RP Feedback Thread

[Lee]

Polley

I gave you it when you sent me,so I won't post it here.

Blade

I love this RP, seriously it was 100% spot on. To make an RP after getting screwed is a hard thing to get right, with this one I felt the raw emotion, the anger. It worked fantastically well.

What made me laugh was the ending, I hope it was intentional because it was brilliant. It seems like you just can't be arsed to metion Murfish but feel you have to anyways. It worked well and I really enjoyed it.

 

[Showtime]

Bratchny
We see another chapter in your story that is about Bratchny, that is to say very good writing and structure as always. Opening set the mood for the RP. We are introduced to two new characters who appear to be made up characters inside Carmen's head. Nice direction into something albeit, one a lot of other characters seem to be toying with. They are you, your bad side and your good side, and potentially at the moment your new guide. Surprised at how little Karen was used, although I'm sure she'll come up in future RP's, battling these two illusions. I can tell at the moment you're building towards something and as a developing piece it was a good one, and that is why it was also lacking in the match comment, I mean none that is. Weakens the overall piece, but pushes future developments that could benefit your character, it's a trade off. Well done, I look forward to where you go next.

Polly
Great RP. One thing that bothered me about the piece though was the fact that Swindle is already dead, but since I read before that you had a few written up ahead of time before Swindle died coupled with the idea it can be old footage to mock Bratchny, I was able to get around it quick. Use of YouTube videos added a lot of touch to the scene. We see hatred and a bit of jealousy from your character. Nice work with the bible, using your anger through the bible to justify your feelings of hate. Pace was good with dialogue and actons and you pointed out your targets weaknesses well. Vengeance was scary, Lars is just pure evil, you've done a wonderful job. Elite X title? You should be WZCW champion.

Blade
Solid RP. Your character is very unpredictable in his behaviour, he's a straight shooter who plays by the rules but he's also a rebel without a cause who makes his own rules. Description between dialogue is generally good and gives good breaks between. You handled Baller well and dismissed his attempt to claim anything off you. Somehow though, your angry tyrant came off a little weak to me. As funny as it was Becky holding up a cushion, it seemed out of place. It should've been near Baller or at the beginning, not after putting over Celeste and near the end when you sounded as angry as someone who waits 5 minutes to use an ATM. Aside from that, I thought everything else was really good. You're generally quite mum with your emotions and that's fine given your characters lack of enthusiasm. When the time comes you'll explode and explode well. For now it was a good piece and closed the way it should about your opponent, your anger, and your lack of caring. Great job.

Lee
Just read it, playful, entertaining. A nice break from the serious and brutal feud you had with Vengeance/Lars. As a big actor you know your a star, you can act cool, important, and most of all dress up and have no one say anything. Entertaining way to do the interview, Becky enjoyed it. You put over both your opponents (good work boss) while parlaying how you'll wind up on top against them. Good mention of the PPV match and an all-around solid RP. Not the finest one, but a great RP with nothing bad to speak of.

 

[Showtime]

Might as well finish the rest for tonight

Cory Payne
Let's break this into things you did well and things to improve on. Things you did well, good work on opening scene. Interview was very standard, short, but well done. Brought up has been the fact that Becky would probably ask more than a question, but you made up for it by giving her a long answer. Grammar was acceptable. You were also able to give some background and idea of who your character is to the reader, good thing to do for a new wrestler. Things to improve on, structure. My biggest complaint is the use of same colours for words and actions. A good idea is to use black font for actions as well as descriptions. Character seemed very bland. No emotion, nothing interesting about him yet. You also put over your opponent a touch too much, while pointing out a bum knee (yours unfortunately) and saying you'll still beat him. I wasn't believing your character and am unsure if I am to cheer for him because he's banged up, or boo him cause he's cocky. Improve on his direction and be more aggressive and attacking with his dialogue and I think you'll see much improvements in your next piece.

Matt Royale
I read it and all I think of is Johnny Rainbow from the Simpsons. "Privilege boy, I'm a privilege boy" How it sums up your character is that your better than us only cause you think you are. Royale, and this goes for Payne too, thinking your better than someone does not guarantee you'll be better them. Cockiness alone is not enough, you need more. True, I used the same thing you did, that Karnage uses his background and mental state to scare his opponents, but I also brought up why he's a fraud, how I'll deal with his said advantages, and showed no fear while addressing the full seriousness of the situation. You simply went, "I ain't afraid, cause I'm greatness and you'll all see when I beat him" There needs to be more, much more. Structure fine, nice breaks of action to break up dialogue. Writing's good, you just need to build on your character and give him more depth than a Pringles potato chip. Remember to read what you got and put yourself in his shoes, is that what he would say? is that how he'd feel? Give a little more attention to detail and read future opponents RP's and match results. This will help you find things to attack.

