I first looked at one of your RP's, just to try and get a feel for what RP's should be like. It's simple, easy to follow, and while I would suggest referencing which colour of text refers to which character (just by using the colour to highlight the first time you use that characters name, for example), it's plainly clear who it is by how you've written it, so really that's more me nitpicking more than anything.

As far as your content goes, you covered a lot of good stuff here relating to Celeste's history in the company, how she feels about her current situation (the mom of WZCW), the relationship with her mentor, and what she wants to gain from this match. From all of this, I instantly understand the type of person Celeste is, and thanks to Sandy, the type of person she used to be. I may not know everything about her (such as HSAN, burn scars, etc) but if I came in without knowing a thing about anyone in WZCW, I learn enough here to be able to keep up; particularly her insecureness with her success (or her perceived lack there-of) in WZCW. I would even learn enough about her opponents to start with. You make this feel like a turning point in Celeste's career; like she has no option but to win, and she has to start making an impact.

The only complaint in the content I could think of is the sheer amount of it. You do cover a lot of ground here, and whilst the quality is high and you don't ramble at any point, it does feel very heavy to read, and perhaps could be condensed down a little. Or even broken up; if the conversation were to be broken up into two scenes, and spread between sandy and another character. But again, that is just my own personal preference.

I'm a big Celeste fan, and it's awesome to finally be involved in a match with you in some way. That said, it's not so awesome reading this knowing I'll be facing you, as this is a really good RP. It's very dialogue-heavy, but when the dialogue is good, it doesn't matter so much. And here it is very good. You hit all of the points that typically need to be addressed, and Celeste's character develops a little further.

I'd wish you luck, but a. with a no-show on our side, the luck seems a little irrelevant, and b. I don't want to aid your team with luck

 

[Ty Burna]

Alright here we go. These won't be mega detailed like BK's have been but I'll put some quick thoughts down. Also I'm not making comments on grammar and I'll be taking the RPs as a whole.

Drake Callahan - Really enjoyed this RP. You have really taken the Drake heel turn to it's full potential, and this RP proves it. You can feel how Drake still feels guilt for what happened between himself and his girlfriend. It's not enough to overtly act on it but it's enough there to show that he's at least human in his own private moments. The use of Stacy was well played, showing even the heel female interviewer finds Drake despicable for his actions. Good mixture of focusing on Drake's personal story and his feud with Showtime and you really played up your role in the feud to a T. The only negative I can say is there may be too much skipping between scenes for my liking. A scene change or maybe even two may be fine, but I've always preferred focusing on one scene and expanding it as much as you can. It keeps the RP focused instead of feeling like multiple RP's put together as one.

Great work overall however. I think you got the win here.

Connor Reese - This felt all over the place, and I'm fairly certain you're aware of it as well. It feels like an RP used to setup the next RP, which is fine if you were prepping for a big PPV match but this is the PPV match itself. I know you have an entire storyline between your character and NPC's, but it's difficult to keep track of the ones you mentioned that aren't in the RP itself. Otherwise what you have here is well written, just not sure if the substance is really there for the victory.

S.H.I.T. - Simple premise here with a straight interview with Klamor. S.H.I.T.'s interactions with other characters have always been a bit of comic relief in your RP's. You do an excellent job breaking down your two opponents, even touching base on the almost philosophical breakdown of Barbosa that seemingly started this whole story. Excellent dialogue throughout the RP, one thing that puzzled me however was why you didn't utilize Alhazred stabbing a screwdriver into S.H.I.T.'s face in your RP. I feel that would have been an easy piece to add in to your RP and keep continuity with what's happened. Otherwise a well written piece, and this triple threat match is definitely a difficult match to judge.

Sam Smith - I wasn't feeling this RP Crock if I can be honest. The first portion was almost a generic heel promo that really didn't do much for me. It felt like someone standing in front of a crowd with a mic and saying it with a complete lack of intensity. I know that it was supposed to be an intense promo, but something wasn't there. It didn't have a real pointed edge to it that I think you were going for. The second part on the other hand, I felt was rushed and tacked on, but probably had far more potential in what you could have done with your RP. I think if you went with the second half only and expanded your RP around that and tied it into Smith's frustrations with WZCW and Masked Gentleman it would have worked a lot better then the monologue you put together in the first half. I think adding more actions and detail to the monologue would have helped but I really think the second part should have been your focus. That would have been good character development and an easy way to tie in to your match rather then just a tacked on attempt at character development.

