RP Feedback Thread

[TBK]

TIME FOR LATE NIGHT FEEDBACK

Celeste Crimson

- Initially Scrolling down, I was a bit worried due to the big block of text and I've admittedly only read your All Stars promo before this, and that's All-Stars. Honestly? It's a really good read and keeps me hooked.

- Just me, but I'm really not big on kayfabe breaking during promos. I can understand the "Patricia" thing, as they're old friends but mentioning the Arashi stuff as just a 'gimmick' irked me for some reason.

- Celeste's voice is terrific.

- No real grammar or spelling errors I noticed.

- Great RP, really enjoyable

 

[Thriller Ant]

http://forums.wrestlezone.com

- The savior of ours? Why not our savior? Holding what in pain? And did you just use the word "fly" not ironically?

- Unnecessary comma number 1 after Yells

- I'm just gonna start skimming at this point. The narration is just goofy and distracts from the scene you are trying to present.

- For ever unnecessary comma you have, you are missing one somewhere else.

What are Darren’s true thoughts lets listen to the great conquer.

- That line makes me want to vomit. Just horribly punctuated and adds absolutely nothing to the RP.

- I can't see Constantine just rolling over for his mentee like that. I understand that Bull is a cocky heel, but at least make the interaction realistic.

Sorry for being so harsh. The idea you had going into this was good, with the interview about last week and meeting with Constantine about this week. The execution, however, was sub par at best. This mentor program is a huge opportunity for you. Dave is an excellent RPer and can help you out a lot if you'll let him. Take advantage of this chance, because with RPs like this one, you won't get off of Aftershock any time soon.

 

[Silly Willy Nilly Vanilly in the Milly]

OK, feedback time...

Isabel Stone
Starting off, I really like the use of Kurtesy, esp. the line "Isabel, stop watching that, it's unhealthy." Don't really know why, but I found it interesting and it grabbed my attention to the RP, which I like.
I really liked the back-and-forth dialogue betwixt Isabel and Kurtesy about her previous matches and about fear- it really sets up what happens next with the thugs and the dialogue of the following day.
Overall, I like the RP- you really show the face/heel frustration betwixt Kurtesy and Stone (respectively) and had good dialogue. Keep up the good work.

James Howard
First off, I must say I really like the formal first-person style you use. It's very appealing to me.
I really like the dialogue between all the characters- it was very interesting.
My favorite part was the ending, of course. Alex's heart attack really buzzkills the proposal, which I loved. Keeps me waiting for your next RP.
Only thing I could say is maybe you could have mentioned the New Church a bit more, but the RP's ending makes me really not care. Keep it up.

Celeste Crimson
Despite its length, I really liked the intro- very detailed, very good.
The dialogue was just as good- I always find Celeste's dialogue to be great; serious, but hilarious when the time is right.
The mention of Arashi is interesting- I really like this pairing, perhaps my favorite of the Mentor Program. I do sort of question the line "I scoffed, 'That's his gimmick.'" I understand why it's there, but it just seems strange, but maybe it's just me.
Overall, a solid RP as usual- very nice work.

Steamboat Ricky
Before I go anywhere, I have to say- the Gasparrrri Nutrition gets me rolling, EVERY DAMN TIME.
The first thing I noticed was you put "knew" rather than "new." (Grammar Police thing, sorry)
I really like the back-and-forth betwixt Ricky and Leon. I especially loved "Right...so it's also very complicated. Are you confused, Leon? Do you need some Gasparrrrri Nutrition ANALgesic Buttpaste?" I literally lol'd at that.
I also love the bash of Joe Mason- I did similar in my RP, so it really builds tension between the pair, considering it is a face/heel pair. Really looking forward to what comes next between us. And no, I don't need Buttpaste, but thanks for the offer.
Overall, a good RP as usual- keep up the good work, and keep making new products from Gasparrrri Nutrition!

Krypto
I really enjoyed this RP. The use of SaboSaxton was on the money IMO, and I loved Saboteur trying to ditch Saxton- made me laugh.
I also really liked the use of Lars- I like the fact Krypto is "learning" about the wrestling biz and I like the mix-up of names with Arashi and Ashanti- best part of the RP.
I liked how RJ tried to convince Krypto to take Arashi out permanently- makes for some good tension and keeps me waiting for the next RP.
The ending was decent- I did like when Saxton said, "This sucka may be an idiot, but he’s our idiot!"
Overall, a pretty good RP, but there were words and commas left out of certain places that made for confusion, mainly in your descriptive italics. Just make sure to keep those in check and keep up the good work.

