I was browsing around for some sig ideas, and I came across this. It's a Charlie Brown spoof.....friggin hilarious.
It was a cold December afternoon. Winds howled as they passed through the cobblestone streets. Snowdrifts piled on the sides of the streets. It was Christmas Eve. Most of the people were rushing around buying last minute Christmas presents or trying to get home to see their families. But one solitary figure was walking slowly down the street with a smug sense of undeserved self-confidence. His slicked back black hair and upturned nose told everyone that he thought he was better than everyone. He was in his own mind.
The man walked to his building and up the steps of his accounting firm. He knocked the snow off of the sign hanging above the door. The name Marley etched into the wood next to his belonged to his late business partner. Together they were moneymaking machines. Squeezing the poor and pitiful for every single dollar they could get out of them. He entered the door while the sign gently rocked in the cold winds.
His assistant, Bob Cratchett, sat on his stool writing on the ledger he had toiled over for twenty-five long, thankless years. The closing of the outside door startled Cratchett and the cold wind blew out his the candle sitting on his ledger. The candle was not just the only source of light Cratchett had but also the only resource of heat he was allowed. Of course, if his boss could have stopped the candle from producing heat, he would have. Heat was for the hard working and Cratchetts sweat producing efforts, in spite of the minus temperature, went unnoticed and under-appreciated.
The man removed his coat and sat behind his desk. He started counting the money he had recently collected from an orphanage. That money was the only resource they had to buy a decent Christmas dinner for the thirty parentless children in their care. But he had taken it all claiming back taxes and missed payments. His heart was truly black and his mind was ruthless. Who cared if the orphans had no food? It was their fault for being poor in the first place. He was merely keeping them in the style of life they had become accustomed to. To spoil them on Christmas would be damaging to their fragile minds. They would begin to expect it on a regular basis and then they would be disappointed. He was doing them a favour. Never allow them to have hope or joy and they would never be disappointed.
Cratchett should have known better. But still he felt that he had earned it. He peaked his head into his boss office. Sir? Cratchett squeaked. May I have tomorrow off?
The boss manner changed from surly to immediate anger. What?
Well, sir, Cratchett said moving into the center of the doorway. Its Christmas tomorrow. I was wondering if I could spend it with my family.
The boss slowly stood up and walked around his desk towards his assistant. His cane pounded into the wooden floorboards with each and every step. Despite his lack of height, he struck fear into the hearts of everyone he met. Cratchett was no different. Soon the boss cane pushed Cratchett into the doorframe with a thud. He leaned in close to his assistant and breathed his hot breath into Cratchetts face.
You want-a Christmas off?
Yes, sir. Id be willing to come in the next day and work two shifts.
Let-a me tell you something. I was the greatest Intercontinental champion of all da times. I-a never took-a day off. I defended that title three hundred and seventy days a year because I, Santino Marella, is the greatest wrestler ever and . . .
CUT! yelled the director, Vince McMahon. The sound stage lights came on and those on the crew, who were standing still started moving. The cameraman reset his equipment, the boom microphone operator rested his arms, and the key grip took a break from gripping the keys.
Vince walked onto the set and put his arm around Santino and said, Santino, were trying to do a serious movie here. You cant be going on and on and on about your in ring accomplishments. Look, this was the fifty-second take youve ruined and its still the first scene in the film. I think were going to have to replace you.
What? screeched Santino in disbelief. There is no one who can replace the great . . .Santino Marella!
Well, we have someone in the wings ready to take over.
Who?
William Regal.
William Regal walked onto the set dressed in the same costume that Santino was wearing. Thank you, Mr. McMahon. It would be an honour to bring a sense of sophistication and elegance to this rather tainted cinematic endeavor.
Santino was fuming. You-a listen to me, Mr. Somamagun. I-a have had it up to about-a here with you. You-a are not-a as-a tough as-a you think-a you are. Santino will be watching you. Oh yes. Santino will be a-watchin. Santino immediate turned his back to William Regal and started stomping away. He pushed his way to the sound stage doors before stopping and turning back. He stuck up one finger and opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but then closed his mouth, turned back, and promptly crashed into a catering cart being pushed through the doors.
----------------------------------
Meanwhile, Charlie Haas and Shawn Michaels were standing at the back of the soundstage leaning on a fake red brick wall.
