The Dungeon
Dr. Gregory House
Yesterday, I swear, That was Someone Else, Not Me!"-Queensryche.
"Your prescence still lingers here"-Evanescence.
"Wrapped Inside a Twisted World...I can't decide what is even real anymore"-Tara MacLean.
One year...
It's been one year.....where did it all go....how did it all happen....why did it all happen? Who was that man? What made it all happen?
Basically it just comes down to one question for me......why him?
Why did it have to be someone I looked up too....other people's heroes let them down all the time...but mine never did....hero is a term people use loosely, but I never did...I was always careful to choose my heroes.
In my opinion we need heroes, the world needs heroes. I think Bret Hart said it best, being the anti-hero, is what makes a hero these days in the eyes of society. And to think he said this in 1998, and ten years later, here are some girls...trying to dress a certain way...because Paris Hilton did the same thing.
Pro wrestling is one of the few places people should be looking for heroes. I know I wouldn't want my kid looking for a hero there.
Being someone who has wanted to be a wrestler for so many years, come 1997, it was hard to find that hero. There was Bret "The Hitman" Hart, a character who fought and stood for the right things. I thought, how dare the American wrestling fans turn against him, how dare they turn there backs on a man, who has always done the right thing, and they go off and look up to a lying jerk like Shawn Michaels, and a rotten human being like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. (for those confused, I'm talking in the context of storyline here).
Everyone outside of America however, saw that, and we had our hero, we had the man we needed to be our hero. It went from being storyline, to becoming real for us Canadian wrestling fans. Bret wasn't just another wrestler we liked...he was someone we looked up too. Sure, a lot of us knew he was acting, but it didn't matter, it was almost as if he gave us something to believe in.
By 2000...Bret was gone....who do I look up to now? The Rock? Steve Austin? By then I had become fans of both of those men, and they were two of my favorite wrestlers, but would I call them heroes?? Not really.
The hero I was looking for, had to hold major attributes in his wrestling character, plus his skill and his real life attitude towards the business..... had to be someone who had the hardest working ethic in the wrestling business. Someone who didn't need flashy ways to get people's attention...because that wasn't me either....someone who commanded respect both in character, and off screen, and he commands it, because he earned it...someone who had the burning heart to do what it took to make it to the top of the business...someone who believes in doing what he feels is right, even if the fans don't see it his way.....someone who no matter what his peers, or his naysayers around the world, may have said about him.
His name was...Chris Benoit.
And it's not shocking at all really. Benoit was a product of the Hart family, a graduate of the infamous "Dungeon" in Calgary.
After rising through the ranks of "Stampede Wrestling", and becoming a top wrestler in Japan, Benoit, was one of the most respected wrestlers in the world, and held all the attributes I named.
After more runs in Japan, and his first american exposure, in ECW. I got my first look at Benoit, in WCW. He was a master technician, and old school wrestler. He didn't dress in red & yellow or cut amazing promos. He walked to the ring, with a determined look in his yes, on a mission, and he let his hands do the talking. His matches were some of the best in the world.
He slowly but surely gained a following in the U.S., as well as Canada where he was from.
Years of being a victim of politics, go nowhere angles, mocked by his peers for being bland and numerous classic matches, he finally became a main eventer for WCW in 2000. But it was too late, Chris didn't like what they had done with him, and WWF came calling. His integrity meant more than holding a belt, and WCW had robbed him so many times, or at least tried too, of who he is, in the last 5 years.
He was constantly told:
"You can't do it"
"You'll never reach the top".
"You're too small".
"You have no gimmick, no charisma".
"You can't speak on the mic".
"You don't have the proper look".
"You'll never get over as a top guy".
And in some cases..a lot guys similar to Benoit..had proved there naysayers who said those above things to them as well...right.
In the WWF, they did in just a couple months, what WCW couldn't do in 5 years. Made him a main event player. In his 6th month with the company, he was headling a Pay Per View, with The Rock. No small feat. Benoit was playing the heel, but it didn't matter to me, as he was the guy just trying to realize his dream, and determined to do what he had to do, to get there. Benoit fell short, and lost. But the final buyrate for the show, did a very strong number. Benoit, had made it.
