RP Feedback Thread

[FunKay the Inevitable]

Sam Smith
Been awhile since I've done this, but let's get to it. I liked the storytelling that opened us up here. It made the image clear in my mind whilst also allowing my imagination some creative freedom. Good work. One thing I've noted is the repetition in your writing. Some times that can be quite handy, here not so much. You've used the word blended at least twice for example. On another somewhat critical note, I'm not sure I dig the amount of swearing going on. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate four letter words and colourful language as much as anyone, but I'm not sure it really fit here, especially in the quantities that you dished it out in.

Also, I feel like I'm stuck in a 50's noir. That's both a positive and a negative. Positive in that the setting has been done very well and you've given me some great visuals, negative as in this Mac stuff. What's that about? Did Sam Smith get in touch with his Irish cousin Sheamus (or Seamus if you're IC25)? What I do like about this RP in its dialogue is the idea of discussing the relationship between yourself and Rush. You're teasing some issues, and also resolving those same issues whilst keeping tensions there for the future. That's a sign of good writing.

Overall, this is a solid piece. Not amazing or even that original, but an enjoyable entry for Sam Smith and you're well on your way to re-asserting yourself as a player here in WZCW.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Miko/S.H.I.T:

Oh, Lord. This is easily one of the funniest RP's I've ever read in my entire life. I was sitting in the middle of work reading this and laughing out loud so hard that our Commanding General (a Three-Star) turned around and asked me what was so funny. I said the following line:

Spoiler

"Lance Armstrong doped harder than all those motherfuckers!"

Line of the year, right there.

Overall this was a great RP. I didn't catch any spelling or grammar errors, but honestly I really couldn't see that well through the tears. This thing had me rolling. I love it. Awesome job.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Prophet/Rev. Cooper:

First off, let me say that I'm a fan of the direction that Cooper has taken. You've had some really solid RP's over the last couple of rounds, and this one is no different. Solid formatting, no grammar or spelling mistakes that I can see, and a good story behind it. This is a really solid effort, and I'd like to see a Cooper vs. KO match.

Really good stuff.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Dave/Constantine:

First of all, Constantine is a far better heel than he is a face. I feel that Constantine is as you were able to capture in your RP, a heel that has a core group of fans that will cheer him no matter what.

You're really pushing to face KO in this match, what with the threads you've started in the .com section, and I think this RP just proves that. As much as I'd like to see Cooper face KO, a "4 corners match" like you've been pushing for would be great too. A very solid RP that very well might win you the spot.

 

[Dave]

Jacoby Capone

This is a good RP for what it is. I actually feel as though, if you had any previous with Chris KO, then chances are that you would have even more to write about. This RP is really neat and compact. It has a good flow and really good description. But there is no meat and bones to it. This is why I feel it is unfortunate that you and Chris KO haven't had any previous matches. If you had, then you would have had a lot more meat in the RP. You would havebeen able to plan out your RP against an opponent. As it is, you haven't been able.to demonstrate that you jhave what it takes to beat Chris KO.

That said, I liked this RP. It was really fun to read and it had a solid point to it. I just feeling as though you would have knocked it out of the park with more to talk about. Really unfortunate but you did a good job of writing about what you didn't have.

 

[Dave]

Sam Smith

This is an excellent RP and, barring something really special from X, enough to win you the match and keep that title around your waist. You really did mange to capture lightning in a bottle with this one.

Personally, I like most things about this RP. My only concern is how Smith seems to mellow out after one of the most emotionally jarring experiences of his life... I suspect. Chelsea just gave him terrible news and it reduced him to tears and ultimate anger. I absolutely loved this part of the RP. However, I was looking forward to Smith unleashing his angry side in the rest of the RP and,.by comparison, it paled in terms of emotion. I honestly think that the portion of the RP that started the while thing should have been at the end of the RP instead. Just to give the impression that Smith was unstable heading into Unscripted.

That said, this is still an excellent RP that had me wanting more after I was done. You messaged me asking askingewhat I would like to have seen from Smith a few days ago and this is the answer. This was incredible. Amazing work.

 

[The Crock]

Constantine (Dave):

Solid-ass RP, homie. In the last set of feedback I told you I wasn't really a fan of the whole "king" shtick, but you've made me one -- you knocked it out of the park. The "every king needs a white knight" part was really nice, it sort of captured the entire theme of the RP for me. From then on, you kept referencing defending your kingdom and whatnot, kept flipping the script and making KO seem as the villain -- nice touches, really. Now, the RP was a little monotonous -- there wasn't really much going on other than Constantine talking in the middle of the ring -- but the simplistic nature doesn't necessarily take away from it. You cut a scathing promo on Chris KO and managed to keep pushing forth Constantine's heel king persona. That's a success in my book.