 

[NSL]

Might as well finish the rest for tonight

Cory Payne
Let's break this into things you did well and things to improve on. Things you did well, good work on opening scene. Interview was very standard, short, but, well done. Brought up has been the fact that Becky would probably ask more than a question, but you made up for it by giving her a long answer. Grammar was acceptable. You were also able to give some background and idea of who your character is too the reader, good thing to do for a new wrestler. Things to improve on, structure, my biggest complaint is the use of same colours for words and actions. A good idea is to use black font for actions as well as descriptions. Character seemed very bland. No emotion, nothing interesting about him yet. You also put over your opponent a touch too much, while pointing out a bum knee (yours unfortunately) and saying you'll still beat him. I was believing your character and am unsure if I am to cheer for him because he's banged up, or boo him cause he's cocky. Improve on his direction and be more aggressive and attacking with his dialogue and I think you'll see much improvements in your next piece.

Matt Royale
I read it and all I think of is Johnny Rainbow from the Simpsons. "Privilege boy, I'm a privilege boy" How it sums up your character is that your better than us only cause you think you are. Royale, and this goes for Payne too, thinking your better than someone does not guarantee you'll be better them. Cockiness alone is not enough, you need more. True, I used the same thing you did, that Karnage uses his background and mental state to scare his opponents, but I also brought up why he's a fraud, how I'll deal with his said advantages, and showed no fear while addressing the full seriousness of the situation. You simply went, "I ain't afraid, cause I'm greatness and you'll all see when I beat him" There needs to be more, much more. Structure fine, nice breaks of action to break up dialogue. Writing's good, you just need to build on your character and give him more depth than a Pringles potato chip. Remember to read what you got and put yourself in his shoes, is that what he would say? is that how he'd feel? Give a little more attention to detail and read future opponents RP's and match results. This will help you find things to attack.

Showtime pretty much summed up everything I was going to say. There was too much about yourselves, and it didn't really sell me on anything.

Lee - I like the new character, and it was a fun read, but reading "see" every few words got annoying pretty fast. You could have toned it down a bit, and still had it in there enough for a stereotypical 30's gangster. That's the only problem though, and it's relatively minor.

Criminal Karnage - Honestly, this is the first RP I've had a chance to read from you, and it seemed rather average. I get the metaphor you're putting out there, but it didn't seem like anything I thought your character would say. Maybe I had the wrong view, or maybe you went a different way, but it was merely OK. Better than your opponents, which is what matters in the long run, but it could have been better. I'll try to go back and read some other ones you've done.

 

[Lee]

Bratchny, Karnage and Royale---Feedback to follow.

Joshua the baptist

Erm...

Length; Far too short....I thought you liked 4000 word rps

Interviewer; You really should find out who they are.

crowd not croud.

I didn't like it, sorry.

 

[Lee]

FalKon...

Damn good RP, this is the sort of character that I can see doing well, it's an out there character different to everyone else. The content was good, the length was good and descriptions were good!

The only problem is there's no colour formatting, I found that hard to read.

 

[Lee]

If you look at other peoples Rps they do it like this;

Titus hey Becky, how's things?!

Becky I'm good thanks, you?

Titus Not too bad

So every person in the RP has a different colour when they speak.

 

[NSL]

Joshua the Baptist - Um, yeah. Lee covered it all pretty well. It was way too short, and you need a good lesson on who the interviewers are, and maybe a look at other RPs that have already been posted.

Falkon - It was a good RP. I don't really see too many problems with it, except that your app says the guy is a "closet homosexual", but it's not really a secret from that RP. Not exactly a problem with the RP, maybe just the character itself.

William Teach - Not a bad RP. It led into your character pretty well, but it had one glaring problem. You flirted with Becky! This has been done to death. At this point, there's no reason to ever believe she'd go for a rookie or mid-carder anyway, considering she seems to have her pick of the roster. It's best to leave the flirting out...

 

[Lee]

This is for DandV, I did PM it to him, but it's good for you guys to see my opinions on it all.

It was a decent RP, you're setting up the wrestling royalty thing very nicely. It also has an air on intruige, which I like.

The formatting is good, one thing though is to run a spell check, I did notice one or two mistakes, but that's me being picky!

The way I personally RP is base it on the same principles;

1) Somethng totally random which develops my character
2) adress last weeks match OR current feud not based to todays match
3) address match, your opponents etc.

I always go to build them up a lil bit and say that I could beat them but it'll be hard, that's my character though. For a heel I'd say that you shouldn't build them up or if you do mention how it doesn't matter.

