This Week In Wrestling With Jake, Sam & This Week's Guest(Mostly NorCal)

[Uncle Sam]

Here we go again. Aw yeah. What an exciting week, eh? No, not really.

Raw. Raw was pretty, I dunno, I don't really remember. JoMo beat Jericho. He's sloppy and he's got an odd promo style, but I still prefer JoMo. Jericho asked who the GM was and on the other forum I was on, all you could hear was:

SLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURPSLURP

They were sucking his dick, in case you were wondering what all that onomatopoeia was all about. Cena made Gabriel look like gold - like he did to ol' Danny Young a couple of weeks ago - but the internet was wearing sunglasses and smacking the pavement with a stick while that was happening. I'm saying they were blind, if you didn't get that one either.

Daniel Bryan cut his worst promo yet. I think it was because he came out in his pants while Miz was wearing a nice suit. Night of Champions will be make or break for both of them. I'm thinking break for Bryan. The Miz push is unstoppable at this point. Shame, I liked Bryan for, like, a good three months. That's an abnormally long period.

And speaking of abnormally long periods, Raw's women are still shit. I mean, sorry, wrestling's women are still shit. Did I watch NXT? Fuck no. Infected by cooties and shit, innit?

Back to Raw, Orton RKO'd everyone. He made Barrett look good first; was nice of him. Orton and Cena are reaching a worrying level of homoeroticism with their staredowns.

I gave up watching SmackDown. By that, of course, I mean that I went back to watching what I thought might be the good bits on YouTube. Alberto Del Cunt, I don't have to suffer through you any more. Nor your terrible promos, Undertaker and Kane.

I got see Punk get buff, get some new tattoos and then lose to Undertaker. He tried his best to drag Punk's promo down but didn't mention demons or anything. Stupid Undertaker, you know full well how to ruin a promo - even a Punk one. Kind of you not to, though. Punk's newfound girth must mean that SmackDown might get worth watching again. We'll see.

Kaval had a good match with Drew McIntyre. Not sure why he lost, but there you go. He could've been the new Daniel Bryan. I could have liked him for three - count 'em, three - months. I liked him for three months before, but he was in TNA, so that doesn't really count.

Speaking of TNA, it was shit this week. Didn't watch it, but it was, wasn't it? Shit like new Simpsons. Or Hot Fuzz. Oh yeah, I went there.

If it weren't for Punk and Kaval this week, I'd have stopped watching wrestling altogether by now. They're the new Barrett or Bryan.

 

[Mighty NorCal]

Actually TNA wasnt shit this (last?) week becuase it wasnt on the air. No reason or warning given on that, btw. Not that I mind, or question it, like all miracles passed down from the Good Lord on high.

The only wrestling I watched was Smackdown, live and in person. Superb show, but what else is new, really. Kaval losing? Aye, quite the shock. Likely leads to him "getting serious" and ditching LayCool eventually. Sam you will be happy to know the place sounded like a middle school ballet recital during Del Rio's entrance. About as much heat as a meat locker. I could hear the pyro rain, it was so quiet. Also, Kofi Kingston, shockingly over. I have no idea what Vickie said before he came out, the booing is so loud in person, you can never hear what she is saying.

I know you are all thinking "but NorCal, if you went to the show, you MUST HAVE seen NXT as well!!!" Uh, an hour long diva search segment? Yea sure, you can fuck right off with that. I showed up an hour late, to the live event. Although Vickie's girl, whats her name, is utterly stunning in person. I want to bite her leg.

I did watch RAW last night. Dont remember a fucking thing from it, as usual. The table match was pretty cool, a decent finish to the show. William Regal is awesome. I say all this now becuase there is very, VERY little chance I recall anything about this show come this weekend.

 

[Uncle Sam]

This pseudoweek in wrestling, stuff happened. And some things. I hope I used pseudo correctly. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't.

Erm, what happened on SmackDown? I'll tell you what happened on SmackDown! Not much. It was confirmed that Christian and Alberto Del Really Bad Wrestler were having a feud - as many suspected. Despite ADRBW being a considerably worse wrestler than even Christian, it's still kind of an elevation for him. Shame about that - I kind of like Christian a little bit on some days. Hopefully ADRBW keeps getting the ol' Charlie Haas pop so I can watch something other than him when I turn on SD. Oh, he's so arrogant and-- and-- and cocky. Alberto Del Rio; not only breaking new ground as a heel, but building a railway all the way to Unique Heel City. Amirite?

Elsewhere, CM Punk had a match with Christian. I think I watched it, but I can't remember. I suppose that means it was somewhat unremarkable. Yep, that would be the sensible conclusion. I might not have watched it, actually.

