Ok, so I just finished reading the first part, right before Leon starts talking. I've got to say, I like this darker Reynolds. Bringing up Vis Imperium and the match with Cooper here really set the tone for what's going on at the PPV.
The match with Holmes wining the title was good. It confused me at first what came afterwards with Austin now in a hospital? I thought it was a bar but then I realized this was a flashback to when that happened. It could have been stated that this was a flashback or something.
The 2nd match with Ricky Runn was good as well. I see where this is going and it's great!
A missing word in the sentence "We see Austin lying a comfortable looking armchair at home" made me take a second look and it took away from the flow of the read. I'll take the blame though as I was going to look over it and couldn't. Sorry about that .
The conversation with Leon and Austin is on point. Looks good so far. I also like the color of the two in the RP. Doesn't clash and easy on the eyes.
Damn, I am enjoying the read. I honestly like what Reynolds has become. You have a way of writing out a story. I like how "Dead" Austin is right now. It's sad but it's good.
The yellow in Dom's text hurts the eyes. Kinda hard to read too.
The first conversation between Steven and Austin pretty much sum up everything to why Reynolds is there. I love it.
This was one of my favorite Rp's I have read in a long time. I hope you keep up the good work, even if you do not win the Openweight Title.
To start just let me get this out of the way. I know you mentioned how long this RP was but I dont think length matters. I feel like considering youve been building up to this RP I like that its got so much packed into it. Dont just keep putting stuff off in the story. Youve been building to this point so throw as much of it into this thing now.
The first section of the RP was good. As Im writing this I couldnt tell you what your other RPs, excluding the one against me, were about because they were a quite a while ago. What makes the first part of the RP effective, especially for a first time reader is that you establish the relationships between the three big names of Vis Imperium. Now that there was even the slightest chance that he may become part of their lives, he couldnt let that slip. But his relationship with the girls had only existed because of Steven Holmes. I love this bit. Its two lines long but might be my favourite part of the entire RP. Youre able to make me aware that Reynolds has kids, his relationship with them is broken and Holmes had been a vital part in Reynolds having any contact with them. The reason thats so great is because so often, looking back to Stormrage vs. Constantine big tag match, guys just join up together. You avoided the biggest mistake people make which is all heels get along or all faces get along. No, thats dumb. Justin Cooper wouldnt get along with Chris K.O. no matter what his alignment was. You not only avoided it once with Holmes but you addressed the complex relationship and history between Reynolds and Constantine. It makes the characters feel like actual people, theyre not just robots who get along with everyone. The references to Ty were good and I really liked the distinction between who Reynolds is now, the turmoil hes faced and where he was before as the Ratings Winner. I would love to see that nickname retired and for Reynolds to completely shed that going into a possible second run as Elite X Champion to juxtapose how far the character has changed since the first time he held the belt.
Keep in mind Im writing this as I read it in sections. I really cannot stress this enough; I love how the relationship with Holmes isnt Oh, he won the title and hes great and Im going to make him even better. Having Reynolds feel pain that someone who came in with him achieved what he couldnt is great storytelling. I love that hes not a robot and that he feels real emotions even if he is the big bad heel which is often missing from guys who write for the bad guys. You have Reynolds appear vulnerable and thats a powerful tool. I think you used it well with how he struggles seeing Ricky Runn succeed. It gives you that insight into how hes feeling and his motivations for joining a group with guys, especially Constantine, who hes had problems with in the past. If you had glossed over the history of the guys in the group it would have sucked but you gave Reynolds clear motivation for why he would let the past stay in the past and join up with Vis Imperium. I think thats what youve done so well here; you made Reynolds have clear motivation for his decisions outside of Im a good guy so I did this or the bad guy version of that.
The flashbacks are really effective. You could have had Reynolds describe the breakdown to Leon but by going that extra mile by going through it, giving the detail and actually showing the slow breakdown and the drinking problem I think it really gets the point across. You feel for this guy as the surgery hasnt work, hes seeing his student achieve what he couldnt, its really good. It makes Reynolds more than just a bad guy, you can see how he got to this point and I think youve done a great job on the backstory segment of the RP. The part with Holmes and Reynolds just reinforces what I said. Im not going to go much further with it, motivations were established, you made them seem like real people, I cannot express it enough how much I like this RP.
The final part is good. Its probably the weakest of the whole RP. You had to address the match but I didnt feel as invested in the conversation between Reynolds and Constantine. I would have liked to see it be Holmes but at the same time I understand you dont want to oversaturate the RP with the dynamic between Holmes/Reynolds. Its by far the most interesting relationship out of the four. If the RP was going to drag a little it was around this point. Having Dom die, I think is such a big moment that it being at the end may have been a better choice. Wanting to go in order is fine but in this case I could see Reynolds jumping over the big event that kicked him into gear, going right into the discussion with Holmes in the past, he talks with Leon and Holmes/Constantine joins them, then you do the big reveal at the end of the RP. The part with Reynolds/Constantine is by no means bad but to end on it, especially with that gem of Doms death, it seemed anticlimactic. Addressing the title match could have been done with the trio so I would have to say the Constantine conversation wasnt overly needed to complete this piece.
Really good work overall. Hope I explained myself well enough.
Emotion, I felt it. I got hyped up with the crowd and it's the first time I've really feel Luke Manson win people over. I'd love to see the aftermath with your son, you could imagine his friends at school telling him they voted for street fight. It just made me think of earlier RPs of some of the big face characters here and that's a good thing.
Coach Adams is really becoming a character I like and not a pointless NPC that's just there for someone to talk to.
Well done, you've finally hit your stride.
Tony Mancini
I don't even know what to say to this really. You had a massive thing in the rp and brushed it off as "no big deal". I think Gino, a man who has worked for your Dad for some years, would also be emotional at this but alas nothing.