That's how I do it, and I try and make it fun for myself, if it's a chore what's the point?!

 

[Lee]

Teach

The fact you started woth a flirt and ended with you essentially going for some sex is jsut stupid. It took away from the rest of the RP which is actually pretty good. The formatting, content and emotion was damn fine.

Just flirting with Becky has been done to death, are things really that bad you have to have a fake guy pull a fake announcer? Does that ever happen in WWE?

 

[Spaceman Spif]

I was wondering if I could get some feedback on my RP. I'd appreciate it.

 

[Lee]

people will issue feedback in due course, the best way to get it (in theory) is to offer feedback yourself

 

[Spaceman Spif]

Teach: Not bad, It was pretty decent, but as has been said, the whole flirting thing, is pretty old, everyone and their mother has done it to death. It's basic, but over all not bad at all, though I don't really get the reason for you guy to be in a Arcade playing pinball.

Ashleigh: Your first rp was pretty good, good establishment of character, though as it was stated, you played up the gay thing to much, if he is supposed to be a closet homosexual. However your second one left me confused, I wasn't sure what the point of the fight was or the rp. I didn't fully understand it, however all in all not bad, I enjoyed them.

Good job you two, I look forward to rping against you more, it's fun and best of luck to all of us huh? I think it's anyones game at the moment.

 

[Harthan]

Harthan Does Feedback

For the first time in forevaaah. Figured I'd set a good example. I'll post a second one when the RP boards close for everyone that RPs between now and then. Be warned that my feedback will probably be lean on praise and more keen to point out the bad. Don't take it to mean you're not doing well, per se, I'd just rather point out the mistakes so you can improve. You know what you're doing right, I presume. I'm also gonna be a grammar Nazi.

Mr. Baller

Grammar Nazi: "...there are a few reasons in which I would do such a thing" is incorrectly phrased. The phrase "in which" should be replaced with "why" for maximum effectiveness. "I wanted to make an impact unlike any of the others who just went straight into a match after winning a contract at Civil Revolution..." is well phrase, but between "impact" and "unlike", there should be a comma. "Those guys just came to get the paycheck, well I came to be different," should be two different sentences.

Grammar Nazi takes a break for a moment to point out something that is not necessarily a structure error, but cuts down on effectiveness. You repeat the phrase "make an impact" twice in the same paragraph, which makes it redundant. Not a problem per se, but it can be livened up for more effectiveness. Note that it is repeated again by Becky. Repetition can make reading things stale.

Grammar Nazi returns: "Well you see Blade can’t win through his own power." Should read: "Well, you see, Blade can't..." Commas are a man's best friend. "Starting from the battle royale I dominated Blade during that match" is a run on. Preferably, the first clause would be reworded to something like "Let's start from the battle royale." and the next sentence would be the original "I dominated..." clause. The sentence with all the commas that follows is technically incorrect also, but it's dialogue, so it's acceptable. The phrase "so Blade your welcome for that" sends sirens off and the Grammar Nazi is forced to point out that it's "you're" rather than "your". In the phrase "...but lets face it...", you missed an apostrophe.

Okay, so Grammar Nazi is done. Let's talk content. The mindfucking from Baller to Blade is a great angle, and Baller is working it well. Addressing Celeste, you took the obvious angle, but without a feud it's hard to get around that. Baller's character comes off as the cocky guy he should be. This is all very well done. Your formatting is proper and very agreeable to the eyes.

The Verdict: The biggest problem here are grammatical errors. Don't let these get you down, it's a personal thing on my end. Fixing them helps, of course. The RP taken as a whole is a very solid product: you build your character, address your feud, and discuss your match with the right amount of time. A very solid effort.

More to be edited in later...

 

[Phoenix]

Right, I promised to feedback and I'm going to do it. Going to do this by show so I don't get lost, starting on the completed matches and then the others.

House Show 1
Going to start here because it's always good to give new guys feedback.

William Teach vs Matthew Fox vs Ashleigh FalKon

Falkon

WZCW's newest enthusiast comes through with two RPs, lets see what we got here.

Firstly, great formatting, you definitely got the style of writing RPs down. Now as for the RP itself, it's good, it's solid, but it's how you portrayed your character. It's already been said that you're a "closet homosexual" and you were more public with it, so it doesn't need to be discussed as much as this was the main flaw. Otherwise it was a solid RP, just needs perfecting out.

RP two, I really felt it being a backstep if I had to be honest, it's nice that you've introduced your Vixen character already, but don't rush her in too quickly because atm you're still in development, get Falkon up first then Sandy unless she's playing a key role for Falkon's character. Where you managed to ammend the error of the closet factor, it makes me feel Falkon is weak compared to Sandy. While it's a nice introduction to her, it doesn't do Falkon much favour.

