Haiku Hogan's Shit List

[Con T.]

You know who's on my shit list this week?

1. Stormtrooper

It's always sad when a tragedy happens; that's the essence of a tragedy, to arouse pity for a situation that could be avoided. The lives lost in Newton deserve to be mourned today, more than anything else. Of course, we're going to have the gun control debate ad nauseum, but I understand that's coming. It's going to get annoying, but then again, sometimes it's needed to have that talk, even on the internetz where absolutely no one gives a fuck.

But then there's this asshole;

I would call this person a piece of shit (which he CLEARLY is, and if you think otherwise then you yourself are a piece of shit), but last time I called a murdering scumbag a piece of shit I was wrongfully given grief and told he wasn't, so I will refrain. Just know that this guy was a lowlife scum asshole fucking douchebag shit.

My prayers are going out to the victims of this horrendous tragedy.

Ooh... Feel that persecution complex! Just taste that smugness, the temerity to dare bring up that Stormtrooper, yes, poor Stormtrooper, suffered in the past for something he did, in the wake of a national fucking tragedy. The indignities that Stormtrooper had to suffer, so much so that before he even mentions the tragedy, he has to get in his two cents about how he was wronged in the past.

The thing is, I didn't think you acted like a tool during the Jovan Belcher issue. But this post, this fucking post, is more toolish than anything you did during Belcher, and the funny thing is, no one is going to shit on you for this.

Well, actually, I will.

There's a time for this.
Shoulda picked a better time.
This is just douchey.

2. IHW

We all want to be recognized for the things that we do; we all like to get noticed and praised. Of course, when you're the only one that feels you did something worth praise, a cognitive dissonance arises. I'm sure Jim Marshall still wants credit for that touchdown, even though he ran the other way. So I'm sure IHW must have felt great when he saw himself on the ballot for most improved poster of the year.

No votes, but its awesome to be nominated.

Aw, yay for IHW! hooray for you, for getting on the ballot. And hey, this is just the start. When people see your name on the ballot, boy people are gonna see how far you've come. This is just the beginning, my boy! The sky's the fucking limit! You've come a long way baby!

.... Wait, what?

Didn't you nominate yourself?

What?

Not when the only person to nominate you was you. I know who im voting for in the biggest try hard category this year.

Huh?

You're patting yourself on the back for nominating yourself. You know how strange that looks?

Eh?

I could go on, but I'm running out of onomatopoeia. Needless to say, this goes on for a while, almost looking like the Who's on First skit for people with Down Syndrome. Look, we get it, clearly you think you've come a long, long way. But no one else does; most of us think you still suck. Probably because you do still suck.

So start sucking less, for one. Then, you might wind up on someone's ballot.

And then, you're gonna go far!

Such a douche move, jack.
Just accept you fucking suck
And move on, brother.

3. Joe's Gonna Kill You

Wait, what?

Yeah, JGKY. I know you haven't done anything to me, and granted no one on this list has done anything to me. Actually, for the most part, I like the people I'm shitting on here, even Stormy, I do like him (Stormy, if you've begun launching your tirade at me, pull back the reigns, brother, and read this). But I hold a special seat of contempt for you, buddy. You hold a nice little section in the cockles of my dislike. You're not a bad person, but there's a certain thing that raises my ire, every time I see a post from you.

And what is that?

You never say a bad thing about TNA.

Not one.

Listen, I get it, you like TNA. I do too, brother; I think it's the best promotion going in the wrestling business, at least from a quality standpoint. Not like it's making money, but from a quality standpoint, best thing going. Side note; New Japan marks, fuck off, go jerk it to some Okada match, and tell me how that sale to Yukes is working for New Japan. But it's ok to be critical of the product you like, Joe. KB is critical of the WWE, and while he and I don't agree on what makes a good product (Like, at all), I can still read his reviews, and understand that he's putting the product he loves under the microscope, because he loves it. That's what a fan does; they can accept the good with the bad, decipher the awesome from the mediocre, and explain why. Allow me to shot the last couple posts from the TNA LD.

Good show

DAMN those chops were vicious

Bully is so Fucking Awesome

King RVD was fun love to seem them go at it again at Genesis

Damn Good Promo by AJ

Pretty Good tag match

I get it. You fucking love TNA, and think everything they do is great. But while TNA is decidedly better, it's ok to say some things mediocre. AJ's promo was pretty standard, all things considered. King-RVD was ok, but fuck, remember how sloppy the PPV match was? You'd really want to see these two cock suckers go at it again?

