Mantaur Rodeo Clown
X-Pac Rules
It was more of a joint effort. I sent my first script to him, he edited it and sent it back, and so on until we had a good enough RP.
RP Feedback Thread
- Thread starter sincade20
- Start date
It was more of a joint effort. I sent my first script to him, he edited it and sent it back, and so on until we had a good enough RP.
FYI, and I don't know why Lee's not busting you guys's balls for this. Probably like me he like's to pause for 3 secs and check out FalKon's sig, but normally you don't post comment to feedback in here. This is just to make feedback. If you want to comment on it you should post it in the discussion thread.
Big Dave
Entertaining read. I had always viewed you and Ace as faces and now that I'm looking at you as heels you make a very good annoying heel. Your the uber excited fan that everyone's embarrassed to have who just wants to bask in his success and have fun doing it. I don't know if you guys work on each others piece's or not but your dialogue between both characters, and Everest, were really good. Your guys interactions between each other and use of subtle descriptions make for an entertaining read. You make great use of colours and spacing and is one of the easiest pieces to read. I like your team and while I viewed you guys before as the 'White Cryme Tyme' I now see you guys more of the mismatched pair of dorks, the 'cool' but shady Ace and the over-enthused too happy to be here Big Dave. He plays the straight man and you're the funny guy. Great Job!
Ace
Excellent short RP. Nothing long and fancy, but had a lot of good elements and went straight to the points. You and Big Dave now also remind me of E & C (posing with the belts there). You keep with the same stoyr drawn by your partner, mention the PPV, and talk about both rivalries here, yours vs SC and Everest and Ricky. Good job.
Garth Black
My favourite heel, and for the first time I'm reading your piece like you were a face. It was really good, but wasn't as funny, ironically even though your character was trying to be more funny than cruel. Your interview with Leon was very well done. One thing I'm just thinking of is Leon is an exclusive Ascension interviewer only, and I'm sure your on Meltdown, but I'm thrilled to see Leon used instead of Beckysarus and Staceysarus. It's good to see you still have the same verbal skills and ability to insult people, but you do it now in a more kinder and humourful way. Good turn to face. I thought it was a good piece, you used many biblical references, what has been a stable in your last few RP's. You explained how you will prevail over your opponenets and put yourselves over well. Outstanding read.
Phoenix The wrestler this time
Realizing my earlier error (damn the wrestler phoenix and the poster phoenix) I come to the real Phoenix's RP. As always, good opening setting description. Phoenix has always had a mystery to him and while there are similarities in your RP's, I find them different and interesting each time. Like Garth, your wonderful with your characters dialogue, pacing and words. You talk about about the PPV and how you will be reborn, for the better. Nice jab with the A & M K, they are princesses. I also liked the ending sentence, telling the Dave's to make sure they bring your gold. As always with your RP's, I only wish I had more to read, but you always make good with what you leave us. Great job Bird man.
Entertaining read. I had always viewed you and Ace as faces and now that I'm looking at you as heels you make a very good annoying heel. Your the uber excited fan that everyone's embarrassed to have who just wants to bask in his success and have fun doing it. I don't know if you guys work on each others piece's or not but your dialogue between both characters, and Everest, were really good. Your guys interactions between each other and use of subtle descriptions make for an entertaining read. You make great use of colours and spacing and is one of the easiest pieces to read. I like your team and while I viewed you guys before as the 'White Cryme Tyme' I now see you guys more of the mismatched pair of dorks, the 'cool' but shady Ace and the over-enthused too happy to be here Big Dave. He plays the straight man and you're the funny guy. Great Job!
Ace
Excellent short RP. Nothing long and fancy, but had a lot of good elements and went straight to the points. You and Big Dave now also remind me of E & C (posing with the belts there). You keep with the same stoyr drawn by your partner, mention the PPV, and talk about both rivalries here, yours vs SC and Everest and Ricky. Good job.
Garth Black
My favourite heel, and for the first time I'm reading your piece like you were a face. It was really good, but wasn't as funny, ironically even though your character was trying to be more funny than cruel. Your interview with Leon was very well done. One thing I'm just thinking of is Leon is an exclusive Ascension interviewer only, and I'm sure your on Meltdown, but I'm thrilled to see Leon used instead of Beckysarus and Staceysarus. It's good to see you still have the same verbal skills and ability to insult people, but you do it now in a more kinder and humourful way. Good turn to face. I thought it was a good piece, you used many biblical references, what has been a stable in your last few RP's. You explained how you will prevail over your opponenets and put yourselves over well. Outstanding read.
Phoenix The wrestler this time
Realizing my earlier error (damn the wrestler phoenix and the poster phoenix) I come to the real Phoenix's RP. As always, good opening setting description. Phoenix has always had a mystery to him and while there are similarities in your RP's, I find them different and interesting each time. Like Garth, your wonderful with your characters dialogue, pacing and words. You talk about about the PPV and how you will be reborn, for the better. Nice jab with the A & M K, they are princesses. I also liked the ending sentence, telling the Dave's to make sure they bring your gold. As always with your RP's, I only wish I had more to read, but you always make good with what you leave us. Great job Bird man.
Never done feedback before so bare with me:
Zander Young: First time ever reading Zander TV and I thought it was great. I loved how you coincidentally run into Becky and she happens to have pen and paper on her. The party scene was very funny and seeing some of the wrestlers drunk and riding the motorbike. I think you show the guy you are by offering Garth some respect, and I think you pulled off Garth's attitude right on.
Zander Young: First time ever reading Zander TV and I thought it was great. I loved how you coincidentally run into Becky and she happens to have pen and paper on her. The party scene was very funny and seeing some of the wrestlers drunk and riding the motorbike. I think you show the guy you are by offering Garth some respect, and I think you pulled off Garth's attitude right on.
Hammond & Byakko - Sorery, but I can't read all that without some editing. I can't tell if they're supposed to go together, or if you guys just happened to work similar RPs. The length looks good, so there could be some good stuff in there, but I'd consider editing for the future. Different colors for different talkers, maybe some italics for actions. Separating them would help too.
Blade - Another solid RP. I'd say your the best of the most recent class of rookies, and a feud involving Celeste pretty much proves that.
Baller - I like the character development, and like how you worked off the story. Other than that, it seems like the same thing from last week. Last week was a big step from the previous one, and this one is parallel movement. No improvement, but you didn't get worse.
William Teach - Not a bad RP. If I remember correctly, your last RP took place in the same style setting. This seemed to follow the same pattern. It was good, but it's not building anything. I like how you commented on Murfish though, calling it a big opportunity.
Blade - Another solid RP. I'd say your the best of the most recent class of rookies, and a feud involving Celeste pretty much proves that.
Baller - I like the character development, and like how you worked off the story. Other than that, it seems like the same thing from last week. Last week was a big step from the previous one, and this one is parallel movement. No improvement, but you didn't get worse.
