I'm not asking you to be respectful, I'm not asking you to read all this shit, I'm not asking you to care, I'm not going to ask you to not make fun. Right now I just need to write, and I simply wanted to share with someone. Regardless if that's with WrestleZone, Tumblr, I hope you enjoy the read.
Deeper into the abyss I fall. It all started 14 years into life. I was in the 8th grade, and I can remember the first thoughts of suicide reeling into my brain. They crept slowly, as everything with my little sister occurred I came to the realization that thing missing in my life was God.
I chased a dream to preach the gospel. A dream instilled in me by my uncle whenever I was 10 by telling me, "This 10 year old child knows more about The Bible than I do, and I will be highly surprised if he does not someday become a preacher much like me." I was 15 years old standing in front of 50, 60, 70 year old condescending bastards that obviously had studied in their word for many more years than I had even been alive. They critiqued me, they laughed at me, they mocked me, and they lied to my face. They thought I didn't hear them, see them? Ha. What silly ***** they were. At age 15 I stopped chasing that dream, and I nearly converted to atheism due to what had occurred to me in that old festering church.
After my "near conversion" to atheism one Wednesday afternoon I recall laying in bed, and the thoughts of suicide crept back into my head. Deep down into my own abyss I went, as I fell lower and lower a "miracle" occurred over my phone. A gal I had been talking to for quite sometime asked me to go to church. What I then thought was a "sign" from "god," was merely coincidence as looking back she had requested I attend church with her every Wednesday for about 2 months prior to this event.
Once again I was on my way to "glory," attending church, and chasing that dream I spoke of earlier. I was 16 when the abyss came back. I was still attending church very regularly, very active, and very in-tune with "god." I somehow convinced myself that due to my "lust" for women at age 16 was causing me to sin so badly that demons of anger and suicide were possessing me. It's baffling really. I allowed religion to hold vice-grips over every aspect of my life, and I even convinced myself of such absurd ideas as the example given above.
From 16 to 17 things got worse and worse for me and religion. I was in a constant struggle between Atheism and Christianity; nonetheless Christianity is simply too absurd for me to ever go back to for any reason whatsoever. Anyways constantly going back and forth between atheist authors Hitchens and Dawkins, and Christian authors C.S. Lewis, and R.A. Torrey. It was the weekend of my graduation whenever the ex-girlfriend and I broke up, and it was then that I first held a gun in my hand; and it was then I realized that religion as a crutch to prevent me from committing suicide was no longer an option. I asked my mother for professional help for the first time in my natural born life. I was simply no longer capable of climbing out of the abyss without some sort of help.
My mother laughed at me. She laughed directly in my face. I showed her tear stained suicide notes crumbled and thrown in the trash, I showed her the very gun she did not know was in her house I planned to commit my horrendous act with, and I begged her to allow me to get some sort of medical help. Once again she laughed thinking I was simply going through a tough time in life, and once again I was left to fight the abyss on my own.
I then met a very close friend. Someone who has been there for me through the thick and the thin. He was atheist (which was nice as I had lost nearly all my friends due to all of them still being religious), he was highly intelligent when it came to the human mind, and he understood me when I said "I want to die" unlike friends before him. The abyss was still there, but I was no longer alone in that abyss.
I met another girl. She was nice, timid, funny, sensible, interesting, sarcastic, beautiful, and pretty much any other compliment you can possibly give a gal. I was happy at work. I was happy in my relationship. I was happy with my friendships. For the first time in 4 years I felt....happy from July 2011-May 2012.
Then something happened. The abyss reminded me that it still existed. I thought that it was gone forever, I thought that I never had to deal with it again, and I thought I had finally climbed my way out of the abyss. When I fell in this time, I did not climb back out, and on May 7th 2012 at 3:30am I took 23 pills in order to attempt suicide. My mother had to be at work at 5:00am the next morning during her last week of school, and when she went to take her pills she realized a bottle that she just had refilled 2 days ago was empty. A silly mistake that I now realize actually saved my life. Fortunately what I took was a combo pill, thus it only acted as a fluid pill. They ran a couple bags of some sort of fluid, I pissed every 20 minutes for about 13 hours; and I was sent home after a psych analysis in which therapy was suggested.
The girl I spoke of left me the following day I was out of the hospital. That was shitty of her, but she couldn't handle being around me at the time I guess. We're now back together, and it's dirt under the rug that gets brought up about once a week only to talk about it until either she or I start crying one to be swept back under the rug. We're working on it.
I have since been attending therapy weekly. Things have seemingly been going well, and I have been practicing the stress reliving techniques such as writing, talking to loved ones more openly, etc.
I recently lost that atheist friend I spoke of before for unknown reasons. Literally unknown reasons. I've reached out to both him and the other friend that I had made through him. Neither of them reply, and neither of them seem to care. It's highly upsetting to this day. He simply wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I lost my job, as I told them to be expecting my 2 week notice that I was looking for a job. I was very respectful to them about it, and I explained that it was simply time for me to move on. They seemed to be very okay with my decision to leave, and they said they understood that the new management regime was simply not working out. The following day I came in to find that I was off the schedule, and I was told to clock out and go home. They explained I was not terminated; however, I was simply off their schedule until further notice.
Wonderful. No money. No job. No friends. The abyss is slowly opening, and I can feel myself falling further and further with each passing breath. I'm fucking angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I don't know what's going to happen. I expect my time on this planet to be limited. My mother recently asked me what I wanted to do in life, and the only reply I could give her was "dying." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Life is bleak, and I simply want to roll around in my own abyss.
