RP Feedback Thread

[falconsault]

Numbers – Austin Reynolds
Here we go; I very much enjoy how you’ve done some of your homework. By calling someone a head nurse of a unit, classic job there man. It shows that you put a great deal of time into making your role-plays connect to the read. By the way, a head nurse in the states is most usually referred to as a Charge Nurse, just a heads up as I’m married to a RN.

I noticed that in one of Austin’s speech parts that you leave out a word, the line is…

I always liked just going out there and feeding off the energy that fans .

I read it and knew exactly what you meant but being careful as I read your role-play since I’m doing a review on it I do notice it very obviously.

As for the nurse’s speech parts, I get the feeling that you were relying on the nurse to be the voice of the doctor. Which I know is exactly how it is in most cases, however when speaking of brain activity I feel that the nurse probably would’ve said that “the doctor is happen with his level of brain activity”. Trust me; I know that doctor’s explaining things to patients usually only happens on T.V. Anne here didn’t actually say anything wrong and it’s just a feeling that I have. Also with reducing the sedatives maybe she would’ve said “the doctor has put in the order to slowly reduce his sedatives and monitor what happens.”

The file at the end of Dom’s bed doesn’t exist anymore. Charts are no longer kept inside of the patients room due to confidentially reasons. She would’ve either walked in with the chart in hand or had to leave the room to annotate something in it. More and more charts for patients are becoming computer based, so she would’ve more than likely had to leave the room, some hospitals do employ laptops for their nurses to do the electronic charting.

Okay that was just for your opening. I liked it very much regardless of what I’ve stated up above. You did an excellent job researching your topic and writing about it and I commend you for that, I feel that most people just make things up without trying to connect to the reader what so ever anymore. My comments above are simple things that will truly make no difference in the way your role-play is judged due to the fact that some of the stuff isn’t exactly common knowledge.

It’s dinner time, onto the meat and potatoes of your role-play. Outstanding, really; I greatly enjoyed the back and forth between Austin and Gordito. You throw in a little action between the speaking parts and I like that, you get that you want to connect with the reader and show them that through not only words but actions. It was a good read; I enjoyed myself and found myself rooting for Austin and Gordito to take the match, way to go.


The Crock – Sam Smith
In the beginning I started liking this role-play, and then I saw that the excerpt from an article was just placed there. You made it seem as though the Smiths were reading it but then there is no mention of that at all, it’s just there. I’m not a fan of people using stuff in the opening of their role-plays that aren’t actually tied into the role-play in a major way. It was an article, perhaps you could’ve had Scott fold up a paper and wipe his ass with it, whatever, just something to show how it connects to the role-play other than through the words of the characters.

Then I noticed that your action sentences aren’t very emotional. They don’t evoke any emotion from the reader or the character for that matter. Sam ignored what Scott had to say, did he? Why should anyone care that he ignored his brother? Did he roll his eyes when Scott told him to calm the drinking down? Did Sam glare at his brother? Or was he just stone faced? Details make that emotional connection, if your character doesn’t feel any emotion than neither will the reader, and if that doesn’t happen the role-play will come off as being very bland, and who knows it could be the greatest promo ever spoken but the emotional tether isn’t there.

Upon further reading, from the excerpt that you gave us, it’s apparent that Sam didn’t catch onto the message, while that can be a good thing; I get a feeling that it wasn’t intentional that he didn’t catch on.

More ignoring on Sam’s part, unfortunately the ignoring he’s doing isn’t of just his brother but of his emotions. I can tell by the words that you’re using that he’s pissed off and drunk, what I can’t tell is how Sam truly feels. People react to things, if they’re offended they react, if they’re happy they react. I believe that you got caught up in what Sam was going to say that you complete negated the reactions he should be having. For future reference, this is a very bad thing. Like I’ve being saying lately in these reviews, connecting to the reader is key.

I do like what little interaction there is between the brothers and your speech parts are very well written. I have zero complaints about any of that. My only criticism that I can offer you is that your actions need to be more detailed. Give Sam some visible personality otherwise he’s going to end up like Lance Storm.


FunKay D. Wolfwood – Steven Holmes
Okay the opening to this one to me felt like a dream sequence. The scene is written well which works in your advantage; however I think I would’ve preferred it to have been a led conversation. Led by Kurtesy, telling him about Toyota’s backside and telling him to try avoiding the moment in his mind and what not, showing actions that only Steven can actually see doesn’t do anything for me.

The interactions between Holmes and Kurtesy is good, you’ve done a good job at getting their relationship across. You’re action paragraphs are too far and few between for my liking. I feel that Steven was probably smiling when he woke up but there was nothing like that. As a matter of fact the majority of the actions phases are about Kurtesy and his reactions to Holmes. Steven needed some more actions, besides the dream sequence there at the beginning, Steven literally only does four things, open his eyes, shakes hands with Kurtesy, hug Kurtesy, and leave the office with a smile. Kurtesy has most of the action after the dream sequence and that makes this feel almost as if it was a Kurtesy promo.

The speech phases save that though, they return the promo to being about Steven Holmes. And this is what I would’ve liked to have seen during that dream sequence. Kurtesy leads the conversation by asking about Holmes feelings and reactions, too bad we don’t get to see those reactions.

You modified what I’m going to call your catch phrase, to fit into this role-play. I liked it a little bit; the placement was good it doesn’t always have to be what ends a promo. However, I feel it could’ve been a bit better. Quote time!

