What are your own personal values?

[LSN80]

When I ask this, I'm referring to one's sense of morality. In life, we all have codes that we live by, or at least we should. Lines we should draw and never cross, regardless of circumstance. Yes, there is and should be some flexibility with regards to some areas of life, as life is extremely situational. But in asking this, Im referring to those lines in the sand, the ones you don't cross, regardless of circumstance.

After all, those are the things that define us as human beings. While the origin of the quote is disputed, some attribute the following to Alexander Hamilton, the first Secretary of the Treasury. We can get into the fact that he wasn't all that great a human being some other time, but anyways, it is most often attributed to him first having said:

"Those who stand for nothing fall for anything."

I know personally, there are several things I stand for, lines in the sand that I draw. Some of it came from an admittedly religious upbringing, but others have come from life experience. Others have come from making mistakes, and learning from them. When I break it down, there are a few things I have absolutely no give on:

1. I won't cheat on my wife: It's easy to say, sure, as I've been blessed with a wonderful wife whom I celebrated five years with yesterday. But looking back, I did cheat on more girlfriends that not. If the time came(and it won't)that I ever became interested in someone else, I would divorce my wife first before I'd even consider getting involved with someone else.

2. I won't do drugs: Personally, I've always considered even marijuana to be taboo for myself. The hardest thing I've ever taken are painkillers, and those were just for injuries and after surgeries. Besides that, nothing. I don't look down or judge those who do, to each their own. It's just not for me. My partner at work, a great psychologist, smokes weed every day. Doesn't bother me in the slightest, but when she extols its virtues and tries to convince me to try it 'just once after work', I decline.

3. I won't drink and drive: Yes, I know this one is a cliche, but I guess I take it one step further. I won't drive if I've had anything to drink at all. It's not that I don't have a high tolerance, I found out in my early to mid-twenties that I do. But it took me getting pulled over swerving all over the road when I was 24, and blowing a .078 for me to learn this lesson. Why take the chance? One more drink, or had I not waited that extra hour, could have made the difference between driving with alcohol in my system, and a DUI.

Worse, I risked people's lives by driving that recklessly with that alcohol in my system and being quite tired. So now, even if I've just had a glass of wine, I take a cab home, even if it means leaving my car there. Fortunately, this isn't much an issue as I rarely drink these days anyway.

4. I won't cheat financially:As I stated earlier, I'm partners in a mental health agency with another psychologist. Instead of paying someone to do our billing for us, we keep our own books, notes, and submit everything to insurance ourselves. There was a bad experience prior where the girl who did our books overbilled, pocketed the extra, and we were audited. As much as I would love to 'round up', and make say, a 23 minute evaluation 30, I bill it as 15. In reality, I've worked closer to 30 then I have to 15, but the legalities of our type of mental health practice say that it's a 15 minute session, so that's how I bill it. I don't find it fair, necessarily, and nobody would be the wiser. Except for me, of course.

I don't necessarily do these things out of a sense of altruism, in fact, more often then not, I do them as a means of self-preservation. I don't wish to lose my wife, so I don't cheat. Yes, morals are in play as well, but she's made it clear from day 1 that were I to ever cheat, she'ld be gone. I'm also sure smoking marijuana and doing other drugs would be fun. But I've seen my share of addiction, even to marijuana, in the work that I do. I've had clients who literally cant stay calm unless they smoke. I don't want to live a life reliant on something to get me through the day, where not having it would make me anxious, ill, or worse.

As for drinking and driving, perhaps I do take it to the extreme. I know one or two drinks won't put me over the limit. But I flash back to that night, and I wasn't over the limit there, either. With the way I was driving, I could have hurt or killed someone, and was close to a DUI, which would have ended my career just as it was getting started. Why take the risk?

Finally, billing practices. I worked hard to get to a place where I do well for myself, and I'm not going to screw that up over paying myself for an extra 15 minutes when the law says I can't. Does the law suck? Yeah. Would I get caught if I did? Not likely. But I'm sure my former secretary felt the same way, and she's now in jail. And I wouldn't just be risking jail, I'd be risking my career as well. Even if I wasn't doing well for myself, it wouldn't be worth the risk.

As for flexible morals, I have them regarding swearing and lying. I try not to swear at all, but I hardly beat myself up if I do. As for lying, I always tell my wife if I'm out without her who I'm with, where we went, and what we did. And she does the same for me. But with clients, I can recall a few times I've made up stories in an attempt to show them I understand what they're going through, that I can relate. It's something I at times feel guilty for, but if the end justifies the means, and if I'm able to gain my client's trust and better help them, I'd do it with every single one. Even if the trust is built on a lie. If I can help, and they make real progress, I don't mind myself being slightly fake with them.

