RP Feedback Thread

[Ty Burna]

Titus: I've discussed it with you on MSN already, but I think I told you it's not one of your best, but regardless it still had me laughing at the list of suspects. The description was a bit difficult to follow at times, but for the actions you were attempting to describe I can understand. Overall I thought it was good RP, and it really showed how worried Titus is about the rwo situation.

 

[a0161613]

Titus: Lee, this was really well put together. It flowed, was really well written and came to a point, whilst covering all it needed to. I wish there was some sort of "promo" as I would have liked to see you work that in.

 

[a0161613]

NSL: I like it. Your RPs tend to be totally solid and have a great style that I am totally a fan of. I do wish that it boiled down to a little more than a reply with no substance and no real attacks. I've come from feds with a no reply rule so it irks me but i know no rule exists here.

However i like the introduction of the "new" character and the interactions with those two were the highlight. You should really look to build on that.

 

[Showtime]

Blade

Well written RP there Blade. When you first started I really liked your character and how he rode the face/heel line. Then Lee took away the line and told everyone to be on one side or the other. I wasn't sure how you'd do as a face, but you ended up doing a fantastic job. Now you've gone back to being heel, which you did with flawless ease and appear to be as comfortable with as being a face. As Mick Foley was once told about being a heel, "A heel believes that he is right, no matter how rediculous it may be". I.E, that Titus pitied you. You do a very good job believing you are right. The story you told is informative to your characters now complete heel turn. I know from creative that this has been in the works for some time, but you've done a terrific job being creative about it. You are now the heel that dissed rWo, so that makes you look huge.

Now a little to critique, while the story is impressive, like many of your last RP's your trying to explain something and build your heel turn, so this one like others is taking up a lot of your RP. After a little more putting down on the rWo than you really needed, you finally come to your opponent, Beckford, where a little more than 4 lines was talked about him. You didn't praise what he has done and how you will do better, nor put him down and give explanation or reason why he is what you say. And putting down Rush after you admitted he beat you doesn't look well either, especially if the audience is smart and knows Beckford beat him as well. I for one would've mentioned that and used it somehow. I understand why you went back to Rush, since he has to lose for you to get to KFAD, but I would've liked to see you talk more about Becks. But other than that it was an awesome RP, I liked the closing and it had as always a good mix of dialouge and description.

Beckford

Outstanding RP as well. I really liked the opening recap done by Leon. If anyone else was a little confused why some league matches were taking place and others not, you made it very clear to the reader, highlighting the huge obsticle your character has to go through. The fustration grows as not only do you have the huge obsticle of beating Blade, but that Rush must lose to the Toronto Maple Leafs of the EurAsian league Hammond. The fustration boils over and for the first time we see an angry Beckford. No longer does your charcater come off as just a young and happy WZCW hopeful. He's no longer content with just swimming with the best and wants to beat the best. This is a very good step for your character as you are beginning to add more and more layers to him.

You also did an outstanding job countering your opponents RP. Anyone looking for a good example should look at your RP. Blade refered to u as a worm and weasel without much reason, and then you took it and made it reflect who he is perfectly. You wisely chose to refer little to Rush, especially with your character ignoring the question at the end. Your focus is entirely where to should be, on Blade, as you have no control for what happens with Rush. Again, Outstanding RP. Easily one of my favs this week.


More to come later. I hope to give everyone feedback for this week and KC.

 

[Showtime]

Austin Reynolds

You mentioned me so right away Best RP ever, lol. No, but it was another good RP. I love our similarities. I've already coined our future team name if we ever team, "The Ratings Connection". Anyway, to the RP, interesting start, listening to Trev's music to get in his head. It quickly sets the idea in that you two are far apart on the social ladder by you and your gf's disgust about the music. You made this look like a taylor made feud between 2 polar opposites, even though it is merely a throwaway match with a good prize for the winner. You strongly point out your opponents recent ring struggles, which feuls your anger by the fact he ruined your potential match against Karnage. One minor error I noticed. Big Dave was sceduled to face Trev in the 2-pointer, yet you worded it like you were going to get it verse Karnage. Small error, most likely accidential.