I met Chris for the first time in late 2000, at an autograph signing. He looked at me with a slight smile on his face, and said, "How you doing today buddy?". I said, "Great, I've really waited a long time for this. You're one of my heroes, and I lover what you stand for on and off screen. You have more integrity in the wrestling world than anyone". By the look on his face, I could see, that nobody that day, had said anything like that to him, he said back to me with a smile "I really appreciate that, it's good to know I have fans like you out there".
Benoit was now a babyface come 2001, and in a big feud with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and was getting over strong, suffered a crippling neck injury, putting him out of action for a year.
In 2002, he returned but this time as a heel, but it didn't last, as the heel vs. heel feud with Kurt Angle, started, where they fought in some of the best matches the wrestling world had seen, as well as forming a reluctant tag team, winning the tag titles. But the feud made Benoit a face again, leading to a WWE Championship match at The Royal Rumble, in 2003, in a true classic, Benoit lost, but the standing ovation he got afterward, made it clear, that Benoit had done something not many workers in the WWE ever do, and that's get over merely based on sheer talent and skill.
Now you know why, the man was my hero...because he fought his way to the top....but now to truly get there...
Fast forward to March.14.2004, my 21st birthday, I sat with my friends, watching as Chris Benoit fought world champion Triple H as well as Shawn Michaels, in a Triple Threat Match. It all finally come down to this, 19 years, of "You'll never make it", "You can't do it!", etc. Came to an end, when Chris Benoit, made Triple H, tap out to the Crippler Crossface, as the crowd, and myself, at Madison Square Garden in New York City, erupted in joy, with cheer as Chris Benoit, had done what he was never supposed to do....
I met Chris again, at an autograph signing in Toronto, I told him about our last meeting, and he remembered it! I cannot even begin to tell you how great that felt. And out of the blue he said to me, "Hey you got a camera?". I said, "My friend does, hang on". As my friend pulled out her camera, I stood beside Chris as she snapped the shot. It was a picture I was sure to cherish as a prized poesssion. What makes that so special? As we were in line, they said, "Mr. Benoit cannot pose for pictures with anyone, but he is willing to take snapshots, as he is pressed for time and has other engagements". But yet he took the time to actually stand up, and give me a real picture. All because of our last meeting.
Benoit held the title for 5 months, becoming a Canadian wrestling icon, only second to Bret Hart. Many people will try to refute that, but I sat there in the Air Canada Centre in 2005, when his music hit, the crowd roared, and people across the arena, were doing the "We're not worthy"..type of bow.
Benoit never did achieve that kind of superstardom again, but it didn't matter, as he triumphed in many of his feuds, but sometimes fell short, he would always recieve a standing ovation, at the end of each match, sometimes he stole the show, other times, he merely carried a sometimes terrible worker, to a watchable match. Either way, nobody worked harder then Chris Benoit, and the fans knew it.
By 2007, Benoit still had a spot as one of he most popular wrestlers on the roster. He worked with younger opponents, who came out looking good because of him. Most notably, a youngster named MVP, whom he feuded with over the U.S. Title. Benoit's last pay per view match, was a great one against MVP, as after beating him time and time again, Benoit finally lost the belt to the fresh young heel.
With Benoit bringing out the best in his opponents, Vince McMahon and the WWE brass, thought he could bring out the best in a SHOW!. Which is why, they moved him to the ECW brand, to lend the show credibillity.
On June 22nd, I sat and watched ECW in my apartment. I watched Benoit beat an up and comer by the name of Elijah Burke, to qualify for a match, in which the vacated ECW Title, was on the line. And it would take place at the "Night of Champions" pay per view. His opponent, would be another favourite of mine, CM Punk, in what was considered to be a dream match for hardcore wrestling fans, and was bound to steal the show.
I anxiously sat at QB's Sports Bar & Grill in Burlington. My good friend Paul, didn't want to watch the show, because his favourite wrestler, The Undertaker was not on the show. Luckily, another guy who was a regular there, who's now a friend of mine, by the name of James, invited me to sit with his crew for the show.
