A break-up I'm trying to figure out - Any advice?

[Chicago1989]

Recently, I was in a relationship with a girl, who I work with. She's 25 and I'm 21. I told her about my feelings towards this girl and she accepted them. As time went on, I was trying understand her. Sure, we should've been friends first, but my heart told me to be with her right away, so I did.

I told her a few times that "I loved her" just to make her happy, but at the same time, I really meant it by saying that I loved being around her and that I care for her. She took it too seriously in my view, so she had a feeling of doubt because she thought that I really didn't love her. Love is something you show, not tell for the sake of it. It was my mistake but I still cared for her.

So I kept on showing her love and calling her everyday, missing her, and even crying for her to be honest because of joy and of how much I cared. She never showed me those kinds of emotions. The reason why she decided to break us up is because of these reasons - Because supposedly, I was trying too hard in the relationship.

Explain to me when is it "too much" when I care for someone? It makes no sense..

The second reason for the break-up is because she thinks that we didn't have chemistry.

It took me a while to truly understand what chemistry means but now I know. As long as I loved being around her, felt happy to be with her, and fortunate that I was with someone who I wanted to be with, isn't that chemistry on my part? She wasn't equal with me because she chose to doubt me instead of loving me. I also didn't want to tell everyone at work or on Facebook about our relationship, but it was only small hints that I gave out to only some people. She didn't approve of that too. Our true relationship lasted less than a month..

My question is, now that it seems that I've figured this all out, how would you guys feel if this happened to you? Am I wrong or right here?

 

[The Dragon Saga]

I've never had it happen to me personally, I've only been "dumped" by one girl so far in my life, and we weren't really going out, we were just doing eachother. But I can see what you're saying, and the synopsis I get it...

You were too clingy and needy. If you constantly rang her and told her that you loved her and how you missed her, then you must have rubbed her the wrong way. I mean it sounds at first that you just liked her, but when you went into detail about how much she mean't to you it came across like you were clingy. Some girls find it flattering but I've noticed that most don't.

If it happened to me, and I cared about her, I'd be in a bit of a mood for awhile, but I always tell myself the same thing each time a relationship ends. And to quote an Eminem song(Tacky, I know!), "Bitches, they come they go." There is a lot of clichés to say that there are others, plenty out there, and you're 21. I'm younger than you by like four years and I can tell you that you got more than enough time left. You want to marry her or something?

You're neither wrong nor right, things just don't always work out. Shit happens, you just gotta pick yourself back up and get your head straight. Don't think about it, don't try and put everything together in your head and wonder what you did wrong, just say "Fuck it" and move onwards.

 

[Chicago1989]

I've never had it happen to me personally, I've only been "dumped" by one girl so far in my life, and we weren't really going out, we were just doing eachother. But I can see what you're saying, and the synopsis I get it...

You were too clingy and needy. If you constantly rang her and told her that you loved her and how you missed her, then you must have rubbed her the wrong way. I mean it sounds at first that you just liked her, but when you went into detail about how much she mean't to you it came across like you were clingy. Some girls find it flattering but I've noticed that most don't.

If it happened to me, and I cared about her, I'd be in a bit of a mood for awhile, but I always tell myself the same thing each time a relationship ends. And to quote an Eminem song(Tacky, I know!), "Bitches, they come they go." There is a lot of clichés to say that there are others, plenty out there, and you're 21. I'm younger than you by like four years and I can tell you that you got more than enough time left. You want to marry her or something?

You're neither wrong nor right, things just don't always work out. Shit happens, you just gotta pick yourself back up and get your head straight. Don't think about it, don't try and put everything together in your head and wonder what you did wrong, just say "Fuck it" and move onwards.

I guess by "needy and clingy", you mean that I was too demanding and desperate? It took me a few years to find a girl, like my ex, that I felt that I could've had a future with. I could be wrong with what you mean, but still, shouldn't anyone appreciate how strong someone cares for them? It's like feeling unappreciated for showing great love, which makes no sense to me..

