Fare thee well for the time being, Impact
by Bryan Alvarez
I was thinking about this, and I don't believe that in the 19 years I've been writing this newsletter I have ever boycotted a television program because it sucked so goddamned bad. That changed this week.
After all these years, TNA Impact finally broke me. The show on Thursday night was up there with the worst pro-wrestling programs I've ever seen in my life. It might have been the worst. Maybe, top-to-bottom, objectively there has a worse show historically. But no show ever caused me to command a one-month (at the moment) boycott before, so I think the evidence is in that this was the worst pro-wrestling show I've ever seen.
I don't care if this is "my job," or if people want me to watch it and suffer through it so that they don't have to. I don't care. At the end of the day, while it is my job, it's also my company, so I can make my own decisions, and my decision is that I am not watching Impact for at least one full month.
I had considered watching the PPV next Sunday since a PPV is more important than television, but come on now. No one is buying this PPV, and the idea that I'm going to have to pay $34.95 for it is reason enough to skip it. I'll be 39 years old when that show airs. I don't need this in my life. There is plenty of actual pro-wrestling to watch.
The more I think about it, the less guilty I feel about not watching this product. Even if one were to argue that this is "my job," technically my job is to watch all the major pro-wrestling shows on US television, and you know what? At this point it is tough for me to classify Impact as a pro-wrestling television show. I don't know what the hell it even is. It's a variety show that features people fighting, only part of which actually takes place in a pro-wrestling ring, and none of which anyone could possibly care about because the majority of the characters are so completely unlikeable, and the shit they do makes no sense.
I read an article on why it's tough for the people writing Impact. It was written by Vince Russo. Yeah. So, as one would expect, it was filled with 9 million bullshit excuses. I liked the one about how the building at Universal Studios is not a good building for wrestling because so many tourists show up. I was unaware that pro-wrestling fans were restricted from attending. That's like saying the crowd at Full Sail University for NXT sucks because only college kids go. Except it appears plenty of wrestling fans manage to attend at Full Sail, plus the NXT crowds almost never suck. It is ironic, because Russo claimed that the crowd sucked because sometimes Impact had to tape one and a half shows per taping. Last time I checked NXT taped four shows per taping. ROH tapes four shows per taping. They seem to be doing all right. Come to think of it, they're doing great.
Russo claimed it was tough because you had to balance everything out to make sure people weren't involved in too many segments on a particular show. I nearly pissed my pants reading that. I saw EIGHT STRAIGHT SEGMENTS involving talking on Thursday night. EIGHT. You can read Vinny's review, but I think I saw MVP in at least five different segments on one show. Maybe ten. I lost track.
Russo had his usual litany of excuses. At the end of the day, it all boils down to this: the show sucks. Everything about it sucks, with the exception of some talented people who actually try to have good matches. There is zero understanding of what pro-wrestling is or why peoplelive or on televisionwould want to watch the show. They have no idea how to build interest in any of the matches or feuds, they have no idea how to pace a show, they have no idea how to make characters likeable or dislikeable. Russo ranted about fact vs. opinion. This is not opinion. This is fact. The quarter-hour ratings plunging throughout the show is an embarrassment. The buyrates are an embarrassment even compared to THEIR OWN BUYRATES several years ago, and they are ONE-TENTH what they were getting during their peak (60,000 for two Joe vs. Angle matches). Their house show attendance is an embarrassment. ROH is challenging them for their fans. This is not fact vs. opinion. What they're presenting is not what people want to see. And don't even get me into the MVP vs. Dixie Carter storyline. I'm pretty sure this is the only storyline I've ever seen in my entire life where there is no way more than one single solitary person (Dixie Carter) could possible care about it. To think this worst Impact ever went off the air with the tease that the Dixie vs. MVP war was going to escalate. Who gives a fuck? As a viewer, I hate them both. Two heel factions, two completely unlikeable groups of people, WHO LARGELY DO NOTHING BUT TALK TO EACH OTHER INCESSANTLY ABOUT SHIT NOBODY CARES ABOUT, are going to war, and I'm supposed to care.
I have better things to do. You should too. It's summertime. Enjoy the cool Thursday night air. Read a good book. Chat with your loved ones, enjoy a light meal. But don't watch this show. You want to support a good wrestling show on a Thursday, NXT is on the WWE Network and ROH's show is available to everyone for free every Thursday. They care, they try, TNA doesn't.