"I'm really looking forward to Benoit & Punk tonight, that has match of the year written all over it". James replied, "Well of course, anything with Benoit is". I said back to him, "The guy is my friggin hero, I can't even begin to tell you the admiration I have for him". As the show progressed we waited, then came the big match. Or so we thought, as Punk made his way to the ring, the crowd cheered. And as I waited for that familliar rusty guitar riff to hit, teh announcer said, "And replacing Chris Benoit...". James and I just looked at each other befuddled. We couldn't figure out what had just happened. I asked, "Did you read anything on the net?". James said back to me, "No, I havent heard anything". I said back to him, "Well we would've heard if he got injured, I'm guessing it was family emergency. Someone passed away or something".
The show progressed...and I really couldn't tell you what else happened..as it was just another bland Pay Per View. I went home, to my apartment, trying to see if I could find out what happened. Nothing, they had nothing. I tried calling Paul, I couldn't get a hold of him.
On Monday, Jun.25th 2007, I got a suprise visit from my old friend Jeff. We just chit chatted and I said to him, "For some weird reason, Benoit didn't wrestle last night". We kept talking about him, and I said, "I got to get a new shirt of him, because it's been a while since I had one".
I pushed the mystery to the back of my head, as I just went about my day. I headed to church, for my Monday Night Young Adults group. After it was over, I was talking to Natalie, a girl who I had met a few months before, and I can't recall what we were talking about, but in the middle of the conversation, my friend Mike Burtoo, came up to me and said, "Chris Benoit and his family are dead". And I felt like a bulldozer hit me. Natalie asked if I was alright, she didn't seem to grasp what was going on, but I can't blame her, as she probably had no idea, who Chris Benoit really was. I acted unphased, and we continued to talk. A few mintues later, I ran over to Mike, trying to get details, the wwe website was full of tributes. Apparently, Chris along with his wife Nancy, and his seven year old son Daniel, were found dead in there Atlanta home that afternoon.
I felt like rushing home, but didn't as I felt I needed my friends at a time like this. But as the night went on, and we hung out at Kelsey's, it seems as though nobody understood why I felt this way. "He's just a wrestler...it's not like you knew him", many of them said. Not trying to be cold, but they couldn't make sense of it at all. I was ready to explode, but I held back.
The one friend, who did seem to understand that I'd be upset over this..Scott. Wasn't there that night.
I went to my parents place, like I do most Monday nights, they had heard what happened, and my Dad right away said, "Yeah, my money is on double murder-suicide". You would not believe the rage I felt at that time, and that's when the tears filled my eyes, for the first time that night. The arrogant tone my Dad said it in, made it all the more worse.
I called Paul, and he answered. He said, "Man what the hell is going on? This is really messed". We had our theories, and not once did we even think to say that Chris did anything. We didn't think it was possible. I went downstairs, and watched the 3 hour tribute to Chris, which featured all the best, and most memorable matches of his career. It was a beautiful heartfelt tribute that was well done....I didn't think just 12 hours later...it wouldn't mean a thing....
I sat at the computer, at the Terryberry library...when I saw the headline..."Wrestler involved in double murder suicide". I read and read, I shook my head, just saying quietly to myself, "No"! Apparently Chris had killed Nancy on the Saturday, Daniel on the Sunday, and then hung himself later that night. I thought I was going to be sick, I ran off to the bathroom, but instead of getting sick, I cried.
I could go on and on and on, about the details of this situation. But no matter what was said, I couldn't make sense of any of it, not even his own peers, and best friends could. Nobody could. It just seemed impossible, that he could do it!
I went home that night, not knowing what to think. People told me I should despise him, and forget about everything he ever meant to me or anyone else, because it just didn't matter now. But I still refused to believe it was true, and wanted an explenation. I went to bed that night, and the last thing I thought was, "That poor little boy".
The next day, I saw more details poor in, and watch a reporter I didn't particularly care for, by the name of Nancy Grace, do a half assed job of investigating the business I love, and trying to crucify it at every turn. I was so angry at her. I also thought to myself, "Why Chris Why?". I still told myself there was more to this story, but deep down I knew the truth. The man I admired, for so many reasons, was a murderer. It just wasn't fathomable.
The wrestling world had come under fire, as had Vince McMahon. Who on ECW the night they found out all the terrible news, said to the viewing audience there will never be any mention of Chris Benoit, from here on out. And to this day, there hasn't been. It's as if he never existed.....