You've done a great job putting yourself over and dismissing your opponent, albeit you may have focused too much on Trevor as an ugly slob loser and the obvious fact that you are not. Mankind to Shawn Michaels is what this comparison reminds me of. The dialogue is good and the descripting sections are in the right places. You focused a lot on the Ratings and being the bigger star and blah blah blah like that that I used to spew and still do a little, but eventually you may need to add some more layers or depth to your character and not always use the same "my ratings are higher, I'm the star and your not' speech we see here. For now it works great, but it will get old. You can't always say your better, sometimes there needs to be worry, and sometimes you need to point out flaws of your opponent and not simply your made up accomplishments (the ratings) Solid RP.

Trevor Steel

I liked the RP, though it was a little short. It's also good to see someone making use of the Vixens aside from FalKon. Always a fav part of your RP's is how easily real they are because your character is about the most real one. Good job comparing Austin to Nacho, though I think Austin did a much better job putting you down than Nacho did and comparing them alone is not enough to make Nacho Cheese out of Austin. Continuing with Nacho I felt was a little unnecessary unless you made more reference to it with your opponent. Ex: How you ruined his career by beating him and that you could send Austin's ratings crashing, or that Nacho is doing well in Europe and that you beat this champion in his first match in WZCW. Instead you used it to put yourself over, that you've been successful since and he wasn't, which worked out only ok. Cue in your kid, who brings more hope to the RP, a brief mention of me, which makes this the Best RP too, lol, and ending with mention that you have won many matches and that you can still fix this and beat that Austin for calling you a bum. With the kid, we couldn't see the angry Trevor, but I think you did a good job acting calm over an important match, establishing that your character cares more about his family and friends than his match or what his opponent says, and that he has faith in himself still.

I feel slightly bad that our own self made feud probably held you back a bit in the Elite-X, but hopefully after KC we can actually go forward with it and get you your first real personal feud. As much as I like the laid back Trev, I think he needs one now.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Corey Payne - Considering you what I gather the only face in the entire Ten Man Tag match, I feel it was well done for the situation. You addressed everyone enough to ensure you'd put up a good fight. I also liked the "You don't win, you lose" methodology in the RP too, adds to your character quite well. The thing I like is the little comment about Matt Royale, considering his situation. Almost like you know what is going to happen.

Nothing I can see that needs improving. It was a good RP for a Ten Man Tag.

 

[Lee]

Cardiff Cam: First thing I notice is a severe lack of formatting. Colour coding, bolds, italics always make an rp stand out.

I like the patience thing and how it started. Always re read your rp, I've noticed a few typos here. Swearing in an rp really makes me grown: the bastard and two shits thing seemed totally out of place and took things from a decent rp.

If Leon can survive Vengeance, he's not going to be scared of Cardiff Cam

Excellency Pretty much like most of your rps here, none existent. Future endeavoured methinks!

====================================================================

Blade First reaction: in ring promo's are rarely pulled off well. I'm sure Blade can do it---lets go!

The setting and description is great, I can imagine the little kid and the heat on the crowd. The use of Titus was spot on. Man what a brilliant emotional feuld RP, you almost sympathise with Blade which is kind of weird. It says something when the only bad thing you can find in the rp is a typo! Seems like Leeds guy has a challenge

Beckford Well you didn't get transferred so we'll see how you do

Firstly just to pick on formatting. I think Beckford yo looks better than Beckford yo which in turn looks better than Beckford yo. But that's a minor thing. WOW you had your interviewer actually say stuff, this my friends is revolutionary! This was another great RP, you could feel the emotion run thorugh, you can imagine it happening. I think you've hit your writing style and it works oh so well.

