Opinions on this poem

[Melon Farmer]

So I had to write a poem for English class and I needed something to inspire me, since I actually wanted to write one instead of plagiarizing.

So as some of you know, my grandfather is very very sick and in the hospital. He isn't doing that well and whatever. So I decided to write a poem and dedicate it to him.

After writing it, I was astonished at what I wrote. I sent it out to my family, via email and got responses. I showed it to my mom, which is her father who is in the hospital, and she started crying. And my mom's sister, my aunt and my g-father's other daughter, also started crying when she read it. So I decided to post it on this forum because I want every ones honest opinion. If it is bad, don't say it rudely please because it is for my grandfather who has Alzheimer's and has lung/heart problems. So thanks.

Here is the poem:​

Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
The clock is ticking away.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
How can he live through this everyday?

Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
Every second, I lay awake, with a tear in my eye.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
I know one day, I’ll have to say goodbye.

Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
Whenever this day, shall come.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
His pain. His anguish.
My pain. My anguish.
Will all come to numb.

Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
He’ll lay there, so peacefully.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
Living such a great life, he’s going down so joyously.

Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
It will be a time of happiness.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
But I will sit there, like it is a time of sadness.

Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
He won’t give up without a fight.
Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
But I’m afraid he might.

Heartbeat. Heartbeat.
I love you.
Flat Line.
My Grandfather.

 

[Y 2 Jake]

Is it =called heartbeats?

But seriously don't highlight the word heartbeats because it highlights how few other words make up your poem.

 

[Melon Farmer]

I think they call it heart beats. I did that because I decided to have the 2nd to last line be impactful. My mom and aunt got it.

Yea you're right about the bolding thing, I editted it and took out the bolds. Thanks.

 

[Colamania]

That's some depressing shit. Thanks for ruining my day.

I'm joining the Coco hate club.

 

[Lil Wes]

Do Koala's have a heart?

 

[Colamania]

Do Koala's have a heart?

Your face. Your ass.

Same thing.

 

[Lil Wes]

Well then how come your always talking out of your ass?

Do we share the same problem?

 

[Colamania]

Well then how come your always talking out of your ass?

Do we share the same problem?

Damn, I was planning to use the "Your talking out of you ass" line on my next post.

I respect you for that one. Well done.

 

[Lil Wes]

Why thank you sir.

Now back to bashing that ignorant monkey Coco.

 

[Colamania]

Indeed. If there's one thing that can untie us, it's that moron.

 

[Luther_Hull]

Indeed. If there's one thing that can untie us, it's that moron.

I want to ban him.

 

[Lil Wes]

Me too.

 

[Conor *Charmismo*]

I really don't think this is a 'good' poem.

But i'm sure it was touching for your family to read about their love'd one passing away.

 

[Luther_Hull]

Me too.

Do it please.

 

[Colamania]

Do it please.

Seconded.

 

[Luther_Hull]

Seconded.

I'll start a petition.

 

[Melon Farmer]

I really don't think this is a 'good' poem.

But i'm sure it was touching for your family to read about their love'd one passing away.

He didn't die. He is still in the hospital.

 

[Bernkastel]

I can think of more depressing stuff than this