FromTheSouth
You don't want it with me.
I know that most of you find me vaguely interesting for whatever reason, so I figured that you would want to hear about the trip.
Some things you will not see.
I woke up at 3:45 AM to catch a ride with buddy Ross on Friday morning. We drove 2 hours to San Antonio to catch an 8 am flight. We each smoked half a pack of cigarettes on the way. I don't know why I shared that information, but the drive was uneventful, so I had to throw in some sort of anecdote.
We arrived at the airport and it was 25 degrees outside. Those of you from the north would assume that that is no big deal, but I am from South Texas, so that is Arctic to me. We parked in the garage and couldn't find a walkway to the terminal, so we wandered around in freezing conditions for a while. Not fun.
Check in was a breeze and we proceeded to security. I set off the metal detector after forgetting to remove my belt. Not fun. After being patted down rather roughly, we waited for the flight.
Ross and I struck up a conversation with an old man where he told us sex jokes and we laughed. Here are two of my favorites.
Yeah, that's right, we got to take the Shamu plane.
I am scared to death of flying. I am also claustrophobic. Furthermore, I am a big dude. This combination is quite exciting on Southwest Airlines. We were crammed in, every seat filled. I couldn't sleep, so I did see some amazing things, but I was scared out of my mind.
As a side not, the Grand Canyon is fucking amazing.
Finally, we landed, and Vegas begins. We got to the Hooter's hotel and casino, and let me tell you, I have never seen more beautiful women in my life. Everywhere you look tits, ass, legs, eyes, tats, anything you like on a woman, you can find. Now, as you'd imagine, the dealers, cocktail girls, and bartenders - Hooter's Girls. And, they are not just any Hooter's Girl, they are the calendar girls. Wow. I would have taken pictures, but I was trying to look cool. I regret that decision. As soon as we arrived, we had drinks in hand and sat down to play blackjack. The rest of our group arrived later.
When they did, we left to join them at Aria. Aria is a new casino/hotel in the City Center, a multibillion dollar modern architecture plaza made of glass, metal, and silicon. The boobs were amazing everywhere. Here I am, standing next to a chandelier made of crystal. Keep in mind that the crystal football for the BCS trophy is valued at $80,000. Also, keep in mind that this chandlier is 25 feet tall.
Finally, keep in mind, that there are 40+ of these in the hotel.
I had made $200 bucks playing blackjack at Hooters, and promptly lost it to a bitchy blackjack dealer named Eva. If you're reading this, Fuck You!
So, after we all lost enough money, we went back to Hooters. They sat down to play blackjack, and I went to the poker room. I turned $100 into a G quickly and left. I went to the $20 craps table and forgot that I was 15 strong drinks in and didn't know how to bet craps. I gave away a good $300 before it was time for dinner.
After showering and changing, we went to Mandalay Bay to the greatest sushi place ever. The food was amazing, the service impeccable, the scenery awe inspiring, and the saki was comped. Now, I remember telling you that the porn convention was in town. We didn't go, but it came to us. I am a fucking idiot for leaving my Blackberry in my pocket to seem unimpressed, because we met Brittany Skye and Penny Flame of Shane's World fame and saw Jenna Haze, dressed as skankily as you could imagine, surrounded by guys who looked as Shady as you would imagine, and just smelling like sex. It was awesome. The manager of the sushi place liked us, so the meal that we calculated cost around $400 only cost $150. We tipped the waiter $150 and bounced.
Our first stop for the evening was minus -5.
Now, we weren't allowed to take cameras or phones into the bar because it is in a room that is kept at five below zero. This is because the bar, the glasses, the walls, and art are all made of ice. You pay $20 per drink, but you get a parka and gloves to wear into the place. There is a girl with a special camera who takes pictures, so we do have some documentation, but the pics are in someone else's bag right now. The place was amazing. They can't sell you a crown and coke because the coke would freeze, so there is a special drink menu, consisting of mixing liquors until they turn girly colors. They were delicious.
