Pre-Marital Sex

[LSN80]

With the fervrent discussion of homosexuality over the past week or so, I'd like to touch on another subject that is a hot-button subject of frequent disagreement not only within the religious community, but between the religious community and non believers as well.

Take First Corinthians 7:2, for example:

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

This verse is pretty clear with regards to pre-marital sex, as the author of this verse, Paul, is stating that any sex outside of marriage is wrong, hence the reference to obtaining a spouse in order to abstain from sinning. There's also an argument here that Paul is condeming homosexuality as sexual immorality, as he specifically discusses a woman finding a husband, and vice versa. But this isn't what this thread is about.

Personally, I grew up in a home where sex outside of marriage was heavily condemned. I was taught from an early age, both by my parents and the church, that sex outside of marriage was a sin. So I acted accordingly, and both of my serious relationships in my senior year of high school ended because I wouldn't have sex with my girilfriend, despite months of dating.

All of this changed before and during college. A year before I went away for college, I began seeing a girl whose principles were even stronger then mine. Her beliefs resided around the ideal that anything but soft kissing was wrong, including simply making out. Because I cared for her, I respected her ideals, even if it bothered me greatly. I was ale to later convince her to 'go further' then her ideals allowed, but it wasn't much more. The kicker for me came when she cheated on me, having sex with and leaving me for someone she went to college with.

As a result, i had a flurry of one night flings in the six months or so that followed. My thought process was simply that if my extremely conservative Christian girlfriend could do what she did, who wasn't capable. And when i did start dating again, I slept with each of them, essentially turning my back on my beliefs.

All of that changed when I met my wife. We had sex on our first date, but that was the first and only time we did in our year and a half of dating before getting marriage. She explained her beliefs that sex outside of marriage was wrong, and first I respected her, then I began to actually see things her way. In fact, when my daughter gets to the age where she starts to date, I will encourage her to wait until marriage. If she decides to do otherwise, Ill leave that to her decision, but I;ll re-inforce my thoughts on it. Primarily, that involves not wanting to see her used for sex, as I did so frequently when I was younger and not committed to my current beliefs.

I touched on the major points I wanted to use for discussion here, so I'll simply ask the questions that correlate with what I've discussed.

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

If you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, what would you say to those who feel differently, if they asked? If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

You don't need to answer all the questions, Im simply using them as starting points to bring about discussion. Feel free to discuss this issue as you feel comfortable.

 

[SalvIsWin]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

I think it's perfectly fine to have sex outside of marriage, outside of dating, outside of a relationship if you so choose and you recognize the risks. Personally, I wouldn't have any qualms about having casual sex with someone, although I probably wouldn't because I think a lot of people wind up hurting themselves by getting too attached or being rejected when they try to make the relationship more than it is. Not that it's likely to be an issue for me anyway, I've been dating my fiancee for a year and a half and I've only had sex with her and that's not likely to change.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?[/B][/B]

Probably nothing specific. I'll teach them to have sex when they're ready, and I don't think I am doing my (hypothetical) children any favours by forbidding them to have sex before marriage. For one, I don't think it's going to work anyway, so it's a fruitless effort, but for two, I think it's probably more unhealthy to try and force or guilt children into not doing something. Abstinence is an option, and I'd hope my kids know that they don't have to have sex before marriage, but really I think it's probably better if they do. I'd hate to get married and then find out I'm really not satisfied with my partners body.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

Depends why. If they didn't want to have sex because they just didn't think they were ready, I'd respect that and continue with the relationship, but if it was because of religion I'd probably be put off by that. Religious belief is one of my personal deal-breakers in a relationship because I'm a staunch atheist and that could create problems. I just can't understand the logic or reasoning behind the bible belief - it baffles me.

Even so though, when I say deal-breaker, I just mean it's something we have to resolve. My fiancee was somewhat religious when we first started dating, but the more we dated she came around to my point of view, and although she really couldn't care any less about religious debates, or who is right and who is wrong, she would identify as an atheist if asked.