William Teach - Not a bad RP. If I remember correctly, your last RP took place in the same style setting. This seemed to follow the same pattern. It was good, but it's not building anything. I like how you commented on Murfish though, calling it a big opportunity.
as promised for anyone who gave me feedback this round:
Mr Baller - i liked the idea of the RP but the conversation at the start between leon and becky just didnt seem to flow right. im not sure that becky is the type of character to tell other wrestlers in their interviews that they are cocky. thats more of a stacey madison kind of thing. and then i wouldnt expect an interviewee to point out someone cockyness. Another thing i found confusing was when you said that being interviewed by leon was a step down from becky, then dissed becky, it just didnt really make sense to me. but maybe im thinking too much into it. dont get me wrong, it was still a good RP, and i think that you are one to look out for in the future. but try and let the conversation be a bit more casual, for your type of character especially.
but the RP was still a good read and i can see you improving in the future
Mr Baller - i liked the idea of the RP but the conversation at the start between leon and becky just didnt seem to flow right. im not sure that becky is the type of character to tell other wrestlers in their interviews that they are cocky. thats more of a stacey madison kind of thing. and then i wouldnt expect an interviewee to point out someone cockyness. Another thing i found confusing was when you said that being interviewed by leon was a step down from becky, then dissed becky, it just didnt really make sense to me. but maybe im thinking too much into it. dont get me wrong, it was still a good RP, and i think that you are one to look out for in the future. but try and let the conversation be a bit more casual, for your type of character especially.
but the RP was still a good read and i can see you improving in the future
OK, it has been far too long since I did any feedback for any of the RPs that have been done lately. In fact, I think that last time I did it I wasnt on creative. So, here goes, Daves creative feedback. Hear me now, child!
Matt Royale - I liked this RP but I have no idea what was going on. The dialogue was good and the promo had a good sense of continuity. You referred back to your earlier loss and kept your gimmick going well in the process. You then talked about your opponent and his stature etc. which was pretty good too. I just had no idea what was going on. What was the music doing? I mean, you may be setting something up there but right now, all it is doing is interrupting a promo that was good without something like that. I look forward to seeing how it goes.
FalKon Yeah, it was pretty good. I liked it a lot. It is quite close to the way that I write RPs and for that reason, I liked it more. You gave a lot of detail and set up your RP well with the detail beforehand. It was well written and was a good read. I liked the use of some Latin and I think it added a little something extra to the RP. I think that you have done enough to win this match and it will have to be a good RP to beat you if your opponent does show up, that is.
Trevor Steel I like your character. You have come on leaps and bounds since joining the E-Fed and I think that this RP is another example why you are one of the most promising people in the E-Fed. I like the style you write in and it gets the job done every time. I think it a very honest type of writing style and it is paying off big time. I liked how you incorporated some of the other things that are happening right now, into your RP. That worked well, I thought. Just a quick note though, dont use light blue. I had to squint to read it. I know that is silly but, for me, it was harder to read. Great job nonetheless.
Blade - A great read and it puts you in the same boat as NSL, you have both proven that you guys can cut it with the best of us in the E-Fed. Again, you put in another top quality RP and it will pay off. It was humorous and it kept me entertained throughout. Im supposed to be you friend in the E-Fed and you had me completely fooled. A great job so keep it up and lets nail this bastard once and for all
.
Fratelli I already said that I thought your RP was very good, in fact I said that I loved it, which I do. It is funny and a little bit strange which is what I like. None of that cocky heel bullshit here just a solid RP that really does prove that Zander and Frankie is one of the best feuds in the E-Fed at this precise moment. This should be another great match between the two of you and judging by this RP, your opponent will have to be very good to beat it. Well done.
More will follow but my laptop needs charged...
Matt Royale - I liked this RP but I have no idea what was going on. The dialogue was good and the promo had a good sense of continuity. You referred back to your earlier loss and kept your gimmick going well in the process. You then talked about your opponent and his stature etc. which was pretty good too. I just had no idea what was going on. What was the music doing? I mean, you may be setting something up there but right now, all it is doing is interrupting a promo that was good without something like that. I look forward to seeing how it goes.
FalKon Yeah, it was pretty good. I liked it a lot. It is quite close to the way that I write RPs and for that reason, I liked it more. You gave a lot of detail and set up your RP well with the detail beforehand. It was well written and was a good read. I liked the use of some Latin and I think it added a little something extra to the RP. I think that you have done enough to win this match and it will have to be a good RP to beat you if your opponent does show up, that is.
Trevor Steel I like your character. You have come on leaps and bounds since joining the E-Fed and I think that this RP is another example why you are one of the most promising people in the E-Fed. I like the style you write in and it gets the job done every time. I think it a very honest type of writing style and it is paying off big time. I liked how you incorporated some of the other things that are happening right now, into your RP. That worked well, I thought. Just a quick note though, dont use light blue. I had to squint to read it. I know that is silly but, for me, it was harder to read. Great job nonetheless.
Blade - A great read and it puts you in the same boat as NSL, you have both proven that you guys can cut it with the best of us in the E-Fed. Again, you put in another top quality RP and it will pay off. It was humorous and it kept me entertained throughout. Im supposed to be you friend in the E-Fed and you had me completely fooled. A great job so keep it up and lets nail this bastard once and for all
.Fratelli I already said that I thought your RP was very good, in fact I said that I loved it, which I do. It is funny and a little bit strange which is what I like. None of that cocky heel bullshit here just a solid RP that really does prove that Zander and Frankie is one of the best feuds in the E-Fed at this precise moment. This should be another great match between the two of you and judging by this RP, your opponent will have to be very good to beat it. Well done.
More will follow but my laptop needs charged...
Dave. - yet another solid RP dave, i really like how you explain the settings, the way i imagine it is probably the very same you did in your mind as you wrote it.
it was that well written, no real negative things to say here, and nothing i can say would really help you get better! except keep doing whatever it is you're doing
it is main event material in my eyes anyway
and i look forward to celestes reply and the match.
well done sir.
it was that well written, no real negative things to say here, and nothing i can say would really help you get better! except keep doing whatever it is you're doing
it is main event material in my eyes anyway
and i look forward to celestes reply and the match.well done sir.
Spaceman Spif
Getting Noticed By Management
Matt Royale: Not bad at all, I liked it, though the interuptions where a bit weird and I don't think they really fit. I don't know what you were trying to do there, but all in all not bad, keep it up, you'll do good things here. All in all good rp man.
FalKon: I liked your stuff alot in our house show match, and after this all I can say is watch out for AshLeigh FalKon, you are doing really awesome and I loved this rp. The latin was great and I was impressed all around. I'm a fan.
Dave: Ummm all I really can say is I really enjoyed your rp man. You have talent and I can't wait to read more of your stuff, couldn't really find anything negative about this rp.
I'll post more feedback later. Though let me say, great job so far to everyone. Way to go people.