Krypto - I really like the first part of your RP. I'm hoping your mentors helped you out here, if not extremely well done writing for Sab and Saxton as I could see those two reacting in that exact manner. It's definitely a nice change to have a character who shows off his weakness fairly easily. You have some formatting errors here and there but I'm not nearly as bothered by it as Numbers is (sorry Numbers) and I have been guilty of it in the past. I like the failed attempt at the training montage, but the one thing that really pains me is when people are in a multi man match, they go and list off every single opponent and talk about them one by one. It adds mostly filler to the RP and it gets annoying. Persona A is blah blah blah. Then let's talk about Person B and he's blah blah blah. I hate that in RPs and I don't think you needed it here. You would have been better served on Krypto trying to psych himself up more into thinking he would win the match or how he would go about it. I'm still not a big fan of the gimmick, but this is definitely a step in the right direction for you. Keep working at it.


That's all for now.

 

[BK Styles]

Mister Alhazred (Red Skull)

(First off, huge apologies for this taking so long. I've just started a second job as a teaching assistant and it's wiping me out.)


The first thing that strikes me here is that apart from one sentence on his own, Alhazred's dialogue is in four huge chunks that, from the readers point of view, look a bit of an eyesore. It really needs breaking up, either by some kind of descriptive text, or another character engaging with him. Or hell, even just breaking it up into multiple paragraphs. It just looks completely unappealing, and if I was just running through RP's for a good read, it puts me off reading it to the point that I might skip over it. It doesn't have to be one-line sentences before a break, but if I ever find myself with a huge chunk, I try to find different ways to break it up.

On top of that, I like Bold when it's used sparingly, or mixed in with regular text to show some kind contrast, but I personally don't like all of an RP in it.

That said, the actual content here was solid. You've made me care about the relationship between Alhazred and S.H.I.T, and I like the way he views the relationship; he clearly does care for S.H.I.T, but his approach to his former partner, believing he needs to be 'put down', is an interesting way to give your character motivation to fight his former ally. The focus on Barbosa almost seems more passionate, and I get clearly how much Alhazred wants to prove a point by beating him.

Something that bothers me here is that while you run through what this match means to your character, and you run through your opponents pretty well, there isn't much of a story here, other than Alhazred having history with both men and wanting to win so he can progress to becoming world champion. But aside from the match itself, there doesn't seem to be a main plot running through this RP to keep me engaged. That said, it's nice to see the match take a focal point as opposed to a side-thought in a story, but this RP just feels like it's missing something.

The one thing that left me feeling a bit flat here was thinking after reading it 'was that it?' You cover the match well, but the interview just felt a bit too static, and along with the massive chunks of text, I found it difficult to get into. When I did, I enjoyed what you wrote, but there really wasn't much going on here.

I'm not a fan of this RP, mostly because of how it visually looks. That could just be me being picky, but it puts me off reading it. that said, when I got into it I liked what you'd put, and the end was pretty creepy (in a good way). But there's something missing here that makes this RP feel like it falls short of a PPV match. This might sound harsh, and if it does I apologize, but it feels a bit like this RP is going through the motions. You highlight a lot of good stuff with your opponents, but it's not anything special that's being highlighted, and it feels a little ordinary. And considering the two guy you had in this match, you definitely could do better. A good RP, make no mistake, but I've read better ones from you.

 

[Jessie Lynn DivaGirl]

Triple X (BK201):

I really liked this RP mostly because it gave insight to the tension between X and his Dad in the beginning and gave a good view of X at the end. The conversation with Steve Kurtesy was pretty good and gave me a nice chuckle at the end. Overall good RP, really enjoyable read.

Derek Jacobs (Meeks):

Twas a short RP that wasn't too bad but the bright red did make me blink several times while reading. Thought it was pretty good, but I think it could've been better

 

[The Crock]

Mister Alhazred (Red Skull):

This was a pretty good RP. You mixed a lot of humor in with some character development and even managed to go over your match a little, in the middle of all that other chaos. I LOVED how wacky and off the wall some of this was (the brawl in the bar, poor old lady...) and I think that works to your advantage -- your RPs are going to stick out in people's minds just based on entertainment value and how strange some of the content is. The ending was one of my favorite parts of the RP, too. It drummed up some interest for your next RP, which is always a good thing. My only real complaint about this RP is the lack of proof-reading. You misspelled and misused some words here and there, but it's not that big of a deal. A good overall effort.

