RP Feedback Thread

[Lee]

Logan McAllister.

I'm going to start by saying that I'm not sure if your RP will be counted. It was past the 24 hour deadline extension but the thread was open. Who knows.

I loved seeing a bit from Hayden's point of view, brilliant. Though not sure he would use the word hellacious or protocol would he?

I liked it but the choice of language for Hayden is just very off unless you've aged him and I haven't realised. I also like that you kind of expect to lose to Tastic but are going to give it a go, that keeps it real. Too often a "I'm going to beat him" thing is used when it's not needed. This was the perfect opportunity for it.

 

[Lee]

Ramparte

Before the FHD's it was a tendency that tag teams didn't talk when RPing. After FHD's most do. Cerberus did it their own way. My personal choice is something like this. It fits with Veejays and a mild overlap but as a whole it's your own thing.

I've yet to work out if I'm supposed to like Batti or not. That causes me confusion.

All in all I liked the RP, Ramparte being calm collected explaining why he's changed is good. I particularly liked the silent interaction with Dilip. Worked so well and set the tone nicely.

 

[a0161613]

I'm sure I'll get back to leaving better feedback but for the moment this will have to do.

Lee/Titus:
This was a damn fun read and extremely well written. It could have been awkward to pull off but you nailed it. This seemed to be the right time for this kind of RP. I used to feel that you didnt always "bring it" and you were frustratingly inconsistent. I'm glad that from what I can gather that isn't a problem anymore.

I also remember pushing for your heel turn a long time ago as well. If I recall you were resistant in the same way that Dagger is now but I am glad that you came to that conclusion yourself and seem to be reaping the benefits.

Ramparte:
An interesting effort. I've always felt that RPs that revisit things like matches are difficult to pull off well.

Both of you wrote these well written. I've got Lee winning mainly because I thought the idea and execution were better.

Prophet/Cooper:
Excellent idea, formatted very well in the first part. Putting the text separately was a good idea but the key was how well written this was. What I like most is how you have settled on a face character and are running with it. Your experience certainly seem to have helped This was the best uniquely written and formatted RP since Ace Steven did that one with Facebook or Twitter....

It would take a very good RP to win against this. I've not read TBK's yet and if it wins it would be unfortunate. He was a very good RPer.

Dagger/Theron:
I liked it as the first Theron RP that I've read but I think it could have gone farther. It seemed to have very little depth to it and it was lacking enough venom for me. I appreciate that something in Theron is changing with having a ringside manager but I'm not sure his frustrations at his recent fortunes came across that well.

 

[ABMorales787]

Tony Mancini - Again, bad Italian mob stereotypes pop up. I have ZERO clue how "The family is declining" why "other families are siding with the Valentinos" or "why people want to be a part of the family". It's just cheap jargon to me and I care nothing at all for it. And then the RP just randomly steers into talking about the match. I thought this was actually a decline from the Gold Rush. At least that one was less jarring going from one subject to another.

2/10

Veejay - Don't use yellow. I think the luminescence of it gave me a migraine. And I wish I was kidding. RP was passable at best. I didn't feel it much for this one. From experience I can tell you that noting how frustrated you are with losses does more to set you back that actually help you. It's far better to create a scenario that completely distracts from said losses than make them a notable part of you RP.

5/10

Ramparte - Fun, short, good piece. Don't really have anything bad to say about it. The Ramparte/Batti dynamic is really hitting it's stride.

8/10

Kagura - It was short and sweet. Which tends to be the best kind of TV RP. It moved the story, it put Kagura over, the basics. Though I kinda feel this dialog was better served for a one on one match which may be a problem if said one on one match happens.

7/10

Constantine - Well this was a great piece. Basically using Titus to juxtapose Constantine's mindset present time. Really good stuff and knowing all the references from the past, I dig 'em. Great one here.

8/10

Eve Taylor - Someone tell Falkon to stop being amazing. I mean Jesus Christ, this was fantastic. Eve just rocked it making that title mean more than the very thing she wanted most in life. And at the same time it makes her come off so sadistic. It was a very good piece. Better than Gold Rush dare I say.

10/10

Justin Cooper - This was a pretty good read. Cooper's face has been handled pretty well and the RP's have done a good job explaining the guilt he's felt for Keaton. The graphic was a nice twist and I'm glad a transcript version was there because downloading and reopening to read can make it a bit tedious. Yes, I can be that lazy.

6/10

Noah Ryder - At first I was worried you'd go the "I lose so I'm frustrated route" then you flat out pressed a hard reset. Though I don't know how I feel about the gun. It certainly was a good piece. But I may go with Cooper since he left the door open for what's next with his character. Both were neck and neck though

6/10

Luke Manson - This was better than Gold Rush. But not exactly all that moving. It's a deadbeat working to impress his kid. It's not going far right now. At some point something needs to change.