I dont get it, said Charlie. Christmas has become so commercial these days. I mean I like giving and getting presents but it just doesnt feel right anymore.
Well, Charlie, replied Michaels, Christmas means different things to different people. You have to figure out what it means to you. To some its a spiritual journey. To others its just another reason to shop at WWEShop.com where you can get all the latest DX and Shawn Michaels merchandise. PLUG!!
Yeah I guess, said Charlie. I dont know. Maybe I need to seek professional help.
Batista suddenly walks in and says Im Batista.
----------------------------------
Charlie was watching TV sitting in his usual spot 1 ½ feet from the screen. His roommate, Kelly Kelly, walks up behind him carrying and pencil and a piece of paper.
Hey roomie! said Kelly Kelly cheerfully.
Hey, Kelly.
I need your help.
Weve been over this, Kelly. Pants then shoes.
What? No. Not that. I need you to help me write a letter to Santa Claus, she said handing him the pencil and paper.
What do you need me for?
Ill say what I want you to write and you write what I say what I want you to write.
Why dont you write it yourself?
Because I want to make sure Santa can read it and you have really neat printing and my arms are so thin, I cant lift the pencil.
Um, Kelly. Didnt you carry the pencil over here?
What?
Nevermind. Ok, what do you want me to write?
Ok. Dear Santa. How have you been? How is your wife? I hope the reindeer are well. I have been really good this year especially to the boys backstage so I have a long list of presents I want . . .
Good grief.
. . . please note the size and colour of every item. If you cant bring me everything on the list, just send cash. I would prefer fives and tens.
Fives and tens? Dont you mean tens and twenties?
Ugh no. Stupid. Why would why want less money?
Argh! Charlie got up and left the house.
----------------------------------
Charlie walked through the snow on his driveway. He stopped at his mailbox.
Maybe someone sent me a Christmas card.
He reached inside the mailbox and felt around. Nothing. Sticking his face into the mailbox. Nothing. Just then, Candice Michelle walked by. Well, not so much walked as sashayed. She was listening to her iPod and pseudo-dancing down the sidewalk. She was only wearing tight pants, hooker boots, and a tank top. It was cold that was apparent if you looked at her.
Hey, Candice, Charlie said, Thanks for the Christmas card.
What? Candice asked pulling the ear buds out of her ears.
I said thanks for the Christmas card.
What?
Thank . . . you . . . for . . . the . . . Christ . . . mas . . . card.
But I never sent you a Christmas card.
Dont you know sarcasm when you hear it?
No. Whats sans chasm?
Good grief, said Charlie defeatedly.
He continued to walk down the street until he came upon a makeshift lemonade stand with the words Psychiatrist $0.05 on top with a stool next to it. Charlie sat down on the stool and waited. Out from the nearby house walked Melina. She plopped herself down behind the stand and flipped a sign saying, The Doctress is Real IN.
I have a problem, started Charlie.
Ahem, interrupted Melina, motioning towards the tin can sitting on the stand. Charlie reached into his pocket and pulled out a nickel. He dropped it into the tin can and the clanking sound resounded inside. Melina picked up the can and hugged it tightly. Oh I just love the sound of jingling coins. So clinky. So clanky. It reminds me of when I worked as a streetwalker picking up coins off the street for crack.
What?
What?
Anyway, continued Charlie, Im having a problem with Christmas. I know its supposed be a joyous time but I just dont feel it. I want to but for some reason I cant.
Maybe you have some underlying fear. Are you afraid of enclosed spaces? If so, you have claustrophobia. Are you afraid of people from other countries doing the STFU? If so, you have Cenaphobia. Are you afraid of giant hair dos? If so, you have Afrophobia. Are you afraid of colourful Internet columns? If so, you have Skittlophobia. Or maybe you have Panphobia. I bet you have Panphobia.
Whats that?
The fear of everything.
Thats it! exclaimed Charlie sending Melina into stationary backwards somersaults.
Charlie Haas, what you need is direction. I have an idea. Were putting on a Christmas play. Why dont you direct our Christmas play? Were going to have shepherds, sheep, a manger, and even a Christmas Queen.
Good grief.