Nicely done, pal. If you get to face Chris KO (which you should), he'll be hard-pressed to beat you.

 

[Beastmode 24]

Dynamite/Krypto.

When I first came into the fed, there was this little tag team known as the Kings of Hate. These two guys were trying to RP and be relevant in the fed, but I saw that they really weren't that good. But one stood out more than the other. While One just honestly wasn't that good and no showed a couple of times, the other just seemed like he didn't have the right gimmick. As with all tag teams, this one had a break out star, and someone that just seemed to fade away. Darren Bull, try as he might, just hasn't clicked yet in WZCW. Joe West is dead, but Krypto is very much alive.

You have taken a gimmick that I laughed at, and you're the best rookie in WZCW today and this RP showed how far you've come. This is the best RP that you've ever had, and if you were this good when you first RP'd against me as Krypto I would've been blown out of the water. Izzy's gonna have to pull a major RP out of her ass to beat this one. One hell of a good RP. The second half where Krypto tears into SaboSax was really what stood out to me the most, and honestly that's the part that really shows how far you've come.

I'm proud of you man. Good fucking job.

 

[JGlass]

Dynamite

I can't imagine you not winning here, that was a killer RP! I thought you did as good a job as anyone writing for Saxton and Saboteur (except Doc and myself, of course), certainly better than FalKon or Echelon whom had a chance to write at length with our guys. That's right, you outdid a former world champ and a consistent upper midcarder.

If you keep up this type of RPing you could be looking at a midcard title shot in a PPV or two. I'm very happy that being able to work with Saxton and Saboteur has brought out the best in Krypto even when Doc and I haven't been much help.e

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Sam Smith

Crock, you've known that I have always been a huge fan of Smith since his return because I'm never shy to tell you nearly everytime we exchange PMs or sexts. I also have always been honest after every RP of yours that I read. Sometimes you knock them out of the park, other times you get your point across, but not as effective as it could have been.

With your latest RP, you showed the anger and emotion that I LOVE to read about from Sam. For me, when Sam is cranked to 10 and full of rage and intensity, you crush it ten out of ten times. When it's dialed back, there are things that I miss. While this RP wasn't level 10 intensity, there was plenty (and a range of) emotion expressed.

I would have liked to seen Sam reach his highest point when it comes to anger against XXX, WZCW and the world in general, and because he never quite got there I feel as if there was more to touch on. That being said, without it, it doesn't hurt the RP at all and if anything opens Sam up for a number of roads to travel.


Triple X:

I won't lie and say that I've followed your career in WZCW by reading every one of your RPs or every match that you've participated in. Truth is, to my immediate knowledge this is only the second RP of yours that I've read. It's not because I'm not a fan, it's just because I severly lack the time to read most RPs, especially on a constant basis.

What I can say is that this RP was streets ahead compared to the other RP that I remember. You provided a perfect example of telling XXX's story and further developing his character, the supporting characters around him, as well as directing the right amount of focus towards your upcoming match.

I've mentioned to Crock on a number of basis about how much I want to see a full-blown feud done properly involving you and Sam Smith. The similarities and opposites between the two characters could lead to one of the most intense and emotional feuds that has ever taken place if written by the write person with time dedicated to it.

No matter the outcome of this match, I hope that it can be the step on the gas to get this feud started between the two of you.

 

[Muffin Top Merkley]

Matt Tastic:

I cannot tell a lie. I've never been a huge fan of Matt Tastic RPs. Nothing against you at all, Killjoy, it's just something about Tastic that doesn't have a lot of appeal to me. Sometimes its even something as simple as the colour you choose for your font that drives me away, but mostly I'd think it's how over the top it can be. Oh, and the anime references mean absolutely nothing to me, but that's just due to a complete and utter lack of anime knowledge.

That being said, out of all of your RPs, this was easily my favorite and was a clever idea that fit with your character. For the first time, I realized that some of the over the top shit that happens to Tastic, is just his imagination. I'm not sure if it has always been hinted to that it was just him fabricating what was going on for his own enjoyment/understanding of his surroundsing and I just always missed it, that has always been present and I've just always missed it, but I understand it now and it really increased my enjoyment of this RP.

The biggest draw back of this RP was the incorrect spelling/grammatical/wording that plaqued it. I'm the worst person to be saying this, and it's extremely hypercritical of me to say this considering I very rarely do it myself, but this RP really could have benifitted from you simply proofreading it once or twice.