I will start to prove once and for all that I am the Elite in WZCW and that I’m simply born better

You could’ve changed “I’m” to just “I” and added “was” right before simply and it would’ve been better. Or try this?

I will start to prove once and for all that I am the Elite in WZCW because I was simply born better.

Watch your spelling, it’s not defence, it’s defense. I know you’re usually very good about spelling things properly and I know that we all make mistakes here and there. So this is just a heads up to watch your spelling, take a moment to go over your role-play and make sure everything is spelt right.

The role-play is good, there is decent interaction between the two characters in it. Not enough action or emotion being displayed for my liking. One thing I notice though is that some things you put in there could be said better by adding a word, subtracting a word, or changing the order of the sentence around. Keep an eye out for this, impact can still be maybe by the sentence and if you change it just a little it can possibly make a bigger impact.

Over all not a bad role-play, you’ve definitely gotten better since you started in WZCW and while you can get worse I don’t see that happening to you at all, you’ve only got upward to look forward to.

 

[falconsault]

Lee – Mr. Morality
Okay due to your internet problems I will leave anything I could say about formatting and crap out of this review. Let’s get started shall we?

You’re opening action, should’ve combined the first two sentences together, I see two sentences that go very well together as a single one.

There is a lot of interaction between the staff; you do them well as you should. My only gripe is the amount of reactions from everyone involved. You put a lot of people in the opening and the style that you use, the script style, shows a great deal when you leave out reactions. Of course, with how well you know these characters you manage a way to carry their tones through flat words on a forum.

“if I’m honest” isn’t exactly how I’ve ever heard anyone talk before; “to be honest” would’ve worked much better from Teen #2.

You do a good job balancing comedy in the first part of the role-play. I enjoyed myself while reading the first half. I just feel that due to your setbacks with the internet that it’s somewhat unfinished, I cannot fault you on that.

The second part works very well, you once again do the comedy in it very well and I feel good about reading it. Once again it feels though as if it is lacking due to the issues you had to deal with. I enjoyed reading the interview, the spoken word is very easy to follow and fun, you do well about speaking on your opponents.

I liked this role-play and I wish I could have seen it posted in its fully completed form.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Malcolm O'Neil:
Description is good as is the formatting. You've got your bread and butter down and that's always an excellent start. I liked your dream sequence and I thought it worked well here. Don't know if it's just me or if anyone else is getting this feeling but your gimmick is coming across as a little too strong for me. I like what you’re doing with it but it's too much too soon. Try to conserve some of it for the future. Not bad overall.

Sean Cruz
This was very short. I think you could've added more here. The big font size for sigh and what doesn't work for me. Just putting it in all caps works for me. You seem to snap out of the funk of moping too quickly for my liking. For me it felt like it was missing a middle part. Your writing is decent and formatting and description is solid. Take some more care and time over your RP's and you'll get better.

Mr. Morality:
It would be unfair to talk about formatting due to a certain Richard Branson owned company. Comedy and drama are balanced well throughout and as always the writing for this is top-notch. I think you were simply unfortunate to be stuck with Saxton last week as I thought you two had the best RP's last time out. This was another good job, I would've loved to have seen it fully formatted etc...

 

[The Crock]

Mr. Morality: It was pretty good. I liked the dose of humor throughout, made for an interesting read, I also like the dynamic between Morality and Meldon. Very funny, it's an interesting. Meldon does something bad, apologizes, but Morality forgives him quickly. Morality tries to "teach" him. Also, you know how to correctly use the interviewers, very refreshing. Another thing I enjoyed was your attempt to toss yourself into the Mayhem Title scene. It'll make for very creative matches, to see Morality avoid weapons and such. That being said, I thought the ending was a BIT rushed. Regardless of that, I think you're going to win your match, your RP was by far the best.

Malcolm O'Neil: Well, I wasn't the biggest fan of this RP. It was an interesting idea, but I think you need to work on the basics a bit more. Develop O'Neil as a good heel first, get him a voice, a personality. To me, O'Neil is the prototypical dime a dozen "gangsta," but he doesn't have that raw element about him. Develop him. Find where you're most comfortable writing with him. Finally, you have to work on your spelling and grammar. It wasn't too terrible this time, but the sentences are too choppy. Even though I was very negative, I don't see why you WOULDN'T make the roster, you're a hard worker and you certainly deserve a chance.

Blade: What can I say, you're DAMN good. I'm always, always, ALWAYS satisfied with your RPs. This one was well written, and you really did a good job about showing the tension between you and your reluctant partner Baez. I loved what you were doing with the cigarette, blowing smoke at people, lighting up wherever, minor little things that help you along with the "heel" aspect of your character. My favorite line of the entire thing was:

Blade: For those of you who have been living under a rock as of late, Baez and I aren’t on the best of terms at the moment. I defeated him last week, which he won’t be happy with. I assaulted one of his young fans. Also, he’s a bit of a douche, and I don’t get on well with douches, despite being one myself.

I love the fact that Blade knows he's a douche, but he just really doesn't care. The thing I really enjoy about your RP is that you're very sound fundamentally. The spelling and grammar is always very good, and along with that you have a voice for Blade and a place to take him. He has a direction, which is always good, keep continuing along with that. Nicely done.

Reynolds: Very nice RP. As usual, you impressed me. You were sound in every aspect. The RP had a relaxed pace, but was very interesting and actually got a lot of information along to the reader. The interactions in the hospital room, while simple, really pushed the RP along. The nurse was a nice character to throw in there, she was someone who wasn't a wrestling fan and she looked at everything from a different point of view. It was a different look at what was going on than what a fan would have offered. The best part of the RP, to me, was the ending with Gordito. You two, unlike your opponents, get along. You guys seem to be meshing, and from a storyline standpoint probably have the advantage because of that. Keep doing your thing.