----------------------------------
Charlie walked into theatre holding a clipboard and going over his thoughts and ideas in his mind. When he looked up, he saw everyone on the stage dancing. Dolph Ziggler was playing the piano while trying to get people to shake his hand. The Bella Twins had their hands up by their heads and bobbing left and right. Shelton Benjamin was looking to the left and lowering his head below his shoulders then turning right and lowering his head below his shoulders. CM Punk was looking straight up and running on the spot. Batista was switching back and forth between the Running Man and the Mixing Bowl. Shawn Michaels walked by Batista, stared at his dancing, then shrugged.
Ok everybody, said Charlie. Lets get started. Now I have some directing notes to go over. When I make a slashing motion across my throat, it means I want you to cut the scene short. When I make a circle with my arm, it means I want you move the scene along. If I point to my shoes, it means that Ive stubbed my toe.
Charlie was interrupted by the music starting again. Everyone went back to dancing.
Everyone stop! Melina, can you hand out the scripts, please.
No problem, Mr. Director, said Melina. She walked up to Michelle McCool. Michelle, youre going to play the Inn Keepers wife.
Michelle stared at the script. Does the Inn Keepers wife have naturally, curly, red hair?
Michelle, Melina answered, you dont have naturally, curly, red hair.
Oh ok. Nevermind then.
Melina walked up to Jeff Hardy. Pig Pen . . . er, Jeff Hardy. Youll be playing the Inn Keeper.
Jeff Hardy flipped his hair back, looked wide-eyed at Melina, and said, The world is crashing down around you. You will need to take shelter. I am the Omega. I am the Delta. I am the American Airlines. I am Jeff Hardy, the Executive of Extreme!
Ok well be sure to keep that inn clean. Ok. Im going over here now.
Charlie shouted, Ok everyone places!
Wait a minute! said Melina. I dont have a part yet. You do want me to be the Christmas Queen right? You think Im beautiful right? Charlie pauses. You didnt answer right away. What? Is it the eye make up? I cant help it ok? Its the only way Vince doesnt see the wrinkles. I know when Ive been insulted! I know when Ive been insulted!
Charlie hangs his head. Good grief. You know what we need? Some inspiration. I know. Ill go get a Christmas tree. Thatll help.
Batista mumbled in the back of the group. Yeah, thatll help.
----------------------------------
Charlie and Shawn walked onto the Christmas tree lot and took a look around. There were giant aluminum trees pre-decorated, trees with tinsel and lights already hung, and even Goldust standing in the corner dressed as a Christmas tree reading The Night Before Christmas in a very gay voice. Charlie searched and searched and finally he found it. His car key. It was in his coat pocket the whole time. Thats when he tripped.
Look at that. Charlie said.
Charlie, said Shawn, if you come back with that tree, theyll string you up by your nuts. Or worse, youll have to job to Kung Funaki.
I dont care. Im taking it. With that, Charlie picked up a small sickly looking tree and started carrying back to the theatre.
----------------------------------
Dolph Ziggler is playing piano and Melina is leaning on the other end. Dolph is playing Silent Night. Melina leans over and asks, Do you know Jingle Bells?
Dolph starts playing Jingle Bells with a nice piano sound.
No, no, no. You know. Jingle Bells with Deck the Halls and all that.
Dolph starts to play Jingle Bells with a church organ feel to the sound.
No, no, no. You know. Jingle Bells. Like Christmas time is here with snow and presents for little pretty girls.
Dolph starts to play single notes of Jingle Bells that is reminiscent of a toy piano or xylophone. Melina looks at Dolph and then rears back and punches him square in the face. Dolph rolls backwards and holds his face. Melina stands over top of him and says, Dont ever mock me again.
----------------------------------
Charlie and Shawn walk back in the theatre with the miserable excuse for a tree.
What the hell is that? exclaimed Candice Michelle.
Youre a blockhead, Charlie Haas, said Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
What did you say?!?! demanded Shelton Benjamin.
I said blockhead. BLOCK-head, replied Duggan.
Oh ok.
Dumbass.
Youve ruined Christmas, Charlie Haas, accused Melina.
How can I ruin Christmas? asked Charlie. I dont even know the true meaning of Christmas.
I can tell you the true meaning of Christmas, Charlie, said Shawn Michaels walking to center stage. Lights, please. And yea, the angel Gabriel appeared before them and said, On this day in the town of Bethlehem, is born unto you a savior. Follow the North Star and you will find the true King of Kings wrapped in swaddling clothing. No crying he makes. Thats because for his first birthday he received these cool new DX wristbands available exclusively on WWEShop.com. PLUG!! Shawn walked back over to Charlie. Thats what Christmas is all about, Charlie. Well, except for that stuff about the wristbands.