If you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, what would you say to those who feel differently, if they asked? If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

I'd love to have that debate or discussion - religion and faith are two issues I feel very strongly opposed to and I relish any opportunity to talk about it. Like I said my fiancee was religious, but she's United, which is a sect of Christianity and it's pretty much the tamest religion I've ever heard of. United Church allows gay marriage, they believe in evolution, they are very much in favour of having your own interpreation of the Bible and not taking anything literally, so I never had a problem where she didn't want to have sex before marriage, but even if she did we'd talk about it just we did about everything else and resolve it.

 

[Dagger Dias]

While growing up, I had an intense dislike towards sex before marriage and went through a judgmental phase as a teen. I thought negatively of anyone who had sex outside of marriage and refused to date anyone who wasn't a virgin. I always thought I would wait until I was married.

The longer I waited, the more frustrating it got. In college I fooled around some, but would not let myself go all the way. By the time I was 21 I had done everything but sex itself. I had waited all this time, why give it up to just anyone when it should be saved for someone special? I decided at that point that I was ok with sex before marriage but only if it was with someone worth waiting for.

Then I met a beautiful blonde two years older than me, we were fooling around on our first date when we had gotten back to my apartment. I told her I wanted her so badly and she said "Well.... then take me!" So I did. That was the first of many sexual experiences with her. I did not wait until marriage, but I was ready. However I did wait for someone special and worth waiting for. I am now married to that same girl.

Yes, I am a Christian and that was a sin according to our beliefs. It is a difficult thing to deal with. Whether you are going through frustrations by waiting or judgments from others if you did not wait. I personally think that it is ok if you truly love the person and are showing that love physically. When it comes to my children I will tell them that I think they should wait for someone worth waiting for. I was not able to wait until marriage so I will not hold it against my kids for not waiting like my parents did to me.

If I was dating someone who did want to wait, I would be ok with it. Part of why my wife and I did not wait was because we both wanted it and were both ready. My stance comes from that experience. Sometimes you don't know where you truly stand on an issue until you are forced to make a real decision regarding it because that's when your true character shows.

A piece of advice to anyone still waiting by choice. Keep waiting. If you do not want to wait all the way until you are married, at least wait for someone worth waiting for. Otherwise you might miss out on one of the most special moments of your life.

 

[klunderbunker]

This has gotten me more glares from Becca than almost anything else.

I have zero intentions of sleeping with someone before marriage, period. To me, it completely misses the point of a marriage. The whole point of a marriage is for it to be something special. To me, dating someone isn't enough. There needs to be more of a commitment there in my eyes. As corny as it sounds, it's supposed to be something special. Otherwise, what's the point of being married at all if you've gotten all of the benefits of it already?

As for what I would tell to someone else, I'd have nothing to say at all. In short, what they do is none of my business whatsoever. If they never want to leave their bed that's their decision and I have no right at all to condemn someone for anything that they do. It's their decision and no one, not me, not their family, not a crazy politician, should have any kind of say in what they do.

 

[SalvIsWin]

Otherwise, what's the point of being married at all if you've gotten all of the benefits of it already?

Sex is the only thing that differentiates dating & marriage?

 

[klunderbunker]

Sex is the only thing that differentiates dating & marriage?

If you're living together, paying bills together, sharing burdens together, and doing all other things married couples do, is there really much of a difference?

 

[Harthan]

I touched on the major points I wanted to use for discussion here, so I'll simply ask the questions that correlate with what I've discussed.

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

I encourage everyone to do whatever it is that makes you happy. You only get one go at this thing, so make it want you want it to be. So, to that end, I have no problem with sex outside of marriage. I'd encourage people to be safe and smart about it, obviously, with all the requisite precautions. For me, personally, I intend to do whatever comes naturally if/when I ever have a relationship. Sex isn't a huge deal for me to rush into or whatever, but I'm hardly going to say no if the opportunity's there.