 

[Silly Willy Nilly Vanilly in the Milly]

More feedback...

Derek Jacobs
First off, I must say I truly love this new tag team- it really interests me. Kind of reminds me how we almost made a tag team... the House of Pain still lives in my heart, bro.
Anyway, I really like the dialogue betwixt Derek and James- I knew this was coming (Derek wanting to convert James), but the way it was presented was great nonetheless. It also gives it a nice amount of tension- keeps me waiting for your next RP, which I love.
I really like the preaching of Westhoff and the testimony of Jacobs. However, I still await the backstory as to how the pair met. Next RP, maybe?
Overall, loved it. Just get me a backstory next time and keep up the great work.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Doc

Oh sweet Jesus what an RP you wrote this week. The story that you told, from the epic battle between Sabo and his arch nemesis the claw machine all the way until you guys left Krypto standing in the woodline was hilarious. Honestly bro that was one of the best RP's I've ever read. I really didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors either which was a plus. Another killer RP bro.


Miz

Bro there's really not much more I can say about this RP that Thriller hasn't already said. You've had some pretty good success over the last couple of rounds, and honestly I think it's because your RP sucked less than the people you were up against. I hate being harsh, but you really really need to step your game up man. You've been here longer than me, so I would expect that you would know how to put a good RP together by now, but it seems like you take one step forward and three backward. Hopefully you can learn a lot from Dave.

 

[Silly Willy Nilly Vanilly in the Milly]

And MORE Feedback...

Saboteur
My God, I LOVED the Toy Story reference. It was my favorite movie as a child. I felt Sabo's pain with the crane game, as I've only gotten something from it once (a plush Stewie Griffin).
Anyway, I loved the whole freaking RP- I was laughing pretty much the entire time. The only thing I can say is that maybe you could've made a bit more mention of your opponents, but Saxton's speech negated that for me.
Keep up the great (and hilarious) work- really waiting to see where this mentor group goes.

Mason Westhoff
First off, I'm the Mason around these parts, damn you! Just kidding.
Anyway, I liked how Derek blamed the loss on "the fat one." Pure heel right there.
Overall, I can't really say anything bad about the RP, but I do have a couple of questions that hopefully will be answered in time:
1) Who or what is the Almighty? Never figured that out yet.
2) How did the New Church meet and become a team? Backstory?
Just keep these in mind... but don't answer it right away- keep the slow build, keep the tension- it's great.
Keep up the good work.

 

[BK Styles]

Mick Overlast

First of all, congrats on retaining the title last round. As gutted as I am that I couldn't beat you, I wasn't disappointed. You've been serving up some killer work recently and you definitely deserve it.

Now, your RP this week. It's nice to see a change in setting; your use of off-camera promos to live crowds has been great, but it's nice to see a change every once in a while to keep things fresh.

'I really am an asshole.' Brilliant.

Overlast, you bad, bad man. I love it. There's something about his thought process that just makes me wanna nod and say 'Well played, sir'. He is a proper asshole, but it's interesting how you turn that into a strength, namely with his intelligence. I like that he knows where his strengths and weaknesses are, and that he isn't just a kind of 'I'm the best at everything; bow to me!' kinda guy.

It's intriguing how most of the RP is in Overlast's head, and there are only four lines of dialogue, compared to your speech-heavy ones from the last few rounds. But that's all that's needed here; Overlast going over the situation in his head, and the seemless flow into thinking about Triple X, then Justin Cooper. It all connects together really well, and it shows how you can make a successful RP that covers all necessary bases with hardly any talking.

If there's anything at all that I don't like (and I'm nitpicking MASSIVELY here) it's that there's possibly a bit too much focus on Triple X in comparison to Cooper, though as X is the guy you beat for the strap, it's only natural he'd be on your mind. But a bit more focus on your opponent here wouldn't go amiss, maybe.

There's nothing revolutionary about this RP. In fairness, it's pretty basic. But basic is fine when it's done well, and that's exactly what you've done. I've really enjoyed your RP's recently and this is no exception. Not as good as your previous one, but not by much. still a very good piece. Best of luck this week.

 

[Silly Willy Nilly Vanilly in the Milly]

More feedback, cuz FWR had to be all late (jk)...