FalKon: I liked your stuff alot in our house show match, and after this all I can say is watch out for AshLeigh FalKon, you are doing really awesome and I loved this rp. The latin was great and I was impressed all around. I'm a fan.
Dave: Ummm all I really can say is I really enjoyed your rp man. You have talent and I can't wait to read more of your stuff, couldn't really find anything negative about this rp.
I'll post more feedback later. Though let me say, great job so far to everyone. Way to go people.
Fratelli - I thought it was okay. There was a bit too much in there that was unnecessary, so the length made the RP suffer. But it was funny, and when you got down to business there was some good stuff. But like I said, the main thing that hurt the RP was the length.
Baller- I did enjoy this RP. It was funny and you got your point across well. But it seems your RP's are falling into a pattern where you're basically saying the same thing each week. Try mix it up a little bit for the PPV, think of something creative!
Matt Fox- The start of the RP was great. It was original and intense and gripped me. But when it moved on to talking about your opponent, it kinda sounded like most other heel promos. Like I said for Baller, maybe mix it up a bit in coming weeks.
Ok, I'll do a bit more tomorrow.
Baller- I did enjoy this RP. It was funny and you got your point across well. But it seems your RP's are falling into a pattern where you're basically saying the same thing each week. Try mix it up a little bit for the PPV, think of something creative!
Matt Fox- The start of the RP was great. It was original and intense and gripped me. But when it moved on to talking about your opponent, it kinda sounded like most other heel promos. Like I said for Baller, maybe mix it up a bit in coming weeks.
Ok, I'll do a bit more tomorrow.
obiwansidisi
Listenin' to TechN9ne...
Hammond: I enjoyed this, good read... I loved your use of two r/p's was brilliant. It made it look as if you and Byakko were going back and forth. Very well done. I was however, concerned with the subject matter of the 2nd rp, as it strayed from the first. They were both great though!!!
Byakko: Same with you. As I'm new here, and not yet familiar with everyone's style, I rather enjoyed reading your work. I enjoyed the use of the masked man, nice touch there!!! I look forward to "r/p"ing against you soon!!!
Byakko: Same with you. As I'm new here, and not yet familiar with everyone's style, I rather enjoyed reading your work. I enjoyed the use of the masked man, nice touch there!!! I look forward to "r/p"ing against you soon!!!
Will do more RPs, but this one stood out that I felt needed to be done
Obisidius
While the texture of the RP in terms of content were great, there was so many format issues that really brought it down. Firstly, the pictures, the Miami one was fine to set the scene, but the other images really take the flow of the RP away, everyone should know what Becky and your character looks like, the RPs are to trigger our imaginations, also, from a Creative point, using Eddie Guerrero was a big no for me because your character image change was not confirmed, as by the rules:
The other issue I have, yellow text are a real eye sore to read, at least that tone of yellow, so please think about people who will be reading them as well.
Otherwise the RP was decent aside from this issues I have.
More feedback to come later, but early previews for the AWESOME sign include Blade, Rush and Celeste!
Obisidius
While the texture of the RP in terms of content were great, there was so many format issues that really brought it down. Firstly, the pictures, the Miami one was fine to set the scene, but the other images really take the flow of the RP away, everyone should know what Becky and your character looks like, the RPs are to trigger our imaginations, also, from a Creative point, using Eddie Guerrero was a big no for me because your character image change was not confirmed, as by the rules:
The other issue I have, yellow text are a real eye sore to read, at least that tone of yellow, so please think about people who will be reading them as well.
Otherwise the RP was decent aside from this issues I have.
More feedback to come later, but early previews for the AWESOME sign include Blade, Rush and Celeste!
obiwansidisi
Listenin' to TechN9ne...
Blade: Wow... that was good. The way you captured the intensity of the moment and surmising what was going on through emotion was brilliant. A bit cheesy the way you played to the crowd, but it reminded me of Mic Foley, so in that, you get props. Great work!
Baller: Pretty good, you've got a "Rev. James Mitchell" thang goin' on with Karnage... well played. I really didn't see how your character was going into the match, other then to remind him of his insignificance... you should've played on that more. Other than that, good job!
Dave: Um... well... it was... brilliant! The only confusing spot was in the narrative, but the story itself worked out really well. I would've asked for a bit more description as to what was happening, but I was able to follow it well enough. I tend to do that in my work because I'm a very visual person. Here watch...
You wrote...
I would've written:
You don't have to do that, it's just a matter of preference, but like I said... it was brilliant non the less!
Baller: Pretty good, you've got a "Rev. James Mitchell" thang goin' on with Karnage... well played. I really didn't see how your character was going into the match, other then to remind him of his insignificance... you should've played on that more. Other than that, good job!
Dave: Um... well... it was... brilliant! The only confusing spot was in the narrative, but the story itself worked out really well. I would've asked for a bit more description as to what was happening, but I was able to follow it well enough. I tend to do that in my work because I'm a very visual person. Here watch...
You wrote...
I would've written:
You don't have to do that, it's just a matter of preference, but like I said... it was brilliant non the less!
It's been a hectic week, but I'll give feedback on the ones I read:
Titus - Definitely liked the RP. I really like the Titus character, and the fun that he brings to the show. Nice use of the Elite X title.
Steamboat Ricky - Not a whole lot of substance there, but it ended really well. With the ending you gave it, I'm guessing you had to leave some stuff out, so I can understand the vagueness.
Rafael De La Nacho - You keep improving each week. Nice heel move blaming your partner for the loss, and nice job of advancing your character. Too bad creative isn't protecting me from anyone...I'd take you on
USA - I was worried you wouldn't be RPing, but you got it in I liked it. It's short and sweet, and covers everything it needs to for a 6-man tag thrown together seemingly at the last minute. Good job building up your partners as well.
Titus - Definitely liked the RP. I really like the Titus character, and the fun that he brings to the show. Nice use of the Elite X title.
Steamboat Ricky - Not a whole lot of substance there, but it ended really well. With the ending you gave it, I'm guessing you had to leave some stuff out, so I can understand the vagueness.
Rafael De La Nacho - You keep improving each week. Nice heel move blaming your partner for the loss, and nice job of advancing your character. Too bad creative isn't protecting me from anyone...I'd take you on
USA - I was worried you wouldn't be RPing, but you got it in
I liked it. It's short and sweet, and covers everything it needs to for a 6-man tag thrown together seemingly at the last minute. Good job building up your partners as well.TheDandTheV
Occasional Pre-Show
Zander Young
I liked it a lot. You had the regular comedy aspect of your usual RPs, which is always entertaining, and you brought an entirely new side of Zander, which came off well. You also got me even more interested in your match by going into depth about the briefcase.
I liked it a lot. You had the regular comedy aspect of your usual RPs, which is always entertaining, and you brought an entirely new side of Zander, which came off well. You also got me even more interested in your match by going into depth about the briefcase.
