T
The Fat Kid Toucher
Guest
How to Confuse a Blonde
Give her a bag of m&ms and tell her to alphabetize them!
(now im out of jokes)
Give her a bag of m&ms and tell her to alphabetize them!
(now im out of jokes)
-
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Official Joke Thread
- Thread starter Downward Spiral
- Start date
T
The not-so Great Khali
Guest
A school class goes to the local swimming pool.
Teacher to kid: Oi, your not allowed to do that here.
Kid: But sir my Dad said everyone pisses in the swimming pool.
Teacher: Yeah they do but not from the top diving board.
Teacher to kid: Oi, your not allowed to do that here.
Kid: But sir my Dad said everyone pisses in the swimming pool.
Teacher: Yeah they do but not from the top diving board.
T
The not-so Great Khali
Guest
Teacher: Bob your essay on your pet dog is exactly the same as your older brother's.
Bob: Well it would be miss we've got the same dog.
Bob: Well it would be miss we've got the same dog.
TheOneBigWill
[This Space for Rent]
A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. "What the hell are you doing?" (the Husband, screams) "See," (the Wife says to her lover) "I told you he was dumb."
A guy see his ex at a bar and tells her, "I had wild sex with another woman last night, but I was thinking of you all the while." "Oh, so you miss me that much?" (she replies) "No," (he says) "but it kept me from cumming too fast."
Three mothers are in a psychiatrist's office. The shrink says to the first mom, "Your obsession with food made you name your child Candy." He says to the second, "Your obsession with alcohol made you name your child Brandy." The third mom grabs her son's hand and says, "C'mon, Dick, we don't have to stand for this!"
Orlando Bloom goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem, Everytime I look in the mirror, I get aroused." "I'm not surprised." (replies the Doctor) "You're a pussy."
And finally, the last one I have...
A guy is driving down the street in search of a parking place. He looks up and says, "Lord, if you give me a spot, I'll swear off booze for life." Just then a space appears. The man looks up again and says, "Nevermind - found one!"
A guy see his ex at a bar and tells her, "I had wild sex with another woman last night, but I was thinking of you all the while." "Oh, so you miss me that much?" (she replies) "No," (he says) "but it kept me from cumming too fast."
Three mothers are in a psychiatrist's office. The shrink says to the first mom, "Your obsession with food made you name your child Candy." He says to the second, "Your obsession with alcohol made you name your child Brandy." The third mom grabs her son's hand and says, "C'mon, Dick, we don't have to stand for this!"
Orlando Bloom goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I've got a problem, Everytime I look in the mirror, I get aroused." "I'm not surprised." (replies the Doctor) "You're a pussy."
And finally, the last one I have...
A guy is driving down the street in search of a parking place. He looks up and says, "Lord, if you give me a spot, I'll swear off booze for life." Just then a space appears. The man looks up again and says, "Nevermind - found one!"
bigshot316
Dark Match Winner
Why did the Scarecrow get a promotion?
~Because he was out standing in his field!
Whats the difference between Buzz Aldred and Michael Jackson?
~Buzz Aldred is an American pilot and astronaut who was the Lunar Module Pilot on Apollo 11, the first lunar landing. He became the second person to have set foot on the Moon (after Mission Commander Neil Armstrong).
Michael Jackson fucks kids.
Whats black and walks into walls?
~ Jordans Baby
Heard about the Magic Tractor??
It went down a lane and turned into a field!
Man 1 "My dog has no nose!!"
Man 2 "How does he smell?"
Man 1 "Of Badger Blood!"
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
~Being raped
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
The barman kicks him out saying "we don't serve pieces of string in here!!"
So the string goes outside, twists himself into a contorted mess and messes up his hair until its all ruffled up.
He walks back in and the barman says "Are you that piece of string again???!"
......."No I'm a frayed knot" he replies.
Man walks into a drum kit... Ba dum tich!!
~Because he was out standing in his field!
Whats the difference between Buzz Aldred and Michael Jackson?
~Buzz Aldred is an American pilot and astronaut who was the Lunar Module Pilot on Apollo 11, the first lunar landing. He became the second person to have set foot on the Moon (after Mission Commander Neil Armstrong).
Michael Jackson fucks kids.
Whats black and walks into walls?
~ Jordans Baby
Heard about the Magic Tractor??
It went down a lane and turned into a field!
Man 1 "My dog has no nose!!"
Man 2 "How does he smell?"
Man 1 "Of Badger Blood!"
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
~Being raped
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
The barman kicks him out saying "we don't serve pieces of string in here!!"
So the string goes outside, twists himself into a contorted mess and messes up his hair until its all ruffled up.
He walks back in and the barman says "Are you that piece of string again???!"
......."No I'm a frayed knot" he replies.
Man walks into a drum kit... Ba dum tich!!