The Angel
First thing I noticed was "outloud" had no space betwixt it. There were also a few other grammar errors, mainly lack of commas, so that will need some work.
Anyhow, I did like the dialogue betwixt Angel and Titus. It was pretty good, and I think your usage of Titus was pretty solid.
Sorry, happened to notice this, and I laughed my ass off:

On every table there is candles, with the Virgin Mary on them ass well.

Overall, pretty good, just work on that grammar and keep up the good work, bro.

 

[Jessie Lynn DivaGirl]

Joe Mason

If there were any grammar mistakes I didn't pay attention to them because I simply don't care about that.
Overall RP was overly decent, I liked he kept straight to the match and brought it about in a calm matter. You described your opponent as you see him and I liked how you pretty much mocked him during the description.
Beginning was nice, kind of eerie flashbacks And speaking of eerie...
The end was excellent in my opinion. I'm a big mystery person so it leaving off with an obvious threat whispering as Mason falls asleep was awesome.

Grade: B+

 

[Kermit]

Alhazred:

• I like that you brought in Mister's daughter.
• You are a great writer of dialogue, but I personally would love to see the in-between of the dialogue. I want to know how each one of them reacts to certain lines. It doesn't have to be interjected after every line, but it would be cool if there was more.
• I find it odd that Missy switches from using "ass" to "booty". Stick with one word woman!
• Well, that ended faster than I expected.
• Overall, there was no pizzazz. As always, your dialogue carries your work in a strong fashion. I am never bored when reading your work, but I felt like all we talked about was varying methods in which Barbosa could be crushed. I liked that we began to see the resentment of Alhazred being a second-slot player. I hope that you expand on that further. I think Missy will be a great asset to your future RPs. I am not going to sit here act like you aren't one of the better RPers in this fed. At the end, I enjoyed your work even though very little happened in it. That is saying a lot.

Arashi:

• Typos in the opening paragraph are never good. If anything, I would say that the opening paragraph and the climax of the RP should always be the things that are proof-read if nothing else. These are the two things that really draw the reader in. One missed word or a confusing sentence can totally jerk me out of any connection that you were trying to establish with my mind.
  
• Not a big fan of the past tense style, but that is just me.
  
• A few typos, but nothing significant.
  
• The second half of your RP is definitely the best.
  
• That being said, I was getting conflicting signals from Arashi in his promo. He calls Krypto a rising star and says that he could be a top face, but then says he is going to destroy the "midget" and embarrass him. It sounds like he respects Krypto at various points in his promo, but then he totally dogs him as a joke.
  
• Also, I am not amused by the extremity of your woman-hating gimmick. I like the woman-hating aspect, because it is unique, but I don't like how far you take it, at least in this RP. Referencing them as a "wet cunt", talking about grabbing their tits, and depicting what seems to be rape by your character is all a little too much for me. I think you can get your woman-hating gimmick across without being so distasteful. Maybe I am in the minority here, but I just didn't like how it came across.
  
• Overall, I loved the promo at the end, despite what I said. I would highly suggest changing the tense in which you write in the first part. You have all the great ground works of a big star. I am very impressed with the type of elements you have already incorporated, such as an efficient supporting NPC that develops your character. I'll be keeping an eye on your work.

Sam Smith:

• I loved the opening recap.
  
• Not sure why his thoughts are in blue, but his first-person account of the scene is not.
  
• Short and sweet. I liked the classiness of this piece.
  
• I see that Rush raised his glass at the end, but I don't ever require reading where he got the drink. Details like this would flesh-out your RP nicely.
  
• Overall, nothing felt forced and we got a short solid piece from you. However, I don't think it would of hurt to include some more detail about your home or the scene. Hell, you could of devoted an entire section to the innards of Sam's house. There is some great writing here, but I personally wanted a little more.

 

[The Crock]

Thriller:

• The Lesson of the Day is a cool lead-in to your RP.
• Solid interplay between Jacobs and Westhoff.
• The dialogue was solid throughout, but it lacked descriptive details. You got your point across, but I would have liked to have a better "image" of what was going on in the interview area.
• Overall, I think you have an excellent grasp on the character and it makes for an interesting read. Westhoff has a distinct "voice" that will make him stand out from the roster. The RP had a few flaws -- mostly the fact that it lacked descriptive detail -- but it was a fun read, nevertheless.