Considering you both used my pet hates (In ring promo for blade and Beckfords own dressing room) I was severely impressed.

 

[NSL]

Numbers - Your RP wasn't bad by any means, but it's nothing I haven't personally faced before, as I said in my RP. It's easy to look at Trevor and call him a "bum" or a "hobo", but you could have done a lot better, just from looking at your recent RPs since returning. I went from thinking you'd kill me, to thinking I had a chance.

Showtime - This RP is loooong. But, it works. Like a good CM Punk promo, it has a lot of build, but it pays off well in the end. There's a lot of history there, but you never veer away from the task at hand, which is important against a tough opponent like Lars.

 

[Lee]

Austin Reynolds

I love this character so so much, plus a seasoned RPer like yourself it makes no surprise that I enjoyed this RP. Some RPs drag, some feel they change focus to add a word count. Yours held my attention. A good length too.

Steel

Trevor steel on the first page of a newspaper? This promo is the style I've noticed in this round (myself included) it's a step stone promo. You know what you want to do for KC but want to get it out the way. I dunno I just didn't feel any emotional connection with this one, I've seen you do better.

=====================================================

Baker We know who Jones is, so to say things like "agent and best friend..." every rp feels unecessary to me. As a whole I know you can do better, but this is a hard RP you can tell you're setting up for something and with an unexpected loss you decided to change focus. I guess time will tell on whether it works or not. I'd probably give you a C+ or B- for this.

Mr Baller

So the mystery voice angle we said no to is happening? Great. I won't bother finishing feedback for you.

JOhn Smith Bizarre Becky thing going on and whats with threatening violence on backstage members? That's against the rules (without permission). You very clearly have Klmor say its Becky's day off, that's she's not here and then she's suddenly there at the end. Pretty average RP as a whole.

Krakinov Two no show's you know what that means.

 

[Lee]

Rush Why's everyone going home when the European tour is still going on? I liked the change here, it seemed to work for me. I think you do need to re read before you post though as there were a few grammatical errors or such.

Hammond YOU'RE AND YOUR ARE TWO DIFFERENT WORDS!!! I like how you focused on the problem being yourself rather than being screwed by higher uppers. RPs are meant to be kayfabe and this one got it to a t.

=====================================================

 

[Lee]

Crashin I really don't get the point of this RP. The last bit was mildly amusing but the rest was a drag to read. I do know you hit a writers block though as many seemed to this round.

USA Truth be told I mark a lot for USA, he seems to be rather unlucky in matches but as a character I like him. By the looks of this RP it's a turn around and I think you can really go places in WZCW. I like the inner turmoil USA is facing, though how will he cope outside of his homeland as a face

 

[Phoenix]

Titus: We've had mysteries, ghost towns and now the classic chess board. This was definitely a bounce up given you've had a few bumps in the road. I like how you countered what was said in the history of your feud with Everest, correcting the faults, maybe that steel chair hit him harder than it should have? The RP flows and doesn't feel forced or imposed, you inform people of the situation past and present while building up to match at Kingdom Come. In a fortnight where RPs have lacked form or concentration, this one stood out well and will definitely add more positivity going into your title match. Good stuff!

Only critical question is the phrase "Check", while it's standard to end on "Check Mate" with a Chess Board, was that a deliberate sway because the title match isn't here yet? Or an accidental error?

 

[The Prototype]

Kurtesy: This was a good RP. You addressed your opponents well, and made it clear what your intentions were. I really liked when you said that you controlled Heavy Artillery's destiny. I really enjoyed the end when you said that the only title Lights and Karzai are getting close to at KC is the Mayhem Title. However, during your assessment of Second Coming, some of the things you said made you come off as a cocky heel. And I liked that you kept the part with Deserts kinda short. I know it has been a complaint in feedback in the past, but it sometimes seems as if you're trying to get her over more than Kurtesy. Now, it seemed as if she wasn't overused. This is one of your best RPs yet. Good job.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Mr. Baller: I was reading through the dialogue I didn't find anything wrong, it was a good little RP to back up Baker's one. Sometimes all you need is reinforcement in tag team action. I can see you looking credible in the match with that RP. I also like the instability of the tag team considering you are a face/heel team.