Then Undertaker and Kane had another segment that I also may not have seen, but can tell you was painful to watch for anybody over the age of four. It's like if the Teletubbies cut a shoot promo on the sun baby. I don't know why, but it is. "That sun baby was a real piece of shit", etc. etc.

And, you know, Night Of Champions.

Ziggler and Kofi, I like them now. Granted, it may be because I muted their match and just stuck "Ebony and Ivory" on loop. It really gives the impression of a violent race war happening in front of your very eyes. Who knew Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder were so bloodthirsty? I did. And I tried to warn you. Powerful, powerful stuff. Anyway, good match.

I don't know what match came up next. WWE.com won't tell me. I'm going to guess it was the Lumberjill Match. The match where the one standout was one random diva awkwardly trying to incite a completely random fight early. In her defense, it was completely random so, you know, why not just start awkwardly pretending to punch each other early? They should get Vader and Ken Shamrock to teach these divas how to fight. They wouldn't be able to walk for weeks. Because they'd beat each other up so bad or because Shamrock and Vader would have sex with them? You decide. I'd imagine sex with either would be thoroughly unpleasant, mind you. I bet Shamrock starts incessantly screaming and Vader probably has to pop his eye back in at numerous points. Like sex with NorCal then.

Anyway, the one that wasn't Melina won. The entire diva's division are "the one that isn't Melina" to me. Not because I like her - because she's the only one I can name. I'd lie and say I hope NXT brings through some new female talent but I'd honestly rather they scrapped the division altogether. Also, people cried because they now have no Women's title and two butterfly belts. Oh well. At least a belt that was genuinely nice didn't get replaced. If Kane started coming out with a butterfly belt, I'd get your point.

Let's suppose that CM Punk versus Big Show was next. Obviously a standout because CM Punk cut a promo and, you know, CM Punk promos are really good. This one was really good too, unsurprisingly. The match itself probably could have sort of lived up to the promo but they decided to abruptly have Big Show knock Punk out; and after he delivered that spot where he jumped out the ring and everything! I miss when Punk won matches.

Dashing and Dastardly won the tag titles in what I thought was a pretty good Gauntlet Match. "Everyone's getting buried because their matches are so short!", the dark corners of the internet whined. Well, not really. The individual matches were actually twice as long as they typically are and everybody came away looking pretty good. Unless you want an hour-long Gauntlet Match, you should make every match about five minutes long.

Daniel Bryan versus The Miz was actually on before that, but I refuse to move this paragraph on principle. Best match of the night. Disappointingly, because I'd say it was only "good" - a ***9/18 on the Xfear Scale™. I was into it though and let a little cheer when he won the title. Well, I semi-sarcastically yelled - well, said - "Yay!". That's really the best you'll get out of me. I'm glad he got a new theme afterwards but that's a story for another paragraph.

Kane and Undertaker was good, despite the commentary occasionally trying to emphasise how these were two demons fighting to become Satan's favourite. Why would Americans of all people cheer for somebody that built the devil a house? It doesn't make sense to me. Shit, I suppose as long as he didn't build it anywhere in New York, right? Anyway, it was no worse than their previous encounters and that's all you can really hope for. Kane won in an ending that apparently really surprised people. Huh.

Orton winning the title was so predictable it shocked me. Despite - ashamedly - being somewhat of an Orton fan, I was actually a little irritated. It's not like an Englishman winning the title is actually important to me but I do like first time champions. Yes, even Jack Swagger. And I could have also used that made up story I told everyone to have an excuse to leave this place forever. Look at me, typing out paragraph after paragraph about a professional wrestling show as if it actually warrants analysis - superficial as my perspective may be. Shoot me in the head now.

As I'm sure you want to know, the internet now has a good three nicknames for Randy Orton. They are as follows:

• Blandy Orton
• Randy Boreton
• Blandy Boreton

Raw followed the pay-per-view, as it usually does.

John "I have a beard" Morrison beat Chris "I'm leaving any week now" Jericho in a match for the ages. The ages of, uh, people that, uh, like fairly decent but quietly unremarkable wrestling matches. Yep.

Daniel Bryan essentially beat Edge in a continuation of a storyline that doesn't really need to be continued but whatever.

John Cena and Wade Barrett-- Sorry, John Cena and Wade "I enunciate every word and yet people pretend I don't speak clearly" Barrett-- Sorry, John Cena and Way "Oi enonciayte ev'ry werd 'n' yat peephole pretend oi down't spake clearly" Barrah agreed to have a match. If Cena wins, five wrestlers are apparently out of jobs. That's a bit cold, John. My prediction, the two square up, Barrett pokes Cena in the chest and-- OHMYGOD! Cena's on the floor! One-two-three. Que nWo music for no apparent reason:

[YOUTUBE]NWZ0gJ0HAyA[/YOUTUBE]

4 lyfe.