Mason Westhoff (Thriller):

This was an enjoyable RP. The team effort as a whole was really interesting -- I liked how Meeks' RPs bookended yours, especially since it's not something we normally see around here. Your portion of the RP was probably the strongest part and I can tell you're really becoming comfortable with the Westhoff character. Jumping into a flashback to let the reader get an idea of Mason's past was a simple, but nice idea. It was interested seeing the foundations of Mason's personality and it gives you a nice foundation to build off of for your future RPs, since you'll be able to lead readers down through the rest of Westhoff's development. That being said, this isn't necessarily an RP that jumps out at me -- though, it served it's purpose quite well. You could have added something else, or maybe even gone a little more in-depth and expanded the flashback, but I don't blame you for leaving it off where you did. Solid RP.

Mr. Baller (Baller):

Nice to see you back. I like the idea behind this RP. Baller broken down, he's a shadow of himself since leaving, and now he wants to return, blah blah blah. You didn't really deviate much from that basic blueprint, but it worked. I like the "new" Baller you're trying to portray and the one-cycle contract is an interesting wrinkle. So, while nothing stood out here, it was fine for a return RP. You laid out the basic groundwork for your character (which has apparently evolved since last time). The only thing I didn't really like was how forced some of it was. Baller's interactions with his mother seemed to be pulled directly out of a cheesy sitcom, and I didn't like how you pointed out he had on a "$1,000 pair of Oakley sunglasses." I get it, he's trying to look his best, but you don't need to start dropping prices and brand names for no reason. Decent little RP, nothing really wrong with it.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Sam Smith

-Even though I've had mixed opinions about them, the inner monologue stuff you've been doing is a nice insight into what Sam is thinking

-This is mostly for me, because I thought I had a grasp on this but maybe not, is Sam an addict that fell off the wagon or has he always had these issues? I guess I'm missing something.

-The actual interview felt really generic to me. The part at the end about the people you've beaten was good, but the rest could've come from just about any heel RP.

-I'm probably creating a pot/kettle situation here, but I feel like you have 2 pretty good RP ideas there, but both were way too short to really mean anything. The opening section with Smith talking about his demons and personal life had a lot of potential, but you didn't really dive into it. Same with the backstage interview. You could have made an RP out of that, but instead, it was kind of short and generic.

I can't tell if that really made sense or not, PM me if you want me to elaborate or try to explain something better.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Mr. Baller (Baller): First off, welcome back to the fed bro. I hope to see you a longer time here.

Now, to start off with your RP, I would like to say that quite enjoyed it. It was a great way to bring back Baller to WZCW. It was good you brought up the way Baller was taken out and falling up on it. The contract negotiation was really fresh for me. It was something interesting to see.
What I would love for you to have done better is talk about Matt Tastic a bit more. It would give us insight on how much Baller has seen of WZCW. Maybe try to have Baller in the backstage and ask for some help from someone on what Matt Tastic has done recently. Which gives us an idea on how out of touch Baller has been with WZCW.

Mason and Derek (Thriller & Meeks): Since, both of you have requested some feedback I’ll give to you both as the same time. Due to the fact you’re a tag team, duh.

I’m starting to enjoy your guys RPs more and more. At first, I was real skeptical about this pairing. What I do want Derek to keep up doing is saying brother. One it reminds me of Hulk Hogan and two it fits into this pairing. I liked the flashback of the part of Mason. With this we now know something of his past and get a better understanding of him.

What I didn’t like was the three RPs parts. Why couldn’t have Meeks added it to his RP or vise versa. I just don’t personally like it at all. One thing that I really disliked was the ending with The Almighty. To me it felt way too much. However, I can persuade other wise, but until then I feel a bit uncomfortable with that part.

 

[The Crock]

Titus (Lee):

A Titus adventure? Count me in! I really liked what you managed to pull off with this RP, man. It was light-hearted, told an engaging story, and still managed to have something to do with your match -- the last point being something most people lose track of when they try to tell a story. No major complaints here, but I picked up on a few things you could have worked on. First, you need to proofread (or have someone else do it) to catch things like using the wrong word (you used "night" where I think it should have been "not" and you used "their" instead of "there," for example). Next, I think you could have used a little bit more detail in your flashback to Mexico. There were parts of it that seemed a little rushed -- the finish of Titus' match against el Smoochador suffered from this in particular. Rather than say, "...quickly turns the match around," you could have said how Titus turned the match around. Nothing particularly detailed, but something small like saying he threw a few kicks and punches would be enough to just add that extra bit of detail, though I could just be nitpicking. All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this RP and I'd love to see more of these types of RPs.