So those are some of my uncompromising morals, and some of my flexible ones. It's funny, because sometimes, the morals I break I do with better intentions and more altruism then I do with the ones I keep.

``What are some morals you have for yourself that you refuse to break under any circumstances? Why do you have said 'uncompromising morals'?

What's a flexible moral that you have? Under what circumstance(s) would you break it?

I look forward to your feedback and welcome any other discussion regarding the subject manner. Feel free to be as specific or as vague as you feel comfortable with.

 

[Mac Attack]

The morals I absolutely will refuse to break in my life are as following:

I absolutely refuse to steal anything. I'm under the impression that for you to actually get something you must EARN it and therefore stealing totally undermines this principle. I am extremely angry when people steal things, and I'm even annoyed when people are giving out something singular for free and people fly like buzzards around it taking multiple times the free singular item. I guess one exact example of this is my grandmother at Costco. She likes turning free sames into "lunch" and will go up and down isles "shopping" but every time she crosses the free samples she takes one and will continue to take them as long as she is passing it.

In addition drinking and driving I will never do. My father was an alcoholic as I've mentioned in the past and I can't stand the concept. It's dangerous and risks other's lives. LSN summarized it really well and there's not more to say about this.

I very odd one for me is that I must cross the street appropriately. I cannot jaywalk. I cannot walk outside the cross walks, and I can't cross until signs clearly say to cross. I have no idea why I do this but it's something I've done since I'm little and still do. People typically hate walking with me because of this attribute because if they screw up I call them out on it.

One thing I will break however is I have no problem saying the absolute truth when I've been taught to not say things that offend people. For example if someone asks me a question I'll straight up say something like I hate it... Or that dress makes you look fat. Now I guess the way it breaks morals is I would never straight up say that to someone but if they inquire I will be absolutely honest usually to my detriment.

 

[Tastycles]

It's a good question, and one that I've never really thought about. I don't have a wife or a driving licence and I have stolen, taken drugs and cross the road like a bell end. So no inspiration from the above.

Apart from the obvious - 'I don't rape people' - I think I have one of interest:

I generally try not to be a dick to low paid people - e.g. I will put my tray away in McDonald's and I don't leave shit about in shops for the people who aren't getting paid to deal work with. I also make a point of making people I'm with do the same thing. I also don't litter for similar reasons.

 

[Mustang Sally]

What are some morals you have for yourself that you refuse to break under any circumstances?

I feel strongly about keeping confidences entrusted to me. I work in the newspaper industry and we've all had this drilled into us, not just reporters. But even outside the job, keeping my mouth shut has become vital; when someone is trusting you with information they truly don't want anyone else to know, it's a responsibility and obligation that's so vital as to be unbreakable.

I've frustrated a lot of people, in person and on Internet forums, who've assured me that: "You can tell me." First of all, what you're doing when you reveal a confidence is ceding control from you to someone else....now, you're at their mercy to keep your secret. You can control your own actions, but not someone else's.....and now you have to forever worry that the person you told will open their mouths, which is something you can't control.

Plus, if you break confidence and the person who trusted you finds out, they won't tell you anything else which, depending on the situation, could be disastrous.

In the end, though, the most important factor is that someone has put their faith in you to keep their secret....and to me, that creates a bond that must not be broken by betraying it. Sometimes it's damn hard when you possess a piece of information that can help you in another aspect of your life by using it.

But keeping confidential information to yourself yields some great results once people realize you're a person who can be trusted. It improves one's own sense of self-worth, too.

I won't cheat on my wife

I'm with you there, Lucic. You can count on me to not cheat on your wife, either.

 

[Mighty NorCal]

Ive spent a long time trying to figure out a way to consolidate this in a way that doesnt sound preachy. Better yet, all of this can be validated by plenty of people who have spent a lot of time with me IRL. To the point were it has removed me from certain social situations, or made planning things harder when im a part of them.

Basically, I live by "The Code". Honor is foremost, with responsibility and solidarity behind them.

1. Dishonesty or betrayal of any kind- Integrity - No lying, no cheating(both in way of sport, and in the relationship way), no sneaking, no half truths, no nothing. Ever. No matter what, no matter the consequences. A lot of people doubt this, because they say its not possible....but to me, the concept is very simple.

Why do people lie? They fear the consequences of the truth. To some degree, this is the reason, 99% of the time. I, on the other hand, simply do not care. My integrity means TEN times more to me than any sort of consequence ever could. On the other hand, I am brutally honest with people. A lot of folks dont agree with that way of doing things, and it their perogitive to do so......Because of this though, people have learned if they dont want the truth, then dont come to me. I also know no shame. Anything I do, I am fine to talk about, or have out in the open. Always remember, your actions are never far from you. The day may come when you need to carry them....ensure the weight is not to heavy for you bear.