3/10

Garth Black - A fucking tech support call. That was quite hilarious. I was a fantastic piece using something so minimal. The dialog was just great and showing how it just seems the universe is after Garth in the most detailed way possible.

8/10

Titus - The Bob Backlund autograph gag won me. It was a really good piece. I'm not quite sure what the timetravel/memery flash bit was for but it did highlight what the title means to you. It was a quite strong piece to defend with.

7/10

Flex Mussel - I felt you missed big with not having the Batman line in there. Either all it certainly was a strong piece that was written specifically to put yourself over Titus. Which is something he was missing. They're both very solid pieces but I have to give it to Flex because of that detail.

8/10

Vee ADZ - It was a pretty simple piece. It was OK, but I don't think sciencing over wrestling moves is gonna get the win over the World Champion.

5/10

Mikey Stormrage - Sure. I guess that would be how a goofy World Champion would act his first week as Champion.

7/10

Theron Daggershield - This was a great piece to start anew from a different point of view. It certainly helps to freshen things up. It was good stuff and it helps stretch Therons world.

7/10

Austin Reynolds - This was a great comeback piece. Abel was used as a fantastic tool to make something new out of Austin. It's certainly what helped Austin go over Theron who also had a very good piece.

7/10

John Doe - It was a pretty good piece that keeps Doe from stumbling from his loss at the PPV. The video thing was kind of a pain though. I can read pretty fast but not that fast. Not to mention I can't see it.

7/10

Xander LeBell - I feel this one went a bit too long. After a while it felt like it was just droning a bit. The dialog was fine, but again, it felt like it just kept going.

6/10

 

[Prince Vee]

THERON DAGGERSHIELD

I like this new perspective of your RP. It gives you an advantage that even if this new try doesn't work, you can easily switch Theron back to his old-self. Alright, let's discuss about the pros and cons in this RP.

It's quite hard for you to develop your character when you don't know the path where you're headed to. With no real feud for Theron it is going to be tough for you to evolve.

The flashback part is the vital part in your RP. You left a few questions unanswered. Neatly done, it gives you an opportunity to develop a story in the future. The only thing I didn't like is the message Tiffany sent to Ian. She asked Ian's help for the match his match against Abel Hunnicutt and Constantine. She simply could've asked him what happened at the night of Ascension 69 but instead she asked for his help. This will work if Theron is going to have a feud with Steve Holmes/Abel. But it is unsure. This makes the help that Tiffany asked Ian a little irrational. How can he possibly help with the match being over at the end of the show?

Theron changed his Entrance music in the last show and now his Entrance Theme. I like to see where this is going. These are not substantial changes in Theron, I want to see more of it.

Another confusing part is the 2013 Theron and Tiffany. "She hugs 2013 Theron..." that was confusing. We know things are happening in the flashback so the year wasn't necessary.

It's a solid RP but tough to rate it without seeing how things are progressing in the next set of shows. I would recommend you to ask the creative team to develop the character of Theron in the backstage interviews during the shows. It'll lessen your burden and you can focus more on Theron himself.

I'm writing this review using my Phone so it's a little hard to write. If you've anything to discuss about this RP, either PM me or quote me in the D&D thread. Cheers!

 

[ShinChan]

Tony Mancini

It's my first feedback so spare me if I say something wrong. It's only my point of view and it maybe wrong or right.

Firstly, I didn't like this type of writing. The one you used was way better than it. That was pretty clear, here it isn't. No specific colour for Gino worsened the situation because his dialogues often got mixed with the narrative.

Secondly, I already told you about the silly mistakes. Nah, I amn't saying you silly, instead I am saying that mistakes weren't worth. Like [/color], LaBelle etc. Either crosscheck multiple times yourself or get it checked through anyone like me. I would ensure 0 grammatical mistakes atleast.

Thirdly, The matter of this RolePlay was much better than the previous ones. It showcased Tony as a calculative heel who notices his opponent's weaknesses and strengths just to ensure his win. Gettin' better and better.

Rating: **

 

[a0161613]

Xaitlyn:
For a debut RP this leaves too many questions. It was not good and far too short. It doesn’t accomplish what it needed to.

What do we know now about Xaitlyn? Nothing at all. We know she words things strangely, speaks an unusual language, talks to a snake like a crazy person and is rude to the one person who is her link to WZCW.

We also know that there’s no attention to the match and no details at all about who she faces. I’d question what research you’ve done into either guy. This is the most frustrating part about the RP, for no matter how damnright strange the rest of the RP is, a good attack Ryder and Manson could have rescued it. With no disrespect to Showtime or FWR – I think these guys will know what I’m trying to say – right now you couldn’t have asked for two easier guys to attack right now than Ryder and Manson.