The issues of steroids playing a factor, and that many wrestlers died before 45, were the main issues these programs were following.
While some of the reporting I saw was half assed, there were some great points brought up. There had to be a reason, he went off the deep end with no warning signs.
As the days turned into weeks, I still continued to watch wrestling half heartedly trying to take my mind off the situation. I now felt differently about the sport I so dearly loved for many years.
Some of my friends, still couldn't understand why I felt the way I did, and outright said that they didn't want to hear another word about him, and his name was "banned" from any conversation. That really hurt, because I was till having trouble coming to terms with it all.
I had so many conflicting emotions....What did it say about me? That I looked up to someone who became like that...but then again I didn't know of course....but then again, he's a wrestler, and the general public laughs at the the notion of wrestlers being looked at as heroes...so some won't take my feelings seriously..then I heard the criticism from acquaintances who don't know much about the situation or wrestling in general...who were making criticisms they weren't in line to make...implying, I should be ashamed for being involved in something like this...I also felt as if people thought I was being over dramatic...but it's funny...as time went on...I realized...that most of those people...hadn't watched wrestling a day in there lives. When I realized it, it help clear my mind, that had been my worst enemy for months...but it didn't help all the way.
I later knew that it wasn't the direct fault of WWE, or wrestling that caused Benoit to do what he did. But when it was revealed that Chris had brain damage that equaled that of a person, who was 80 years old, suffering from dimensia, that could cause paranoia and do outlandish things. He had taken so many shots the head over the years, that it had damaging affects. It seemed to make sense. And it was also revealed that for most of his career, especially in the WWF, he was a very paranoid person in certain situations, thinking he was being followed, or his son would be kidnapped, and took weird precautions, despite never receiving (at least not that anyone knows of), any harsh threats.
I knew deep down while it was Chris Benoit, in body who committed those actions, I still couldn't believe it was Chris Benoit, in mind, who did that. It couldn't be the same guy I met, and admired for years. It didn't excuse the actions...but it still explained them. It really helped me to know that.
I was really upset when Vince McMahon, who I'd defended for months in this situation, denied that can be true, and obsolved himself of the whole thing. Not taking a SHRED of responsibility. I'm not saying he should take the blame...but it's as if, he had nothing to do with the problem. And judging by the shape of Benoit's brain, caused by the shots he was taking, he did! I'm not saying Vince should be blamed for anything Benoit did directly, but safety measures needed to be taken. And to his credit, they were. At first..chair shots to the head were banned seemingly scarce, which was good. However, I found it ironic, that Vince tried to refute ALL the facts, of the analysis of Chris' brain in his interviews, yet was still taking these measures. Vince didn't want to take ANY responsibility for this. This all goes back to Owen Hart, and Brian Pillman, when has Vince EVER taken any responsibility for what has happened to these guys. What I mean by responsibility, is that a simple, him at least acknowledging, that there's a problem. But in his world, nothing is his fault in any way shape or form. Do not take what I said out of context, Vince didn't make Chris do those things, but he could at least speak up and say he's going to do his best in his power, to make sure it doesn't happen again. You're probably thinking, "Well he banned the chair shots". Yes he did, but lately they've slowly been coming back. And it was clear from the angle, on Raw this past Monday, Vince hasn't learned a damn thing this past year.
It's now been a year since this awful tragedy took place. I still watch wrestling, because I believe that there's still a shred of goodness in this business. And I'll always believe that.
A year later, some people still don't understand why it affected me so much. It's hard to get people to understand why, and unless they're fans of the sport, I don't think they ever will. Wrestling fans have a connection with there heroes, that outside observers don't understand. While my encounters with Chris were brief, they were still memorable, judging by what has been said by his peers, my perceptions of him were correct at the time.
But the memory of Chris Benoit, his career, and the situations leading up to and following this horrible atrocity, still lingers sometimes in my head. I don't think about it 24/7, I have gone months without really dwelling on it. But when I learned that this week was the anniversary of those days I talked about in detail, again I thought about it, and was compelled to write this.
I was always cautious of who my heroes were, and to this day, I still am....I thought to myself at times that maybe I wasn't cautious enough...