James Howard (Shotaro):

The first thing that jumped out at me with this RP was the formatting. Before I say anything else, I just want to point out how AWESOME this makes your RP look -- love the idea of making it look like a manuscript, very unique. I thought the tone and theme (vengeance) of the RP was very fitting for Howard. The whole storyline really has fit the character perfectly. We were first introduced to Howard as the disgraced MMA fighter, so it's nice to see elements of what got him there in the first place showing up. Being that the RP was just a vignette, I didn't expect there to be a lot packed on, but I felt like you could have added on to it a bit more. That's my only real complaint, I suppose (aside from small typos/formatting errors). I read it and felt like it was just missing a little something -- then again, you got your feelings over really well and it might have just deluded it, so maybe you made the right decision in cutting it off where you did. Either way, I thought this was a good RP. A little bare, but good.

 

[The Crock]

Celeste Crimson (Echelon):

This is probably one of the better RPs I've read this round. You covered all your bases -- we learned more about Celeste's condition and her past, we saw some of the relationships in her life, and you even managed to show Celeste's disdain for Holmes (and weaved her goals for the future into that, as well) -- and this whole RP came together very well. Above all else, you told a good story and kept me entertained (for the most part), and that's really the all I could have asked for as a reader.

I have a few minor complaints, but none of them really took all that much away from the RP. There were a few cheesy moments (Celeste punching the mirror was the biggest culprit), but it fit in with what you were trying to accomplish with your RP, so I can't complain. You also have a tendency to add in some unneeded details. Detail is good, but did we really have to know that Celeste's cleavage was directly in front of Dave's face? Was it necessary to point out that her eyes are heterochromic, when she was having a discussion with Big Dave (I know you were saying that her gaze had narrowed, but still)? Adding random little details can make an RP that much better, but if you add too many random details, it can come off as a little forced. My biggest complaint is the length of the RP, though. It's so heavy on content that it could be a little shorter and nobody would really notice. I got a little bored near the end, just because it felt like I'd already taken so much in.

Overall, this was a really good RP. I had a few complaints, but they were really minor (and probably had a lot to do with my personal preferences). Well done.

Derek Jacobs (Meeks):

You PM'ed this to me before you posted it and I gave you most of your feedback there, so this will be short. Like I said to Thriller, I really liked the formatting of the RPs from you guys this round. It may seem a little disjointed at first, but it's not something we usually see and it breaks up the monotony of reading the same type of RP every week. Content-wise, your RP was solid. You've been improving lots working with Thriller, and while you're still not perfect, it was an enjoyable read. My only qualm with your RP (unlike what I said to Echelon) was the lack of detail. Give a bit more description here or there, set the scene for the reader. If you do that, it'll make your RP a much better read.

Action Saxton (Doc):

This is going to be the worst feedback ever. Your RP is, by far, my favorite RP of the round. I giggled throughout -- it was fucking hilarious. Your RPs are always fun and never fail to entertain, but this one is probably my favorite of yours. You did an awesome job with Stan Rogers and, to be honest, the idea of having Sab, Sax, and Krypto transported to the past to battle an evil church trying to kill wrestling was brilliant. I guess some might take issue to the fact that you only directly referenced your opponents at the end of your RP, but you really didn't need to. Oh, I suppose you should watch out so you don't use a word like "unglued" too many times in quick succession while describing the crowd (you used it twice within a few paragraphs), but I'm just nitpicking and trying to find something wrong with the RP. Seriously good stuff here, Doc. I'll give you some feedback next round, since this did nothing but praise your RP the whole time.

Isabel Stone (Jessie Lynn DivaGirl):

This wasn't a bad RP, but it was pretty average. Most of the RP centered on trying to portray Izzy as some badass, while only focusing on your past. I would have liked to see Izzy cut a promo on Kurtesy, or something. You didn't completely neglect Kurtesy, but he was only there to play mom. You can get away with not talking about your match if you write a really engaging narrative, but I don't think you really pulled it off. It was decent, but it just seemed like you were really focused on character development this round and neglected your match (even if your opponent was prominent in the beginning of the RP). Also, the light blue color you used for Justin was an eyesore. Try to use something that's not so bright and is easy to read. There were a few small typos too, but that's not a big deal. So, pretty good job this week, but you've still got a lot of room to improve.