I also think the ending and beginnign bits could be switched about. As Numbers said, a three act would help.
Opening: Driving with Gino - Talk about the beat up and the match types there.
Middle: The big thing - Needs much more emotion here. Seemed rather generic.
End: Reminisce - Have Gino tell some old stories of the Mancini parents. Let Tony say he'll not let them down.
Also some sentences need commas and others you've got your and you're mixed up. Not a great RP and could be easily better by mixing things up.
I like this for what it was. It got the message across very clearly. I liked the specific “cruelty” angle that you took against Logan; that was clever. Maybe the best thing I can say is that you were channelling the likes of Garth Black by riding the heel / face line. You could have given more than short shrift to the stipulations but I can understand why you did, especially to the title shot.
It was short and although I’m not going to say that it was too short, it was a pretty basic interview piece with no particularly big revelations. The thing with the Mikey attack is begging to be explored a bit more, it would have been a nice way to extend the RP. I hope that the lack of detail doesn’t cost you the match.
Lee:
As promised.
Like I’ve kind of mentioned before I don’t think this was what I expected but it’s because I expected you would smash it out of the park for a title defence. This was a perfectly functional RP and I do think it’ll be enough to get the job done but dare I say there wasn’t anything truly interesting that was said.
The chemistry with Klamor felt a little strange, just a little off, I can’t really put my finger on it, Klamor seemed really pissed off with Titus for being Titus (i.e. a heel). The bit in the shop was entertaining; probably the best bit of the RP. You are normally so spot on with writing NPCs especially the interviewers and it seemed to go from scene to scene with no real story flow or momentum that I was a little surprised.
Cooper: Knowing a bit about what you have planned, you’ve done a great job of planting seeds in this piece. That story of course isn’t ready to be anything but teased right now and that helps a lot because it forms a lot of the atmosphere for the first half of the RP as well as the whole attack against Vis Imperium.
I love your description, from the location to the building to the workout itself, you absolutely nailed it. There are plenty of highlights but this one little bit sums up the whole thing nicely.
The pain in his own knee stung like a dagger being shoved into the joint. He dare not grimace or show the faintest sight of pain. Be strong, I need to be strong for the team. Justin swallowed hard, gritted his teeth together and looked directly into his brother’s eyes.
I also like your use of italic text to show the emotion and I think you did a fine job of this through the whole RP.
The strength of this RP is testament to how much you have improved recently. Had Jeff been able to match this then you would have an amazing chance at retaining against two of the best. As it is, you have given yourself a shot, which is testament to how well you have done.
Feedback up for a lot of you. My intent is to give feedback for everybody, but I've unable to finish up the rest so far and have been sitting on these ones for a while. The intent is to get the rest done tonight.
Titus
What I liked
I liked the backstory you made for Johnny Klamor. I love it when when I read RPs where the announcers and WZCW NPCs have a little edge to them, when we get something beyond the standard question and answer. The back and forths with Klamor were the best parts. I like Titus mannerisms and the way he speaks. One of the secrets to writing successful RPs is understanding how your character talks and what he should say. You have this down with Titus. Ever since he turned heel youve had no problems with him.
What I didnt like
Some parts just didnt click or feel natural. I didn't care for the scene where Titus was at the MMA shop. I get what you were trying to do, people standing up to Titus. I think a pair of teens wouldve worked better than MMA store worker Dave. His dialogue didnt work for me. Vee has MMA experience so I dont so why is he picking Titus to win that match? Similarly with the next part, I understood the points you were making, the execution felt awkward at times. Titus came off as an upset child, all bitter and resentful. Because of all that I couldnt fully feel the anger Titus felt.
Vee A.D.Z.
What I liked
Keith Moore was a highlight for me. His dialogue was unique and different. Aside from hammering home the point of wanting a championship (More on that later), he was very entertaining. I like the descriptive lines in-between most of your dialogue. They add so much to the body of your RP, and help the reader visual things. I felt this RP had very good structure, in that you had an idea and that you carried it out and made sure the points you were trying to make got across. Im not a fan of matches in RPs, but these were well written. Vees sort of interview with Stacey had some good points and the meeting with his Dad was a feel good to the RP.
What I didnt like.
There were several times where the wording or phrasing of something that just bothered me. Right in the opening paragraph, Apparently, she had returned from England for Vees Unscripted week. I dont understand why she wouldnt be there. Did they have a fight? Prior engagements? I read your last RP to find out any reason why, but didnt find anything. Grammatically Vees first two lines were awkward. What bothered me the most was the last line I just I am so excited to meet them! Meet, to me, implies first time seeing. I understand hes excited to meet his parents, but see my parents works better. Because these all came so fast, it made enjoying your RP more difficult, even when we didnt see faults as much. Keith rushing them because he had another appointment in 45 minutes made no sense. Why would he agree to the appointment if I had to be somewhere in 45 minutes? To me the whole needed to be somewhere else was unnecessary. He drove home the point of wanting a championship, that was further driven by the match flashback, and then was not made a focal point of your closing remarks. You built it all up throughout the RP, and then touched a bunch of other different points at the end and it kind of fizzled at the end. From the roster page, I understand from the roster page Vees gimmick is an intellect. Im just not seeing that in the dialogue. I think the RP was good, just a whole bunch of little things really bogged it down for me.
Tony Mancini
What I like
I liked that you use description between dialogues. I wish you wouldnt use it after every time someone speaks. Maybe try grouping 2 or 3 peoples dialogue together, or make them longer. Your setting was clear and easy to understand. In the second part you had some clear cut points. You had ideas you wanted to get across and they did.
