The Kiss of Death

[Milkyway!]

I've always been fascinated with death in all honesty. It's nothing barbaric in the sense that it gives me a thrill, or anything in that manner. You see, when I was 4 years old a great woman in my life died, my grandmother.

I remember very little about my Grandmother mere memories of her cooking, taking us to pick berries for her to put in a pie, trick or treating, and her insane fascination with birds remain evident in my head. However I recall the day she died. My parents pulled into my other grandmother's driveway, and for the first time in my life I saw my father cry.

I knew from that very moment, even at the age of 4, my Grandmother who had battled cancer for 28 years was dead.

However that's not what this thread is about. This thread is about the impact of death around those of the loved one dying.

You see, I didn't only lose my grandmother that day. I lost 1 other person that day as well. I lose my mother. Up until the passing of my Grandmother I remember my mom to be a very loving woman. She worked hard, and I was always showered in love and kisses. However upon the passing of my Grandmother, my mother became bitter; and for the past 12 years I've seen my mother battle depression off and on nonstop. It got to the point that I once told a very dear friend of mine during one of the most intimate conversations I've ever had with someone, that in some sick sense, I wanted my Mother died. I want to understand why my mother has went through the pain and suffering that she has went through throughout the past 12 years. I want to understand that grief and anguish. I want to feel that pain.

A friend of mine lost his mother about 4 years ago. I was having the same conversation with him, telling him I want to understand that pain. He put it to me in these words "You have good days, and you have bad days. The grief often strikes you so suddenly you barely realize it." We then dropped the subject, as I could tell it was making him very emotional; and that wasn't my goal.

2 years ago on the Fourth of July I lost my Grandfather. I had never heard the man speak in my life, as at age 3 he had his voice box removed due to throat cancer. He would always pick at us children, and I distinctly remember his wheezing laugh. I saw my Grandfather in very very bad states throughout life. They easily gave him 2-3 months to live a dozen times during the 16 years I remember his struggle to live. It didn't hit me quite as hard as expected. I felt a man that had suffered for as long as he had fight was finally over.

The sorrow it brings my Dad is outstanding. I saw him cry several times, obviously; and I saw him kiss his father on the cheek one last time. My Dad is a very emotionally suppressed man, he never shows any emotions towards anyone nor anything; but throughout the week of his Father's death I saw my Father lose control of his emotions, several times.

Life is beautiful, but Death causes people to become more vulnerable than they can possibly imagine. It's why I've chosen to go to college to be a Hospice Nurse.

Have you ever felt the kiss of death?
Have you seen the impact it causes on the people around you?
What were the emotions you felt, and feel to this very day?

 

[LSN80]

This is a great thread. If I could rep you twice for it, I would.

Have you ever felt the kiss of death?

I have, very much so. All 4 of my grandparents passed away in my lifetime, as did two great-grandmothers. One of my best friends fell dead literally in front of me at the age of 19, a heart attack brought on from a sudden re-occurence of Leukemia. Hell, Ive even buried 2 dogs, which is quite emotional as well.

Have you seen the impact it causes on the people around you?

The impact it had on those around me has been overwhelming. Before my dad's father passed away when I was 8, he was a strict, no-nonsense type of guy. Following my grandfather's death, my dad completely changed. He began to value the people around him, and he spoke the words "I love you" to me, my sisters, and my mother for the first time in my recollection. My dad became my biggest supporter and greatest encouragement all in one.e impact it had on him was profound, and it's been a blessing to me through this day.

The impact from my mother's father dying was the opposite. My grandmother, who hosted wonderful holidays, lived two houses down from me and was someone I could go to at all times, and was the most gracious woman alive, changed. She became reclusive and refused to eat with our family on Sunday's any longer. She had become ill, and she refused to go to the doctor. One day her entire arm went into paralysis, and she called my mom. My mom insisted she go to the hospital, and after 6 months of avoiding doctors, she agreed. In that six months time, my grandmother had developed Stage 4 Breat Cancer, metasticized. She refused to fight, and just laid in her bed at the hospital, begging to die. She just missed my grandfather so darn much that she wanted to "be with him again", and if it meant not getting her health issues diagnosed, so be it. She died in pain at my parents home three months after being diagnosed, with my mother with her as she passed.

The impact it had on my mother following her death was also quite palpable. My mother became a much colder, bitter woman. She blamed herself for not forcing my grandmother to get properly diagnosed. She spent close to a year like this, and she was very difficult to be around. It was hard to know what was appropriate to say, and what wasn't, because even the most innacuous comment would upset her greatly. I was thankful I lived two hours away at the time, because as much as I love my mother, I couldnt stand to be around her. She still gets sad and cries easily at the mention of my grandmother. So do I. But she became cognizant of how she was treating others and worked incredibly hard at not directing her anger at others.