Not everything TNA does is good, Joe. And it's ok to say so... You're not less of a fan if you speak ill of a company. The best fans can take what's good and bad about a company, and offer some thoughts.

We get it, brother.
TNA has some bad stuff.
It's really ok.

More when some fucker pisses me off.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

I could get behind this.

 

[The Dewbliners]

I hope to never make it on to this list. It would make Fluttershy weep, if I did. And, I cannot allow that to happen.

 

[klunderbunker]

So what do I have to do to get on this list?

 

[Con T.]

So what do I have to do to get on this list?

Don't like Del Rio?
Oh, your day is coming, Jack.
You just don't know when

 

[klunderbunker]

Don't like Del Rio?
Oh, your day is coming, Jack.
You just don't know when

It's not that I dislike Del Rio. I think he reaches ungodly levels of boring/uninteresting. His in ring work is quite good.

 

[.]

Very well said.

 

[Con T.]

4. Klunderbunker

We all have different things we find interesting. Some people like stamp collecting, some like to go surfing, some people are into scat porn. And we have different reasons why we like these things; I'm sure some people love scat porn because of the trust between two human beings, and some people just like getting shit on. When it comes to Alberto Del Rio, he's the full package. Good looking guy if you can get past the Neanderthal fivehead, great worker, and oozes a certain type of charisma, the type that seems so smarmy and fake that you want to punch the guy in the balls. Which is why I find this quote particularly interesting:

It's not that I dislike Del Rio. I think he reaches ungodly levels of boring/uninteresting. His in ring work is quite good.

First off, Jack, if you're any good in the ring, you shouldn't be a boring match to watch. Mind you, it gets boring to watch him beat Zack Ryder for the 7,924th fucking time, but there's an inherent contradiction to the above statement. If you're a good worker, you're not boring in the ring. It's the reason why Chavo Guerrero, for all the good he is in the ring, will always be remembered for riding a stick horse like it's name was MY UNCLE WAS FUCKING FAMOUS AND I'LL EXPLOIT THE FACT THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM

But that's probably not what you meant, you probably meant his promos more. Mind you, this comes from a guy who, to the best of my knowledge, is a fan of The Ryback, who's been God awful on the mic so far. But still, the shit is scripted for him... What the fuck else do you want from him, jackass? Besides that, he comes from a promotion where promo's weren't "the" thing to draw an audience; it was done by, oh who would have fucking guessed, his in ring work

Oh, and you like The Ryback. And watch this promo

[YOUTUBE]2BbmRdrBt78[/YOUTUBE]

Yeah. That's the kind of wink you give someone when you whip their cock out of their mouth, and shoot your cream in their eye. That's fucking money.

Del Rio is great.
Not saying you like bad things;
But you like bad things.

 

[klunderbunker]

4. Klunderbunker

We all have different things we find interesting. Some people like stamp collecting, some like to go surfing, some people are into scat porn. And we have different reasons why we like these things; I'm sure some people love scat porn because of the trust between two human beings, and some people just like getting shit on. When it comes to Alberto Del Rio, he's the full package. Good looking guy if you can get past the Neanderthal fivehead, great worker, and oozes a certain type of charisma, the type that seems so smarmy and fake that you want to punch the guy in the balls. Which is why I find this quote particularly interesting:



First off, Jack, if you're any good in the ring, you shouldn't be a boring match to watch. Mind you, it gets boring to watch him beat Zack Ryder for the 7,924th fucking time, but there's an inherent contradiction to the above statement. If you're a good worker, you're not boring in the ring. It's the reason why Chavo Guerrero, for all the good he is in the ring, will always be remembered for riding a stick horse like it's name was MY UNCLE WAS FUCKING FAMOUS AND I'LL EXPLOIT THE FACT THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM

But that's probably not what you meant, you probably meant his promos more. Mind you, this comes from a guy who, to the best of my knowledge, is a fan of The Ryback, who's been God awful on the mic so far. But still, the shit is scripted for him... What the fuck else do you want from him, jackass? Besides that, he comes from a promotion where promo's weren't "the" thing to draw an audience; it was done by, oh who would have fucking guessed, his in ring work

Oh, and you like The Ryback. And watch this promo

[YOUTUBE]2BbmRdrBt78[/YOUTUBE]

Yeah. That's the kind of wink you give someone when you whip their cock out of their mouth, and shoot your cream in their eye. That's fucking money.