Aside from the setbacks stated, solid work and look forward to more.

William Teach

I liked how your character is a know it all and intelligent guy, it's a refresh of Matt Striker and I like the confidence he carries with him. As stated before, the flirting with Becky has been done to death, I even partially did it one time and eventually I joked about it when everyone did it to Stacey. It's not needed and if I had to be honest, the flirting brought your character down, without it this is a great RP. You made a good solid first impression, but take that flirting factor out and it's a good piece, look forward to more.


Matthew Fox

First advice, blue and bold do not mix well for reading. Always best to have actions done in black and bold, it's readable and it's the most effective style people use here. Slight errors in formatting with some bold lines appearing for speech moments, but other than the format was good.

What was the first name I thought of after reading this? Randal Keith Orton! You can feel him oozing through your RP and I liked how you have this approach, very creepy but yet you don't want to piss him off. I liked this RP. It was good, solid, we got a great insight into your character and you provided great responses to your opponent's RPs. I think this was a thoroughly thought out piece and I look forward to more.

PS - What is your profile picture? It didn't display when you posted in the application thread?


Obsidius vs Joshua the Baptist

JTB
First thing I would say is familiarise yourself with how people write their RPs. No one has ever come in and given half an RP to perfect it out later. You never made half an effort with your posts in the Debator's League. So why do it here?

Also, learn the names of the characters, the first rule of WZCW is that you MUST ROLE PLAY, you need to give it some more thought out, I liked the setting and what you played but a nameless interviewer is not good.

Also, format your posts abit better, I dislike having to read RPs where the speech parts are not a different colour to the action, it works sometimes, but it makes it too confusing.

Character wise, a good concept, I liked what he had to say and I think this could develop out, which is what I would like to see in your next RP. Think out his motives and display them, why is he coming here? What is his goal for WZCW, gold? righting wrongs? always wanted to wrestle? Give me more, but otherwise I like the potential Josh has.


Up next, Meltdown RPs

 

[Phoenix]

Meltdown 27

Rush vs. Corey Payne

Corey

Ok, a simple RP with things all out and done. Format is good aside from the mix of action and speech, Showtime said it right to seperate them when formatting. You get your details covered nicely, Becky was nicely used and you were treated as a new guy. Main criticism was the tweener contradiction, I was backing you as a face but you twist us with a heel like promo. This was one of my early mistakes, I said I respect a guy but I'd beat his ass anyway. You need to stick to one or the other, personally I liked you in the face part of the RP. But otherwise RP was short but in good detail. Sort out which side you're playing but otherwise it's good and nice good detail about you. Well done.

Rush

Firstly, big kudos for being able to post this RP with all the stuff you had going on, you're a real solid RPer and a good guy Jason, giving you props for this making time.

RPwise, I loved it. If there's one thing to use a guy's RP against them, this was a perfect example of that. Corey gave only the smallest info about this gym and you expanded it brilliantly. This nice and respective to Corey to give him some backing up to his story and this was great. I loved what you did with picture, you show respect by being in his place and then disrespect him because he's not yet proven to you, I love it!

Great piece, have a gold star on me.

Celeste vs. Baller

Personally I've been looking forward to this one after last week.

Baller
As I mentioned in my quick review in the discussion thread, the RP was much improved since last time out, you're getting more solid and you gave a good follow up to the recent actions around you, the battle royale and the interference, this part was great.

However, you did the one crime that everyone has done when against Celeste, you said you'll beat her because of her being a woman, as I said, she eats these for breakfast. I think the one advice I'd give for future match situations when against a veteran like Celeste, research. Know your opponent and what they have done, how she gets over every other guy, what makes her tick, this is what is needed, but you're getting into a habit and I'm liking your development, well done!

Celeste

One of my favourite RP veterans does it again! This was great and I have been loving how your RPs have been with the thoughts going on inside Celeste and the interviewer's head. I like how they fear yet respect Celeste but I really liked how you dominate the interview and don't give Stacey a chance. Furthermore, I'm liking the conflict that Celeste seems to be going through of late, looking forward to seeing where it develops.

A great response to the recent events, great stuff!


Zander vs. Frankie

Frankie

Again, another great respond to a loss last week. You're really getting into this character and I liked what Frankie had to say about his actions. We see his goal is still ahead of him (to win the World Title) and he wants to get rid of Frankie, goals, action and rivalries covered, all nicely put out.

Something just wasn't right about the formatting, colour wise it was fine, but it just seem to not work in some places, so a slight minor need for perfecting (sorry). But otherwise a great RP, this is becoming a hot feud and this is definitely a match to watch his week. Great work.