Zander Young
After I first read it, I liked it. But I wanted to read Frankie's then cause he posted first and then I loved your RP even more. Your RP's remain consistently good but you really stepped it up for this one. There was terrific story, great interactions between characters. Compare this to your first RP's it blows them out of the water. It has focus, your biggest improvement. Then after all the fun early on it gets really serious and interesting. You call out the obvious, that Frankie has never beaten you, and what's more acts like he's better than you with nothing to back his claim. It had anger, emotion, and it true to the way it's been between you two. This is a great RP to break off a feud. A couple of minor spots where color dialogue mixes in with standard description black (a golden rule of WZCW damn it) and otherwise, a solid PPV RP. Well done.
Frankie Smith
The boss will wait his turn as I dissect Frankie for a minute. Wanting to begin with something positive, your writing structure and grammar have improved much since your arrival here. Now the RP was pretty uninteresting in my honest opinion. It neither discussed in any reasonable length about your feud with Zander, and the fact he's beaten you several times, and what it is that you plan on doing to him.
"I know that's what I said before, but now it's my type of game. No DQ baby"
"You know I am, I'm gonna make him my bitch. He's gonna be screaming in agony as I smash his skull with anything I can damn find. I'll hit him with his own fist if I have to"
Those were about the only two things you had to say the above. That is unacceptable for a PPV feud. Especially when the rest was awful self promotion and pointless beat downs. I've mentioned before to you that beating people up in your RP's does nothing for you. You might preceive yourself as strong, but that don't mean the writers will. You have to tell and engaging and kinda realish story. You punching out Derick from Sum 41 and flicking a cig at a mosher I don't buy. It was way too cocky without enough to back any of it off. Not enough focus on the match.
Titus
Good work boss on your RP with PPV. I couldn't help but imagine House between you and Kensworth, you being House of course. It was a great fun way to begin the RP till we got to the meat of it in your interview with Stacey. The whole thing was very well paced and structure. When Stacey came, I pondered over the idea of how I and the rest of the roster would mold Stacey's speech, given Becky's generic good girl, and Leon and Klamour pretty straight foreward as well. You did an excellent job with Stacey's words and the back and forth between you two. Another thing I liked was the putting over of a few other talents, like Drake and Trevor Steel (great job boss). Your paragraphs with Titus flowed smoothly and you did a good job with the difficult task of addressing multiple competitors, choosing to focus on some more than others, but still including everyone. Excellent PPV RP boss. Hope you pick yourself to win.
Trevor Steel
I gotta say, looking at your match and the fact that 3 ppl didn't RP, and that you yourself must've been panic stricken to get your RP up on time, I really enjoyed it. Yes it's not an epic, and you probably could've done more with it or painted a different and maybe better story, but for the size and what you had it was very good. I've said before, I like how your character's real. In this it showed, the nervousness, the repeated worries, the graciousness he felt when Titus approved (good job pointing out), his son. The character is engaging. The focus on the match was short, but in a bog match like this, less is kinda more, as you don't want to go into great lengths with each partner and opponent. You said what was basically need to be said and gave your character more depth and more to talk about. It was a good RP, especially considering the time you had and the length of it. And one more thing.
Showtime...
Building to something maybe? We'll see. We'll see about that.
Rafael
You put the wrong colour font for Bateman's dialogue. I COULDN'T ENJOY IT AFTER!!! No no, in all seriousness that was one of the few minor blemishes in an otherwise fine RP. The other thing I disliked to get that out there is Bateman's remark of brand, which there is no branding, just two shows for one roster. I guess that shows the lvl of criticism I have for the piece. Your character appeared strong and determined. You continued to play up your feud with Steel, and win lose, you've made it clear that this isn't over till you get a 1 on 1 rematch, what your good at. Good solid writing and strong points made my you and Bateman. What I also really liked is the grounding your character took at the hands of Bateman. Most new comers come right up to the bat saying their better than everyone. You got told your a prospect and you'll have to earn your matches, that'll earn you points with the writers. I think you have a lot to build here and with your two opponents not RP'ing, I think you'll get the performance you've been looking for out of this match. Someone from your team has to and you're the only one. Great RP.
USA
Last one for the night. A trip to the other side of the mirror with Black speaking text and coloured description, very different. I'm taking your character more and more like a new-aged Sgt Slaughter and I'm realizing now that character drives speech. I feel some of your RP's lack description, but that's because that's not how your character acts. He doesn't need to speak much, just enough. We see the similar things we see in your RP's. Brave men and women training hard and giving their all and using that as the backdrop for your characters belief and purpose. And then comparing those men to your partners, great way to put them over. Your character is the type who really doesn't need to put himself over much, so it is good that you put over your partners. That paragrapgh really worked well and sold well the fact that your team will beat the other team. Not a lot was said about your opponents and more could've probably been said. Also the ending seemed a bit forced. I know you've had a few matches for the Elite X title and still want to push for it, but things must come natural. You seemed to be trying to sell us that you should face Titus again. Otherwise, a good RP.
After I first read it, I liked it. But I wanted to read Frankie's then cause he posted first and then I loved your RP even more. Your RP's remain consistently good but you really stepped it up for this one. There was terrific story, great interactions between characters. Compare this to your first RP's it blows them out of the water. It has focus, your biggest improvement. Then after all the fun early on it gets really serious and interesting. You call out the obvious, that Frankie has never beaten you, and what's more acts like he's better than you with nothing to back his claim. It had anger, emotion, and it true to the way it's been between you two. This is a great RP to break off a feud. A couple of minor spots where color dialogue mixes in with standard description black (a golden rule of WZCW damn it) and otherwise, a solid PPV RP. Well done.
Frankie Smith
The boss will wait his turn as I dissect Frankie for a minute. Wanting to begin with something positive, your writing structure and grammar have improved much since your arrival here. Now the RP was pretty uninteresting in my honest opinion. It neither discussed in any reasonable length about your feud with Zander, and the fact he's beaten you several times, and what it is that you plan on doing to him.
"I know that's what I said before, but now it's my type of game. No DQ baby"
"You know I am, I'm gonna make him my bitch. He's gonna be screaming in agony as I smash his skull with anything I can damn find. I'll hit him with his own fist if I have to"
Those were about the only two things you had to say the above. That is unacceptable for a PPV feud. Especially when the rest was awful self promotion and pointless beat downs. I've mentioned before to you that beating people up in your RP's does nothing for you. You might preceive yourself as strong, but that don't mean the writers will. You have to tell and engaging and kinda realish story. You punching out Derick from Sum 41 and flicking a cig at a mosher I don't buy. It was way too cocky without enough to back any of it off. Not enough focus on the match.
