For the first time in far too long…..BREAKOUT IS ON THE AIR!!!
We go LIVE to Rod Laver Arena in Melbourne, Australia where over fifteen thousand people have gotten their hands on the hottest ticket in town: the one night only RETURN of OCW!
As Metallica’s Turn the Page ends, the silence is very short lived as the sounds of Firefly fill the arena. That can only mean one thing: IT’S THE BOSS! The man that started OCW, the man that thought that this was a good idea, the man that had some absolute classics in the middle of that very ring, the former two time OCW Champion KB is here! With a tear in his eye, the man himself takes the microphone, which I’m sure there will be plenty of to go around tonight.
“Sweet damn.”
Two words like that are able to get this crowd cheering for OCW. Three or four times KB tries to start speaking again but the crowd just can’t stop cheering.
“WE ONLY GOT THREE HOURS SO SHUT THE HELL UP!” KB can’t help but grin as the crowd chuckles to silence. “Good night you guys are rowdy. Made me think I was back in OCW or some crazy shit like that.”
And there they go again. KB walks up and down the stage almost unsure what to do to quiet the crowd. He then stops as if a light went off in his admittedly dim head.
“I WAS FROZEN TODAY!”
You can’t just hear a line like that and not stop, complete with the needle scratching over the record sound. KB counted on it and he was right.
“Now before you fuckers go all crazy on me again, let me get this out. Tonight is the greatest night of my life that didn’t involve Kat, Becca, Kate, Kara, Jackie or one of about 14 other women that shall remain nameless. One more time tonight we let loose these crazy bastards for one more night of fun. We might not be wild and young. We’re not going to burn this place to the ground. We don’t have a damn line to cross. We aren’t going to let it roll since I don’t see any damn dice around here. What we are going to do though is let these guys try their best to entertain you one more time. Every single one of us are going to be out here trying to get you people to scream your heads off for us….and hopefully buy our merchandise because everyone at my water company has a KB shirt now and I really don’t want to have to get a real job to pay my bills. And that brings me to you Norcal, you sick son of a bitch. You know what you did. You know what we have to do. This has been a long time coming and tonight it’s not just a match. It’s not just a fight. It is LAST MAN STANDING.”
The crowd pops again as Firefly hits one more time. KB isn’t ready to go just yet though as he pokes his head out of the curtain again.
“Oh and it’s an Ironman Last Man Standing match now. You knew we’d go out with a bang. Yo Jimmy hit me with that KB.” Firefly comes back on again and KB makes his exit for the second time in the ten minutes this show has been on.
In the back we see one of the RBIs outside of the Impact Players’ locker room trying to get in. No reason why other than to see her hit the door and seeing her bounce.
So what we have here are a former Taz Champion, a guy that loves to fight, and a guy that thinks he’s a superhero. You expected something else? These three guys said they wanted to go out there and have a great match, so here’s their chance. The bell rings and INSTANTLY they go at it. Boltie nails Dave in the face, acting more like a villain than a hero. Thriller dances around like an idiot of course because that’s just what he does Jackson and Boltie are on the mat moving back and forth at insane speeds with neither being able to get an advantage over the other. Thriller continues to dance. Jackson and Boltie see him just kind of standing there and realize what they should do. They both look over at him and go after him, but they realize they can’t move. Both of them start to twitch a bit and the music plays, giving us one of the only times in history where three men danced to Thriller in a wrestling ring. As Vincent Price “raps”, we get another return of an OCW Original as the Smooth Criminal is here, blasting everyone not named Thriller in the back of the head to give his former tag partner the advantage. The dance partner leaves and Thriller turns into the wrestler that was rapidly moving up the card at the end of OCW.
He goes back and forth between the downed Boltie and Jackson, kicking away at both of them and dropping elbows on the pair to keep both of them at bay. After about three of these per person, he goes for a cover on Jackson but the Chicago man nips up and grabs the Triangle Choke! Thriller is in trouble to a total rookie as he’s on the verge of having to tap out 5 minutes into a match! Boltie makes the save though with a clothesline to the back of Dave’s head. We’re more or less back to even now with everyone down for the most part. Jackson is up first and goes straight for Thriller who gets out of the way of a huge jumping knee to the head. Boltie catches Jackson with a picture perfect dropkick to the face and then nails Thriller with an uppercut to the jaw to send him backwards. Jackson is back up and hits a Backstabber on the superhero to get us down to just him and Thriller. Thriller pounds away on him with clubbing, yes clubbing I say blows to the back. He goes for a Thrillseeker but Jackson rolls him up into a small package for a long two count. He drives Thriller into the corner with shoulder blocks and Thriller is in trouble. Jackson lays into him with chops and right hands before whipping him into the corner. He charges after him and is speared down by Boltie who is back in it as well. Thriller and Boltie work a double team for a bit as Jackson seems to be the most energetic person in this match. They send him into the ropes and land a double punch to his ribs and then a belly to back suplay from Thriller puts him down long enough for them to pick him right back up again. Jackson is sent into the corner and rammed into the buckle with authority (whose authority is that anyway? It’s certainly not mine and I run this place) before he grabs Boltie by the throat and whips him into the corner, raining down right hands onto his jaw. He backs up and goes for a running splash and eats nothing but turnbuckle though as Boltie got out of the way and popped up to the middle rope.
Boltie hits a high knee from the second rope to the back of Jackson to send him forward into the waiting arms of Thriller, who lifts him into the air and pulls him down with the Thrillseeker! Boltie breaks up the pin and it’s back to another one on one standoff. Boltie hits some forearms to knock Thriller into the ropes and then whips him in. A back drop is missed as Thriller goes for another Thrillseeker. Boltie spins out of it though and gets a school boy for two. Thriller misses a clothesline and a dropkick sends him into the corner. Boltie hits a running splash onto the former Taz Champion and climbs to the second turnbuckle on the inside. A Hart Attack style clothesline puts Thriller down for two as the fans are applauding these guys. Thriller tries to shake it off as Boltie hits a spinning neckbreaker for another two. A high jumping legdrop connects and Boltie is in control. He picks up Thriller and sends him in again, this time taking him down with a picture perfect jumping back elbow to the jaw. He points to the top rope, signaling he’s ready for his missile dropkick. Thriller staggers to his feet and here it comes! The OCW original ducks underneath it though and Boltie crashes to the mat hard enough that he is covered for two. Thriller goes to pick up Boltie but is rolled up in a small package for two. Boltie goes to pick up Thriller but is kicked in the chest in a weird from the mat dropkick and launched into the corner.