However, one thing I will add is the part where you talk about your opponents should have been more emphasized in the description that you were talking to yourself. You just start talking out of nowhere. Maybe have like a talk to a picture that has Smith/Hunter on there, or think to yourself... something like this.

Still, it was a good RP for a tag team one in your situation also given what Baker has stated in his. With some work, you two could be the next tag team on the block.

 

[Baller]

Falkon: Now I have been very critical of your past RP's but when it came down to the big match before Kingdom Come you stepped up your game.

I really liked this RP as it wasn't long and boring and you limited Sandy which I feel is a major reason why I dislike your RPs.

I also liked the fact that you feel you are in control and you don't feel that you need to team with Second Coming to win the match.

Overall: Solid RP, not sure if it will get you the win but it puts you in contention.

 

[Showtime]

Quick feed (for me anyway)

Steven Kurtesy

A very solid RP. I echo the same remarks others have already commented, that this was a much better RP in general because... a) it was shorter than most and b) there was very little of Sandy Deserts. Now I know I'm the master of long RP's, but the trick is to not overload it with too many examples, issues, ideas, and other variables that do not relate at all to the match, feud, or RP. This one stayed the course and didn't drift off. As for Sandy, I've mentioned this before to u that sometimes put Sandy over more than Kurtesy. This is how I feel she should always be used, a bare minimum. Good writing as always. You did a great job talking about your opponents separately. And I loved the ending "Lights out"

Karzai

Solid RP. To be honest, I would be completely board of the tag team scene had it not been for Kurtesy's attack on Lights and you guys and him sudden beef in your RP's. You countered well with a lot of what Kurtesy said in his RP. He tried to take credit for your first win and you countered back and made yourselves look strong. You made sure to include mention about SC, though your beef is not with them. There was a little bit of humour which is good, but you've had better bits of humour in your RPs. Ending was a little soft, but your middle with Tn'K was on the money. Good job.

Lights

Another good RP. You didn't get to heavy with emotion that you have in some earlier RPs. Liked the first part, the build up. It brought up your last RP, and that you might be in trouble, and then did a good job explaining your match and the stipulation, good piece of writing. The second part interview was pretty short and basic, although with 2 sections it's good that it wasn't long. A good solid paragraph again countering Kurtesy andpushing you guys as a determined and focused team. You guys appear more focused and ready for this than SC, so that boads well for you. I don't see a lot in Lights that really makes him stand out over any character, but it is good to see your developing a bit of 'tude and humour. Clearly you are the straight man, the Lance Storm from the street, and you play it well. Take note of Big Dave from his FHD time. I thought he was about the most vanilla character we had, and then he started developing some layers and now he's one of our best. The writing is good, like most of your RP's there was a lot of good, nothing great, but also nothing bad with it either.

William Teach

Loved it Teach. It was great reading a less serious RP after reading 3 in a row. I also liked how you pointed that out about your opponents. You're definitely the most easy going of them all. I laughed hardcore about the kid being suplexed, you signing him an autograph and the mom saying visiting him would be a start. I don't need to tell you much. The writing was great, and unlike other RP's, you didn't stay off course and brought yourself back to the match and reality at hand at the right points. Everthing you wrote was good.

Garth Black

Another awesome poem RP. I will admit these tend to drag on and this one is no exception. The mold is working but I would still really like to see something different from Garth. Maybe next time Garth can actually be interviewed by somebody and mix between saying a poem and answering questions. Just a suggestion. The writing is good and it's amazing how you can include info that you need to discuss and fit it into poem form. That skill alone can win you some matches.