Saxton: Hell sucka, you've really gotten into Saxton's head. The same can't be said for a lot of people in the fed with their characters, in only your second match... My hat's off to you. Onto the RP, Saxton is an awesome character. I really get in the right mindset when reading your RPs, because you set the scene so well. Everything about this was great. Every little thing you describe really has a purpose. I don't know how, but this Saxton character is quickly becoming the funniest character I have ever come by. I have yet to find a flaw with this RP, so here's this: The way you ended the RP itself was BRILLIANT. Well done.

Funkay: I liked the beginning, just imagining Toyota made me chuckle. You focused on both of your opponents, and you gave them both their due credit. I didn't see any spelling or grammar errors, so there's that. Again, your RPs are always solid, and this one was no different. The only issue is that I didn't think it was long enough. I know that's not usually a problem, but I would have liked to have seen more of this RP. You could have done an extraordinary job, had you just tossed a bit more length into it. That being said, you don't want to oversaturate it with information. I think that the whole thing with the Crashin' Movement is that you guys need to be just a little less drab sometimes, maybe do something a little different in your next RP.

 

[newc868]

Malcolm O'Neill - I loved that you addressed your status as a rookie and as such in your RP you screwed hotel wise and you kissed up to Bateman. I thought it was well handled and a nice touch. You addressed your opposition well and you seem prepared for your match. Addressing the no-show of Julian Castle was good. Overall it wasn't entirely memorable but I think defiantly in some rounds you'd have beaten me with that. I'm not entirely sure why I liked it that much. Oh and one note - next it's the bradbomb.com

Sean Cruz - Hey what do ya know - another developmental RP I sort of liked! Although it was kind of short, it still worked quite well. Outlining your goals for WZCW, same thing I did. Addressing the audience works well at a house show RP because not necessarily will you get the chance on the main roster (MD or AS). It was fluid and easy to get through, which made it better. However, I'm not feeling the blown up text. Keep it to ALLCAPS instead of hitting up the sizes tab. A good RP, should get you in. A win? Not sure, I think I liked O'Neill's more.

Mr Morality/TGDLee - Formatting issues aside - I loved the opening premise of this. The group of teens was realistic and the hint of Teen 3 being gay was hilarious. Meldon and Morality are great together and the exchange between the two when Madison came over - I loved it. I MTFO for the Pokemon reference but that's 'cause I like that series (a lot). I think the first part was stronger for the first and it kind of tailed off towards the end but that said, I found it highly entertaining. I think this was a great RP to top off a decent Battle Royale. I think you'll get the win and if not a contract should easily be arriving for you soon.

Scott Hammond - Oh Leon, if I were Teen #3 I'd take you out to dinner... wait I didn't just mix feedback together did I? Anyway, your RP was OK. I liked the use of Leon but overall I thought it was kind of bland. Also, walking around with a belt of gold on your shoulder? I hope you had personal security watching you otherwise you'd have been a great target for a robbery. But I digress, the RP should be enough to get you the win but in the back of mind I think DK winning has a higher likelyhood than usual.

 

[newc868]

Sam Smith - A drunken Sam Smith digging deep against his brother and bringing up some backstory for both of them? This RP worked. Sam was drunk and exactly what you wrote felt like a drunken rant. It had that sense of realism and I enjoyed that. This RP was strong. Smith stripping down his current rut and also his own brother just goes to show how low he's hit and how low he's willing to hit. This felt almost like a tag team RP but with one guy. I hope this gets you the win.

Action Saxton - Hey one of my first cameos in a WZCW RP! Overall, I love Action Saxton and I think it's a wonderful character and I'm loving some of the RPs you put out. Even though it's quasi-serious, it's a refreshing change and the for some reason I just love the everyday scenarios complicated by Saxton into RPs that even have their own titles sort of like Left 4 Dead stories. This RP was good but I don't think it'll win 'cause Alhazred and King have better team work for this RP.

 

[newc868]

Dr Alhazred - I wrote a longer version but due to the time limit I lost it. However, let me get started by saying once again loved the RP. If anything this just showed how wide your palette is for RP, and with Mister, you put together a great RP for your tag match with James King. Mistico is one of my favourite NPCs to see in RPs already.

You nailed the development of Alhazred as well even though he can't talk. Actions speak a 1,000 words it seems. I'm putting you down into my must-read category. The win should be yours because of the team work and two solid RPs from both parties. I hope to see you in the Mayhem division at some point so you can use the Power Glove and your main gimmick isn't wasted. That said, I think you can go further than the Mayhem Division and you could have a major role at the next KC if you keep it up.

 

[gd]

Numbers

A rock solid effort overall. Both parts were nicely done with the development and
dicussion of issues from the past as well as meeting up with you partner this week. You do a great job of conveying your characters emotions and the relationship you built with your partner was great for having just the one RP. The Cee Low picture also added some nice humor.

As for criticisms, I'd only say that formatting was a little off for me at some points, like sometimes you had thoughts in color but other times you did not. Also, I felt like the beginning part could've been condensed a bit. Still, a very good RP and I have your team down for the win this week in an extremely tight contest.

Jose

Just like Numbers a rock solid effort. You do a tremendous job of staying with your character as his reaction to the events with Baez was just what was expected. You also did a tremendous job convincing me why your team is better equipped to win in the end of your RP, which really pushed it over the top for me. I have no real qualms about this one.