Kermit:

• Similar to what I said to Thriller, I really like the quote to open your RP. It sets the tone for the whole piece.
• The descriptions are top notch, as is the dialogue.
• I love some of the references to history you make in your RPs, it actually adds some interest to the RP.
• It starts to drag a bit just after the middle -- just a little too slow.
• Overall, this is a really good RP. You covered a plethora of topics and told an excellent story. It did drag on a bit and the whole hero/White Knight thing is a but cheesy for my tastes, but it still gets the job done.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Joe Mason

First question. Why did you not include more interaction with your mentor? Ricky is a really nice guy and I know from experience he is easy to talk to. Go to win for advice. You are winless, he is a legend. Do the match brother.

You have been jumping gimmicks a lot recently. Last week you were some snobby English guy, this week you are some emo who talks to your stuffed tiger...at least thats what I took away from it. I understand that you are at this stage where you are trying to find something that works, but making random jumps like you are in Quantum Leap is going to help.

When you talk about your opponents strengths and weaknesses, be creative about it. Don't just say "Well X person is good at this, so I have to stay away from that"

Another thing, your character is pretty bland. If I was Vince McMahon and I called your character a vanilla midget it would be a compliment. Your character is that dull. Work with Ricky, work with someone, try to find something that works. Your character is a master of submissions, use that.

I don't want to be a dick here, and if it offends you feel free to PM and we can talk it out, I'm just trying to help.


Jacoby Capone

First off I want to say your character is fairly interesting. I think it has potential if you find a consistent path for him to stay on.

I'm not gonna call you great, but for a guy in his 2nd match(I believe this is number 2 right?) you are a good RPer. If you take feedback to heart you should do well for yourself.

Like Shotaro mentioned, the opening scene was a bit off. Capone is sweating simply from walking. Now this would be okay if he had been working out or just finishing up a run,but you didn't mention that. If he is a good athlete like you say he is he shouldn't be sweating from a basic activity like walking. He isn't my character, the fattest guy on the roster lol.

I think at times you over formatted a bit. You want to make sure that your RPs are easy on the eyes. I don't use it often personally, but using bold or italics can be useful, just don't go overboard with it.

Your dialogue is pretty solid for a new guy. That should continue to improve as your overall skills improve.

I think if you stay the course you should make an impact sooner rather than later. I'd say you have a solid shot at a win this week.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Grand Mystique

- The ways you talked about/cut down your opponents were excellent. Perfect example of how to use characters against themselves in an RP

- This is the 1st or 2nd RP as this character almost any of us have ever read, and I already feel as though I have a solid grasp on what GM is all about. There is still room for growth, as there always is, but I feel as though I understand him without needing to look at his roster page. Very well done.

- I liked that you called the rest of the scene unimportant, but then it bugged me when it did end up mattering. It might be personal preference, but I would have liked to picture the whole scene from the start, rather than a table, some cards and a crystal ball just popping up.

- You made a passing reference to Ty in here, and that's what I could see being your biggest issue with this character: He comes off very similar to Ty. It is something that I wanted to make sure got thrown out there. You are way too good of an RPer to just rehash Ty, and I know you won't. I can't wait to see what you can do with GM.

 

[Thriller Ant]

James Howard

- I saw a couple formatting errors. Nothing major, but those type of things always shock me out of the scene.

- I loved the section where you talked about everything going wrong, I just wish you would have built upon that for your ending. You had a great set up there, but didn't capitalize on it as well as you could have.

- The explanation behind the heel turn and everything was solid.

- This was a good RP, but I feel like you stopped just short of making it great. I got the anger and frustration from James, I just felt you could have run a lot farther with it.



Sam Smith

- Your intro this week worked a lot better for me. It led into what Sam had to say very nicely and let us into his motivation for what he was about to do.

- I do, however, have some issue with this happening at a house show. Why wouldn't you do this at TV? I understand the limitations of a RP in an efed, but why not set up outside the arena for Meltdown, like Chris Jericho or Kevin Steen have done? If Smith wants to reach a wide audience, like I'm sure he does, why pick a random house show? Little things like that can really add to a RP.

- I had issues with the crowd falling silent at first, but the more I think about it, the more I think that's probably a legitimate response. They wouldn't expect you to come through the crowd and just go off on other wrestlers like that so shocked silence is a distinct possibility.