Del Rio is great.
Not saying you like bad things;
But you like bad things.

Well first off, I do indeed enjoy his in ring stuff and don't find it boring.

As for Ryback, he brought something to the table that Del Rio hasn't done in months: the concept of "it could happen", which is probably the best thing a match can have.

Here's what I mean: when Sheamus fought Del Rio, could you honestly say Del Rio had a legitimate chance to take the belt off of him? As in a realistic chance where it was a tossup going into the match? No. When Ryback was facing Punk in the Cell, there was a feeling of "it could happen", which is what makes wrestling exciting. Del Rio never brings that to me, which isn't all his fault by any stretch.

As for Ryback being weak on promos, it's like Goldberg: that's not why he's there.

Finally, as for the promo you posted, yep that is indeed money. The last time he did that wink and gave that look was......2011? Maybe?

 

[Con T.]

4.5. Klunderbunker (Again)

Wrestling, just like most media, is built on the concept that good prevails over evil. It's a concept as old as time, money, and Burgess Meredith. So when we see a hated villain receive his comeuppance, we all totally understand what is going on.

Well, not fucking KB, apparently

As for Ryback, he brought something to the table that Del Rio hasn't done in months: the concept of "it could happen", which is probably the best thing a match can have.

Here's what I mean: when Sheamus fought Del Rio, could you honestly say Del Rio had a legitimate chance to take the belt off of him? As in a realistic chance where it was a tossup going into the match? No. When Ryback was facing Punk in the Cell, there was a feeling of "it could happen", which is what makes wrestling exciting. Del Rio never brings that to me, which isn't all his fault by any stretch.

Ok, let's just get this out of the way; how, pray tell, is this Del Rio's fault? Of course you don't buy into him; the WWE has to make it a mantra that the good guy always gets his man. Side note; The Mountie was great. Even with Ryback, who did in fact lose that match at Hell in a Cell, he had to get his heat back by giving Punk the Muscle Buster right on top of the cage, which had to suck a gigantic cock for Punk. Before you say it, I know, Survivor Series ended with the heel coming out on top strong; that is the exception, not the norm. If you go back to this year, I'm pretty certain that at least in WWE, you won't find a PPV where the babyface comes out on top to close the show. And that type of booking applies to all faces, unless the WWE doesn't give a shit about you (See; Kingston, Kofi).

I want you to take a look at this; It's a collection of the win-loss records for anyone in WWE with over a hundred matches. There's more, but that isn't important here. I'm using HistoryofWWE as my source; excluding NXT events, includes house shows, not perfect, but good source.

More than 100 matches
Daniel Bryan: 135 matches (54-74-7 = 42% winning)
Sheamus: 134 matches (116-14-4 = 89% winning)
Kane: 123 matches (38-77-8 = 33% winning)
Dolph Ziggler: 122 matches (26-94-2 = 22% winning)
Big Show: 119 matches (61-52-6 = 54% winning)
CM Punk: 117 matches (83-26-8 = 76% winning)
Kofi Kingston: 115 matches (66-48-1 = 58% winning)
John Cena: 108 matches (91-11-6 = 89% winning)

Notice something there, Babaloo?

Good conquers evil;
Everyone seems to get this
Except for KB.

P.S. Yeah, I think it was 2010. The winking thing

 

[Gelgarin]

I like JGKY.

Stormtrooper needs to fall of a bridge as soon as possible.

 

[klunderbunker]

4.5. Klunderbunker (Again)

Wrestling, just like most media, is built on the concept that good prevails over evil. It's a concept as old as time, money, and Burgess Meredith. So when we see a hated villain receive his comeuppance, we all totally understand what is going on.

Well, not fucking KB, apparently

Indeed Del Rio did get his comeuppance. Then he got it again two more times, despite doing NOTHING to earn another shot at the title. That feud brought down not only Del Rio, but Sheamus as well. Again, not Del Rio's fault. That's pure lazy writing and giving the story no effort at all.