Blade

Decent work, but not your best. A few times while reading I was confused at/thought your word choice and/or grammar could've been better. Not major, just messed up the flow a few times. I still am a fan of the Blade character though. Smoking cigs all the time is an amusing characteristic. Like I said, not your best, but certainly nothing to be ashamed us.

Lee

Far and away the best effort in the contract match, but that should be obvious to you. Too bad with the computer issues, but I don't think you have to be worried about it affecting you too greatly. This character has some real comedy potential and I honestly think you could make him work as either heel or face, but heel would probably be the preferred choice. I liked how you set small goals at first, eyeing the Mayhem Championship, which you should be able to gain within a few rounds of your contract, but left the possibilties for something greater. An extremely funny, easy to read RP, just what one has come to expect from Lee. Fine work.

Crock

Not a big fan of this, to be honest. To me, it seems most of the time you go with these character development type promos and I'd like to see you go a route where you focused more on the match as the focal point. I think it'd help you a bit. Also, I'm not a huge fan of the big blocks of text. At know sometimes they are unavoidable, but there's always something you can do to break them up a bit. On a positive note, the whole internet blogger thing was somewhat amusing. Overall I feel like Smith is at a crossraods. There are more than a couple of directions you can go with him, just choose one and fully committ to it. On the plus side, I have you down as a winner this week.

Baller

Not turrible, but like Crock's, I wasn't a huge fan. I always enjoy some humor and love the fact that you almost always try to attempt it. Your sports metaphors are always amusing as well. However, there just wasn't much happening in this one at all. The first 2/3 or so accomplished basically nothing and left just a few lines on your feelings and the upcoming match. Not the worst RP ever, but I've seen better from you.

Barbosa

Nice work from you as usual. I especially like how this one wasn't the length of a novella. Your humor is always great, from allusions to calling someone a cunt to the anger from Manic at the end. Fine stuff. The only negative I can say is that your phrases were a bit awkward to read at times. I can't recall specifics, if you want I'll go back and look for them. Still, a well above average RP and I have you picking up a win by the slightest of margins.

Doc

Super fantastic. I know somone said something about you not being a "wrestler" in the RP, but I'm not too worried about that. Bringing the entertainment is the most important thing for me and Action certainly does that. The comments from the narrator are superb and the Pulp Fiction reference was great, even if I'm unsure if you've ever actually seen it, little boy. The only criticism would be with the whole interaction with Armando. The whole interaction seemed a little off to me and I think wrapping the partnership up neatly in a nice bow would've suited you better. Still, awesome RP and I'm digging the character.

FunKay

A psychiratry session is a good idea, it isn't used enough in RPs. Despite the fact that it was a somewhat miraculously quick recovery, I like the concept. Having a 500 pound Asian land on you would be traumatic. Mentioning the history is a big plus, it's something I probably should've done as well. Another good ever from you as you have proven to be one of the most consistent RPers in the fed. However, based on the incredibly awesome, earth shattering RP from you opponent, I don't have you picking up the win.

Coco

Unsurprisingly, I quite liked this. You seem like a damn fine RPer to me. Unfortunately, you had an error right off the bat as Sal's Pizza is not availiable in tubs. That could hurt you a bit. I am always interested in the journey Kravinoff goes on to find himself and maximize his chances to fit in at a company so different from the atmosphere he grew up in. And the way you cut a promo on Phoenix without actually cutting a promo; a clever way to go. But the thing I enjoyed most was the consistent giggles I received from this one, something that you were missing for awhile there. That's something that should never change. According to my calculations, you will be entering KFAD in a few weeks.

newc

A very nice effort, you've imporved greatly since you first started. The first half was definitely the stronger of the two halves for me. You celebrated the big win just like you should have while saying all that you should have for the upcoming match. Was a little unsure about the ending part. I don't know, the whole attacking a patron thing isn't something that I pictured as fitting with your character, but maybe it does. I'm not the person to tell you. So once again, very nice work, but I don't think you're beating Beckford two weeks in a row.

Winters

A really thought this was a nice effort. You seem to be getting a better grasp of your character with each new RP which means the reader is starting to understand him better as well. The way you tore down Showtime was simply a thing of beauty and the ending pun was one of the better ones I've seen. I'm a sucker for puns. In fact, I enjoyed this enough that in my mind it is the best RP posted in that thread, which is a good thing for you.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Red skull

Really, just really.... How do you say your name? I love the banter between the two, I can see you using that talk shit machine as a gimmick. Its quite funny to say it in your head. Also Idn why but this made me allmost spit out the water I was drinking.

"I told you it was an accident, I was drinking a little and I couldn’t see the road, it was dark out.

It was 10 in the morning."

But good lord your fucking funny The only thing I can gripe about is its funny, but if this were your only rp for the match you would have a sore time. Give a bit more on your opponets, and what you think their about/ a little funny mess talking. Thats pretty much it, can wait for your partners rp.


Ryder- This will be a very short and to the point. Give it a bit more length, and a bit more charicter devolpment. Your new here, I know you've told a bit in the past, but keep telling us more and more about Armando. Give us something to know him fully by. Other than that, I know right now its hard to do this. But give a bit more additude to your opponet chris. Because look at other people's rps and watch a few promo's of actual superstars, they might bring the funny and storyline devolepment, but they allways get in some face time with their opponet.

 

[The Crock]

Out of the few RPs that have already been posted, there were two that really stood out, so I'll give those some feedback.