El Califa Dragon:

There's not much to say here Dragon. I couldn't help but think that this RP suffered from the same fate that I did when we first faced: a lack of time. What was there, was good, but what was missing was really missing.

Maybe your recent loss to Tastic, or maybe because of the heat that was being generated in the discussion thread about your true identity is causing you to take a step back and reevaluate your position. If that's the case, that's a shame.

But then again, maybe you just didn't have any time to dedicate to your RP this week.

I don't see Califa Dragon walking around with a laptop or any other type of modern technology. He seems to... simple for it. Not in a idiotic way, but in a way where he wouldn't complicate his life with it.


Celeste Crimson:


Unknown fact: When I Rush first came to WZCW, he feared Celeste. To me, she was at the absolute peak when it came to RPs and I didn't think that I would have anything in me that could even attempt to compete with her. When you were forced to no show our last match, I was releived because I knew I had the "W" even if it was by default. That's right, when I first RPed here, I was in it to win it.

Now, I write for fun and to try to tell a story that I thought of during my "retirement". Now, Celeste has some rust on her in the form of inconsistancy as others have put it.

This RP, is a perfect example of one of the ones that I used to fear and was really perfectly written. An excellent and enjoyable RP to read on this side of the screen.

You covered your basis by running through your opponents, but were smart enough to put your main focus on Rush, considering he'd be the one you would be facing if selected to compete at Unscripted.
I don't fear losing to you anymore Celeste, I only fear us not getting the opportunity to tell a story together.


Rush:

This was a different style of RP than you have been writing in the past, and was similar to RPs that wrote before your departure and for a few rounds after your return.

Lately, your RPs cracked in at around 1,000 words, keeping them short and sweet, while this one was over 2,600 and filled with more detail regarding your setting and mood. You tried to compate the extra words by adding in bits of humour to try to keep it interesting and not bore the reader too much with the mundane details.

I'm also not sure of the ending. Part of me feels like it just ended abruptly without really going home. The other part sees the closure in it and understands what it means.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Ech/Celeste

First off, thanks for the little comment on my RP.

I know the last couple of days people have mentioned your inconsistency. I've probably read about 75% of your RPs since I joined up, and I don't think you are inconsistent, so much as you don't always write a good wrestling RP. Did that make sense? Your descriptions are terrific time in and time out, and I have never read one of your RPs and felt like I wasted time. It is just that sometimes I think you get too wrapped up in writing a good story and forget your opponent.

I'm a fan of this RP. I think most people were declaring Tastic the challenger, then you come with this. You looked at Rush's potential opponents, and basically said why Celeste was the better choice. Then you turned your attention to Rush, and did solid work. The little looks back at the past, always a fan.

“Listen up WZCW fans, don’t vote for the clichéd glass cannon Matt Tastic or the rookie Califa Dragon; instead vote for the gal who will give you the best match of the year!”

I do feel that ending to the interview was a letdown. Cliche isn't always bad, but I feel this was too cliche, especially coming from you.

I have only glanced over the other RPs, but if you get voted in I think you will be put up a damn good fight.

Ricky Runn/Pancock

Overall this wasn't a bad RP.

I like how you mention the rut Ricky has been stuck in. I'm always a fan of looking back at not only recent history, but your characters entire history as well.

I also like how you mention Reynolds. Your longest string of success was as his tag partner, then you managed to beat him when blowing off your feud. He has had more impact on Ricky than any other character in the fed, so mention him here and there is a nice touch in my opinion. Just don't make it a habit. Eventually Ricky has to break out as his own guy.

I'm torn on the opening. I like the flashback, and it was a decent lead in to the rest of the RP, but it didn't serve much other purpose. I feel you could have expanded on it more, or talked more about Ricky growing up, transitioning away from sidekick to grown ass man.

I thought that when you talked about your opponents you did a good job. Could be better, but it gets the job done.

Do I get mentions in all your RPs?

I think the biggest thing the RP lacked were descriptions. You started off doing an okay job, but towards the end it got dialogue heavy. Break that up with some facial descriptions to add to the emotion of the dialogue. I think most of us here fall into that trap from time to time, just don't make it a habit.

Like I said, I think you did a solid job. Not many people were giving you a chance, but I think you established yourself as a legit dark horse. Regardless of the result I think you can build on this RP for the future.

 

[FlexAmerican Dynamite]

Ricky Licky Runn

You've been stuck in a rut lately, but with this RP you at least did a good job of trying to get out of it. These are going to be some quick points and general thoughts because Yaz already did a much better job dissecting your RP.