Zander

I think this RP was very back and forth. I wasn't too sure what to make of the opening, it was good setting up the scene about how Frankie's been, but you could have easily done it in the same scene as the second half of the RP, there was an obvious error with saying "because you got a girlfriend and you haven't", that one stood out badly to me. My other criticism was Stacey at the end, remember, she is a professional, where I think it's easy to write that her response is to slap, I think her professionalism would kick ahead.

Right that out of the system, on to the positive parts. It was nice and interesting way of reacting to the previous week and the events around you. Much like Blade, you're getting frustrated and it showed well and you didn't go over to a heel promo, you kept your face value here and it worked. I am abit curious about the suitcase really and what roll it will play at the PPV. This and Frankie's RP makes this match and feud a good one to watch. Keep it up, aside from the minor criticism I gave, it was nicely done.

FHD/Everest vs. Second Coming/Ricky

Ace and Everest know my feedback already, just awaiting to see what Ricky pulls off.

Garth Black

One fact I will be honest about is, I love your RPs. They have such a charisma and charm about them, especially what's been happening recently. Now this is the turn of a face Garth and this one was a great number. I liked what you had to say, you still make a joke reference to your feud with Becky, always a plus for continuity.

You great things to say about you, Phoenix, Ricky, Everest & the Daves, you got alot of people covered. A thorougly thought out piece and I like how this match is important to you but, your ultimate goal is the tag titles. You put it out nice and thoroughly and you still have that same charisma that you had from a heel, never easy to carry when turning, but you did it!

This one of the reasons I've enjoyed feuding with you and Phoenix, great work and bring on the PPV!

Phoenix
I like what has been occuring with Phoenix since that brill RP you did at Civil Revolution. The RPs have developed and evolved greatly and this was another fine example of it. A good feel of Phoenix as a character and really wanting his destiny fulfilled at the PPV. You had some good words about us, Everest and Ricky. Nicely flowed out.


Ty vs. Drake

Ty

Week in and week out, Ty continues to be scarier and scarier. It's no wonder you're the EurAsian Champion with RPs like these week after week. I've always enjoyed Ty and I liked it this week because it was promising three things, a great match, championships and also the following. Ty has always been interesting but it never stops and this a new dimension to him. I look forward to seeing more about the following and certainly the PPV. I like how you attack Drake so well but also give him the promise of allowing him to get to the PPV, it just makes it more...creepy.

Brilliant work!


Last but not least
Karnage vs. Matt Royale


Royale

Newcomer Royale says quite a good number of things, but I like how you attack Karnage because he doesn't fear him. This air of confidence is nice about him the interaction with Becky is quite like Garth Black's. I think like Showtime said, it's one thing to talk the talk, but can you walk the walk? I understand you're new and it's easy to make a statement like that, but I say give more to pan it out.

Have a think about wrestlers who are portrayed as royalty and see how they do, Randy Savage, Owen Hart, Kurt Angle, Booker T. Great examples to look up. I think after this match, we'll definitely see more, the first RP after winning a contract can be a hard one, you did a decent attempt, but I look to see what else he has to provide, good effort.


Karnage

I did enjoy this one, but we've talked about it behind the scenes anyhow




Will add other RPs for Meltdown in here when posted.

Ascension to come up abit later.

 

[Phoenix]

Ascension

Right after a nice and very filling curry, here goes the rest.

Bratchny vs. Reidar

Bratchny

I thought the opening was very moving, you really have taken Swindle as a big part of your character and it's further developing Bratchny as he copes without a mouthpiece or leader in his life. I just abit confused by the women, I get that they were stalkers and knew alot about them, but I wasn't sure of their purpose. I assume this will develop out, but I wasn't too big a fan of them, I liked it when you worked with Swindle's wife, and I think that I would have liked to have seen a final conclusion with those two before bringing in the girls. Otherwise the RP is good and a nice read!


Lars

I think where the issue of continuity has been questioned earlier because of Swindle being dead already, I could somehow still believe it, like he re-created this deliberately to get under Bratchny's skin. It's quite a dark RP and given you've finished up one of the greatest feuds of recent times, the moment you've carried comes across. This RP makes this match and the match at AON more than just any match, you manage to make it feel like a rivalry because you've had past encounters. Your RP is a great piece, they always work to drive the best out of each match you're in. It's dark, deep and really gets you. Great work as usual!


Elite X Triple Threat Match

Titus

A nice new dimension to Titus, after the serious work you've done with the feud with Vengeance/Lars, it's nice to see Titus having a perk up and going back to his origins. I would if this could work with different cameos a week. You give respect and props to your opponents, a really good RP all together. Energetic and fun. Lets see what your opponents do!