Charlie stared at Shawn and then looked at the tree. He slowly picked up the tree and walked out of the theatre. Curious, the entire gang followed him. Charlie walked back to his house and came upon his pet Hornswoggles doghouse. It was completely decorated with lights, tinsel, reflective surfaces, fake snow, flashing neon signs, and DX merchandise from WWEShop.com. Charlie placed the tree on the ground and took one Christmas decorative ball off the doghouse and put it on the top branch of the tree. The tree drooped over unable to hold up the weight of the Christmas ball.
Oh. I killed it, cried Charlie. Everything I touch dies. The Worlds Greatest Tag Team, the love triangle with Lillian Garcia and Viscera, and now THIS.
Charlie ran inside upset. The rest of the gang finally arrived and saw the tree.
Shawn bent down and said, I never thought it was such a bad little tree. He took off his official Triple H: King of Kings t-shirt only available at WWEShop.com PLUG!! and wrapped it around the bottom of the tree stabilizing it. The rest of the gang started removing decorations for Hornswoggles doghouse and used them to dress up Charlies tree.
Soon Charlie came back out and saw the tree. His eyes nearly popped out of his head. The gang shouted, MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE HAAS!
How did you do that? Charlie asked. It was a dinky little tree with three branches and you somehow turned it into a triangle with straight lines filled with more green pines than there was before. Do you guys have God-like powers where you can make stuff appear out of nowhere? This isnt even physically possible!!!
Charlie, Shawn said interrupting.
What?
Shut up and sing.
The gang broke into Hark the Herald Angels Sing while looking straight up so that only their mouths could be seen. Suddenly, a sound of a record scratching was heard and Jillian Hall ran into the center of the group.
If anyone is going to lead us in song, Jillian said, its going to be me. DASHING THROUGH THE SNOOOOOOOOOOW. IN A ONE HORSED OPEN SLEIIIIIIIIIIIIGH! OER THE FIELD WE G. . .
The End
It was a cold December afternoon. Winds howled as they passed through the cobblestone streets. Snowdrifts piled on the sides of the streets. It was Christmas Eve. Most of the people were rushing around buying last minute Christmas presents or trying to get home to see their families. But one solitary figure was walking slowly down the street with a smug sense of undeserved self-confidence. His slicked back black hair and upturned nose told everyone that he thought he was better than everyone. He was in his own mind.
The man walked to his building and up the steps of his accounting firm. He knocked the snow off of the sign hanging above the door. The name Marley etched into the wood next to his belonged to his late business partner. Together they were moneymaking machines. Squeezing the poor and pitiful for every single dollar they could get out of them. He entered the door while the sign gently rocked in the cold winds.
His assistant, Bob Cratchett, sat on his stool writing on the ledger he had toiled over for twenty-five long, thankless years. The closing of the outside door startled Cratchett and the cold wind blew out his the candle sitting on his ledger. The candle was not just the only source of light Cratchett had but also the only resource of heat he was allowed. Of course, if his boss could have stopped the candle from producing heat, he would have. Heat was for the hard working and Cratchetts sweat producing efforts, in spite of the minus temperature, went unnoticed and under-appreciated.
The man removed his coat and sat behind his desk. He started counting the money he had recently collected from an orphanage. That money was the only resource they had to buy a decent Christmas dinner for the thirty parentless children in their care. But he had taken it all claiming back taxes and missed payments. His heart was truly black and his mind was ruthless. Who cared if the orphans had no food? It was their fault for being poor in the first place. He was merely keeping them in the style of life they had become accustomed to. To spoil them on Christmas would be damaging to their fragile minds. They would begin to expect it on a regular basis and then they would be disappointed. He was doing them a favour. Never allow them to have hope or joy and they would never be disappointed.
Cratchett should have known better. But still he felt that he had earned it. He peaked his head into his boss office. Sir? Cratchett squeaked. May I have tomorrow off?
The boss manner changed from surly to immediate anger. What?
Well, sir, Cratchett said moving into the center of the doorway. Its Christmas tomorrow. I was wondering if I could spend it with my family.