You had a great opportunity and let it slide. I don’t mean to sound like an asshole but I think this (along with what I’ve said before) has to be said.

FWR:
I would call this a missed opportunity as well and in many ways it’s a worse RP than Xaitlyn’s. If I write this match Manson takes the fall and doesn’t get a lot of action – it’d be a pretty dominant squash for Ryder.

The worst offence in this is that it’s a bog-standard interview, a poor attempt at one that gets the Stacey Madison character as well as failing to hit any of the points that it needed to.

Ryder:
The worst RP from you that I’ve ever read but it’s more than enough to win this match. Hopefully creative write this as a display of what the Ryder character is like because apart from winning (and not cashing in KFAD) I don’t know anything a whole lot about this character.

 

[Dave]

Xaitlyn Serpiente (Freakin' Cesaro)

Did I vote for you to win: No

Why: There's a lot to be said here and I know that some of it might come off as being nasty. But that's not my intention here. This is your first time around in WZCW and it can often be a challenge to get to grips with what Creative want to see in a role play. With that in mind, I thought I would give you some feedback on your debut RP so that you can keep on progressing.

So let's get the negatives out of the way first of all. Firstly, the formatting is quite messy. I would suggest using black font for any description that is being told, and coloured font for any speech. That way, there is no confusion about what is actually happening. A couple of times in the RP, I thought someone was speaking when it was actually description.

Secondly, not enough is going on in the RP. You started of really well, in terms of presenting a story to us. I get that Xaitlyn and Ennette have been friends for a long time and Ennette is well aware of Xaitlyn's history. But why not tell the reader what the history is? The real thing about RP's is that they should be interesting. You obviously have a back story there, so go ahead and tell it. At the end of the day, there wasn't enough of anything in here. When you boil it down and take away what matters and what doesn't, you have an RP that consists of Xaitlyn sleep talking and then getting told that she has a WZCW match and where it is. No drama, no character progression; nothing. I would suggest working on delivering us some more action in your RP rather than just reciting what we know.

Lastly, I think you should run your work through a grammar checker. I know that English isn't your first language but a lot of the grammar is just plain wrong.

As far as positives go, I think you're on to something with your work if you keep at it. You have 3 characters in your debut RP that can help you flesh out an unique story. Having NPC's is very important as it will give you more to work with down the line. You also have a very unique character and I urge you not to lose that. You have a lot of passion for what you are doing also, and I enjoy seeing that. Keep working away, keep taking on feedback and you will do absolutely fine.

 

[Prince Vee]

Instead of criticising you all the time, I better give you some suggestions for the betterment. Anyhow there will be some criticisms of course, but that's what will make you better.

First of all, listen to people! But don't listen to them either! By that I mean, just listen when it is necessary and if there are good points just take them and work on them. Dave spent his time to give you a feedback because you're new to this thread. But the result of the feedback isn't reflected in your RP even to a shred.

You applied for the fed with Xaitlyn being a heel and when two persons told you it would be cool if Xaitlyn is a face, you immediately changed it. Likewise, for this round, you've planned to write 2 RPs and when Falk and other made a comment on it, you just dropped your balls off and decided not to write another. I'll tell you what, you let your RP hanging. It has no meaning at all. It covers nothing and tells nothing. Just a bad RP.

I'll tell what you should change in your RPs. First, write RP in a global way that everyone will understand. Many of our fed members are from UK and USA. They wouldn't know what Dehradun looks like and what it'll be like to riding on top of the bus. You could've shown an image of people riding on top of the bus to make them understand that clearly. You should've expressed your surroundings. Read Funkay's RP and Theron's old RPs. They both even make the rocks and stones to talk in their RPs.

Secondly, add some expressions in your language. I mean, your reply should mean something and should make the readers feel what they're trying to talk. Your RP sounds like a boring old Hindi TV series. It'll be tough for you considering the fact that English isn't your language. I know Hindi too but I can't speak Hindi as good as a north Indian the reason is that its their language. You know the difference. In that way, know the difference between the formal, informal and casual conversations. Read other's work. Tatsycles is a great talker, so is Dave and Funkay. If you want comedy stuff read Yaz's and KJ's. Everyone has their own themes. I hardly seen Falk use someone other than Eve in her RPs but it still delivers. NSL keeps the darkness throughout his RP. Just like that, realise what your character is.

You created your character and still hasn't figured what she is. She was thrown into river but survived and raised herself on her own, but she cries a lot for the loss of her mentor? Ask yourself plenty of questions. Keep her strong.

Use your NPCs to the good extent. Calling Brendon stokes a dumbo isn't funny. I don't understand what she tried with him. Was she being sarcastic or cocky or intimidating or careless to his questions?

