Cena's Little Helper
Mid-Card Championship Winner
Anchorwoman: Well, that will do it for us tonight. Stay tuned for The Simpso…
The screen cuts off from the nightly newscast on Fox’s Chicago affiliate. Instead of a rerun, the viewers are given an A/V feed from a half-lit, aboveground parking garage. Kofi Kingston tensely sits on the hood of a car (presumably his). He is tapping his right foot and nervously nibbling on his fingernails. A car can be heard coming up the ramp. As the car nears Kingston’s parking level, the viewers hear both its Wankel engine and stereo system (which is currently playing the Adam K and Soha remix of Ercola and Heikki L’s Deep At Night). Finally, a red 2001 Mazda RX-7 comes into view. It speedily passes by Kofi Kingston, who quickly gets up off his car’s hood and briskly walks after it.
The camera follows Kofi Kingston and finally swings out to his left once he reaches the now parked RX-7. The camera stops to give the viewers a medium-shot of Kingston waiting for the car’s owner, Thaddeus Noe, to step out. As soon as the driver door opens, Kingston walks up even closer and abruptly begins to ask Noe a question.
Kingston: Mr. Noe, why am I being sent to Jamaica?
Noe steps out of his car. He has yet to register Kingston’s presence.
Kingston: Mr. Noe?
Noe (jumping and gasping): Jesu…Kofi! You scared me half to death.
Kingston: Why am I being sent to Jamaica, Mr. Noe? Why am I not even being given a choice in the matter? I was just told by Mr. Sheen that my job depended on me going to Jamaica for the purposes of “character development.” What the hell is that even supposed to mean?
Noe: Why don’t we head to my office, Kofi? I think this is a conversation that we should have in priv…
Kingston (angrily, and more confidently): No! I want answers right now!
Noe (to the cameraman, waving his hand across his neck): Hey, cut the feed and get out of here.
The cameraman presses a button, but the feed is still alive as the viewer can still see the pavement of the parking garage, towards which the camera is now pointed.
Noe (without video): All right, Kofi, you want to discuss this right here, that’s fine by me. But, before I continue, I will warn you right now: moxie means fuck-all to me. I can see that raising your voice to me took courage, and I bet you’re a little proud of yourself at the moment. But, I couldn’t care less. Another outburst like that, and the only trip you’ll be taking is one out of MWPW, courtesy of my boot in your ass.
At this point, the cameraman turns a corner and stealthily brings the camera back up to his shoulder to record the conversation between Noe and Kingston.
Noe: Now, in regards to Jamaica, you’re going to Kingston for two months. Of course, you don’t have to go, but that would mean the immediate termination of your employment with MWPW. To put it bluntly, Kofi, old farty Marty really screwed up your character, and our viewers aren’t letting us hear the end of it. Damn, Kofi! If I haven’t canned your ass by then, remind me in the near future to never hire a GM whom I hired based off of his portrayal of a US President and who thinks that Bobby McFerrin is the greatest reggae artist to ever live.
Kingston: Wait…Bobby McFerrin isn’t even from Jamaica.
Noe: Exactly, Kofi! Hell, are you even from Jamaica? Well, that’s beside the point. What I have yet to mention is that the fans like the idea of a Jamaican wrestler, but they want one who shows at least an iota of awareness of Jamaica’s past and current struggles. These people, Kofi, they want realism. And, that’s what we’re going to give them. But, I can’t trust Marty with the research of your character, as he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. So, I’m leaving it up to you to enlighten yourself.
I’ve already had everything arranged, Kofi, but I won’t lie to you: from what I understand, things aren’t going to be all peaches and cream for you down there. I want you to get a firm grasp of Jamaica’s impoverishment, so, you’ll be staying in a shack and you’ll have a daily stipend that just puts you above the poverty line.
Kingston (frantic and dumbfounded): But, Mr. Noe! I’ve done everything you guys have asked of me! I’m always improving my skills as a wrestler and I’ve embraced the character given to me with open arms! So, you can’t be serious! Is this really how you want to treat such a loyal employee?
Noe (smiling): Spare me the lecture, Kofi. I apologize for Marty’s incompetence, as I wouldn’t want to intentionally subject anyone to the management of such a harebrained moron. But, SAG will have my ass if I give him his walking papers. But, Kofi, when you joined MWPW, you surely knew that you were joining an organization founded by one the most soulless assholes to ever walk the Earth, right? Well, if you didn’t know, you should’ve known. So, to answer your question, I treat my employees however I damn well please. Go see Marty to get your traveling itinerary. Hopefully, I’ll see you in two months.
Noe walks away, towards the cameraman, as Kingston, with tears welling up in his eyes, just looks on in amazement with his mouth open. As Noe rounds the corner, he bumps into the well-hidden cameraman.
Noe (chagrined): I thought I told to turn that fuc…
The camera shakes as Noe shoves it. The feed is replaced by static. Almost immediately after the static overtakes the feed, the screen goes to black and Justice’s One Minute To Midnight starts to play. As the songs plays, a blurred, white image appears on the screen while the opening credits of the show (which list MWPW’s roster and its non-wrestling personalities along with their responsibilities) roll. As the credits roll, the blurred white image gradually comes into focus. Once the credits are over, the image is in perfect focus and reads thus:
Mid-Western Premier Wrestling Presents:
90 Minutes To Midnight
Will continue in just a little bit.