What I didnt like
You have an incredibly serious event that occurs in this RP, and you completely miss the emotion. I dont know what you built up previously to this moment, but what I got out from reading it all is Tony is a boring robot, and nothing has changed. Your next RP you could write them alive or dead, Tony is the same person. This type of event in an RP is one chance, you cant recreate this type of moment, and character development, connection with the audience, depth, these are things that needed to be created by the moment and none of them happened. The detective was a poorly written ass. Tony was not believable. Honestly I wouldve had him punch the dick and serve the jail time, since the next scene began 4 days later. I hate when people write tough guys and dont have embarrassing stuff happen to them, or show emotion, weakness, or feelings. Tonys one dimensional, hes a tough guy. Hes not funny, hes uncaring. He doesnt talk long enough for me to care what he says. Theres a lot of 1 or 2 line generic tough guy talk. All of this needs to improve before you can have any consistent success here.
Luke Manson
What I liked
I liked the focal point of getting fans to vote for street fight. When we have a PPV like Unscripted or LL, or the roulette rounds, I like when people make references to the variables of it. In this case, try to stir support for a stipulation. I like Coach, he has character and hes believable. You write him as well as you write Luke. Luke is very believable too. I liked how he was nervous, I like how his confidence built throughout the RP. The description was feel detailed and added to the dialogue.
What I disliked
I felt more couldve have been said about your opponent. Somethings were explained, but going into a match such as a street fight, Im not feeling the raw anger or rivalry between you both. It seems like this is the match, hes the opponent, he has this guy and other ways to manipulate the situation, go and write about it. I dont feel like this is something thats been building up between you.
Eve Taylor
What I liked
Wow. In some regards this could be the best RP Ive ever read. Its brilliant in its delivery, in its message. It flows without missing a bit. Its points are all valid. It keeps building, slowly at first, and then when Eve talks, Reynolds and Holmes are just destroyed. Eves desire for more is clear. Im honestly rooting for her now to go all the way and I think you are the odds on favourite to win LL and KC. Do that and I will hold you up to Ty Burna status.
What I disliked
It was different, and because it was different we didnt have things we would normally see in other RPs. It reminded me sort of of FunKays RP at KC 5. There I think he wrote an RP entirely of description. It was a word wall. This is a skinny word wall? No this wasnt difficult to read, but I feel because its pretty straight forward with not a whole lot to it, people are either going to like it or not. I dont think there will be many, if any, people that wont like it, but thats how I feel. Im reaching to dislike something about this.
Austin Reynolds
What I liked
This looked like an incredibly long RP, but it was actually quite easy to read. The stories were very well told. I like that everything about Reynolds was explained to me. I understand so much more about him now. His bitter resentfulness is clear. The opportunities he now has are all because of the most evil person in WZCW. Reynolds speaks one way and the description shows his feelings in another way, which allows more details to present themselves. Hes deeply conflicted. Likes and hates himself all at once. Everything builds up to Reynolds snapping at Leon and then coasts from there. You do an excellent job with everyone, Leon, Holmes, Constantine, even Abel has some good believable lines. Although there is so much going on in this RP, there are some particular points that stand out and get repeatedly brought back to, and this helps me understand what your trying for.
What I disliked
I wish something more could have been done to divide past and present. I see theres a double line space, but a couple of times I read it and had to stop because I didnt realize I was in a flash back. A line, or maybe even spoilers, wouldve helped. I get why you wanted to explain this all in one RP and left a lot of questions in prior RPs, but I think more shouldve been said or hinted at. A lot of what was said I guessed on my own, but knowing certain things ahead of time, such as your bitterness towards Ricky Runn, it couldve allowed you to expand more, rather than explain the whole thing. The end part with Constantine was too long. I wouldve ended the RP soon after Leon left. A lot, a lot of focus was put on Eve and the Elite Title. So much so, that the whole thing with Constantine wasnt adding much more. In fact, I think it made Reynolds look weaker leaning on Constantine. Straight up, shouldve been them sitting at the bar, question about how we can beat her, straight up numbers and her obsessions, cheers to a dominant stable. After Leon left, Reynolds basically conformed to his new pals, and his edge was watered down. I dont mind seeing Reynolds be one of the guys, but Id like to see him do this with a ting of regret. Hes not happy about his predicament, but hell do whatever is asked and whatever he wants. This are personal dislikes. This was a great RP. All because of Steven Holmes.
Xaitlyn Serpiente
What I liked
Theres been some grammatical improvement from the last RP that I read of yours. It was neatly divided and easy to read. The song was interesting to say the least, but the most important thing was it informed the reader something about your character. Kit was odd but intriguing. You need to paint the reader more of a picture of who Xaitlyn is and what makes her tick. It will make writing easier and clearer.
What I disliked
Breaking the RP in to two RPs was not necessary. I wouldnt hold it against you, but this should be just one. About the only time you should use 2 RPs is when working together with a partner and wanting 1 event to happen before another. What your characters are saying is not making sense from one line to the next.
Brendon: I am really proud of your performance against Tony Mancini.
Xaitlyn watches Brendon with a surprised look while he continues.
Brendon: I know that you lost your second consecutive match in WZCW. But the improvement shown by you in your second match impressed me. Competing a heavyweight like Mancini while being not even half of his weight is just too good.
Xaitlyn: Thanks. I am happy that I could do something to make you proud of myself. Still I couldn't get the win but I am determined enough to get my first win in WZCW as soon as possible.
Brendon is quite happy with her focused response and doesn't hesitate to show his happiness.
Brendon: That's what I wanted in you in the first place. Focus. Determination. Wins and Losses are secondary, Your performance in the ring is primary. I am truly glad for you and I am expecting you to win your debut PPV match at Unscripted.
