The Bird Shit Quandary

[Big Nick Dudley]

OK, it looks like virtually everyone has done the sadistic/sarcastic death route (at least I hope and pray they are sarcastic). I'll actually answer the question both seriously and with a plausible solution.

Wait for her to feed the birds once. Then go up to the old lady's apartment, and knock on her door. When she answers, CALMLY and POLITELY tell her that you are one of the other residents of the building, and explain NICELY that her feeding the birds so close to the cars creates an expensive bird poop problem, and ask NICELY if she would be willing to cease and desist doing such an activity in close proximity to the vehicles. Maybe try and come up with other (again, serious, not death) activities that she could enjoy that wouldn't be hazardous to the vehicles.

If you be a dick about it, she'd ignore you, and maybe do it more. However, if you are polite, and ask nicely, while explaining the dilemma her activity is creating (she might not even know that she's the cause of the problem), she might oblige (especially if you can find another time-killing activity for her).

The African-American gentleman across the hall already tried this. He went up there and the bitch just looked at me like I's fuckin' crazy.

 

[Sparky]

All problems can be solved with a bb gun...

 

[UltimateHitman]

Go to the manager and tell him that if he doesn't do anything about it then you'll have to go to an outside authority. Then, when his boss (unless he owns it, which you can substitute the city or whatever for boss) finds out he will have caused his own headache and subsequent scrutiny from outside sources. Or tell him your'e having your attorney contact him about legal action and possible monetary compensation stemming from said legal action and it could all have been avoided if he simply did his job.

 

[ScreaminNormanSmiley]

Feeding birds isn't illegal.

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

All problems can be solved with a bb gun...

Over 100 birds out there. Not only would it take me roughly three years to kill every bird with a BB gun, I think a pile of dead animals may land me in the slammer.

This old bat sure has her bases covered. Clever woman.

 

[Sparky]

Feeding birds isn't illegal.

In Melbourne it is. Well kinda, you get a fine for littering.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

Park your car elsewhere.

 

[Sparky]

Over 100 birds out there. Not only would it take me roughly three years to kill every bird with a BB gun, I think a pile of dead animals may land me in the slammer.

This old bat sure has her bases covered. Clever woman.

Wait until no one is watching and feed the birds yourself, only add something toxic. the blame will be pointed to her, (watch what she feeds them feed them the same laced with something that makes sense but is harmful) and the cops will most likely ask her to stop.

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

Park your car elsewhere.

Not possible. Designated parking.

The creativity in this thread is appreciated.

 

[Sparky]

Is it possible to get a cat?

 

[ScreaminNormanSmiley]

Offer her a romantic evening in exchange for her stopping.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

I meant on the street... is there available parking 24/7?

Either that or ask for her designated car spot to be relocated to your spot, so you can have hers. I know she doesn't have a car but every unit/apartment in the building is required to have one spot each.

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

I meant on the street... is there available parking 24/7?

It's an apartment complex. There really isn't a street to park on.

Either that or ask for her designated car spot to be relocated to your spot, so you can have hers. I know she doesn't have a car but every unit/apartment in the building is required to have one spot each.

Funny you mention this. Her spot is two away from mine. It's empty, and in the summer, the entire area is filled with shit. If a car were in that spot, it might come out looking worse than mine already does.

I feel like I'm shooting down a lot of ideas, but trust me, they're all under some sort of consideration.

Offer her a romantic evening in exchange for her stopping.

I would seriously do what Coco suggested before doing this. Or take your advice, and be killed intentionally.

 

[Барбоса]

 

[Viola Moonlight]

It's an apartment complex. There really isn't a street to park on.

So, your apartment complex is in the middle of nowhere then? How do you drive to the shops and whatnot if there is no road leading to the apartment complex?

Funny you mention this. Her spot is two away from mine. It's empty, and in the summer, the entire area is filled with shit. If a car were in that spot, it might come out looking worse than mine already does.

I feel like I'm shooting down a lot of ideas, but trust me, they're all under some sort of consideration.

Oh... that sucks.

 

[Stormtrooper]

The African-American gentleman across the hall already tried this. He went up there and the bitch just looked at me like I's fuckin' crazy.

Sadly, the bolded part might be the problem. She's old, which means she might have old (A/K/A racist) values. The black man going up to her might scare her into the "bitch just looked at me like I's fuckin' crazy" thing. If you aren't black (I haven't the foggiest idea your ethnicity), then maybe that would work. And do you know if the African-American gentleman was nice and polite?

And are you sure that feeding birds is not illegal? It might at least be worth a fine. And the idea of going over your landlords head is also a plausible solution.

Another idea is to sue her for (indirectly) causing damage to the car. This is America, and as such suing people is a way of life. Maybe that'll work.

 

[Sparky]

feed them chocolate cake. apparently chocolate can kill birds. Who knew.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

If she lives above you ice up her stairway. The next time she leaves her apartment your problems will be solved

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

So, your apartment complex is in the middle of nowhere then? How do you drive to the shops and whatnot if there is no road leading to the apartment complex?

No, we're in quite the populated area. It sits back off a main road, a busy road actually. So can't park there. And the drives leading from building to building are far too narrow to park a car.

 

[Sparky]

One last bit of advice. It's a fucking long shot but seemingly the only option... Buy a car cover.

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

If she lives above you ice up her stairway. The next time she leaves her apartment your problems will be solved

Carpet prevents this from being possible. Outside this could be an option, but murder still seems a bit extreme. I'm not confident I could take it that far.

 

[Sparky]

pic related?

 

[SavageTaker]

Crash a plane into her apartment.

 

[nightmare]

1.Yourself & all the angry residents pretend to have bird-flu. Call the CDC & they will handle it from there.


2.Breed cats to eat the birds. Then call animal controll to remove the cats.


3.Nail the bitches door shut. Hopefully she will go crazy\die b4 anyone notices.


4.Hire a prostitute to cover herself in peanut butter & birdseed, causing the birds to attack her. She will flee in terror as the birds follow her away from your apartment. Problem solved.


5.Loosen railing on old lady's patio. Causes her to fall, become disabled & have to move into an old folks home. Shes gone, birds gone, & manager forced to come fix everything wrong with the units in fear of a lawsuit.


5 options- pick one... or man up & buy stock in soap to wash you car.

 

[Tiger Chaos Theory]

Go to the roof and throw a big net on top of the birds.

Climb up to the window she feeds them from and and nail it shut up cover it in bird corpses with racial slurs written on the bodies.

Kill her then kill the black man that saw her, make it look like he did it after they had sex.