The boss slowly stood up and walked around his desk towards his assistant. His cane pounded into the wooden floorboards with each and every step. Despite his lack of height, he struck fear into the hearts of everyone he met. Cratchett was no different. Soon the boss cane pushed Cratchett into the doorframe with a thud. He leaned in close to his assistant and breathed his hot breath into Cratchetts face.
You want-a Christmas off?
Yes, sir. Id be willing to come in the next day and work two shifts.
Let-a me tell you something. I was the greatest Intercontinental champion of all da times. I-a never took-a day off. I defended that title three hundred and seventy days a year because I, Santino Marella, is the greatest wrestler ever and . . .
CUT! yelled the director, Vince McMahon. The sound stage lights came on and those on the crew, who were standing still started moving. The cameraman reset his equipment, the boom microphone operator rested his arms, and the key grip took a break from gripping the keys.
Vince walked onto the set and put his arm around Santino and said, Santino, were trying to do a serious movie here. You cant be going on and on and on about your in ring accomplishments. Look, this was the fifty-second take youve ruined and its still the first scene in the film. I think were going to have to replace you.
What? screeched Santino in disbelief. There is no one who can replace the great . . .Santino Marella!
Well, we have someone in the wings ready to take over.
Who?
William Regal.
William Regal walked onto the set dressed in the same costume that Santino was wearing. Thank you, Mr. McMahon. It would be an honour to bring a sense of sophistication and elegance to this rather tainted cinematic endeavor.
Santino was fuming. You-a listen to me, Mr. Somamagun. I-a have had it up to about-a here with you. You-a are not-a as-a tough as-a you think-a you are. Santino will be watching you. Oh yes. Santino will be a-watchin. Santino immediate turned his back to William Regal and started stomping away. He pushed his way to the sound stage doors before stopping and turning back. He stuck up one finger and opened his mouth as if he was about to say something but then closed his mouth, turned back, and promptly crashed into a catering cart being pushed through the doors.
----------------------------------
Meanwhile, Charlie Haas and Shawn Michaels were standing at the back of the soundstage leaning on a fake red brick wall.
I dont get it, said Charlie. Christmas has become so commercial these days. I mean I like giving and getting presents but it just doesnt feel right anymore.
Well, Charlie, replied Michaels, Christmas means different things to different people. You have to figure out what it means to you. To some its a spiritual journey. To others its just another reason to shop at WWEShop.com where you can get all the latest DX and Shawn Michaels merchandise. PLUG!!
Yeah I guess, said Charlie. I dont know. Maybe I need to seek professional help.
Batista suddenly walks in and says Im Batista.
----------------------------------
Charlie was watching TV sitting in his usual spot 1 ½ feet from the screen. His roommate, Kelly Kelly, walks up behind him carrying and pencil and a piece of paper.
Hey roomie! said Kelly Kelly cheerfully.
Hey, Kelly.
I need your help.
Weve been over this, Kelly. Pants then shoes.
What? No. Not that. I need you to help me write a letter to Santa Claus, she said handing him the pencil and paper.
What do you need me for?
Ill say what I want you to write and you write what I say what I want you to write.
Why dont you write it yourself?
Because I want to make sure Santa can read it and you have really neat printing and my arms are so thin, I cant lift the pencil.
Um, Kelly. Didnt you carry the pencil over here?
What?
Nevermind. Ok, what do you want me to write?
Ok. Dear Santa. How have you been? How is your wife? I hope the reindeer are well. I have been really good this year especially to the boys backstage so I have a long list of presents I want . . .
Good grief.
. . . please note the size and colour of every item. If you cant bring me everything on the list, just send cash. I would prefer fives and tens.
Fives and tens? Dont you mean tens and twenties?
Ugh no. Stupid. Why would why want less money?
Argh! Charlie got up and left the house.
----------------------------------
Charlie walked through the snow on his driveway. He stopped at his mailbox.
Maybe someone sent me a Christmas card.
He reached inside the mailbox and felt around. Nothing. Sticking his face into the mailbox. Nothing. Just then, Candice Michelle walked by. Well, not so much walked as sashayed. She was listening to her iPod and pseudo-dancing down the sidewalk. She was only wearing tight pants, hooker boots, and a tank top. It was cold that was apparent if you looked at her.
Hey, Candice, Charlie said, Thanks for the Christmas card.
