Paul Bearer's Hits From The Crypt with KB

[klunderbunker]

Paul Bearer’s Hits From The Crypt
Host: Paul Bearer
Commentators: Stan Lane, Gorilla Monsoon

Another comp tape with no apparent theme.

We open with clips of Bearer interspaced with clips of various matches set to the old organ music. Appears to be from about 94-95. Paul says that he and Taker come to the Crypt just to chill out. Apparently he has been watching thousands of matches in the mortuary. After a brief list of some of the matches we have coming it’s time to go. Let’s get to it.

Oh sweet Stan Lane (see what I did there?) is the commentator. He wasn’t around long but he was awesome at this. This is during Jeff’s country music period which didn’t go anywhere because Jarrett went to WCW. Luger’s major push is over so now he’s a rebel or something. Gorilla claims to have looked like Luger in his younger days but couldn’t make a dime.

We get rare references to Jerry Jarrett which made me scratch my head for a bit there. Feeling out period to start us off as Lane is lead commentator here and Gorilla is analyst. Luger controlling to a degree so far but it’s not like we’ve had much to go on at this point. Jarrett looks like a peacock exploded on him.

The commentators talk about how Luger isn’t motivated. Wow what a shock that concept is. Very boring here so far as Luger just looks bored and pretty clearly was leaving rather soon. They’re burying Lex here with Gorilla flat out taunting him. He can’t even get a comeback going. You know he’s winning though so can we just skip ahead to that please?

And we get a sleeper as we shift over to visual interpretation of the match. Apparently a sleeper isn’t a submission hold. Even though you win by submission if you win with it. Yeah Gorilla isn’t that smart at times. Ok apparently it’s not a pinning combination either. Also anything can happen to you when you fall asleep. Odd line.

Luger makes a weak comeback and gets a backslide for two. This is painfully boring. Suplex by Luger and both fall asleep apparently. Wow 95 was a bad time for this company. The announcers don’t see to care either and I can’t say I blame them. The Rack goes on and it’s over. Riveting.

Rating: D-. Boring as hell match with everyone not caring at all. Luger was just boring as hell at this point as he was clearly heading out no matter what he told Vince. After 93 he was totally worthless and this is about as good of an example as you’re going to get. And it was long to top off the reasons why this sucked. Totally awful here.

Intercontinental Title: Razor Ramon vs. Shawn Michaels

Ok this more or less has to be good right? Diesel is still with Shawn here so I’m thinking mid 94 because after that he would have been face and possibly champion. Razor has the title. They really like telling us that he’s from the Barrio. Diesel is apparently well over seven feet tall. Height in wrestling always amuse me.

Long feeling out process to start and our first offense is a powerslam by Razor for two. They go back and forth for a bit until we go to the floor where Razor tries the Razor’s Edge on the concrete. Well he is a bad guy I guess. HBK of course escapes and takes over. Shawn works the back after slamming Razor on the floor.

Chinlock time as we hear that Razor doesn’t know the word quit. It amazes me how much people can learn with a simple heel turn. A few fast covers get us nowhere but the crowd is waking up somewhat. Gorilla goes into some medical jargon and Stan simply says “Uh…” We agree Stan.

This chinlock is a LONG one. After nearly four minutes in it Razor makes the break and hits a running knee lift to put Shawn down. Razor makes the big comeback abut Diesel pulls him through the ropes and the double teaming begins. Razor is all like FUCK THAT and fights them off but it’s a double countout.

Rating: D+. Wow I wouldn’t have expected that. This was rather boring for the most part with that chinlock going on FAR too long. It’s not horrible but it’s terribly underwhelming. This was the problem with Coliseum Video title matches: most of the time the ending was never anything special at all. You would get an occasional change though.

Wait maybe we’re not done. Razor gets on the mic and says let’s finish this. Apparently we’re going to do that as Diesel makes the distraction but Razor stops Shawn from jumping him. It’s been cranked way up as Shawn blocks a belly to back from the middle rope. Superkick is timed amazingly as when Shawn started it Razor’s head was turned so he literally turned his head and got drilled. It only gets two though.

The referee goes down as Shawn pushes Razor into him. Gorilla wants to go be the referee. Crowd is awake now too. Razor’s Edge hits but there’s no referee. Shawn has the fake IC Belt so this is before Mania X. Diesel drills Razor with it but everyone is still down. Marty Jannetty comes down out of nowhere and breaks up the pin. He causes Diesel to hit Shawn and a rollup gets the pin. How the referee didn’t see that was beyond me but whatever.

Rating: C. That’s for the whole thing mind you. The latter half was FAR better but also far shorter. Not a bad match overall but not great either. Naturally they would have a FAR better one in a few months at Madison Square Garden, but for now this was ok I guess.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Mabel

Oscar raps us to the ring here. Oh my head hurts. Gorilla sings with the song and it’s painful yet funny at the same time. Bigelow jumps him during the rap to end it quickly. Apparently Mabel’s jacket looks like a table cloth. We have two power guys and we get a damn armbar? Really?