I'm trying to move from this but at the same time, I feel like I now have a reason to be upset instead of being down on myself. I just follow my heart and my instincts to guide me through these kinds of things..

 

[The Dragon Saga]

I guess by "needy and clingy", you mean that I was too demanding and desperate? It took me a few years to find a girl, like my ex, that I felt that I could've had a future with. I could be wrong with what you mean, but still, shouldn't anyone appreciate how strong someone cares for them? It's like feeling unappreciated for showing great love, which makes no sense to me..

I'm trying to move from this but at the same time, I feel like I now have a reason to be upset instead of being down on myself. I just follow my heart and my instincts to guide me through these kinds of things..

Yeah that's basically what I mean't and its understandable that when you were with her that you felt a lot of affection for her, but some people want to be loved and not "over-loved." Its becomes nausiating and stressful.

There is nothing wrong with being upset, but there is also no reason to focus on it all the time. It'll only make you feel worse, as I said, trying to piece everything back together, trying to see where things went wrong. That'll make you worse-and-worse, instead just move onwards, no matter how you do it, just get out and do what you did to find her.

 

[Chicago1989]

Yeah that's basically what I mean't and its understandable that when you were with her that you felt a lot of affection for her, but some people want to be loved and not "over-loved." Its becomes nausiating and stressful.

There is nothing wrong with being upset, but there is also no reason to focus on it all the time. It'll only make you feel worse, as I said, trying to piece everything back together, trying to see where things went wrong. That'll make you worse-and-worse, instead just move onwards, no matter how you do it, just get out and do what you did to find her.

I hear you...

I haven't contacted her for a few days now and I've figured it out, after going through an "emotional roller coaster". I know that I'll find someone better but I feel that sometimes, I get pulled back for not letting my ex know everything. Thanks for your reply though

 

[TheOneBigWill]

I only read the bolded parts. From that and my expert skills in relationship advice.. I've come to the following conclusion.. she was cheating on you, move on.

 

[Stuntz]

She probably wasnt cheating but from what i read you were to clingy. As you grow older you will realize that usually doesnt cut it with the more mature women. Just remember this, you have many more years of dating and meeting more and new girls. Have fun with it while your young, and eventually youll find one thats worth keeping around.

 

[Serious Mozzarella]

You weren't doing anything wrong, per-se. Your feelings just overwhelmed her. There's really not much you could have done about that except pretended to not have as strong feelings for her as you did, and that would have made you miserable.

That being said...

...INDEEEEED​

 

[Барбоса]

Perhaps you were trying too hard because there was no chemistry

 

[Jay Sherman]

You weren't doing anything wrong, per-se. Your feelings just overwhelmed her. There's really not much you could have done about that except pretended to not have as strong feelings for her as you did, and that would have made you miserable.

That being said...

...INDEEEEED​

A catch phrase at the end of your post? Give me a break. It stinks

 

[Mustang Sally]

As long as I loved being around her, felt happy to be with her, and fortunate that I was with someone who I wanted to be with, isn't that chemistry on my part?

Yes, it was chemistry on your part, which omits any consideration of her feelings. Chemistry usually involves two people and all you're talking about is how you felt. Remember, you told her you loved her "just to make her happy," which suggests you didn't truly love her but were saying you did.....and she must have picked up on the contradiction between your words and feelings.

It's like feeling unappreciated for showing great love, which makes no sense to me.

You seem like a nice guy, but don't presume someone will love you just because you're "showing" them love. If you continue to be troubled by this, you might try asking her the true reason she dumped you.

 

[lenguy]

I stopped trying to figure out women and their motives a long time ago. Just when you think you figured it out, turns out you actually figured nothing out. Its like a broken cycle of constant disappointment. What I want to know is how long were you two dating, was this something she ended prematurely or was it something she pieced together over time?

