Kayfabe News

[Randy Orton's Head Blood]

Whenever a Kayfabe News piece makes me laugh, I'll post it in here so you guys can read it. We'll start of with this little chestnut;

WWE holds auditions for next wrestler to portray Undertaker character

World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced this morning that a new reality show on the company’s video streaming network will chronicle the audition process to find a new wrestler to portray The Undertaker.

Titled “America’s Next Top Deadman,” the program will feature contestants performing a set of The Undertaker’s signature moves, from the arena-illuminating arm raise to the slow-hat-removal the eyes-rolled-back-tongue-jut.

The man who portrayed The Undertaker for more than two decades, Marcus Alexander Calaway, will be a judge on the show, alongside Heidi Klum, Howie Mandel, and the Undertaker’s greatest opponent, Nathan Jones.

Portraying The Undertaker is considered one of the highest honors in sports entertainment, up there with headlining WrestleMania and being a Funkadactyl.

According to leaked documents, contestants vying to become the next Undertaker include:

Baron Corbin
Shinsuke Nakamura
Abyss
Fake Diesel
Isaac Yankem
Kane
Glenn Jacobs
Hornswoggle sitting on Hunico’s shoulders and wearing a long trenchcoat
“Now that I’m resting in peace in retirement,” said Calaway, “let’s find out who will urn the right to carry on the Undertaker role. Get it? Urn? I’m hilarious.”

 

[ヒュー　G.　レックション]

I seriously wouldn't have been opposed to Reigns doing it, with his own spin on it of course.

 

[Randy Orton's Head Blood]

Confused Trump thought he was going to meet D’Angelo Dinero

United States President Donald Jimmyjam Trump was visibly befuddled yesterday when, upon arriving at the Vatican, he realized he was not going to meet professional wrestler “Pope” D’Angelo Dinero.

Trump had spent weeks looking forward to chatting with the Impact Wrestling star, and was keen to discuss Dinero’s recent match against Trump’s former surrogate in the Battle of the Billionaires, Bobby Lashley.

“Oh,” said Trump upon meeting Pope Francis on Tuesday. “Um, hi. Did you see the size of my inauguration crowd?”

Several awkward minutes passed as Trump regaled the indifferent Pope with tales of the time he shaved Vince McMahon’s head.

Trump told reporters last week that he is a “yuge fan” of the Pope, but many were confused by his follow-up comment: “I especially liked him as Elijah Burke.”

Trump’s overseas travel has taken also taken him to Saudi Arabia and Israel, but the pilot of Air Force One is reportedly confused about Trump’s latest request to visit Parts Unknown.

 

[Fire Marshall Bill]

The most recent kayfabe news that made me laugh was people actually believing WWE's report that Strowman would be out 6-8 months.

 

[ShinChan]

The most recent kayfabe news that made me laugh was people actually believing WWE's report that Strowman would be out 6-8 months.

I believed it. I amn't smart like you.

 

[Fire Marshall Bill]

I believed it. I amn't smart like you.

So after a brief google search, amn't is actually used in a few countries. News to me.

Anyway, I would figure by now anyone would know to take a WWE story with a lunar-sized grain of salt. But don't feel too bad. You weren't the only one to go for it.

 

[Stone Cold Tea]

Amn't. Nice.

 

[ShinChan]

So after a brief google search, amn't is actually used in a few countries. News to me.

Anyway, I would figure by now anyone would know to take a WWE story with a lunar-sized grain of salt. But don't feel too bad. You weren't the only one to go for it.

Well, I myself find "amn't" awkward. So, I used to use "ain't". Then it was said that it isn't a sign of educated person. So I don't what to use with "I ___ smart like you". I ain't smart isn't as awkward as I amn't smart.

Can you tell what to use?

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Well, I myself find "amn't" awkward. So, I used to use "ain't". Then it was said that it isn't a sign of educated person. So I don't what to use with "I ___ smart like you". I ain't smart isn't as awkward as I amn't smart.