Brendon says wins and losses are secondary, but brings them up early. Xaitlyn says the word determined, but before and after that she mentions win. How can Brendon feels she gets it, that wins are secondary, if thats all she thinks about. Brendon shouldve scolded Xaitlyn and reaffirmed where her mind should be. That or it all shouldve changed. The second part didnt read much better. The font choice made it difficult to read Sana. More emphasis shouldve been made for your upcoming match and teaming with LaBelle. I dont like the fact that your losses are continually brought up, or the fact that you dont care about wins and losses. It makes no sense. Youre much more likely to dismantle opponents if you win, just saying. Id stop all together saying youve lost 3 or 4 matches, or that your winless, and instead talk about specific struggles in the ring and write about growth in learning and craving more. It would work with your character.
Xander LaBelle
What I liked
The setting was very detailed. It created this wonderful image in my head. I love the banter between Labelle and Adonis. Theyre both stuck up, but in their own right. I can tell in this RP alone how important Labelle and Adonis are to each other. I get so much understanding of their characters from their dialogue. From Labelles closing remarks I understand who he is and what his goals are. The points came across good, and the whole thing read well. This is a well written RP for anyone reading for the first time.
What I disliked
The description was nice and a much needed break in between dialogues. It mainly focused on eating, drinking, and facial expressions and gestures. They were in conversations with groups of people before the conversation started, suddenly they were the only two men in the room. I can see if this was clearly done to add further smug and arrogance to their characters, the camera fixated on their faces, but I wouldve liked to see more full body gestures and interactions with others, maybe even speaking to one and singing the others praises. I think you couldve pulled it off. Im suggesting this because I really dont have much I dislike, and thing maybe more variety couldve added to great RP.
Flex Mussel
What I liked
There were a lot of things going on in this RP. The opening was interesting. I know nothing about the feud thats gone on between you and Slaughter, so Im not sure what it all means, Im not sure if it was meant to tie into Flexs father. It was a tone setter that worked at times. I think I get the theme you were trying to do, Flex overcoming his fears. There were parts that really worked. The final part was touching. Mother Mussel stole the show.
What I disliked
There were a lot of things going on in this RP. I havent read any of your RPs this cycle, so I dont know if youve been building towards anything. I wasnt lost on who the characters were and their basic purpose, but between dream sequences, flashbacks, best friends and ex girlfriends, introduction of a sister, mother, it was a lot to take in, not sure about how this all came about. Flex was not the focus or driving star of this RP, and neither was your opponent. Everyone from Charles to Mother Mussel drove this story and I felt Flex was just there for the ride. I didnt feel a connection to Flex early on and because of that I didnt enjoy it as much as I shouldve
Ramparte
What I liked
Right away Im drawn in by your detailed description. Rampartes actions are magnified when they need to be, and the whole thing reads smooth. I like the way Ramparte talks, er writes, its unique and creative. Rampartes inner struggle and turmoil is clearly present and interests me. I think just the right amount was said about your opponent. I think that one line about killing Kagura said it all. Good tension breaker that lead to a nice ending. Sometimes we all just need to scream.
What I disliked
Honestly, so far the toughest one to give an answer to. Got sick watching that video. I disliked the fact that your RP had to end. Thats all I got, if I think of something else I dont like Ill let you know.
Kagura Joheki
What I liked
Ech you are an artist. I like your description, first of the setting, then tone. You provide excellent description of Kaguras movements and mannerisms. Dialogue tends to get a little tongue tied at times, but Kagura is one sick evil person. You have an excellent way with words.
What I disliked
It was very repetitive. I think I read 9 times where you referenced stealing his voice and how he wont get it back, no matter what. You made some direct references to Rampartes growing feelings for Batti, and that seemed like an attempt to add something else. I look at this RP and I see that you had an idea or two, and then ran with it a few times over till you had an RP. Great writing, each part excellent dialogue, just was re done over and over with a little extra each time.
It looks like a lot of time and effort went into this RP and in terms of its structure, it shows. We got the set up, the turning point, and the conclusion, and all three were well paced, solidly written, explained many things while leaving some mystery regarding what will happen from here. Its been a long time since I read one of your RPs, whereas I struggled at times understanding the world Theron lived in, this one was easier to follow and clear in its intent. I dont need to tell you that you are a terrific writer. This was a well written RP.
What I disliked
Two things, and one has nothing to do with the RP really. The first thing is when you discussed your opponents. All too often you see this in triple threat or fatal four ways where a paragraph, 2 tops, gets devoted to each opponent. The RPer writes his story, says a few things about his opponents, and ends it. Thats pretty much the template here, although to be fair to you given the way Theron talks theres nothing plain or ordinary about it. The ripping character sheets aside, which I really did like, I wouldve liked to see you dissect your opponents more with Tiffany under your new gimmick. Maybe focus on one more than the others. That brings me to your gimmick change. I think its brilliant what you have done, Shawn playing a character playing another character. Theres a lot of potential there, but I think you got cold feet about switching to chaotic good. What Im worried about is rather than having this edgy, dangerous good guy, well get a watered down version instead, because nobel good guy Daggershield is playing the Chaotic good Blackjack. Talking with Tiffany in the 2nd part, there wasnt much different between Daggershield preparing for the match, and Blackjack preparing for it. Yea he mentioned opportunities instead of making sure, but the difference is comparable to vanilla and vanilla with mocca. Im confused how his transition went unnoticed to him, but then in the interview he acknowledged the changes. Wouldnt he just assume hes always been this way? The RP is great, the gimmick Im concerned about, but I know what youre capable of, so Im not too worried.
Veejay
What I liked
I liked that you went in a very clear direction. I get the feeling that theres some bad blood between Veejay and Doe, and maybe youve seen some buttons being passes around, but I liked that you made Doe your main focus. It was smart that you didnt completely forget about Theron and Ryder. It was also smart to put us over, in case you did compete against one of them and beat them. Barging into Batemans office, I dont know if it was out of character, but it worked for me. It gave it a personal touch that I honestly havent seen in most of the RPs I read.
