An Almost Daily Joke Thread

[Spunky]

Thought i'd help out.

We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
I have given some examples below to help you make the distinction.

GUTS- Is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys only to be met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere"?

BALLS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume, beer and with lipstick on your collar, then having the balls to slap your wifes arse and say, "your next fatty".

The news said in the cold wether we should make sure our neighbours are ok.
My 87 year old neighbour hasn't checked on me once and the lazy bitch hasn't even taken her milk in for two weeks.

Elton john went to a tattooist 'I want a picture of a rollsroyce on my cock' The tattoist looks at him and says 'youd be better off with a LandRover' It wont get stuck in the mud'!

 

[Spunky]

A little boy is playing with his train, mum overhears him say "All you bastards getting off can fuck off. All you bastards getting on better fucking hurry up!" So his mum sends him to his room for two hours until he learns to be nice. When he starts playing again two hours later, mum hears him say "Those disembarking please mind the step and have a nice day, those boarding please enjoy your journey, and those upset at the two hour delay, blame that fat cunt in the kitchen!"

 

[Spunky]

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AAA is not an option. I will win.


Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers, as a form of holy communion.


Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.


Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.


Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.


Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole program looking for it...though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator...(applies to engineers mainly).


Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, hunting, sex, cars, sex, tractors, sex, fishing, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.


Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.


Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the film. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't...and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.


Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?


Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.... like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.


This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

 

[Spunky]

Police finally admit they got it wrong in the shooting of Jean Charles De Menez.
It was his naughty brother they were after, Dennis.


Tomorrow, I'm going to dress up as Hitler but with no trousers or underwear on. I'm going to carry a goat under one arm and a can of spraypaint under the other. Then I'm going to rob my local bank, spray rude messages on all the walls, fuck the goat seven ways from Sunday and curl a big turd out on every desk, before walking out with the money.

Let's see Crimewatch recreate THAT.


WARNING! 9/11 JOKES, IF OFFENDED, DONT READ!

Q: Who are the fastest readers in the world?
A: New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds

What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones head sitting in 90th floor of the WTC ?
- The 91st floor.....

Q: What did one terrorist say to the other terrorist before boarding their respective airplanes?
A: I slam, you slam, we all slam for Islam!

Q: Why didn't Superman stop the planes from hitting the Trade Towers?
A: Because he's a quadriplegic!

Optimism,
as you fall past the 20th floor you shout "I'm not hurt yet"

What music do they play in the elevator in the WTC?
Jump and It's Raining Men

What's the difference between the attack on New York and the Oklahoma City Bombing? - Again foreigners prove they can do it better and more efficiently......

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 1 February 2009

A very sad-looking man walks into a library and asks the librarian at the reference desk for a book on suicide.

The librarian replies, "Fuck off; you won't bring it back."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 2 February 2009

How do all racist jokes begin?

By looking over both of your shoulders.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 3 February 2009

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said, "Lord, I don't have anyone to talk to."

God said, "Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a 'woman'. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She won't nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give 'love' and compassion whenever needed. She will never question your behavior or the company you keep. She will support you and understand that you have important decisions to make throughout your life and that you don't have time for nonsense."

Adam excitedly asked God, "Well, what must I do to get this 'woman'?"

God said, "Well, Adam, you must give me an arm and a leg."

Adam said, "Ooph. I quite like both of my arms and both of my legs. What can I get for just a rib?"

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 4 February 2009

What do you call a woman who stays with you even after you get laid off from your job, lose your savings, gain 75 pounds, and become paralyzed in a car accident?

A fucking jinx!!!

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 5 February 2009

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon, before their lovemaking session, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

Shocked, the husband replies, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, I really miss him!"

 

[Tastycles]

You know it's been February for several days?

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

You know it's been February for several days?

Oh shit, I didn't even notice that! Good lookin' out!

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 6 February 2009

***Limerick Special***

There once was a woman named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And the rest of her half-way to Dallas

 

[Spunky]

A girl and a guy are kissing in a cinema when the lad say's, "I love kissing you, But could you stop passing over your gum?" The girl replies, "it's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."

A husband say's to his wife one morning "What would you do if I won the lottery?" She replies "I'd take half the money, And leave you." "brilliant" the bloke say's straightaway, "I got three number's last night, Here's a fiver(five buck's/pounds) now fuck off!

What's the difference between a fake dollar bill and Amy Whinehouse?
One's a phony buck...

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 11 February 2009

Two guys are sitting in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I fucked your mom last night. We did everything. I fucked her doggy style, missionary, cowgirl, and reverse cowgirl. Then, I fucked her tits while she sucked me off, and I came all over her face."

The other guy puts down his drink and says, "Lets go home dad, I think you've had enough."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 12 February 2009

A son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. The father tells his son that he has had a good, long life and wants to stop off at his favorite bar on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the father's friends leave, the son says, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm gone."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 13 February 2009

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) easiest (buffering 47%) way (buffering 69%) to (buffering 72%) lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hard-on?

 

[Spunky]

A Friends of the Earth activist is concerned that her boyfriend doesn't share her passion for the world, the environment and nature.
"Don't be fucking daft!" he says, "Everything I see reminds me of nature."
"Like what?" she asks.
"Well...your pussy reminds me of a gutted trout and your mums looks like a hippo yawning!"
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I got talking to a girl in the pub last night. Turns out we have a lot of similar interests. Such as My Chemical Romance...

or Rohypnol, as I call it .
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We have all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
I have given some examples below to help you make the distinction.

GUTS- Is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys only to be met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere"?

BALLS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume, beer and with lipstick on your collar, then having the balls to slap your wifes arse and say, "your next fatty".
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
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[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 14 February 2009

A bar owner is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a homeless man asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the homeless man leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When the bar owner answers, there is a second homeless man who also asks for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and this second homeless man leaves.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third homeless man. The bar owner says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too?"

"No, a straw," says the homeless man.

The bar owner gives the homeless man a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the homeless man why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

The homeless man replies, "Some guy just threw up outside but all the good stuff is already gone."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 15 February 2009

While running errands, a man found that he needed to drop a deuce, so he found a public bathroom that had two stalls.

One of the stalls was locked. So, he went into the other one, closed the door, dropped his pants, and sat down.

A voice came from the stall next to him: "Hey man, how are you doing?"

Although the man thought it a bit strange that a complete stranger would want to talk to him in a public bathroom, he didn't want to be rude, so he replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, the voice said, "So, what are you up to?"

The man answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit. How about yourself?"

The next thing the man heard the voice say was, "Sorry, man, I'll have to call you back. I've got some prick in the stall next to me answering everything I say."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 16 February 2009

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a ***** flies out and thumps against the windshield of their minivan.

Worried about the corruption of her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, honey; that was just an insect."

To which the young son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with that big of a dick."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 17 February 2009

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start anytime now!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She flips out. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me, and then expect me to run around like your slave?! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?!"

The husband sighs, "Oh shit. It's started."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 18 February 2009

A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. The nurse reappears and approaches the mother, with the baby wrapped in a towel in her arms.

"Congratulations," the nurse says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

"My baby!" screams the mother.

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" replies the nurse.

However, the nurse stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. The baby hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor, and throws it out of the window.

"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.

"Happy April Fools' Day!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"