You need a lot of explanations in your RP. My best advice to you is, write the second RP as planned and finish this story. Don't leave it hanging. I am a little harsh on this feedback but don't take this as dashing and try to understand what we try to say. Read Dave's feedback quite a few more times before writing the next RP.

P.S. Make a RP what the reader wants.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Austin Reynolds (Numbers)​

I've been a fan of your work since your days as Elite X champion and RPs like this are the reason why.

You used 3 NPCs and nailed them all where a lot have trouble using just one that they didn't create.

You hit all the areas I enjoy seeing in an RP.

I would have loved knowing more about why Reynolds joined Vis Imperium after being a fan favorite but I look at it like I do a good series of books leave the reader wanting more so they come back. A very minor complaint.

Every see you show why you're one of the best and this is no exception. Your match could go either way.

 

[Find'er Woo'er Ryder]

Numbers

I like the take on it. It was a different RP than everyone else does as it didn't even have their character speak in it. I like this side of Austin Reynolds but for some reason, this RP didn't really hit it for me. I think the idea was golden but the execution could have been developed a bit more.

The article was fantastic. I enjoyed the entire read and it felt like something out of a magazine or on a website.

VB, BS, LK. I don't like their initials only here as I had no idea who VB was for a second. After a few seconds of reading, I quickly found out but I have been in the fed for quite some time but someone who could be lurking or not, then this could have been quite confusing. I don't think it would have been as confusing though, with more description at the beginning of their conversation to point out who is in there talking.

I like the opposing sides for the GM's and the back and forth bickering. Pretty much arguing why Austin is the bigger star or why he isn't. I pictured how this was going on perfectly in my head which made the RP but the way it ended made me want more. I want to hear from Austin on why he joined the stable.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Xaitlyn Serpiente (F.C.)​

Quality not quantity applies here. Everything in those 3 RPs could have been said in 1 RP. There was no need for them to be posted separately and in breaking it up it hurt you way more than it help. Had it all been in a single post it would have flowed easier.

In the first RP you came off like a heel and in the 2nd you came off like a face. You need to pick an alignment and stick with it. Fuck what everyone else thinks you should do, this is your character. You know what you want to do with Xaitlyn and whether being a Face or Heel will get you there.

I told you the email was my favorite part and it was but in my RP I used the email premise as well and came up with an email address for Tony. You came up with your own. Continuity helps a little bit I think.


It's not the worst RP I've ever read (that honor belongs to Doug Crashin) but it's very far from the best.

I suggest reading Ty's RPs during his year+ undefeated streak while he was champion. No one can tell a story like he can. Echelon and Lee are 2 other ones you should read.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Xaitlyn Serpiente (F.C.)​

Quality not quantity applies here. Everything in those 3 RPs could have been said in 1 RP. There was no need for them to be posted separately and in breaking it up it hurt you way more than it help. Had it all been in a single post it would have flowed easier.

In the first RP you came off like a heel and in the 2nd you came off like a face. You need to pick an alignment and stick with it. Fuck what everyone else thinks you should do, this is your character. You know what you want to do with Xaitlyn and whether being a Face or Heel will get you there.

I told you the email was my favorite part and it was but in my RP I used the email premise as well and came up with an email address for Tony. You came up with your own. Continuity helps a little bit I think.


It's not the worst RP I've ever read (that honor belongs to Doug Crashin) but it's very far from the best.

I suggest reading Ty's RPs during his year+ undefeated streak while he was champion. No one can tell a story like he can. Echelon and Lee are 2 other ones you should read.

I can't believe I didn't mention this seeing how it's my biggest issue.

Your 2nd RP. A big chunk of it is MY work! I'm all for looking through an opponent's App for stuff to use in your RP, I've done it myself as have others I'm sure but all you did was Copy & Paste chunks into your RP. For all intents and purposes I wrote half that 2nd RP of yours and to make it worse you didn't even try to give me credit. What most people do when they use work that isn't there's is the put it in Quote tags and give credit that way.

That way people know it's not your work!

I used a clip from Ascension in my RP and that's what I did.

Sorry if I came off like a dick, that's in no way my intention.

/rant

 

[a0161613]

Theron:
There’s no doubt that you’ve opened up a potentially interesting avenue with Tiffany openly acknowledging Theron’s possible mental deficiency. The options that this gives you are numerous. While I know you don’t want to turn heel, you could literally change any or all facets of Theron’s current character. You could move away from D&D entirely and enter an alternative realm of “fantasy” which opens up a new world, even if it’s just for a cycle. But it’s currently very on-the-nose, Shawn comes off as more than a bit dumb. When that conversation does happen, he needs to react very realistically, that emotion needs to come out.