But then again....who really knows what goes on in the lives of the people...we admire!
"Your prescence still lingers here"-Evanescence.
"Wrapped Inside a Twisted World...I can't decide what is even real anymore"-Tara MacLean.
One year...
It's been one year.....where did it all go....how did it all happen....why did it all happen? Who was that man? What made it all happen?
Basically it just comes down to one question for me......why him?
Why did it have to be someone I looked up too....other people's heroes let them down all the time...but mine never did....hero is a term people use loosely, but I never did...I was always careful to choose my heroes.
In my opinion we need heroes, the world needs heroes. I think Bret Hart said it best, being the anti-hero, is what makes a hero these days in the eyes of society. And to think he said this in 1998, and ten years later, here are some girls...trying to dress a certain way...because Paris Hilton did the same thing.
Pro wrestling is one of the few places people should be looking for heroes. I know I wouldn't want my kid looking for a hero there.
Being someone who has wanted to be a wrestler for so many years, come 1997, it was hard to find that hero. There was Bret "The Hitman" Hart, a character who fought and stood for the right things. I thought, how dare the American wrestling fans turn against him, how dare they turn there backs on a man, who has always done the right thing, and they go off and look up to a lying jerk like Shawn Michaels, and a rotten human being like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. (for those confused, I'm talking in the context of storyline here).
Everyone outside of America however, saw that, and we had our hero, we had the man we needed to be our hero. It went from being storyline, to becoming real for us Canadian wrestling fans. Bret wasn't just another wrestler we liked...he was someone we looked up too. Sure, a lot of us knew he was acting, but it didn't matter, it was almost as if he gave us something to believe in.
By 2000...Bret was gone....who do I look up to now? The Rock? Steve Austin? By then I had become fans of both of those men, and they were two of my favorite wrestlers, but would I call them heroes?? Not really.
The hero I was looking for, had to hold major attributes in his wrestling character, plus his skill and his real life attitude towards the business..... had to be someone who had the hardest working ethic in the wrestling business. Someone who didn't need flashy ways to get people's attention...because that wasn't me either....someone who commanded respect both in character, and off screen, and he commands it, because he earned it...someone who had the burning heart to do what it took to make it to the top of the business...someone who believes in doing what he feels is right, even if the fans don't see it his way.....someone who no matter what his peers, or his naysayers around the world, may have said about him.
His name was...Chris Benoit.
And it's not shocking at all really. Benoit was a product of the Hart family, a graduate of the infamous "Dungeon" in Calgary.
After rising through the ranks of "Stampede Wrestling", and becoming a top wrestler in Japan, Benoit, was one of the most respected wrestlers in the world, and held all the attributes I named.
After more runs in Japan, and his first american exposure, in ECW. I got my first look at Benoit, in WCW. He was a master technician, and old school wrestler. He didn't dress in red & yellow or cut amazing promos. He walked to the ring, with a determined look in his yes, on a mission, and he let his hands do the talking. His matches were some of the best in the world.
He slowly but surely gained a following in the U.S., as well as Canada where he was from.
Years of being a victim of politics, go nowhere angles, mocked by his peers for being bland and numerous classic matches, he finally became a main eventer for WCW in 2000. But it was too late, Chris didn't like what they had done with him, and WWF came calling. His integrity meant more than holding a belt, and WCW had robbed him so many times, or at least tried too, of who he is, in the last 5 years.
He was constantly told:
"You can't do it"
"You'll never reach the top".
"You're too small".
"You have no gimmick, no charisma".
"You can't speak on the mic".
"You don't have the proper look".
"You'll never get over as a top guy".
And in some cases..a lot guys similar to Benoit..had proved there naysayers who said those above things to them as well...right.
In the WWF, they did in just a couple months, what WCW couldn't do in 5 years. Made him a main event player. In his 6th month with the company, he was headling a Pay Per View, with The Rock. No small feat. Benoit was playing the heel, but it didn't matter to me, as he was the guy just trying to realize his dream, and determined to do what he had to do, to get there. Benoit fell short, and lost. But the final buyrate for the show, did a very strong number. Benoit, had made it.
