An Almost Daily Joke Thread

[Cena's Little Helper]

Fellow Forum Members,

This thread will serve as a repository for jokes. I will, to the best of my ability, try to give you a daily dosage. However, I must forewarn you that the jokes contained in this thread will almost always be scatalogical in nature (metaphorically speaking; the jokes themselves won't literally be composed of shit). So, if you don't find poop and fart jokes and bathroom humor in general funny, then the jokes I will present in this thread will not be to your liking.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 23 January 2009

John and Jane have been married for 25 years. Every morning for the past 20 years of their marriage, John gets up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and goes to the bathroom to get ready for work. Unfailingly, after his morning ritual, Jane says, "One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out!"

One Thanksgiving morning, Jane is preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before John gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey's innards in his pajama bottoms, laughing to herself.

Later that morning, John wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Jane laughs, but is concerned after noticing that John has been in the bathroom for almost an hour.

Jane runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when John opens it, pale as a ghost. John says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again!"

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 24 January 2009

Two necrophiliacs are sitting in a coffee shop together. The first one looks to the second and says, "Are you still dating the same girl?" The second says, "No, the rotten cunt split on me."

 

[Father:_Polley]

This has been done a few times before. And the innards joke made me laugh. The other 1, less so

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

This has been done a few times before. And the innards joke made me laugh. The other 1, less so

I will make sure to throw in some more subtle humor from time to time for the citizens of the Commonwealth-at-large.

 

[Murfish]

Two bananas sat on the river bank when a turd comes foating down the river, the turd says

"come on in guys....

the water's fine"

The first banana says to the second banana "You believe that shit?"

 

[Monkey_Mania]

Lol. Murfish is funny.









I cant believe I just said that.

 

[Father:_Polley]

Lol. Murfish is funny.

I cant believe I just said that.

Now that was funny

 

[Milkyway!]

lOL, I did laugh at murfish's joke the most.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 25 January 2009

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. His dad took him to a bar and tearfully told him he was proud of him. Then his dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for him. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

 

[Murfish]

 

[Captain Charisma.]

So did anyone notice how George Bush and Dick Cheyney became the "Dukes of Hazzard" of America?

You can just imagine Waylon Jennings just doing a voice over.

"Those two draft-dodgers started a pointless war in Iraq?! How in the world are they gonna get themselves out of this bottle of syrup?"

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 26 January 2009

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar, and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence," the barman said.
"Ten pence?!" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A pound," the barman replied.
"A pound?!" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The barman replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

 

[Monkey_Mania]

Hes doing it for the lulz. I like it.

 

[Ms. TM Canada]

Lol.
I've never heard that one before, it's kinda good.
The rest are poop jokes, and my sense of humour doesn't compute poop as funny, but that last one was a gooder.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 27 January 2009

The Pentagon recently found it had too many officers, and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who retired straight away their full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of their body, with the officer getting to select any pair of points they wished. Three officers accepted this offer.

The first officer, an Air Force general, asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second officer, an Army general, asked the pension man to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third officer, a grizzled old Navy commander, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps he might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The commander insisted and the pension man said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the commander to drop ‘em. He did. The medical officer placed the measuring tape on the tip of the commander’s penis and began to work back. "My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”

“In Vietnam,” the commander replied.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 28 January 2009

One day, Mickey Mouse decides to divorce his wife, Minnie Mouse, so he calls up his lawyer to explain the details of the situation.

After listening to him, the lawyer replies, "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can't divorce your wife just because you think she's a bit strange."

Mickey, upon hearing this, replies, "No, you misunderstood me. I didn't say she was a bit strange. I said that she was fucking Goofy!

 

[FromTheSouth]

I heard a racial joke that's pretty funny. Can I tell it without fear of retribution? It's just a joke, and I am not that racist.

 

[Murfish]

Go ahead, racist. Let's see you try to redeem yourself now.

 

[FromTheSouth]

On second thought, it's funny, but once I tell it, it will have too much build up and will certainly disappoint.

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 29 January 2009

The Seven Dwarfs are on a vacation in Europe and receive an audience with the Pope. Dopey serves as spokesman for the dwarfs. Standing before the Pope, Dopey asks, "Your excellency, are there any dwarf nuns in Vatican City?"

The Pope thinks for a moment and says, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Vatican City." This makes the other six dwarfs snicker.

Dopey then asks, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"

"No," the Pope responds. "There are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
Hearing this, the other six dwarfs fall to the floor, laughing and howling.

Dopey looks at the Pope and says, "Sir, are there any dwarf nuns in the world?"

"No, my son," the Pope says. "There are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

With this, the other six dwarfs began chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 30 January 2009

Last night, my girlfriend complained of bad indigestion. It's her own fault; she should have listened to me when I said, "You can't have your ******* and eat it too."

 

[Sparky]

forgive me Irish, and all Irish posters, (including me)
An Englishman, A scot and an Irishman all walk into a pub together. they sit down and all order a pint of guinness. when the bartender gives them the pints there is a fly in each of their beers. The englishman, who is disgusted by the pubs unsanitary conditions, walks out without even touching his drink. the Scot picks up the fly, tosses it over his shoulder, shrugs and downs his Guinness. The Irishman, however, picks the fly up between his thumb and fore finger and holds him up to eye level and shouts "come on you Wee bastard! swpit it out!!"

 

[FromTheSouth]

An American, A Canadian, and an Englishman are side by side by side in a restroom, urinating. As the Englishman finishes, he walks to the sink, where he uses a great deal of soap and rinses and washes for quite some time. He looks at the other gents as he wipes with a wad of paper towels, and says, "A proper English gentlemen spares no expense in making sure his hands are clean." He discards the paper towel and adjusts his tie in the mirror.

As the Englishman is fixing his hair, the Canadian washes his hands, using very little soap, turning off the water while he scrubs, and turning it on very low to rinse his hands. He goes to the air blower and dries his hands. He yells, "In Canada, a man is taught that cleaning one's hands does not mean destroying one's Earth."

He joins the Englishman in the mirror, as the American finishes at the urinal. He walks by the sink, and goes to the door, as he opens to leave, he looks back at the other two and says, "In America, the teach us to not piss on our hands."

 

[Cena's Little Helper]

Joke for 31 January 2009

Why do only 15% of women go to Heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.