- The flashback wasn't bad but like Yaz has said it didn't really serve much purpose elsewhere.

- The story of Ricky done trying to be Austin and him vowing to redeem himself is a nice arch for him but don't let it be something you rely on all the time.

- Faces have a harder time being interesting because they have to be good guys but I especially see this problem with Runn, it's not because you did anything wrong in this RP specifically it's more that I'm just not seeing a lot in Runn past the "I live in the moment, no regrets" type talk that usually comes from Jeff Hardy or boring face John Morrison. I'm just looking for a reason to care about Runn more than just the fact that he jumps off high places.

- I have no idea if you'll win this match, a lot of people seem to think it's a forgone conclusion in Remix's favor and while I haven't fully read his RP I don't think this was horrible, it was pretty good, I just think you need a gimmick tweak, something that makes Runn more interesting is all. Good luck.

 

[Remix]

John Constantine

Formatting:

• Congratulations, you're better at formatting than Numbers. Tagging your dialogue is something that not enough people do.
• Colours are good, no errors in it that I can tell.
• You forgot to bold tag Constantine a few times.
• Excellent work

Grammar:

• Excessive commas: "Listen, Seabass," Listen doesn't need a pause. Would you say it like you've written?
• Poor flow: "all of that was buried by Chris KO..." That just doesn't read properly to me. All of that? You mentioned one thing. Saying words to the effect of ". He defeated Grand Mystique on Meltdown, but that was buried by Chris KO..." What you've written does the job, it just seems wrong somehow though.
• Poor wording: "Never have you..." None of you would work better in the situation from where I'm sitting.
• Poor punctuation. "so close... To greatness!" That just reads like it's being said by a hammy actor. I don't quite think that's the way you want to go there.
• Other than that, nothing that I can see. Good stuff.

Content:

• Why the fuck are Cohen and Copeland there? Seriously, there's no logical reason for them to be at a house show where they don't do commentary and they add sweet fuck all to the RP. Cut that shit out in future Dave, the RP would have been stronger as a monologue.
• Not keen on referencing people calling Chris a shitty baby face. In a real fed, the online bitchers make up a vocal minority that only an idiot plays to (looking at you, Ziggler)
• Aside from the things I pointed out in the previous sections this was a well written RP. You got your point across well and KO will have a job beating you if that's the way the vote falls.

 

[Dave]

Celeste

This was a really thorough RP and one that, I assume, most people are going to enjoy reading. What's really great about it, is that it seems completely legitimate. Everyone in this fed seems to love a little bit of nostalgia and reading your RP is going to deliver that pleasure with great aplomb. I am one of the few people in this fed that can openly remember the EurAsian Championship tournament and so I feel that your use of history was not lost on me. To be honest, you made a great deal of your history and I didn't think that a lot of people would have gotten that. But you did amazingly well at summarizing your history and making it completely accessible to everyone who reads it.

The content was great and I feel like you really sold me the angle you were playing for. This would be the decisive rubber match between 2 veterans and I liked that aspect of it too. It sort of made me feel like I was watching The Wrestler over again. You showed everyone how much this match would mean to Celeste whilst proving, ultimately,that any slump in your form is sure to be ended pretty damn soon. Perhaps even in this upcoming match.

A really strong RP with a solid central idea that I could easily relate to. Bravo.

 

[Bernkastel]

Dave – Constantine

I liked the way that Constantine immediately targets Chris KO without beating around the bush; the idea that Constantine is king of his castle - the castle being WCZW - and Chris the forced lackey as a token of revenge would make for an interesting storyline. The setting was a bit clichéd, especially for a PPV RP, but I appreciate the fact that you tried to work it by calling it a house show. Having the announcers doing commentary was kind of weird since the setting was a house show; if you use this setting again in the future try writing the announcers [or even the audience’s] thoughts has they hear your diatribe instead of a verbal response.

The thing I liked most about the RP: The passion that you put into the dialogue. You really sold me on not only why Constantine hates Chris KO, but his goals for the future. You didn’t even have to remind me that he has the KFAD briefcase.

The thing I liked least about the RP: You need to simplify your writing. There were several times when it drags on because you’ve either repeated words and phrases in quick succession or you’ve written your sentences in a way that makes them awkward to follow. What I do that helps me avoid this is that I read my piece as fast as I can without stopping; if I stumble or stop on any part that tells me those words need to be reformatted.

 

[Remix]

Titus

Formatting:

• Colours consistent and clear
• No bold tag errors
• Italics are shit. Don't use them. They're harder to read than regular or bold type. Bear this in mind for future RPs.