I met Chris for the first time in late 2000, at an autograph signing. He looked at me with a slight smile on his face, and said, "How you doing today buddy?". I said, "Great, I've really waited a long time for this. You're one of my heroes, and I lover what you stand for on and off screen. You have more integrity in the wrestling world than anyone". By the look on his face, I could see, that nobody that day, had said anything like that to him, he said back to me with a smile "I really appreciate that, it's good to know I have fans like you out there".
Benoit was now a babyface come 2001, and in a big feud with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, and was getting over strong, suffered a crippling neck injury, putting him out of action for a year.
In 2002, he returned but this time as a heel, but it didn't last, as the heel vs. heel feud with Kurt Angle, started, where they fought in some of the best matches the wrestling world had seen, as well as forming a reluctant tag team, winning the tag titles. But the feud made Benoit a face again, leading to a WWE Championship match at The Royal Rumble, in 2003, in a true classic, Benoit lost, but the standing ovation he got afterward, made it clear, that Benoit had done something not many workers in the WWE ever do, and that's get over merely based on sheer talent and skill.
Now you know why, the man was my hero...because he fought his way to the top....but now to truly get there...
Fast forward to March.14.2004, my 21st birthday, I sat with my friends, watching as Chris Benoit fought world champion Triple H as well as Shawn Michaels, in a Triple Threat Match. It all finally come down to this, 19 years, of "You'll never make it", "You can't do it!", etc. Came to an end, when Chris Benoit, made Triple H, tap out to the Crippler Crossface, as the crowd, and myself, at Madison Square Garden in New York City, erupted in joy, with cheer as Chris Benoit, had done what he was never supposed to do....
I met Chris again, at an autograph signing in Toronto, I told him about our last meeting, and he remembered it! I cannot even begin to tell you how great that felt. And out of the blue he said to me, "Hey you got a camera?". I said, "My friend does, hang on". As my friend pulled out her camera, I stood beside Chris as she snapped the shot. It was a picture I was sure to cherish as a prized poesssion. What makes that so special? As we were in line, they said, "Mr. Benoit cannot pose for pictures with anyone, but he is willing to take snapshots, as he is pressed for time and has other engagements". But yet he took the time to actually stand up, and give me a real picture. All because of our last meeting.
Benoit held the title for 5 months, becoming a Canadian wrestling icon, only second to Bret Hart. Many people will try to refute that, but I sat there in the Air Canada Centre in 2005, when his music hit, the crowd roared, and people across the arena, were doing the "We're not worthy"..type of bow.
Benoit never did achieve that kind of superstardom again, but it didn't matter, as he triumphed in many of his feuds, but sometimes fell short, he would always recieve a standing ovation, at the end of each match, sometimes he stole the show, other times, he merely carried a sometimes terrible worker, to a watchable match. Either way, nobody worked harder then Chris Benoit, and the fans knew it.
By 2007, Benoit still had a spot as one of he most popular wrestlers on the roster. He worked with younger opponents, who came out looking good because of him. Most notably, a youngster named MVP, whom he feuded with over the U.S. Title. Benoit's last pay per view match, was a great one against MVP, as after beating him time and time again, Benoit finally lost the belt to the fresh young heel.
With Benoit bringing out the best in his opponents, Vince McMahon and the WWE brass, thought he could bring out the best in a SHOW!. Which is why, they moved him to the ECW brand, to lend the show credibillity.
On June 22nd, I sat and watched ECW in my apartment. I watched Benoit beat an up and comer by the name of Elijah Burke, to qualify for a match, in which the vacated ECW Title, was on the line. And it would take place at the "Night of Champions" pay per view. His opponent, would be another favourite of mine, CM Punk, in what was considered to be a dream match for hardcore wrestling fans, and was bound to steal the show.
I anxiously sat at QB's Sports Bar & Grill in Burlington. My good friend Paul, didn't want to watch the show, because his favourite wrestler, The Undertaker was not on the show. Luckily, another guy who was a regular there, who's now a friend of mine, by the name of James, invited me to sit with his crew for the show.