I do think that you need to be careful with it. It may not be the solution that you’re expecting but it should make things enjoyable and get you some wins. I think the biggest issue I see is with how weirdly you word some of the sentences. Case in point:

Theron: Exactly! When I defeated her at Treasure Hunt it catapulted me to greatness. It will happen again at Elevation 108. I have to be ready for ANY possible opponent at Uncalled For when I issue my 20-Sided Challenge. If I can defeat Ella Teague who just beat Michelangelo Tempest, the current World Gladiatorial Heavyweight Champion, then I can enter Uncalled For with full confidence knowing I can win against any gladiator.

Two sentences beginning with For plus a strange construction and arrangement of sentences. I can see past the Theronisms but I can’t help but feel that you have been regurgitating this paragraph from pretty much every promo. The names feel very interchangeable. That should be addressed as a priority.

Mancini:
Funnily enough I think part of my comment for Dagger can apply to this RP. It’s just a bit too on-the-nose with the gangster, known-criminal entity gimmick.

There’s absolutely no subtlety with it. You had a lot of potential routes to explore with this but didn’t come close to touching it. Why and how is Tony on that show? What comes out of it for both parties? What happened before, what happened after? What was the point of your NPC’s? Why was Tony so prickly? I feel that you could have explored some of their off-camera interaction which could have made Tony so pissed off. Him being a gangster doesn’t explain being in a foul mood immediately . Tony got his rocks attacking a rival and got to be on top for pretty much the first time. He should have been over the moon and overly nice.

There was nothing obviously wrong with the RP (I know I mentioned the Mansion thing the other day – which I cannot overstate how shocking that error was) but I think you’re missing out on an opportunity with the character.

Xaitlyn:
This didn’t need to be three posts. There was no structure and you posted an app word-for word. That’s no good. The first one was the best and while I don’t see the point in the other two, you could have pulled off the third part being the second half of that because that had an attempt at something interesting.

You really need to try something unique with the character as well as show that you are taking in the advice or others as well as read other RPs. You could literally ready hundreds of RPs from years gone by – this is no exaggeration. Just try it.

Never repeat the mistake of that second post. Please. If you do then there will be no hope for you.

Manson:
Centre & bold formatting is a turn off for me. Bad start sorry 

I’d also say that when you’re doing speech, do this

Luke: I'm speechless. When?

Colon and space. Rather than this:

Luke-I'm speechless. When?

The flashback was functional and tells me really all I need to know. I personally would have saved it for the PPV and gone a bit more in-depth. A bit more exposure to this flashback will be key for your PPV story. There’s a really obvious direction for the Manson character and this feud – if you two don’t exploit it I will be disappointed.

It’s an OK RP. I’m not sure that it’s enough to get the win this time around but I’m now at least a little invested in the feud.

Vee ADZ:
I like how you write. This is the first RP of yours that I’ve read and I know next to nothing about the character. Not sure it’s fair to say too much more than that.

I should say that you and Dagger share a foible of mine; the need to put voiceover in brackets. It seems unnecessary because if you are able to write the description better it will be clear that it’s a voiceover rather than speech.

Your wording is a little weird but it’s clearly good enough to get the job done because of the push that you are getting.

 

[Showtime]

Reynolds:

I didn't like it to be honest. I read your previous RP, which I liked, and it helped with this one. It made more sense now. The .Com piece start was interesting, different from what you might normally see. I agree with Bateman, it was a fine piece. What I liked most about it was it sounded like Leon's work. It build both guys up well. I don't get Becky's over insistence of Reynolds, Kensworth's resistance to it. The argument and reasoning behind it all didn't make sense for me. It forced out what you are trying to get across with this RP, that Reynolds is under Holmes thumb. It didn't come off naturally. And is Becky in Vis Imperium's back pocket? Maybe I missed something from the shows. Reynolds should've been more of a focal point. This RP built Cooper up more than it tore him down. Vince hated Austin, Commissioner Regal hated CM Punk. You see where I'm going. We needed to see Reynolds, even just something at the end, Reynolds preparing for a match, doing something. What was said was well written. It had a flow to it that worked. It just didn't draw me in.

 

[a0161613]

Ryder & McAllister:
I liked this a lot. I thought that the chemistry was going to be important and it was better than expected. I found out everything that I needed to know about the Ryder character which was nice and it played up the amnesia aspect. Your use of each others’ character was good although maybe a little exaggerated but it was entertaining and understandable.

I will say this; the third RP was more than a bit unnecessary in my opinion. It almost comes off like a response to Dave’s which I know wouldn’t have been your intent. The second half could have been cut entirely, that felt tacked on, like you had something to say but no means of getting it out any other way. The same could apply to the second half of KWeb’s RP too but in both cases the exchange of banter before it was fun. I like that this was just Logan and no needless NPC’s.