Titus
Good work boss on your RP with PPV. I couldn't help but imagine House between you and Kensworth, you being House of course. It was a great fun way to begin the RP till we got to the meat of it in your interview with Stacey. The whole thing was very well paced and structure. When Stacey came, I pondered over the idea of how I and the rest of the roster would mold Stacey's speech, given Becky's generic good girl, and Leon and Klamour pretty straight foreward as well. You did an excellent job with Stacey's words and the back and forth between you two. Another thing I liked was the putting over of a few other talents, like Drake and Trevor Steel (great job boss). Your paragraphs with Titus flowed smoothly and you did a good job with the difficult task of addressing multiple competitors, choosing to focus on some more than others, but still including everyone. Excellent PPV RP boss. Hope you pick yourself to win.
Trevor Steel
I gotta say, looking at your match and the fact that 3 ppl didn't RP, and that you yourself must've been panic stricken to get your RP up on time, I really enjoyed it. Yes it's not an epic, and you probably could've done more with it or painted a different and maybe better story, but for the size and what you had it was very good. I've said before, I like how your character's real. In this it showed, the nervousness, the repeated worries, the graciousness he felt when Titus approved (good job pointing out), his son. The character is engaging. The focus on the match was short, but in a bog match like this, less is kinda more, as you don't want to go into great lengths with each partner and opponent. You said what was basically need to be said and gave your character more depth and more to talk about. It was a good RP, especially considering the time you had and the length of it. And one more thing.
Showtime...
Building to something maybe? We'll see. We'll see about that.
Rafael
You put the wrong colour font for Bateman's dialogue. I COULDN'T ENJOY IT AFTER!!! No no, in all seriousness that was one of the few minor blemishes in an otherwise fine RP. The other thing I disliked to get that out there is Bateman's remark of brand, which there is no branding, just two shows for one roster. I guess that shows the lvl of criticism I have for the piece. Your character appeared strong and determined. You continued to play up your feud with Steel, and win lose, you've made it clear that this isn't over till you get a 1 on 1 rematch, what your good at. Good solid writing and strong points made my you and Bateman. What I also really liked is the grounding your character took at the hands of Bateman. Most new comers come right up to the bat saying their better than everyone. You got told your a prospect and you'll have to earn your matches, that'll earn you points with the writers. I think you have a lot to build here and with your two opponents not RP'ing, I think you'll get the performance you've been looking for out of this match. Someone from your team has to and you're the only one. Great RP.
USA
Last one for the night. A trip to the other side of the mirror with Black speaking text and coloured description, very different. I'm taking your character more and more like a new-aged Sgt Slaughter and I'm realizing now that character drives speech. I feel some of your RP's lack description, but that's because that's not how your character acts. He doesn't need to speak much, just enough. We see the similar things we see in your RP's. Brave men and women training hard and giving their all and using that as the backdrop for your characters belief and purpose. And then comparing those men to your partners, great way to put them over. Your character is the type who really doesn't need to put himself over much, so it is good that you put over your partners. That paragrapgh really worked well and sold well the fact that your team will beat the other team. Not a lot was said about your opponents and more could've probably been said. Also the ending seemed a bit forced. I know you've had a few matches for the Elite X title and still want to push for it, but things must come natural. You seemed to be trying to sell us that you should face Titus again. Otherwise, a good RP.
Cougar - another top notch rp from the mayhem champion. i really enjoy your character and the mega celebrity vibe you get from him is great and something that hardly anyone does. the rp was cocky and in your opponents face, and it wasnt just the generic cocky heel promo, yours was clever and imaginative yet believable. your character doesnt even need a background story or other characters, the way you have got Cougar set up with the talk show is great. not any criticism to give here. another great RP well done 
Mantaur Rodeo Clown
X-Pac Rules
Fratelli/Zander Young - Very Good RP man. I really like the easy mix of comedy with serious build up. You started with a good bit of comedy to get the reader into it and then you just layed out what you felt and what you were going to do to Frankie. Also some good Continuity in there with Stacey, and the little things were just nice to note. The Reality Show thing is still golden and it's a good way to cap off a nice feud.
Ashleigh Falkon/AshLeigh Falkon - Yeah once again, a pretty good RP. you had a nice comedy spot with some dark undertones which I think really establishes some depth to your character. One thing I found funny was the camera mans ability to be able to focus on some many different objects all at once. An ad for false news paper advertisements and ass cream? Wowzers. All in all, pretty good, and understandable from the fact that you haven't had a feud to work off of besides Joshua The Baptist.
Ashleigh Falkon/AshLeigh Falkon - Yeah once again, a pretty good RP. you had a nice comedy spot with some dark undertones which I think really establishes some depth to your character. One thing I found funny was the camera mans ability to be able to focus on some many different objects all at once. An ad for false news paper advertisements and ass cream? Wowzers. All in all, pretty good, and understandable from the fact that you haven't had a feud to work off of besides Joshua The Baptist.
Viola Moonlight
I'm Literally Just Here for WZCW
I will be trying my hand at reviewing RP's from now on. Here is my first set, I will get the rest up for feedback on the whole card.
MRC/William Teach - This was a good promo that added more to you're character. The use of comedy throughout was a nice touch & you could really draw from his cockiness. I love the catchphrase angle to help you right the RP.
TheDandTheV/Matt Royale - Solid RP here that seemed to keep the fuel going through the fire of the Royale/Fox feud that ties very well into the character. I could not find anything wrong.
Matt Fox/Matt Fox - Portraying the RP as both an interview & a dramatic scene to explain yourself further was done beautifully. The transition was not too harsh in going from one extreme to another & I thought was done to the best it could have been. The RP title helped for the dramatic scene, but not for the interview. Otherwise, great RP.
obiwansidisi/Obisidus - Good RP for a gauntlet match, nothing specatular here, but it was solid & did its job. The passion from the trainer was something I felt, but did take away from you're character a tiny bit even though I can see the intentions of the environment being a training gym & Obisidus bettering himself.
MRC/William Teach - This was a good promo that added more to you're character. The use of comedy throughout was a nice touch & you could really draw from his cockiness. I love the catchphrase angle to help you right the RP.
TheDandTheV/Matt Royale - Solid RP here that seemed to keep the fuel going through the fire of the Royale/Fox feud that ties very well into the character. I could not find anything wrong.
Matt Fox/Matt Fox - Portraying the RP as both an interview & a dramatic scene to explain yourself further was done beautifully. The transition was not too harsh in going from one extreme to another & I thought was done to the best it could have been. The RP title helped for the dramatic scene, but not for the interview. Otherwise, great RP.
obiwansidisi/Obisidus - Good RP for a gauntlet match, nothing specatular here, but it was solid & did its job. The passion from the trainer was something I felt, but did take away from you're character a tiny bit even though I can see the intentions of the environment being a training gym & Obisidus bettering himself.
i dont want to seem lazy but i think this feedback applys to both Teach and Royale.
firstly both rps were quite humourus and wasnt just random jokes fired in to lighten up the rp. Teach - i liked the idea of having a catchphrase and your reasoning behind it made sense, i think it was a good thing to put it in this match as, no disrespect to the rp's involved, it was mainly for the newer guys to come in and do an rp to stop them from getting rusty. thats how i felt when i was left off the 1st ppv card, and diddnt rp for a month. the rp was good though and your really improving.