Man is sitting in the doctor's office, scared to death. A guy sitting next to him asks what's wrong.
First Guy: "Man," says the first guy, "I woke up this morning with a green ring around my penis! I'm scared shitless!"
Second Guy: "Wow! That's funny! I woke up this morning with a red ring around my penis! Wonder what's going on."
Second guy gets called into the office. He comes out 3 minutes later.
Second Guy: "Bro, it's nothing! You'll be fine, trust me."
First Guy: "WHEW! Thank God!"
First guy gets called in. Doctor examines penis and has grave look on his face.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your penis will have to be amputated. There is no other way, and you will die of an infection if this isn't done."
First guy: "But, the guy before me said it was nothing! What the fuck!"
Doctor: "Sir, there is a big difference between gangreen and lipstick."
First Guy: "Man," says the first guy, "I woke up this morning with a green ring around my penis! I'm scared shitless!"
Second Guy: "Wow! That's funny! I woke up this morning with a red ring around my penis! Wonder what's going on."
Second guy gets called into the office. He comes out 3 minutes later.
Second Guy: "Bro, it's nothing! You'll be fine, trust me."
First Guy: "WHEW! Thank God!"
First guy gets called in. Doctor examines penis and has grave look on his face.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your penis will have to be amputated. There is no other way, and you will die of an infection if this isn't done."
First guy: "But, the guy before me said it was nothing! What the fuck!"
Doctor: "Sir, there is a big difference between gangreen and lipstick."
Freedom 35
Kyle Orton Legend Killer
now for some Packer fan jokes because most are hillbilly idiots
you know youre a Packer fan when youre momma uses her cheesehead for a spitoon
you know youre a Packer fan when youre momma uses her cheesehead for a spitoon
Three guys are standing on top of the Empire State Buiding as the finalists for the Biggest Dick contest.
The first guy whips it out, and it hangs down to the 40th floor.
The second guy whips his out, and it hangs down to the 32nd floor.
The third guy whips his out and then starts dancing around like a fool, jumping side to side.
"What the hell are you doing," asks the judge.
"Dodging traffic," the third guy says.
The first guy whips it out, and it hangs down to the 40th floor.
The second guy whips his out, and it hangs down to the 32nd floor.
The third guy whips his out and then starts dancing around like a fool, jumping side to side.
"What the hell are you doing," asks the judge.
"Dodging traffic," the third guy says.
T
The not-so Great Khali
Guest
A couple have a baby.
Man says that he will be a modern day father and will change the nappies.
Later that day the baby does a poo and needs changing.
Man asks woman to change baby as he is tired and says "he'll do the next one".
Next day, the baby does a poo and needs changing.
Woman goes to man, "it's your turn - you did say you'll do it".
Man says "I meant the next baby!"
Man says that he will be a modern day father and will change the nappies.
Later that day the baby does a poo and needs changing.
Man asks woman to change baby as he is tired and says "he'll do the next one".
Next day, the baby does a poo and needs changing.
Woman goes to man, "it's your turn - you did say you'll do it".
Man says "I meant the next baby!"
M
Melon Farmer
Guest
Someone already said this joke, but messed it up. This is how it should be told.
This guy runs over to the doctor's office and yells at the doctor.
Guy: Doctor Doctor!!!
Doc: Yes, how may I help you?
Guy: Doc, you've gotta help me, I woke up this morning with this Red Ring around my dick!!!
Doc: Oh?
Guy: YEA!!! Here, take a look.
The guy pulls down his pants, and his boxers and shows the doctor his penis, with a red ring around it.
Guy: I've tried everything to get it off!!! Nothing helps!!!
The doctor goes to his medical closet, and pulls out a clear liquid in a bottle.
Doc: Here you go, take it, put some on your hand, and rub your dick. And come back to me.
A few hours later, the guy comes back.
Guy: Wow, DOC!!! That stuff really works!!! What was it?
Doctor: Lipstick removal!!
This guy runs over to the doctor's office and yells at the doctor.
Guy: Doctor Doctor!!!
Doc: Yes, how may I help you?
Guy: Doc, you've gotta help me, I woke up this morning with this Red Ring around my dick!!!
Doc: Oh?
Guy: YEA!!! Here, take a look.
The guy pulls down his pants, and his boxers and shows the doctor his penis, with a red ring around it.
Guy: I've tried everything to get it off!!! Nothing helps!!!
The doctor goes to his medical closet, and pulls out a clear liquid in a bottle.
Doc: Here you go, take it, put some on your hand, and rub your dick. And come back to me.
A few hours later, the guy comes back.
Guy: Wow, DOC!!! That stuff really works!!! What was it?
Doctor: Lipstick removal!!