What were the emotions you felt, and feel to this very day?

I never cared for either of my father's parents, so when they passed, going to their funerals was an obligation, not a final chance to say goodbye. As terrible as it sounds, I felt apathy. My dad's father was a cruel man, and he seemingly got off by teasing us grandkids. Maybe it was the age, or possibly the his treatment of us, but I was glad he was gone.

My dad's mother was much the same. Then about 5 years before she died, she developed alzheimer's. It was the best thing that ever happened to her, in my opinion. The woman who sneered and frowned at us constantly forgot what it meant to be mean. She became sweet, loving, and kind. But due to the damage she did was too little, too late, and it was hard for me to muster up much emotion at her funeral, or anytime after.

Both of my mother's parents were a different story. My grandfather was the one who helped me with my school work, worked out with me, and always supported me if my parents were angry at me. Every year, our family and my mom's grandparents went on vacation together, and when we came home one year, I cried uncontrollably. It seemed to be for no reason whatsoever, but absurd as it may sound, I somehow knew somewhere inside that it was the last vacation we've been taken. Another tradition we had was going to lunch after church on Sunday's. One Sunday, I cried after saying goodbye to him. Again, absurd as it sounds, I knew it was the last time Id ever see him. He died three days later of a heart attack. The toll it had on me was tremendous. I cried 24/7 for about two weeks. I couldnt muster the strength to even leave the house or go to school for that time, and I still miss him to this day.

My grandmother's death on my mom's side had a similar influence. When I moved away from the area I grew up in, on the rare occasion my wife and i would return, I never made time for my grandmother, who was lonely to begin with. When she was diagnosed, I drove into town every weekend for three months just to be with her in the hospital room. I gave the eulogy at her funeral, and I couldnt get through it because I was crying so hard. When i visit my parents, i still get choked up now as I look 2 houses down at what used to be her house.

Death affects everyone, whether it be in a positive or negative way. I almost felt relieved when my dad's father died. I dont know if i even thought about him following his death until now. It was similar with his mother. When my mom's parents died, however, it was the two most painful experiences of my life. But Id like to say I got something out of it, because I was quite the selfish bastard in the past. My grandparents taught me alot about unselfishness, and it took until after their deaths for me to apply those principles to my own life.

 

[Dowdsy McDowds]

Sad story fella but at least it's making you do something positive with your life, very admirable!

Have you ever felt the kiss of death?

The most blatant time was actually when my cat died. He was 14 and had been in the wars with other cats and illness for the past couple of years. I got a phonecall from my sister who had been staying at the house and could hear she was choked up, straight away I figured he had passed. If it had been either of my parents I doubt she would have been able to speak as well as she did.

Have you seen the impact it causes on the people around you?

Last April I lost one of my uncle's on my dad's side of the family, and he was pretty much my dad's best friend. My sister phoned me with the news from the hospital that he had had a sudden brain hemorrhage after coming home from church (as good a time as any!) and had died shortly afterwards. I didn't see or speak to my dad for nearly a week because I knew it hit him hard and in a selfish way, I didn't want to see him in a broken state.

My uncle managed to take early retirement when he was in his mid-50s and my dad had been planning to go the same route so they could go off camping and golfing and the like together and enjoy themselves. However due to my uncles passing thats off the cards for my dad, and he is vocally encouraging me to get back into the swing now that he needs someone to play with. While I did used to play, I never really enjoyed it much and it kinda bothers me that my dad will use such a sad thing as emotional leverage to get me to play again.

What were the emotions you felt, and feel to this very day?

My uncles death has had the largest impact on my life out of all the family members who have died by far. At his funeral, one of his friends read out my uncles mantra he repeated to my cousins a lot; "If you can't do any good, don't do any harm." Fairly nice right?

About a month before he died, I started getting into this author called Kurt Vonnegut. My mum mentioned she had some books by him my uncle had passed along so they were mine if I wanted them. A couple of days before the funeral, I was reading a Vonnegut called The Sirens of Titan, where my uncles mantra originated from. It was such a surreal moment in the funeral hearing that phrase, but instead of breaking down I was actually quite happy to hear it. I asked my cousin if she knew where he got the phrase from and she had no idea, so in a selfish way, that phrase along with Vonnegut's work feels like my bond to my uncle which is just mine.

Vonnegut himself has a nice way of dealing with death in his most famous book, Slaughterhouse 5, where the recurring phrase, 'So it goes,' is used whenever death is explicitly or implicitly mentioned. To sum up, his explanation is along the lines of a persons death is one bad moment, but there are numerous memories and moments that you did have and stay alive whenever you want to think about them. I like the boldness and mindset of being able to brush off something quite saddening as just a bad moment, but once it's gone, you still have lots of good things to remember.