The crowd chants WHOMP THERE IT IS. Oh dear. The jacket is still on and Bigelow can’t suplex him. Must have been the jacket weighing him down. Oscar and Luna get in the ring and are gone in about 9 seconds. Was there a point to that? Ah it’s 94-95 so that’s a stupid question.

And now Bigelow works on the arm. Dude YOU’RE FREAKING FAT! Why are you using an armbar? LOUD crowd here. There’s a bunch of smoke in the arena for some reason. Must be the hotness that is Luna. Ok so according to the commentary this is 1994. Mabel goes for a “dropkick” and hits one foot in the stomach. That’s better than I expected.

He follows that up with “a spinning martial arts type move.” What a great analysis there Stan. He also thinks that Ray Charles designed the outfits for this match. Mabel gets a splash and doesn’t cover like the idiot that he is. How did Mabel have a better resume in WWF than Bigelow? And then he clotheslines Bigelow to the floor for the double countout.

Rating: F+. This was about 80% armbar. Do they not get the idea of two big fat guys doing their thing? Why would you try to use submission stuff WHEN YOU’RE FREAKING FAT? This was very boring as are most super heavyweight encounters. I don’t get the appeal of them more often than not and this was no exception.

Tag Titles: Quebecers vs. Headshrinkers

I’ve always liked the Headshrinkers so this should be fun. Johnny Polo is the Canadians’ manager. Vince and Savage are doing commentary here and this appears to be from Raw. Lou Albano is their manager and we hear of his 19 title wins as a manager, including one as manager of the Yukon Lumberjacks. Now THERE is a name you never hear.

Fatu (Rikishi) and Pierre start us off. Vince says we’re in Burlington, Vermont which would put this match on April 25, 1994. The Headshrinkers take over and the heels are sent running. The Quebecers head to the back to try to avoid losing the titles and Albano follows them.

Hebner says the ten count or they lose the titles thing. I’ve never gotten that. What right does the referee have to change the rules at the drop of a hat like that? Ah there they are. Heel double teaming turns the tide as this is more or less a formula match. The USA chants start up despite neither being from America (American Samoa according to Savage but that’s a BIG stretch I’d think).

Hot tag to Samu, the far less famous of the Headshrinkers and the beatdown is on. The fans are into this. The wrestling may have been bad back then but the fans usually were hot. Samu gets tied up in the ropes by his neck which has to suck. Savage: “Don’t count your Samoans before they hatch.”

The Quebecers cannonball finisher misses. Afa and Albano beat up Polo (Raven) and the referee misses the hot tag to Fatu. Heel miscommunication results in a double Stroke and top rope splash for Jacques to give the Headshrinkers the title. We get an EXTREME CLOSEUP of Albano which was rather scary.

Rating: D+. Fairly boring match but rather fast paced. I like the Headshrinkers and this was their only reign with the titles so it’s kind of a cool moment here for me. Longer than a standard TV match but at this point they were the hottest team around so putting the titles on them made sense. Not a great match at all but not boring.

Earthquake vs. Adam Bomb

They had a random short match at Mania X so this probably is stemming from that one. Another Raw match I think here. I’ve never heard Quake announced as being from Canada, at least not since he was Canadian Earthquake. Yeah this is the rematch from Mania and it’s Vince/Gorilla here.

Bomb jumps him to start and it’s on. According to what I can find this was a Raw taping from March of 94. I would assume this was taped before Mania to air afterwards with alternate commentary. Quake gets tied up in the ropes as Whippleman and Fink get into it.

That was the feud that this spun off from. It’s one of the few angles that Fink was ever involved in but it was somewhat funny. It did involve him in his underwear on Raw though. Earthquake misses an elbow and Bomb hits a top rope clothesline for two. Belly to belly gets two for Quake. The ass drop ends it.

Rating: D. More energetic than the other big man match and FAR shorter. This wasn’t very good but they were trying. Earthquake got a pretty solid push around this time for no apparent reason. It worked for the most part though and he looked good in trying. Nothing special here but there was a point to it so at four minutes I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.

Bret Hart vs. Kwang

Oh dear. Bret is freshly champion here and we’re back to Lane and Gorilla here. Kwang is a martial arts character from the Orient but is more commonly known as Savio Vega in a mask. Gorilla makes fun of Bret’s long hair here which is odd for him. Fonzie is the referee here.

All Bret to start as Harvey yells instructions at Kwang and then at the referee about Bret trying to break his arm. Cross body gets two. Kwang kicks him in the head and does a bunch of stupid martial arts poses. Red mist to the face. Is that an Asian thing I guess? Long nerve hold follows.