"I'm really looking forward to Benoit & Punk tonight, that has match of the year written all over it". James replied, "Well of course, anything with Benoit is". I said back to him, "The guy is my friggin hero, I can't even begin to tell you the admiration I have for him". As the show progressed we waited, then came the big match. Or so we thought, as Punk made his way to the ring, the crowd cheered. And as I waited for that familliar rusty guitar riff to hit, teh announcer said, "And replacing Chris Benoit...". James and I just looked at each other befuddled. We couldn't figure out what had just happened. I asked, "Did you read anything on the net?". James said back to me, "No, I havent heard anything". I said back to him, "Well we would've heard if he got injured, I'm guessing it was family emergency. Someone passed away or something".
The show progressed...and I really couldn't tell you what else happened..as it was just another bland Pay Per View. I went home, to my apartment, trying to see if I could find out what happened. Nothing, they had nothing. I tried calling Paul, I couldn't get a hold of him.
On Monday, Jun.25th 2007, I got a suprise visit from my old friend Jeff. We just chit chatted and I said to him, "For some weird reason, Benoit didn't wrestle last night". We kept talking about him, and I said, "I got to get a new shirt of him, because it's been a while since I had one".
I pushed the mystery to the back of my head, as I just went about my day. I headed to church, for my Monday Night Young Adults group. After it was over, I was talking to Natalie, a girl who I had met a few months before, and I can't recall what we were talking about, but in the middle of the conversation, my friend Mike Burtoo, came up to me and said, "Chris Benoit and his family are dead". And I felt like a bulldozer hit me. Natalie asked if I was alright, she didn't seem to grasp what was going on, but I can't blame her, as she probably had no idea, who Chris Benoit really was. I acted unphased, and we continued to talk. A few mintues later, I ran over to Mike, trying to get details, the wwe website was full of tributes. Apparently, Chris along with his wife Nancy, and his seven year old son Daniel, were found dead in there Atlanta home that afternoon.
I felt like rushing home, but didn't as I felt I needed my friends at a time like this. But as the night went on, and we hung out at Kelsey's, it seems as though nobody understood why I felt this way. "He's just a wrestler...it's not like you knew him", many of them said. Not trying to be cold, but they couldn't make sense of it at all. I was ready to explode, but I held back.
The one friend, who did seem to understand that I'd be upset over this..Scott. Wasn't there that night.
I went to my parents place, like I do most Monday nights, they had heard what happened, and my Dad right away said, "Yeah, my money is on double murder-suicide". You would not believe the rage I felt at that time, and that's when the tears filled my eyes, for the first time that night. The arrogant tone my Dad said it in, made it all the more worse.
I called Paul, and he answered. He said, "Man what the hell is going on? This is really messed". We had our theories, and not once did we even think to say that Chris did anything. We didn't think it was possible. I went downstairs, and watched the 3 hour tribute to Chris, which featured all the best, and most memorable matches of his career. It was a beautiful heartfelt tribute that was well done....I didn't think just 12 hours later...it wouldn't mean a thing....
I sat at the computer, at the Terryberry library...when I saw the headline..."Wrestler involved in double murder suicide". I read and read, I shook my head, just saying quietly to myself, "No"! Apparently Chris had killed Nancy on the Saturday, Daniel on the Sunday, and then hung himself later that night. I thought I was going to be sick, I ran off to the bathroom, but instead of getting sick, I cried.
I could go on and on and on, about the details of this situation. But no matter what was said, I couldn't make sense of any of it, not even his own peers, and best friends could. Nobody could. It just seemed impossible, that he could do it!
I went home that night, not knowing what to think. People told me I should despise him, and forget about everything he ever meant to me or anyone else, because it just didn't matter now. But I still refused to believe it was true, and wanted an explenation. I went to bed that night, and the last thing I thought was, "That poor little boy".
The next day, I saw more details poor in, and watch a reporter I didn't particularly care for, by the name of Nancy Grace, do a half assed job of investigating the business I love, and trying to crucify it at every turn. I was so angry at her. I also thought to myself, "Why Chris Why?". I still told myself there was more to this story, but deep down I knew the truth. The man I admired, for so many reasons, was a murderer. It just wasn't fathomable.
The wrestling world had come under fire, as had Vince McMahon. Who on ECW the night they found out all the terrible news, said to the viewing audience there will never be any mention of Chris Benoit, from here on out. And to this day, there hasn't been. It's as if he never existed.....