Phoenix

RP was kinda short (though yours are never long) and light on emotion. I remember your early RP's so full of mystery and anger and I wish we could come back to that. It was interesting how you agreed to extend the olive branch to Kurtesy's offer. At least your characters focus is in the right place. That he doesn't want another team in the title match. The RP was light on content as well. Little about your opponents or your team. SC I feel really need to start pushing themselves over a lot more, or else they will simply be a run of the mill team with 2 good posters.

 

[Lee]

Baller This RP was a bit different in that you have started a new storyline here. Which seems rather odd, it's like WWE starting a new storyline the week before Mania. However I really liked it, the link up between you and Baker worked well and you're improving every week.

Kurtesy

Kurtesy: Should have known it was you. No-one really does sarcasm better than you do because I certainly didn't get it.

That made me Laugh out loud. Triple threat tag team = not sick pack. I like this rp and don't at the same time. Let me explain, to me a tag team match should have a tag team RP, this would have been great for an individual one and the focus seems more on Sandy Deserts then your own partner. As a single one though this is damn good!

Doc You're unlucky that Falkon has decided to copy your colour scheme. Now I've realised that someone fucked up the previews and this match is a six pack challenege. I'm away two weeks and it breaks down Anyways this isn't Tys feedback. Aside from just saying 'good rp' I liked the team mentality behind this it was about 'we' not 'I' and that works so much better.

Tasty and Jordan I'm sure I gave MSN feedback, if I didn't tell me and I'll give you feedback.

Teach Wahey some team work I loved this RP. You had a mix of team work as well as an individual RP. The way you and Leon worked playing laser tag was funny as fuck and it served a purpose.

 

[a0161613]

Payne, Showtime, Reidar & Killjoy:

I didnt want to bundle you all together but I noticed a couple of things you all had in common. The dialogue was generally very good with some good attacks. but I think you can all add some description in there because looking at a giant text wall can be off-putting.

RPing for a big multiman match is never easy (and for that reason the KFAD will be tough for everyone involved.) and just listing off attacks on everyone in one or two big paragraphs isn't going to cut it.

You can certainly tell Showtime's and Polley's experience as their RPs are really very good, Showtime's nailed the length and the intensity of Reidar just burns through. Payne and Killjoy I would say are a little light on the ground in comparison but certainly the bones are there and they are the first time I have either of their stuff.

 

[Super Crazy]

Titus : Excellent Rp. Interesting move using the chessboard and Becky Serra. Your RPs a really great in helping build up this feud and the title match that I am anxiously awaiting. As always keep up the good work. Phoenix already pointed this out, but you ended the game with " Check " , is this because the title match has not occured yet?

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Cougar: From all the previous shows you have wrote for your RP's, this length and the distribution of dialogue is much better. Although the long rants were effective, this one has been wrapped up with a nice little package. Good to see, considering this is a ten man tag team match that doesn't need an overload of RP in there. The thing with Leon was really well done, and the Ty Burna involvement adds something else to the RP.

From what was said, it was a great RP.


Titus: Solid RP heading into KC. You really hit on a lot of things, like references to your character, past experiences and using chess as a way to construct the RP. I even saw a correction on an Everest comment! Great stuff, nothing really to correct.

 

[Lee]

KillJoy usually if someone breaks the rules I won't feedback. BUT DON'T ATTACK INTERVIEWERS WITHOUT PERMISSION. I love your formatting. As a whole, good content. I sort of lost attention but then re read it and it works. The red mask thing made me laugh (see titus' past).

Show WHo is the highest rated star in the company? You? Aries? Neh it's Titus I loved this, really did. The interaction with you and Ty was spot on. Not much I can say really.

Lars You mention three interviewrs at the start...did you realise we had Stacey too? Courtesy/Kurtsey. I dunno what it was about this rp, to me it felt a bit forced and no flow. THough I liked the Batteman interaction even if a lot of people have been doing it recently.

