Tastycles' inevitably wrong predictions
1. John Cena vs The Rock
Not much to say about this really, it will probably finish the show, and it will be really, really good in all likelihood.
2. Triple H vs The Undertaker (Hell in a Cell)
There's two ways to make this interesting - 1) Make it a retirement match or 2) Make it a gimmick match. A retirement match is most people's first port of call, but it wouldn't make sense. The Undertaker is the one that has asked for this match, so why would he want it to be a retirement match? ("I beat you last year, now I want to put my career on the line" doesn't follow). I realise I'm reducing a man who pretends to be dead to logic, but I think the WWE tends to make sense with its angles.
That leaves option 2. Singles gimmick matches are infrequent at WrestleMania, but not unheard of. Here there is one gimmick match that is the obvious choice - Hell in a Cell. Nobody has been in more Cell matches than The Undertaker. Nobody has won more than Triple H. It is an obvious fit for the two of them to face off in one to see who is the King of the Hell in a Cell match.
3. Chris Jericho v CM Punk (WWE Championship)
The absence of Del Rio, Cena, Kane and Tyler Reks from the Raw elimination chamber means that it is highly likely that Punk will come out victorious from the match and go into WrestleMania as champion. Kofi, Ziggler and R-Truth certainly aren't in a position to do that and with Miz occupied with Truth the only options are these two. I imagine Punk will retain and Jericho will get jealous and the two will feud going into Mania. The seeds of this have been planted, and we shall see them grow over the next few months.
4. Sheamus v Wade Barrett v Randy Orton (World Heavyweight Championship)
Sheamus and Barrett have had a one-upmanship thing going on for a while now, and there's the obvious story with Orton and Barrett that has yet to reach a head. Disgraced WWE moderator Lord Sidious was wrong in most of his wrestling convictions, but he was right when he said "Vince loves triple threats". I expect to see one for this title as there is just about enough tenuous links to get them all involved in the title picture. Sheamus has his rumble win, and I think Barrett will probably win in the Chamber, probably by wronging Orton in some fashion, allowing a match that will probably exceed the quality of its rather tenuous build.
5. The Miz v R-Truth
Fairly obvious one this. I expect if Triple H v Taker isn't a gimmick match, this will be, with some sort of crap name for what used to be called a Hardcore match. "Littly Jimmy play pen" or some such.
6. Christian v Daniel Bryan v Jack Swagger v Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston v Cody Rhodes v Ezeikel Jackson v Mark Henry v Justin Gabriel v Drew McIntyre(Money in the Bank ladder match)
Cluster. Fuck.
7. Beth Phoenix v Kharma (Lumberjill match for Diva's Championship)
The insistence of the WWE to include every single woman in a Divas match at WrestleMania will be to the detriment of this match. Kharma came back at the Royal Rumble as a face, and I expect she will go on as one for a while. Meanwhile, Beth is continuing in her total annihilation of the division, so it seems a good place to stop. I envisage that this may happen at Elimination Chamber instead, but this is as close to a money match as you'll ever get with the Divas.
8. Big Show, Mason Ryan and Shaquille O'Neal v Kevin Nash, David Otunga and John Laurinaitis
If the rumours of Shaq's participation are true, then he is going to be a face, and the WWE not being ******ed, it won't be a singles match. Mayweather is actually a boxer, so was used to working around a ring. Shaq is a unit, but he isn't going to learn how to wrestle in two months. So why the seemingly random names?
Well, Laurinaitis isn't a wrestler right now, so it addresses that balance with the non-wrestler Shaq. Mason Ryan is obviously destined for a push, and nobody is more hated than Laurinaitis right now, so why not use him to get the big man over? Big Show and Shaq faced up to each other two years ago, but that could easily be mutual respect angle, and the annual pain in the arse to put Big Show somewhere is solved. Nash might not be involved at all in Mania, but I think he will be, and his inclusion here is down to the fact he very vaguely was doing stuff with Laurinaitis a few months ago.
This almost certainly won't happen, but it is feasible nonetheless.
9. Jinder Mahal v The Great Khali (Loser leaves town)
I don't want to see it. You don't want to see it. I doubt anyone in India wants to see it. But it's going to happen at some stage, and Mahal is going to win. The only question is whether they'll tarnish WrestleMania with this bullshit.
10. Kane v Zack Ryder
Zack Ryder's not really injured, so the only reason they've had him getting maimed by Kane is to build to something. Cena is seldom involved in their segments. This would be a huge win for Ryder, especially if he came back "before being medically clear" or something like that.
I'm not sure this will happen, to be honest, but I can't see much else for Kane to do.
11. Some combination of Alberto Del Rio, Hunico, Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara
Three of these are injured at the moment, but they can all be lazily booked into a match with any of the others should they return from injury before the show. It would be a fun match, whichever two it was, and I think the most likely event is seeing Del Rio take on Mysterio for the ten millionth time.
12. Brodus Clay v William Regal
This will be dragged out ad nauseam until Regal eventually challenges Clay to a match. Which he will probably lose. Again, not one I think is destined for WrestleMania, but the effort put into Clay recently would suggest he's on his way there.
Preshow: Santoshi v Primo and Epico v The Usos v Hawkins/Beretta v Tyson Kidd/Heath Slater v Tyler Reks/Michael McGillicutty v Alex Riley/Someone v Cryme Tyme (Tag Gauntlet match for WWE Tag Team Titles)
Every year the WWE do something to shoehorn everyone onto the card during the preshow. I think, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, that this year that will come in this format.