After that, it was time to go to Sapphire. There were 300 girls working, all between a 9.5 and 10. Seriously, it was a HOLY SHIT moment. I have never seen more beautiful women in my life than in this bar. We were VIP with bottle service, a bartender who I can only describe as a fucking goddess, from Iowa (Save a room for me Will) who took excellent care of us. I would have bought ten lap dances from this girl. Instead, I bought ten lap dances from different girls. The last three were from a Dallas girl. She had the most perfect body I have seen. And, man, was she good at her job. She hung out at our table for two hours and only did five dances, three for me. She drank with us, hung out, and jacked me off. Yes, I said it.
You see, she did half a lap dance and then say on my lap facing me. She whispered in my ear that it was her favorite way to fuck. Coincidentally, it was mine as well, so she sat on my dick and we dry humped for the next ten minutes. That counted as one dance. I could smell her pussy at this point. I happened to mention that this girl was good at her job. She told me "Fuck my job, I am tired of these other guys." I said, "Bullshit." This is the point where she grabs my hand and puts it in her G-string. She was soaked. I figure that it was the extacy talking, but I was willing to play along. So, she sits back on my crotch and I gave her another $20 while she rocked away. She asked for a drink, so I made her one while she sat with us and hung out. Her being Texan also made it awesome because we talked about guns and land. Finally, she gave me another four song dance for $20, but reached into my pants and jacked me off to completion. I kissed her goodbye, and we left to go back to the hotel. I had to change pants and shower. I went back down to the casino, gambled a bit, and went to bed.
Day 2 - Coming tomorrow.
Some things you will not see.
- Pictures of the strip club.
- A meeting with CM, as I passed out drunk and lost my Blackberry for two hours
- A picture of me finding my Blackberry in the pants I passed out in the night before
- Sordid details about time with a hooker
I woke up at 3:45 AM to catch a ride with buddy Ross on Friday morning. We drove 2 hours to San Antonio to catch an 8 am flight. We each smoked half a pack of cigarettes on the way. I don't know why I shared that information, but the drive was uneventful, so I had to throw in some sort of anecdote.
We arrived at the airport and it was 25 degrees outside. Those of you from the north would assume that that is no big deal, but I am from South Texas, so that is Arctic to me. We parked in the garage and couldn't find a walkway to the terminal, so we wandered around in freezing conditions for a while. Not fun.
Check in was a breeze and we proceeded to security. I set off the metal detector after forgetting to remove my belt. Not fun. After being patted down rather roughly, we waited for the flight.
Ross and I struck up a conversation with an old man where he told us sex jokes and we laughed. Here are two of my favorites.
- An old woman, on her 5oth anniversary decides to surprise her husband with something spicy in the bedroom. After showering, she climbs into bed naked. Her husband, after the news, proceeds to join her. After he emerges from the bathroom wearing old man pajamas, he begins to approach the bed. His wife lifts the covers, revealing her body. Her husband asks, "What the fuck are you doing?" The wife responds, "Wearing my birthday suit for you." The old man looks at her and responds, "If you're going to wear any suit, you should iron it first."
- An old man goes to a brothel and is looking around. The madame approaches him and asks if she can help. He responds, "Well, ma'am, I'd like a little pussy." The madame laughs and says, "So would I, but mine is at least as big as yours."
Yeah, that's right, we got to take the Shamu plane.
I am scared to death of flying. I am also claustrophobic. Furthermore, I am a big dude. This combination is quite exciting on Southwest Airlines. We were crammed in, every seat filled. I couldn't sleep, so I did see some amazing things, but I was scared out of my mind.
As a side not, the Grand Canyon is fucking amazing.