So, generally speaking, do whatever you feel like. Personally, I think my ideal is that it's something a little more meaningful than a first date kind of thing, but I don't know that that ideal would always hold up to the reality of the situation, and that's not really a problem for me.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

I would, personally, encourage my kids to make smart decisions. Make sure you're not having sex for the wrong reasons. I mean, in theory, I'm okay with one night stands between consenting adults, but I'm thinking my hypothetical kids at the high school level or so, I don't know that casual sex at that stage is a great idea, because that's still a point where a lot of personality things are forming, and I'd rather my kids placed some value on sex. It doesn't have to be marriage, but, I would like it if maybe they weren't thinking that sex was just something to do just because. If that makes any sense. It would be important to me also that they were also respectful about it. I would disapprove of a son who womanized, or a daughter who slept around. Even if we are talking a series of one night things, there's a degree of respect I would hope to see. So really, I would try to encourage them to make it mean something, but ultimately my bare minimum would just be to be respectful about the whole thing.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

This would be cool for me, although the story you shared about not even making out, that would be a lot for me. If I was with someone who just didn't want to have sex before marriage, that would really be fine. Sex is pretty easy to get a hold of. I could buy it, if I wanted it that badly. A relationship is about a lot more than that, to me, personally.

If you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, what would you say to those who feel differently, if they asked? If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

As far as someone thinking sex outside of marriage is wrong, if all you want to do is hold those principles to yourself, then whatever man, if it makes you happy. I guess people also have a right to judge people who have sex outside of marriage, as long as it's just a passive thing. I'd call you an asshole, but you're not hurting anybody. The people that want to take it further than that and start banning contraceptives or teach abstinence only sexual education are where I start to take exception. The former is Constitutionally unsound, thankfully, though a healthy share of nutjobs would like us to believe otherwise. The latter is more worrisome to me. Several states advocate this kind of education, and it's proven to be entirely ineffective with its primary objective, avoiding teen pregnancy. Meanwhile, states (and countries) that have broader sexual education programs and a more relaxed attitude about sex in general have been shown to have far lower rates of teenage pregnancy. Denmark, for example, has an extremely open culture sexually, and parents usually are very open with their children about this sort of thing. Not coincidentally, the rate of teen pregnancy there is staggeringly low. Meanwhile, Texas, which has an abstinence-only sexual education policy, has one of the highest rates of teen pregnancy. This is a bit off a tangent to the main point, but you get the idea. Attitudes about pre-marital sex need to stay firmly within the family, and schools need to have the right to teach what they need to teach to address the problems.

 

[Trill Co$by]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

I honestly believe that everybody grows into their own, and that like with anything that deals with emotions and body growth, the urge of wanting sex cannot be denied... nor should it really be as such. Sex is far misinterpreted as this thing that happens between a married man and woman. That's false. There's a difference between sex and making love. Making love is special but sex can be just a way to release stress, get a quick thrill, or even get over a break up... There's nothing wrong with sex, as long as it's within reason.

Case and point, teenagers under 16 should NOT be sexually after at all. It's a double standard, true... but those teenagers have a LOT more to get through in life before being forced into wondering if sex and love are connected. Also, nobody over 19 should date people in the 16-18 range because it just seems creepy to me.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

This is where being a father of a son becomes a double standard to being a father of a daughter. I don't have a daughter, and I couldn't fathom being put in such a situation... but as far as my son is concerned, when he's within the 16 - Up range and he feels comfortable with it then by all means I'll be willing to have "the talk" with him about it. I guess I would for a daughter too, but then again, there are somethings a father just shouldn't have to know about you know?

Again, double standard, I know...

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?


If I cared enough about them, then it wouldn't matter. But if I were dating them for the sex and didn't get the sex, then I would leave. There's no point in chasing something that's not interested.

If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

Simple. Sex and Making Love are two different entities that result in two different outcomes, unless you mix them with each other (which teenagers usually do).

One of them gives you a quick thrill while one of them adds to a healthy relationship.

 

[JWGunslinger]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?
My stance changed in a similar way to LSN, I grew up in an Episcopalian/Luthran family with both my Grandpa and Uncle being pastors so religious values and morals were heavy in that household. Throughout life I went with the only having sex with the one that you marry and it never really became a problem in my relationships because the 3 I had before my current one ended pretty quick. When I finally found the girl of my dreams I was put in a tough spot because she respected how I felt about it but we both really wanted to, and at this point my reason for not wanting to wasnt religious but simply based off the fact that for me I think that you should have sex with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with just because it seems natural and I wouldnt like the idea of being with someone who had slept around. So when we finally got to the breaking point was when I told her why I wanted to wait til getting married and then told her that I planned on marrying her anyway and as long as we were planning on it then I would be fine with it, that was about 7 months into our relationship. I think people should do what they want and I dont have any moral issues with people who do differently, it's just how I see it for myself and it works for me.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?
Well I have changed alot when it comes to my feelings about stuff like this since going out with my now fiance, the old me would have said they'd wait till marriage and I would be pissed with anything else. But now that I've grown up and lived through a different scenario I would encourage them to wait for marriage/the one they planned to marry but if that wasnt what they wanted to do then just be safe and smart.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?
I would accept it and be supportive 100 percent, my fiance did the same when I told her I wanted to wait and after the way she was supportive about how I felt I could never do anything different. If she had said the same I would have had no problem waiting for her, if waiting aint worth it then the relationship aint worth it.

