RP Feedback Thread

[Showtime]

Feedback for the Battle Royale because they're new and need it the most.

Frankie Smith
Your improvement is noticable. What I would like to suggest to improve your writing before I dive into the content of your piece is to put spaces after your commas and periods and to probably use less, it will make it easier to read. Also, while I knew when your character was talking and doing actions, you should really use different colour font when describing his actions and when he's talking. I noticed you use italics to distinguish them and that's fine, but it's just a suggestion.

Your character is a slight different cut from the other heels here. While most are cocky, yours seems deranged and dangerous, both are good things. The scene and description is well done and the addition of a trainer adds more to your character. I hope you continue using one. What I can suggest is you need more depth in your RP and more dialoge. Since your character isn't much of a talker, try including the trainer more as a mouth piece, warning us of the fury of Frankie. Getting better.

Zander
Much improved this time around. Your character seems to have come full circle with what needs to be done. I hope you don't lose entirely the humourous side of your character, but this at the moment is the kind of RP you needed for your charcater. He's learned from his mistakes and seems focused and ready now for the challenge ahead. The writing flowed and it was an enjoyable read. With the huge amount of heels we have and you being a face, you shouldn't have too much of a problem getting a contract.

Ty Bruna
Scary stuff. Scary good and scary scary. You got a good grasp of your character and your writing is solid. Your dialogue works well with the descriptions you give. Obviously, because your character is new and haven't feuded with anyone yet you are limited to what u can write about, but u managed to keep me, and probably others, very interested in your character and I can't wait to see how you work against others. Great job.

Sanna
Good stuff, albeit a little on the light side. You talk a bit about your opponents which is good. I'm curious about this person you speak vaguely of who helped u untap your full potential and I hope we see more about him and your characters past. Anyway, it was good starting RP, but a little more depth and description will be needed for future RP's.

Criminal Karnage
Your an intimidating mother f'er. I liked the description you provided for the RP. Very well detailed, the convict character is a good idea. I'm not sure from reading your RP though which side of the character coin u are, a heel or a face. You obviously have the heel physique and the heel background. But when ur character speaks, he seems remorseful and grateful to have found a purpose in life. I expect ur future RP's will help clear this confusion of whether he's a face or heel. It was interesting, at times humourous, and u had me into it the whole way. Good job.

Rush
A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride, Today's Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride. Enough about Rush though. It was a good RP. You had me for a bit and I was going to question your face character having heel moments, but it turned out to be a swerve. That's good that your a realist, as we've had people come in expecting to be pushed right to the top, but it doesn't happen. While your RP was well written and the pace was steady, nothing really about it jumped at me and got me into your character. You talked a lot about WZCW and the competition you will be having, but for your next RP's, I want to see a little more about your guy. Good RP And Best of Luck to everyone in the match.

As for everyone else's feedback, I'll do it when I damn well feel like it, hopefully by Friday

 

[Thriller Ant]

I'll give this feedback thing a try. Remember, this is just my opinion and I have no say at all in the outcomes.

WZCW Title Match

Vengeance: I loved it. It had the perfect balance of creepiness and intensity. I felt like he could snap at any time, but at the same time was in complete control over his actions. Vengeance wants the title, and this RP shows that he will do whatever he can to acquire it. 9/10

Steamboat Ricky: It was pretty good. I understand you were rushed to get this in, and in all honesty it shows. It was a good RP, but you had a tough act to follow. 6/10

Driveby Express vs. TM/Cougar

James Baker: For some reason, I just couldn't get into it. I don't understand why the agent is there, and I really felt that he, along with the side story of the Lakers tickets, pulled the focus of the RP away from the match. When you were talking about the match, however, it was well done. Mentioning that you have never been pinned is a nice touch. 5.5/10

David Cougar: I really enjoyed it. You took what you did in the Unscripted match, and put thoughts to it, which I thought was great. It is tough to take something involving a character you created and put your own thoughts to it, and you did an amazing job. The calling out of your partner was also very well done. I could easily see a paragraph like that in a WWE or TNA promo. 8/10

Trademark: Good job. You did very well to react to your partner's RP. You addressed the issues he brought up and did well to correct them. 6.7/10

That's it for now, I'll be back later with more

 

[Showtime]

More feedback

Vengeance
What more can I say, I loved it. You set the tone early with the seriousness the interviewer Becky felt about the situation, her fear. Then you turned it all on her head by appearing as everything she wouldn't expect, which is the even scarier thing. The writing was brilliantly done, the pace was great as your character was in complete control of the situation, directed the proper emotions as they came. Your character is among my favourites on here and this piece was definitely worthy of the win you got.

Steamboat Ricky
I heard about this being a rush job and it only shows a little in the length. I don't know much about history here, but if this is your characters first WZCW title then it was a fitting RP. The description was good, your character basked in the joy of victory, and then I guess in a way your guiding spirit, addressed the seriousness of the situation of being a target. All the writing was good, the only thing it seemed was a little short, otherwise we know it would've been great like all the ones that lead u to victory. How many of those were wins by no-show, lol. Good job


Everest
Solid RP. As always, you laid out the setting and the tone well in the beginning. We see the cracks beginning to chink in your characters suit of armor. He's becoming frustrated already about not being champion and it shows. The pace of the RP was a nice steady one and your character used all the proper emotions well for his situation. I look forward to your characters further heel development. Since I'm having trouble finding fault, a darker colour for the interviewer font would definitely make it an easier read.


Big Dave
I'm undecided about RP's that are live. On the one hand they are a good idea, but on the other hand they seem silly if I were to respond to them in an RP that claims to be before MD. I comment only because I like your openings and the way you use history of WZCW and research prior RP's and results. The RP was well done. What I like most is how you've begun to use less of Ace and say more about yourself. You having Ace in them and vise versa has been able to make all your RP's solid, but we see less of each of you individually. I've fought you many times, but the only thing I can come up with about your character and is gimmick is he's a fan and now he's wrestling, a Maven if you will. This time, you talked more about yourself and showed a little attitude and confidence. I suggest trying to build on that and add more about who your character is. Good RP

Milenko
I don't know what it was (maybe it was all the readiing of other RP's), but I wasn't that crazy about your RP. The writing was of course well, but to me the descriptions, which described such rage and anger, were never equalled by the words, which to me fell flat at times. They were accurate words and at times when a calmer anger was in order they matched the mood and hit on the money, but when you really needed to explode, it never came. It was a solid RP and I enjoyed it very well. You set your feud with Drake over the next 3 weeks.

Drake
Another gem Harthan. It was sad that no one came to your party, but it was another hilarious RP. Your writing is amazing and the verbal ping pong action with you and Becky is always entertaining. It's good to see the title hasn't changed you. Once the fun ended, you addressed the mood of the situation with you and Milenko is well and as always used your best weapon, defending your opponents attacks on you with drunken delight. Nobody is a match for that defense. I hope we work against each other is the euroasian tourny. Great RP.