Titus: I loved this RP. Titus is a bit of a character, isn't he? I enjoyed how well you fit Becky into your RP, it wasn't forced. You weren't making her act differently than she normally would. *cough* Armando Paradyse *cough* The whole part about how you returned to WZCW was great, the whole story kept me entertained. The ending was great, the whole bit about the mask... Excellent.

Phoenix: I liked this, short and to the point. Driving down a country rode with Kensworth sitting next to you scared shitless, pure gold. You gave the reader a sense of how bad you wanted the win, how bad you NEEDED the win. I enjoyed your comparison of your near win to a lioness nearly getting a zebra, fitting considering you were talking about Kravinoff. Very nice read, great job.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Lee- I'm sorry I really have nothing to say about your rp. It was pretty well done, A bit of cd for people who don't know Titus, you went over your opponets and hyped you Vs Everest. Great rp man, you really don't have any rust to speak of.

Coco and Epopadoc *lol*

Everest is going to have to pull something special out for his rp. That was a perfect team rp, Lol Hunter and Barbosa for tag team champs? I like how you try to burry Titus like him comming back was no real big thing. Good talking between the two of you, it kind of just flowed together. Great minds think alike guys, and you guys definatly have it.

Crock

Sam smith is a good caricter, I like what you've done with him. The only thing I need to focus on for you today is this: Strech out your talking a bit more. A huge block of text can sometimes not flow the proper way to a reader. Get more description in between your talking. Show us what Smith is doing while he talks, because your putting spaces in between that talking. But what is he doing for that? I know it might be confusing but Blade has alot of text in his rp, but he has alot of description in between the huge talking parts to.

 

[Dave]

Action Infraction (Doc)

You said coming into the RP that this was not your best work and I have to agree with that. However, you should also be aware of the fact that I hold your character and your writing abilities in the highest regard. Just because you didn't mange to top yourself this time, it doesn't mean that it is bad or not worth the effort. For what it is worth, I absolutely adores this RP and that is becoming a more and more frequent thing as I seem to enjoy Action Saxton more with every passing two weeks.

This RP was slightly different to the last couple in that you barely mentioned wrestling. I am not one the people you hate that constantly harps on about how you have to cover your opponent because that is so overdone. I like how Action Saxton doesn't do that and instead sets out to please the reader. The reason why I love your RP's is because you don't care about the matches. Creative read around 30 RP's a week and at least you are different in many respects. It is never a chore to get through an Action RP and this was no different.

It managed to capture the essence of Action and the way the narrator seems to love him very well and I have to admit that I loved the interaction with others in this one. The waitress in particular gave me wowsers in my trousers. The meeting with his old ally was hilarious and paid off towards the end as you slowly sneaked towards the showdown with your nemesis.I love that you are just doing your thing and although you haven't got a particular angle to work with, you always create your own perils and I really enjoy that.

This RP was fun, brilliant and entertaining. I think you should be proud of yourself for maintaining a great level of entertainment even though you haven't been writing Action for a while. This RP was awesome and I don't think you get enough credit for being so daring to not follow the set way of doing a WZCW RP. Whether it works to your credit or not, I suspect that you are the only person who can make me laugh in an RP that is not named Coco or GD.

Nice work this week.

 

[The Doctor]

Constantine
Here you are, at the front of the queue, just like you asked.

Hey...I see your narrator is channeling his inner Action Saxton narrator. Haha. I also see that you're channeling a certain someone as well. And you know what? I love it. I was hanging on Constantine's every word. I laughed. I cried. I spilled juice on my good pants. Not really, but I absolutely loved it. You've really hit hard with this RP, and if it were a match I'd have you going over. Your words were sharp, well-picked out, and the whole thing was just a blast to read. Full marks!

Kravinosa Barbinoff
God, the formatting is just so good. Gorgeous and eye-catching. And Barbosa, your character is just so unique, and I love it. There are far too many generic personalities in wrestling today (And a few in WZCW, honestly), so when something like this pops up, and it's pulled off so well again and again, it really makes everyone sit up and take notice.

One thing I notice with Barbosa is that they manage to put over the opponents while simultaneously running them down, through clever use of the different personalities. I think that was the word that popped up in my mind the most while reading these RPs - "Clever". Because the character really is.

The teamwork here is just phenomenal. I could definitely see you two (Five?) as a full-time alliance (not a tag team per se, just a partnership of sorts). Coco wrote Barbosa very well, and his own character was very calculating. The end of the RP was humorous, and fit the tone well.

Excellent work. Together, you two would be unstoppable.

Dr. Alhazred
I believe I repped you for this. I love, love Dr. Alhazred's character and the way he interacts with Mister. The RP is fresh and funny and Alhazred is the type of unique character that I think WZCW needs more of. The speak and spell bit was amusing and a good way to add in some speech into your RP without dropping Mister or the throat issues. The basketball montage was very well done and I could imagine it well in my mind. And the cameo at the very end was great...even if it is a mental image that will haunt me forever. *shudder*

Titus
Like I said in the PM, the addition of Titus being very animated while explaining how he managed to return adding SO much to the RP. The emotion that was missing before came forth in style, and it made for a very entertaining read. No longer generic, it tied the whole RP together. Also, I like the text color change when speaking as Red Mask. The little details are often the most important. A very good return RP.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

The Crock

I enjoyed your intensity during this RP. It showed a different side of Sam Smith. It was interesting how you got attacked by Blade then in another interview stated how he was a coward. Some good stuff and very intense. You could have went into what you wanted to gain from WZCW. Like you said, Blade wants his name into glory and fame. What doyou want out of it. It could have been interesting if you would have said something like "while Blade wants blah blah blah, I want to prove that I'm not a pushover in this business" or something like that.

