UWF on ESPN with KB

[klunderbunker]

Ok so this is the UWF, and this is considered by many to be the absolute worst “major” wrestling company in American history. Now to be clear, there were two UWFs. This one, run by Herb Abrams, is completely different than the one run by Bill Watts. That one was actually decent.

Anyway, their main show was called Fury Hour and back in the day they used to take the hour long shows and cut them to half an hour to put them on ESPN2. This is ESPN Classic reairing them. There are 24 in total so this is going to be a limited series since they air two episodes a week. Let’s get to it.

Just to be clear the episode numbers are the order in which I see them and have no actual bearing on the show or the order they go in.

UWF on ESPN Episode 1
Date: Sometime between late 1990 and mid 1991
Location: New York
Commentators: Craig DeGeorge, Bruno Sammartino

After a brief highlight reel kind of intro, we see Greg Valentine who is apparently making his debut here. This doesn’t even show up on his Wikipedia page. And all of a sudden we’re in the ring.

Greg Valentine vs. Sonny Blaze

Based on the commentary team, this is sometime between December of 1990 and July of 1991. Sammartino isn’t a terrible commentator. Ok that’s a lie if there ever has been one. Oh and we’re in New York somewhere. The ropes are green yellow and purple. This is odd if there ever has been an odd show. Yep it’s a total squash and it’s over in 2 minutes. Valentine of course dominates.

Rating: N/A. I spent more time figuring out if the bottom rope was black or purple than watching the match. What does that tell you?

Don Muraco vs. Chris Michaels

Muraco is FAT here. Muraco is a heel here I think and yep it’s another squash. He’s going to fight Valentine in two weeks. That’s an indy main event if I’ve ever heard of one. Rick Rude is at ringside which makes sense as he took over a year off from the mainstream between WWF and WCW. A tombstone, which Muraco was using WAY before Taker, ends this.

Rating: N/A. Again this wasn’t anything of note. Muraco and Rude stare at each other after it. I have a feeling this was the highlight of this show.

Captain Lou Albano has an interview segment here for no apparent reason. He brings in a guy named Sonny Beach. Oh dear.

David Sammartino vs. Louie Spicolli

Oh dear indeed. Let’s see. Sammartino has the name and the lack of talent and Spicolli might be the most overhyped dead wrestler of all time. I think this is the main event. What does that tell you? Spicolli is Cutie Pie apparently. After a lot of BORING non action, Sammartino wins with a figure four. Are you sure this is just the first episode?

Rating: D-. That’s your match of the night. I’d put money on it.

Ivan Koloff vs. Steve Ray

Ray isn’t the partner of Booker T in case that’s what you’re thinking. He’s the WILD THING. Oh joy. How in the world was Koloff world champion at one point? Yeah he’s the guy that ended the seven year title run of Sammartino. Honky Tonk Man will be here next week. This is the definition of wrestling hell I think.

Oh this is a grudge match too. Good to know. That referee counts SLOWLY. In the EXACT same finish that Koloff won the world title from Sammartino with back in the 70s, Koloff throws his feet on the ropes to get the pin, ending the show.

Rating: D-. Yep, I was right earlier. This was just a disaster and only passes because there’s a former WWF Champion in there and it’s nearly impossible to find stuff of his outside of the tag team in the NWA during the 80s.

Overall Rating: F. WOW. Somehow calling this the worst wrestling company ever is an understatement. This is like Heroes of Wrestling from the early 90s. I simply do not know what to say here. Guess what my recommendation is.

 

[GIMH]

Sounds a shocker. Quick question though, wasn't Valentine still in WWF in the time period you've given? Pretty sure he is at all PPVs between Survivor Series 90 and Summerslam 91?

 

[klunderbunker]

UWF on ESPN Episode 2
Date: June 1991
Location: Hotel Pennsylvania, New York City, New York
Commentators: Craig DeGeorge, Bruno Sammartino

Let’s do it. No clue what’s going on here but who cares? Just keep in mind that these are half of what was supposed to be an hour long show, so if you wonder why these shows seem like everything is way too fast, it’s supposed to be twice as long. On the flipside, it’s supposed to be twice this long and these are the highlights I guess.

Ivan Koloff vs. ??? Michaels

His opponent’s first name is never given. He’s carrying an American flag if nothing else though. Koloff is in his late 40s here so he’s far past his prime. It never ceases to amaze me that he was world champion. He has a manager named Mr. Red. The ring is rather big to say the least. DeGeorge insulting Sammartino is just not right in any sense of the word.