Boltie is knocked into the referee and down both of them go down. The timing is perfect for some and horrible for others as Thriller is caught in the Triangle! He fights as hard as he can but there’s nowhere to go! Thriller taps out like a drunk man (seriously what does that even mean?) but there’s no referee! He taps even more but they rapidly slow down as the energy is just sucked away from his body. With the referee almost to his feet, Boltie shows a flash of brilliance and waits until the very last second to break up the hold. Thriller is more or less unconscious at this point, having been in the hold for nearly a minute. The referee turns around just as the superhero breaks the hold up, getting us down to more or less a one on one matchup. Boltie drops a knee on Jackson and we hit the chinlock for all of three seconds. Jackson rams his back into the corner to break the hold and rams a back elbow into the face of Boltie. He leans over and fires off eight or nine shoulders into the ribs of the hero who is rapidly getting into more and more trouble. Taking a few steps back, Jackson charges in with a clothesline. Since it worked once he goes for it again, but this time he eats the boot of Boltie (and no I will not call it the Boltie Boot. Damn it I just did didn’t I?) which sends him back a few steps. The superhero is going to fly as he sets for a Blockbuster. Jackson goes for the Kurt Angle run up the ropes and hit a belly to belly counter but gets blocked on the top rope by a shot to the ribs. He stands on the middle rope with Boltie up on the top. Thriller is starting to get some life back in him again as the effects of the chokeout are wearing off. Boltie and Jackson continue to hammer each other in the corner as Jackson begins to get the better of it. After a headbutt he steps up a bit and hooks his legs around the top and middle ropes. With another shot to the head he latches his arms around the head and shoulders of Boltie and flips him over in a capture suplex, sending the superhero crashing to the mat!
Thriller is hunched over with Jackson on the top rope and Boltie down on the other side of the ring. Thriller gets to his feet as Jackson dives off the top with a hurricanrana, but Thriller catches him in a powerbomb. Jackson goes for the Triangle but gets slammed into the mat. Dave kicks him off at two, sending him backwards into the arm of Boltie who rolls Thriller up in a school boy for the one, two and three! Jackson tried to dive in for the save but just didn’t get there in time. All three men get to their feet and look at each other. Hugs and handpounds all around with nothing but mutual respect between these three now.
So what we have here are three small guys and a seven foot legend. The idea is simple: Lee and Phoenix have no chance at beating the giant and they know it. So therefore the solution is to have IC start the match. He’s an Impact Player. Do you really think he’s not intelligent enough to figure this out on his own? Lee and Phoenix try to argue that IC starting isn’t fair for some reason but that gets them nowhere. After getting bored waiting, the big man grabs Phoenix by the back of the neck and throws him into a neutral corner. IC offers Phoenix a free shot and gets a clubbing forearm to his chest which STAGGERS IC! Another one and IC is knocked backwards a bit more! Phoenix, the pure rookie, the small man, is knocking the former world champion backwards this is amazing! This is incredible! This is total bullshit since IC took a third and didn’t move at all. He just looked down at Phoenix and smiled, saying “My turn.” A huge backhand chop puts Phoenix down. He holds onto his chest as the Impact Player lifts him off the mat by grabbing his chest and pulling him up. Not by his shirt mind you, but by his bare skin. We go to the corner now where IC just lays into him with elbows, knees and chops. Phoenix can be heard reciting nursery rhymes that aren’t exactly the traditional versions. “Mary hat a little roast beef and it laid down on her couch and the mama bear said you’re handsome!” Yes British people randomly break into Mother Goose during their matches. Ok so this is more like an execution but whatever.
IC sets for the Super Powerbomb but Lee comes in for the save. I’m not sure what he’s saving as a big chop right between the eyes puts him down. IC goes for the bomb again but Lee grabs his ankle and then the back of IC’s long shirt/jacket. D-Man FINALLY runs in and hits a baseball slide to the face of Lee, shouting at him that HE is the only one allowed to hang onto IC’s coattails like that. D-Man takes Lee to the outside as Phoenix has remembered what planet he’s on and is doing what he can to get out of IC’s path. This works for about 9 seconds though as D-Man hits Liquid Courage on the floor. This connects at the same timer as the CarBomb hits in the ring. IC apparently hasn’t had enough yet, muttering something about Ireland > England as he picks up the limp body of Phoenix for ANOTHER CarBomb. Instead of the regular one though, he backs into the corner and hits a RUNNING CARBOMB INTO THE TURNBUCKLE! Phoenix’s head snaps forward like a metaphor of something that snaps forward. D-Man has Lee locked in Karaoke Lock on the floor and isn’t even paying attention. IC signals ONE MORE TIME and sets Phoenix up for another CarBomb right in front of the ropes. With another running start, he runs across the ring and THROWS PHOENIX OVER THE TOP ROPE! The Englishman bounces across the concrete with sickening thud after sickening thud. Is there a point to this anymore? I don’t think so either. IC goes out and gets what used to be Phoenix, throws him into the ring and gets the easy pin. D-Man finally lets go of the hold and Lee’s balls are completely destroyed after being in the Karaoke Lock for that long and he can barely walk. Phoenix hasn’t moved an inch.
We’re in the dressing rooms of Tiger and IDR, both preparing for their battle to become King of TNA. No one really knows what this is going to be, but I’m sure it’s going to be….interesting.
King of TNA: Tiger vs. IDR
After the music plays, we have no wrestlers. Instead we get our announcer, Doc AWESOME.
“OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! Sorry kind of marking the fuck out here. Ok so what we’re going to do here is to have a competition. Rather than a regular match, this is a best of three competition. WHAT AN AWESOME IDEA!!! I mean seriously, do you get how SWEET THIS REALLY IS??? So anyway, the first event is in this envelope. HOW DID THEY GET AN EVENT IN AN ENVELOPE???? THAT’S CRAZY MAN! Oh so it’s on a card in here? Cool. So it’s going to be….a drawing contest! The first person to fine a pencil and a piece of paper and draws their favorite TNA wrestler wins the first round! Ready, set, GO!”