If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?
I would tell them that's their belief and I respect it, but every man is entitled to live his life his own way and that's what I want to do. When it comes to a subject like this people generally feel very strongly one way or another so changing their opinion wouldnt even be worth attempting. If someone thinks it's wrong that's fine by me because I grew up being told that mentality was correct and it was wrong to do otherwise, but that's not my opinion and I'm going to do what I believe in.

 

[Dowdsy McDowds]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

This is a rather broad subject as it includes those with promiscuous tendencies, couples who do not believe in the idea of marriage yet have been together long-term and monogamous people in shorter-term relationships. Promiscuity doesn't seem to phase a lot of my friends; indeed, many of them have spoken unabashedly about seeking out a sex buddy with no strings attached. "I just need a release/I don't want a proper relationship/It's fun" are a few of the kind of arguments I've heard to justify it.
The underlying selfishness that seems to lurk with promiscuity/sex buddies has reared it's head with bad consequences for a few of my friends who had sex buddies or slept with members of a certain social group. Either a reputation is earned in a negative light or when the sex buddy wants to move forward into a sustainable relationship this catches the other unprepared.

For me, while I respect those who would go by their Christian beliefs and wait until they were married and together under the eyes of the Lord, a lot of people who perhaps aren't practising religion or are atheist but have been in long-term relationships, then I don't see a big issue with that.
My view-point comes from how I was raised (Catholic, still somewhat practising) and experience/interaction with my friends. I don't ever recall my parents telling me to wait until marriage, rather that I should wait for the right person.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

I don't think I'd tell them to wait until they were married but would rather reiterate the advice my parents gave me. If my kid were to have a thirst for religion and wanted to wait for his/her wedding night then I would support them the whole way.
Whether they waited until they were married or not, the one thing I would say to them would be not to rush into anything until they feel comfortable with themselves.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

I'd ask how long they wanted to be engaged for

It's hard to say having not been in that position, but I'd like to think I would be fine with it. I have no doubts that it wouldn't be a cakewalk by any stretch of the imagination but the waiting would be part of what would make the act have meaning, which for me is a very important thing.

 

[shattered dreams]

I have never understood why people think marriage is a sacrament. I think it is stupid not to test your compatibility, whether it be sex or living together, before entering into a legally binding agreement in these modern times. Marriage is about a long term commitment, not hormonal fulfillment. The only people that think sex is all that special are people that haven't had it or have been conditioned excessively through religion. This is just another antiquated belief that leads to more problems than it helps with.

 

[Poop Master Flex]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

My stance on it is very simple. Humans have needs and urges and people having sex for the pleasure is completely understandable and natural. Humans are only 1 of 3 mammals on earth that have sex for pleasure and there is nothing wrong with that, its in our human nature to do so. Let's be honest, after a person has sex they are going to want it again, people get very uptight if they don't have sex for long periods of time and sometimes having sex is just that release a person needs to loosen up. People are built to have sex for pleasure, its in our structure which brings me back to my point that we are one of the few species on this planet that have sex for pleasure. Some people have sex for the sake of having sex, but sometimes its just something that needs to be done, so why fight it.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

I would teach my kids (when the time is right so lets say 14-15) everything I just said how I felt. People have urges, those urges are perfectly natural and I can't expect my kid to not have sex until he/she is married because for most people it doesn't work that way. There are 2 important things though I would try my best to instill in them:

1) Don't have kids until you are ready and until you find the right person. Until those 2 scenarios are met be sure to protect yourself and use birth control.

2) Don't have sex until you are ready mentally and emotionally and don't let others push you into it, wait until you are ready.