 

[Dave]

Feedback for the posted RP’s so far.

I dunno how much my opinion really counts for right now as I am just new to the eFed but I thought that I would post up my thoughts on the RP’s that have been put in so far. I may not know what creative are looking for but I don know what I like to read and enjoy so here goes…

Hiphopapotamus: I am Scottish!…Nah I am kidding. I thought this was a good RP, even though in my humble opinion it could have been a little bit longer. But you know what they say, it’s Quality not quantity that wins the match. As far as quality goes, I liked it. It was well written and quite detailed. I think it gave us a good idea of your character and his mannerisms. I thought he was witty ad it kept me engrossed for the extent of it. Good effort.

Big Pimpin: This was hilarious at times and the quality is plain to see in my opinion. It was well written and I also liked how you referred back to previous matches and feuds. Your character seems really awesome and well created with a lot to him in terms of talent. It gives you a lot to write about I bet.I also love the little bits of humour throughout, humour is something I look for when reading RP’s and yours was hell-a-funny! Really good.

Pheonix: There is a reason you are one of my favourite posters on here. It is even more evident when posting your RP’s. The detail you write when you post is excellent. As for the RP itself, it was really good! It was perfectly written and a pleasure to read. I was interested to hear from you as you are the ref and I knew it was gonna be different. Great RP/

MDPUNK: I really enjoyed this RP. It was strange because I scarcely know why. Don’t get me wrong, It was a great RP, well written, different, funny at times. I think just because of the detail you gave it was as if I could actually imagine it happening. I really, really enjoyed this RP for some reason. It was just the right length imo. Not too long that it seems like a chore and not to short that it didn’t have enough in it. Solid stuff.

 

[Showtime]

Tag Match
James Barker

Individually, I felt your RP's were a little light, but together they did well. I like how you used the past and brought up your opponents prior issues. The dialogue was fine, some points I can come up with. There didn't seem to be a whole lot of anger in these pieces. You should be mad some ' queer' and 'lightning bolt guy' beat you and put that rage forward, combined with you guys getting another shot, and direct it at your opponent. Also the whole 'like thing' you have with Becky is really hit or miss at times. You should try one time to stretch out your characters persona with another interviewer, perhaps show your angry side or intimidate them. I also recommend you continue using Malik to push you, there can be much advantages to having an agent. Good work and hope your partner comes threw for u this week.

Big Dave

Yaa, you mentioned me twice, Showtime, Cougar! It was a good piece. Obviously a cut different from a normal one cause this time your a ref and not in a match. Your not trying to win a match with your best RP, so you can use this to explain whatever you want. Not that it really matters, but I would've like to see a little more dialogue about your last match, how it was to face competitors like Drake and Milenko and how they may have gotten the better of you this time, but that you would be back to get them soon again, something like that. You displayed a bit of defensiveness, which always is intriguing. Your characters the good clean Rocky Maivia type, but he won't back down if someone tries to pull something over him. The ending was a perfect one that left me with a smile. Good job.

Phoenix

I call gimmick infringement, lol. Naw man, since I don't know how long you've been here so I'll assume you used a TV first. I like how used it to set up your RP, highlighting all the key moments. I see a lot of my character in yours. He seems to be much farther along then mine is now, more bitter and angry than before. He is extremely confident in himself and blames circumstances, not himself or others. While you explained the situation you feel very well, you were light on the subject of your opponents. Shrugging them off does give off the air of confidence you wish to have, but no opponent should be ignored. What you did to replace it however, which was also good, was explain your dissatisfaction about a guest ref and that no matter the obsticles, you and Garth will be victorious. I liked it, Great RP and thanks for the feedback last time.

 

[Showtime]

More feedback...

Criminal Karnage
I'm scared I'll lose. That's how good I thought your first RP was. Your description of the setting was a delightful start to read. I've noticed in all your RP's your quick and often to point in numerous ways how much bigger and stronger you are to every one and every thing. Not a bad thing, really gets out the message you want, that your big and strong, but I just see a lot of them. You continued that confident attitude you had with Becky on your last phone call and seemed unworried about anything really. This is good, as you don't want to fall into stereo typically dumb strong criminal. Then at the mention of your opponent, you snap into a state of intense seriousness, but ur able to control it and instead do what your opponent's strength is a verbally point out why you'll win. Your character has an interesting past and I want to learn more about him.

Your second piece I also liked. It was another well written one, and further described who your character is. A descriptive piece worked as another long one where you attacked your opponent again would've been over kill (i know, I've done it before) A good character builder, what I will warn is too much too soon. You don't want to exaust all your good ideas to early and too soon. You threw about everything and the kitchen sink at me and to top all this will be a challenge, one I'm sure your already looking forward to. There is good thing in mystery. I liked them both.

David Cougar (mine)
Loved it, comment on it, next.


Anoki
A revival in your work, I loved it. This is the Anoki from your first RP's. He is angry at himself and the world he is now in and trys to make sense of it all. I love your banters with Klamour, but they should be used like this, in small and humours instances, not the bulk of your RP. Leon brings in the seriousness of your sit down protest and you still refuse and then Becky comes in. I've noticed you've been saving for her for sometime now and using the real life thing that just about everyone uses Becky and not Klamour (a reason why I used Klamour for my Unscripted RP, plus I also rarely use interviewers). I find that funny. She is able to shake you out of your trans and pull you from the darkness and now you appear as focused and as ready as ever to believe again. Great job.


Sanna
I can only assume that with a mystery opponent who won't be writing an RP that you'll win, so congrats. If not, then fuck man you got screwed. Anyway, I like your Character. It's good to see someone try a deranged Mankind like character. The dialogue was good, the seriousness of the situation well articulated and the anger your opponent feels well spoken. He is sick, which I like. One thing I can recommend is more description, particularly of the setting and when actions happen. A beginning description about how dark and wet and cold the boiler room was would've really set the tone early. That and when you grabbed Becky, a little description there too about Becky slipping into the darkness would've made it an easier read. Aside from that, it was a good RP.

 

[Showtime]

More feedback

Mystery opponent
Mondragon

A well written RP. The greatest challenge for you is that little is known about your character. I briefly scimmed over your application to get a better idea of who you are. You exude confidence, but at the same time your humble and polite, the perfect combination for someone who could be a major player. Already you appear to be a big deal, replacing a big name in a big tourny. You chose not to discuss too much about who your character, which leave me with wanting to know more. I would've liked to see more about him now, but given the rush situation that you are being brought in to fight somebody, you handled it well. Your character has morals, something lacking in WZCW's now cast of oddball characters. He wants no advantages against his opponent and just wants to wrestle one on one with someone who knows nothing more about him than he does. You left me wanting more and I can't wait to see what you can do after you get your feet in the water. Well done.