Blade
When I started to read you're RP, I was very interested in how it would play out since Smith said you attacked him during his RP. But as I read more of it, I couldn't wait for it to end. It was boring to me and I couldn't get into it at all. I understand where you were going with this but maybe you could have done something different with it.

Numbers
Great way to introduce Gordito as you're pick for the "pick your poison" match. I don't really get the end of you're RP but that's ok. I really enjoyed it from beginning to end and now I'm going to go to gamestop to by the WZCW video game.

PowerTrip
I loved it. Great work. One of the RP's that really stood out to me. I liked how you listed different match types like you know somehow that Showtime will win the match against Gordito. One thing I did not like was the whole conversation with the elderly man. It just didn't fit in to me and I think you could have lived without throwing that bit in.

DirtyJose
It took me a few minutes to realize that all the conversation at the begining was going on in you're head. I was confused and then I got what you were talking about there. Good work. Only Barbosa has people talking in his head but you decided to join the clan. On to the interview; The first line where you actually speak about Showtime is absolute work. It was very interesting how you called him out and I can't wait to see how this will play out. The best part of the whole RP is that very last line. Wow so much shit built up to that one line. I think with that one line you have won this match.

FunKay D. Wolfwood
You are the wild card in the Crashin Movement. If the Movement ever breaks up, I see great things coming from you. This RP was good but nothing was really done that was special. It was actually quite boring for my taste.

Leeds Guy
What is that? Dude, you are the EurAsian Champion and you are writing a RP that takes ten seconds to read? What you have down is good and all but it was just a bit short. I'm actually a bit disappointed in this.

The Doctor
You're RP's are way different than everyone elses in WZCW. There is always something original about them and I have looked forward to them since you did you're first RP. Great stuff you do. They always make me laugh. I thought I was going to have an honor of being in you're RP but I was wrong. It was still good. Only thing is, I would somehow show off more of the wrestling side to you and not just a badass ass kicker.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Jordan-

Your facing a world champ, I'm sorry your Rp just didn't do it for me. Your a good roleplayer from what I've seen and this is a good roleplay, but its far to short. Sure you are showing us that your fit and in shape. Thats selling your charicter. Ware is selling your match, why are you better than Ty? Because you can do a few pull ups? Just because he is the world champ dosen't mean that you don't have some aspects better than him. Just keep it up and put some length behind your rp.

Ty- Keep it up, I'm not worthy to even gripe about your rp.

Newc-

Shit brother! I forgot to send my feedback to you! Sorry, the thing that I liked the most was your standing up to Chuck, sort of putting him in his place. The only thing I have to gripe about is the ending, who are you talking to? If your talking to the camera make sure we know it. Other than that we could get the feeling that your crazy, talking to yourself. Stuff like that, just little stuff man. Good shit.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Gordito: I liked the style you went with for the first part of the RP. I liked how using your thoughts, you were able to go through each of the important situations for you this week. The description of the facial expressions worked really well too. Wasn't 100% behind the idea of having the interview together with the driving segment. Perhaps too much for this one RP. I would say this is your best since winning the Gold Rush.

Action Saxton:
Liked your formatting here with the movie-esc design. Great description to open us up, lot's of good work there. Loved some of the interactions here. The Saxton character is really coming together with the interactions between other characters and in simple actions/phrases. My biggest complaint would be that there hasn't been much interaction around the WZCW roster, or talk about your situation this week or last. There's room to improve but a solid and fun RP.

Titus:
Welcome back oh great one. Truly a mark out moment. On to the RP and I must say it's nice to see you using Becky, basically referencing how the final interview that Titus had was with Becky. The humour here was spot on and its cool how the match between you & Everest at KC will be far less serious than last year, but I still feel that there could've been a tad more drama here, perhaps with Titus talking up the fans. Great comeback RP none-the-less.

 

[Uncle Phatso]

Winters-

Let me just state this, I enjoy your rps. You have a very similar style to mine. Its easy to read, keep it that way. Everything is in check, spelling is good, grammar is good, Your selling your match. But you need to keep selling your charicter, you still have tat Religious gimmick going right? Take time to sell ouside of that church in chi town with the preacher. Get a crowd or something, your rp's are nothing without a gimmick! Remember that!!!

Doc

Good lord.... Your rp style is strange man, but it works. Anyone else and I prolly wouldn't like it. Right now this is ok, your getting charicter Dev. by showing us how bad ass Saxton is. Great stuff man, remember to put a little more talking in, selling your match and what the match is. Tell us how your gonna beat your opponet with your sick moves, or your training from Kung Fu Jones. Anyways nice win here since the other person didn't show. Good luck man.

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

This is my first time doing feedback here.

Just in case you get bored reading these, here's some music:

Spoiler

[YOUTUBE]v-TcD0japKs[/YOUTUBE]

Action Saxton

I really liked the story you told. I liked the intro, as if this is kind of a blaxploitation tv show or movie, naming each RP like an episode is pretty creative. You have this character fully scoped out in your mind and it shows. And you introduced two great NPC's, El Habanero and Kung Fu Jones (I imagined him looking like Kareem Abdul Jabbar in the Game of Death for some reason). I suspect we'll see both of them once in a while in the epic saga of Action Saxton. I'll stop with the compliments and get down to some seriousness. No mention of Johnny Sherman or anything about your upcoming match kind of just makes this a cool story, not an RP. I have this problem too where I get so involved in writing the story I forget about the match lol. But like you've said, you're doing this for fun, so no harm done I guess.