We cut to the back where the two are frantically going through their bags looking for something to write with. Tiger finds some lipstick in one of the RBI chicks’ bag and draws…..nothing. “It’s an ABYSS!” This is good enough for the win, since the rules clearly stated it has to be a pencil! Wait….does that make sense? What’s that music I hear?
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IT’S THE NASTY BOYS, here for no apparent reason other than to ask where the nearest taco stand is! And now we move on from their obligatory cameo in anything related to wrestling that no one cares about.
“The score is now 1-0 in favor of Tiger. We begin round number two: THE WAFFLE STOMP! The first person to find a waffle and stomp on it gets the win.”
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We cut to the kitchen where Tiger and IDR are fighting to get to the freezer where a box of Eggos may indeed be hidden. WAIT! It’s time for an OBLIGATORY CAMEO AGAIN!
It’s Michelle Yi! She came in 9th on Survivor Fiji!! Anyone? Anyone? DUDE SHE WAS ON TV! SHE’S A CELEBRITY! LOVE HER! YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!
As the sounds of crickets lull Tiger to sleep, IDR slips into the freezer and stomps on a blueberry waffle to tie things up!
“Event number three is the tiebreaker: Boulder Dashing! There are two boulders in the back and the first person to get on top of it and roll it to the ring where they have to perform a Norwegian folk dance and then bring democracy to Cuba to become KING OF TNA! WHAT A FUCKING AWESOME SHOW! WHAT AN AWESOME COMPANY!” And with that, Doc AWESOME dies, as a massive pen comes down from the sky and runs all over him, covering him in marks. Yes, he was marked out to death.
We go to the back again where both men have mounted the boulders and are running as fast as they can. With no explanation at all, IDR starts doing backflips, making the boulder go MUCH faster. What? Everyone know flips are what makes things work in wrestling. IDR REACHES THE RING FIRST! And now it’s DANCE FEVER BABY! WAIT! CAMEO NUMBER THREE!
It’s DISCO INFERNO!!! He’s here to show us how to REALLY dance. A red shoe to the head of IDR puts him out! Tiger is here and is dancing away! We cut to Cuba where Castro is watching on PPV. Moved by the interpretive dancing of Tiger, he declares the Revolution over! DEMOCRACY HAS COME TO CUBA! Wait…what’s that? The boulder is breaking apart. A person is coming out of the boulder! No way….it couldn’t be….he’s supposed to be dead….HOLY SHIT! It’s him! It’s…..it’s…..IT’S SPUNKY!!!!!!!
Clad in a Captain Planet T-shirt, the crowd is losing their minds over Spunky. He stares down the two people actually in the match and fires his nipple lasers at them disintegrating them! Spunk climbs into the ring and TAKES THE KING OF TNA poster! But wait…I thought you had to win 2/3 contests to become king. Well there’s a simple answer to that: it was a DECEPTION! What does being King of TNA mean? Uh….we’ll explain in a few weeks. We promise. No really, I mean it this time. We’re REALLY going to tell you. EGGPLANT! And now we hear music.
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The fans instantly rise to their feet as the original OCW Superstars, the IMPACT PLAYERS are here! Coming through the crowd, they enter the ring one per side. Polley, IC, Sparky and Rusty hit the ring and surround Spunky. With the music playing, Spunky is beaten to a bloody pulp by the Players, taking finisher after finisher, including the Irish Canadian Car Bomb. Rusty grabs the mic and looks down at Spunky’s body. The Car Bombs throw him to the floor with Rusty shouting “Now THAT is what you call an IMPACT!” The Players start to leave, but Rusty smiles to the crowd as they start almost begging him to say it. With a smirk on his face, he brings the mic back to his lips and says “one last time. If this beating isn’t enough proof for you and if this crowd isn’t enough proof for you, I guess I’ll have to fucking say it: POWER TO THE PLAYERS!!!” Superstar plays them out as the announcer gets the microphone thrown back to him.
“Ladies and Gentlemen our next contest is a special Announcers vs. Wrestlers challenge match, scheduled for one fall!”
The Redcoats vs. Sam/Luther
RULE BRITANIA begins as The Redcoats, Jake and Jonny make their way to the ring! Hailing from Great Britain as official representatives of her majesty, their job is to beat up as many former British prisoners as possible to reclaim them for the crown. She have given them both special permission to use as well as special training on how to use a maneuver that leaves opponents Immobile, Pained, Bludgeoned, and Non-Talkative, or I.P.B.A.N.T. for short. And where the hell are they? For no apparent reason at all they didn’t answer their cue. Hang on a minute.
Until we find them, enjoy the Feeney Call.
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We go to the back and see Jake, Jonny (of course drunk), Sam and Luther sitting around a table. When asked why they aren’t heading to the ring for their match, they all say they really just don’t care and that we can go……can anyone here speak British? He either told me to go fuck myself or he hopes I have a spicy pasta.
Ok….so now we’re 12 minutes over schedule. Uh……let me see. Oh I know.
THE SECOND RING IS LOWERED!!! It is now time for the Second Annual Gravy Boat of Fighting! The rules here are simple. Ok not really but that’s the ling you always hear. There are two rings, one of which is on the ground as usual and the other of which is hanging above the ground ring on very strong cables. A ladder reaches up to the second ring from the ground. We have an 8 man Royal Rumble style match which is over the top rope for an elimination. The eliminated go up the ladder to the other ring where it is once again over the top rope and to the floor, this time being a final elimination. The final man in each ring will then go at it in the bottom ring where the person to touch the ground with BOTH FEET loses. Let’s get to it.
Gravy Boat of Fighting
Out to the ring first are the randomly selected Noah Constrictor and James Cardinal! Noah is a jobber so no one really cares. He was voted in for no apparent reason but we needed to fill in a roster….CARDINAL IS OUT! Cardinal stepped into the ring and Noah caught him right between the eyes with a standing dropkick and Cardinal was staggered so much that Noah, the far less experienced of the two men, was able to get a single leg underhook and throw him out! Cardinal cannot believe it and he tries to lunge into the ring to get his hands on Noah but the rookie is too quick for him. Since there would be a minute of standing around we skip the waiting period and here is #3: Riaku! Sliding under the ropes as Cardinal makes the climb, Riaku actually takes him time as Noah offers him a handshake with his left hand. What the hell? The only other person I’ve ever seen do that was Lanny Poffo. Riaku throws a big kick at the head of Noah which is ducked. Noah comes back with generic offense as Cardinal is clearly pissed off about the happenings as he watches on the big screen. We have something close to an MMA fight going on in the ring as it’s wrestling vs. martial arts with the wrestler not doing that well. Apparently this is his second professional match. Oh dear. What did he do to get thrown into this? It’s not like it really matters as a kick lands right on the button and down goes Noah. Riaku throws him over the top but he is caught by entrant number 4: Nick Boe.
