FromTheSouth
You don't want it with me.
I can't believe this was on Foxnews.com
Whether it's an ouch! or an oops, nearly every lover has been there. For both amateurs and seasoned veterans in the sack, few go unscathed when it comes to embarrassing sex moments.
Sex discourse is hard enough, so few can field the teasing, torment, and judgment that accompany the reputation of a sexual screw-up. Its just not sexy.
After all, bedroom blunders rarely make the big screen. Like in Hollywood, our lovemaking and sexual pursuits are supposed to be problem-free. Nothing goes wrong, ever, or so were made to believe ... until we find ourselves red-faced instead of romantically red-hot, fielding an unexpected real-life error that kills the erotic scene.
If its any consolation, you can recoup from most of these moments. Most partners worth sleeping with will forgive - and hopefully forget - instead of wallow in amorous accidents.
Still, how you recover is what can make your misfortune more love-inducing or lame. In recovering from common sex blunders, just remember the following ...
1. Sex Can Be Clumsy
Whether accidentally knocking heads, pulling hair or taking an elbow in the eye, its important to remember that our movements arent as well orchestrated as that of a symphony. Bodies bumping up against one another can get out of control and out of sync.
This is especially true in tight quarters, like ones car, where lovers feel lucky just to move around. In freeing a limb or swinging a foot or trying to turn over, something is going to be in the way. Dont make a bigger deal out of the klutzy situation than is warranted. Just kiss the boo-boo, make it feel better, and get on with things.
2. A Full Bladder is No Fun
For most people, there is no worse time to hold your bladder than during sex. But people do (some people actually enjoy the sensations this provides). They would rather suffer their way through painful sex than call a time-out to hit the toilet. In worst-case scenarios, they wet the bed, which totally ruins the mood. Women pay an even greater price, because they can develop a urinary tract infection.
If youve got to go, youve got to go. No apologies. Any caring lover will understand the need for a two-minute bathroom break, knowing that sex sans the need to pee will make for more passion. Dont get hung up on wondering if you will ruin the mood. Just excuse yourself with the promise to return and resume. And if youve already wet the bed, pretend its a wet spot due to other bodily fluids. Few will dare call you out on this fib.
3. Naked Bodies Do Make Noises
By far one of the most heart-stopping noises in the sack is that of a fart. I put that in quotes because sounds of breaking wind dont actually always involve intestinal gas.
Sweaty bodies can catch air as they rub up against each other, making it sound like somebody just ripped one. Air getting caught up in the vaginal canal, more commonly known as a queef, also may resemble a farting noise. All of these sounds are common and often unavoidable.
Sure, these sounds arent sexy, especially when someone lets out an actual toot. To handle this gracefully, let yourselves giggle about it. Own the mortifying moment by letting out a laugh. After all, these body sounds are pretty funny.
4. Sexual Shakespeares Are Not Made Overnight
Like with so many sex acts, practice makes perfect. The same goes for erotic talk. In expanding your sexual vernacular, a little bit of rehearsal may be required. What this means is that both lovers will have to the bear the brunt of a bad delivery, poor choice of words, and the just plain cheesy factor.
If youre the one being wooed with words, dont criticize. Instead, mirror their intention or theme back to your lover, but with erotic expressions that work for you. This indirectly indicates what you find hot.
If youre the one struggling to utter this literal language of love, throw the ball in your partners court by stating that youre so turned on you cant think straight. Admit that being spoon-fed some libidinous lingo would be much appreciated! Then figure out other ways to effectively use your tongue.
5. Bad Breath Stinks
George Orwell wrote, You can have affection for a murderer, but you cannot have an affection for a man whose breath stinks. Well said, George. But that doesnt mean you cant do anything about the situation. Whether your breath reeks, or youre keeling over from that of your lovers, simply state that you want to be more kissable.
Explain that fresh breath will make both of you feel like getting fresher. Then ask your lover if he or she would like a piece of gum, a breath mint, or care to join you for some toothbrush time. Be playful about it.
6. Drunk Driving Isnt Always Sexy
People like to hook up when theyre inebriated. When barriers are down, they tend to feel super sexy, so they'll often take a chance in getting all over a love interest, even when their digestive system begs to differ.
Unless your lover is into emetophlia (a sexual attraction to vomit), its best to abstain from any kind of sexual rendezvous when youve had a few too many. And if your passion play actually ever involves projectile (or other fluids for that matter), just remember: Humans can learn from their mistakes. Apologize and send flowers as soon as youve sobered up.
7. EMTs Have Seen it All.
Solo or not, people dont always make the wisest decisions when it comes to experimenting with sex or sexual objects, especially when it comes to putting foreign objects in certain places. Injuries happen. Things get stuck. Dont be afraid to call for medical assistance when necessary. Emergency medical technicians really have seen it all.
What have you done in the bedroom that can be embarrassing?
I'll start, I've been gassy in bed. I ripped one during sex. I just kept on going. She stopped and laughed at me. Told me I was gross. Then I told her she loved it, and went back to firing my tasty yum rocket.
Who else wants to admit something?