T
The not-so Great Khali
Guest
A man goes to a magic shop. He buys a pair of glasses that makes everything look naked. He put them on and goes home. On the way he passes a traffic warden (naked), a man walking his dog (both naked), two women talking (both naked). When he gets home his wife is sitting there with his best friend and their both naked. He takes the glasses off and there still naked. He says, "I can't believe, I only bought these half an hour ago and they don't work".
A blonde, bruenette, and a redhead all walk into a bar. They sit at the bar and ask if there is a Bathroom here. The bartender says there is, and further more, there is a "Magic Mirror" in there. He says if you look into the mirror and say somthing true about yourself, somthing wonderful will happen. But if you tell a Lie, you will die!
The Redhead walks into the bathroom. She looks into the mirror and says "I think I am the most beautiful woman in this whole bar!" Instantly, a million dollar bill appears in the sink. She takes it and leaves.
The Bruenette walks into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says "I think I am the smartest woman in this whole bar!" Instantly, a key appears in the sink. She leaves and find a brand new car waiting for her outside.
The Blonde walks into the bathroom, lookes in the mirror, says "I think" and dies.
The Redhead walks into the bathroom. She looks into the mirror and says "I think I am the most beautiful woman in this whole bar!" Instantly, a million dollar bill appears in the sink. She takes it and leaves.
The Bruenette walks into the bathroom, looks into the mirror, and says "I think I am the smartest woman in this whole bar!" Instantly, a key appears in the sink. She leaves and find a brand new car waiting for her outside.
The Blonde walks into the bathroom, lookes in the mirror, says "I think" and dies.
The Real Robin Hood
This is a story of Robin Hood, And how he did poor people good,
But there is more to the famous story, of Sherwood forrest's pride and glory.
At night when all the robbing was done, the merry man would have some fun.
Infact it would be safe to say, the merry men were rather gay.
As little John sits to unwhind, Robin takes him from behind,
And so they frolic in the grass as Robin rams him up his ass.
One night while they were all at play, a beautifal maiden came their way.
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck, and said "I'm Marion, wanna fuck?"
The Friar could not believe his ears, "She's offering sex, to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock, Robin presented her with his cock.
The Maiden's clothes were off in a flash, The Merrymen all had a bash.
For the Maiden this was all sheer bliss, as they filled her every orifice.
When all was done she gave a whine, "Thank you boys for a lovely time,
but for your pleasure you must pay, I've got pox, Have a nice day."
The final words were from Friar Tuck, "We dont really give a fuck,
the jokes on you, you silly cow. We've all got AIDS so who's fucked now?"
This is a story of Robin Hood, And how he did poor people good,
But there is more to the famous story, of Sherwood forrest's pride and glory.
At night when all the robbing was done, the merry man would have some fun.
Infact it would be safe to say, the merry men were rather gay.
As little John sits to unwhind, Robin takes him from behind,
And so they frolic in the grass as Robin rams him up his ass.
One night while they were all at play, a beautifal maiden came their way.
She sauntered up to Friar Tuck, and said "I'm Marion, wanna fuck?"
The Friar could not believe his ears, "She's offering sex, to all us queers!"
While he recovered from the shock, Robin presented her with his cock.
The Maiden's clothes were off in a flash, The Merrymen all had a bash.
For the Maiden this was all sheer bliss, as they filled her every orifice.
When all was done she gave a whine, "Thank you boys for a lovely time,
but for your pleasure you must pay, I've got pox, Have a nice day."
The final words were from Friar Tuck, "We dont really give a fuck,
the jokes on you, you silly cow. We've all got AIDS so who's fucked now?"
woodywood7
Dark Match Jobber
Joke 1
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
2nd one
A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her body and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
2nd one
A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her body and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.
The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.
When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.
He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.
She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.
Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.
She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.
Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.
When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.
The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
Freedom 35
Kyle Orton Legend Killer
you know youre a packer fan when the Jack-O-Lantern on your porch has more teeth than youre wife
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
TheOneBigWill
[This Space for Rent]
God asks Peyton Manning first: 'What do you believe?'
Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, 'I believe in
hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I
was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.'
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a
seat to his left.
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, 'What do you believe?'
Tony says, 'I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always
tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.'
God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence and his charming smile, and he offers him a seat
to his right.
Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: 'And you, Tom, what do you believe?'
Tom replies, 'I believe you're in my seat.'
Peyton thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, 'I believe in
hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I
was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans.'
God can't help but see the essential goodness of Manning, and offers him a
seat to his left.
Then God turns to Tony Romo and says, 'What do you believe?'
Tony says, 'I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the
fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always
tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields.'
God is greatly moved by Tony's sincere eloquence and his charming smile, and he offers him a seat
to his right.
Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: 'And you, Tom, what do you believe?'
Tom replies, 'I believe you're in my seat.'
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