What? Candice asked pulling the ear buds out of her ears.
I said thanks for the Christmas card.
What?
Thank . . . you . . . for . . . the . . . Christ . . . mas . . . card.
But I never sent you a Christmas card.
Dont you know sarcasm when you hear it?
No. Whats sans chasm?
Good grief, said Charlie defeatedly.
He continued to walk down the street until he came upon a makeshift lemonade stand with the words Psychiatrist $0.05 on top with a stool next to it. Charlie sat down on the stool and waited. Out from the nearby house walked Melina. She plopped herself down behind the stand and flipped a sign saying, The Doctress is Real IN.
I have a problem, started Charlie.
Ahem, interrupted Melina, motioning towards the tin can sitting on the stand. Charlie reached into his pocket and pulled out a nickel. He dropped it into the tin can and the clanking sound resounded inside. Melina picked up the can and hugged it tightly. Oh I just love the sound of jingling coins. So clinky. So clanky. It reminds me of when I worked as a streetwalker picking up coins off the street for crack.
What?
What?
Anyway, continued Charlie, Im having a problem with Christmas. I know its supposed be a joyous time but I just dont feel it. I want to but for some reason I cant.
Maybe you have some underlying fear. Are you afraid of enclosed spaces? If so, you have claustrophobia. Are you afraid of people from other countries doing the STFU? If so, you have Cenaphobia. Are you afraid of giant hair dos? If so, you have Afrophobia. Are you afraid of colourful Internet columns? If so, you have Skittlophobia. Or maybe you have Panphobia. I bet you have Panphobia.
Whats that?
The fear of everything.
Thats it! exclaimed Charlie sending Melina into stationary backwards somersaults.
Charlie Haas, what you need is direction. I have an idea. Were putting on a Christmas play. Why dont you direct our Christmas play? Were going to have shepherds, sheep, a manger, and even a Christmas Queen.
Good grief.
----------------------------------
Charlie walked into theatre holding a clipboard and going over his thoughts and ideas in his mind. When he looked up, he saw everyone on the stage dancing. Dolph Ziggler was playing the piano while trying to get people to shake his hand. The Bella Twins had their hands up by their heads and bobbing left and right. Shelton Benjamin was looking to the left and lowering his head below his shoulders then turning right and lowering his head below his shoulders. CM Punk was looking straight up and running on the spot. Batista was switching back and forth between the Running Man and the Mixing Bowl. Shawn Michaels walked by Batista, stared at his dancing, then shrugged.
Ok everybody, said Charlie. Lets get started. Now I have some directing notes to go over. When I make a slashing motion across my throat, it means I want you to cut the scene short. When I make a circle with my arm, it means I want you move the scene along. If I point to my shoes, it means that Ive stubbed my toe.
Charlie was interrupted by the music starting again. Everyone went back to dancing.
Everyone stop! Melina, can you hand out the scripts, please.
No problem, Mr. Director, said Melina. She walked up to Michelle McCool. Michelle, youre going to play the Inn Keepers wife.
Michelle stared at the script. Does the Inn Keepers wife have naturally, curly, red hair?
Michelle, Melina answered, you dont have naturally, curly, red hair.
Oh ok. Nevermind then.
Melina walked up to Jeff Hardy. Pig Pen . . . er, Jeff Hardy. Youll be playing the Inn Keeper.
Jeff Hardy flipped his hair back, looked wide-eyed at Melina, and said, The world is crashing down around you. You will need to take shelter. I am the Omega. I am the Delta. I am the American Airlines. I am Jeff Hardy, the Executive of Extreme!
Ok well be sure to keep that inn clean. Ok. Im going over here now.
Charlie shouted, Ok everyone places!
Wait a minute! said Melina. I dont have a part yet. You do want me to be the Christmas Queen right? You think Im beautiful right? Charlie pauses. You didnt answer right away. What? Is it the eye make up? I cant help it ok? Its the only way Vince doesnt see the wrinkles. I know when Ive been insulted! I know when Ive been insulted!
Charlie hangs his head. Good grief. You know what we need? Some inspiration. I know. Ill go get a Christmas tree. Thatll help.
Batista mumbled in the back of the group. Yeah, thatll help.