What I disliked
It was a little on the short side, a little bare bones. Veejays a movie star, so I understand the voicemail thing, but it just seemed like filler. I wouldve liked to see something with Veejays wife, maybe a flash back to one of these stalking incidents. Some more description between some dialogues wouldve helped. Veejay grinded his teeth and slammed some things, and I wouldve liked to see more. Beyond those things, the RP was good, and kept me interested enough to see what happens next.
James Howard
What I liked
I see were playing the role of Kevin Owens today. I like it, theres always going to be that connection between Howard and Mikey, so why not go there. It shows what Howards main focus is, and that hes prepared to go whatever to get there. I loved the calmness to start RP before it began to build up. Your focus on McAllister was outstanding. I read this is one of Foleys books, the secret to being a good heel is believing that you are right, no matter how ridiculous it may be. You found something to attack McAllister with, that Howard can relate to, and you sound so in the right its hard to argue against Howard, except for the fact hes a jerk. The second last paragraph was chillingly good. Great ending
What I disliked
What? No Aerosmith? Fore sham. Aside from a lack of a musical ending, I dont have much. It couldve benefitted from some sort of descriptive ending, rather than the straight end. There wasnt much that I disliked. For a thrown together feud, I thought it was great.
Logan McAllister
What I liked
Ah Bostonian dialect. Its a setting all by itself. I enjoyed a lot of the dialogue between the family. I wouldve like to see more descriptive setting to start the sections. It really helps build a tone and adds to the dialogue. Good presentation on Logans family. Its nice to see things are good for them, but there needs to be conflict at some point and time. I might have also combined the two Hayden sections. Maybe have them leaving Wrigley to get pizza. I liked how you sectioned everything off in the RP. You listened to a suggestion I gave you, about having something from the past, something present, and discussing your match. It doesnt always have to be sectioned off, it could even be all in one, but I really liked that you did that. I wouldve liked to see Logan more mad in the first section. Otherwise, I liked most of the first two sections.
What I disliked
I hate seeing RPs where characters talk about losing and not being successful. It can be expressed in thought or action, but out right saying it bothers me. Youre having your character put himself down and it leaves you with a hole to dig yourself out. Logan came right out and said it in the interview with Stacey without being asked a question. The interview wasnt great. The interviewer should lead your answers, your response should counter what they say and put yourself over. Logan also brought up fluke, which prompted Stacey to ask about it, which was never really answered there afterwards. If Stacey asks those questions first, you can dismiss them and put yourself over, talk about getting advice or building towards a goal. When Logan took the mic from Stacey, that paragraph came off very heel to me. Logans character is better suited as a heel than a face. To bring my example Kevin Owens again, you can be a great dad and still a jerk. Last thing, you missed a golden opportunity when Stacey asked about the stipulations. Logan just promised his kid he would win a title by next year. Talk about the title shot and give some heartfelt reason why you need to win this match and get that shot. Touch up on these areas and you have yourself a good RP.
If this RP is the only one from your team (I have my suspicions that Jeff did submit an RP to creative), then it did as good of a job as it could've on its own. You did a very good job painting the scene. There was lot's of description in the beginning. I like Robert, he reminds me of Mick from Rocky. I feel that training scenes are typically bland and overdone. Not this one. It felt different, I was able to get a good understanding about each character, how they behave and act and how they are feeling. I like the fact that the RP went from Cooper being the strong link and Keaton being the weak one, to the opposite. The limping line at the end was a nice finish to an RP that clearly foreshadowed this. If your partner didn't RP, at least you helped build him and your team up.
What I disliked
The description died towards the 2nd half and became very dialogue heavy. Especially after Keaton's passionate speech regarding your opponents, I would've like to see you dive into have Cooper was feeling, aside from the knee pain. A sense of pride, or a twinkle in his eye, something to indicate both how proud he was of his partner, and the fear that this knee injury could spell disaster. Despite the knee pain, I would've liked to have seen Cooper stand up from the wall and take a step, fighting through the pain. It was great how you passed along confidence to your partner, I just would've liked to see Cooper overcome his newfound fear also. All in all though, great RP.
Constantine/Hunnicutt
What I liked
I've decided to combine both. I liked the church setting. It's a nice quiet place for reflection and thought. It's a also a place where childhood trauma usually gets revealed. Very happy it wasn't the pastor. It set a very serious tone to start. I liked reading RP's where the beginning and ending are really connected. In this case there were two lines I liked "Everything happens for a reason" and "Strength, my son. Your biggest challenges are yet to come" Holmes is the reason for Vis Imperium coming together, but given the history it makes sense for Constantine to be cautious. Despite all that Holmes and Constantine's Dad have done to him, it makes sense that he still feels a need to prove himself. FunKay continues the reflection, this time with Abel. I haven't read a Hunnicutt RP since one of his first. I really like his distinct dialect. I like how you kept the dark and serious tone. I like that we learned about Abel's broken upbringing, it really shows that these two have a lot more in common than appearances would have you believe. Holmes and Constantine bickering was a highlight. These two RP's worked really well together.
What I disliked
I didn't care for the opening. I suppose it goes with your current gimmick (weren't you a sack carrying psycho a few months ago?), but I've would've gone low key with the intro. Entering the church by yourself and the look inside reminding you of good and bad times, leading to Erik. The fanfare intro I felt just didn't go with the rest of the RPs. Abel's dialogue can get tiring and difficult to read after a while. Yours didn't, but I'm just saying.