Royale, you also had a humourous rp that got me into the story, i also look forward to a fued with you and fox as things really seem to be hotting up. the writing here was good and a nice angle with the wzcw staff member getting chaired.
i do have two bits of criticism for you both though, its not concerning your rp in the way of your writng ability more of a technical thing here. you are both heels but your heelish side didnt come over that well. if i were to have guessed not already knowing what alignment you were id say you were both faces. i also didnt think the gimmick you have chosen really stood out at all during the rps which was confusing. teach, you say you get bored really easily and just start swinging, hmm, didnt really apply to that rp, maybe a rethink on how you want your character to come across and make the change in the character change thread. if your name is teach, and people are chanting teach us, maybe a sort of heelish character who thinks hes smart and intelligent, but really hes not would be better suited?
re reading your roster page it says he's wealthy? well if hes wealthy surely $200 is just carrying around money? whats that like £50? jokes aside, really concentrate on what allignment/gimmick you want to follow.
and royale, your character thinks hes royalty. tell us why he thinks hes royalty, we should be reminded of this every week that this guy royale is a jerk who think hes king of the world you know. your character need to become more annoying (in a good way, think randy orton) that way it will make more sense.
i dont want to take away from the fact that both rps were good. but its something to think about
firstly both rps were quite humourus and wasnt just random jokes fired in to lighten up the rp. Teach - i liked the idea of having a catchphrase and your reasoning behind it made sense, i think it was a good thing to put it in this match as, no disrespect to the rp's involved, it was mainly for the newer guys to come in and do an rp to stop them from getting rusty. thats how i felt when i was left off the 1st ppv card, and diddnt rp for a month. the rp was good though and your really improving.
Royale, you also had a humourous rp that got me into the story, i also look forward to a fued with you and fox as things really seem to be hotting up. the writing here was good and a nice angle with the wzcw staff member getting chaired.
i do have two bits of criticism for you both though, its not concerning your rp in the way of your writng ability more of a technical thing here. you are both heels but your heelish side didnt come over that well. if i were to have guessed not already knowing what alignment you were id say you were both faces. i also didnt think the gimmick you have chosen really stood out at all during the rps which was confusing. teach, you say you get bored really easily and just start swinging, hmm, didnt really apply to that rp, maybe a rethink on how you want your character to come across and make the change in the character change thread. if your name is teach, and people are chanting teach us, maybe a sort of heelish character who thinks hes smart and intelligent, but really hes not would be better suited?
re reading your roster page it says he's wealthy? well if hes wealthy surely $200 is just carrying around money? whats that like £50?
jokes aside, really concentrate on what allignment/gimmick you want to follow.and royale, your character thinks hes royalty. tell us why he thinks hes royalty, we should be reminded of this every week that this guy royale is a jerk who think hes king of the world you know. your character need to become more annoying (in a good way, think randy orton) that way it will make more sense.
i dont want to take away from the fact that both rps were good. but its something to think about
Blade - good rp, solid writing and another improvement from the last one. this will be a hotly contested match and either one of you could come out the winner. one thing i found confusing was the setting of the rp. you could maybe have gone into more detail and i got confused when the crowd started cheering as you didnt say that you were being watched live. something to watch out for. other than that good rp
Fratelli-
Zander TV was great, I really liked it. The back and forth between the 3 guys was cool and I think it works much better away from your RP's.
As for the RP itself, it was ok. The main problem I has was when you were talking about your opponent. You buried him way too much. It's ok to badmouth a guy, but I think you need to build him up a bit. Otherwise it's just kinda over the top... But overall, it was pretty good.
Zander TV was great, I really liked it. The back and forth between the 3 guys was cool and I think it works much better away from your RP's.
As for the RP itself, it was ok. The main problem I has was when you were talking about your opponent. You buried him way too much. It's ok to badmouth a guy, but I think you need to build him up a bit. Otherwise it's just kinda over the top... But overall, it was pretty good.
Blade
A very well written piece. You responded well to the swerve of Karnage turning on you, yet still give hope to him that he'll turn around. You bring up a lot of history and issues between you and Mr. Baller. You've let Baller get under your skin, which is uncharacteristic of your character, and use it to channel and new rage and different feelings. We also see your character playing up being a face more, due to the removal of tweener and your gimmick of being your own anti-anti-hero. While you did a fair job at it, some of your jokes/remarks seemed a little forced. I pegged you as a rebel without a cause type, but now your developing a cause (Karnage) and more trying to get cheers out of the fans, rather than call it good or bad. Not something bad if you have a plan to it all, just something to note. You can be funny, but you shouldn't force it out so much. Best jokes are the natural, he didn't just say that, ones. Writing was good, good focus on everyone who's been a part of your Baller feud. I like the audience reactions that come with all your RP's. It stands out as something different, which is great. Just try not to force all of them and otherwise, you have it down pat to writing consistent good rp's. Good work.
Mr. Baller
Interesting piece to say the least. In most cases if I were to use an opponent or other wrestler in an RP, I ask their permission and give them a rough outline of what I want to use them for and get their input. I hope you went and approached Dave about using him, thou I know he wouldn't mind. I gotta say the whole thing seemed unbelievable. There was no explanation as to how you kidnapped Karnage, no where in your character description does it include mad scientist or diabolical sociopath. It says your an ex bball player (we'll assume basketball you lazy contracters), yet I've seen barely any mention of that, aside from dropping names like LeBron or Wade, or any attitude in your RP that would lead me to guess that. It might be time to freshen up your character and give him a deeper gimmick, something you can use in your RP's. This is just reaching out desperate. 'Good strategy is all about making plays'?. What does that mean? If your comparing it to pissing off Celeste, but backing her up, and kidnapping Karnage, then yes I see it but you need to make the connection clearer. The two paragraphs seemed basic reiterations, addressing roughly the same points and really put over your opponent while not really putting over yourself much, or what you will do if Karnage doesn't help you. This is uncreative and lacks story or emotion. Sorry to be so harsh.
Karnage
Interesting concept of first person. While I liked the piece and it worked really well in this particular instance since there was very little actually said by you, I just don't know about it. In my view when I look at an RP I imagine that it's on TV, what I write would be broadcasted, so I generally try to keep deep thoughts to a minimum, unless it's voiceovers. Yours reads very much like a story. Honestly yours couldn't be expressed the same way on TV, but this is a minor concern that's based only on the fact we write differently. It was a terrific RP in my mind, scary, and had me waiting wanting to know what happened and why. It's good to see you've gone back to the more aggressive, dangerous Karnage. When we first started, I feared you would go too deep right away in the 'I'm a sociopath and I'm gunna kill you', but then you pulled it back to the bizzare, which worked at first till you became a face and then acted silly. Now this piece is chilling. It really highlights how dangerous you can be without any all too common bragging or tough guy crap. You explained well about why you turned on Blade and set it up well for a future feud. The pace was excellent and you set the stage for the match. And all this and your only refing. I look forward to the outcome of this match, great job.