As for the idea of a villain getting what is coming to him, indeed that is what the WWE is based on. What it is also based on, and based on more importantly though, is the hero going through adversity. The reason Sheamus vs. Del Rio came off as very boring, aside from the repeated title shots, is that Sheamus treated Del Rio as an annoyance and not a threat, which based on Del Rio's track record was the correct approach.

Ok, let's just get this out of the way; how, pray tell, is this Del Rio's fault? Of course you don't buy into him; the WWE has to make it a mantra that the good guy always gets his man.

Other than Cena. Uh Ryback. Sheamus at the moment. There are likely more but it's 6:05. No wonder I'm thinking about wrestling (five points for whoever gets that reference).

Side note; The Mountie was great.

Indeed.

Even with Ryback, who did in fact lose that match at Hell in a Cell, he had to get his heat back by giving Punk the Muscle Buster right on top of the cage, which had to suck a gigantic cock for Punk.

You mean the time when the monster face should have gone over for the title but WWE has booked themselves into a corner by booking the world title match at the Rumble six to seven months in advance, thereby making everything associated to that title from the summer to January pointless because it has been clear it's going to be Rock vs. Punk no matter what happens along the way? Yeah I'd think I get why he needed to get his heat back too.

Before you say it, I know, Survivor Series ended with the heel coming out on top strong; that is the exception, not the norm.

I would think a heel having arguably two face champions in the whole company (Kofi and Kane as Bryan is a tweener at the moment) would make heels coming out on top at the moment the norm.

If you go back to this year, I'm pretty certain that at least in WWE, you won't find a PPV where the babyface comes out on top to close the show. And that type of booking applies to all faces, unless the WWE doesn't give a shit about you (See; Kingston, Kofi).

If I'm understanding this right, you're saying heels come out on top at the end of every PPV this year? Come now, you're WAY smarter than that. I have to be misreading this.

I want you to take a look at this; It's a collection of the win-loss records for anyone in WWE with over 100 hundred matches. There's more, but that isn't important here. I'm using HistoryofWWE as my source; excluding NXT events, includes house shows, not perfect, but good source.

More than 100 matches
Daniel Bryan: 135 matches (54-74-7 = 42% winning)
Sheamus: 134 matches (116-14-4 = 89% winning)
Kane: 123 matches (38-77-8 = 33% winning)
Dolph Ziggler: 122 matches (26-94-2 = 22% winning)
Big Show: 119 matches (61-52-6 = 54% winning)
CM Punk: 117 matches (83-26-8 = 76% winning)
Kofi Kingston: 115 matches (66-48-1 = 58% winning)
John Cena: 108 matches (91-11-6 = 89% winning)

Notice something there, Babaloo?

Indeed. For a guy who has been WWE Champion for over a year, CM Punk doesn't work that often.

Good conquers evil;
Everyone seems to get this
Except for KB.

P.S. Yeah, I think it was 2010. The winking thing

Yep, right around the time he stopped being interesting. Imagine that.

 

[Con T.]

If I'm understanding this right, you're saying heels come out on top at the end of every PPV this year? Come now, you're WAY smarter than that. I have to be misreading this.

That was an error.
That statement should add "doesn't"
Oopsies on my part.

As for the champions point.... There's merit to it, but Show just got the belt two months ago, Punk was a babyface for quite a while with the belt, and I feel is only holding the belt so he can drop it to The Rock. Cesaro has the belt, and seems to still regularly job.

Am I missing anyone?

 

[klunderbunker]

That was an error.
That statement should add "doesn't"
Oopsies on my part.

As for the champions point.... There's merit to it, but Show just got the belt two months ago, Punk was a babyface for quite a while with the belt, and I feel is only holding the belt so he can drop it to The Rock. Cesaro has the belt, and seems to still regularly job.

Am I missing anyone?

You're missing tonight where Cesaro beat Sheamus. And Monday when he beat Kofi. The fourway from a few weeks ago that got rave reviews where he won. Uh....there's that match where they protected him by having Sheamus win by countout.

I'd hardly think he regularly jobs.

 

[Con T.]

From HistoryofWWE

Antonio Cesaro: 44 matches (29-14-1 = 67% winning)

He's getting better booking, but also was jobbed out to R Truth, to Justin Gabriel (?!), and used to job out pretty regularly to Santino, even with the belt.

When I say he loses too much, I should be more exact; he loses too much, considering he's a champion. Your champions shouldn't be losing, at all. However, that's the way you earn title matches in the WWE, I guess. And sometimes, it isn't even for a title match, they do it.... Well, just because. That's your place on the roster, and that's that.