Garth Black
What I liked
I love a good shoot. Won myself a couple of titles with these types of RPs. Something about an individual promo just appeals to me. You say all the right things here. Something I always found useful in RPing is referencing the past. Matches, promos, statements e.t.c. Theres gold there that you can build entire RPs off of. I like how you referenced Garths past highlighting his struggles, but didnt do it in such a way to make Black come off looking bad or negative. Lets face it, Garths hasnt had much success her up until now. You couldve easily talked about your past and made yourself look out of place in a WZCW title match. I didnt feel that. Garth vs the Machine is whats kept Garth back, not Garth. And the way you call out Stormrage and Tastic. Like I said, the past is gold. Really liked the whole build up of this RP.
What I disliked
It was on the verge of becoming too long. At times it was a little all over the place. In the middle especially it bounced back and forth between past and present. Otherwise I got nothing.
Mikey Stormrage
What I liked
It only makes sense to have a Pokemon Go moment in a Stormrage RP. As expected, this RP was very relaxed. As an underdog holding the biggest title in WZCW, you made some good points about living the dream and how its changed your life. It was nice to read about the Hell in the Cell and Mikeys history inside the cell. Some good things were said about Tastic, but you saved the best for Black, which I think was the right move.
What I disliked
It was a little underwhelming. Its the character really. Hes too relaxed and jolly. He says what needs to be said, but I just dont feel the emotion when I read it. Hes very oh well and wo is me to start, and by the time you get to your opponents, I dont believe that you believe what you are saying. Id have liked to see someone like Klamour push or challenge Stormrage, rather than good old buddy Leon. Really bother Stormrage until he see a moment of anger or rage. Black has really laid it thick on you, so I wouldve really liked to see him bother Stormrage. Black should have been more of your focus. Stormrage has a lot to prove in this match, that his win wasnt a fluke, so I wouldve liked to see more of that out of him. Overall it was a good RP, it just didnt have an it factor to it to put it over the top.
Matt Tastic
What I liked
This was really good. A long way from Kickassery. Speaking of Kickassery, we see Alisha return from that era. The whole back and worth was a good set up to go along with the quote. I liked the whole theme of the RP, very reflective of whats happening right now in the world. Garth Black was your main focus and that was smart. Tactic knows hes the better man, and I loved in your last paragraph how you really made that apparent. Right now no one in WZCW has had as much success and accomplishments as you have. I used that frequently as Showtime and now youre doing the same thing.
What I disliked
Id like to say something bothered me, or that you couldve done something better, but I really cant come up with anything. It was very good.
Wow, that is a serious piece of work. The cutaway flashbacks told a deep and complex story that shows what Austin's life was like whilst he was shelved. There's not a huge amount to really criticise, though I'd say Leon is grittier than usual. It fits with the tone of the piece overall but it's not the Leon everyone else uses, adding depth to a character like Leon is never a bad thing. I'm more complaining that development of that nature is difficult to make stick in any meaningful way which is a damn shame. Leon as the put upon journalist as opposed to the weak and frail face interviewer makes the character much more fun.
I rarely read other people's RPs these days so I'm glad your feedback encouraged me to read yours. It's good work but some sentences overstay their welcome a little and the tone you've chosen is a hard one to maintain.
Warning- This maybe fatal for your RolePlay career. All I am gonna tell is how I feel as a simple RolePlay reader. Nothing else.
*. Ramparte (Spidey)
=>Spam Thoughts: Damn Good!
=> This is a great piece to read. The emotions have been rightly exposed in this RolePlay of yours. Referring each champion be it singles or tag in your RolePlay enhanced the quality of your RolePlay a lot. This RolePlay for me is easily deserving of a championship win. It even could be a world title win as it's worthy enough to justify that..
*. Tony/Anthony Mancini (Frank N Stein)
=>Spam Thoughts: Your Best till now!
=> This is your best RolePlay for me until now. We needed to learn that Mancini is also a human being and however may the parents behave with their children, 90% children do love their parents. The emotions shown by Mancini were quite right. Grammatical errors were absent which is good for you. My only problem is that it isn't enough. I know Quality > Quantity, but given that it's Roulette Round, and you could even face Black for the World Title, I would've preferred more stuff. Still Kudos to you for such a good piece.
Not to much here as I thought it was a decent RP but there is something I feel I have to mention.
Your sentence structure makes it pretty obvious that English is not your first language. It reads like it just got spit out by Google translate and that's not a good thing. If it happened once or twice it wouldn't be a big deal but it's numerous times in every paragraph. When I read your RPs it takes me out of the scene your trying to paint for the reader which as you know is a bad thing.
If you need a native English speaker to help with this my PM box is always open.
I'm going to be brutally honest here and I hope it's not to harsh.
I didn't like it much. I haven't really liked any of your RPs besides the last one. It gave us a look at Xaitlyn's past and it was unique and amazing. It gave you something to expand on in this and you failed. The letter was a nice touch but it was all there was. You didn't talk WZCW, your match or anything you should have talked about. It was very lackluster and the fact that everything was in a spoiler tag made it even worse. Had just the picture been in spoiler tags it would have been OK.
Your RPs need to concentrate on Xaitlyn and her life. What she's going through in & out of WZCW not her sister & her career.
I'm here if you need help as are others. Don't be afraid to send a PM if it's needed.
you said you tried something new with this RP right? Well it worked, this is my favorite RP of yours to date.
I loved the interaction between Vee and his father. It's something I as a reader can relate to. my complaint above I had with your last RP wasn't there this time which made it a lot easier to read.
I would have liked if you had referenced your match a little bit more but that's more a personal thing than anything else. I've seen RPs that don't mention the match at all win.
I for one like this style for you and hope you keep using it. Awesome work.
I liked it. The Boston accent is even growing on me.
Seriously though, you hit every point I like to see in an RP and I'm excited to see where this thing between Logan & Britney is going.
Is it enough for the Elite Openweight Championship? I really don't know. Numbers' RP is his usual amazing work so whoever comes out with the W & the title will have deserved it. Good luck.
I really enjoyed this one. I like that Adonis was the focal point but still managed to discuss the match.
