VOICE-OVER: Coming to you live from the lap of luxury inside the mansion that sits atop the Gates between Beauty & the Hideous underworld, we welcome you to the best, most unbiased news programming on air today; it's "Good Afternoon Cerberus!"
After the logo of "Good Afternoon Cerberus" flashes across the screen, we transition to the master bedroom of Ramparte's mansion where both Ramparte & Flex Mussel are comfortably inside the sheets of a King Quadruple bed complete with the finest silk. Both men are sitting upright at each ends of the bed with a big smile on their face.
Mussel: Welcome everyone to Good Afternoon Cerberus. I'm Flex Mussel...
Ramparte: ... and I'm Ramparte, and we are the W...
Mussel: ... Z
Ramparte: C
Mussel: W
Ramparte: Tag
Mussel: Team
Ramparte: Champions!
The champions both pull out their belts from other the covers and showcase them towards the camera simulatenously in the exact same pose for roughly 5 seconds. They turn to each other and complete a hi-five before turning back to the camera, looking very professional.
Mussel: Now, you're probably thinking - "why is the greatest team in WZCW history doing in bed at an hour like this?" or "Why wouldn't they host this segment in the morning?"
Ramparte: Well thanks to a survey study we compiled, most of our viewers are lazy and jobless. So we thought, what do most lazy and jobless people do with their pathetic and unnecessary lives?
Mussel: They sleep in!
Ramparte: Precisely! These boring wretches wake up at an absurd time such as this, ready to take on the remaining minutes of sunlight with what little energy they've accrued.
Mussel: So for all the unmotivated...
Ramparte: ... and uneducated...
Mussel: ... souls out there, fear not! We have the perfect routine for you to become as successful and amazing as people the likes of Cerberus! With a quick fix of my Flex Fitness program, which you can purchase for the low, low price of $9.99...
Flex pulls out many DVD's of his work-out training as well as a multitude of gym equipment from under the cover that overflows everywhere almost distracting them, however pretending nothing has happened and keeps his smile as best as possible.
Ramparte: ... as well as quick submersion into a good book...
Ramparte, with a gentlemanly and inquisitive look, puts on a monocle, pulls out a pipe and opens a book upside down which he does not read.
Mussel: ... you too can be physically and mentally prepared to take on every second until you hit the hay. But, there is one slight problem that most people out there fail at achieving when waking up first thing.
Ramparte: How to make yourself look respectable in appearance.
Mussel rips open the sheets, tossing out everything in one fell swoop as if none of the props were there in the first place, including the bed! Ramparte & Flex are now standing in the middle of the room with the casual clothes you can find, both with perplexed looks as they focus on the piles of clothes on the floor.
Mussel: All hope is not lost though as this afternoon, in an exclusive report, the Third Head of Cerberus and professional model Eve Taylor will be demonstrating how to turn a simpleton into a high-class scholar with her fabulous fashion tips.
We have a very cheesy transition screen to where Eve Taylor is in a half bathroom/half walk-in wardrobe with M who is nothing but his boxer shorts looking around very confused. Taylor smiles as she holds a microphone, looking directly at the camera.
M: Where did I move my mufti? Did I misplace it again?
Taylor: Thank you Ramparte & Flex. I'm here with what clearly resembles the look of most our audience. It's going to be an uphill battle but when it comes to fashion, there is nobody better in this business than the Fabulous One.
Eve winks and smiles for the camera, something which M is still yet to find.
Taylor: First, I'll show you how to dress properly and own the outfit you put onto your body. Remember - you don't wear the clothes, the clothes wear you!
M: Marvellous. It's in the minus degrees in this mansion!
She goes through the rack, picking out a cosplayers outfit which M clearly jumps up and down for, with a big smile on his face.
Taylor: This is the type of horrific sense of style you want to avoid. You don't want to copy another persons' look, especially ones from a fictional word which nobody who understands fashion would ever pick the reference from in a million years! Please, avoid becoming like Theron Daggershield and don't rip off from another non-existent realm. Live in the present and become your own person!
Eve throws away the outfit and brings out a very fashionable yet tight & uncomfortable semi-formal suit for M to wear, who is hunched over in a contorted position.
M: Mouth... needs... oxygen...
Taylor: You look the part, now you need to smell the part! Many high-end snobs love to lift their nose into the air, acquiring all that wafts in their nearby vicinity so you need to wow them with your amazing appetite for perfume! For some people like M, you might smell as old and moldy like Mister Alhazred does who has a combination of unknown organisms scattered across his disgusting skin. Depending on how many days you have yet to shower is how many times you spray this magic liquid across your body and even you can remove "All the Hazards."
Taylor pulls out a big bottle of cologne which M is able to read.
M: Eau du toilette? That's toilet water! Why would I require a musk made from the lavatory?
Eve sprays it in his face, almost choking him to death. She uses her hand to blow the smell to her and she enjoys it, smiling back at the camera.
Taylor: Perfetto! You look the part and you smell the part. What's next? Talking the talk!
M: Oh my...
Eve wheels out a large chalkboard of instructions on it, looking like the world's most hardest mathematical equation.
Taylor: Etiquette is a very important thing.
M: Manners, too.
Taylor: Indeed! Thank you, Mr. M.
M: You're welcome! M'lady.
M tips his fedora with a smile. Taylor curtseys.
Taylor: See, even M is starting to understand that there is more to becoming a respectable person in society than just dressing the part much like elegANT, a poor man's Ramparte, tries to achieve. Conversations must be held in a formal and respectable manner so there is no need to add a new spin or gimmick to already successful words. Never force that synchronize with your name.
The camera pans to M for a few seconds who looks very awkward as Eve gives her final piece of advice before the segment carries on.
Taylor: And finally, much like every model such as myself who has trained their entire lives to perfect... walking the walk. There is no use for any of these items if you cannot be able to use them in high society. Take Aubrey Sloan for example. She can hold down a proper conversation when she needs to and there is no shortage of appearance; she is a very exquisitely-looking woman... but when it comes time to become the part, she decides she is better off chasing squirrels and living alone in a corner.
M: I like squirrels and corners...
Taylor: Quiet down, darling. All this training that I've essentially given to you for free, including a friendship that would've lasted forever, becomes useless if you cannot act the part...
Taylor takes a brief moment to collect her thoughts.
Taylor: Put all four of these together and you'll be able to bust out the door and seize the day!
Eve puts a thumbs up with M joining in on the fun.
Taylor: This has been Eve Taylor with the Fashion Report. Back to you in the studio.
M: We're in a studio? I really need to make a journal to track my movements.
We go back to Flex Mussel & Ramparte who are both dressed in high-fashion and sitting at their couch, both with smiles on their faces.
Mussel: Thank you Eve for that amazing report. Unfortunately, that's all the time we have here for Good Afternoon Cerberus. We'll see you next time for the twilight session. And don't forget...
Cerberus: HAIL CERBERUS!