I think both of those traits are very important. Everyone moves at a different rate but I also feel a person always knows when they are ready, I can't tell my future kids that so its one of those things they have to figure out themselves.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

I would ask them why they feel that way and act accordingly. I would also have to take into consideration other things such as is this a person I want to spend the rest of my life with. If that person felt they weren't ready emotionally because of something that happened as hard as it would be I would be as patient as I can. You can always ask to have sex but you should never force it. If you really like/love someone and you want to be with them there is no harm in waiting, if you need to orgasm use your hand or a fleshlight or something.

If you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, what would you say to those who feel differently, if they asked? If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

I would say that its natural for people to have sex for pleasure, this is simple biology and cannot be disputed. Frankly I'm not a big believer in marriage, if you want to be with someone forever then be with them forever, you shouldn't need a piece of paper to make it official. Some people believe that having sex for making kids is the way it should be (religion often plays a hand in this) and if that's what they believe I will never belittle them for their beliefs on something.

My big argument I would use is this: If you really love someone and want to experience the act of love making with them then there is no reason to wait. I would also say that if you are ready, your partner is ready and you love and care about each other then there is really no reason not to do it. If their argument was religious I would say I respect your beliefs on the situation and if you and your partner agree you should wait then wait, but marriage at the end of the day is a piece of paper. You shouldn't be tied to a person because of a piece of paper, you should be tied to a person because you love them, want to spend your life together and are happy, if those 3 things are met then you don't need a piece of paper to have sex, you are already there.

 

[Arkham Noir]

My views on sex in general are a little odd. If a meet some random chick at a club and there is a mutual desire for sex, than I'm game. I won't even think twice about it. However, if I meet a girl who I think is worth more than just a quick hook up, I won't jump the gun on sleeping with her. I'll wait until I truly know I care for her. It probably doesn't make much sense, but that's just the way I am.

As far as sex before marriage goes, I don't think marriage itself is as important as the general connection you have with the person. For me, getting married is just making it official that you want to be with this man/woman. That you want to share your life with them. Whether your having sex with them for the first time because you know you truly love this person or because you have an official document binding the two of you, it makes no difference to me. Waiting doesn't make you any better or worse a person.

 

[CH David]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

My stance is do it when you feel it's right. I didn't wait, in fact I was just fooling around one night and the lady wanted to so I said sure. Should I practice what I preach? Did I feel anything special like you always hear? Nope. Not once out of the times that night, nor two days later did I feel anything but intense sexual gratification. No fireworks, no moments of "Oh my! I'm having sex!!!" It was just sex. It's entirely possible that it was just because I didn't do it with someone who I felt was the one. That is the probable scenario.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

Be safe and do it with someone you care about. Don't let it be a floozy on a one-nighter or someone who legitimately pressures you into it. But to remember that it is sex. You can't put the pussy on the pedestal, nor the penis. Lust is in our blood, and whether you're married or not, it will find it's way to come out. Some dirty, amazing, love making will happen. But you're sinning regardless because you are succumbing to lust.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

It's not a big deal. As long as I'm not cut off completely from sexual gratification then that's fine. But I don't want to come off as completely selfish because I'm really not. I also enjoy the other side of the spectrum to enhance her feelings.

 

[HBK-aholic]

Firstly, when I read that quote my first thought was that it was about adultery. Not having sex before marriage. I guess there's an argument for it, but it's definitely not my first feeling.

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't believe sex before marriage is 'sinning' but I do believe you should be in a committed, loving and trusting relationship where you plan on being with that person for a long time; forever, even. Is a certificate really needed for 2 people to know that? On the other hand, I could never have sex with random men I don't know, just the thought makes me want to vomit.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

This is a difficult one, as I don't want to think of my children having sex, ever. Also, I'm not a hypocrite - how could I tell my children never to have sex before they're married when I myself have done so? I'd educate them the same way my mother did to me. Explain that sex should be between 2 people who love each other, and hope that they've been raised well enough to make informed, safe decisions, and to come to me with any questions or issues.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

*Glares at KB*

On a serious note, it's not an issue, and it really shouldn't be in any relationship. When you think about all the amazing things a relationship gives you, could you honestly throw it all away because of a sexual urge? I also like the idea of being with someone who's never been with anyone else. Being the jealous girl that I am..