I know I gave Vee the win in the prediction thread but now I'm not so sure. You & Vee both did an amazing job this round and hit all the points I like to see in a RP.
There is so much in this RP and you did everything perfectly.
The back and froth between Austin and Holmes was fun to read and ending it with Holmes remind Austin just who gave him his second chance made me feel anger towards Holmes for being a dick and sorry for Reynolds for having to put up with it so he can provide for his daughters.
Then right after that we get first hand knowledge of why he's doing this with Austin just spending time with his daughters. Throughout this RP Austin came off as a heel not because he's a bad person but because he has no choice but to do what he needs to in order to keep what he has.
I liked Logan's RP but I loved yours. If you don't retain I'll be surprised.
In short, this was functional and I’m not sure it can be described as more than that.
What you posted felt like it should have been bookended by something either side. How did the former World Champion (a face) end up talking to the equivalent of a heel jobber? That really should have been explored, there has to be something set up for that.
I have to say i think your RPs are just too short and therefore lacking real substance. As a result they're just really missing the points that it could and should be hitting but you cannot ignore having a beginning and an end. This started out of nowhere when Mikey comes in and then finishes when Mikey goes. There’s not much in the way of character development, I don’t think we really find out to much that we don’t already know.
You have to give us more of a window into Tony’s world, rather than a snapshot. Dare I say that you need to try and double your word count and aim to give us that basic story structure; a beginning, middle and end as well as an interesting event or two.
This RP is by far your best. 10x better than any before it I'm bummed you got rid of Stokes. I think you could have kept him and has him at odds with Xaitlyn and what she wants but that's just me. I am thrilled you kept Enette though. With Xaitlyn being what she is getting rid of her would have been a huge mistake. You did a great job taking Xaitlyn & Vee's MMA history and tying it into your match. The emails are a nice touch on occasion and it worked here.
My only complaint is the same one I've given to Vee in the grammar structure. It's was horrible and kept taking me out of the story every couple of sentences. I've never seen it this bad in your other posts so I'm confused why it was this bad here.
That aside I really did enjoy it. Keep taking the feedback to heart like you did here and you'll only get better.
Showtime, as requested bud: not sure what I’ve got to add for you except maybe a reassurance that you’re doing a fine job.
The Lottery Round RP:
I think this is where my absence affects how I understand the character so don’t necessarily take this as a negative. The talk of Leonard really threw and I had to reread the first section over again. You do a great job of selling the back story even if it was lost on me a little bit. I definitely feel like you’re building to something massive but I’ve no idea what.
The interview ends feels a little samey, like it was cut and pasted from any other RP. But I guess the novelty of the character doesn’t wear off that easily and that’s testament to the work you’ve done with him so far and I suppose it works better for the Roulette Rounds where the affectionate cluelessness of the character puts him on a level playing field.
You faced Tastic, Cooper and Mussel. Killjoy may have well no-showed, but Dynamite and Prophet are outstanding. Dynamite’s RP was one I really enjoyed as my first exposure to the Mussel character. Prophet’s easily could have taken the win. You did well to win this but I could easily have seen any one of your three opponents take the win. In your bid to figure out who won here, I can’t help unfortunately
AS110 – Vis Imperium vs Tastic and Ryder
Well I loved Dave’s RP and Killjoy’s was good if a little too off topic for my taste. Funkay’s was a non event and yours was unformatted and had a lot of typos. I’d see this as basically a 1 v 1.5 between Constantine and Tastic & Ryder, so you start with a big advantage.
Yours is fully formed and it does have that unmistakeable charm & personality, which clearly has got Ryder so far. But I feel like you had the match won before you started.
MD134 – Flex Mussel vs Noah Ryder
The one thing that stands out when comparing these RPs is that the “promo” part itself in your RP is outstanding. It’s absolutely brutal and rips Flex apart on Ryder’s terms. Until that point, the RPs were very difficult to split. But I think that section gets you the win. It’s possible that Dynamite’s focus on The Hollow Ones cost him but I think it’s the promo that wins it.
*
In each of your RPs, you very clearly divide it into sections. Your characters are well defined and there’s nothing complex in the character. It’s simple but in a largely positive way. You’re always got an interview segment, I can’t say I like that but you handle it very well.
I honestly can’t put my finger on why you won all three beyond a bit of circumstance and personal judgement. We’ve been back there before and maybe there are a couple of people who like what you’re doing with your RPs. In that regard it’s difficult to tell you to change something unless you want to.
I guess you could refine it a little, do something different with the character but I have a feeling why you’ve not done that. You clearly have a plan with the character and you shouldn’t deviate from it.
Roulette Round RP
The first part of this RP between Jessica and Steven was a great way to get a glimpse of Noah's past from Jessica's perspective was a really nice touch. I like how Jessica comes off kind of like a bitch until Steven's outburst explaining why he stays with him when Jessica left and then she calms down a bit and has a civil conversation. Not to many people can pull of the depth of emotions that was shown here and I really like it because you did it perfectly.
And then we get the part with Noah. it was short but perfect. you played into the randomness of what they roulette shows can bring but did it in a way that really showcased the memory loss Ryder has. All in all a great RP made even better when you bring in the fact you had no idea who you were facing when you did this one.
Ascension 110: Vis Imperium vs. Matt Tastic and Noah Ryder - Non Title
you took 3 different scenes with only Noah being the constant and nailed all 3 supporting characters. I can't think of anyone else who would be able to do it like you did here. It all worked perfectly and the 3 scenes worked well both separetely and apart.
Meltdown 134: Noah Ryder versus Flex Mussel
Another great RP. you break all your RPs into sections and it just works. A lot of people I think would try to hard to do something very simple like this and mess it up. I know I would anyway.