USA
The biggest complaint I have is the length. Like myself, Trademark and Anoki, this is a big step for us to re-establish our characters now that we have left the tag division and have settled in the singles. You didn't re-establish your character and why we should care about him again. You skimmed over a lot of the issues and topics you dealt with. What you did talk about was well done, but more details needed to be made such as examples, feelings, promises, anger, and description of setting. Another thing I found off was your character alignment (face or heel). I know your bio says mega face, but I just think the military gimmick, especially in today's society works better as a heel, forcing his moral values and opinions down on society. Sargant Slaughter would be hated in today's era and you come off like that as well. I'm sorry to come off so hard as I usually enjoy your RP's, but this one I felt needed more. Take it more as suggestions than critisim.

Ty Burna
I liked it. You countered all of USA's points that he made with his RP. You laid out the setting well. We learn a little more about your characters horrific past and learn more about your psychotic nature. The Ouija is an intriguing idea, as well as the person who taught u pain. I wish to learn more as your character progresses. One thing I noticed, and maybe I'm just crazy, but it seemed repetitive at times, contiuously talking about your opponents values and beliefs and asserting your owns. Again, it didn't take away from your RP, but just something I n oticed. The pace was well and the ending was awesome and scary. Great job.

Spagetti is ready so I'll do more feedback later.

 

[Ty Burna]

Ty Burna
I liked it. You countered all of USA's points that he made with his RP. You laid out the setting well. We learn a little more about your characters horrific past and learn more about your psychotic nature. The Ouija is an intriguing idea, as well as the person who taught u pain. I wish to learn more as your character progresses. One thing I noticed, and maybe I'm just crazy, but it seemed repetitive at times, contiuously talking about your opponents values and beliefs and asserting your owns. Again, it didn't take away from your RP, but just something I n oticed. The pace was well and the ending was awesome and scary. Great job.

I agree with you 100% on the repetitiveness. The problem I had was I kinda wrote myself into a corner and actually went back and edited a couple things to try and prevent that from happening. I had the ending in my head, but somewhere in the middle I had a mild case of writer's block so I hooked onto USA's talking about his values and morals, and I figured that would hit hard against an opponent who's gimmick is based on standing up for the morals and values of his country.

Anyway on to some feedback:

James Baker:Not bad but I think you would be better off if you put together one longer fleshed out RP instead of two lighter ones that talk virtually about the same thing. I would use Malik more as your mouthpiece instead of James and Malik fighting over speaking time. Overall though I would say you're doing well but I would just add length to one RP and add a little meat to it and you should be fine.

Big Dave:Very nice, I will admit it would be difficult to have to make an RP for being the ref for a match, but I think you pulled it off very well here. It was refreshing to see a legit face promo done for a change. I like the interactions you have with your partner Ace and how you feed off each other's RP's. A job well done.

Karnage:I like your character, and I like how you show off the intensity he gives off. Overall as far as your RP's go, I would say the length is there, but just something is missing that I can't put my finger on quite yet. Also, if you are to make two RP's, I would maybe make one, and then after your opponent responds, make an RP reacting to points made by your opponent. Sometimes a back and forth exchange like that can really bring the focus on your match in a big way. Just like in the WWE, they make points about each other and then respond back to those points, they don't just sit there cutting promo after promo without reacting to their opponent's reasoning. Obviously with this tournament just beginning, there isn't a real feud to go with but just something to consider for the future.

Cougar: I love your RP all around, it gives off a bit of comedy before turning into a serious promo against your opponent. I also like the talk show bit and it would be an awesome idea to have a guest of some sorts if you plan on using this idea in the future. I really hope we get to face off sometime in the near future, because I think you and I could have some excellent RP's against one another.

More feedback when I get around to it.

 

[Showtime]

6-man tag match. Bozzy asked for it, Bozzy gets his first.

Carmen Bratchny
Epically good. I love all your RP's and this one was right up there with them. The thing I love most about your RP's is they're very storybook. There is a continuous plot going on and every week I am excited to learn more about it. This week's one was especially exciting due to the tragedy that happened to your manager. Will it turn out to be a swerve or is it the real deal. Either way, the important thing is your characters reaction which is bang on to what you needed. You feel responsible about what happened to your manager and asserted yourself in the main event picture. He's kinda like Umaga when he lost Armondo, unleashed and dangerous. commenting now on you, your writing is solid as always. Your very good with dialogue between people, something I avoid. You explain it all well, with good detail and a good pace, I can always picture in my head everything you say. Keep these up and Ricky won't hold that title for much longer.

Ace David
Good RP. We see small cracks in your character. After all that success he's been having, now he's hit a little speed bump and appears frustrated and annoyed. Yet despite all that happens, you proudly and confidently fall back on your accomplishments and use them to push yourself as a dangerous threat. Obviously you have to be upset losing to a girl, but remember that BigWill lost to her, so it's not a big deal. I say that because you responded correctly to it by not mentioning much on it and asserted your status as champion and that you'd beat all new comers. The mention of who'd you'd be facing and your reaction was excellent. Like a kid in a candy store, you're thrilled to be in a match with all the big players, even if they don't all know your name (I always lol when I see someone mix u and big dave up) The writing was good, keep it up.

Everest
Another solid work. We continue to see more of the slow heel turn of Everest. I like when we see a character slowly change sides as opposed to a sudden unexpected move that changes them. It makes it more exciting to see a hero fall to bad or a heel realize his error in time because when know it will happen, we just don't know when. Everest was made to be a heel and it'll go great with his larger than life lifestyle. The anger you show is good as you have to not only be concerned with your opponents, but also your partners, one of whom beat you for the title, the other u have history with. The paragraph about you beating all 5 seemed unnecessary, one because you haven't, Ace you've never faced and Bratchny you've never pinned. You explained it in the para, but the beginning just made it a jumbled mess. and two, two are your partners and the fact you've beat them adds nothing at the moment. Maybe if u commented on how u deserve to face Steamboat next for the title would've helped, saying you're the most deserving of a shot. The ending where you addressed all your opponents made your ending a good one and left it on a high note.

Vengeance
I have been really into your last several RP's. If it were my call, I'd have you, Bratchney, Everest and Steamboat in a 4-way at civil, bit it seems you'll be feuding with Titus. The RP started strong by bring up the screw job that ended last Meltdown. I liked how you brought up criminal references, how you were robbed. You bring up your shortcomings, but make it clear they don't bother you, and that you will make it bother Titus by talking all from him. I understand this storyline probably has thought out intentions, hence with connection to creative and real use of interviewer and you being awarded a title shot whenever, but I must say its been an entertaining one at that and look forward to what happens with you, titus and the King of a Day shot. Well written as always.

Titus
A fun little RP. I'm concerned though as you should little concern for your opponents or even your partners. With all the angry serious RP's I've read so far it was a change of pace. The party idea was a good start and you let off traits about your character, a little self absorbed, cocky, but insecure. I wonder about him cause despite the party setting he seemed about as excited as Steve Blackman. You keep reassuring everything's good and I am curious as always why. The writing was fine, again nothing exciting but fine. Your creative so you have a clear idea and probably good control of where this is going so I'm still looking forward to see where this leads.