I do wonder if the whole RP could have been absorbed into one post and cut down a little bit. Not that there was anything fundamentally wrong with either interview section besides feeling superfluous in both cases. There was a fun, progressive story being told and the interviews made it a bit more bog-standard.

 

[a0161613]

Xander Lebelle:
It’s a good thing to be able to give a basic outline of a characters’ gimmick, intent and direction in a few lines and you did it in two paragraphs. This is an indication straight away of the quality that you can bring.

I can’t say that the decision to go with a simple talk to camera piece was wrong. It makes sense in many ways. The dialogue was smooth and executed perfectly in many ways so you smashed it. This should be enough to get you the win and hopefully you get a big match at the PPV to show off your creative side.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Austin Reynolds

The article at the start was well done. I liked how it showed some of who Austin was, to those who might not have read your older material, and it also addressed the match. The use of the WZCW NPC's was also good. However, the NPC's are also tied to a formatting and presentation problem. For example....

BS: “You know Leon I think that the better piece is going to be about Reynolds. There’s more room for mystery there you know. He’s the perfect onion.”

The first thing that comes to mind when I see "BS" isn't "Becky Serra". Same goes for "VB", I didn't have anything immediate that came to mind like I did for your abbreviation of Becky, however it did not make me think of "Vance" when I saw "VB". It would have been better to write out their full names when they were going to speak. Leon instead of LK can also be added to this. I'd also boldface their names and remove the quotation marks from dialogue lines, they do not have to be present for every spoken line. Maybe even italicizing important names of individuals or important events. Here is how I would have formatted the above example:

Becky: You know Leon I think that the better piece is going to be about Reynolds. There’s more room for mystery there you know. He’s the perfect onion.

I also would have wanted to see Austin speaking in this in some capacity, there's a lot going on with the new stable and he has some momentum so I agree with FWR, Showtime, and Milenko that this would have been an even stronger RP if we had heard more from Austin himself. Other than the lack of Austin and the formatting of the names I liked it.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Tony Mancini

I'm immediately side-tracked when I see the email due to the father's email address. I'm distracted by thoughts of "Does AOL even exist anymore?". I know that it does exist, it's just that little things like how rare AOL accounts are now shouldn't distract a reader. A different domain like Yahoo or even MSN might have been better. Especially someone like Tony's father, one might think he would be using a more widely used email domain. The email also has too much black text. Look at my RP how I did the text message conversation with Tiffany and Ian's speaking colors. Here is how I would have done the email:

From: AngeloMancini@AOL.com
To: WZCWTonyMancini@Gmail.com
Subject: Our last conversation

First thing I want you to know is I meant what I said when we talked on the phone last. I hate the fact you've done nothing but lose. It makes me look like a fool when it happens week in and week out and I don't do anything about it. There's more I want to tell you but it can wait until after dinner Sunday, which I expect you to be at.

From: WZCWTonyMancini@Gmail.com
To: AngeloMancini@AOL.com
Subject: RE: Our last conversation

I'm well aware how you feel dad, it's not like you ever tried to hide it. However I've had some time to think and I've a slight change of heart in the matter we discussed on the phone. It probably won't make you any happier but we can discuss it on Sunday. Give Mom my love.

Then we have some typos. On the line of "I would have more than a single win on my (beep)damn record!", the whole word should have been bleeped out and censored. "on my (bleep) record!" would have been better.

The "Mansion" typo has already been brought up by others. This would not be as big of a deal if you had not RP'ed so early. PM it to yourself and proofread within 24 hours of the deadline. I catch strange typos all the time when doing this, because when you're initially writing you're focused on the story not the spelling. I caught a typo that had somehow slipped by, all the way until a couple of hours before the deadline. It was a weird one too. Don't let typos by, PM the draft to yourself and proofread it when you're not in the story-telling mindset.

On the positives, I liked that you did a talk show instead of the painfully overdone Leon interviews that others constantly do, this was different. The good kind of different. Was that a Conan O'Brien tribute? You dealt with your storyline and addressed your match as well as why you think Tony will win. Had you fixed those typos then this would have been one of your strongest yet. Keep it up.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Xaitlyn

Ok, first things first.... Three average RP's are not going to defeat one good RP. I would have voted for Tony this round had I been on creative. Always try to get in one solid RP that contains everything you want Xaityln to do/say for the round.

Part 1 needs some work. You had one long conversation with almost nothing going on in terms of descriptions. Did Xaitlyn and Brendon sit still staring in the same direction the whole time? Find things for them to do in between speaking lines and insert those. It adds more to the conversation and it is more believable than having 14 spoken lines all in the same string with no one physically doing anything the whole time. You also did not mention Tony at all in Part 1, so it was a benefit that you added the other two posts.