The issues of steroids playing a factor, and that many wrestlers died before 45, were the main issues these programs were following.
While some of the reporting I saw was half assed, there were some great points brought up. There had to be a reason, he went off the deep end with no warning signs.
As the days turned into weeks, I still continued to watch wrestling half heartedly trying to take my mind off the situation. I now felt differently about the sport I so dearly loved for many years.
Some of my friends, still couldn't understand why I felt the way I did, and outright said that they didn't want to hear another word about him, and his name was "banned" from any conversation. That really hurt, because I was till having trouble coming to terms with it all.
I had so many conflicting emotions....What did it say about me? That I looked up to someone who became like that...but then again I didn't know of course....but then again, he's a wrestler, and the general public laughs at the the notion of wrestlers being looked at as heroes...so some won't take my feelings seriously..then I heard the criticism from acquaintances who don't know much about the situation or wrestling in general...who were making criticisms they weren't in line to make...implying, I should be ashamed for being involved in something like this...I also felt as if people thought I was being over dramatic...but it's funny...as time went on...I realized...that most of those people...hadn't watched wrestling a day in there lives. When I realized it, it help clear my mind, that had been my worst enemy for months...but it didn't help all the way.
I later knew that it wasn't the direct fault of WWE, or wrestling that caused Benoit to do what he did. But when it was revealed that Chris had brain damage that equaled that of a person, who was 80 years old, suffering from dimensia, that could cause paranoia and do outlandish things. He had taken so many shots the head over the years, that it had damaging affects. It seemed to make sense. And it was also revealed that for most of his career, especially in the WWF, he was a very paranoid person in certain situations, thinking he was being followed, or his son would be kidnapped, and took weird precautions, despite never receiving (at least not that anyone knows of), any harsh threats.
I knew deep down while it was Chris Benoit, in body who committed those actions, I still couldn't believe it was Chris Benoit, in mind, who did that. It couldn't be the same guy I met, and admired for years. It didn't excuse the actions...but it still explained them. It really helped me to know that.
I was really upset when Vince McMahon, who I'd defended for months in this situation, denied that can be true, and obsolved himself of the whole thing. Not taking a SHRED of responsibility. I'm not saying he should take the blame...but it's as if, he had nothing to do with the problem. And judging by the shape of Benoit's brain, caused by the shots he was taking, he did! I'm not saying Vince should be blamed for anything Benoit did directly, but safety measures needed to be taken. And to his credit, they were. At first..chair shots to the head were banned seemingly scarce, which was good. However, I found it ironic, that Vince tried to refute ALL the facts, of the analysis of Chris' brain in his interviews, yet was still taking these measures. Vince didn't want to take ANY responsibility for this. This all goes back to Owen Hart, and Brian Pillman, when has Vince EVER taken any responsibility for what has happened to these guys. What I mean by responsibility, is that a simple, him at least acknowledging, that there's a problem. But in his world, nothing is his fault in any way shape or form. Do not take what I said out of context, Vince didn't make Chris do those things, but he could at least speak up and say he's going to do his best in his power, to make sure it doesn't happen again. You're probably thinking, "Well he banned the chair shots". Yes he did, but lately they've slowly been coming back. And it was clear from the angle, on Raw this past Monday, Vince hasn't learned a damn thing this past year.
It's now been a year since this awful tragedy took place. I still watch wrestling, because I believe that there's still a shred of goodness in this business. And I'll always believe that.
A year later, some people still don't understand why it affected me so much. It's hard to get people to understand why, and unless they're fans of the sport, I don't think they ever will. Wrestling fans have a connection with there heroes, that outside observers don't understand. While my encounters with Chris were brief, they were still memorable, judging by what has been said by his peers, my perceptions of him were correct at the time.
But the memory of Chris Benoit, his career, and the situations leading up to and following this horrible atrocity, still lingers sometimes in my head. I don't think about it 24/7, I have gone months without really dwelling on it. But when I learned that this week was the anniversary of those days I talked about in detail, again I thought about it, and was compelled to write this.
I was always cautious of who my heroes were, and to this day, I still am....I thought to myself at times that maybe I wasn't cautious enough...
But then again....who really knows what goes on in the lives of the people...we admire!