- Everything else was great. I felt Smith's frustration at the status quo and his pride in what he's done to destroy it. You have a really good grasp on this incarnation of Sam Smith, and I enjoy watching where you go with him.

 

[The Crock]

Grand Mystique:

• Not a fan of the beginning of the RP. Yeah, it's different, but details certainly are important.
• Mystique is quite the departure from Reynolds. You haven't disappointed, though. Your RP as Mystique has "Heel: 101" down pat and I'm really getting into what you're trying to say.
• Something a lot of people lack in their RPs is direction -- I can't say the same about you. You laid down the path for Mystique perfectly, I know what he strives for.
• A downside to this RP is that it seemed a bit monotonous. You broke it down with descriptive lines every now and then, but you could have probably used more. I love it when an RP paints a vivid picture and -- while this one had a great tone/mood to it -- you didn't really paint that picture for me.

Mason Westhoff:

• I really like the image of Westhoff and Jacobs pushing themselves physically to further build on their strength advantage. Simple, but it works.
• The interplay between Jacobs and Westhoff is still interesting to me. Jacobs is clearly the student, as Westhoff is the teacher, but Jacobs is actually the WZCW veteran out of the two.
• The RP gets a little "meh" in the middle there. It's okay, but it's just really basic. I want to see more of Westhoff's character and I didn't see that in this RP. Not to mention, I wasn't really feeling the heel vibe from this.
• I like the cliffhanger ending. It keeps me interested for your next piece.
• Overalk, it's a solid RP, but you didn't take significant steps in either direction. Basic stuff.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Crock
I love the direction you're taking Sam Smith. I was never very familliar with him before as you were still RP'ing as TLT, but as hokey and corny as TLT was (in an awesome way) Sam Smith is dark and serious. I already told you this before, but the team you have with Rush is awesome. Your RP's are always solid. I'm a fan of your work. Keep it up.

Krypto

This thing had me laughing the whole way through. I knew that you and SaboSax would have chemistry, but I honestly didn't think that you guys would gel this quick. Your RP's are slowly improving, and I think that this is your best one yet. Keep up the great work man.

 

[Lee]

Darren Bull

• You may be too poor for a sponsor, but your mentor is not.
• "My lost" should probably be defeat or loss. Lost is the wrong word here.
• Cliche # 1: Telephone/text
• Cliche #2: Not knowing who your opponent is
• Sometime close should be sometime soon
• Stroke me should be struck me

I don't mean to be harsh but it is a fairly average RP. I do like the basic level of content and I do like the fight you have in you regarding Constantine.

I would recommend sending your RP to someone before posting as quite often some of the English doesn't sound right.

You are making improvements though, just keep on keepin on.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

The New Church

Derek Jacobs

-I like how you finally went into detail about how Jacobs and Westhoff met, I believe that was a huge piece missing from you guy's first tag team RP.

- Love the length, makes it easier to read over.

- There wasn't much to this RP besides the flashback but you kept it simple and it had it's purpose, good job.

Mason Westhoff

-What Crock said about Jacobs and Westhoff was spot on, the dynamic is really interesting to me.

- The RP does become slightly bland to me in the middle, maybe it's because I'm just not a fan of the whole I'm a big guy so that automatically means I'm going to be able to dominate a smaller man speech most heels give.

- I felt this RP had a lot more to do with the match and what a win against a former World Champion would do for the New Church, maybe it's just me but I still feel your RP's have a lot more substance than Meeks. But in a sense Jacobs is also in the mentor program as you're helping become better so there's always room for improvement. Interested to see what the letter is about, good RP.

Titus

-Well as I said before I don't read you on a constant basis man, so I apologize if any of my feedback is a little off.

- I don't know who the voice is, I think he may be a NPC of yours I'm not sure but he plays his role well in this RP as he stops Titus's doubts about being a mentor. Though if this isn't an old NPC and this is new I'd love to know more about who this voice is.

-Okay, just read Titus say 'thanks father' so now I'm going to assume we seen the voice before. I'm getting a Superman talking to Jor-El Solitude of Fortress type feeling about that part. I know Titus used to be a Superhero so I believe this intentional right? If so good job.

-I was hoping for a lot more Angel in this RP just like I was hoping for a lot more Titus in Angel's RP last round. I think they're many possibilities for character development between you two and while we do get some with Titus here and I still feel that when this whole Mentor thing is over Angel is just going to be a goody two shoes face. But who knows I haven't fully read Angel's RP yet.