Connor Reese (Remix):

I haven't read much of your stuff as Reese, but I'm a fan so far. This RP,was interesting and basic, but it got the job done. Reese reminds me of Tommaso Ciampa, especially in this RP. He's the "perfect wrestler," but he has a bunch of handlers and whatnot -- it's interesting to see Connor's contrasting personalities, as a result. He's withdrawn and mostly listens in the meeting, but he plays himself up as a star in front of the camera. I like it, it gives the reader a different view of the character. My only complaint is that this got a little boring as it went on. This is basically what Thriller said to me about my RP this round, but you had two separate RP ideas and you kind of cut them both short and made one out of it -- and it suffered a little, as a result. It seemed like both parts of the RP were cut off before their climax and it just wasn't as engaging as it could have been. All in all, this was good, but it was a little boring and that held the RP back from being great.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Sam Smith

- I wish I had a professor say something motivational to me at some point. The opening is too short to offend anyone, and does a nice job setting the scene.

- For this RP it makes sense, but I'm not a fan of anything that can be perceived as devaluing a belt. I get why you did it, but I feel uncomfortable about it.

- You did a nice job of coming off face-ish before coming with the sucker punch of insulting the fans. I've always had a soft spot for that and you executed it nicely.

- This is probably the best overall RP of yours I've read since we started trading feedback. I haven't read Showtime's, but I'm confident that you have earned yourself at least a very strong showing against the champ.

Isabel Stone

(I figured I've given the other two in the mentor program feedback at different points, so here you go. I'm going to make more general points, because I think it'll be easier to get my points across that way.)

- You've done a good job of establishing Isabel's character, but, unless I missed it, I don't think you've really explored why she has so much anger. We get that she's kind of a bitch, but there is plenty more for you to show us about her.

- The part with the fans is a perfect example. She doesn't really have any reason to be a bitch to them, other than to be a bitch to them. If you build up a backstory, encounters like that will be much more effective.

- You also seem to have issues fitting in talking about your match. Your typical RP is 90% "Izzy is a bitch slash character development" and 10% "Oh shit, I still have to talk about my match." You've done okay with it so far because you are/were a better writer than most of the other mentees, but it won't get you far outside of that competition.

For example, you are in a triple threat this week, so you could have had her talking shit to two people in the bar and she ends up fighting them as practice. Or she meets with people that believe in aliens for tips on how to fight Krypto but ends up mocking them the whole time. You have a strong character and you are a good writer; don't let yourself fall into the habit of writing the same RP every week.

 

[Awesome_Miz]

Titus(Lee)- First off, that yellow type of coloring hurt my eyes. Try to bold it or use a different color. I have always like your style of RP, so keep it up. I see you used green twice maybe it was a mistake or something. It could throw off a reader. I liked the theme of this RP a lot. Which was being a hero. Also this part:

Titus: But Titus, I hear you say. How can you dislike Chris K.O. He's a hero, he saved WZCW, we love him! What did he save WZCW from? The mess that he brought? The chaos and darkness that he and his cronies ran rampant with? He brought us into that mess and I was one of the people who tried to put a stop to it. Hey no one remembers that though do they? He stopped the great Ty Burna something I couldn't do but it doesn't matter that Chris brought us into this mess.

That sounded more like Stacy than Titus for some reason.

Overall, very nice RP. Just those couple of things stood out the most out to me.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Awesome_Miz/Darren Bull

I'm torn on your opening. On one hand, I like the condition of Bull after he suffered a beat down in his last match. On the other hand the line "During, all of that dramatic stuff there wasn't anyone else giving a shit" was just a terrible line. Like it took away from the positive big time.

The dialogue is just...it isn't good. Like no doctor on Earth would ever tell a patient that his nurse was a "hot piece of ass"

Also why is Bull reading a comic called "The Alien and High School Queen Girl Are Finished"? It is one thing to have a character who reads comics. Bull is supposed to be a party guy, and typically those types of guys aren't big on comics, but I'm not going to hold that against you. I am going to hold the awful and overly convenient title against you though. It is one thing for a guy to be watching a blaxploitation film like "Shaft" or "Black Dynamite" or reading a Deadpool or Ronin comic before facing Saxoteur, but to make up a comic with a title like that isn't going to win any favors.