Just raw size and power here as he catches the jobber with ease and throws him over the top rope and back into the ring. Cardinal is livid as he wanted another shot at Noah but is denied. Riaku and Noah look at each other and then at the monster that stands before them and shake their heads. The very unlikely pairing spreads apart to attempt to attack from both sides. Riaku attempts a leg sweep which completely fails. Nick just raises his fist for Noah to run into which takes him down as well. The Asian Stereotype looks at Boe and isn’t sure what to do. A stiff kick to the ribs has no visible effect. Neither does a chop to the throat. The next shot is blocked as the fifth man enters: JD Michaels. He comes out to complete silence and jumps on the back of Boe. Good-bye Mr. Michaels as we have our second man out of ring 1. Riaku and Noah try to throw him out but that’s just not happening. JD is halfway up the ladder as Cardinal is almost licking his lips in anticipation. Back in the first ring, Riaku has given up trying to throw Boe over the ropes and is instead going after his knees. Noah, somehow still alive in this thing, grabs Riaku from behind and hits a German suplay on him to take him down again. Up top, Cardinal tried to jump Michaels as he came in and a fight has broken out with one on the apron and one in the ring, much to the delight of the crowd which hasn’t been that into the match yet. Noah has Riaku halfway over the top as Boe just stands back and lets them fight. Cardinal has his face rammed into the turnbuckle as Michaels goes UP TOP on a ring that is hanging from the ceiling. A missile dropkick puts Cardinal down as the top ring shakes violently.
The sixth man is Mr. Harvey Cromwell Esquire. Oh if you ever want a definition of in over his head, this is it right here. He apparently thinks this is the climax of his play and his character’s fate will be determined here. Cromwell grabs the foot of Boe and actually gets him off his feet! Up top Cardinal is being whipped into the corner and takes a spinebuster out of it as the wobbling is getting worse. Boe is all of a sudden facing a 3-1 attack and is actually in real trouble. A back elbow sends Riaku flying across the ring but Noah goes low on the monster to get him down to his knees again. Cardinal is in a Boston Crab as the fans aren’t sure which one to watch. Cromwell is having a fit that only a temperamental actor would have as he pounds away at Boe. Riaku hits him in the face with a knee life but STILL the big man stays on at least one foot. The penultimate man is here and it’s the other big man, Jose Santana! Oh this could be good. Boe sees him coming down the aisle and gets PISSED OFF. Riaku takes a bit right hand. Noah gets a spike spinebuster and Cromwell is backdropped to the floor! And there it is: given the distractions that he’s facing, Santana is able to hit the Flying Ass Smash on Boe and with the help of Riaku and Noah, there he goes over the top. Cromwell makes his way into the second ring and immediately helps going after Michaels. Even in his delusional state he realizes no one likes JD. Riaku and Noah team up one more time to go after the other big man. A double clothesline sends Santana stumbling a bit. Another and the big man is rocked. On the third one he’s almost out, but as the pair goes to lift him the buzzer goes off, revealing the 8th man: The Last Emperor.
We haven’t heard anything official about this guy and have no idea of who he is. All we have to go on here is a name which isn’t much at all. Wait where is he? There’s no one here. With the people looking around for him, Boe grabs Riaku and Noah by their throats and tosses them over the top to the floor before climbing back in. The referee at ringside declares that Boe’s feet never touched the floor, meaning that he was still alive in the first ring. We get the big men squaring off that we all wanted to see. Ok so more like 4 people but whatever. Santana goes for another flying ass shot but Boe casually steps to the side and allows Santana to land on the ropes. A simple shove allows Boe to be the last man standing in the ring. And there go the lights again. Ok this is getting ridiculous. Pay the damn electric bill KB. We come back to see a man in black standing behind Boe. He turns around and the fight is on as all six other men are hanging above the ring. Everyone looks around at each other. Then they look at Michaels. Yep there he goes, as all five others pick him up and throw him over the top rope and down to the concrete below. Damn I hope his insurance is paid up. Well it took the whole match but we have an elimination. Back in the first ring the showdown continues as Boe has his hands full with this Last Emperor guy. He’s very bald and very muscular. That’s all we’ve got for you on him. Up top again that ring is getting very shaky. Cromwell and Santana are going at it as Santana whips him into the ropes. He lifts Cromwell up into a back body drop, but the “actor” lands on the shoulders of Noah. Noah goes for the ropes with him but Cromwell holds on and takes Noah over the top with a hurricanrana, sending him ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR! Cromwell is hanging on by an arm which doesn’t last long as Riaku kicks him right on the forearm to send him flying to the ring below. Cromwell somehow manages to grab hold of the ladder and is hanging on with everything that he has. Santana climbs out of the top ring like an idiot….or maybe a genius actually and goes towards the ladder. Cromwell is back up onto it and the fight is on between the two guys on the ladder. Santana, being a bit large, breaks the fifth rung and falls through, crotching himself on the way down.
And that did it. The ring that was wobbling badly before tilts to the side due to the extra weight being placed on it and the other guys still in there (Riaku, Cardinal and Noah) are flung to the side of the ring. Noah is in trouble here as he can barely hang on at all. Santana and Cromwell are punching it out on the ladder as whoever goes to the ground is either eliminated or dead so they both have something to fight for. Back in the first ring a stiff kick by the Emperor and Boe is sent over the top to the floor. He crashes into the base of the ladder, knocking both Cromwell and Santana to the floor and out of the match (and likely into a hospital given how far they fell). The only good thing about this is that it resets the top ring so we’re back to normal with five people left. Riaku is back to his feet first and kicks Noah square in the jaw, sending him out to the apron. Cardinal gets a running start, hell bent on being the guy that takes out Noah. Noah, having basic intelligence, sees someone charging at him and steps to the side, causing Cardinal to go flying over the top rope and down to the floor, crashing into the Latvian announce table with a sickening thud. Noah is proud for a moment but turns around into another kick to the face from Riaku to send him down on top of Cardinal. Riaku turns around and runs into Nick Boe. A big old overhand chop puts Riaku on his back as Boe goes to the top rope in a likely stupid spot. A HUGE legdrop lands on Riaku’s chest and neck but thankfully the ring holds. And for no adequately explored reason, the Last Emperor is now climbing up the ladder as well. I guess he got tired of waiting or something. Boe and the Emperor have a staredown again and there they go! The two huge men are hammering away at each other over fifteen feet in the air with nothing separating them from the ground other than air. And a ring. And a ladder. Uh some concrete and a building. Oh you get the idea. They try to put each other out on the ropes to no avail.