A very sloppy cobra clutch ends it. Post match Koloff beats the hell out of Michaels with the chain until BOB FREAKING BACKLUND saves him. Oh and the guy’s first name is Chris and he’s a Corporal apparently.

Rating: N/A. What do you want me to say here? There was nothing to say here as it was a total and complete domination.

Wet N Wild vs. Power Twins

I have no clue who any of these four are. Oh Wet N Wild are Steve Ray and Sonny Beach. The Power Twins are strong guys that look alike. Wet N Wild are beach guys I guess. Hokey smoke they have a PPV coming up. It would be called Beach Brawl. We’ll get to that soon enough. AHA! Since it’s next week then this is early June of 1991. We’re getting somewhere!

The Power Twins are Larry and David Power. Good to know. Sonny Beach was a level in Wave Race for the Nintendo 64. That game sounds so much more interesting. They might be actual twins. I think they are. John Tolos is the referee. Man, you’re better than that. Wait…I thought he was in WWF at the time. OH he’s a manager here. That still makes no sense.

Maybe there was a working agreement or something like that. Beach gets the hot tag and I couldn’t be more bored. Somehow this is BY FAR the best match I’ve seen from this show. The heels get the surfboard which misses by at least a foot and a half and of course is sold anyway. Both guys use it and it’s a double DQ.

Rating: D. Like I said, easily the best match in the two shows I’ve watched.

Paul Orndorff vs. Steve Williams

This is a lumberjack match. One of the lumberjacks is none other than MICK FREAKING FOLEY! This could actually be an ok match too. The lumberjacks are Power Twins, Chris Michaels, Cactus Jack, Don Muraco, Steve Ray, Sonny Beach, Johnny Ace and Bob Orton. There’s actually a bit of talent in there. The floor is carpeted.

That’s just odd as hell. This company was more or less one big blowjob to Williams in case you were wondering. The match sucks. Cactus comes in to help his old training partner I guess. Didn’t work but whatever. Jack wasn’t credible yet so it’s understandable. There’s a suitcase in there for some reason and the whole thing is thrown out as the show ends.

Rating: D-. What were they fighting about? Who the hell knows. This was I guess the TV main event and it was nothing special at all. Why am I watching these again?

Overall Rating: F+. I think that’s the starting point for these now. The scary thing is this was WAY ahead of the last show. Two down and twenty two to go. I think I need a drink.

 

[klunderbunker]

UWF on ESPN Episode 3
Date: Sometime between late 1990 and mid 1991
Location: Hotel Pennsylvania, New York City, New York
Commentators: Craig DeGeorge, Bruno Sammartino

Amazingly it’s the same intro that it’s been the entire time. Why is David Sammartino featured?

Sonny Beach vs. Bob Orton

Orton is with John Tolos and is a 247lb wrestler apparently. Hopefully this goes quickly. This was in the middle of an hour long show as this is listed as the next match. Beach is a surfer in case you didn’t get the idea. This channel has a really bad habit of cutting to a commercial out of nowhere where it seems like there shouldn’t be a commercial there. Yep I’m bored already, just like the fans here.

How much were these guys paid to show up I wonder. This just is boring to say the least. It’s just suck a basic match and the guys are so uninspired that it’s pathetic. WHO IN THE FUCK THOUGHT THIS NEEDED TWO COMMERCIALS??? Oh great now we’re on the floor to make this thing go even LONGER. And after FIFTEEN MINUTES of TV time, Steve Ray comes in for the DQ.

Cactus Jack comes in for the save for the heels and beats up Ray. Ray tries a dropkick and literally can’t get up to the chest. Jack means very little at this point as he hasn’t even been to WCW at this point I don’t think. Yeah he hadn’t been yet.

Rating: D-. Foley is involved so it isn’t a failure. SWEET DAMN this was boring though. This Beach guy has been on every show and he’s just not any good at a ll. Orton was past his prime by about 5 years here and the whole thing was awful. Terribly boring match.

Cactus Jack vs. Don Muraco

Jack comes out to the only theme song of the 80s it seems: Welcome to the Jungle. Muraco is FAT at this point. Oh and Jack has to come out again after going back to the back for no apparent reason. I’m guessing that it was a later segment. Jack in a singlet is odd as hell. Apparently this is a blood feud. Good to know. Oddly enough Muraco and Orton were the heels that opened Mania 3.