Alex Bowen

I liked how you showed how much being in the Mayhem division takes out of his body. He was so exhausted from the match he didn't even know what day it was. You realize what you think your place in this company is, an everyday man who goes out and puts his body on the line night after night, yet doesn't expect anything in return. The only problem is how much you sell your opponents short. As a face you should be talking up your opponents, then telling us why you're going to beat them.

 

[a0161613]

Dave: Unsurprisingly I did enjoy it. I think you nailed it much better than you attempted in your RP against Ty. I think if you had combined the two ideas, the match and the dialogue, you may have beaten him.

You can definitely see you took the advice you had on board. What I would say is that you could explore the ideas that you have and go deeper. Also, the RP-set-in-the-arena gets a little old two be done two shows in a row.

Finally, I'm not sure the last half flows that well. From talking about the crowd to Ty to Showtime to Reynolds to KC, I'm not really sold on how well it links together.

 

[Dave]

Austin Reynolds

The first thing I notice is that you don't really have a lot of dialogue in your RP this time around. Most of it is made up with your meeting with Gordito but for someone who usually does a lot of talking, I thought this was odd. Also, I noticed that a lot of your RP didn't really flow together well. I am a fan of having one RP setting but that is just personal preference. With three different settings for an RP, you are making people's mind jump around too consistently.

That being the negative parts, now onto the positive. I really liked the idea of the RP with the game. A lot of what you were trying to get at didn't need words because it was covered in your gaming section. I really like the inner-dialogue with Reynolds as it shows us a different side form the Reynolds we have been seeing who is usually very stoic and this made a welcomed change. I think it hypes our match perfectly and I am sure that whatever you guys have planned for the Contract Signing, this will fit right in.

Good effort, mate!

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Sean Cruz

The quotes for the descriptions threw me off. It's unnecessary and just brings the flow of the RP down for me. It was a little short, I would have liked to see a little more conversations between Cruz and the girls. He got the water, said two sentences than bounced. I like how he's a bit feminine but is completely comfortable with it and confident in his abilities regardless. You went over your opponent, you went over the match, and even started to plan out your entrance. I liked it and am interested in seeing where the characters will go story wise.

Mr. Baller

I liked the fact that he is aware he has been on a bit of a down slope as of late and it is starting to get to him. This makes him not his usual cocky self, a bit humbled, but still very confident he'll get out of the slump and confident in what he can do in the ring. I liked how you described your opponent as your stepping stone into Kingdom Come and treated him as an afterthought. It was a good RP but I was hoping for something more, since it was a rookie you'll probably win but against a better RPer I'd expect more.

Barbosa and Kravinoff

I honestly don't have a single bad thing to say about these RP's. I'm not nitpicky at all but I saw no flaws and was enthralled the whole time. Kravinoff's already my favorite character and Barbosa is up there. My expectations for both of you guys are always high and this time you rose above those expectations exponentially. Titus and Everest should be nervous from my point of view and the rest of us better hope this doesn't turn into a full-time team or alliance, we'd have no chance in my mind lol.
Sorry I'm not critical at all and it seems like I'm kissing ass, but I really loved this RP and have nothing but good things to say about it.

 

[Coco]

Blade: Bitchin’ opening that delves into Blade’s motivations and makes him come off like the cunt that he is. The strong and assertive tone is very well used. That said, I wonder if the chain smoking will do Blade any favors against a guy as quick and fit as Beckford. Your cuntiness to Becky has me thinking once more about Barbosa’s theory on the treatment of the announcers in WZCW. What’s up here? Nice to know there are things Becky doesn’t condone though. You may be rude to announcers, but you sure to write them properly.

You’re building a nice little story around your actions as of late and do the mind games thing better than most as your explanations for your characters actions are really rather sensible. What’s truly superb about this is that you managed to tie in great substance with your thoughts on Smith, who you see as completely substanceless and just the kind of person you’re built to overcome. All while hating on large corporations and bringing Dave back to tweenerville. This was a good one, sir. As Smith begins to improve, you did everything you could to show him why you’re one of the most underrated guys in the Z. All win, baby.

Phoenix (Thriller): The positives? Your formatting is ace as usual. Doesn’t make your eyes bleed with the obnoxious brightness of it all, you picked two contrasting colours that frankly go underused (making them stand out when used here), and you separate text and action in a manner (italicization) which looks very natural in your RPs. A lot of people don’t understand how important making your RP look good is. You do it effortlessly every time and it shouldn’t go unnoticed. A lot of people also format well, but you’re the first person I’m feedbacking this week and I feel the strong need to point out that awesome looking RPs are a great thing. Take note, kids. Aside from that, your writing of Leon, shaken by the potential automobile accident, and your description are top notch. The tone you take with Phoenix coming out of his match with Kravinoff is also a good choice.

The negatives? Length. Length obviously doesn’t become an issue by default. If you can say what you need to in a concise, entertaining way, go for it. But this didn’t feel complete. It’s the beginning of a good RP. You’re a fine writer and have the mechanics of this down, but you slipped big time on Agony. While he’s new, you should have had more to say about him to this. There’s potential to talk about how such a large man represents a roadblock on the way to KC and the go on the display how to deal with literal blocks in actual roads. That’s just one of many examples I can think of. But you didn’t go anywhere with it. This had some emotion, some feeling, some potential. But you didn’t go anywhere with it, so all it has to rest on is potential. All things considered, I’m very disappointed with this outing as you’re one of the more capable guys in the fed and I know that. You’re better than this. I’d frankly love to see you start realizing your potential.