 

[Mighty NorCal]

I watched Smackdown. Aye, parts of RAW and Impact as well, but neither held my atrtention in the least bit.

RAW can be summed up with Sheamus doesnt like Randy Orton, and Cena doesnt like Nexus. Basically. Throw in a bunch of other useless, meaningess shit, and there is RAW for ya.

Impact....Like anyone has ANY fucking idea what is going on every week on that show. Raven's shirt fucking rocked my socks though. Mick Foley and Ric Flair bladed during what was a decidedly creepy and depressing promo. Didnt watch any more of the show after that. Hey, fuck off, it was 5am and I had banged four times that day. FOUR TIMES.

SD, wow what a disappointment. First of all, who in the blaring fuck picked THAT for the theme song? Really?

Also, let us all hope that this first episode was in no way shape or form indicitive of what we are in store for.....that being a weekly RAW 2.0.....Adds a coat of gloss to the show? Yea, sure, but at what price. Our lovely weekly wrestling show has been overrun with super awesome comedy segments, skits, meaningless 2 minutes squashes that benefit no one, and zero clean finishes, or matches that finish, period.

Speaking of meaningless squashes, it is clearly autumn. How do I know? Leaves turning, Halloween right around the corner, football games....and CM Punk being mercilessly crushed by The Undertaker in a squash that benefits absolutely no one, and nothing. Why, its a new yearly October tradition.

 

[Uncle Sam]

SmackDown's new theme song is that "Know Your Enemy" shit? I always thought that song was shit and, after YouTubing it and finding out it's done by Green Day, I can confirm that it is, in fact, shit.

I'd be lying if I said I actually watched SmackDown. I noticed that CM Punk was on RAW earlier this week and then sat there for a good ten minutes, wondering why on Earth I'd bother watching SmackDown ever again. I lie - I made my decision in about 0.5 seconds.

So, as you've come to expect, I'll pass comment on something I haven't even seen. Thank you, WWE.com. Says here that MVP, Alberto Del Rio and Tyler somebody were on the show. Man, I'm really missing out.

RAW had, like, two good matches or something. I think that's the record for a wrestling show in the last few months. Daniel Bryan, with his unsuitable titantron, sort of redeemed his random squash against Sheamus. At least he has a good attire. I always said it was his attire that was holding him back. It's not quite at Kurt Angle's attire-on-fire standard, but at least he doesn't dress like William Regal any more. And his little underpants seem to fit him. Bless.

Randy Orton made Justin Gabriel look respectably good. Not as good as John Cena would have made him look (or, I forget, may have actually made him look) but he looked pretty good. Then he got RKO'd and, yeah, sensible result.

CM Punk debuted on RAW but they had him - wait for it - wrestle instead of cutting a promo. What's the point of that, eh? I'm not that one that thinks Punk can't have good or great matches - because he can and has - but I'd still much rather see a microphone in his hand. And he got his most impressive win in about half a year by narrowly beating that guy that everyone narrowly beats. Stand up and frantically bang your meaty appendages together in celebration!

Miz and John Cena had what I presume was an alright match. I think I might have fast-forwarded it. I'd already watched about four matches of wrestling and when that's not on a pay-per-view, I'm easily dazed and confused. You'll have to forgive me.

Wade Barrett then cut a perfectly understandable promo where he properly pronounced words. I wish he'd stop doing that, the bastard. Well, he can't pronounce "McMahon" - though I think it might actually be everyone else that's pronouncing it wrong in the first place. Sounds like a Scottish name and I don't know why I'd trust Americans on how to pronounce it when they can't pronounced "Birmingham".

TNA, eh? That "They" angle they'd been dragging on since, well, since I'd stopped watching; turned out it was Jeff Hardy, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Jarrett and Eric Bischoff. A stable with arbitrary members!? In TNA!? Breaking new ground. In fact, this ground is so fresh that, when touched with such a concept, it exploded everywhere, throwing thousands of tons of volcanic ash in the air, causing widespread tectonic activity, resulting in tsunamis, earthquakes and many other natural disasters. The death toll is predicted to be well into the billions. SUCH IS TNA'S INNOVATION.

 

[Uncle Sam]

I've decided to write this as wrestling just got interesting again. I say that because the Royal Rumble's coming up. Nobody's actually written anything good. There aren't good matches or promos happening on a weekly basis. No, that'd be fucking mental.

