Official Joke Thread

[Downward Spiral]

Post any jokes you know in this thread. I will start off with a fairly old blonde joke here:


A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

And here is another one which I can't quite remember properly:

Three women, a redhead, a brunette and a blonde are on the run from the police in a quiet country town. They stop by a farm with the front gate open, and wander inside to an open barn. They see three sacks lying on the ground, one labelled "Cats", which the brunette hops into, another labelled "Dogs", which the redhead hops into, and the last one, labelled "Potatoes", which the blonde gets into.

Eventually, the authorities come into the barn, and one of them says that they better shake the bags to see if there is anything in them. They shake the one that says "Cats" first, and the brunette says "Meow! Meow!" so they go shake the one that says "Dogs" and the redhead barks like a dog.

Finally, they shake the one labelled "potatoes", and the blonde says "Potato! Potato!"

 

[Omnitalent]

How many war veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU WEREN'T THERE!

Another joke:
Cyric.

BOOYAH. Put another one up for the Talent.

 

[The Enforcer]

Before this thread continues. I think that this has the possiblity to be a great thread HOWEVER......if I see any kind of racism in any of these jokes I can guarentee you that you will be dealt with. Also if there are any serious complaints about a joke I will remove it and tell you not to post something like that again. Just remember to be considerate of other people's race, religion, and sexual orientation.

Thank you
Your Forum Mod

 

[Luther_Hull]

Why did the sand blush?

Because the sea weed!

 

[Abyss]

This is naff:

The x axis is aCROSS.

Get it?

And if you don't know that you should WISE = Ys up

 

[Cyric]

One

A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

Two

What do you do if you see an Iraqi crying and bleeding in the middle of the street?













Reload.

 

[Downward Spiral]

Here is another explicit one of sorts:

Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.

Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband? asked the model.

"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.

"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.

The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.

Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.

"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."

"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."

 

[Abyss]

Man walks into a bar says shit that hurt.

A blonde and a brunette are walking through a park, the brunette says look a dead bird, the Blonde looks up to the sky and says where?

 

[Downward Spiral]

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

 

[Downward Spiral]

An executive was in a bind. He had to get rid of one member of his staff. He had narrowed it down to two people: Mary and Jack. The decision was hard to make as they were both equally senior, equally qualified, and both did excellent work. He finally decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be let go.
Mary came in the next day and was dreadfully hungover - she had really been partying the night before. She went over to the water fountain to get some water, so she could take some aspirin, when the executive approached her and said,

"Mary, I have never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Mary replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache."

 

[St. Joe]

i dont get it

3 contruction workers are eating the first one say.

" Turkey again, if i get this one more time im gonna jump off this building."

The other 2 say the same thing about Ham for the second and PB&J for the third.

The next day they all have the same thing and ump off the building.

At the funeral the first 2 wives say,

" I thought he liked turkey/ham."

The thrid one says,

" I don't get it, he packed his own lunch."



3 men go up in a helicopter and drop things to mark their territory. The first one drops a rock, the second drops a stick, and the third drops a bomb.

A few minutes later the 3 men are walking. They see a little boy crying and the first guy asks him why he is crying.

" I was looking at the sky and a rock came and hit me in the face."

the same thing happens with a little girl and the stick. They come to a third child. Its a little boy laughing. The thrid man asks the boy why hes laughing.

" I farted and my house blew up."

 

[Downward Spiral]

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

 

[word-4life]

lol
theres a plane crash between the american and canadian and half them are candian and half american. Where do the surivors get buried?





They dont they survived!

 

[St. Joe]

yo momma so ugly the kids ran back to micheal jacksons house

 

[Final Form Snyper.]

One night at a club little red riding hood and the big bad wolf were getting their groove on. After hours of dancing and leading eachother on, they went back to his place. He asked her "come on please just let me stick it in." Little Red Riding hood replied 'Stick to to the story motherf**ker, EAT ME!

 

[Final Form Snyper.]

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.

 

[Downward Spiral]

A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
You can lead a horse to water but... how?
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than... the pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is... not much.
Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.
None are so blind as... Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.
There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

 

[king of kings icon]

dont not read bottom before reading all of it
dont go to the bottom dont skip any bits otherwise its ruined and the joke wont be funny

cows
about
talking
person
this
got
ive
how
look

read it from cows to look but with the word bird before it
than the word bird after it like cow birds
than both before and after
than read it from look to cows without the word bird

tell me what u think if u like it i will have more to show have ones like 10time better this was just any i picked

 

[Downward Spiral]

Aah, very tricky indeed. A good little trick to play on people there because I literally didn't know what the fu*k you were making me do. Good joke, but it belongs in the Jokes thread, so:

*Merged*

 

[king of kings icon]

sorry i didnt know there was a thread for it sorry lol

 

[Downward Spiral]

3 Stages of Sex:
1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.

2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.

3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!"

 

[Luther_Hull]

A man with an orange for a head walks into a bar, he gets a drink and sits down, while he is sat down the barman's amte says to the barman "next time he comes up ask him why the hell he has an orange for a head". The man with an orange for a head returns to the bar, the barman says "mate, if you don't mind me asking, why do you have an orange for a head?". The man with an orange for a head says "well, I don't tell many people this, but I'll tell you, I was walking in the dser many years ago when I stumbled across a lamp, a genie came ou of the lamp and gave me three wishes, I wished for lots of money, lots of women and an orange for a head"

 

[pinky girl]

lol

 

[TheRealDC]

^much like Luthers joke but a tad different and more of a punch line...

This guy walks into a bar and sits down, and orders two drinks. Bartender sits two beers in front of the man and turns around. The man drinks the first beer and a little man hops out of his shirt picket and kicks the second bottle over. The Bartender catches this out of the corner of his eye... but doesn't believe what he sees.

The Bartenders asks the man, "What the hell was that?"

The guy replies, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

The Bartender shrugs it off. The man orders two more beers. He drinks one, and sure enough the little guy hops out of the mans pocket and kicks the second bottle over.

The Bartender goes to say something but stops, as a drop dead gorgeous blond walks in and goes straight up to the man. The man whispers something into her ear and hands her a wad of cash, tightly wrapped in rubber band, and she leaves.

The Bartender looks at them man again, and says "Look chap, I don't mean to be a pest but somethings not right here. Next rounds on me if you tell me what the hell is going on."

The man starts, "OK, but first I'll tell you after I get two more beers."

The Bartender places two more in front of him.

"OK," the man begins. "I was walking along the beach one fine day, and I saw this thing resting in the sand. I wiped it off and a genie pops out saying he will grant me three wishes. The first wish was for all the money I could ever need for the rest of my life without ever going broke. So I got that. The second wish was for the most beautiful wife any man could ask for, and she would be completely devoted to me, and do whatever I tell her. And I got that as well."

The man chugs the first beer, and the little guy hops out of his shirt again.

"Well what the hell is that then?" asks the bartender.

The man looks as the little guy hops back into his shirt pocket, "My last wish was for an eight inch prick... AND THERE HE IS."

 

[Downward Spiral]

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, ''Up nuts!''

And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, ''Down nuts!'' And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, ''Cheer nuts!'' And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, ''Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, ''PEANUTS!''