My general thoughts
you asked in the discussion thread how you keep winning. The answer is an easy one, you're that good. I can't speak for everyone but I love the Noah Ryder character and I get excited whenever I see you posted a new RP.
If I could think of a single think I think can be improved it's the dialogue between Steven and Noah. Throughout all 3 RPs my favorite parts where the ones between Noah and other people or Jessica and Steven. With Noah and Steven together it's the same. Noah and Steven talk about the upcoming match has but with Noah's memory problems he talks about an outdated roster than he remembers and Steven doesn't tell him the truth. It's perfectly well written the way you have it but I think this would make the great RPs you but out even better.
Before giving the feedback I need to say quite a few things about your RPs. Your RPs are not the customary one that many does. Yours is peculiar, in a way that, you bring a story to the table. I don't read your RPs as having potentiality to win matches, I just read them and enjoy them as a story. That's what the reader needs, isn't that?
Alright, let's get into the feedback now.
First of all, your RPs have very few characters and you use them quite well. Less scenes creates less confusion and more comfortability to read. Your RP provides that with ease. What I didn't like in the story is, the lack of emotions in your characters. It maybe contradict to what Milenko said, but the truth is your characters lack a certain level of emotions, in their statements if I've to say precisely. In the first segment, you described a couple of times that Steven shouted. But the dialogues he spoke didn't have the same emotion as described. The reader should sort out the emotions in the story both by dialogues and descriptions. Other than that, I've no problem with that segment.
The second segment is a brief conversation between Steven and Ryder which seemed misplaced a bit until you cleverly welded that with the backstage interview. It might be odd to say that I love these repetitive backstage interviews. You write a story, so it is necessary to add few bits and pieces about the match. These interviews provide that. Moreover, it creates a sympathy of some sort for your character.
Win or loss, you write a story and it'll pay off in big junctures.
This wasn't your good work to be honest. I was surprised that you got the win, when I read the shows. It was completely opposite to the RP that I talked about before. You focussed much on your opponent. It wasn't fun to read that 3 times in the RP. It was quite average, unformatted and it times I couldn't figure out which dialogue belongs to whom. I can understand the time constraint and real life got the best of you. Perhaps you got the win by Killjoy's RP.
RP against Flex Mussel
This RP seemed a bit more personal and I liked it. Despite it focuses more on the opponent, it was very nice to read. But the problem is, there are lot of typos in your RP. Sometimes it makes me think they aren't typos. You use 'your' instead of 'you're' in lots of places. So does you use 'than' instead of 'then'. These are the few things I've noticed. You probably should proofread them before posting. They are minor errors but when they occur more than once it really affects the quality of RP.
It's a little tough to write a RP or build a story when you don't have any potential opponents. But in the case of Noah Ryder, you always have an alternate option, KFAD. You used that in this RP. You focussed a little more on that. It really would've been a tough call for the creative to vote on that match but I reckoned you had the better chance.
Idk if it's just me, but it felt like Flex gloating about retiring Showtime really put some spark in your RP as well.
So that's it. You are a great story teller. You just need to keep building the story of Leonard. When you're out of ideas you've the better weapon in the form of KFAD. Proofreading will really help your RP much better.
You're high on my list of best to never win the World Title and RPs like this are the reason why.
I loved it. It went into what was going on with Saxton while he was away. It set up the Lottery match and why it's important. My favorite part though was the little nod to the past with the picture with Saboteur & Krypto.
I can't say you'll win but I will predict a top 10 placement.
Sorry this is rather lame as far as things to improve on goes but I honestly couldn't find anything.
We have already talked about this RolePlay a lot. But the RolePlay you posted isn't the same I expected. You removed that phrases about God and I think that you shouldn't have done so. They were a nice touch of Spirituality in your RolePlay. Those would have really enhanced your RolePlay. Father saying that he had planned a long sermon but won't do it is even more lame. It's totally dumb. Sermon is Father's job and he would/should do it no matter who the people listening to it are. I loved your that RolePlay but I can only like this RolePlay now. It went from good to mediocre just because lack of logic, atleast for me.
We have already talked about this RolePlay a lot. But the RolePlay you posted isn't the same I expected. You removed that phrases about God and I think that you shouldn't have done so. They were a nice touch of Spirituality in your RolePlay. Those would have really enhanced your RolePlay. Father saying that he had planned a long sermon but won't do it is even more lame. It's totally dumb. Sermon is Father's job and he would/should do it no matter who the people listening to it are. I loved your that RolePlay but I can only like this RolePlay now. It went from good to mediocre just because lack of logic, atleast for me.
I'll go ahead and do a rare response to an RP Feedback. You have to take into consideration how long his RP is this round. Tony Mancini has ALOT to say and a chunk of it is in the church. When I got to the priest doing a long ass sermon in the middle of the RP (complete with verses no less) it completely stopped any momentum the RP had and it wasn't necessary. Sure it was realistic, but in the end it was padding and did nothing to advance the RP. Franko removing the long sermon from the RP was a wise move and I'm sure creative will agree when they read it.
Keeping the sermon would be too risky for this important LL RP.
This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
. 
It set a very serious tone to start. I liked reading RP's where the beginning and ending are really connected. In this case there were two lines I liked "Everything happens for a reason" and "Strength, my son. Your biggest challenges are yet to come" Holmes is the reason for Vis Imperium coming together, but given the history it makes sense for Constantine to be cautious. Despite all that Holmes and Constantine's Dad have done to him, it makes sense that he still feels a need to prove himself. FunKay continues the reflection, this time with Abel. I haven't read a Hunnicutt RP since one of his first. I really like his distinct dialect. I like how you kept the dark and serious tone. I like that we learned about Abel's broken upbringing, it really shows that these two have a lot more in common than appearances would have you believe. Holmes and Constantine bickering was a highlight. These two RP's worked really well together.