The screen cuts off from the nightly newscast on Fox’s Chicago affiliate. Instead of a rerun, the viewers are given an A/V feed from a half-lit, aboveground parking garage. Kofi Kingston tensely sits on the hood of a car (presumably his). He is tapping his right foot and nervously nibbling on his fingernails. A car can be heard coming up the ramp. As the car nears Kingston’s parking level, the viewers hear both its Wankel engine and stereo system (which is currently playing the Adam K and Soha remix of Ercola and Heikki L’s Deep At Night). Finally, a red 2001 Mazda RX-7 comes into view. It speedily passes by Kofi Kingston, who quickly gets up off his car’s hood and briskly walks after it.
The camera follows Kofi Kingston and finally swings out to his left once he reaches the now parked RX-7. The camera stops to give the viewers a medium-shot of Kingston waiting for the car’s owner, Thaddeus Noe, to step out. As soon as the driver door opens, Kingston walks up even closer and abruptly begins to ask Noe a question.
Kingston: Mr. Noe, why am I being sent to Jamaica?
Noe steps out of his car. He has yet to register Kingston’s presence.
Kingston: Mr. Noe?
Noe (jumping and gasping): Jesu…Kofi! You scared me half to death.
Kingston: Why am I being sent to Jamaica, Mr. Noe? Why am I not even being given a choice in the matter? I was just told by Mr. Sheen that my job depended on me going to Jamaica for the purposes of “character development.” What the hell is that even supposed to mean?
Noe: Why don’t we head to my office, Kofi? I think this is a conversation that we should have in priv…
Kingston (angrily, and more confidently): No! I want answers right now!
Noe (to the cameraman, waving his hand across his neck): Hey, cut the feed and get out of here.
The cameraman presses a button, but the feed is still alive as the viewer can still see the pavement of the parking garage, towards which the camera is now pointed.
Noe (without video): All right, Kofi, you want to discuss this right here, that’s fine by me. But, before I continue, I will warn you right now: moxie means fuck-all to me. I can see that raising your voice to me took courage, and I bet you’re a little proud of yourself at the moment. But, I couldn’t care less. Another outburst like that, and the only trip you’ll be taking is one out of MWPW, courtesy of my boot in your ass.
At this point, the cameraman turns a corner and stealthily brings the camera back up to his shoulder to record the conversation between Noe and Kingston.
Noe: Now, in regards to Jamaica, you’re going to Kingston for two months. Of course, you don’t have to go, but that would mean the immediate termination of your employment with MWPW. To put it bluntly, Kofi, old farty Marty really screwed up your character, and our viewers aren’t letting us hear the end of it. Damn, Kofi! If I haven’t canned your ass by then, remind me in the near future to never hire a GM whom I hired based off of his portrayal of a US President and who thinks that Bobby McFerrin is the greatest reggae artist to ever live.
Kingston: Wait…Bobby McFerrin isn’t even from Jamaica.
Noe: Exactly, Kofi! Hell, are you even from Jamaica? Well, that’s beside the point. What I have yet to mention is that the fans like the idea of a Jamaican wrestler, but they want one who shows at least an iota of awareness of Jamaica’s past and current struggles. These people, Kofi, they want realism. And, that’s what we’re going to give them. But, I can’t trust Marty with the research of your character, as he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. So, I’m leaving it up to you to enlighten yourself.
I’ve already had everything arranged, Kofi, but I won’t lie to you: from what I understand, things aren’t going to be all peaches and cream for you down there. I want you to get a firm grasp of Jamaica’s impoverishment, so, you’ll be staying in a shack and you’ll have a daily stipend that just puts you above the poverty line.
Kingston (frantic and dumbfounded): But, Mr. Noe! I’ve done everything you guys have asked of me! I’m always improving my skills as a wrestler and I’ve embraced the character given to me with open arms! So, you can’t be serious! Is this really how you want to treat such a loyal employee?
Noe (smiling): Spare me the lecture, Kofi. I apologize for Marty’s incompetence, as I wouldn’t want to intentionally subject anyone to the management of such a harebrained moron. But, SAG will have my ass if I give him his walking papers. But, Kofi, when you joined MWPW, you surely knew that you were joining an organization founded by one the most soulless assholes to ever walk the Earth, right? Well, if you didn’t know, you should’ve known. So, to answer your question, I treat my employees however I damn well please. Go see Marty to get your traveling itinerary. Hopefully, I’ll see you in two months.
Noe walks away, towards the cameraman, as Kingston, with tears welling up in his eyes, just looks on in amazement with his mouth open. As Noe rounds the corner, he bumps into the well-hidden cameraman.
Noe (chagrined): I thought I told to turn that fuc…
The camera shakes as Noe shoves it. The feed is replaced by static. Almost immediately after the static overtakes the feed, the screen goes to black and Justice’s One Minute To Midnight starts to play. As the songs plays, a blurred, white image appears on the screen while the opening credits of the show (which list MWPW’s roster and its non-wrestling personalities along with their responsibilities) roll. As the credits roll, the blurred white image gradually comes into focus. Once the credits are over, the image is in perfect focus and reads thus:
Mid-Western Premier Wrestling Presents:
90 Minutes To Midnight
Will continue in just a little bit.