Payne I mark for Payne, great character. I can see payne exactly thinking that there's either win or lose. No grey. This is a pretty sound RP, if I am criticising though I would say I thought the bit atthe end about the opponents felt like it was added in for the sake of it.

Ty I'm going to propose to my GF this week but BAH GAWD AM I GOING TO RP. This is EXACTLY how the rp should be. You take the elimination side of thigs, yet build for KC. People have either focused on one or the other, you've got both. Great stuff :thumbs up:

Dave Short but great. This is spot on as a lot of the rps this round. I love how you didn't list off your opponents but instead focused on Frankie Smith your KC opponent. Can't criticise this, aside from you meeting up with Ace and he's vanished

Frankie Smith I want to get off by saying, your RPs over the past month have been incredible. What is it with people starting their rp after just having a shag? Amazing. Aside from that, I love the cocky feel you have going. Naturally thats how I see Frankie some big wins would make him think he's invincible.

Phoenix I gave you on MSN

Royale/ Ace Far too good to even put in words!

 

[ABMorales787]

Doc/Max Karzai: Very unique from my perspective. You detailed very well the background. But to be honest, I kinda felt like was reading the script of a Broadway musical. Don't get me wrong, I liked it, I just don't know what to make of the style. None the less I enjoyed it.

 

[The Doctor]

KillJoy: I enjoyed it. It had a bit of a rocky start, but once you got into your flow I really invested into your character. Enjoyable RP that could have been better. Still a fun read though.

 

[The Doctor]

Numbers: Have I ever told you how much I love your RP style? It reminds me of RPs I used to do for other sites. Not wrestling ones, mostly shipping ones, but anyway...
Love the style because it's unique for this site, where most people do RPs in skit or play style.
The opening with the hype video was also unique and well-done, and really gave it some "oomph" at the beginning. The whole RP was a nice read.
i did however notice some mistakes in grammar when you were talking about Beckford and Payne. Nothing too huge, but it threw me for a second.
Good RP.

 

[a0161613]

Doc/Karzai:
I love the style I really do. It’s the description that I really dig and the formatting works too, even though there seems to be an error in the last time of the crowd’s “murmuring”. And I hope the length doesn’t bite you in the backside because it’s so short, there is no promo and I think it leaves your partner with a lot to do for the team.

Mayhem match:

Sivsyboi/Smith:
Good style, could have had a bit more substance to the part with Becky but it kept me interested as to what he was going to do next. Klamor seemed to be a non factor once the promo starts and you forget about half of the other opponents in your match, while the attacks you make seem to be pretty week.
someone as unstable of that

You could do with proof reading as there were a couple of little errors like this.

Killjoy:
It’s intriguing. You certainly nail the personality and it is a tense promo. I would say that a State Address, if it was to happen at all, should take place in front of an audience and not stage hands at a random place.

Again it is short and the promos are almost non-existent. So far, both you and Sivsyboi failed to mention Trevor Steel, the wildcard in this match IMO.

LowKi/Hammond:
I don’t like the description in brackets firstly – sorry, lol. I think you need more of it though, description that is. It’s a bit of a red and blue word wall and gets worse as the paragraphs get longer. Again you fail to address all of your opponents, which isn’t great but certainly not meant just at you.

Pimpin/Baker:
I love the character’s mindset that you have got into. I do feel it’s a very simple promo, while the best i’ve read so far, it is just another interview and that you need to dig deeper and give us more depth to the character. He’s a mainstay in that division and been through a lot, now is the time for us to be given more about him.

The promo is good, you get to everybody which is key and never forget the description. In the end it becomes a word wall.

Baller:

I love it and it’s your best yet IMO (I haven’t read them all, only a couple of them). The attitude is spot on and you touch on everything, in exactly the way you should. This makes you a real contender for the match.

It wasn’t perfect but I really liked it.