The Bird Shit Quandary

[Big Nick Dudley]

The roommate and I live directly beneath a woman between the ages of 78 and.. death. She's lonely, senile, whatever.
Who cares.

For some odd reason, she feels it necessary to feed the birds in front of our apartment building (over 100 of them, and no, I'm not exaggerating), within 20 feet of where the tenants park. Result? Bird shit, everywhere. For a solid 7 months out of the year, our vehicles are totally covered in bird shit. It's an unbelievable sight, really.

The fat ass we call management is unwilling to take a stand. Going to a car wash twice per week is costly, and that bag of dust above us isn't going to fork over any cash.

Another bird shit-filled Spring/Summer is not an option. Suggestions?

 

[Little Jerry Lawler]

Kill the old lady.

 

[Coco]

Kill the birds.

 

[Coco]

Kill yourself?

 

[ScreaminNormanSmiley]

Shit on her car

 

[Little Jerry Lawler]

I'm sure the birds told other birds about the old lady so if Nick kills the birds, there will be more to replace them. Kill the old lady and maybe she will be replaced with a hot-looking lady that you could fuck whenever she pleases.

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

I'd rather not spend the rest of my life in prison. Especially when the victim is already so close to the dirt.

 

[klunderbunker]

Get Alfred Hitchcock on the case.

 

[Coco]

Right. Kill yourself it is.

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

Kill yourself?

This is not an option.

 

[Coco]

I'm sure the birds told other birds about the old lady so if Nick kills the birds, there will be more to replace them. Kill the old lady and maybe she will be replaced with a hot-looking lady that you could fuck whenever she pleases.

Don't like that prospect. How about a hot lady (not "hot-looking") who's down for the dirty whenever I please? Sounds much better that way, doesn't it?

 

[ScreaminNormanSmiley]

Intentionally get murdered?

 

[Little Jerry Lawler]

I'd rather not spend the rest of my life in prison. Especially when the victim is already so close to the dirt.

I'm sure you know people who specialize in exterminating.

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

Shit on her car

Conveniently, she doesn't have a car.

 

[Little Jerry Lawler]

Don't like that prospect. How about a hot lady (not "hot-looking") who's down for the dirty whenever I please? Sounds much better that way, doesn't it?

If Nick ain't going to do what it takes, then he doesn't deserve the hot lady. You can have her and then I'll take her like the black guy I am.

 

[Coco]

I'm sure you know people who specialize in exterminating.

Like exterminators?

Shit in her crown.

 

[Барбоса]

Knock on her front door wearing a hooded robe, holding a scythe and say you have come for her

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

Outside of Coco wishing me dead, all roads point in the same direction--the woman has to go.

 

[Little Jerry Lawler]

Like exterminators?

Shit in her crown.

Better pay up the money, Nick.

 

[Coco]

You should force your unshaven penis into her mouth, perform rawdog ******io, and follow it up with the most vicious elbow drop to the top of the her head that she's ever experienced. Such an act is best followed by the consumption of a Slim Jim and suicide.

 

[Little Jerry Lawler]

On an unrelated note, I was watching a show on Animal Planet where these five guys were attacked by chimpanzees. One of the white guys watched his black friend get three of his fingers bitten off and bit in the leg before he started getting angry.

 

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Give her a Lion Tamer and tell her to pay up?

 

[Big Nick Dudley]

Two or so weeks ago, we heard an ambulance flying into our parking lot. We were almost positive she had kicked it. We were wrong.

 

[Stormtrooper]

OK, it looks like virtually everyone has done the sadistic/sarcastic death route (at least I hope and pray they are sarcastic). I'll actually answer the question both seriously and with a plausible solution.

Wait for her to feed the birds once. Then go up to the old lady's apartment, and knock on her door. When she answers, CALMLY and POLITELY tell her that you are one of the other residents of the building, and explain NICELY that her feeding the birds so close to the cars creates an expensive bird poop problem, and ask NICELY if she would be willing to cease and desist doing such an activity in close proximity to the vehicles. Maybe try and come up with other (again, serious, not death) activities that she could enjoy that wouldn't be hazardous to the vehicles.

If you be a dick about it, she'd ignore you, and maybe do it more. However, if you are polite, and ask nicely, while explaining the dilemma her activity is creating (she might not even know that she's the cause of the problem), she might oblige (especially if you can find another time-killing activity for her).

 

[ScreaminNormanSmiley]

Kill Stormtrooper?