Thanks for reading.
-Milkyway
Deeper into the abyss I fall. It all started 14 years into life. I was in the 8th grade, and I can remember the first thoughts of suicide reeling into my brain. They crept slowly, as everything with my little sister occurred I came to the realization that thing missing in my life was God.
I chased a dream to preach the gospel. A dream instilled in me by my uncle whenever I was 10 by telling me, "This 10 year old child knows more about The Bible than I do, and I will be highly surprised if he does not someday become a preacher much like me." I was 15 years old standing in front of 50, 60, 70 year old condescending bastards that obviously had studied in their word for many more years than I had even been alive. They critiqued me, they laughed at me, they mocked me, and they lied to my face. They thought I didn't hear them, see them? Ha. What silly ***** they were. At age 15 I stopped chasing that dream, and I nearly converted to atheism due to what had occurred to me in that old festering church.
After my "near conversion" to atheism one Wednesday afternoon I recall laying in bed, and the thoughts of suicide crept back into my head. Deep down into my own abyss I went, as I fell lower and lower a "miracle" occurred over my phone. A gal I had been talking to for quite sometime asked me to go to church. What I then thought was a "sign" from "god," was merely coincidence as looking back she had requested I attend church with her every Wednesday for about 2 months prior to this event.
Once again I was on my way to "glory," attending church, and chasing that dream I spoke of earlier. I was 16 when the abyss came back. I was still attending church very regularly, very active, and very in-tune with "god." I somehow convinced myself that due to my "lust" for women at age 16 was causing me to sin so badly that demons of anger and suicide were possessing me. It's baffling really. I allowed religion to hold vice-grips over every aspect of my life, and I even convinced myself of such absurd ideas as the example given above.
From 16 to 17 things got worse and worse for me and religion. I was in a constant struggle between Atheism and Christianity; nonetheless Christianity is simply too absurd for me to ever go back to for any reason whatsoever. Anyways constantly going back and forth between atheist authors Hitchens and Dawkins, and Christian authors C.S. Lewis, and R.A. Torrey. It was the weekend of my graduation whenever the ex-girlfriend and I broke up, and it was then that I first held a gun in my hand; and it was then I realized that religion as a crutch to prevent me from committing suicide was no longer an option. I asked my mother for professional help for the first time in my natural born life. I was simply no longer capable of climbing out of the abyss without some sort of help.
My mother laughed at me. She laughed directly in my face. I showed her tear stained suicide notes crumbled and thrown in the trash, I showed her the very gun she did not know was in her house I planned to commit my horrendous act with, and I begged her to allow me to get some sort of medical help. Once again she laughed thinking I was simply going through a tough time in life, and once again I was left to fight the abyss on my own.
I then met a very close friend. Someone who has been there for me through the thick and the thin. He was atheist (which was nice as I had lost nearly all my friends due to all of them still being religious), he was highly intelligent when it came to the human mind, and he understood me when I said "I want to die" unlike friends before him. The abyss was still there, but I was no longer alone in that abyss.
I met another girl. She was nice, timid, funny, sensible, interesting, sarcastic, beautiful, and pretty much any other compliment you can possibly give a gal. I was happy at work. I was happy in my relationship. I was happy with my friendships. For the first time in 4 years I felt....happy from July 2011-May 2012.
Then something happened. The abyss reminded me that it still existed. I thought that it was gone forever, I thought that I never had to deal with it again, and I thought I had finally climbed my way out of the abyss. When I fell in this time, I did not climb back out, and on May 7th 2012 at 3:30am I took 23 pills in order to attempt suicide. My mother had to be at work at 5:00am the next morning during her last week of school, and when she went to take her pills she realized a bottle that she just had refilled 2 days ago was empty. A silly mistake that I now realize actually saved my life. Fortunately what I took was a combo pill, thus it only acted as a fluid pill. They ran a couple bags of some sort of fluid, I pissed every 20 minutes for about 13 hours; and I was sent home after a psych analysis in which therapy was suggested.
The girl I spoke of left me the following day I was out of the hospital. That was shitty of her, but she couldn't handle being around me at the time I guess. We're now back together, and it's dirt under the rug that gets brought up about once a week only to talk about it until either she or I start crying one to be swept back under the rug. We're working on it.
I have since been attending therapy weekly. Things have seemingly been going well, and I have been practicing the stress reliving techniques such as writing, talking to loved ones more openly, etc.
I recently lost that atheist friend I spoke of before for unknown reasons. Literally unknown reasons. I've reached out to both him and the other friend that I had made through him. Neither of them reply, and neither of them seem to care. It's highly upsetting to this day. He simply wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I lost my job, as I told them to be expecting my 2 week notice that I was looking for a job. I was very respectful to them about it, and I explained that it was simply time for me to move on. They seemed to be very okay with my decision to leave, and they said they understood that the new management regime was simply not working out. The following day I came in to find that I was off the schedule, and I was told to clock out and go home. They explained I was not terminated; however, I was simply off their schedule until further notice.
Wonderful. No money. No job. No friends. The abyss is slowly opening, and I can feel myself falling further and further with each passing breath. I'm fucking angry. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I don't know what's going to happen. I expect my time on this planet to be limited. My mother recently asked me what I wanted to do in life, and the only reply I could give her was "dying." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Life is bleak, and I simply want to roll around in my own abyss.
Thanks for reading.
-Milkyway