Kyle
While I liked the detail and the reflection of events this RP had, but this was too short. The best thing it really did was remind us of your accomplishments and what you plan to do. There was so little to go on. What you gave was good, but if it was in more detail this could have been an excellent RP. Sorry to be blunt, but that's how I felt your RP could have been alot stronger.

USA
While this was better than Kyle's, it wasn't as strong as Titus. It gave nice detail about your previous match and your previous occasion for challenging for the belt. That being said, it just didn't feel like USA was motivated to go for the belt. The line which does that is "All I need is the Corps. All I need is here, in this building, this heart, this mind, and this flag." I know it mentioned all you need is the opportunity, but if these are all you need, what is the Elite X belt to you? I didn't feel like this belt wasn't the bigger deal, but just to fight was. I wasn't a big fan of the formatting either and you're always good with that this week. I know you must hate me because I constantly criticise you, but I like you really FTS!


Murfish vs. Blade

Blade

I think I would name this as one of the RPs of the week. Format and direction were brilliant and you covered everything that's going on, and it's alot, Sanna, Karnage, Baller and even have room for Murfish. The approach is that Murfish isn't important to you because you don't know what's happening as anyone seems to be on to you at thie time. The flow is right and this is a brill pick up from the previous week, you can feel the atmosphere and feelings Blade is having. Superb work!


Chambers vs. Steel

Steel

This was a good RP, I liked how the win didn't satisfy you, you don't accept it, you want to show you're more than a finisher and you can feel the frustration, I liked it, very thorough and I liked what you had to say about the previous week and the match with Marcus. You take one of the factors of his character and show that you don't see the point in it, a nice touch there.

Only criticism is Stacey, she starts and ends rightfully as a heel, but she as a Becky like attitude in the middle. I don't think Stacey would give as much feeling as Becky would to your situation, but she is quite a hard character to get around at times. But otherwise nicely done!

Chambers
I quick like this one. Where Chambers has been quite a racially strong character, this was a nice ease back on it. Yes, the race was played, but not too aggressively, which makes me like it. We have a nice backdrop to your character and get to feel some of that anger and rage you have that you're unleashing on the WZCW. The length was just right and this was played out well. You responded to Steel's comments well and there's a nice motivation about your character to win here. Great stuff!


Mayhem Championship/EurAsian Number One Contenders Match

Showtime

Another superb piece by the Show, but again my issue is the length. I liked that it was in two parts (technically) and I think the Stacey part was brilliant by itself, aside from the flirting, but you did it with a difference which is why I won't drag you down on it. I think my favourite certainly had to be "We are going to have amazing sex one day", I don't care what anyone else thinks, but this made me laugh out loud due to the context of you saying it.

You got a lot off your chest and I think it was done well. My only suggestion is to see about using one half or the other, both were great, but sometimes too much can be a problem. It's all great, granted. But as I said last week, you could easily cut off a paragraph or two and it will still be great. Great job and I enjoyed the Show anyhow!

Milenko

Right this is the one where you asked about what's wrong with your RP to cause the losing streak. I will answer that in a moment.

This was an interesting approach for your RP, I liked how we got to a creepy concept of Milenko and got a few 'Ty' moments in there as it reminded me of his RPs. It was interesting showing the idea of how the match will pan out and the detail was small about each segment (in Milenko's words) but that added to the creepy factor about what he plans to do to Showtime. It was nice and worked for Milenko's character,

Now in answer to the question regarding what's wrong. To be frank, nothing is wrong with the RPs, it's just on this occasion, you got the difficult task of responding to Showtime was really did set the mark for this week. I think you managed to pull out a good RP and it was just right given the new side of Milenko. I just think that Showtime really pulled out one of his best RPs this week. So it's a case of, nothing was much wrong about it, it worked for a dark matter and I'd like to see more of this. It's just Showtime did pull off a brilliant RP which is hard to match. In my honest opinion. I hope that helps.

 

[Mantaur Rodeo Clown]

Matthew Fox

This was a very cool and creepy sort of heel promo. It was good, most definately, and the cold calculating heel will really work here. The only problme I sort of had with it was the formatting, just a bit hard to read sometimes. Go for some darker colours to ease it up a bit.
Also massive props for taking my attack on your texas cloverleaf and running with it.

Would anyone be interested in taking a look at my and FalKon's joint RP?

 

[Phoenix]

Would anyone be interested in taking a look at my and FalKon's joint RP?