- You and Angel are arguably the best pair in the mentor program right now. That being said I'm interested in seeing what Titus ends up doing at the PPV as well as the rookies. Good RP but I don't think you'll win, I just feel the TNC needs to win this for story line purposes but who knows.

 

[Shotaro]

Grand Mystique (Numbers)

You know your character well and you've taken the picture I had in my mind of a crazier magical version of Batman and it seems as though you've run with it; I like the character. I did not however like this RP, for no other reason than I found it to be bland and quite run of the mill. You talk about your opponents, you try to get into their heads a little but the whole RP falls rather flat for me.

The quality of writing is fine but I just despise monologues and although I like the concept I found that really difficult to get past.

One nit-pick I will add is that right at the start you state that "The details [of the room] are unimportant" then summarily bring out several props throughout the RP. There's a table in front of him - you might deem the table to be unimportant but in my mind I can't imagine the scene without imagining a table and, given my propensity for silliness, I may assume the table is painted pink and covered in rainbows and ponies with voice activated lights for eyes. It could potentially come close to ruining the atmosphere of the RP (if only because of my natural curiosity); something that the opening line sets up beautifully.

Writing wise the RP is functional if a little bland but crucially it does work and I think it's got as much chance of being a winner as any other. I love the character but I'd like to see more of the spots like the crystal ball and less massive paragraphs of dialogue.

Mason Westhoff/New Church (Thriller)

I think you've settled into your new character with aplomb and it's clear reading your RPs that you are loving writing him. One thing I will say from a Tag Team perspective is plan your RPs together more, chronologically Mason's happens first but leaves a plot thread hanging that isn't even mentioned in Jacob's RP - if it happens afterwards it would likely be a driving force of the story. Also Anachronistic posting is something I'm not a fan of, if your story happens first you should post it first, it just makes for easier reading and is one of the things that me and Yazloz make pains to achieve (our RPs are posted in the right order and are adjacent.)

Writing wise there is little to fault, you have the character nailed on pretty well and you clearly have things like his vocabulary well fixed in your mind.

A few nit-picks here but nothing too major.

Squats is ambiguous - I assumed you were doing squats without weights so when you swapped weights it caught me off guard for a second and did jar me a little. Barbell squats would've sufficed.

Who times their use of weights? it's sets and reps that matter, nothing else. Also why only 20 seconds (I assume 20 seconds to allow for time to switch weights and move and get started since there are only thirty seconds left at the start of the RP) of curls? Unless you were doing one a second that's only 20 and if you're tired I'd imagine just ten to fifteen. I just found it a little odd is all.

How big is the bloody training center? A track implies a 400m distance track, that would make the training center the size of a football (soccer) pitch. That's fucking massive for a training center, especially when the implication is that you own it for yourselves.

I like the character and I liked this RP despite the moments where my brain began screaming - you write dialogue fantastically well but your descriptions sometimes lack a level of clarity that can jar me out of the story you're trying to tell quite sharply. This is the first RP of yours I've read before your match (I rarely read my opponents RPs at all) and your writing of Westhoff so far has been impressive.

 

[a0161613]

Thriller/Mason Westhoff

• I like this length for the RP. I’ve often criticised them for being short in the past but this really was perfect. I know you are never going to write an epic so it’s important to cram as much into what you do write as possible. I think this is ideal.
• It’s good to see normal behaviour, you two are doing the religious leader/follower thing but you are athletes as well and you aren’t going to be able to cut a preaching promo every week. Talking strategy is useful too and it was done well within the religious gimmick.
• Plus I like the ending, simple,effective and intriguing.

Crock/Sam Smith

• I have to say, both you and Merk really get across how much Rush and Smith believe in their quests, Rush as someone who is determined to leave his mark on everyone who gets in his way as he builds his legacy and Smith as someone who has been wronged and is desperate to correct it. You certainly can’t rant like that every week but in a public setting like this was I think it’s OK.
• I’m certainly not convinced about the setting. You’re good enough to carry it off but it’s a little boring. Thriller made a good point here.