----------------------------------
Charlie and Shawn walked onto the Christmas tree lot and took a look around. There were giant aluminum trees pre-decorated, trees with tinsel and lights already hung, and even Goldust standing in the corner dressed as a Christmas tree reading The Night Before Christmas in a very gay voice. Charlie searched and searched and finally he found it. His car key. It was in his coat pocket the whole time. Thats when he tripped.
Look at that. Charlie said.
Charlie, said Shawn, if you come back with that tree, theyll string you up by your nuts. Or worse, youll have to job to Kung Funaki.
I dont care. Im taking it. With that, Charlie picked up a small sickly looking tree and started carrying back to the theatre.
----------------------------------
Dolph Ziggler is playing piano and Melina is leaning on the other end. Dolph is playing Silent Night. Melina leans over and asks, Do you know Jingle Bells?
Dolph starts playing Jingle Bells with a nice piano sound.
No, no, no. You know. Jingle Bells with Deck the Halls and all that.
Dolph starts to play Jingle Bells with a church organ feel to the sound.
No, no, no. You know. Jingle Bells. Like Christmas time is here with snow and presents for little pretty girls.
Dolph starts to play single notes of Jingle Bells that is reminiscent of a toy piano or xylophone. Melina looks at Dolph and then rears back and punches him square in the face. Dolph rolls backwards and holds his face. Melina stands over top of him and says, Dont ever mock me again.
----------------------------------
Charlie and Shawn walk back in the theatre with the miserable excuse for a tree.
What the hell is that? exclaimed Candice Michelle.
Youre a blockhead, Charlie Haas, said Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
What did you say?!?! demanded Shelton Benjamin.
I said blockhead. BLOCK-head, replied Duggan.
Oh ok.
Dumbass.
Youve ruined Christmas, Charlie Haas, accused Melina.
How can I ruin Christmas? asked Charlie. I dont even know the true meaning of Christmas.
I can tell you the true meaning of Christmas, Charlie, said Shawn Michaels walking to center stage. Lights, please. And yea, the angel Gabriel appeared before them and said, On this day in the town of Bethlehem, is born unto you a savior. Follow the North Star and you will find the true King of Kings wrapped in swaddling clothing. No crying he makes. Thats because for his first birthday he received these cool new DX wristbands available exclusively on WWEShop.com. PLUG!! Shawn walked back over to Charlie. Thats what Christmas is all about, Charlie. Well, except for that stuff about the wristbands.
Charlie stared at Shawn and then looked at the tree. He slowly picked up the tree and walked out of the theatre. Curious, the entire gang followed him. Charlie walked back to his house and came upon his pet Hornswoggles doghouse. It was completely decorated with lights, tinsel, reflective surfaces, fake snow, flashing neon signs, and DX merchandise from WWEShop.com. Charlie placed the tree on the ground and took one Christmas decorative ball off the doghouse and put it on the top branch of the tree. The tree drooped over unable to hold up the weight of the Christmas ball.
Oh. I killed it, cried Charlie. Everything I touch dies. The Worlds Greatest Tag Team, the love triangle with Lillian Garcia and Viscera, and now THIS.
Charlie ran inside upset. The rest of the gang finally arrived and saw the tree.
Shawn bent down and said, I never thought it was such a bad little tree. He took off his official Triple H: King of Kings t-shirt only available at WWEShop.com PLUG!! and wrapped it around the bottom of the tree stabilizing it. The rest of the gang started removing decorations for Hornswoggles doghouse and used them to dress up Charlies tree.
Soon Charlie came back out and saw the tree. His eyes nearly popped out of his head. The gang shouted, MERRY CHRISTMAS, CHARLIE HAAS!
How did you do that? Charlie asked. It was a dinky little tree with three branches and you somehow turned it into a triangle with straight lines filled with more green pines than there was before. Do you guys have God-like powers where you can make stuff appear out of nowhere? This isnt even physically possible!!!
Charlie, Shawn said interrupting.
What?
Shut up and sing.
The gang broke into Hark the Herald Angels Sing while looking straight up so that only their mouths could be seen. Suddenly, a sound of a record scratching was heard and Jillian Hall ran into the center of the group.
If anyone is going to lead us in song, Jillian said, its going to be me. DASHING THROUGH THE SNOOOOOOOOOOW. IN A ONE HORSED OPEN SLEIIIIIIIIIIIIGH! OER THE FIELD WE G. . .
The End