Rush
Considering you felt it was rushed (ha!) and thought it wasn't that good, I'll tell you it was pretty good. We've seen better, but it was not bad. You paint a good setting to start then go though a long thought process. I had completely forgotten your first match was with Celeste and a loss, so this is really full circle for you. Just like for me and Anoki, this is your chance to break off and begin a new. You do a good job of that, re-capping your time in WZCW and explaining your feelings and how they relate to your past. I must say while your trying to make a point, I feel bad for how you clumped Blade into your group of lowly competitors you beat, considering your both faces and he's beaten a few ppl as well. The last bit, Blade beat Celeste, you beat him, was necessary, but the first wasn't, thou I know the point you were getting at. Your very poetic and your words flow together well. I've been seeing a lot of use of the word destiny thrown out by a bunch of different wrestlers and some need to try something different. Your character being one of the few vets, I think a focus more on second chances, rather than out right saying destiny, would work better. You tied history between you and Celeste and everything inbetween very well and put over her very well also. It is a shame your opponent couldn't get their RP up in time as this could've been a really good battle, but in the end it's good news for you. good job.
The dark match and the tag match I'll do tomorrow. My opponents and the rest of the world title match I hope to have done by friday.
A very well written piece. You responded well to the swerve of Karnage turning on you, yet still give hope to him that he'll turn around. You bring up a lot of history and issues between you and Mr. Baller. You've let Baller get under your skin, which is uncharacteristic of your character, and use it to channel and new rage and different feelings. We also see your character playing up being a face more, due to the removal of tweener and your gimmick of being your own anti-anti-hero. While you did a fair job at it, some of your jokes/remarks seemed a little forced. I pegged you as a rebel without a cause type, but now your developing a cause (Karnage) and more trying to get cheers out of the fans, rather than call it good or bad. Not something bad if you have a plan to it all, just something to note. You can be funny, but you shouldn't force it out so much. Best jokes are the natural, he didn't just say that, ones. Writing was good, good focus on everyone who's been a part of your Baller feud. I like the audience reactions that come with all your RP's. It stands out as something different, which is great. Just try not to force all of them and otherwise, you have it down pat to writing consistent good rp's. Good work.
Mr. Baller
Interesting piece to say the least. In most cases if I were to use an opponent or other wrestler in an RP, I ask their permission and give them a rough outline of what I want to use them for and get their input. I hope you went and approached Dave about using him, thou I know he wouldn't mind. I gotta say the whole thing seemed unbelievable. There was no explanation as to how you kidnapped Karnage, no where in your character description does it include mad scientist or diabolical sociopath. It says your an ex bball player (we'll assume basketball you lazy contracters), yet I've seen barely any mention of that, aside from dropping names like LeBron or Wade, or any attitude in your RP that would lead me to guess that. It might be time to freshen up your character and give him a deeper gimmick, something you can use in your RP's. This is just reaching out desperate. 'Good strategy is all about making plays'?. What does that mean? If your comparing it to pissing off Celeste, but backing her up, and kidnapping Karnage, then yes I see it but you need to make the connection clearer. The two paragraphs seemed basic reiterations, addressing roughly the same points and really put over your opponent while not really putting over yourself much, or what you will do if Karnage doesn't help you. This is uncreative and lacks story or emotion. Sorry to be so harsh.
Karnage
Interesting concept of first person. While I liked the piece and it worked really well in this particular instance since there was very little actually said by you, I just don't know about it. In my view when I look at an RP I imagine that it's on TV, what I write would be broadcasted, so I generally try to keep deep thoughts to a minimum, unless it's voiceovers. Yours reads very much like a story. Honestly yours couldn't be expressed the same way on TV, but this is a minor concern that's based only on the fact we write differently. It was a terrific RP in my mind, scary, and had me waiting wanting to know what happened and why. It's good to see you've gone back to the more aggressive, dangerous Karnage. When we first started, I feared you would go too deep right away in the 'I'm a sociopath and I'm gunna kill you', but then you pulled it back to the bizzare, which worked at first till you became a face and then acted silly. Now this piece is chilling. It really highlights how dangerous you can be without any all too common bragging or tough guy crap. You explained well about why you turned on Blade and set it up well for a future feud. The pace was excellent and you set the stage for the match. And all this and your only refing. I look forward to the outcome of this match, great job.
Rush
Considering you felt it was rushed (ha!) and thought it wasn't that good, I'll tell you it was pretty good. We've seen better, but it was not bad. You paint a good setting to start then go though a long thought process. I had completely forgotten your first match was with Celeste and a loss, so this is really full circle for you. Just like for me and Anoki, this is your chance to break off and begin a new. You do a good job of that, re-capping your time in WZCW and explaining your feelings and how they relate to your past. I must say while your trying to make a point, I feel bad for how you clumped Blade into your group of lowly competitors you beat, considering your both faces and he's beaten a few ppl as well. The last bit, Blade beat Celeste, you beat him, was necessary, but the first wasn't, thou I know the point you were getting at. Your very poetic and your words flow together well. I've been seeing a lot of use of the word destiny thrown out by a bunch of different wrestlers and some need to try something different. Your character being one of the few vets, I think a focus more on second chances, rather than out right saying destiny, would work better. You tied history between you and Celeste and everything inbetween very well and put over her very well also. It is a shame your opponent couldn't get their RP up in time as this could've been a really good battle, but in the end it's good news for you. good job.
The dark match and the tag match I'll do tomorrow. My opponents and the rest of the world title match I hope to have done by friday.
For the Gauntlet Dark Match
William Teach
Our winner! Good overall piece. It being a dark match with no real meaning it was a good character builder piece. I enjoy your character's dimwitted innocence. He plays dumb but acts as if he's very smart. The catchphrase is a decent idea and can be used over in future RP's. The jokes were very hit and miss with me. You try and pack too many little ones into some of your sentences. Structurally fine and included refernces to opponents. Good RP.
Matt Royale
An alright RP. You made good use of your prior match outcome in this one. It seems he is scared out of his shoes, but then he keeps remembering who he is (wrestling Royalty) and tries to regain composure and control. While I thought it was well done, and was pleasantly amused by how you playfully made fun of yourself at times throughout, there were a few things I recommend. You really put over Matt Fox well, maybe too much, while making yourself seem defenseless without a steel chair. We see a lot less of the cocky kid with wrestling lineage, and instead see a scared man trying to act brave. It neither works making your guy look good, nor does it make your RP stand out. There are a lot of good things and solid writing in here, but you got to bring the anger/aggression together with the cocky royalty act. I think it would really work.