Grammar:

• Missing comma: "entertained yet educated" there should be one between entertained and yet.
• Plural issues: "I like the peacock, they're so pretty." the obvious is that "the peacock" means Becky's talking about just one, wheras "they're so pretty" means she's talking about multiple. Also, using "the peacock" at all doesn't make sense, unless Keystone Zoo only has one.
• Incorrect apostrophe usage: "Now peacock's are..." shouldn't be there. Nothing belongs to the peacock in that sentence.
• Superfluous word: "elite of peacocks" it would read better without of
• Incorrect apostrophe usage: "Animal's are different" same issue as before.

Content:

• The extended metaphor you worked with this RP was very well done. It works as a way to trash talk your opponents as well as for the match
• Including those two dozen or so references was a genius move. It adds a level of interest and rereadability to an already top notch RP.
• However there were some times when your language just seemed odd. "Number one of the crop" just reads wrong, for example. When I think of peacocks, gracious is also pretty far down on the list of adjectives.
• Other than minor nitpicks, this was a fantastic RP.

Mikey Stormrage

Formatting:

• Colour selection: good, though you didn't colour tag Mikey when you did James.
• One instance where you didn't include speech marks in colour. Minor point
• You started out writing in prose but very quickly you swap into pseudoscript. Fuck's sake, you don't need speech and description to go in different paragraphs. Don't do fucking do it!

Grammar:

• No obvious errors that I spotted

Content:

• I get where you're going with this RP, and it works well. You developed Mikey's character, furthered the story you're telling and was an enjoyable read
• Those photos: nice touch
• Although it's appropriate and done well here, I'm not sure if saying "we can't win" is a good way to win a match. But then, your tag team record against SaboSax is about as good as Del Rio's against Sheamus.

Action Saxton

Formatting:

• Doc, is there a reason you centralise your text? I don't get the point.
• Grey: Not a great colour to use on a white forum.
• Stan Rogers never got his name colour tagged.
• As I mentioned for your last RP, your ability to make dialogue identifiable without relying on colours is always good to see. More people should do it.
• Karzai and Kravinoff's colours are too similar for my liking.

Grammar:

• Your sentences can run on for way too long. In word, every sentence of the first paragraph was over a line long.
• Other than that, and overuse of commas at times I can't see anything wrong on this end.

Content:

• One day Doc, you will write an RP I don't like. Today was not that day.
• It's hard to give feedback on this part of your RPs Doc. Your style of writing is very different to most, in that your RPs are full of entertaining content. It's just completely eccentric, which is not a bad thing.
• You did a lot of good things with this RP, firstly make me laugh, secondly juggle seven characters and use them effectively. I know how hard that can be, even when using fewer characters. Good stuff.
• This RP was very efficient, in that you packed in a lot of entertainment value and built very well to Saxton's rousing speech. I'd say that I'd like to see more like that out of you, but we both know you could do an RP about Saxton waiting for a delayed flight and make it entertaining without building up to an ending that related at all to your match and featuring no character interaction beyond Saxton's fists of fury interacting with bad guys' faces. And action movie dialogue.
• Just keep up the good work.

 

[Bernkastel]

Remix – Benjamin Hoss

I found the narration by Wunderbar to be intriguing, but I found some of your descriptions to be a little lacking. The similarity between Chris KO and Chris Jones was quite vague compared to the difference between the two. I would have liked to have heard more about the symbolism of how Wunderbar crushing him relates to the demise of Chris KO. I did like the focus on the mask – or in this case helmet – that KO wears to hide his true persona as a coward. You should have given the full name of STA in the beginning instead of the acronym; it just makes more sense if you aren’t sure the recipient of Wunderbar’s promo knows what it is. Other than that promo was solid.

What I liked most about the RP: Your transitions were great and easy to follows and your spelling was flawless; a really easy RP to read with no gaps at all.

What I liked least about the RP: I was a little underwhelmed by the ending. The descriptions were fine, but I was hoping for more interaction between Wunderbar and Hoss other than the short dialogue from the former so that we could get a real feel for this monster of a man.

 

[Richard Blonoff]

Doubling up on Remix. I'll make sure to use lube.

Connor Reese

I want to start by saying I think the thing I enjoy most about Connor is the exceptional use of NPCs. If you aren't the best in the fed at using them, you are top five for sure. Most of your NPCs are as well developed as some of the actual wrestlers in the fed.

The movie scene at the beginning was a nice read. The words you chose to use were very fitting of the setting.

