F*** Awards Season: Five Movies I'm Looking Forward To That Will NOT Get An Oscar

[Cena's Little Helper]

Oh, the time is nigh, fellow WZers. What time am I referring to? That time of the year when, after releasing all of their unequivocal shit heaps in the month of September, studios get ready for awards season. As always, some great movies will be released along with a lot of adequate ones whose greatness will be predicated on how much politicking is done...by the Weinstein Brothers. Remember, for every Apocalypse Now, The Crying Game, or Pulp Fiction there are four to nine Shakespeare in Loves, Chocolats, and Life is Beautifuls (I don't care what this last one is rated on imdb, it's still a piece of SHIT).

How about instead of pondering the inevitable injustices that will occur come March we talk about some films that have no chance of being spoken of at the Dolby Theater? Here are the five films I'm looking forward to that don't have a shot in hell at getting an Oscar nom:

The Green Inferno (Director: Eli Roth)

Eli Roth is a hack like his best friend Tarantino, but there aren't enough cannibal horror films for my liking. It is impossible to fuck up something that by necessity will be vile and repulsive. I haven't even seen a trailer for it yet, but The Green Inferno is certified shiztits already.

The Strange Colour of Your Body's Tears (Directors: Bruno Forzani and Helene Cattet)

I have no clue what this film is going to be about, but the directors made the awesome erotigore film Amer in 2009...I'm still trying to figure out whether it was the sex or gore in Amer that gave me a boner throughout it (please, God, let it be the sex).

The Sacrament (Director: Ti West)

Three guys go to a commune in a Guyana-like country to find one of their sisters. Obviously, the commune won't be as idyllic as it first seems. This is supposed to be filmed like gonzo found-footage. I'm definitely down, especially if it's inspired by some Jim Jones cult-like shit.

Snowpiercer (Director: Bong Joon-ho)

If this year has taught us anything, it's that South Koreans don't fare that well when taking on productions outside their country. Early reviews of this dystopian thriller have me optimistic that Bong Joon-ho is going to break that trend.

Under The Skin (Director: Jonathan Glazer)

I actually don't want to see this film. However, I am a fan of its source material. Originally written as a novel by Michael Faber, Under The Skin is about an alien she-creature who drives up and down the roads of Scotland to pick up hitchhikers who are then drugged and brought back to an outpost where her compatriots turn them into some sort of meat that's popular on their home planet. Now, the one important thing to note about Under The Skin is that the character's amazingly shaped fake tits are mentioned quit a bit. ScarJo has an awesome pair, and this movie will be worth the price of admission should the adaptation remain faithful.

 

[Alex]

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I loved the first Machete film. For all its hilarious over the top goofiness at times it had a message behind it (social class and how people react to certain ones) I'm really looking forward to the second one and seeing what happens. Plus Antonio Banderas is in it and he's badass and Lady Gaga, Michelle Rodriguez, Jessica Alba and Alexa Vega are in it and they're attractive as hell.

 

[Mitch Henessey]

I've been DYING to see a trailer for Open Windows after I read the plot synopsis a while ago, and I wasn't disappointed, when it premiered the other day. I finally got around to watching the Maniac remake last week, and it blew me away.

Wood is an amazing and horribly underrated actor, who doesn't get enough credit for showcasing his range, including the rare creepy dark side (Wood's character Sin City is another good example) we see every now and then. It's a shame, when it's all said and done for Wood's acting career, people will mostly remember him for being Frodo in the LOTR films.

Anyway, I'm hoping Open Windows won't devolve into another bland Big Brother thriller, but I have faith in Wood. Plus, the trailer is intense, and the laptop webacm POV could be a nice touch.

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Plot Synopsis:

Starring Elijah Wood (Maniac) and Sasha Grey, Jill, the most exciting actress of the moment, refuses to have dinner with Nick, a fan who won a date with her in an Internet contest organized by the distributor of her latest film. In return, a guy named Chord, posing as Jill’s campaign manager, help Nick to follow in the footsteps of the actress from his own computer. Nick starts a game in which he realizes that is only a puppet into the manic plans devised by Chord, to hunt down the star.