I have zero intentions of sleeping with someone before marriage, period. To me, it completely misses the point of a marriage. The whole point of a marriage is for it to be something special. To me, dating someone isn't enough. There needs to be more of a commitment there in my eyes. As corny as it sounds, it's supposed to be something special. Otherwise, what's the point of being married at all if you've gotten all of the benefits of it already?

1. Marriage is special whether you have had sex beforehand or not.
2. There'd be more of a commitment if you'd just go to the damn jewellery store
3. Do you seriously believe if you had sex with your girlfriend you've 'gotten all the benefits of marriage' already?

 

[Remix]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

I don't really have one. If you want to have sex before marriage, good for you. If not, also good for you. This is also the attitude I have towards sexuality. However, I would only have sex if I was in a committed (i.e. just the one girl) long term relationship with someone I care about just because to me it's kind of a big deal. Marriage is important, but I don't think sex is the main reason for that. I don't need a piece of paper to know I love someone.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

Aside from the obvious stuff about safe sex, I'd give them enough information to make up their own minds about it. Would I be happy if my hypothetical teenage daughter was going out with and having sex with a scumbag? No, but it's her life, not mine.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

I'd accept it and respect their belief and stick to *********ion.

If you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, what would you say to those who feel differently, if they asked? If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

I wouldn't say much beyond "what I do in my bedroom is none of your buisness." Other than perhaps curses.

 

[Bernkastel]

Personally I think that the sanctity of marriage has been compromised in the recent years with the divorce rates currently at an all time high. I think part of the reason could be attributed to couples getting married too young, rushing into sex, getting pregnant accidently, or just not being right for each other.

I personally do not have a problem with pre- marital sex; however, I would only have sex with a girl if I were fully comfortable with her, our relattionship, and her opinions on me as a person and potential spouse. I believe that couples that do partake in sex outside marriage should be comfortable with one another.

 

[SalvIsWin]

Personally I think that the sanctity of marriage has been compromised in the recent years with the divorce rates currently at an all time high. I think part of the reason could be attributed to couples getting married too young, rushing into sex, getting pregnant accidently, or just not being right for each other.

Let's not forget also that divorce is now a more legitimate option. There was a time when being a divorced woman or man was a mark of shame, and while that may be true to a degree now, it's much less so. I think there were unhappy couples that would have stayed together because of their religion, or stigma that they feared, and that these couples nowadays would just divorce.

 

[BK Styles]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

My personal stance is that you don't have to be married. I'm not a Christian, or religious in any way, but I'm not Atheist. But, I personally don't believe in one night stands. Do I have anything against people who have a ONS? Absolutely not, because it's their choice, and many of my friends actually do this a lot. Personally, I believe that it shouldn't be rushed into, and it should be with someone you're in a serious relationship with that you see going somewhere in the longterm, after you've been together for a decent amount of time. Me and my ex were together for two years. We never had sex, primarily because we didn't feel ready, but also because we didn't see it as the most important thing in our relationship. We did a lot fo the stuff in-between, sure, but we never wen't the whole way, and I'm happy with that.

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

If I had a child, I would probably tell them my view on one night stands. But other than that, I'd tell them to be sensible but to make their own choices. I wouldn't forbid anything, I wouldn't tell them what to do, but I'd try and advise them towards the view of having sex in a stable relationship, and I'd make sure they would know that I am there for them no matter what.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

I nearly ended up going out with someone who was opposed to sex before marriage. She was a friend from the year above me in Uni, and I'd been waiting for ages to build up the courage to ask her out, and eventually I did. Thing is, she was moving to Australia in the next two months, so she turned me down (she did say that if she wasn't going anywhere, her answer wouldn't have been no, and that really hurt). I knew from previous conversations on her view of no sex before marriage, but I didn't care. I liked her for her, not because I wanted sex. For me, it isn't a problem, I'm more than willing to wait. However, if that person should feel ready before marriage, and I feel ready, I would see no problem in that either.

If you believe sex outside of marriage is wrong, what would you say to those who feel differently, if they asked? If you believe sex outside of marriage is fine, what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

As far as people who want to save sex for marriage go, I totally understand it. But sex is a natural thing that you should be able to do with someone you care about once you feel ready. I will never condemn someone for having a one night stand, though I probably will never have one myself, but every individual person has their own opinion, and no opinion on this subject is wrong. But for me, wait for someone who is special, who you are in an actual relationship with. Then, wait and see.