This RP wasn't very long, but you managed to say a lot, while saying very little. Some guys write lengthy RPs because they have so much to say. You managed to hit some major points in only a couple paragraphs. Quality over quantity here and it worked damn well.

My two biggest gripes about this RP probably won't come as a huge surprise, since I mentioned one of them before. One, you seem to have higher aspirations for Connor than the Mayhem title. You wrote a good RP, but it feels like you are setting up for something in the future as opposed to winning in the here and now. Two, Connor's heel turn was one of the stronger turns in recent memory. It wasn't ambiguous in the least, you knew Connor was heel. This RP didn't have a heel feel at all. I trust you have a fairly clear plan for the future, so this may just be a stepping stone, but in the back of my mind I couldn't shake the feeling that you didn't go one hundred percent here. Regardless it was a nice read, it flowed well, and broke the mold just enough to be entertaining.

Benjamin Hoss

I'm not as familiar with your older characters so this may need to be taken with a grain of salt, but I like the idea of using them here and there to further the STA storyline.

Wilhelm's speech about why the STA is accepting the challenge was nice. I really enjoyed that.

As with most of your RPs, this one flowed very well. It really makes it more enjoyable to read when it flows.

I'm going to echo Ech's feedback and say I wish we had a little more interaction between Hoss and Wilhelm. Given the earlier bits involving the training, it does appear that Hoss is a bit of a simpleton, so I didn't expect a big speech, but something, anything extra, would have added to the RP.

 

[a0161613]

Isabel Stone
Technically this is a fine RP. You hit all the major points like we would expect. You suffer badly from a real lack of spellchecking and proofreading with spelling mistakes that is difficult to look past. Using Word or an online checker would have caught these silly mistakes.

Constantine
I don’t mind the use of in ring promos but I’d be careful about using them twice in a row. There’s one thing about it that infuriates me, it did last week as well, why would the commentators from MD be at a house show? I hate that. I see why you do it but there has to be better narrative techniques.

Mikey Stormrage
Loved this. Great use of humour and emotion. You really stepped up here.

Sam Smith
A really good use of different scenes here to build together to the final interview. The scene with Rush was a great glue scene and I want to see more of that from you two, find out your desires, motives etc. It can’t just be about mutual addictions.

Triple X
Another fine example of what makes you such a highly regarded RPer. Great dialogue was a highlight. This is one of the tightest matches of the night, alongside the Tag Team Title match.

Chris KO
An admirable attempt at something completely different from you. You’ve followed some previous comments of mine and go back to dialogue. This works to an extent and the humour carries you well. Maybe you could have had more Chris than just at the end.

Krypto
You abandoned/ended your story of acronym organisations and the renewed focus on Sab,Sax and Krypto helps you massively. I still don’t feel like I understand Krypto and I think to stop yourself going too much into ridiculousness, you need to explore his psyche and character because at times, when he was ranting, it seems to be more than a little over the show. The perspective was confusing, is he still an alien in his head? Is he a aware of his mental deficiencies? That rant throws me off as to what Krypto thinks of the entire experience.

Ricky Runn
I always adore your enthusiasm and it’s always difficult to pick holes in your work. One thing I will say is that I am not a fan of WZCW superstars talking so freely to random people. If Ricky did that to a kid in most places, he’d be accused of grooming. You aren’t doing much wrong to be honest.

Remix – Reese
I personally would have had less film stuff and more “promo” though the middle scene is excellent.

Remix – Hoss
Brilliant and simple. Your use of NPC’s has already been commented on.

You're clearly a great writer and could do great things further up the card. I'm glad you can stick around this time and hope you can continue to develop this character to get some consistent success.

Lee
Fantastic use of story telling but as good as the subtlety is, sometimes you need to drop the hints and just flat out say what you want.

 

[Dave]

Connor Reese

Firstly, I have to praise you on the thoroughly elaborate plot you devised in the first portion of your RP. It really was something far removed from the norm of everyone else's RP that it was completely striking, and even more intriguing. I thought that you handled the shift in writing from that setting to the “real” setting of your RP tremendously well and that could be said of the the entire thing. The writing therein was perfect.

I can tell there is a vast amount of plots going on in your work and I am not about to go chasing after every one. What I will say, is that you really have created a really complex and interesting world for you to RP in and that really did strike me as inventive and ingenious. I really do applaud you for that.

In terms of content, I was left feeling rather satisfied after reading this RP. You covered everything without droning on and even made a huge attempt to sell yourself in every match type. I think you've got a great RP here and something which can do the business against the other men in the fight. After reading all 3, I would say that this RP is the strongest in the thread.