Matt Fox
Brilliant storyline, excellent description, character build and good dialogue. I don't need to go into detail about it with you. What I can comment on was that there were quite a few spelling and grammatical errors throughout the piece. While I know first hand the longer the piece the more prone to mistakes, you shouldn't let them take away from your RP. Remember to have a look over your RP before you post to check for errors is all I can recommend. Great job.
AshLeigh FalKon
Alright awesome, let's talk about the things that weren't so awesome "Whom"? I try to think that the interviewers are actual professionals that wouldn't make such obvious grammatical error such as this one. I understand it was to set up a heelish correcting comment by you, but it was so utterly forced. It was really at this point that I realized you were heel and double checked your profile to prove it. My honest opinion is you would work much better as a face than heel, but I won't comment further. The 'whom' thing I thought was really dumb. While I'm on that I'm scolding you and anyone who has had Stacey, or Leon or Becky for that matter, and made them use unprofessional words like 'Anywho' and 'Whatever'. You don't see Maria, or Josh Matthews, or any sports or wrestling interviewer use words like that and I hate reading them. Off my rant, I also understand your a closet homosexual and part of the fun is in your character trying to hide it. First of all Stacey is not a ****e and much has been said about toning down the hitting on, flirtation, and sexual comments made by and towards Stacey and Becky. I saw a total lack of that as Stacey pretty well through herself at you. Your character seems to do very little in the hiding part of his sexual preferences and it's more the obviousness of it all that is the humour and drive of your RP. I don't see any random 'gruff voice' that starts talking about sports, girls, or other manly stuff. most of what he says reads straight up gay too me. You should look more at how to hide it more without being so obvious about hiding it. I'd have good things to say, but you said don't bother "I'm awesome" so I'll sum it up, I thought it was on the weaker side of the five, many of the heelish comments seemed forced and your character, and you were unrealistic with your interviewer.
Obsidius
(This feedback will be written much like Obsidius writes his without bleeping)
First, if you're going to swear that much in an RP then just say the fucking swears, Cause fu**in, sh*t, f*ck, look just as bad and just as obvious as fuck. Goddamnit I'd try just swearing less in your RP's as I feel they just don't add fucking much unless there's a lot of anger and raw emotion behind them, otherwise you just seem inbred and white trash, bum, or sailor. I just don't see the reasoning behind why your friend is so fucking upset, or why you're so depressed. It just isn't fitting with your character mold. Couple the fact your only naming off past accomplishments that have little to no meaning in your RP's or WZCW. There's no explanation as to why it's different in another fed. There's no explaining, description or much thought, something that drags this RP down. Interesting thou, is the fact that dispite his accomplishments, he wishes to change and be cheered and if this is what you want for him then I'm at least interested to see where you take this. Tone down the fucking swearing, talk more about the bullshit present, and don't be afraid to use an interviewer and ground yourself. Talk more about your opponents as well. Mother Fucker, lol.
William Teach
Our winner! Good overall piece. It being a dark match with no real meaning it was a good character builder piece. I enjoy your character's dimwitted innocence. He plays dumb but acts as if he's very smart. The catchphrase is a decent idea and can be used over in future RP's. The jokes were very hit and miss with me. You try and pack too many little ones into some of your sentences. Structurally fine and included refernces to opponents. Good RP.
Matt Royale
An alright RP. You made good use of your prior match outcome in this one. It seems he is scared out of his shoes, but then he keeps remembering who he is (wrestling Royalty) and tries to regain composure and control. While I thought it was well done, and was pleasantly amused by how you playfully made fun of yourself at times throughout, there were a few things I recommend. You really put over Matt Fox well, maybe too much, while making yourself seem defenseless without a steel chair. We see a lot less of the cocky kid with wrestling lineage, and instead see a scared man trying to act brave. It neither works making your guy look good, nor does it make your RP stand out. There are a lot of good things and solid writing in here, but you got to bring the anger/aggression together with the cocky royalty act. I think it would really work.
Matt Fox
Brilliant storyline, excellent description, character build and good dialogue. I don't need to go into detail about it with you. What I can comment on was that there were quite a few spelling and grammatical errors throughout the piece. While I know first hand the longer the piece the more prone to mistakes, you shouldn't let them take away from your RP. Remember to have a look over your RP before you post to check for errors is all I can recommend. Great job.
AshLeigh FalKon
Alright awesome, let's talk about the things that weren't so awesome "Whom"? I try to think that the interviewers are actual professionals that wouldn't make such obvious grammatical error such as this one. I understand it was to set up a heelish correcting comment by you, but it was so utterly forced. It was really at this point that I realized you were heel and double checked your profile to prove it. My honest opinion is you would work much better as a face than heel, but I won't comment further. The 'whom' thing I thought was really dumb. While I'm on that I'm scolding you and anyone who has had Stacey, or Leon or Becky for that matter, and made them use unprofessional words like 'Anywho' and 'Whatever'. You don't see Maria, or Josh Matthews, or any sports or wrestling interviewer use words like that and I hate reading them. Off my rant, I also understand your a closet homosexual and part of the fun is in your character trying to hide it. First of all Stacey is not a ****e and much has been said about toning down the hitting on, flirtation, and sexual comments made by and towards Stacey and Becky. I saw a total lack of that as Stacey pretty well through herself at you. Your character seems to do very little in the hiding part of his sexual preferences and it's more the obviousness of it all that is the humour and drive of your RP. I don't see any random 'gruff voice' that starts talking about sports, girls, or other manly stuff. most of what he says reads straight up gay too me. You should look more at how to hide it more without being so obvious about hiding it. I'd have good things to say, but you said don't bother "I'm awesome" so I'll sum it up, I thought it was on the weaker side of the five, many of the heelish comments seemed forced and your character, and you were unrealistic with your interviewer.
Obsidius
(This feedback will be written much like Obsidius writes his without bleeping)
First, if you're going to swear that much in an RP then just say the fucking swears, Cause fu**in, sh*t, f*ck, look just as bad and just as obvious as fuck. Goddamnit I'd try just swearing less in your RP's as I feel they just don't add fucking much unless there's a lot of anger and raw emotion behind them, otherwise you just seem inbred and white trash, bum, or sailor. I just don't see the reasoning behind why your friend is so fucking upset, or why you're so depressed. It just isn't fitting with your character mold. Couple the fact your only naming off past accomplishments that have little to no meaning in your RP's or WZCW. There's no explanation as to why it's different in another fed. There's no explaining, description or much thought, something that drags this RP down. Interesting thou, is the fact that dispite his accomplishments, he wishes to change and be cheered and if this is what you want for him then I'm at least interested to see where you take this. Tone down the fucking swearing, talk more about the bullshit present, and don't be afraid to use an interviewer and ground yourself. Talk more about your opponents as well. Mother Fucker, lol.