 

[Sparky]

What is your stance on sex outside of marriage? Where does it come from?

Seeing I'm not married and not a virgin I guess I would be an idiot to say I didn't condone it. To be honest, sex before marriage in this day and age would put more stress on the relationship. they say you don't know somebody until you have slept with them. How do you know for sure you are with the person you want to be. You can't have a serious relationship without having sex in todays world but you can't get married to the first person you have a serious relationship with (well a small handfull of people do.)

Whether you have children or not, suppose you do. What would you teach your child regarding pre-marital sex?

That it's their choice. and as long as it's protected there is nothing I can do to stop them.

If a man/woman you were dating didn't want to have sex before marriage, how would you handle it?

I would be fine with it as long as she hadn't slept with anybody else.

what would you say to those who disagree and challenge you on this?

Answering this makes the point of discussing the point invalid so I will leave this blank until somebody replies.

 

[LSN80]

The only people that think sex is all that special are people that haven't had it or have been conditioned excessively through religion. This is just another antiquated belief that leads to more problems than it helps with.

I wholeheartedly disagree with this. As someone who had sex with, well, an ample amount of women before getting married, I now consider sex to be incredibly special, something I once never did. For much of my life, sex was about sexual gratification, and nothing more. It was a way to get off, and little more. Even sex in the serious relationships I had been in were more about my gratification then a moment between me and her.

The marriage certificate I have didn't change this belief, my wife did. There's something to be said for the true idea of "making love" to someone, someone you truly love. In all honesty, I can't think of one time where sex with my wife has been anything less then special, and something I've valued immensely. There's something to be said to giving yourself to someone fully, knowing they're doing the same. It doesn't get much more special then that. Not because of marriage, not because of my religious beliefs(which I now hold dear), but because of the person I'm having sex with.

 

[Mighty NorCal]

I wholeheartedly disagree with this. As someone who had sex with, well, an ample amount of women before getting married, I now consider sex to be incredibly special, something I once never did.

And that is because of the person you do it with, not the amount of people before. This is the portion of the concept that people do not seem to grasp. If it is love, then it will be love, and be special, if you have fucked 0 before, or 100 before. It will feel the same, and be just as special.

You say pre-marital, as in, prior to Marriage. Well, marriage is a concept created by humans, therefore, has fuck all to do with God, and anything God concerns himself with.

If you are in a union with someone, and believe yourself to care for them and to persue growing with them to its fullest extent, then you are just as validated as anyone in expressing physical intimacy with one another. Sure, people break up, but most "marriages" end in divorce as well. All of that superfluous shit with finger foods and bickering over who gets to be bridesmaids and a shitty DJ doesnt mean a motherfucking thing. What matters is what is in your heart for the person you are expressing that passion with.

 

[Nate DaMac]

Eh. I think of it in the same way that I think of drugs and alcohol; if you're not smart enough to do it responsibly, don't do it. If you do it anyway, you're stupid and you deserve what's coming to you. I don't want to hear about your struggles as a parent or that you can't afford the child support. No one made you have sex, shut up. (Unless someone actually did force you to have sex, then yeah I feel for you.)

Could be considered a bit of a hypocrite since I did accidentally get a girl pregnant. But I have, to this point, handled it well. Hell, in retrospect, my little girl turned out to be the best thing to happen to me. She turned out to be the catalyst for me getting my shit together and growing up. Pre-marital sex changed me for the better.

Not that I'd recommend getting a chick pregnant for those reasons.

Also, there's no way I would have married my old lady if I hadn't slept with her or lived with her prior. I just can't imagine how that would work out.

 

[shattered dreams]

I wholeheartedly disagree with this. As someone who had sex with, well, an ample amount of women before getting married, I now consider sex to be incredibly special, something I once never did. For much of my life, sex was about sexual gratification, and nothing more. It was a way to get off, and little more. Even sex in the serious relationships I had been in were more about my gratification then a moment between me and her.