Ok not that interesting but I’m dying for material here. I think Jack’s tights are threatening to eat his stomach they’re up so high. Why do wrestling shows have so many commercials? Jack wanders off and gets the garbage can which he winds up inside. The WORST post shot I’ve ever seen follows as Jack might get two feet away. He’s in the garbage can but still that was awful. And he goes into a table now.

Not an ECW table mind you. A regular table. It’s very clear here that Foley is a future big deal while Muraco is just old and generic. Tolos is back again and cheering for…someone. Apparently it’s for Jack. This is all Foley mind you and you guessed it: as I type that the tide turns. And then the bell rings. No explanation is given as the show just ends.

Rating: D. Again just because I love Mick Foley. This was way better than the previous match somehow but that’s not saying much. Foley was clearly something special as no one else was doing the wild stuff ¬¬that he was doing at the time. Muraco was clearly over the hill and no one really cared but there you are as it’s the UWF.

Overall Rating: D-. This show is like a joke that you play on your friends. “Yeah sure I want to watch wrestling. Uh, why are you tying me to a chair? Dude I can hold my own eyes open. The hell are you doing? *UWF comes on* AHHHH!!! LET ME SHUT MY EYES!!!” It’s like that. Luckily for me this is the next to last one I’ll have to do apparently as they’re replacing it with more AWA so I’m rather happy.

 

[klunderbunker]

UWF on ESPN Episode 4
Date: Sometime in the 90s
Location: Some High School Gym
Commentators: John Tolos, Craig DeGeorge

This is likely the last one I’ll be doing as the program seems to be being dropped by ESPN Classic thank goodness. They’re in a different place here so at least it’s something different. Maybe it’ll be better.

Deathrow 3260 vs. Nightstalker

Nightstalker is more commonly known as Brian Clark or Adam Bomb or Wrath depending on which company you prefer to hate him in. I liked him so I can’t say anything. The other guy who we’ll call Numbers is a big black guy in prison uniform. Ok then. Clark has a HUGE axe with him so there we are. They look like they’re in a high school gym and an empty one at that. They touch each other twice and it’s commercial time.

Thank goodness this is the last one more than likely. Wow that place is empty as hell and this place would last two more years somehow. They’re going for a power vs. power match here and it’s just epically failing. Tolos sucks on commentary too. Yeah I hate this company. Apparently this was in the middle of the show. Still no clue where in the world we’re broadcasting from. There MIGHT be 100 people there. Clark beings in the axe and there’s your DQ.

Rating: F-. Do I even need to explain this one? At least when Berzerker tried to maim people it was funny.

Lou Albano does his interview segment with some surfer guy and it’s just made of fail. They say this is in January, which makes no sense as Tolos was gone by that point so I’m going with no date. Does it really matter?

Helmut Hessler vs. Wild Thing

The guy in the interview was Wild Thing apparently. Hessler has some Heyman wannabe with him named Casey or something. Oh it’s Steve Ray. He was supposed to be a big deal I think but it never was anything. They talk about a TV Title tournament which implies June of 91, which makes even less sense. I give up. Sonny Beach is here to balance things out I guess. Hessler is a German guy in headgear.

Ray sets for a belly to belly and shouts to the crowd for ten seconds. Hessler stands there and says no don’t do it for the entire time. I hate this ting. GOOD NIGHT there are a lot of empty bleachers in there. Yes bleachers, not chairs. We hit the floor now and I’m very bored. Ray dives onto both heels in easily the most exciting thing in UWF history. Casey hits him with a golf club and somehow that’s not a DQ.

Beach is nowhere to be seen. Oh ok he’s trying to go through the ring instead of on the floor like he should do. Oh there he is. And he stands there while Casey hits him even more. This guy is AWFUL. And none of that gets a DQ??? Five golf club shots, the bell and the table aren’t enough to validate a DQ?

Hessler actually has a decent look. Ray and Beach might be the worst faces I have ever seen in any company, and that includes indies. He makes his comeback and Casey pulls the top rope down to FINALLY draw the DQ. He botches that in case you were wondering.

Rating: F+. This fails but not as badly as the other one somehow. This was just so over the top that it was unbelievable, and that’s from a guy that’s watched as much wrestling as I have.

Overall Rating: F-. Oh no. Just…no. Easily the worst 30 minutes of wrestling I have ever seen. This was worse than Heroes of Wrestling where at least there was an ok idea. Thankfully this seemed to be the last one I’ll have to see.