Finally, we landed, and Vegas begins. We got to the Hooter's hotel and casino, and let me tell you, I have never seen more beautiful women in my life. Everywhere you look tits, ass, legs, eyes, tats, anything you like on a woman, you can find. Now, as you'd imagine, the dealers, cocktail girls, and bartenders - Hooter's Girls. And, they are not just any Hooter's Girl, they are the calendar girls. Wow. I would have taken pictures, but I was trying to look cool. I regret that decision. As soon as we arrived, we had drinks in hand and sat down to play blackjack. The rest of our group arrived later.
When they did, we left to join them at Aria. Aria is a new casino/hotel in the City Center, a multibillion dollar modern architecture plaza made of glass, metal, and silicon. The boobs were amazing everywhere. Here I am, standing next to a chandelier made of crystal. Keep in mind that the crystal football for the BCS trophy is valued at $80,000. Also, keep in mind that this chandlier is 25 feet tall.
Finally, keep in mind, that there are 40+ of these in the hotel.
I had made $200 bucks playing blackjack at Hooters, and promptly lost it to a bitchy blackjack dealer named Eva. If you're reading this, Fuck You!
So, after we all lost enough money, we went back to Hooters. They sat down to play blackjack, and I went to the poker room. I turned $100 into a G quickly and left. I went to the $20 craps table and forgot that I was 15 strong drinks in and didn't know how to bet craps. I gave away a good $300 before it was time for dinner.
After showering and changing, we went to Mandalay Bay to the greatest sushi place ever. The food was amazing, the service impeccable, the scenery awe inspiring, and the saki was comped. Now, I remember telling you that the porn convention was in town. We didn't go, but it came to us. I am a fucking idiot for leaving my Blackberry in my pocket to seem unimpressed, because we met Brittany Skye and Penny Flame of Shane's World fame and saw Jenna Haze, dressed as skankily as you could imagine, surrounded by guys who looked as Shady as you would imagine, and just smelling like sex. It was awesome. The manager of the sushi place liked us, so the meal that we calculated cost around $400 only cost $150. We tipped the waiter $150 and bounced.
Our first stop for the evening was minus -5.
Now, we weren't allowed to take cameras or phones into the bar because it is in a room that is kept at five below zero. This is because the bar, the glasses, the walls, and art are all made of ice. You pay $20 per drink, but you get a parka and gloves to wear into the place. There is a girl with a special camera who takes pictures, so we do have some documentation, but the pics are in someone else's bag right now. The place was amazing. They can't sell you a crown and coke because the coke would freeze, so there is a special drink menu, consisting of mixing liquors until they turn girly colors. They were delicious.
After that, it was time to go to Sapphire. There were 300 girls working, all between a 9.5 and 10. Seriously, it was a HOLY SHIT moment. I have never seen more beautiful women in my life than in this bar. We were VIP with bottle service, a bartender who I can only describe as a fucking goddess, from Iowa (Save a room for me Will) who took excellent care of us. I would have bought ten lap dances from this girl. Instead, I bought ten lap dances from different girls. The last three were from a Dallas girl. She had the most perfect body I have seen. And, man, was she good at her job. She hung out at our table for two hours and only did five dances, three for me. She drank with us, hung out, and jacked me off. Yes, I said it.
You see, she did half a lap dance and then say on my lap facing me. She whispered in my ear that it was her favorite way to fuck. Coincidentally, it was mine as well, so she sat on my dick and we dry humped for the next ten minutes. That counted as one dance. I could smell her pussy at this point. I happened to mention that this girl was good at her job. She told me "Fuck my job, I am tired of these other guys." I said, "Bullshit." This is the point where she grabs my hand and puts it in her G-string. She was soaked. I figure that it was the extacy talking, but I was willing to play along. So, she sits back on my crotch and I gave her another $20 while she rocked away. She asked for a drink, so I made her one while she sat with us and hung out. Her being Texan also made it awesome because we talked about guns and land. Finally, she gave me another four song dance for $20, but reached into my pants and jacked me off to completion. I kissed her goodbye, and we left to go back to the hotel. I had to change pants and shower. I went back down to the casino, gambled a bit, and went to bed.
Day 2 - Coming tomorrow.