Smizzy/Jacoby Capone

• You and your partner make the same mistake, the most obvious of which is leaving the promo to the last minute and in both cases it comes off as an afterthought. It’s not a good thing. Capone talks aloud to himself at the end? There’s no point to that but I’d put it down to being a rookie mistake.
• You both try and tell a story to your credit.
• The formatting here is a bit of a mess with spacing being a real problem.
• One thing I don’t see here is any hint or direction to your characters’ gimmick.
• You should have worked together here to do something with your promos.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Pancake/Ricky Runn
I like your RP this week. It was a little short, but I believe that you got your point across with everything that you needed to do. Speaking to your father in a letter was a different route to go, and it's cool that you mentioned your opponents/partners. I think you could've gone into more detail, but everything else was good. No grammar/spelling issues or anything of the sort. A solid RP.

Crock/Sam Smith
I think I say this every time I give you feedback, but man I fucking love where Sam Smith is going. You're in a dark dark place right now and you've pulled me in for the ride. Everything from throwing the Elite X championship on the ground and spitting on it to telling your ex "fuck you" was riveting. I can't wait to see where you take Smith next. I'm a fan. Keep it up.

 

[Beastmode 24]

FWR/Angel
Your RP this week was one of the better ones I've seen from you. It was a good story, but I did notice some formatting errors. Nothing big, but stuff that could've been cleaned up. I looked at it before you posted it up, but after reading it again I still like it. The date is messed up, because 2001 is 11 years ago, not 8. Other than that I liked it. Good job.

 

[BK Styles]

Angel (Finder Wooer Ryder)


First off, be careful to double check spelling and continuity issues. Very early on I noticed:

"Angel picks up a single rose from the ground next to him. He rubs it against his mask where is lips areas if to kiss it and sets it next to the tombstone. "

It's only a minor thing, and it happens to everyone. And I know what you mean to say here, but even little things like this can be off putting, especially early on in an RP.

Also, as mentioned by meeks, the date on the tombstone doesn't match Angel's words.

Formatting-wise...I really like the way you present your RP's. Initially I thought the bold was a bit too much, but it's clear, easy to read and it works really well at highlighting the difference between speech and actions.

As for the content...intriguing route to go down here. it could come across to some as a bit cheesy maybe, and possibly a bit too far-fetched, but I think you've played it well by having Adan appear whenever angel isn't conscious. It gives it more of a chance of being just something Angel is imagining, but also leaves the door open to the possibility of it being real.

And with that, I do like the conflict between Angel and Adan at the end. The way you've written it could be interpreted as how it's presented (Adan telling Angel what to do), or it could be interpreted as Angel's darker side fleshing through subconsciously. And either way, I like it.

You've written a good roleplay here, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I'll admit I wasn't sold on your gimmick originally, but after reading your RP's I get it. It works, and you use it well. The only big gripe I can find here is grammar, and even then I've seen much, much worse. But it's easy to read, compact and to the point, and it tells an intriguing story. Keep heading in this direction man, this is good stuff.

With those who have already posted at the time of me writing this (Isabella Stones and Krypto), this match is tough to call. But you've got as good a chance at either of them, as the quality between the three of you has been fantastic. Best of luck!

 

[Beastmode 24]

Isabel Stone
Your RP's keep getting better and better. This one is no different. The father's death and the mother's return was a good story to tell. It might just be me, but it seems like you're trying to turn face? I can see some manipulation going on still, and it might just be me misinterpreting it, but that's what I see.

It was a good, solid RP, and you've improved a lot since you've been here. I'll still give you shit for thinking awesome_miz was an alignment, though.

 

[BK Styles]

The Grand Mystique (Numbers)


Okay, formatting wise it's great. Clear, slick, easy to read. Very descriptive , which I personally love as it sets the scene brilliantly. Good stuff.

One thing I really liked was how it was different to most in the sense that it didn't just follow GM around. It was cool to see how another character reacted to GM's messages, only for him to emerge from the shadows at the end to deliver a very ominous message to Bowen. Your use of the characters was enjoyable too; particularly Leon, who so often is there in a supporting role. It's cool to see someone use a NPC in such a more forward role, whilst still being able to develop their character throughout.

That's another thing; I got immediately from this RP what GM is all about; I got just how dark a character he is, his goal, his methods, even the basics on what he looks like. If I had never read a GM RP before, then from reading this, I'd be more or less up to speed on the basics of his character.

I mark hard for Big Dave, so you get points for him being here

I'm trying to find some negatives here but I'm really struggling. This is my favorite RP I've read this round so far, and it isn't even close. As much as I liked Reynolds, Mystique is a character I'm slowly starting to really enjoy, and if this is a sign of things to come, then good times are ahead.