Steamboat
An entertaining RP. There was obviously a purpose for it, a customed belt which looks very nice. Again, much like Titus, there wasn't really any mention of your opponents or your partners. In that aspect it was weak, but knowing your creative, you have a plan. The RP had some humour, I liked how it ended with you being held at gun point for not paying your pieces of 8. I would've liked to see a follow up RP to find out what happened but oh well. The writing was good and I look forward to your next RP's when the feuds appear more set in stone.

 

[Showtime]

Celeste
I really enjoyed reading your RP. I like how you tell us what the characters are thinking and give us good detail about how they are saying it and reacting. It's like reading a good book. I also like your character. Obviously being a women, she feels she has a lot to prove coming in here and facing men. As such she is well content to prove she is better than the men and doesn't need the belts that the men drool and fight over. She feels she is above that I doesn't need to sink down to their level. Unlike other heels (say me) who reassure and reassure ourselves of our greatness, she does it a wishes to put undisputable facts behind it, aka wins. You explained your actions and your feelings well. You cast a very negative light on the title, but push yourself tremendously, even willing to DQ yourself just because you know your better. The whole piece flowed well and you kept the intimidation factor up the whole time. Best of luck to you in the tourny and I hope you win just to piss off your character.

Rush
Good RP. I learned a lot about your character RP. The pick up trick gives off that he is a people's wrestler. We learn he's been wrestling for a long time and has lots of experience. He feels disrespected when people call him green and say Celeste will beat him, but he is still respectful towards her, the biz and Leon. There were bots of humour here and thing to keep it entertaining and the piece moved along well. You really put over your opponent and the match. In the biz, you'd be an excellent person to put over people, let's hope that doesn't happen. You push yourself well too, and I liked the whole pothole thing at the end and used that to talk effectively about your future opponents. The writing was good and your character commanded the dialogue with confident ease. Very good job.

 

[Showtime]

The rest, hopefully

Trademark
There were a lot of things I liked about your RP. I had a very serious tone to it. You character is willing to destroy everything he's created so that he will be ready for his Mayhem match with Drake. You countered Drakes anger well from the previous RP and made it clear you're unafraid. The dreams are something we haven't seen since your first one and are welcome addition. They do a good job at redirecting your motives and goals, I.E that we are now going after the EurAsian title or in your immediate case the Mayhem title instead of the tag titles. You put all your attention into your match and none really into the impending tourny, which works both with and against you. You present a very serious challenge to your opponent and that he shouldn't take you lightly. The writing was alright, a few spelling mistakes and missing words and an occasional point or two where we went from present to past tense (I'm in writing courses, I have to use these details sometimes) Good RP.

Drake
While I was hoping for another happy drunken promo, this one was still pretty good. As we have seen before, Drake appears to be war with himself over his happy drunk side and his sadistic evil side. Originally, I didn't like how you could switch either side on or off and felt this should be more of a flaw for you character, he's happy when he's drunk and evil when he's sober and that's why he drinks. But now I don't mind as much and it's interesting to see how this will continue. I read in your character's bio his religious aspect which was very much a big part of your RP this time, and which I also like. I also liked the coin in the beginning, even if you didn't reference it to Trademark, it is still connected to him, Trademark and Money. While you are right about his Pride, I also would've attacked him on Greed as well and done something cool like destroy the coin, to show you can take away everything he has and worked for. I don't need to tell you you're writing is exceptional, you already know that. The descriptions between text really helped and the whole piece was good, even though I wanted to read a happy one, I was happy with what I got. Great job.

Sadly, I lied. But I'll hopefully finish the rest by tonight.

 

[Father:_Polley]

A rare feedback from me:
Smith vs Young
Smith - It was brief, to the point and started off well. I personally thought the ending was a little weak. The attitude was there and I like the attitude, just keep developing it.
Young - I like it. It was personal, abrasive and an interesting approach. A solid effort and I look forward to more.
Winner: Young

Anoki vs Michaels:
Anoki - It was rather unusual, but it was in a good way. Very different, unorthodox but it did the job. I liked it. A no-show means that you're guaranteed a win I think.

Karnage vs Cougar
Karnage - Articulate, got the point across and set the scene well. I have to say, you seemed a little too nice to Becky to have the angry door slamming taken seriously. I think you have the tools to get over, just pick an alignment and stick with it to a passion. I like it though.
RP two was unusual, but it showed a near psychotic side to you that I think was missing from your first. Combine the articulate and psychotic and you'll be a potent force
Cougar - Again, I like your style of RP. The TV show gimmick suited well and you carried it off impressively.
Winner: Toss up

Burna vs USA
USA - Short but to the point and fitting your character. I liked it, but think you need a little more substance. I know quality is the key thing, but I like a mix.
Burna - The dark creepy image was convincing and I liked it. I appreciate the difficulty it takes writing a darm promo, and you did it pretty damn well.
Winner: Burna. Both were good, but to me, Burna gave more value for e-money in his RP.

Sanna vs Mondragon
Sanna - Dark and psychotic, nice play on Will not facing you and showing the aggression.
Mondragon - Dude, I love the arrogant nonchalance of the character. Even if you did remind me of Murf!sh yet again. I think the two of you would team well together, probably feud better.
Winner: Two different RPs and I think a toss up is the verdict again.

Might do more later

 

[Showtime]

Feedback feedback.

Big Dave
Another good RP. We got a lot of wacky characters in WZCW and it's good to see some more normal and regular guys. As always you put in a bit of good humour, and assess the situation of your match, past and other variables, quite nicely. You guys remind me of a white crime time. One critical note, and it is different because you guys are a tag team, but I find in your RP's that Ace is the star and not you. This could be because he's the funny one and your more the straight shooter, and it does work quite fine, but your RP's are your chance to push your character and give him character. Anyway Great stuff.

Garth Black
Love the biblical turn your character has had in recent RP's. One thing I love about heel RP's, contradiction. You attack Becky (my favourite thing about your RP's) almost obsessivly about her skankyness and then say how you never bring it up. Also loved the jesus/barabbas reference. You pushed you and your team really well, and brought up strong words to your opponent. I love your character right now, he is one of my fav's. Great work.

Milenko
Good set up at the beginning that will no doubt shape your future RP's. I like your character's cockiness, what sets it different from say mine or Garth's is you think you are the best and have done a lot to prove that but you continue to get screwed, like at MD23. After all the success, we've begun to see some unraveling. Good referencing of your opponent and his beating he took in Japan (I didn't know that, very informative). If reference to the rep you sent me, with our similar heel characters, I think we'd work best as a stable with say Trademark, then as opponents at the moment (though I still would love to fight you and had a wicked idea for my RP if we did in the EurAsian tourny) Nice RP.