Oh, and do tell, did the Cesaro-Sheamus match have a fuck finish?

 

[klunderbunker]

From HistoryofWWE

Antonio Cesaro: 44 matches (29-14-1 = 67% winning)

He's getting better booking, but also was jobbed out to R Truth, to Justin Gabriel (?!), and used to job out pretty regularly to Santino, even with the belt.

When I say he loses too much, I should be more exact; he loses too much, considering he's a champion. Your champions shouldn't be losing, at all. However, that's the way you earn title matches in the WWE, I guess. And sometimes, it isn't even for a title match, they do it.... Well, just because. That's your place on the roster, and that's that.

Oh, and do tell, did the Cesaro-Sheamus match have a fuck finish?

Truth was stupid, Gabriel was fine, and both Sheamus matches have ended in countouts, much like Henry vs. Sheamus the year before which turned out fine for both guys.

 

[George Steele's Barber]

Losses in wrestling are like arrests in entertainment, they don't matter most of the time and no one can keep track anymore.

Do I make the list now?

 

[Con T.]

You can't rush foreplay.
it leads to bruised vaginas
And torn labias

 

[The Dewbliners]

Other than Cena. Uh Ryback. Sheamus at the moment. There are likely more but it's 6:05. No wonder I'm thinking about wrestling (five points for whoever gets that reference).

Talkin' 'bout the greatness that was Saturday nights on WTBS?!

 

[The Dragon Saga]

I'm fond of Del Rio the wrestler, his character is boring as all hell.

 

[Mr. Artistic guy]

I can't begrudge JGKY for liking his favourite company. TNA is my favourite company now and has been for a while, but I am more critical than Joe is on the most part-yet less than most people. I can understand wanting to support your company. The way in which I watch TNA as an internet fan, I would probably much rather be like Joe and watch more as a fan and just enjoy what I see, not always having to acknowledge that what I'm watching is not the best.

And wrt Del Rio, totally on KB's side.

Besides that, he comes from a promotion where promo's weren't "the" thing to draw an audience;

But he's in one now and as such should have raised his game in that department. Dean Ambrose was in CZW but you wouldn't just sit and nod if he pulled out a sheet of glass and started carving people up. When you work for the WWE you should aspire to their vision of a performer and that means being good in and outside of the ring, and Del Rio can only check one of those two off. As a fan he leaves me in a position where I know he's probably going to have a good match, but with little reason to care. He doesn't have the character to draw you in to the match initially, which is his main problem.

 

[.]

Del Rio has been pretty boring as of late but i still love to death when he loses on PPV and just fucks up Zack Ryder or Santino the next night on RAW.

Also remember last year at TLC when he DUAL WIELDED CHAIRS?

Also, Stormtrooper is a piece of shit.

 

[George Steele's Barber]

You can't rush foreplay.
it leads to bruised vaginas
And torn labias

Fine, looks like I'll just have to take drastic action and change my username to either Andre the Sonnet or The Ultimate Limerick.

 

[Tastycles]

You should challenge Haiku Hogan,
To become the forum's shogun,
With a poetry battle
Full of banter and prattle
Winner gets to bone Gabby Logan.

 

[Stormtrooper]

So I get called an asshole for calling a murderer a piece of shit.

Then 2 weeks later I am consistent in calling a murderer a piece of shit. I fail to see how I belong on this list, but whatever.

By putting me on this list you say that both murderers (the Kansas City Chiefs player and this asshole from yesterday) are not pieces of shit. Do you really want to say that? I guess so, but that's probably because you are an asshole.


I guess there's just no way I can win, is there?


Oh, and you should put all the assholes who turned that thread into a fucking Gun Control debate in this list too, as that is even worse then what I did. They are blaming the gun and not the man, without even giving people time to mourn. Seriously, those are the real assholes, not people who call murderers pieces of shit (because, again, murdering people makes you a piece of shit).

But whatever, I really could care less. I know who likes me and who doesn't, and the like list is longer then the doesn't like.

Let me put this is something you can understand.

He's a piece of shit
He murdered countless children
He should rot in hell.

Other Guy just as bad
He killed his baby momma
Two weeks ago now.

Sorry you don't like me
But you support murderers
You should not be liked.