The marriage certificate I have didn't change this belief, my wife did. There's something to be said for the true idea of "making love" to someone, someone you truly love. In all honesty, I can't think of one time where sex with my wife has been anything less then special, and something I've valued immensely. There's something to be said to giving yourself to someone fully, knowing they're doing the same. It doesn't get much more special then that. Not because of marriage, not because of my religious beliefs(which I now hold dear), but because of the person I'm having sex with.

The problem is you are differentiating between having sex and making love without realizing the implications. Sex is the act and the love part is something else. You don't have to be married to make love. People get fixated on the sex part and overlook the importance of the love part. Depriving yourself of something doesn't really make it special. It is basically just a shortcut to maybe feeling that way for a little while. Also, sex is probably a bad topic to treat that way because there isn't much magical about the first time for most people, whether you wait or not, in spite of what hollywood keeps trying to sell.

The concepts are antiquated because they come from a time when people would get married much younger than they do now. A Grandma tells her granddaughter not to give the milk away for free but neglects to mention that Papi was suckling at her tits when she was 17 because that was when they got married. There probably is something to be said for waiting until that age or a little later for various practical reasons but 25+ is just stupid IMO. You can't deprive yourself of human nature that long without slipping up or getting warped impressions (like KB has) and then it leads to a variety of issues and disappointments such as you described in your own story. That and the search for loopholes that are stupid.

I am just in favor of a more pragmatic approach to these things. I think when you approach situations realistically the outcome is usually better. Average age of losing virginity is around 17 for both males and females in the US and average age when first married is over 28 for men and over 26 for women. Just like teaching abstinence in schools isn't realistic neither is no sex before marriage. Get with the times and start giving people useful information based on reality so they can make good decisions when it comes to sexual practices. Too many people have done what you did, which was pretend the obvious issue of the in between period doesn't count for some reason, deferring to tradition over common sense through some odd rationalization or another, instead of thinking up ways to deal with the real question/issue at hand.

 

[Chardee Macdennis]

I personally think that there is nothing wrong w/sex before marriage, though I was raised completely differently. My parents (mostly my mom), constantly harped on my brother and I to wait until we were married, or we would be sinning. Well, I bought that all the way up until I was 16 and this hot chick I was dating was ready. That's all it took, I was off and running from then on. Honestly, HONESTLY, I don't want to come off as a dick, or as if I'm trying to brag, or as a pig, but I can't even remember every girl I've slept with. I'm sure a lot of that has to do w/the various states of intoxication I was in throughout college. I will say this though, I'm not proud of that fact, in fact, I'd change that about myself if I could.

I don't have any problem at all with one night stands, but I don't think you should just bang anything with a heartbeat either. However, I don't think the fact that plenty of the times I've had sex were not special, takes anything at all away from the times that have been some of the most special times of my life. I've been truly in love twice in my life. Those two women will always hold a special place in my heart, as will our sexual encounters. There have been other girls that I've dated that I felt very strongly about, but looking back and comparing those with the 2 I know I was in love with, it wasn't quite the same. Still though, the girls that I've had strong feelings for and our sexcapades are much more dear to me than those that I hardly knew, hell, some I was barely even attracted to. Nowadays, I'm at the age where I'm looking for someone special to share my life with. I've been there and done that and at this point, I have no desire to share my bed with just anyone, but that being said, I think my past experiences have led me to this point in my life.

I don't have kids, but I do have a 6 yr old neice that lives with me in my house along with my brother half of the time as he resides in my home and has shared custody. I have a very special relationship with her and where I KNOW my brother will try everything in his power to get her to wait until marriage, I will likely try to tell her the same as that is HIS wish for her, and I don't want to undermind him. However, given she was actually MY child, or at any point in time when I do have a child of my own, I will certainly tell them that they should wait for someone truly special to them. I will absolutely educate them on safe sex and the importance of practising it, but I will not DEMAND (I will encourage though) they wait for marriage.

Anyone that believes you must wait until marriage has every right in the world to believe that, in fact, it's almost inspiring in this day and age. If I were to date a woman that wanted to wait, I'd certainly respect that and I think I would even admire it. As hypocritical as this is (and trust me, I KNOW it is), I don't want my future wife to have a storied past sex life. If she can count on one hand her past sexual partners, I will be elated. I know that seems ridiculous given my past, but it is what it is.