James Barker
Glad to see the fun lovng Gangsta be angry and serious this RP. I thought it was a much improved RP. What I liked is you didn't mention all the loses you've had or the screw jobs that have happened. Just that your pissed and about your opponent, who you beat one-on-one not to long ago and have kinda had a good mini feud with. The thing I'm impressed about your writing is how quickly you put up your RP's. I remember once giving your feedback for a previous weeks RP and you already had the current weeks RP up already. Well done.

Criminal Karnage (cause he jus PM'd me)
One thing I want to be critical about first (and Gelgarin "anoki" pointed this out on my early RP's) BIG BLOCKS OF TEXT. Big Blocks of text make it harder to read and do take away from the piece in general. The writing you had was well done, the opening was solid and the dialouge was good, but the whole thing was harder to read. Also, it is your choice in character, but I would've liked to see you ride the face side or leave it a mystery than fall into stereotypical 'tough guy I'll break you' heel (see Sanna and Ty) We have an incredible amount of heels and as a' smart, calculated face who can't be trusted cause he can break your neck', that would've worked better than the 'hulk smash' heel. I might sound hard, but that's cause I see lots of potential in your writing. Your very good with dialouge and setting and that's what I loved about your RP's in our match, but in this, while the dialouge was good, there wasn't much description and everything was too bunched together. My advice, don't go full out with the anger agressive side of your caracter, use it in small doses. Be more calm about your power over others and be calculated. Your characters a convict, I'm sure that means he's killed a man, so be calmer about beating a mna in the ring, be calculated, like John Malcovich in Con Air. Good RP.

Sanna
Good Work. You character scares me. Karnage is the big dog who talked about destroying you and you went the small dog way and did a good job. You didn't back down and threatened to drop him on his head as well, plus you attacked his emotional and mental state, going at the all to common assumption about criminals that they didn't get enough hugs as a child, loved it. The writing was well done and the flow of the piece was smooth. Great work also for setting up future RP's with the mentioning that the decrepit building is your parents, I wonder what they did to you and you did to them. Great work.

 

[Pimpin]

Feedback for the ones that I haven't repped for their RP's. If I forget anybody then I apologize.

David Cougar- I liked your RP. I especially liked the way you & Leon both were going back & forth on whether Ty should even be locked up or running the streets, now that was gold. I also liked how you called Ty's Ouija a Parker Brothers toy & then ending was priceless as well. Great RP.

Garth Black- Your RP was short, sweet & to the point. I liked the line about you saying that your comments was as strong as Becky's hatred for toothpaste. Good RP.

Big Dave- I liked how you & your partner were sarcastic about not remembering how to do tag team wrestling. Y'all got serious after that & the gold of your RP just kept flowing. Another good RP.

Zander Young- I liked how you got a fake Klamor in being confused in thinking that you were Anoki & then you punk him out by beating him in Tennis on the PSP & the whole RP was just gold. Good RP.

Milenko- I am very interested in seeing who the new mystery man is that you've brought to WZCW. I liked the setup of your RP & I believe that it'll set up for the future setup of your RP's. What sets it apart form alot of people's RP's is that you think you are the best & you back that claim up but there is always someone out there that is always screwing you over & we are starting to see the short comings unravel your character.

 

[Showtime]

and more feedback...

Ty Burna
Clap, clap, clap. What more is to say except i've been scrambling to rep other people so I can give you some rep, it was epic. You took everything your opponent (me) said and used it against me. The padded room, the board game, me and Leon and our conversation on dialogue, I figured you would, those cheap shots were mere volley's I hoped you would smash, and you did. I re-read mine and took notes and realized you were right. I made little reference to us and our match, and you made that the focus of you RP which sold it to perfection. The writing was killer, the description and setting better than I could come up with. Best of Luck.

Phoenix
A short but solid RP. You and your partner have both done excellent jobs attacking your opponents. You two have presented yourselves as the perfect counter heel team to this fun loving face team. Good writing and use of past and what your partner has said, and nice biblical reference. Other than that not much to say.

Carmen Bratchny
Dude I don't need to say it, your writing is awesome. Very screen play, easy to read and another wonderful RP. We learn more about McKenzie and Maximillion firing you was a nice angle. Breaking character was wicked and really highlighted the seriousness going on with your character. Now he has more than enough motivation to do anything. Excellent job, I like the direction your taking it in.

Everest
More and more, I like the little steps your taking in your heel direction and it's really showing off here in this one. You really did well in explaining the direction your character's taking now, no longer going to be the nice guy. While I know there is a tremendous amount of cocky heels in WZCW (me included) but I know yours will definitely stand out once you've gone full turn. You responded to your opponents RP, always good, and did well in increasing the intensity at the end of it. Awesome work.

Zander Young
Mushrooms and video games always seem like a nice idea at the time... I mean, interesting read. After reading epics by Ty, Bozz, and Mich, I was looking forward to something lighter and more entertaining. Not everyone's favourite spot on the card, but I'd definitely label you comic face. Trouble was, I didn't laugh much, thou I will re-read in the mourning to make sure I wasn't tired. I liked the video package Becky opening. Coming close to saying Road Dogg, killed it for me, parody that stuff and play up the error after, like a superbad bicker. The thing with Anoki and then you underneath was interesting. I didn't get it much and it didn't help your complaint about Anoki being not focused, since you were just goofing off. Writing's getting better and I like your character, I recommend you try to connect your RP a little better, and watch for grammar and miscolouring. Good job.

 

[Gelgarin]

First three pieces for now. I'm anal retentive regarding keeping my post count as low as possible, so I'll edit the rest in later.

I was expecting one, maybe two feedback requests so I could provide some detailed ramblings. Instead I’ve got six, and I’m not devoting that much time to the work of people who aren’t me. So, without further ado, aplomb or applause (you were all clapping right?) light feedback for those who asked.
Just to give my usual disclaimer, I try to avoid undue positivity when doing this stuff. Gelgarin feedback is all about the constructive observations. Now that was getting very close to being further aplomb, so I best kick off now.

Phoenix (The poster, not the character)

Phoenix is a jerk who felt the need to produce two roleplays.

The first, most obvious and least interesting observation is that it could use a proofread. Spelling is fine, but there are a number of errors in grammar and syntax. Normally I’m a proponent of the ‘who gives a crap’ school of thought with regards to such things, but when you’re writing dialogue it becomes very important that your characters words flow, and immersion is derailed by minor errors. I also think dialogue flows better the more you break it up. I noticed a tendency towards run on sentences, many of which would sound more natural if broken up into two or three clauses.

For example:

Likewise, I hope Black & Phoenix try to bring their A game because we want the fans to have a taste of what the best can do in the Tag Team Division, sure, everyone is going on about the EurAsian Tournament at the moment, but tonight the fans get to see the Tag Team Champions return home and do what they do best, they won’t be disappointed.