Had a look. It's ok, but if I had to be honest, it takes away the effect of your first RPs. The only way joint RPs work are in tag team matches when they're your partner, if you do joint RPs when you're opponents, it takes the effect away of trying to win the match, I know that where it's a house show and the winner of the match doesn't matter as much on this occasion, it's good, but it's not effective for single match RPs. This sort of stuff is more for backstage segments on the show as opposed to using for RP material, a good attempt nonetheless but it not's going to be as effective in the long run, despite original thinking.

But I suppose we could make a tag team out of you two

 

[Spaceman Spif]

Would anyone be interested in taking a look at my and FalKon's joint RP?

I like the originalty, joint rp's where they are opponents are rarely done, I believe because obviously you would think one would try to outshine the other. However you two really didn't do that, it was pretty equal and showed that you two while opponents, also seem to know deep down you are one the same side. So not bad. Good job.

 

[NSL]

Rafael De La Nacho: I liked this RP. It was a big step up from your last one. You addressed the loss in the best possible way for your character, and obviously schooled yourself on your upcoming opponent.

Chambers: I have to be careful what I say here, since we are opponents this week. I like the opening of the RP, and how you discuss your upbringing. As far as commenting on our match, it made the character sound a little hypocritical. I won't judge it though, since that may have been your intent, but it definitely stood out. That's either a job well done, or something you need to put some work into for the next show.

 

[Viola Moonlight]

I like the originalty, joint rp's where they are opponents are rarely done, I believe because obviously you would think one would try to outshine the other. However you two really didn't do that, it was pretty equal and showed that you two while opponents, also seem to know deep down you are one the same side. So not bad. Good job.

Well, our RP did the job.

About your RP's, great job in executing your character well & how the two intertwined with each other. Flawless in content, except for the colour coding issues. But, since that does not really count... I believe you will go a long way with these sorts of promo's. That human fireball seems rather graphic, which I loved.

Keep up the good work man.

 

[NSL]

Kyle Christansen: I like the point of your RP, but the execution could've been a bit better. It was short, which usually doesn't matter, but you could've gone a bit more in depth. It looks like you rushed to get it in by the deadline.

USA: Second verse, same as the first. It looks rushed, and could've been drawn out a little more. The whole "relationship" with the valet is a little odd, since nothing is made clear about it, and it seems to change from week to week. The chanting at the end was a bit odd for two reasons. I thought you were a heel, and even if you are a face, I doubt they'd cheer USA over Titus, who is one of the top 2 faces in the fed.

 

[Showtime]

Ty Bruna
Brilliant and engaging as always. Ty is quite the unique character and I always enjoy reading. Good coverage of your match with Bratchney and how you feel you deserve his place instead. And then you did a tremendous job attacking your upcoming opponents (and were about the one person, RP'er or listed on the Roster Page, that actually included Milenko as a possible opponent. Hmmm, I smell a WWE type spoiler). You've been dominate since our arrival and know how to use it. When you do lose (and if as well) I can't wait to see a recovery piece by you. Looking forward to see how the stable thing works out, great Job.

Drake Callahan
First, loved Max Powers (total rip-off from the Simpsons by the way), he is the perfect compliment to Drake in that he's nothing like Drake. It's clear you've made him out to be a serious heel to Drakes fun loving drunk face, so I can expect a lot of good humour and some heel/face mix-ups between you two in the future. Dialogue was good as always, and I laughed my ass off when 'Showbiz' came up and the udder confusion Drake had with my name and Drake snoozing after Max's 'Power' speech. I like the direction your pushing and the addition of Max will only add to your already awesome RP's. One note, already made on Ty's feed, the fact Milenko doesn't come up as a possible opponent. However including him and the reasons why may have stretched your RP out to ungodly lengths so not a big concern. Great Work Big H.


Excellency
I like the character. It's good to see you (and NSL) bringing in characters with morals and strong beliefs. With Father Handley at your side, you are able to deflect the negative from your loss to Chambers and use it to focus yourself on De La Nocha, pointing out his flaws and mistakes and how you will capitalize on him. You put him over well, while acknowledging that he carelessly makes mistakes and that will be his down fall. Your side story, your friend is healing quite nicely and you feel your closer at getting to who hurt him. Very interesting stuff. The writing is good, kinda short but is in the acceptable range of a good RP. Since your character is fairly polite low on emotional outbursts, I might suggest adding a bit more description to your pieces, to give it just a little bit extra. Good work LJL