I also always try to give everyone a fair shake. No matter my personal feelings about them, I try my absolute best to treat everyone the same.


2.I dont get down with porn, strip clubs, or any sort of objectifying women....This includes Hooters, things of that nature. "OH!! But NorCal!! You have had sex with so many girls!!".....Yes. Girls who liked me, and I liked them, with there being some implication that a regular dating relationship could develop. They were people, and belive it or not, I remember every single one of their names, their stories, what they cared about. It was not a situation were they were simply reduced to objects of indulgence. It feels in a way those sorts of places make people sub-human, which is something I am not comfortable with at all, being the places ive been in the world. Those sorts of places just make me very sad. Someone either loves those girls/people, or someone really should.

3. I dont drink, I do no drugs of any sort......I feel the need to have my wits and senses about me at all times, and be sharp. Plus, I just simply do not like it.

4. Safeguard the weak, lend a helping hand - I am not someone who helps those who can help themselves, and refuse to....but I am also someone who stands up for what is right and fair, no matter what. If someone or someoneS are being overrun in an unfair way or being taken advantage of, ill be the first to slap down a bullshit flag. Also, if you have paid any attention to the thrad which bears my name, or ask those who hang with me, im extremely charitable / a huge partaker in humanitarian projects and exploits. if someone has to ask for money, they are doing worse than I am, in one way or another.

5. Its hard to pinpoint something vague like being honorable. If I dont get charged for food at a resturant, I will, at times forcibly, make them charge me for it / give back the unpaid for items. I once drove back 10 minutes to a KFC who gave me biscuits I didnt pay for, and almost fucked around and missed the beginning of RAW. Chipotle forgot to ring me up for double meat on my burrito, and the lady at the register damn near stopped the line because she was so stunned that I told her I needed to be charged for that.....These sexual exploits im so infamous for? Shit, thats about HALF of what I COULD have gotten into....However, for those ones I didnt, they were always situations were I simply knew I would probably never talk to them again / didnt like them to the point were I thought I coud date them, so I didnt feel good about doing that with them. Even girls I WAS dating, once I realized it woud not develop long term, I cut them off right there....EVen when i could have gotten how ever many fucks out of them in the meantime, for I felt like that was taking advantage of how they felt about ME. There were many times a very attractive girl at my friends parties would basically sexually assault me, but I would never go all the way, because she had always been drinking(quite a bit) before she could come up to me....I just simply didnt feel like that was ok to do.


The biggest thing with all of this, is its steady nature. It is ALWAYS no matter WHAT, no matter ANYTHING. I dont break the code for anything, ever, no matter the consequences. I think all of my friends, especially a few NJX ones, for putting up with my soidarity on the code, as it has caused them to work around me many times.

It seems like a lot, and...uh, unique to say the least. One of my favorite quotes is

"I do not ask to carry a lighter load....Only for broader shoulders"

 

[Dragonslayer]

I actually agree with a lot of what NorCal said here; a lot of those principles are mine too.

I think in my case, also "integrity" is first and foremost. I basically cannot lie or cheat, or the like. The funny thing is, I don't even have to consciously force myself to act in ways that preserve my integrity; I actually feel physically uncomfortable if I were to do something that would compromise my integrity. So it's not even a question of choice. It's just not possible.

And those times in the past that I did do it - I'm not perfect, after all, but I too was young(er) and dumb(er) at some point in time - those still haunt me to this day, even if the things themselves were miniscule issues.

I like the notion of people lying because they are afraid of the truth. It is very true, and I've seen it only recently in my own life... and I can only say: if you maintain your integrity through all things, there is no reason to be afraid of the truth. And even if you did not, the truth is still the truth and cannot be altered. You can try to hide it, or ignore it - in the end, what is real is real, and has to be faced, with any consequences it might incur. There's nothing wrong with that, only that sometimes, the truth will be harder to bear than other times. But even if it's a harsh truth at time - all you have to do is be strong enough to face it. That's the challenge, but a challenge that's worth answering to.

On the rest of the things, I am not as rigid as NorCal though... I personally don't have a problem with a lot of things like drinking - I do have a drink now or then (though nowadays considerably less than a few years ago), even though my dad also had some alcohol-related issues a few years back, so I'm not exactly a huge fan of alcohol... but also not totally abstinent. I don't do any other drugs, though, and don't even smoke (my parents are both heavy smokers).

As for the sex-related point... I also follow principles similar to the ones NorCal has mentioned. I've never cheated on anybody (then again, I've only had two "real" long-term relationships, everything else was basically just extended casual dating), I always play with open cards, i.e. I tell women up front whether I'm currently looking for a serious relationship or not, as I believe grown women will be able to decide for themselves whether that is something they can get into or not.