Would read better as:

Likewise; I hope Black and Phoenix bring their A game. We want the fans to have a taste of the best they can do in the tag division. Everyone may be going on about the Eurasian Tournament at the moment, but tonight they get to see the Tag Team Champions return home and do what they do best. They won’t be disappointed.

Another minor matter I’d like to point out is slang. This is probably more of a subjective observation, but I hate seeing things like “Nawh” and “Ya” in a text. It just doesn’t come across as natural dialogue.

Getting on to the important issue of content; there was nothing wrong here. I spent some time trying to decide of the line “I’m pumped and excited!” was supposed to be sarcastic, and eventually decided that it wasn’t. Assuming that I’m not wrong, I’ll just say that nobody makes an exclamation like that. Just doesn’t happen.

As I said, there was nothing wrong here, but at the same time there wasn’t much incentive to keep reading. It’s the curse of the system that you have to keep coming up with fresh ways to develop your character every month. I didn’t feel that this month’s reading told me anything new about either character you were playing, or provided any real insight into the forthcoming match. You spent quite a while going over stuff that had already happened, and then closed with a very by the numbers “we’re going to win” declaration. I think if you want to keep the reader hooked it’s necessary to offer a little more than that. Personally I start each of my role-plays deciding what I’m going to reveal about my character this week. (Actually I don’t, I just make it up as I go along… but It’s good advice anyway.)


Showtime

I think you went on slightly longer than you needed to, although this time it was by a paragraphs instead of by a couple of pages, so that’s a marked improvement. Even so, the closing promo felt like padding to me. You tend to go to the same well of ‘lengthy self indulgent monologue’ quite a lot, although you’ve got a real knack for splicing in enough original content to keep things readable.

Writing is as solid as ever, but I’m fairly sure I’ve praised that before a few times so I won’t do so again. The old dilemma of criticizing work that doesn’t have anything wrong with it rears its ugly head again. I could nitpick and say that I don’t envisage people actually pronouncing the number every time they reference Meltdown, and also mention that WZCW doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, but those are so pedantic that it’s just a waste of bandwidth.

Oh, and you forgot to color the announcers dialogue… which I guess makes you one step bellow a child murderer.


Lee

I’ve a couple of personal aesthetic quibbles. I don’t like seeing that much text centralized. It looks nicer from a distance, but it doesn’t read as nicely. I also don’t see why you’re tagging your dialogue with semi colons, then not using semi colons in the places that they belong. Grammer Nazidom FTW. I also prefer to see laughter conveyed thought the stage directions rather than typed. Possibly it’s because it reminds me too much of Slyfox, but “Hahahahaha” never looks natural when written down.

I haven’t read any Titus pieces before, and don’t feel I’m up to speed with the character. It would probably make more sense if I knew something of his character or history, but as a standalone piece I didn’t know who I was reading about, and that sapped my interest.

Hahahaha how's my head? I'm a former actor turned wrestler who spit from his wife, who had amnesia for a year, who became a super hero fighting for justice and truth, who returned to WZCW, helped find yourself who had been kidnapped, winning the Elite X title and now some psycho is after me...how the hell do you think my head feels?!

I had some issues with the syntactic variables of this sentence, mostly due to the repeated, unspecified use of the word “who”. When you say “Who split for his wife, who had amnesia for a year” it comes across as though the wife had amnesia and not the wrestler. Rephrasing the paragraph to use I instead of who would alleviate this.

Content wise (I’m beginning to notice that I spend 90% of my time avoiding talking about content) it was all right. Very little happened, but I think that’s more or less par for the course for a Meltdown match. I didn’t feel any more complete as an individual for having read it, but it wasn’t an unpleasant read.


More coming tomorrow if I can make myself care.

And some more.


Milenko

Another classic case of using commas and conjunctives where a full stop should go. I blame the education system for instilling misguided literary values in people when they’re young. Short snappy sentences almost always read better than long rambling ones, especially when trying to generate atmosphere. There were a couple of grammatical errors, but not enough to make me care. I do really prefer to see numbers written as words instead of as.. err… numbers; but that’s a trivial detail.

There’s a bit of a problem with dialogue. A couple of times you referenced the subject of a sentence twice, which made things come across as unnatural.

Last week I had Murfish beat 1, 2, 3 in the ring but for some reason the biased official decided to start the match over after I had used up all my energy beating Murfish.

When people talk naturally they very rarely repeat the subject of a sentence. If it’s absolutely necessary to reference it they a pronoun comes in, but in general the subject does not get repeated. There were a couple of cases of this in your role-play, and I did find them to make dialogue sound stilted and unnatural.

On a more positive note, it was nice to see something concrete happening in a role-play. No amount of logophilia of perfect grammar can replace having a decent story running through your piece, and the basic foundations alone made this a worthwhile read.


Echelon

Blah, blah, commas, blah, full stops, blah. There, now we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get down to business.

The use of past tense is very interesting. Everyone else writes script format because it’s a little easier, and it certainly makes your stuff stand out. Its a little weird having you tag your dialogue with “Klamor said” and suchlike, when the formatting makes it unnecessary, but it doesn’t detract from the piece.
What is a minor detraction is the use of names instead of pronouns. Once we get to the duologue between Klamor and Celeste then a lot of those names can be replaces by he and she's, which will just make it a slightly crisper read.

You’re obviously a talented writer, and there were a few golden moments here. I definitely got a kick out of the idea of Jonny Klamor as the EurAsian Champion. Celeste comes across as, for lack of a better word, “cool”, which provided you weren't aiming for out and out malevolent heel, is a good thing.

There are a few areas where the writing could be neatened up. You use variations on the word “challenge” four times in very quick succession which sounded a bit silly, and there are one or two areas where phrasing could be improved, but on the whole the writing was good.

An entertaining read.


Macho Man

As I said for somebody who was probably Lee, I don’t like seeing everything centralised. Left alignment is simply easier on the eyes.

I don’t understand some of the language you use. Now I’m not very hip, so it’s possible I’m not getting something that is quite obvious; but I don’t see how a person “drinks something like it’s going out of style” (does that mean he drinks it quickly?). There were a couple of other instances where I was left confused, but I think that was down to you not proofreading. I’m a lazy dyslexic myself, so I know how tiresome they are, but phrases like “She’s one of the most talented person that I have ever stepped into the ring with” and “I mean, I head him when he was talking to you earlier.” really do break the flow of a piece of writing.

Dialogue varied between above average and mediocre. The banter mostly sounded human and believable. Content wise; not much happened. I’ve found that the shows themselves can’t be relied upon to provide material for you to talk about so, if you haven’t already, it might be advisable to come up with some sort of back-story or ongoing plot that you can explore in the role-plays. “I’m going to win because of x” role-plays get old pretty quickly.