Boe has one of his legs up but can’t get the other one over. Like an idiot he steps up onto the bottom rope to get more leverage, and I think you know what’s coming. Riaku gets a running start and hits a springboard spinkick to the back of Boe, sending both he AND the Emperor to the floor! RIAKU HAS WON THE GRAVY BOAT OF FIGHTING!
We go to a highlight package of various OCW shenanigans over the years, namely Spunky being a fucking moron. This is what you call a filler to allow the fans to catch their breath a bit.
Han Stensen vs. Tyrone Wellington
After Sunrise and Best of You have gotten us here, there’s nothing left but two guys in the ring that aren’t exactly huge. And the referee. And a ring. Uh…an announcer. Sam and Luther….a bell….the fans….oh screw it let’s just have the damn match. Stensen has that right arm all cocked and loaded and is immediately looking for the big knockout shot. Wellington on the other hand seems more interested in the big G on his tights and keeping it clean. After about a minute of nothing, they lock up. Stensen, the far larger of the two shoves Wellington back and shows off his not incredibly impressive arms. Wellington is clearly a bit shaken by it and we do it again, this time with more cautiousness from Tyrone. Going with the old ideas that have worked best in the past, Wellington grabs a wristlock. It doesn’t last long though as the right cannon called an arm of Stensen comes gunning for his head. Wellington, the supreme athlete that he is, ducks underneath and goes for a German suplay. Have you ever tried to hit a German suplay on a German? It doesn’t work. With a crisp snapmare takeover, Stensen puts Wellington on the crowd and hits the ropes, coming off with a Tajiri-esque seated dropkick to the face. Tyrone is down and clearly shaken up as Stensen drives knee after knee into his ribs and back. The final knee stays in his back as Han grabs the leg and head of Wellington, bending him over his knees into a surfboard style submission hold. The shouts of no fill the arena as the powerful German pulls on Tyrone’s limbs in vain hopes of a submission. With three big slaps of his arm, Stensen pulls it back and prepares to just uncoil it around the neck of Wellington.
There’s the swing but Wellington manages to duck out of the way. With his back still bothering him a bit, Ty jumps into the air and goes for the Fourth Degree but instead is caught in midair and slammed down to the mat in a huge spinebuster. It only gets two though as Tyrone still has a lot of fight left in him. The German taunts Ty as this has been more or less one sided so far. A big kick to the ribs and Ty is in real trouble. He’s pulled back to his feet and sent into the ropes. Han lifts him up for a sidewalk slam but Wellington spins out of it and pops him in the jaw with a big right hand. A second has the same effect: none at all. Han lunges for Ty but Wellington is too quick for him. It’s turned into hit and run for Wellington as he’s making Stensen mad. More chasing ensues as Wellington backs into the corner. One more lunge from the German but Ty dropkicks his knee and sends him face first into the turnbuckle! In a great show of strength, Han is lifted up and clotheslined over the top rope in a hot shot. Wellington starts to turn up the pace here as he whips Stensen in and catches him with a punch to the ribs and a spinning neckbreaker for two. Stensen is a bit shaken but seems more annoyed than anything else. Wellington drops elbow after elbow on the back of Stensen to try to keep him down but it doesn’t seem to be working. With Stensen getting to his feet, Ty uses the Zeus method and rakes his eyes, bringing the big man back to earth a bit. With the pain in his back somewhat gone, Wellington gets a running start and hits a Jericho springboard dropkick to send Stensen sprawling to the apron. A running forearm to the jaw and Han is rocked. Another one and he’s reeling even more! Having a brain though, Stensen ducks out of the way of the third one, looking for a shoulder to the ribs. Tyrone however is smart as well and slides between Han’s legs and hits the floor. With a double leg trip, Stensen’s face hits the apron and he’s in trouble! Back in the ring, Wellington gets a running start and goes for a baseball slide. I say goes for as he gets caught in mid-slide by Han and in one motion is swung out of the ring, lifted into the air and has his back slammed into the steel railing! His nearly limp body is thrown into the ring and Stensen waits. Tyrone is back up and here comes the lariat! WELLINGTON DUCKS AGAIN!
And that more or less is the end of his good luck here as Stensen is able to stop his momentum perfectly and BLASTS Wellington in the back of his head with a HUGE lariat! The limp body of Wellington is covered, but at the count of two it’s realized that his leg is under the bottom rope. With a mutter of Hoff-Damn it, Han picks Ty back up and punches him in the jaw, knocking him to the floor. The thick accent of Stensen can even be heard on his laugh as he mocks the fallen American star. A huge boot lands right on the small of the back of Ty as he is in real trouble. With one hand Stensen pulls Ty to his feet. With a point to the post, the former college superstar gets in an elbow to the ribs. Then another. A third and for the first time here Han is having some trouble. As he’s hunched over, Ty hits a Side Russian Legsweep on the floor to take Stensen down. Finally given a chance to catch his breath, Wellington tries to stand but grabs his back in pain. A double axe handle to the back of the monster German sends him back to his knees but not for long. Ty slides into the ring to break the count and then connects with a big knee lift, knocking Stensen backwards again. Ty slams Han’s head into the railing and gets little out of it. A second time and he’s hurt him a little bit more. A big double axe the back and down goes the German tree, face first into the railing. Ty climbs to the apron at the other end of the ring from Stensen, slides into the ring to break the count again and waits. As Han gets up, Wellington gets a running start and dives through the ropes, crashing onto the big man and putting him down again! The referee’s count hits eight as both men are crawling back into the ring. Wellington is in a bit better shape at this point and is on his feet first. Using the limited strength he has left in his back he picks up Han and hits a belly to back suplay that gets a LONG two. Wellington sees the big man in trouble and climbs to the second rope. He comes off with a cross body and down goes the big man!