Also, why mention Joe Mason? Like, it was pretty out of left field. The same with your Kings of Hate days. Why bring it up? You guys had two matches, got gifted a title shot, and you no showed it. I'd bury that if I were you.

Your grammar and spelling mistakes weren't as bad as they have been in the past, but they still pop up more than they should.

There is one last thing I want to bring up, and I don't say this to be an asshole, I say this because it has to be said. You seem to post up your RPs at the last minute a lot, and almost every round you seem to be copying someone elses style. It almost looks like you wait until a good chunk of the RPs come in, your glance over them, and then write something up based on the style of someone who has a good RP. It isn't bad to read other RPs and then try to adopt the style of a guy who has been around a while and has had success, but you need to find your own style. Yeah you can pull things from here and there, but until you find what works for you personally and stick to it, you won't have much success.

MMSoldier/Jimmy Flynn

First off, I'm gonna say I'm not overly familiar with your new character yet.

I like the interview for the RP. One thing I have grown to dislike in my time in the fed is new characters who don't spend a lot of time allowing the reader to get to know their character. The interview approach is basic and isn't going to wow anyone, but with a newer character it is an approach I think works.

This isn't really about the RP, more about the character, but you seem to have a pretty straight laced face, he isn't a total white meat babyface, but respects rules and he is a good guy. I worry that may lead to a lack of long term options, but its early so I wouldn't make any drastic changes. Plus you have been here longer than I have, so you may know something I don't.

I think you had a pretty solid grasp on Leon. He is far and away the most commonly used interviewer, but not everyone can write him well. I think you did a solid job of capturing his personality.

You mentioned your previous win. I'm a fan of guys who pay attention to not only their own history, but recent fed happenings as well. Then you took it a step further and made mention of Sandy. A lot of people treat the fed like it is this tiny self contained universe. I'm not sure if you were impacted by the hurricane or not(hope not), but the mention was topical and relevant, and I like that.

Overall there isn't anything wrong with this RP, but I'm positive it isn't a winner. I think a normal 1v1 match, this could get you a W, but this was a tough match, especially for a new character. You made the most of it, you wrote a passable RP, advanced your character a little, you did nothing wrong in my eyes, you just didn't blow anyone away. I think a few predictions had you as the first going out, I don't think that will be the case, but regardless, like I said there is nothing wrong with this, it just wasn't going to blow anyone away.

Remix/Connor Reese

First off, congratulations on "winning" the Mayhem title. I'm not 100% sure where you plan to go with things, but despite our differences in the past one thing I can always say about you is you are a good writer and you usually have a plan. I eagerly await the results.

One thing, I never have trouble figuring out who is speaking in your RPs. You make sure your dialogue is tagged well. I can't believe how often that gets overlooked.

Your transition from face to heel has been good. Connor's lines at the show were well written. It felt like something a guy playing a heel at a small show would say.

Just something I am curious about. Does anyone every accuse you of spelling things wrong? Like in States we spell paycheck as paycheck, but I know in England you guys spell it paycheque. Like humor and humour, color and colour. Just something I wonder when reading some RPs from the UK guys.

My biggest gripe when Connor gave his speech towards Pete. It was good, but I can't help but feel like Pete should have had some lines.

Connor is interesting. The way you approach everything about him is interesting and makes me want more. I worry that you could flame out quickly, because it doesn't seem easy to write with all the characters around Connor, but right now you are on a pretty good roll.

Dynamite/Krypto

Your progression is evident. I'm not going to be as personal as when we PM back and forth, and I apologize for not getting back to you on your last one, but you are showing more growth.

I mentioned last time we were talking that it felt like you tried to do too much in your RP. This one isn't as bad, but you didn't totally cure the problem. This one isn't as jumbled, but it got crowded at times. I was able to read it all in one setting without starting over to make sure I didn't miss anything though.

I still giggle a little every time I read GARBAGE.

You did the "Feed Me More" thing. I get it given what Krypto has been going through, but taking from real life wrestlers seems to be frowned upon.

The mention of past fed characters was funny. I'd be careful when doing stuff like that, you don't to get in trouble or piss someone off, but it was funny.