Polly

As I said for Lee, my lack of knowledge on the collective histories of your characters hurt my appreciation of these pieces a little. I don’t know who Vengeance is of what’s been happening in the feud, so I had to take your stuff as a standalone piece. On that scale, I liked the first one a lot more than the second. Between posts you made a rather rough transition from “Death shall fall” and an intense confrontation… to Vengeance wearing a party hat. You said everything that needed to be said in the first part, and everything that came after just struck me as flow breaking filler.

In terms of your writing, there’s not much to say. You’re as good as anyone else I’ve read here. You know exactly when to use full stops and commas, you have a good grasp of dialogue and everything else necessary to make one of these things sound good. But then I’d imagine you knew that already.

So year… good piece. First section was highly enjoyable and provoked my interest enough to get me to translate that gobbledygook out of Ancient Norse (which was a fine to do given that it wasn’t in that language). Second piece, nicely written but I didn’t like it.


Pimpin.

I normally don’t like seeing slang typed out, but in this case it works. Baker comes across as a complete douche bag, which is quite an available niche around these parts. The level of violence used on Klamor seemed a little excessive. He’s an old man, and continuity demands that he be in a fit state to participate in everybody else’s role-plays; but if you cleared this with Lee then it’s not a problem.

The writing does need work. The longer promo at the end was the best part, but I thought the dialogue leading up to it was week. There’s no instant trick to improve that though, just keep practicing and it’ll improve. As a solitary and trivial tip, people don’t actually say “ouch”. They groan or yell, but the seldom say “ouch”.

 

[Showtime]

Feedback

Anoki
I love your feedback and hence will try to give you mine in the way you do yours. I agree with what you write about me, it's difficult to critique good writing. You are a fantastic writer and I think you've found your groove again. I understand your calling out of peoples comma and semi-colon in your feedback. Your piece had very few commas, lots of short sentences. This piece read like a breeze. Only when you wanted us to take a pause did you. Content wise, we finally learned about Anoki's past and might I say, good curve ball. I like the way you worked it all, injured opponent, no glory, return to past, revelations. You sold it well, and I've said it before I can't wait to work against you again. Great job.

Drake
Again with Gelgarin, your writing is good and the set-up is drunk drake so an easy and entertaining read, so nothing really to comment on. I like all the short descriptions u use and the real talk, hesitations, stops, pauses. All really makes it a good read. Content was developing. Becky has finally asked Drake about his duel personalities, something Drake shrugged off. I expect you'll build on this on your next one, especially with Becky telling Drake to be himself next week. Looking forward to it, nice work.

Murfish
Whimsical. You character is the most nonchalant polite individual ever. I half envision the polite british guy from Family Guy when I read it. I learned more about the Murfish character through this one and enjoyed it more. I laughed my ass off at the 'educated white male/stable job' and then ending with you dealing drugs for five years. Leon's part was also brilliant, as if we could handle it all in that calm of fashion. I like his end point about how all points would be lost on you. any way, woot woot and whatnot (another fav) the piece flowed with your character never losing a beat, commented on your opponents RP well, and yea. Good RP.

USA
A much improved and generally all around a great piece. There is one notable line I'd like to bring up I didn't like. "Couldn't have said it better myself, baby." It's when you call her 'baby' doesn't work. You're a marine soldier and she is also your commanding officer. In this instant, your opponent would be someone who calls her baby. She would be sir, maim, General, or lady. Anyway aside from that one thing it was well written. Red and light orange are okay, buy not when there's a little orange in a red paragraph, hard to see. I'd have just given the description it's own line and broken the paragraph into two. Gives the reader a break. Content wise, it's a good improvement and the general is a nice addition. Early problems with your characters, uh, character (face or heel) from earlier RP's was less apparent and you appeared more face (which I believe you were going for). Nicely done.

 

[Father:_Polley]

Anoki: Well written and enhances your story and I'm kinda wanting to know exactly what that story is... so I guess that's the point acheived for that. However, I feel you didn't do your opponent justice by not mentioning him even once. You set the scene for yourself but not for the match.

Zander: Nice idea, the reality TV was going well until the PSP idea. I wasn't a fan of it. Did a better job with the match than Anoki.

Shall follow with more soon

 

[Father:_Polley]

Ok...
Karnage vs Milenko vs Sanna
Criminal Karnage
I liked it. It had the one thing that I think is crucial in RPs and that is a degree of continuity. You referred back to recent events before looking forward. The idea of an interview only you can hear was unique, it was funny and enhanced your persona as a nutjob nicely whilest running down both opponents in a way that was both light-hearted and had an edge to it. Awesome work, and the voice at the end drew me into future RPs
Sanna
As a fellow psychopath, I understand how hard it can be to make your character appear convincing and work some psychology into it. You managed it, you come across as intimidating, but with a degree of intelligence behind it. I approve. Tough match to call


Titus vs USA
Titus
You'd almost think we'd arranged my RP to set yours up...Yeah, it were good. You've got your feedback on MSN from me and we both knew it was setting up the PPV match nicely.

USA
Lee did a very good RP, and I think he drew a good one out of you by wafting my, eh, his belt in front of your face. I think the new finisher being described would have been better left as a mystery. You built yourself up and addressed the most pressing issue, namely Leon/Vengeance/Titus and how it played into your hands, and the end was nice, tying in to the patriotism again. It was solid, I think Lee was slightly better, but it's definately a big step towards where you want to be.
Although I'm still taking the belt...


Phoenix vs Ace David
Ace
You and Dave work well together. The Rp was focused on both the match at hand, and looking ahead to Civil Revolution... maybe a little too much on the future as opposed to MD, but I think it was good, though after teaming with Vengeance and Carmen, it's all just a step down...
Phoenix
You admitted it was short, but you got a lot into it, you pointed out the weaknesses in both men and how you can exploit them. It worked.


Drake vs Mondragon Meadowgate (Who the hell came up with that name?)
Drake
Dude, you always make me laugh. I'm worried that you actually do get blind drunk to think through your RPs as a drunk. They work really well with Becky and I'm sure introducing Drake to Stacey will make for some hilarity. I look forward to it. Despite the humour, you always manage to get to the point of your competition and make it appear easy. You just go out and try to win. It works. I like. I'm done with you


TM/Cougar vs Young/Smith
Ok, I'm tired, this will be fed back on when I'm awake.

 

[Lee]

Ace Great to have you back, hope work's going well. I liked this, it was short, yet got a lot did, it was formatted well. What I would say as the way to improve is focus more on your immediate match. It also should have gone with Big Daves, who had Stacey taking you away to interview.

Others, I'll do in due course, I know I've give a few feedback on MSN.

 

[Phoenix]

Will do some now:
Titus
Since Titus returned, the form has been great, and it continues this week. This was a solid great RP, the Vengeance/Leon story is really been a great focus for you and I look forward to seeing this feud pan out over the months. But at this point the RP got everything covered, your match with USA, the stipulation, all of it I loved how Titus has this anger inside and is ready to unleash. Great work!