I did notice one formatting error early in the piece but it doesn't affect the piece at all. Really brilliant work.

Wilhelm Wunderbar/Benjamin Hoss

Again, I have to comment on how well you have allowed your characters to float so effortlessly between scenes. It was awesome to see Wunderbar again and for him to cut such a sizzling promo against Chris KO was really something to behold.

Speaking of things to behold, I really liked the way you built up Hoss. He seems like a real man mountain that also has the technical skills to succeed. I know you've got Reese just now but Hoss is an excellent fall back should you choose to go down that route. I'd love to know what his intentions are with KO and in general. I think a real powerhouse wouldn't go amiss in the Fed right now. I mean, after Rush there really isn't a big man out there that has made his presence felt. Hoss might be able to do that.

Judging by this RP, he certainly could. I was intrigued at his character and it was a nice twist that the RP wasn't actually about Wunderbar. Honestly, this is a nice little piece of work that signals a statement of intent possibly for the future. Nice one.

 

[red ass skull muhfukkah]

Rush

Really great RP here that I enjoyed reading. Your descriptions are detailed but not boring and set the scene well. I thought using the descriptions of Buddy Dodgers as symbolism for each of your opponents was genius. Usually in these matches most just run down each opponent, you did that in a way that covered that you were doing that, really great. I'm not a guy who cares much about formatting and grammar/spelling unless it really brings down an RP (which it didn't for you) so no big complaints there. The one thing I would have liked to see is a little bit about Sam Smith thrown in there. Other than that I really enjoyed it, I picked Celeste to face you but I think you'll keep that belt no matter who you face.

 

[Thriller Ant]

Sam Smith

- I haven't used it too much, but I like the writing RPs. They are a nice way to get thoughts across without forcing a scene or interview.
- The cut scene is well-written, and it's a nice escape from the writing. It really helps remind the audience how troubled/conflicted/whatever Sam is.
- The content is very good. Sam is angry with WZCW, and you convey that beautifully.
- My biggest issue is that I could've used another cut scene or two. You do a great job of getting Sam's feelings across, but you need something in there to break it up a bit. Have Sam pause a twirl a pen, get up and look at his degree, throw in another cut scene, or something to help it read easier.

El Califa Dragón

- The asterisks are a good way to do footnotes. My Spanish is decent, but being able to Ctrl-F that makes it easy. I know there's not much you can do with the character how he is, but it can pull you out of the RP having to jump back and forth like that.
- I don't know if this was intentional or not, but having him recognized in a big arena in Mexico is a good way of giving the character credibility.
- I appreciate that you focused on the differences between Ricky and yourself, rather than how much you have in common. It makes for a much more interesting RP.
- All of that said, this was a good, but not great RP. You had some good stuff building the partnership between yourself and Ricky, but there wasn't anything overly memorable. This won't lose you your match, but it isn't strong enough that I can confidently say you have a winning RP here.

 

[smizzy]

Constantine
- First impression I get is that I like the layout and spacing of your RP.
- You open up with entertaining imagery of Big Dave and the out-of-breath production member.
- I notice great use of diction throughout the RP. Your vocabulary adds a lot to the effectiveness of your points as well as your "King" of a character.
- You've proofread thoroughly cause there are few noticeable errors. I noticed you used a commar for a period at one point, used the word that instead of than and had a pound sign in place of an apostrophe. Like I said though, they were minor and few in number.
- At one point you have a sentence that uses Constantine, Constantine and in a following sentence you use The King when referring to yourself. I would have swapped the King for one of those Constantine's to vary your word use.
- The last quote from Constantine at the ended the RP on a strong note.

Derek Jacobs
****e.

- Nice backstory to begin, sells me on New Church's influence in the match.
- Dialogue throughout is smooth and effective.
- Few errors and typos. Good job on the proofread.
- You come out of the RP looking strong.
- At one point, you emphasize the word 'hate' by singling it out. I thought that came off as effective, but later you used the word again in the same way but didn't do it again. I believe it would have been a good idea to single the word out again making a theme of it.
- The first few paragraphs switch from present tense to past tense at various spots which took away some of the luster of your strong claims to start.
- Also at one point you use 'It's' to begin like 3 or 4 sentences in a row. Repetition isn't the problem, but I would have used something less vague than 'it's'.
- Overall solid RP. Enjoyable read for sure. You go, girl!

 

[Dave]

Sam Smith

Chances are, you're probably going to win the match...

But aside from that, let's have a look and see how this RP is after your great effort last time.