Can you tell what to use?

Whichever one you want and fuck what anyone thinks about it.

 

[Spidey Revivey]

Are people really hung up on "ain't"?

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Apparently. People gave him shit for it not to long ago.

 

[BaconBits]

Kayfabe News often has hilarious headlines, but the articles are rarely as funny.

 

[Барбоса]

Are people really hung up on "ain't"?

I am.

Contractions are for the weak.

 

[George Steele's Barber]

Apparently. People gave him shit for it not to long ago.

Fuckin' people.

Stop writing "ain't".

Can I know why?

It's annoying to read as well

Why do you make me do these things?

 

[Randy Orton's Head Blood]

Brock Lesnar “pleasantly surprised” to learn he is still Universal Champion

Professional wrestler Brock Lesnar was reportedly “giddy” to find out this week that he is still the reigning and defending (well, reigning) WWE Universal Champion.

“Haha, wow,” chuckled Lesnar after being told by one of his neighbours in rural Saskatchewan that he holds one of the most coveted prizes in World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE). “I had totally forgotten about that!”

Lesnar at first reacted with disbelief upon hearing the news, assuming that he had been stripped of the title for not defending it within 30 days, as per a traditional rule of sports-entertainment.

“I thought they just gave it to Vacant or something,” Lesnar said. “He deserves it.”

Lesnar, who has not appeared on WWE programming since winning the championship at WrestleMania in early April, was also surprised to learn that he will eventually defend his title against the winner of a fatal five-way match.

Upon hearing that Finn Balor is the odds-on favourite to become number-one contender, Lesnar replied: “Who?”

 

[Hyorinmaru]

Fuckin' people.







Why do you make me do these things?

Because I forget I say things 5 minutes after I say them

 

[George Steele's Barber]

Because I forget I say things 5 minutes after I say them

What meds do they have you on?

 

[Hyorinmaru]

What meds do they have you on?

Fluoxetine.

 

[Alex]

Wrestling fan struggling to get “over” with girls

Despite his encyclopedic knowledge of pro wrestling and his impressive wardrobe of t-shirts from WWEShop.com, 27-year-old Todd Murphy says he is inexplicably incapable of “getting over” with the fairer sex.

“When it comes to the ladies, I just can’t seem to get a push,” said Murphy, whose near-complete collection of LJN WWF action figures has somehow failed to impress a single female.

“It’s like I’m being buried or something.”

Murphy says he has adamantly tried to “work a babyface gimmick” when courting women online, but has gotten only “X-Pac heat” in return.

“My workrate is strong, so I don’t know why the ladies keep no-selling my move-set,” he confessed.

Murphy said he hopes to someday meet a nice “ring rat” because he’s “getting pretty tired of jobbing to the five-knuckle shuffle.”

 

[ShinChan]

I am.

Contractions are for the weak.

Another new word learnt!

Why Contractions are for the weak?

 

[ISkye]

Kayfabe News often has hilarious headlines, but the articles are rarely as funny.

Site called Hard Times had the same writing style, but wrote mainly around underground punk / metal stuff. People shared it a ton mainly because of the funny headlines and then realized the content was abysmal. Eventually it slowed, but they really did well off of that easy to please impressionable fan base. With the English oriented internet fan base pro-wrestling has it isn't hard to imagine why something like this could pass longer to a bigger audience.

 

[Fire Marshall Bill]

Well, I myself find "amn't" awkward. So, I used to use "ain't". Then it was said that it isn't a sign of educated person. So I don't what to use with "I ___ smart like you". I ain't smart isn't as awkward as I amn't smart.

Can you tell what to use?

Sorry just saw this.

"I am not..." is proper English. If you want to shorten it with a contraction, "I'm not..." works as well. Like I said, apparently amn't works in a few countries, but your use is literally the first time I'd ever seen it.