It is possible she told you all those things to cover up her real motives. I know first hand that women will tell you the least hurtful thing they can just to spare you the immense heartbreak. Well, for all I know she could be telling the truth. I think both you and her were at different destinations in the relationship. From the sounds of it you were just further ahead of her and its possible that she had no idea what she was rushing into. Its obvious you had real feelings for this women but it also sounds like she wasn't at the same level as you.

Its fine if you have feelings for her but you need to pace yourself. Telling or showing a girl you love her too much, even too early could put her off and place her an uncomfortable position. Its obvious what you wanted out of the relationship, but what did she want? Was she looking for a serious commitment? Or a fling just to pass some time. Ether way I'm sure you'll recover and bounce back from this in no time. You'll find somebody else, somebody who shares the same feelings as you. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back up on that horse(how cliche right?). Somethings just aren't meant to be, sometimes you have to accept that reality and not dwell on what could of been, live for today and not yesterday..we'll, that's my advice for you but ultimately you can choose to do whatever you want with the situation. Do what feels right.

 

[Coco]

I tried too hard once. Went well. Footage forthcoming.

 

[SalvIsWin]

My question is, now that it seems that I've figured this all out, how would you guys feel if this happened to you? Am I wrong or right here?

Feel like shit? Really, I don't think you gave enough information for any of us to be able to say with any accuracy why she broke up with you. It's possible that you were too clingy, or it's possible that she just wasn't ready for a relationship. There's a difference between calling every couple days to say hi, and calling all the time. Personally, my GF & I talk usually every day or two for a bit, but for some people that's way too much. People need their own levels of space and relationships in the beginning are fickle, what works for one person may not work for another.

Anyway, I wouldn't dwell too much on why she broke up you to be honest. If you were being fake with her at any points, which is sort of sounds like with your 'I love you's, then I would cut that out and just be yourself. If you just be yourself and you get dumped, then it wasn't meant to be clearly, because you two are not compatible, there are no what-if's. What's bad is if you try really hard to be something you're not because that's what you thinks someone wants, and then they break up with you, and then you don't know what would have been had you just acted normally.

 

[Chicago1989]

I stopped trying to figure out women and their motives a long time ago. Just when you think you figured it out, turns out you actually figured nothing out. Its like a broken cycle of constant disappointment. What I want to know is how long were you two dating, was this something she ended prematurely or was it something she pieced together over time?

It is possible she told you all those things to cover up her real motives. I know first hand that women will tell you the least hurtful thing they can just to spare you the immense heartbreak. Well, for all I know she could be telling the truth. I think both you and her were at different destinations in the relationship. From the sounds of it you were just further ahead of her and its possible that she had no idea what she was rushing into. Its obvious you had real feelings for this women but it also sounds like she wasn't at the same level as you.

Its fine if you have feelings for her but you need to pace yourself. Telling or showing a girl you love her too much, even too early could put her off and place her an uncomfortable position. Its obvious what you wanted out of the relationship, but what did she want? Was she looking for a serious commitment? Or a fling just to pass some time. Ether way I'm sure you'll recover and bounce back from this in no time. You'll find somebody else, somebody who shares the same feelings as you. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back up on that horse(how cliche right?). Somethings just aren't meant to be, sometimes you have to accept that reality and not dwell on what could of been, live for today and not yesterday..we'll, that's my advice for you but ultimately you can choose to do whatever you want with the situation. Do what feels right.

That was some awesome advice you gave me. Thanks a lot for it. I would rep you but it's telling me to spread some rep before I give you some..

But I listened to you and appreciate it. By the way, me and my ex went out for at least 3 weeks as a couple, but we've been around each other for about a year..

 

[Derf]

If you've only been dating for three weeks and you talk to her as much as you said you did, and told her you loved her as much, Clingy is an understatment. You can't tell a girl you love her after a few weeks, it's gotta be build over time. Maybe when you said it so soon, she felt you didn't mean it, and you'd say it to anyone you dated.

I think you ought to move on, and next time, take it slower with her. Slow and steady wins the race.