Reynolds (Numbers): I liked it. Very simple installment that adequately conveyed your frustration and desire to get out with one up on Constantine. Reynolds’ ego is out in full force, but that’s to be expected. Mildly grating for a face to declare he’s the reason the show is in MSG, but I might be able to overlook it because of who Reynolds is. Still, the arrogance is something I feel distracts from the face you’re supposed to be. That’s my only big complaint. My other complain is that you didn’t colour Gordito’s dialogue. That took me out of the RP for a second. Still, all things considered, the emotion you displayed in this one is what you needed at the Lethal Lottery. Not much else to say. Good work.

Constantine (Dave): Your narrator is absurdly into you. Constantine is in rare form as well as far as being a bastard is concerned. Going from insulting the audience in general to a specific staffer only made you come off all the worse. That’s great heel stuff and in an ideal world where he wouldn’t be so out to get a laugh at the expense of someone else, that would have just upped the ante as far as villainy is concerned. Well played even if you didn’t see it that way. The pit about effort could be something straight out of the playbook of an evil right-winger, so I like that bit as well. Political without being political. I like how both you and Reynolds are making the total destruction of your opponent a point of redemption for the winner. There’s a nice parallel there and this RP showing us that right after the fine RP Numbers posted lays it all out very clearly.

As far as Pick Your Poison is concerned, you set Showtime up nicely as the winner that he is and tore Gordito down for being the other side of that coin. Covering that base was great and you did more in that regard than Numbers. Not a necessity by any means and Numbers certainly got by without it, but it added strength to your words. I also loved the way you talked about the poison you’d choose for Kingdom Come and what each fall will represent. Tip fucking top way to cap this off. If you were wrestling this week, you might have enough to get back to your winning ways. Just a very nice piece of business. Not to sell Numbers short though. This is damn competitive stuff and the parallels in motivation, once again, add a level of intrigue to this. While some might say this feud has run its course, both of you have shown that you’re up to the task of keeping it great.

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Titus

I liked the throwback set and interview style. Nothing fancy or over the top just a good old fashioned backstage interview. It shows why Titus is a legend, you take a simple concept and pull it off so smoothly. The typical face antics and interactions are done very well, but is it just me or does it seem like that's not who he really is? I got the feeling reading that he might be acting that way because that is what is expected of him, I don't know I'm probably reading too much into it. Also, the Rock's return speech seems to have inspired some of his words and actions, but you made it yours, so it works well. The story about how he got back into WZCW was very creative and entertaining, worked perfectly with your character and gimmick. No real flaws and a solid return RP. That being said, I expect more from you here on out.

Blade

I loved how he told Mr. Bateman to shut up and told him what was on his mind. A nice heel tactic that shows slowly that opinions no longer matter, it's only what I want now. You really get the sense that all this time of being underrated and under the radar has gotten to him. From the chain smoking, to the day dreaming, to his words and mannerisms. You feel him losing what he once was and kind of going crazy. Sort of like "if I can't earn their respect and earn glory with hard work, I'll make them respect me and I'll take my glory". Very, very solid RP, almost no flaws in my eyes. Nice flow, believable dialogue, excellent descriptions, and deep character development. Well done.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Armando Paradyse: Hit and miss from me. Some of the humour was pretty bad (stuff like the multiple dating, while a decent idea, didn't really work), however there were little things like the Enya Stomp reference that made me smile/chuckle. You're learning which is good, but always double check your spellings. Not too bad.

Chris Beckford: This was very short. This was okay with a decent speech from Beckford. I also liked the setting, but that was it really. There wasn't really anything that interesting or anything that was particularly intriguing. By far not you’re best RP.

Austin Reynolds: I liked this one quite a bit. There were some really nice things with the game idea, the dialogue of Reynolds, and even the last joke at the end. My biggest complaint is a technical one. I was caught off guard by the fact you didn't do anything to make Gordito's parts stand out and didn't colour the font or bold it. But other than that I really enjoyed this.

Constantine: Nice description and setting as always. I like the fact that you big yourself up with the paragraphs of description, adds an extra sense of what a narcissist Constantine truly is. I've read this one twice and I wasn't sure the first time about the ending but after reading it another time, it was a good, clever ending. Wasn't 100% sold on your justification on Showtime being your poison, but otherwise nice job.

 

[The Encore]

The Agony

Positives:

- For a new guy you're character is very unique rather than generic. You bring to life the meaning of "Don't judge a book by it's cover". Agony/Jarvis seems to have a short temper yet when calm he appears to be a very sophisticated man despite his appearance. Character wise that's very innovative, but I would much rather prefer you being the silent, yet friendly giant.

- As above said I would prefer you being the silent yet friendly giant. Your first RP proved that without much spoken words from your character you're able to use scenery and the people around you to your advantage when writing.

Negatives:

- Grammar is key, I've noticed a couple of mishap's in terms of punctuation but that can easily be worked out as I'm known for my improper grammar at times... we all are *sigh*

- This RP really confused me. There was about seven interviews? Were they all supposed to be different RP idea's or what? If they were meant to be "in the head" of your character or different takes I would use a better format and IMPLY that. You could have stuck with just one of those interviews and went in depth on your opponent.


Overall: 5.5/10 You're a new guy, but with character developments and perhaps some grammar & format improvements along the way I could see you having a lot of potential in your WZCW career if you stick around.