WELCOME TO HARDCORE INDUSTRIES : JOKES "R" UZ
RULES:
Yeah... Uh... The rules can go to hell. Just don't post anything hateful or offensive.
HARDCORE INDUSTRIES: JOKES "R" UZ
- Thread starter ABMorales787
- Start date
WELCOME TO HARDCORE INDUSTRIES : JOKES "R" UZ
RULES:
Yeah... Uh... The rules can go to hell. Just don't post anything hateful or offensive.
-Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon. Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there. The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there. The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens. The groom calls his mother back. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!" The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit -- now what?"
-An unfortunate car accident burns and disfigures the face of a young women, at the hospital the doctor suggests a skin transplant, her husband volunteers. Its apparent that only the skin in his... Ass...!? ...is compatible, but he agrees anyways. The operation is a miraculous success, she's more beautiful than ever. One day the young lady, feeling guilty about her husband says she's sorry, he says: I don't mind, I get all the gratification in the world when I see your mother kiss you in the cheek.
-An unfortunate car accident burns and disfigures the face of a young women, at the hospital the doctor suggests a skin transplant, her husband volunteers. Its apparent that only the skin in his... Ass...!? ...is compatible, but he agrees anyways. The operation is a miraculous success, she's more beautiful than ever. One day the young lady, feeling guilty about her husband says she's sorry, he says: I don't mind, I get all the gratification in the world when I see your mother kiss you in the cheek.
- Reporter: In an astounding story, one man was able to lose 246, count it 246 pounds in one single week ! ! !
Anchor: What ! That's impossible !! How did he do it!?
Reporter: He got divorced.
A puertorican is being interview for a job as a lumberjack:
Interviewer: "So, what qualities do you have that make you stand out in this field?"
Puertorican: "I chopped tree down in the Sahara for 3 and a half years."
Interviewer: "But, there aren't any tree's in the Sahara desert!?"
Puertorican: "I'm that damn good!"
3 new people arrived in hell today:
*Superman
*Saddam Hussein
*Bill Clinton
The Devil gives each a quarter so they can make one final phonecall to see if there is anyone who thinks they shouldn't go to hell.
First up is Superman:"Hello Louis, I'm in hell right now. Can you vouch for me?
Superman is saved. Next is Saddam:
"Hello, hello infidels, I need somebody to vouch for me to save me from hell"
"I'll do it. I need you to explain to me the whole 72 virgins thing again"
Saddam is saved. Next up is Clinton, but he give his quarter to Satan.
Devil: "Why are you giving me the quarter."
Clinton: "I don't need it"
Devil: "Then how will you call home?"
Clinton: "Local calls are free"
I know these are kinda old but I'll get new ones as soon as I can.
Anchor: What ! That's impossible !! How did he do it!?
Reporter: He got divorced.
A puertorican is being interview for a job as a lumberjack:
Interviewer: "So, what qualities do you have that make you stand out in this field?"
Puertorican: "I chopped tree down in the Sahara for 3 and a half years."
Interviewer: "But, there aren't any tree's in the Sahara desert!?"
Puertorican: "I'm that damn good!"
3 new people arrived in hell today:
*Superman
*Saddam Hussein
*Bill Clinton
The Devil gives each a quarter so they can make one final phonecall to see if there is anyone who thinks they shouldn't go to hell.
First up is Superman:"Hello Louis, I'm in hell right now. Can you vouch for me?
Superman is saved. Next is Saddam:
"Hello, hello infidels, I need somebody to vouch for me to save me from hell"
"I'll do it. I need you to explain to me the whole 72 virgins thing again"
Saddam is saved. Next up is Clinton, but he give his quarter to Satan.
Devil: "Why are you giving me the quarter."
Clinton: "I don't need it"
Devil: "Then how will you call home?"
Clinton: "Local calls are free"
I know these are kinda old but I'll get new ones as soon as I can.
THE FORUM COMMANDMENTS:
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy neighbor might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter via email.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy, especially from work.
Thou shalt not use The Firum for any illegal or unethical purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of The Forums:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Thou hope newcomers read thy post before posting
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy neighbor might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter via email.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy, especially from work.
Thou shalt not use The Firum for any illegal or unethical purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of The Forums:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.
Thou hope newcomers read thy post before posting
10 fruits.
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told our families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw the other guy coming down the hill with 10 pinneapples.
3 explorers were looking in the forest when they were captured by Indians. They were taken to their chief, and he said go out into the forest and come back with 10 of the same kind of fruits. The first guy comes back with 10 bannanas, and the chief says, shove them all up your butt without making a sound.
So the 1st guy gets 2 bannanas in when he starts screaming, so the indians kill him. The second guy comes back with 10 berries, and they shove 9 in and are about to shove the 10th in when he starts laughing, and so since he made a sound the indians killed him too.
Now the first two explorers souls fly out of their bodies and into heaven and they start talking. The first explorer says 'Hey dude why did you laugh you could've gone back and told our families what had happened'.
The 2nd explorer replies, 'Sorry I just couldn't stop when I saw the other guy coming down the hill with 10 pinneapples.
Ah, dude. I know they make you laugh, even if its because they are bad.
Thats not how you write her name? Ah, screw it. By the way, where do I vote for RVD? He's my fave.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."
It's...Baylariat!
Team Finnley Baylor
?Que?
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
It's illegal in a certain state to ride your bicycle in a swimming pool.
There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Believe It Or Not:
In Puerto Rico, the penalty for jumping off a building is death.
In Puerto Rico, the penalty for jumping off a building is death.
It is illegal for a father to call his son a "******" or "queer" in an effort to curb "girlie behavior."
According to Spongebob, its illegal to lick door knobs in other planets.
True Tech Support Stories:
. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
Bragging about Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
Only found in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
Mantaur Rodeo Clown
X-Pac Rules
I can't believe you laughed.
I'm a sucker for bad jokes.
WORD UP DEATH AGENT EDITION:
Today's is : "Fugly"
Definition: When a person's really fuckin' ugly and your too lazy to talk a complete sentence, this is your word
In A Sentence: Yo girl, you are really fugly. Go get plastic surgery.
Today's is : "Fugly"
Definition: When a person's really fuckin' ugly and your too lazy to talk a complete sentence, this is your word
In A Sentence: Yo girl, you are really fugly. Go get plastic surgery.
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