Rafael De La Nocha
Royalty doesn't care about the door unless it's his. Good opener to show right off the bat your angry. I like your dialogue for Stacey, most I seem to have a problem with, but yours is how I'd imagine her talking. Good job attacking Steel and his lack of wrestling background, opposite of you. Your transition from depression to excitement and anticipation was done smoothly (nice use of Stacey on that) Good comments of Excellency and how he'll be desperate for a win, but the kicker thou, your more desperate. Other comments, a slight over use of the word rematch and getting one with Steel. While a fan of continuity, I don't like to see it take up your whole RP (You didn't, but just a reminder), especially if your new. Build on your own storylines and keep developing your characters speech, it's coming along great. Your storyline you started, the title belt you carry. It had only a brief mention. Try using it more. It is your obsession, so look proud while carrying it, or use it as reason you won't fall. I'd like to see your character use it as a weapon in matches, but that is something you should take up with creative. Good work Marquis

More to come

 

[Showtime]

Murfish
Another exciting psychedelic trip. Your RP's are some times so bizzare they could be real or imagined. Started out really interesting. The Murfishies squabbles and worries were amusing and fortunately you didn't go too off topic in this and drew attention back to your ring performance and you opponent. Your attacks and remarks against your opponent were alright, but pretty general and rather vague. It's been like that on many of your last RP's. I would've liked to see Murfish (you) leave the room and made one last mark to leave us all knowing your going to hurt/beat Blade. Instead, the bosses handed you the rough outline and you left us all in suspense. Still, I think your getting more on track with your RP's. Good work.

House Show 1-To all posters
Generally speaking, you only ever do two RP's for PPV's or if there's a connection, not this non-televised house show. None the less you all had some reason or another to use a second one so whatever. I'm going to not go in order of RP's and give you feedback and both at the same time.

Ashleigh FalKon
NSL hit it square on on the first one. Did not act much like a closet homosexual, hell I don't think Leon's ever been hit on that by a women before. I've read some of your posts and like in your RP's your writing is good. You balance your RP's out well with dialogue and description, thou I would suggest separate paragraphs for them so I don't have to follow the bouncing Bold initials indicating speaker. The first one was good, a little silly. Your very imaginative with your story and reactions. It took a while to get on topic, but you addressed your opponents and yourself well. It's a first RP, everyone wants to present what their character is like in those early ones. Stay on topic with the matches, opponents, and mood more next time and it'll be better. The second one, a female introduction and small cleanup of your character. It was unnecessary towards the match and actually made your character look weaker. But I know your intention was to introduce Sandy and more from open to closet so well done on that.

William Teach
Easiest text I ever had to read so good start way off the bat. Teach is an interesting guy, playful, but large and intimidating. Aside from the amusing and slightly interesting start there was not much direction of seriousness to it. You really disregarded your opponents in your match, a bold move, but only works if there is something else in your RP to back that lack of concern. I read about the cloverleaf and it was a good call to point it's significant out to you, but really nothing was said about what you'll do to them, how you will win, or even that you want to wrestle. Second one was a joint production and since it really only benefited FalKon I'll have reason to believe he had more to do with it. Again the RP was fairly pointless towards the match and the opponents and only echoed what FalKon had said in his first RP.

Matthew Fox
Brilliant first RP. Solid story, strong dialogue. It is very apparent that you've been doing this a while. Your character has deep history and definite attitude. I liked both the opening re-introduction and the interview with Becky. There was definitely a chilling factor and a sense you were very powerful and could back it up. Every action had a purpose, every reaction and reason. You could've beat them with just the one RP, so the other is unnecessary. Number two was right on par with number 1, entirely different but great. I sense this a personal lash towards your opponents and how they represent todays. Personal opinion agreeing, looking at it for your RP, it was a good way to get your feelings and anger across to the match. This again showed us more about your character and added to the match, but I think you had them beat with the first one alone, so this one was guilty pleasure. Welcome to WZCW. I look forward to working with you.

Houseshow 2
Joshua
Always ask questions you have in the discussion thread before posting or tell someone. We are all here to help. This was interesting, an interview before a match. We have interviewers in WZCW and you should've checked ahead of time as well. A religious character, we got another one in excellency and you seem to be the opposite side of the book. The wrath and suffering type, it could work way down the road. Dialogue was alright, but the whole thing was really short. More focus on the match and opponent, and get a color for your character, black is lazy. And wait till your RP is exactly how you want it, that is why we have long deadlines. And don't be afraid to ask questions.

Obsidius
All honesty, I didn't bother reading much of it. Not that that Viscera size paragraph may not have been good, but that it was so bunched together it would've been almost impossible to read, let alone to enjoy. And while the idea of using a match to push your character can be a good idea, it works best when it's short clips of highlights, not entire match. We have people here who write matches, you write the promos for them, why we should care about your character and what he brings to the table. You can write that you beat a 100 men in one match, but the writers may still write you to loss to the smallest wrestler. Much work needs to be done. I recommend looking the roleplay archives and try reading a few for some ideas.