The Royal Rumble was always my favourite event. Even moreso than WrestleMania. Good thing wrestling has nostalgia to keep it limping along, otherwise they'd have to come up with something, you know, good. Props on SummerSlam though, boys.

Mr. Anderson won the TNA title. All I have to say about that is that calling yourself or your fans an asshole is - and I've always wanted to use this word on a regular basis - repugnant. It just brings up the image of a big anus in my head. Yeah, what a world champion. Oh, and he kept Jeff Hardy's dumbass belt.

I watched MCMG vs. Beer Money at that pay-per-view they had. I wanna say Genesis. It was quite good, unsurprisingly.

On RAW, stuff is occurring - as it often does. Punk's been cutting some below par promos. That's all I can think about worth mentioning. Josh Matthewsbot continues delivering commentary like an android programmed by Vince McMahon.

Oh, and John Morrison, eh? Yeah, John Morrison. I like him. Don't tell anyone.

SmackDown, Dolph Ziggler's no. 1 contender. People seem to think this means he's suddenly improved. I don't think he has. I always thought he was fairly decent. I liked his attire, at least. In fact, he was wearing something not entirely un-Uncle Sam-esque this week. That is to say, I own a leather jacket and jeans in that colour. Love that colour, me. Hope he wins the world title because Edge is, you know, shit.

Bored now.

 

[Coco]

I reckon I'll take a crack at this.

Watch the Rob Van Dam, MCMG, and Jeff Jarrett related content from both Genesis and iMPACT this week as that's how I roll. The novelty of once against seeing heel Jarrett after a four year absence still hasn't worn off and this MMA angle tickles the right spots for me while, somehow, working smarks into that markish fervor they all think they're above. You go girl. As for Rob Van Dam, he can still move. More than I can say for the Hardy Brothers. If only he was in the ring on a regular basis with young talent who'd push him to another level. Le sigh.

Val Vanis took time out of his busy schedule this week to shit on the Hardy Brothers. While I'm unsure how I feel about the backyarder accusations, I do know that most of Matt Hardy's signature offense doesn't look right even by professional wrestling move standards. That thing where he side headlocks someone and they both fall back; What is that garbage?

In response, Matt Hardy took a moment to kill the magic of yet another work, just as he did in those videos where he insisted he wasn't crazy.

John Morrison, while having always been a favourite of mine, continues to grow on me. I found myself cheering him on very heavily this week and feeling as if his middle of the show match with Sheamus was similar to some of Rob Van Dam's encounters to Chris Jericho in 2002 and 2003 -- The athletic up and comer whose booking is often mishandled vs. the former heel champion who's on midcard duty at the mo'. If I can somehow connect Morrison to my feelings about some of Van Dam's past matches, that says nothing but good things about Jo(Mo)hn.

I wonder if Daniel Bryan is nursing an injury or something. Could that be why he hasn't been featured as heavily in the ring on Raw lately? His match on Superstars the other weeks says otherwise, but still. All I know is that his eventual match with Tyson Kidd will be pretty good. Tyson always was the talent of the Dynasty.

I like Big Show when he's not trying to be funny. As such, watching him was a pleasure this week.

Jack Swagger and Kofi Kingston had a very good match for two guys who, in my estimation, aren't ready to live up to the hype they're given. The botched finish suggests I'm not wrong about Kofi.

I struggle to remember what else happened. Dolph Ziggler continues to be sound in every way and exceed my past expectations for him. I guess I prefer that to Miz, who continues to be sound in very few ways and also exceeds my past expectations for him. Oh, and CM Punk in Nexus isn't going as well as I'd have hoped. That's what I get for watching good television before I watch wrestling. The latter just can't compare.

 

[Y 2 Jake]

I watched Bottom Line, or whatever the highlight show is called that shows both brands. It was decent, makes wrestling better when they cut out the shit, unsurprisingly.

I wanted to watch the Smackdown Nexus angle, and I did. It was ok. Big Show should throw Slater & Gabriel around, but Barrett should get a little bit of offence. Ezekiel Jackson, I like him because he's big and black. I've said this before. He's also not bad, Christian got some decent matches out of him and he's overrated as fuck. Don't smile though Zeke, you look like a cunt. And it makes your head wrinkle more.

Punk vs. Cena should really be more appealing. However on previous matches between the two Punk has been buried. Can't see it being any different this time.

Daniel Bryan, what are you?

No doubt there was an episode of iMPACT! this week. Strange, I noticed Bravo had gone missing, but the fact there was no TNA didn't really occur to me.