Drake
If there's one thing that's garanteed about your RPs, it's that they're so damn funny. This one was no different and it was true to form, I'm really liking that this alcoholic element of Drake is progressing each week and is becoming serious business. I'm looking forward to your future RPs because I feel his development is pushing greatly and I wonder what will happen to the Mayhem Champion next.

Vengeance
Another RP series I love because of the solid factor and how sinister Vengeance has come and gone from in the coming weeks, I'm sad to see this will be final match as Vengeance, but I look forward to seeing where he goes next. The one I love about this RP is how, like Titus, you've both played out this feud greatly, solid from both ends and the fact that you've been truly messing with Leon's head has been amazing, a puppet on a string to the T. I would say that I can definitely look forward to the finale at Civil Revolution, and well done for creating such a brilliant, yet scary, psychological character. I definitely look forward to his development change.

More to come later

 

[Phoenix]

Zander Young (cause Fratelli likes feedback)

Firstly, yaay, another mention in an RP. Right, I liked this because it gave me something about your character, abit of a back story and a spine. Your goals and ambitions, all good setting yourself up as newbie in the WZCW, great stuff there. I like this idea of doing a website show because it gives something new and I think only Showtime has a similiar RP method at times, it makes you (and him) unique because it says why would I want to watch a show on wzcw.com? You show why. Looking forward to your development and bring it on if you wanna face the FHD!

Two main criticisms, make your actions fonting different to your talk, ie using bold, italics or brackets, it makes it abit easier to get wording to stand out abit more. Second one is, and I think mentioned, is having Stacey being all giggly and everything, nothing wrong with the writing of it, but it's more suited to Becky as she's the face girl interviewer and Stacey isn't. Best way to remember - Becky is Maria in WWE, Stacey is the stuck up bitch.

Showtime
Part 1 - Loved it, they keep coming and are solid, I liked how you portrayed Becky as an idiot with the cameraman situation. I liked how there was abit of humanization to him, becoming David as opposed to "The Show". It really did feel that you wanted this title more than anything, you have persued your title challenges with great depth and where winning gold is the aim, certainly look forward to when you win some gold at one point. Really felt a connection with this one, great stuff.

Part 2 - From where he was down and humanized, the Show must go on and he does well here. This show segment is a great formula you have going on and I always enjoy reading these pieces you do here. Little to fault, I loved how you referred to Zander's version as a rip off, it make this possible one off match have abit more to hold a little grudge, really could see something good come off here from it. What I found interesting was how Stacey was all chilled and relaxed, albeit flirty, which I was suprised and I was about to criticise you for it, but you gave her something with a twist, you made her become all serious as if it was a "don't pull this crap with me again" approach and I thought YES, where I questioned it at first, it was there for a purpose, great stuff! Two solid RPs and wasn't too long or shot, just right

USA
For this one I went back to Meltdown 24, I thought the RP for that show was a good one from you and I know I have been a heavy criticiser of you, but you did put some good in it. I just felt with this one that you lost abit of momentum and I was suprised at the sudden jump by General Lee DesArming, at first she's saying you'll never get with a woman like me this week she's now calling him baby, I just thought that where you started with her playing hard to get, she's now putty in your hands without reason...try and develop the continuity for the next one because it will keep things going further for you.

One question I do need to ask about her, if she's a General, why is she speaking to him in relaxed manner? Reason I ask is because would a marine talk down to a General or speak commonly? No, you have the ranking structure, unless you can provide a reason why I should suspend my belief that this General is different to norm. I'm trying my best to not be a heavy criticiser this time, but the main tip for this week is to keep everything solid and keep continuity, look at the Vengeance/Titus rivalry and look at the continuity there.

But where I say that momentum is lost, the presentation has improved from last week and I like that your character is getting more focused on the match at hand. I do think you had a difficult task in following the RP by Titus, you've seen me praise it. But a decent effort and you are improving, just need to round it up a tad.

 

[Phoenix]

James Baker
Right, I loved the first RP, it was good, got things covered about your opponents and I felt that was a great respond to the RPs of previous times where the swearing was excessive and too much, even the violent threats were abit much. I liked the second part's opening but the moment it went to:

*The Therapist then gets rather close to James & James stands up*

Therapist- You're gonna tell me what's wrong with you right now or I will hurt you.

And then you beat the crap out of him until he was a bloody pulp, what the hell?! I really felt that anything else that was mentioned didn't matter because I was shocked by this occuring. I think you need to look at your RPs and seriously think about the approach, you had something going and it just went mental! Even the WWE doesn't do something this excessive for wrestling promos, it's toned to keep it from being that, they will do beat downs and leaving in blood pools, but it's spaced out so it's not shockingly sickening. My main tip is, take what you had from the first and everything before the beating of the therapist and keep it to that, tone it down because I don't if anyone felt uncomfortable reading that, remember that everyone can see this, keep it PG rated, this is wrestling, not Grand Theft Auto!

Bratchny
I really like this and I really loved how you've made this situation with Swindle a big matter, I love how you've not dropped the ball on this. Nice little emotional moment from Bratchny and the fact he's using this to motivate himself to win. I even liked how the connection you have with his wife goes nicely, though I do find the thought of her shouting gym instructions at him quite funny. But in short, nicely written and thoroughly played out, looking forward to your RP for Civil Revolution!

Doing Sanna & Karnage soon, just eating first!

 

[Phoenix]

Sorry for the delay, had to sleep cause of work but got some time to do some more

Sanna
I liked it. We're definitely starting to get into your character, it was a good read, you certainly get the dark psychology in effect and this is a good piece of work. Where he is seemingly violent, you play the idea of threats and mind games very well and I look forward to seeing more of this.

The only thing I feel is that something is missing, I think it might been Becky. Just re-reading it, Sanna is portrayed greatly, but Becky doesn't seemed intimidated until he grabs her, she says she feels creeped out by him, but doesn't show it throughout the RP, she jumps and gets suprised, but her words don't feel like she's scared. Her delivery is important in this too, think of Jodie Foster & Hannibal Lector, you want her to react the same way. Other than that, good work!

Will do others after work

 

[Ty Burna]

Alright lets do some feedback, now that I finally got off my ass and did mine.

Big Dave:

I like your RP's, they always make me chuckle, and especially when you're interacting with your tag team partner. Overall I like the way your using your character as your typical babyface. At least that's what I'm hoping your going for. Good job though.

Garth Black:

Good RP, again I like the heel approach and the comments referring to how you're all business while your opponent is juvenile. It really brings that contrast out between the two of you to a head. The beginning interaction between you and Stacey was quite humorous as well.

Vengeance:

Well what is there to say? Honestly I'm looking up to you quality wise when I'm trying to type out my own RP's. You've really nailed it to showing how manipulative Vengeance really can be, and it adds a very interesting and intimidating level to your character. Rather than just another evil/scary big man, you've definitely jumped your character to a new level, and the storyline you're running with has my interest with open ears and eyes if you will.

I want to do more feedback, I'll hit it up tomorrow.