Part 2 starts out with another long string of speaking. I would have put at least one or two descriptions of actions in between those lines of dialogue. Then your formatting changed to center-aligned text. Don't use centered text. It never looks good. Keep it all left-aligned if you started out that way. Then we have the issue Milenko mentioned, you took information from his character application page. It would have been better if you had Brendon speaking with her either on the phone or in person, feeding her information on her opponent. In different wording than what was on the Tony page. I would not have used the image either. Lastly on this part, Ennette used the color Plum. This is a font color that is difficult to see. If you want to have her speak in a pink color, try Magenta. Look below and see how much easier it is to read the Magenta font.

Ennette: So who's your opponent this round?

Ennette: So who's your opponent this round?


Part 3 contained an email and I already addressed this in my feedback to Milenko. It should have used the character's speaking color instead of all black. I would have had Xaitlyn speaking this instead of doing an email to an opponent. If you wanted to do an email in the RP try formatting it like this instead:

From: thedeviless@wzcw.com
To: tonymancini@wzcw.com

A quote about streaks:

"Losing streaks are funny. If you lose at the beginning you got off to a bad start. If you lose in the middle of the season, you're in a slump. If you lose at the end, you're choking."
~ Gene Mauch

Every streak is bound to end. Yours too will end someday. But just not against me.

Want a reason? Because I love beating the hell out of gangsters and fortunately, you are one of them and therefore my next victim.

Stop bullying and threatening innocents or the wrath of The Deviless shall dismantle you for good.

Good Luck for the match.

This would have been significantly better had you done it all in one post, added some more descriptions between the strings of speaking lines, fixed some color formatting, and been a little more creative when addressing Tony.

Try out some of the ideas from this feedback and from the feedback of others next round, and don't hesitate to ask people for more help in the future. I did it all the time, and still am always open to feedback from anyone.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Luke Manson

Before I even go anywhere else with this.... center aligned text.... Not the best idea. I agree with Numbers about how you could have formatted the text. Try to stick to left-aligned text. You run the risk of people who aren't on Creative skipping the RP if the formatting turns them away. Another formatting note.... the descriptions are bolded, they shouldn't be. I would have had standard black font for the descriptions, then different font colors for spoken dialogue only with the name bolded. Lastly on this, you did the name of the character with a minus sign and then the first spoken word all next to each other. That looks a little sloppy. Try it with the name of the character followed by a colon sign, then a space, then begin the spoken dialogue. Here is how I would format an example from your RP:

They both chuckle at the joke.

Ashley: I wanted to come by and see how you were feeling.

Luke: Come in. Sit down. It's great to see a friendly face. Would you like a drink?

We have some typos. Doctors in the opening paragraph did not need to be capitalized. There are several instances of "Mr.. Mancini" when only one period is needed after "Mr". Ashley seemed a lot nicer this RP than she has in the past. I would have kept the tension going between them, it didn't seem realistic for her to suddenly act like a friend when in previous rounds she seemed to detest Luke. I would move a little slower in terms of them becoming friends again, have that be a possible PPV RP culmination.

Overall, you did a good job of furthering your story with Tony. That was the best part of this RP. It would have been better with some updates to the formatting, catching a couple of typos that slipped by, and I also would have liked to see a little more on why Luke needs to win against Vee. He got mentioned, but you could have expanded a little more on that. Keep it up and give it your best at Unscripted.

 

[Dagger Dias]

Vee ADZ

On the part where Vee speaks after the two voices have spoken you had two lines of dialogue that are not separated by descriptions/actions and you started a new line of dialogue without stating that Vee spoke it. If there are no major actions or changes that take place in between the lines you shouldn't separate them and you should still show who is speaking. I would have formatted that scene like this:



Vee: (voice-over) Was truly uncharacteristic of me… Or did he manipulate me to his desires? Was this all a mind game played by Titus, the Great, to make me believe that I could beat him quite comfortably without shedding a sweat. I was expecting a war before I stepped in the ring tonight. I was ready and been expecting to shed blood, sweat and tears to get pass of both the men. But I didn’t even break a sweat! Mind games or not, it doesn’t matter really. Because I still remember how he took that title away from Johnny Scumm at Kingdom Come. I still remember the look on his eyes when he walked pass me after defending the title against Flex in that steel cage match. He isn’t the person who I should take for granted. I can better him in the ring at Unscripted of course, I have absolutely no doubt in that. But not in that fashion I did now.

He walks a few steps further. He looks back again with a slight grin adoring his face. He pulls his glove off his hand and rubs his fist against his face.