Yeah, another excellent RP. You really are a very worthy Elite X Champion and the confidence through that is beginning to shine through. Beating X was no mean feat and yet people are talking about pushing him to the upper card. I know that you are the Elite X Champion but surely that honour should go to the people who win the matches?

Either way, this is an excellent RP. I really liked the intermission between writing that showcased some of the history between Sam and Chelsea, especially after what has happened with them lately. I only hope that you're heading somewhere with this plot line and that it doesn't just end up being constantly drone on about in your work. Right now, you've piqued my interest and I am really looking forward to seeing how it plays out.

Your content in the letter was intriguing too. I had to agree when you talked about facing the same people week in and week out. I would have thought that you would have been facing someone like Drake or Titus who are coming away from the title picture. Still, you used that to your advantage and it worked really well. I found myself nodding in agreement as I read through your work.

So yeah, solid as per usual. I just hope that Creative has something bigger planned for you. You deserve it.

El Califa

Jesus Ty, I really didn't miss reading these novels. But, I missed you.

Anyway, first thing is first, the Spanish parts of the RP, whilst being awesome for your character, really make me want to lose my freaking mind. Mainly because I have to scroll down to the bottom of your work every time I want to know what Califa is saying. So basically, I had to open two different windows and have them both open at the same time. All of which I wouldn't mind but I think you should use different icons for the different parts of the speech. Right now, you are only using asterisks but when I try to find, for example, the third instance of Spanish, it will make me go through the 4th and 5th and 6th and so on until I finally get to the bottom. I don't really see a solution but you're more clever than I. Hopefully you'll find one.

Now that is out of the way, I can actually talk about your RP, which I loved. I really like the partnership with Ricky Runn and I think that both of you could benefit from keeping this going a little while. Dragon needs some direction whilst he is new on the roster and Runn works best when he is within a tag environment. I really like this partnership.

I also love the way you write. Apart from the obvious formatting issue that I pointed out earlier, everything flows together magnificently and it is not hard to see why you were the longest running World Champion in the Fed. What is striking though, is how different Califa and Ty are. I know that you were probably hoping for that to happen because you wanted to try something new but it seems surreal.

Your content, as per usual, is supreme and I really enjoyed the journey that you took me on when I was reading. Honestly, it won't be too long before you are mixing it with the main guys once again and that should be welcomed. But for now, I really like reading about the Dragon and you should attempt to get some direction before rushing ahead, if you can.

Loved it, dude.

Grand Mystique

I personally really liked the reveal of Grand Mystique being the “leader” of The New Church. It was something that I didn't see coming and now that you are in the group, I think that your writing has much more ambition and direction attached to it. I mean, you even referenced in your RP that you were alone in the beginning. But as was the case with Austin Reynolds, so will be for Grand Mystique. Let's face it, you did some great work with Pancake and Ricky Runn when you were roleplaying as Reynolds and I am hoping that you can do the same for this start-up faction. You definitely have the skill for it.

As for the RP itself, you managed to change your style somewhat to fit in with the new style of your faction and that was pleasing. Your content was pretty good and you do a good job of selling the other tag teams short. With Grand Mystique at the helm of The New Church, you guys really can go places and I'm glad that you managed to get that over to me.

The most important thing that I would have put in my RP if I were you, was that Stormrage is no friend to SaboSax. In the end, if this were real people and real events, that would mean a great deal when the match actually occurs. I am glad that you spotted that and put it in there because it sold the idea of a rift in the opposition actually coming to fruition and The New Church taking control of the match through that.

A really promising RP.

Sandy Deserts

I think, first of all, I have to qualify this feedback by saying that I am not completely familiar with your new character choice. I don't know if any of what I say will be helpful to you or not but here goes.

Firstly, I reckon the first part of the RP is a lot stronger. Yes, you may have talked about your opponents in the second half but the story with the Professor is where the money is in terms of moving into the future. I loved the emotion from the pair of them and you're writing really lends itself to that.

However, that said, I don't think that you have the confidence or direction with Sandy that you had with Kurtesy. I think though that this will come in time. When I was reading the piece of work, I found myself comparing it to what I would have expected to see from Kurtesy and I just don't think it is quite on that level yet. Whilst you were doing amazing work with Kurtesy, this is just lacking some direction.

Still, it was a good RP and something which I enjoyed. I really like how you manage to focus on Isabel towards the end. To me, that was an awesome piece of writing and something that I really didn't expect oddly enough. Nevertheless, it sucks that you put some effort into making all of your RP submissions fit together only to be let down by no-shows.

Either way, nice attempt. Worth reading if not only for the future.​