You pushed some limits, they were funny, but you don't wanna DQ yourself over it. I'm not sure if you asked creative or if you asked the handler of the character, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

Overall you did take more positive steps. Some of your recent problems still exist, but they aren't as bad. Just make sure you stay the course and I think you will be fine.

Thriller/Mason Westhoff

I wanna say first off, you have a terrific voice for your character. It seems so natural. When I read it I don't have trouble picturing it coming from the mouth of a preacher.

I like how you tied your loss last round to the match this week. Too often people simply say "I lost last week, I have to win this week." You tied it together well.

One thing I like a lot, is that you don't ignore The New Church. I think when tag teams are put into non tag matches they forget their partner. With Saxoteur, those guys are attached at the hip. Strikeforce, two really good friends who share a house. TNC hasn't developed their dynamic completely, but you still made mention of Jacobs and put some building blocks in place for the future.

My biggest gripe, why so short? You are a pretty good writer, but you write so little in your RPs. I want more damn it.

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Jimmy Flynn (MMSoldier)

You're my boy so you know there's nothing malicious about what I'm saying. You've done pretty well with this character so far, you won your first match, did well in the Battle Royal and this RP was good. But you're getting generic. Three straight interview RPs? You're better than that. The RP's aren't bad but they're boring, I appreciate the simplicity factor with how crazy the RPs around here can get some days but it's becoming dull. The questions are generic and the answers are expected. Nothing has happened in any of your RPs. A good interview RP is fine every couple of RPs to break the mold and get some outside insight story wise but usually something happens before or after the interview. You've had 3 RPs so far and all we know about Flynn is he's an average dude from Maine who loves to wrestle. You told us that in the first RP. If you were another poster I probably would stop reading your RPs because you've given me no reason to keep reading but I know you can do better. One of the fears I had for your character was that it was going to get old fast because hometown boy baby faces tend to do that. I don't know if anyone else takes the same stance as me, maybe creative doesn't since you've been doing well, but coming from me this shit's getting boring.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Sam Smith

- One of the fun things about trading feedback with someone everyone is finding stuff like formatting changes. There's nothing bad about it, however, I do wish you had separated the opening thoughts somehow. Italics or something to mark a break would've helped there.

- You did an excellent job of writing Rush and using him to show just how impacted Sam was by Showtime's words. It's difficult to use the interviews in that way, so this was an excellent choice.

- There was some good tension between the two of them. I doubt it is coming any time soon, but it was enough to make me want to see what'll happen when one finally turns on the other.

- The ending was an issue, but I think it was more a result of how nicely you worded it than any sort of necessity. The part where Sam is thinking about how he and Celeste might not be that different really made me want to see/hear Sam spiraling through his depression as he realizes he might be the perennial upper midcarder. I don't think the RP necessarily suffers from that not being in there, but there is some very intriguing potential there.

 

[The Crock]

Mason Westhoff (Thriller):

• I'm a big fan of the little opening in this RP. It sets the tone for the entire RP and ties into something you'll talk about later in the RP.
• This RP is really different and I really like it. The lack of dialogue (save for the bit at the end) is refreshing, truth be told.
• This RP pinpoints a solid character attribute of Westhoff's: his need for control. You can't go wrong with character development.
• The only flaw was how you didn't really talk about your opponents much. You tie this match back in with your debut, but it felt like you could have expanded on that. Then again, your vision for the RP is more important than most anything -- so, maybe it would have seemed forced had you added onto it.

Action Saxton (Doc):

• The set-up to your RP immediately drew me in. The description was short, but just enough to create an image of the setting in my head.
• The little things in your RP are what make me laugh the most -- the guy tying his motorcycle to a camel had me giggling. It's hilarious and over-the-top when you think about it, but you're not forcing it down the reader's throat. This applies to all the jokes in your RPs; they're funny because you don't try too hard.
• The exchange about why they're in Timbuktu is the highlight of the RP for me. It's a really fun read.
• Marked like hell for Hunter Kravinoff. Seriously. Awesome.
• I love all the outlandish and hilarious characters you bring into your RPs for just one role. The courier was golden. Well done.
• My only complaint would be the lack of real focus on your match, but the whole RP was about clearing your name after what the New Church pulled, so you didn't really have to talk about the match. A mention or two about Holmes, Callahan, Titus, and Showtime would have been nice, but I can't hold that against you.