I do however not have a general problem with pornography - I do of course have a problem with women (or men) being forced into this kind of business, or into prostitution; that's of course not even up for discussion. But if people are willing to do this, and they can make a living from that (which maybe otherwise they couldn't, for whatever reasons), then who am I to judge them?

Sure, there are more "morally upright" ways to design your life, but not everyone has the same chances and options... or the same outlook on life in the first place; so I can live with those things if they are done willingly (and I am full aware that this sounds contradictory, but I don't mean to get into greater detail than that now).

And lastly, I also believe that things or goals have to be "earned", in order for people to understand their worth. It's not about money alone, but money is of course the prime example. I always like to say: "Money has never made a person better than they were in the first place, but good persons have managed to stay good in spite of money."

I have a few friends who come from rather wealthy families, and while I highly respect their families for earning those fortunes, which they did by hard work over many, many years, I often see a problem with their children being the clichéd "spoiled brats", who got everything handed to them with the silver spoon, and cannot for the life of them realize the actual worth behind things. It's sad and disappointing... and it has led me to believe even stronger in the fact that whatever boon in life you get or you strive for: if you earn it the old fashioned way, the hard way - that's the only way you will truly appreciate it. Gifts are nice, and sure can help you make your life easier and better - but the greatest gift will never feel as fulfilling as the smallest success you've worked for hard, and earned in the end.

All in all, I guess it all boils down to my own personal integrity. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror every morning without a feeling of guilt of any kind of my mind, without the notion of having "done anything wrong" the day before. There are already a few stains on that image of course, for mistakes in the past; but I try my best not to make any more. And I'd like to believe I'm doing a decent job at that just now; hopefully I'm right.

 

[lenguy]

Look, we aren't all perfect. Nobody is, and nobody ever will be. It's kind of the driving point behind evolution. To root out any imperfections so we may be able to continue living and adapt in an imperfect world. We do the best we can to get by and you know what? It's work out pretty damn well for us so far.

I could sit here and get into all my morals, principles and ethics. Talk about integrity and how I live by a certain code, but hell, I'm no saint and I won't pretend like one. I try and live my life the way I feel is best for me, not anybody else. I try to be a good person and make the right decisions based on the so called rules in which I govern my life by. Despite how diligent and level headed I task a certain situation; In somebody's eyes, its a fault and a personal abstraction. I know I could never hope to please everybody, so I just don't bother.

However, one thing I do hold high above the mantel is respect. I know its a bit of a cliche and I'm sure you've all heard it many times before but respect is not given, its earned. If you come up to me and aren't willing to show me an ounce of respect, I won't give you any in return. It's as plain as day. I don't have to know you, but I will show you respect and deal with you as an adult in a civil and responsible manner so long as you show me the same treatment. If you choose not to, then I can be a very difficult and unkind person to deal with.

If there is anything else of worth that I hold as value, it's this. All life is precious. Down to the smallest microbe to the largest animals and trees. Down to the planet Earth itself. People take life for granted. Many treat life as a disposable commodity, tossed around and used without consequence. It really takes a good step back to look around, not just at our earth but above and towards the stars. Life is common here and normal because it is all around us. Life just doesn't seem that special here. But who are we to say life is the law of the universe? We don't know and it might be a very long time before we do know.

We are literally everything that we know of in this universe that is alive with certainty. Essentially, and quite delicately, we live in our own little bubble, completely ignorant to the universe around us. We are a product of the universe just as much as the Ant on the lawn or the blade of grass you pick up off the very same lawn. We truly are special and I don't mean that in a superficial way by any stretch. We are lucky to be here, now, right now in this very moment. People I think don't quite comprehend this because they don't really stop to think about it. I mean really sit and contemplate, even mediate on it. Its enlightenment and spiritual illumination that opens your very soul. Its the kind of thinking monks, gurus and other spiritual priests cogitate over in their tireless years of mediation in hopes of enlightenment. Once you truly understand this, in full fashion. You can sit back and genuinely appreciate life with fluidity and transparently.

Life isn't just about you, its not about me, its not even just about the human race. Its about everything around us, not matter how tiny or insignificant we might think. One is all, and all is one. We own our entire existence to our planet and the sun and a bunch of other factors. I just wish others would appreciate it a bit more. I value life, in all forms. You can bring your morals and principles in all this but chances are they only might relate to other humans and their affections and interests and personal agenda. I choose to see the bigger picture and see that we humans are only just a chapter in an ever growing encyclopedia. I personally, hold this belief very close to me and I think everybody should.