And there he keeps going as Han rolls through and never lets go of Tyrone. With pure power he lifts Wellington onto his shoulder and DRILLS him with a huge powerslam, BUT IT ONLY GETS TWO! With few other ideas, Stensen picks up Wellington and sits him on the top rope. A big right hand keeps him in place as Stensen climbs to the top with him. Wellington is hunched over and set for a powerbomb off the top! Wellington is lifted up into the air but with Stensen standing on the top rope he begins to lose his balance. With his one chance, Tyrone shifts his weight and manages to land on the second rope. With his one chance he grabs for the head of Han and hits the Fourth Degree from the top! Stensen is OUT in the middle of the ring but the impact on the back of Wellington has nearly put him into unconsciousness of his own! The referee begins his count as Tyrone is cheered on, but his back has nearly been destroyed from the multiple crash landings on it today. He manages to crawl over to the somewhat alive Han and drape an arm over him, but the time has managed to heal the German as he raises his arm off the mat just in time! The crowd cannot believe that he managed to kick out of that and neither can Ty. He crawls over to the corner and tries to climb up the ropes as Han gets to his feet slowly. Ty is up top and manages to dive off the top with a double axe handle, but Stensen catches him in a bear hug. Using pure muscle he lifts Wellington into the air and hits a perfect belly to belly suplay. He doesn’t let go though and squeezes with everything he has on the back of Ty as they are both on the mat. The referee comes in to check on Wellington but after a few seconds it’s clear that he’s out and the referee has to call for the bell.
Jane hits Disarray with a Diamond Cutter onto a stack of Twinkie but Coco attaches a pair of cherry pies to his feet and hits a big dropkick to the face of Jane, putting him down and making him wear a crimson mask. Truly, he is the king of the Norway.
We go to a recap of KB vs. Norcal. In the years that OCW was open, this is the one fight that everyone BEGGED to see but it never happened. Rumored to be the main event of every “next” show, we never got to see these two warriors get in the ring and fight it out. But tonight, in front of over 15,000 people, it’s finally going to happen. The bad blood between these two has been building for months if not years. These two men had been partners, allies and even friends in their wars with the Impact Players. It had become KB and Norcal vs. the world no one being able to stand up to them. Following a loss to the Impact Players at Gates of Hell in a handicap match where KB got caught in a Ratings Spike for the pin, Norcal had had enough. Jumping a fallen KB from behind, Norcal pummeled the man that he had called his friend with everything he had while screaming that he was the team and the one that did everything straight into KB’s unconscious face. Over the course of the next few weeks we began to see a new side to the American Hero, as he came after everyone in OCW with a renewed heart and determination. All the while KB laid in a hospital bed, healing from the beating he had suffered at the hands of the monster that had been unleashed.
For the next few weeks, Norcal made his presence known even more, attacking people in matches that he had absolutely nothing to do with and then daring the people involved to fight him. Whether they accepted or declined, they usually wound up taking a beating the likes of which few could recover from. Still healing in the hospital, KB refused comment, making it clear that he would not be coming after Norcal anytime soon, citing professionalism as Norcal’s boss.
And then, it happened.
A month ago in Sydney, Norcal made another run to the ring, this time during a session with some rookies that were just trying to get a chance in the ring. With seemingly no remorse at all, he crushed the face of a rookie named Jackie in a single shot before hitting her with the Sky High and squeezing her into unconsciousness with a massive bearhug. Looking into the camera he almost begged KB to come get him, talking about how KB knew what just happened and how it would happen again until KB got here. Only later did we find out that Jackie was the best friend of KB and he looked at her “like a sister.” It didn’t take long though as the boss was back the next week.
As Norcal arrived at the arena, KB jumped him from behind, shattering a baseball bat over the massive back of the big man. With the most jagged piece he could find, KB went for Norcal’s throat, slashing at it and cutting it completely open before taking the piece of wood and placing it above the eye of the former champion and preparing to shove it down when CM, Sparky and various other guys pulled KB off and got Norcal to the hospital. It turned out that the big man was only hours from death and emergency surgery was required to save his life. While he was recovering, the match was made. Sunday, June 27, 2010 in Rod Laver Arena at Breakout, it would finally happen. Tonight, KB vs. Norcal, for the first and last time. It is on.
“The following contest is the MAIN EVENT for the OCW WORLD Heavyweight Championship! And this contest will be the first ever LAST IRON MAN STANDING MATCH! Also, we’ve been doing some thinking about this. For a 30 minute match, it’s kind of a ripoff to have a guy stay down for 9 seconds at a time 10 times in a match. You didn’t pay to see Norcal or KB on their backs did you?”
“I DID!”
“Yes Becca we know that. However, we here at OCW feel that in a last man STANDING match, it shouldn’t be about a count of ten. If you go down then you go down. We will now pause for Becca to come back to this world after the going down line. This may take a minute.”
*5 minutes later*
“Someone get her out of here please. Thank you. Anyway, in this contest, if you hit the ground and are in the position to be pinned, t¬he referee will slap the ground as if in a pin. Every slap is ONE FALL! Most falls in THIRTY MINUTES wins! And they’re going at it in the back! RING THE BELL!”