Jacoby Capone (Smizzyy):

• Great description to open the RP.
• The premise of the RP is fairly interesting. You tied it in nicely with what you were trying to say (no more being a spectator, etc.).
• I liked the overall piece, but it seems like you made Runn an afterthought. Your RP made it seem like you were looking past him (to me), which I can't say I'm a fan of.
• The RP ended a little too hastily, for my liking. It seemed like you rushed everything Capone was going to say out and then just wrapped it up.
• Overall, I enjoyed the RP, but there were a couple of flaws that stood out to me. I did like the fact that you tried to establish yourself as a threat, though. It'll be close between you and Runn, though.

 

[smizzy]

Sam Smith (Crock)

- Right off the bat, I know how Sam feels and what emotions he is going through. This sets the tone for the RP because I know what is behind Smith's remarks and actions.

- Liking the scene you described. The slum enviroment adds to the uncomfortable atmosphere between Smith and Rush as their encounter intensifies.

- The dialogue was strong; it flowed, felt natural and what you were trying to say came across easily. I could tell Sam was stressed and could feel the mood change as Rush's empathy turned to anger. One line that really supported that with a strong visual was: "Every word seemed to scowl on Rush's face more pronounced as he got angrier and angrier."

- You talk about how both you and Crimson have aspirations of winning the gold and then mention that a win over her would

-
- Another thing came off as strong for Sam was that this RP convinced me that Sam has reason to win, he has to win. Who knows what will happen he doesn't.

- As you know, there were a few minor errors; some left out words here and there but nothing that distracted me from the overall message of the RP.

- You mention that both you Crimson have aspirations of winning the gold and then follow with this sentence: "Regardless, Celeste was a respected competitor by management and the rest of the locker room, a win over her would do quite a bit to put Smith back on track toward his plans." This starts out to be a strong statement but it didnt' turn out to be as powerful as it could have. I think you could have went more into detail than just vaguely suggesting that it would be a good thing for you aspirations if you pick up this win. That's obvious. It would be good for Celeste to be you as well. Get into that about why you need it more than her. If you see what I'm getting at. You could have got more bang for you buck with that particular statement.

Well, I attempted to be critical, but you made it a difficult task. Solid roleplay throughout and an easy read, which is something in itself.

 

[The Crock]

Grand Mystique (Numbers):

• Right as I started reading your RP, the mood just set in. The way you write fits the image I have of your character.
• I liked the point of attack against Constantine in your RP. It was about his ego and about destroying him and what he represents. I like that more than your standard, "I deserve to win, because..." RP.
• The reference to Bowen was a nice touch, too. Keeps your feud/issue with him in the back of the reader's mind.
• I'm not a fan of the lack of description. Straight dialogue can be a little tedious -- though, your RP was on the short side, so it managed to be fairly interesting throughout. Still, I would have liked to have an image of Grand Mystique saying all of this.

John Constantine (Dave):

• Pretty straightforward concept here. I like it.
• The whole "King" thing is a little played out. I get that you're the King for a Day and want to play off of that, but it's just so obvious -- half the people in the KFAD match at KC started teasing the whole "King" thing.
• I like the idea of Constantine re-emerging after last week, taking what he thinks is his, etc.
• Even though I think the "King" idea is a little weak, your execution in this RP was stellar. The way Constantine spoke down to the crowd, his mannerisms, his dialouge -- everything was very articulate and well-done.

Steven Holmes (FunKay):

• I REALLY liked this RP. The music was a nice way to start things off, helps get the reader in the right mindset to fully enjoy your RP.
• The dream sequence was really interesting -- it's not something you usually see around here. Keeps things fresh.
• Holmes continues to grow better and better as a heel. The way you talk about your adversaries in your RPs is really excellent. The words aren't just empty, they're believable; I honestly believe that Holmes hates Big Dave, Titus, etc.
• I suppose my only complaint about this RP is the fact that you seem to be a victim of your own verbosity, at times. I understand that the Holmes character has a unique way of speaking, but you can still say things in a much more concise manner, you know? It seems like you drag things on just a bit. Still, it didn't hurt my enjoyment of this RP all that much.

 

[Lee]

Lord Sidious

I loved the fact that this RP was so good my eyes refused to acknowledge its greatness and I just saw a blank screen.

You're definitely winning this match.