Bret avoids a spin kick and breathes some life into the crowd which was greatly needed. For once the Five Moves of Doom end this completely clean. I don’t remember that in the slightest ever working but I guess that’s what jobbers are for.

Rating: D. Boring match again here with just a bunch of nothing happening. When Bret hit his formula stuff out there he wasn’t much at all. It’s not the worst match but damn it’s not much at all. Really short too at about 6 minutes which for Bret is nothing. Not worth seeing at all, much like the rest of this tape.

Video game tips. These were always odd to me for some reason.

Quebecers/Jeff Jarrett vs. Men on a Mission/Doink

Is this some sort of sick joke? We’re in Des Moines apparently and that’s about all I’ve got for you. Gorilla is listed at 6’6 or 6’7 which would grow to 6’10 when he was turned heel. We get the exact same jokes about Oscar from Gorilla as earlier on. Dink is with Doink here. Ok apparently we’re in Rochester. Make up your minds.

Gorilla asks about the language barrier for the heels even though it’s known that the Quebecers speak English too. Jacques and Doink start us off. Is there a sale on Quebecers matches here or something? Who thought Mo was a guy worth signing? I’ve never understood that.

This is definitely not a serious match in the slightest. Doink is your jobber in peril here. The Quebecers were usually fun to watch with their double teaming stuff. There are minutes going on here with nothing of note happening. This is AWFUL in case you couldn’t tell.

Doink tags Mabel and the referee didn’t see it. Jarrett clotheslines his own partner and we STILL don’t get the tag. Jacques hits him with a Piledriver but the foot is on the ropes. Cannonball misses again and there’s Mabel. Big old beatdown follows and the tag team hits their double splash on Jacques to end this finally.

Rating: F. Horrible match and boring as hell. Get us to ANYTHING else.

Bearer actually introduces something and is in a box at a theater or something. Ok then.

Randy Savage/Lex Luger vs. Yokozuna/Crush

Savage’s leg is hurt here. No entrance for the heels so what do you think is going to happen here? Luger is a bit more energetic here as we’re after the 94 Rumble here and perhaps Mania. Hard to say for sure though. Luger and Yoko start us off. Savage comes in as they work on the arm.

The faces change off without a tag and the referee just lets it happen. Sure why not. Savage goes up for the elbow so Fuji gives him the weakest flag shot ever. Savage just kind of looks at him before the slow stalking begins. Lane calls it a love tap. Yoko jumps him as this is just boring so far.

Crush locks on a body scissors with his legs. Yeah this is riveting stuff if you can’t tell. The crowd is DEAD here even though this would main event a Raw today. Crush misses a top rope knee drop and Lex gets the tag. Superkick by Crush so Savage hits Crush with the salt bucket to end it. Move on please?

Rating: F+. Another horrible show with nothing good going on here. Crowd was dead as hell too and it hurt badly. This was just boring as hell and no one cared. This tape is one of the worst I can remember in a long time. Thank goodness the next match is the last one on the tape.

The Undertaker vs. Crush

Well of course Taker is in the main event on a Bearer tape right? No intro for Crush again. Why all the hate on him here? Gorilla and Polo are on commentary here. Polo says he’s impotent by mistake then tries to say he said important. Staredown to start as nothing is going to save this tape at this point.

Polo suggests go after the urn because it gives him power. Wouldn’t it give him power no matter who had it though? Polo asks the difference between a crescent and thrust kick. Gorilla starts explaining and I think he realizes he has no clue so he says why am I bothering to explain?

Polo is such a twerp that it’s hilarious to hear him get under Gorilla’s skin. Gorilla: Where did he get his referee’s license from? A Cracker Jack box?” Polo: “YOU CAN GET THEM FROM A CRACKER JACK BOX?” He takes a shot at Joey Marella, who for those of you that don’t know is Gorilla’s son, as well as the inspiration for Santino’s last name.

In a HILARIOUS idea, Polo suggests covering Taker immediately because he always takes four seconds to sit up. You know he’s got an excellent point there. Crush does the military presses on Taker which is impressive. Taker keeps getting knocked down and Raven starts the count with Taker sitting up every time at about four. I love his commentary because it’s almost Mystery Science Theater or something. Crush goes for a tombstone but since he’s not Kane it’s reversed and there’s the pin.

Rating: D+. Not horrible here but the commentary was hilarious. Polo (Raven if I didn’t mention that already) was just great as he clearly didn’t care what happened to him if he got in trouble or whatever and it made for far more entertaining stuff. Gorilla having no clue how to answer his questions was great. The match was just ok.

Bearer wraps up the tape. Thank goodness.

Overall Rating: F. Oh this was bad. The year 1994 was not at all kind to WWF and this is a shining example. Even matches that sound good here aren’t at all and there is nothing redeeming here whatsoever. BIG pass on this one as it’s probably the least interesting tape I’ve ever seen from this company.