Horror Movies Get Cracked
4 signs that you are in a horror movie
So, having created a thread a couple of days ago looking at the problem with Slasher flicks, I decided to go a little deeper. Firstly because I am in the habit of writing about things that very little care about and secondly because I care, Damn it! Nevertheless, it is a good way to open up the Movie Editorials Thread that you are now so eloquently reading. So, given that we have established that you want to be here, let me go ahead and welcome to you to something which cannot be unseen. You see, this particular entry into this thread may make you hate horror movies forever. But then again, misery loves company and if I can't enjoy a horror movie without automatically knowing who is going to die, then you people are going down with me.
I am no expert on horror movies but looking at them now, when I am definitely not a prepubescent little boy, the frightfulness that was common in horror movies, has now worn off like a roofie on a blind date. And yes, sometimes I do wake up afterwards feeling dirty with a sore head. However, watching Horror movies is one of the finest things one can do to oneself. Nothing beats the adrenaline rush of watching a ghost faced killer stalk his prey until they can't run any more. But given that I, as an intelligent male being, am smarter that your average horror movie antagonist, I have come up with a definite way of deciding if you are in a horror movie.
So, sit back, take a sip of from your favourite blood-stained glass amateur serial killers because I am bringing your game to a whole new level with my guide to realising you are in a horror movie.
Sign 1 - You are a twenty-something with no career prospects
Yes, you can bet your sweet ass that if you are batting a below average GPA, then your are going to find yourself hanging from a meat-hook in an hours time. I don't know what it is that make stupid people's blood smell like McDonald's to serial killers but it is always the place of the imbecile to die first. If you find that you are any of the following, then you are not going to see out this trial...
1) Popular
2) Good Looking
3) Rich
The funny thing id that all three of these seem to come as a bargain from the Lord when he creates dumb people. Yes, you may be blessed with the facial features of a young Matt Damon, and you may be the Homecoming King this year but by the end of the serial killer's bloody rage, you are going to find yourself wishing that you looked like Susan Boyle and lived in a cave like Osama Bin Laden. Think about this, in my favourite horror franchise, Scream, there is no mention of Sidney Prescott being a genius. In fact, it is later revealed in the series that she only manages to capitalize on the fame that her near death experience brought her.
This rule has been challenged more and more by later horror movies that have no qualms with killing off the main character to get a shock out of the audience. Yet, when you see your next horror movie, I bet you will be looking for the teenager that has her own house or has a bulging wallet. Don't get too attached, they are going to be first one outlined by chalk.
Example:
The sheer stupidity in this scene just blinds me sometimes. Not only does she have multiple times where she could make a break for it and leave the killer rummaging around in her sock drawer, she also has a fucking phone to her ear. I mean, why not hang the fuck up and call the police? I mean the killer tells her that they wont arrive in time but is it really going to hurt your chances? I think not.
Sign 2 You don't take main roads when walking
Why is that peculiar places always seem to be the most favourable places for our protagonist and beyond? I mean, there is a large wooded area only 5 minutes walk from where I lice. It meets all the criteria for being scary, you know? It is dark, homeless people live there and you can't see where you are going because the sun is being blocked out by a mass of wood. Now, my question to you is:
Who in their right mind would go to these places when there is a serial killer on the loose?
And it is not just wooded areas that it is confined too. Oh no! Cemeteries are another awesome hangout place when your sleepy town is being stalked by a crazy man with a hook for a hand and no sense of mercy. Being that anyone with half a fucking brain cell would stay out of the creepiest places in the town when people start going missing and being found disembowelled tied to a nearby tree, tell me what is the attraction of not taking the main roads. Oh, that's right! You don't have a fucking brain. I am not a serial killer but if I ever was, I think I would be killing these people just out of sheer principal. Are they too stupid to continue living on this Earth? Quite probably.
Mark my words though, not even Bear Grills would be able to survive in the woods when there is a killer on the loose. Be smart, stay out of the fucking creepiest places imaginable.
Sign 3 No car journey ever goes to plan
You may or may not know of the movie The Hitcher but I did do a quick review of it in the Bullshitting thread, which you should check out. This movie is supposed to be about a lunatics appetite for chaos and blood. What it taught me was that no car journey will ever go the way it should. Whether that means you will be running down a poor fisherman with your Dad's car at 2 in the morning (a la I Know What You Did Last Summer). Or, it could be that you will end up eating gravel as your car comes to rest on an embankment (a la The Hitcher). Or finally, it could be that you have picked up a mad man hell bent on your death (a la Penny Dreadful).
Still, you can almost be sure that unless you have the Michelin Man inside the car with you or and a representative from AAA in your back seat, then you are going to find that your new Ford Mustang is not going to stop the vengeful blood-lust of a loony in a hood with a skewer.
That movie just seems to hit all the right spots, doesn't it? Not only does she hit the psycho with her car, she then offers to give said psychopath a lift to wherever he wants to go. Never mind the fact that he is currently in the possession of 20 skewers that could easily go through your flesh! No, it must be all the cooking he does in the pouring rain in the middle of nowhere. Bottom line is that if you are driving in the rain and you have a sketchy past, then you are not long for this world, my friend.
Sign 4 You, your family or your house have a sketchy past
Seriously, this has got to be one of the biggest clichés in horror. No longer is there innocent people in horror movies. If you name any movie protagonist at all, I am willing to be that they have some sort of sketchy past. Sidney Prescott had the rape/homicide of her mother to deal with and the entire cast of I Know What You Did Last Summer actually killed a guy and dumped his body in a lake! But it all doesn't come down to having a past that would put Lindsay Lohan to shame, no!
What;s more is important is that you stay out of the way where gruesome murders happen as a daily occurrence. Here's the thing, how hard it must have been for the parents of kids to sign parental slips for going to Summer Camp at Camp Crystal Lake? Given that a child apparently drowned there only one year before that, I can see why parents would be more than willing to sign off on their kids visiting that hot-spot of social activity! And this one is for you, Annie. Don't go to the same place after a double fucking homicide! Seriously, the sheer stupidity of that just astounds me.
Here;s another tip. If your estate agent seems a little sketchy, definitely don't buy the house that he is trying to sell to you. When you realise that the House of dreams is going for half it's real value, it is now the time that you want to start asking questions about why. How about these little ice-breakers?
Why is there scratches all over the walls?
Why is the kitchen chairs stacked on top of each other?
What is that groaning I can hear coming from the basement?
Those are just some of the questions that you should be looking to ask when the estate agent decides that he is going to stand outside the house whilst you check it out. If his hands are shaking and you are struggling to hear him over the restless torures soul screaming at you from the attic of your dream house, then it is probably a mistake to start living there on a permanent basis.
Some things to remember to avoid being the next victim of a bloody rage:
Get a phone that gets coverage in all situations: It might be difficult but if you want to live, then you will find a way.
If your kid is acting like it is possessed, take it outside and throw into oncoming traffic.
Never run to the nearest house when being chased, they are always in on it or ridiculously stupid.
Never say You will be right back... You wont be.
Find it in the Movies and TV forum. Everyone is welcomed to post their thoughts or their own editorial.
Thoughts?