OCW World Heavyweight Championship: KB vs. Mighty Norcal
We cut to the back where a 30 minute clock is on the screen and THE FIGHT IS ON! KB and Norcal are standing toe to toe throwing big bombs at each other. The OCW Boss is going to have to be at his best to win a fistfight here. KB misses a big swinging right and Norcal pounds away at the ribs. He shoves KB into the wall and throws rights and lefts at the ribs of the man who signs his paychecks. Taking a short break allows KB to hunch over and also lets Norcal drill him with a big kneelift at 28:46 to go. KB is down on the ground but on one knee so the referee can’t count. Norcal hits a seated dropkick to the face of KB, knocking him to the floor. His shoulder is up just in time as Norcal picks him back up, apparently not done with him by a long shot. We head around the back of the arena with Norcal slamming KB into the walls here and there as he’s in complete control of this. At 27:30 to go we find a Sprite machine. Norcal goes to slam his head into it but KB with the block! He whips Norcal into the machine which comes flying open. Reaching into the machine, KB grabs a Coke and smashes Norcal in the head with it, sending him staggering backwards. KB opens the can and pours the drink into his mouth which he spits in the eyes of the monster in front of him. In an impressive display of strength, KB rips the can open, creating a sharp edge. AND INTO THE HEAD OF NORCAL IT GOES! Norcal is cut and it’s a BAD one too. KB follows up with a stiff thrust kick right to the chin and now it’s the blind monster on the defensive! Down to one knee, KB goes for the injured throat with a stiff uppercut and takes Norcal down to his knees. At 26:10 left, KB is looking for whatever he can find to injure Norcal in anyway possible. He gets his hands on a steel chair but he turns around and gets hit by a HUGE shoulder block from Norcal which somehow isn’t enough for a count. Dragging KB by the hair, Norcal is heading for somewhere as the fight continues. The blood is just dropping from the cut on Norcal’s head as we head OUTSIDE. KB takes a head first shot into the building as it’s ALL Norcal. The fans outside cheer this unexpected surprise. Norcal grabs a cigarette from one of them and goes for KB with it. The Boss isn’t out of it yet though as he hits a dropkick to the knee and sends Norcal face first into the concrete. Rolling him over, KB pounds away with everything he has, driving his bare knuckles into the side of the head of Norcal and BITING the cut on the monster’s face. A massive headbutt puts Norcal’s head on the ground and the referee slaps the ground, giving KB a 1-0 lead! Make that 2! 3! By the time he’s at 6 Norcal has his shoulder up and we have 24:19 to go.
Given the chance, KB has wandered off a bit, heading over to the nect building over: an S&M shop. Moments later he emerges from the building with a pair of handcuffs and a man shouting that he has to pay for those. KB shouts at his assistant to buy the store as he kicks Norcal in the ribs. With the handcuffs ready, KB goes for Norcal’s wrists, but the big man is ready for him! A Sky High on the concrete puts KB down and down for a LONG time! Long enough that at the end of it the score is 11-6 Norcal! As the Boss gets up, Norcal has him, handcuffing his arms behind his back and then just going OFF on the face of the two time world champion. Shouting insults and derogatory lines at KB, Norcal just pummels him to the point where KB’s nose is clearly broken, his left eye is swollen shut and his mouth is bleeding terribly. Back into the building we go as this hasn’t come anywhere near the arena yet. Norcal finds a pipe from somewhere and gets KB up against a wall for a totally clean shot to the ribs with it. Then another. Another. A FOURTH unprotected shot to the ribs and KB is just out as 22:06. Norcal punts him in his face to turn him over and orders the referee to count. The man in the striped shirt says he can’t though because KB’s shoulders are up due to his arms being pinned behind him. After an overly long argument, Norcal snaps, slamming the referee into the wall over and over again. He throws knees at his ribs and then in an absolutely criminal assault, holds the side of the referee’s head to the wall and punches him perfectly in the jaw, resulting in a crunching sound that only could have been his jaw shattering. With 19:11 to go in the “match”, KB is dead weight and we’re going into the arena.
At the top of a flight of stairs, both men are just bloody messes. A second referee is here not but keeps his distance from Norcal for obvious reasons. An entire row of fans nearly runs away as KB is knocked onto the floor in front of them and his blood flows freely, both from his nose and up from inside of him because of the pipe shots earlier. Having finally reached the end, there is a fiendish gleam in the eye of the monster. He lifts KB up onto his shoulders in a reverse fireman’s carry and them flips him into the air in a reverse FU, sending his ribs and stomach into the hand rail in the aisle, likely shattering whatever was left of KB’s ribcage. The Boss tries in vain to get in a breath of air as Norcal looks down on him and shouts HOW DOES IT FEEL KB? HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NOT BE ABLE TO BREATHE??? Norcal spits in KB’s face, much to the booing of the crowd. KB looks up at him and BITES HIS NOSE! KB spins his head around as much as he can, ripping and tearing at the flesh of Norcal’s nose. The big man screams bloody murder as he tries to get away but he’s caught. Finally, after nearly 10 seconds of pure agony he punches KB in the ribs to break up his death grip, but a fairly large piece of Norcal’s nose is gone, and looking down at KB, Norcal has it spit back in his face. And that did it. With 16:06 to go, Norcal grabs KB up off the ground and literally kicks him down the stairs. KB bounces down, hitting his head at least twice on the concrete. Landing on his stomach, KB tries to get to his feet and simply can’t. Norcal comes thundering down the steps after him and grabs him by the cuffs, ripping them off (they cost 6 dollars. How sturdy did you think they were?) and sadistically smiling. KB is thrown over the guard rail, but not before being choked on it as we hit 14:45. KB’s labored breathing really is a scary sound to hear. Norcal, the saint that he is, begins to peal back the mats. He picks up the limp body of KB and gives a throat slit but KB lands a right hand to the groin of Norcal, and there’s the DDT! KB hit the DDT on the concrete floor and Norcal is OUT LIKE A LIGHT!
KB manages to shove the big man over and the referee starts the count. With 14 minutes even to go in the match it’s all tied up at 11 and Norcal’s cut is wide open now, pouring out blood all over his face and landing on the ground. KB has managed to get onto a knee with his ribs completely purple. He gets to his feet but can barely stand up as he leans against the apron. After a count of 28, Norcail is beginning to stir. He’s sitting up at 39, making the score 35-11 at 13:39. KB is waiting on his though with the wrench the time keeper uses to ring the bell. He swings and misses though as Norcal slides under the ring and gets a perfect position to kick KB in the side of the knee, which buckles inward. KB keels over in pain as Norcal lands a double axe to the back. Staggered by the loss of blood but spurred on by the nose issue, Norcal isn’t as intense as he was moments before, likely suffering from a severe concussion. His hatred for KB is enough to keep himself going though as there are thirteen minutes to go in this fight. Norcal sets KB’s head up against the post and sets for a big boot but KB gets out of the way just in time. He is able to grab the leg and wrap it around the post and slams the knee into the steel many times. KB grabs the other leg and hooks it around the piece of metal that connects the turnbuckle to the ring so that Norcal is in outside of the ring Tree of Woe. Using the wrench from earlier, KB puts it over the neck of Norcal and pulls back, trying to choke the life out of the big man. His body goes limp after struggling for a good while and the big man is out. KB loosens his legs and lets him hit the ground, but as he goes to turn him over for counts, Norcal springs to life and grabs KB by the throat. From his KNEES, he throws KB into the steel railing and pounces on him, throwing punch after punch in the mounted position, reopening KB’s bloody mouth and further injuring his nose. With KB nearly out, Norcal bends down and bites KB’s nose as well, removing a piece of flesh of his own and spitting it in KB’s face. A final right hand between the eyes makes the referee start his count with 10:02 to go.