Vee: (voice-over) He had walked out of his partners quite a few times but isn’t that aberrant that his partner walked out on him? He didn’t come out there tonight to fight me. He was there to manipulate my thoughts to the wrong belief. No, No, No… You still are the Hall of Famer, Greatest Champion of all time, and you still are the EurAsian Champion and I am not going to forget that. I’m not going to let you take over my thoughts because I am not scared of you. None of your tricks and mind games can manipulate me, if that was your plan. What that will make me proud is, to be my greatest privilege to win my first championship title in WZCW by beating a man of your stature. I have heard of your legends, now I’ve started to reel them through me. My legacy will start at the desertion of your Legend.



This makes the lines of speaking longer, although it looked a little weird the way you did it. To me anyway. You could also have inserted actions/descriptions in between the speaking parts, which would also have worked for that scene.

I really liked the Prince match being brought up. Him being an old opponent is something that most have likely forgotten by now and it's cool when people look back on old matches that are mentioned less often such as that. Then right before the officer shows up you have another instance of two portions of dialogue with no indicator of Vee speaking and no description/action separating them.

The whole scene with the officer was well done. I liked how you used that officer's past to bring up the match and your opponent.

Another all black text email/message.... There's a lot of that going on this round. That should have been done in all the same font color that the character speaks in. Maybe also italicize important names too. Like this:

Message from Sara 2:47 am

I contacted your parents, guess what? They already have an open ticket booked for Illinois, Chicago and a ticket for Unscripted as well. In fact, they have been attending all your PPVs KC VII, Apocalypse, Gold Rush without your knowledge. Don’t know why though.

I’ll be there too next week. Didn’t want to disturb your sleep. That’s why sending this message. Call me back in the morning. I love you <3

The last portion has about 4 paragraphs in a row of black text. I would have switched it up here and done at least one voice-over line in the middle of the descriptions. The rest of the concluding scene ties in everything going on in Vee's mind very well.

Overall it was solid. I would have voted for you this round.

 

[a0161613]

Titus

I thought I got to you and forgot.

I liked this plenty and considering you wrote it on short notice after the issues that you had, you had an idea and you ran with it. What I like is that you had all of these years of experience to call upon the many random NPCs that you've used as well as all the other little nods to Red Mask and past feuds as well as his speciality, the Pure Rules match. This wasn't spectacular but gave a somewhat interesting twist on the standard interview RP.

I'm struggling to call the match and I wouldnt be surprised to see a draw. I dont think a long drawn-out match would suit anyone in the circumstances, given it's heel vs heel.

From what I've seen I wouldn't be surprised to see Doe added to a title match further down the line, I guess a non title victory here for could only further that obvious direction. NSL's RP was decent enough to warrant it.

 

[a0161613]

Vee:
I wanted to like it, I really do. I totally get the story that you are trying to tell too. It&#8217;s actually quite clever and it flows really well.

But there are some terribly worded sentences and things like that can really detract from the story. Things like this:

Vee: When my parents will be here, you say?

This is back to front and inside out.

And this:
Vee: Ah I see. Let them take their time. I hope they don&#8217;t miss the flight due to administrative problems or something.

Who misses a flight due to admin problems?

You can tell that you have some talent (which no doubt Creative and / or Lee have spotted) and if you can fix these quirks in your writing that will help you a lot. But I think that may be one step too far or maybe too early I should say. In all fairness this is closer than I expected as I don&#8217;t feel Lee&#8217;s RP was quite what I was expecting.

I do think that the better story is to have Vee chasing the gold or at least chasing a win over Titus. Should Titus win you can guarantee that it won&#8217;t clean. There&#8217;ll be room for a rematch especially as you can tell Lee loves being champion so don&#8217;t be disheartened if you do lose.

Tony Mancini:
For such an important piece of story development, the first part was extremely short. It should have been dynamite, it should have had a tension that fizzed off the page, written with the knowledge that something ominous was about to happen. But instead, I felt the dialogue was heavy handed and clunky, in particular the writing of the detective was very poor.

The second part was just a bit pointless, maybe aimless is a better description. It seemed to be there, it wasn&#8217;t anything special and you expect there to be a significant emotional output.

It feels half finished if I&#8217;m being brutally honest (and I think it&#8217;s necessary), a middle act to flesh this out would have benefitted it hugely. If you make it a three act RP, you then get something that feels a lot more complete.

Xaitlyn:
You need to understand that two RPs do absolutely nothing in most cases. I&#8217;m going to try and avoid repeating myself now.

I think what&#8217;s concerning is the real lack of specifics. There&#8217;s no confidence from her at all, there&#8217;s no addressing of the random nature of the opponents. You could have had some real fun with this aspect and you let it slip by.

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Austin Reynolds

In a word: Amazing. I couldn't find anything wrong to mention.

I went in thinking I would only get about halfway through which is average for me when I read exceptionally long RPs but that wasn't the case here. I read every single word. It answered questions I still had and I'm very excited to see where Austin Reynolds goes from here.

I see you winning the Title at Unscripted and doing awesome things as champion.