Norcal staggers away as he tries to get some feeling back into his knees as the referee is up to 14. He stumbles over to the announcers table and gets his hands on a chair. And then he makes his mistake: he stops to yell at a fan. When the referee hits 24 and thereby ties the match up, KB pulls himself up using the guardrail, but Norcal doesn’t see it. The Boss is in the ring at 9 minutes even and sees Norcal looking the other way. Using most of what he has left, KB gets something close to a running start and launches himself through the ropes in a suicide dive. Norcal has the chair in his hands and has his face slammed into it as he is speared from behind, sending him into the guard rail where he collapses to the ground face first. KB is in the front row and holding his ribs on his side. Both men are barely moving but neither can be counted due to the way they landed. The referee isn’t sure of what to do as we hit 8 minutes. About 20 seconds later Norcal is almost back to his knees but KB kicks the guard rail into his face to send him down again, this time onto his back! It gets four and KB is pulling himself up again with seven minutes and fifteen seconds to go and the score KB 39, Norcal 35. Norcal is up as well and KB is standing on the guard rail. He dives off with a clothesline but Norcal catches him in the SKY HIGH ON THE FLOOR! Both men are down but both men are down on their backs! The referee counts both to 24, but Norcal turns over near the end, breaking his count. KB turns over a few seconds later, giving Norcal a two point lead at 6:32 left and the score KB 57 and Norcal 59. Norcal is nearly spent, but KB has the score told to him and from somewhere he finds some adrenaline. With a HUGE right hand, KB sends Norcal flying backwards. He hits a big backhand chop and another as HERE COMES THE BOSS! KB gets another big right hand and Norcal is reeling! KB rips off his shirt, revealing another one under it bearing the words EMBRACE THE DARKNES, morphing into Dark KB right before out eyes!
With 6 minutes to go and down two points, KB is on a roll. The Might One is getting rocked and has no other choice other than to just cover up. KB gets his hands on the chair from earlier and CRACKS it over the spine of Norcal, sending him to his knees in pain. KB pulls back and just CRUSHES his face with a huge swing, sending Norcal’s eyes back into his head and his body down to the ground. That’s not enough for KB though as he lifts Norcal’s limp body off the ground and shouts that he’s just getting started. Norcal’s face meets the post and into the ring we go for the first time in the match. With five minutes to go, Norcal is whipped into the corner and followed quickly by a running clothesline. Another superkick connects with his jaw and he just collapses into the corner, completely spent. KB goes Rattlesnake and kicks the living hell out of Norcal, ramming his fott into the face and chest of the American Hero for nearly twenty seconds. KB STILL isn’t done though as he picks Norcal up off the mat and stands him up in the middle of the ring at 4 minutes left. A BIG flying tackle and down goes Norcal one more time! The referee can’t get a count though as KB picks him up and does it one more time! A third and Norcal can’t even stand up. KB kicks him square in the face and knocks him to the mat, again on his face though. With nothing else to do, KB goes to the apron and just waits. With two and a half minutes to go, his opponent is on his feet. KB jumps to the top rope and hits a picture perfect springboard spinwheel kick to the jaw of Norcal, sending him down and out to the floor on his back! The count begins again and KB takes the lead with a minute and 8 seconds to go! KB paces back and forth in the ring like a caged animal watching the clock, At 44 seconds to go, Norcal is stirring again and the clock stops. KB takes the clue and sets for another suicide dive! It connects as well, but this time square in the face of the chair that KB had used earlier! He launched himself like a torpedo straight at Norcal and ate nothing but chair! With 27 seconds to go KB is out of it on the floor and the referee is counting again! Norcal is laid up against the railing gasping for breath. The clock is at 6 seconds and the count continues. With a second to go, KB gets his shoulder up, ending the count as the bell rings.
Both men are DEAD as the referee consults with the time keeper. You can feel the audience just being completely spent as the match finally ends. Here is the official decision.
“The official score stands as follows: Mighty Norcal: 83. KB: 83! This match will CONTINUE, under SUDDEN DEATH RULES. This is a last man standing match. The first person on their backs for ONE SECOND loses. RING THE FUCKING BELL!
AND IT’S ON AGAIN! KB and Norcal are right where they started, trading punches up the ramp. Norcal has the advantage this time though, knocking KB up the ramp but missing a charge as he goes through the curtain. KB hits a back elbow and Norcal is knocks to a knee. The fact that these two men are still breathing is a miracle in and of itself. KB slams Norcal’s head into a wall with meager strength as the battle continues. And we are in the kitchen. Norcal grabs a rolling pin and knocks him backwards into the sink. KB grabs the dishwasher and lunges at Norcal, choking away at him with whatever he has left. The American Hero hits an elbow into the injured ribs and pulls open a hot oven! HE TRIES TO PUT KB’S HEAD IN THE OVEN! KB fights back, possibly for his life in this case. He manages to get a low blow in to fight off Norcal and staggers out of the room with Norcal a few steps behind. Norcal staggers out and chases after KB back into the arena. We’re on the stage now and the fight is on again! It’s a slugout here, with KB and Norcal giving everything they have for a single knockdown. KB hits a knee to the ribs and goes for the DDT. Norcal rams him into the stage wall to break it up and sets for Sky High. KB goes for a hurricanrana to escape and Norcal is down on his stomach and shaking his head. KB goes for him again and DDT! KB got the DDT and Norcal is out again!
KB is sitting down on the stage and Norcal is face first on it, out cold. KB picks Norcal’s head up and glares down at him before trying to turn him over. But Norcal knocks the hand away and jumps to his feet. He whips KB into the stage wall again and there it is: Norcal grabs him under the arms and lifts him into air, throwing him forward and OFF THE STAGE with SKY HIGH! NORCAL IS THE OCW CHAMPION!!! Real American plays as Norcal is presented with the OCW Title and the lights go out again.
Back on four men in black have Norcal and throw him off the stage. The OCW banner lights on fire behind them as they stand in line in front of it, a title belt in each hand. The show closes with this image:
TUNE INTO APOCOLYPSE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!
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he had me down pat.
