Becky Serra looked down at the card one more time.
"Randy Studd.
Part time wrestler, full time heartthrob."
She looked up from the card to see the self-claimed Adonis preening himself in the reflection of her office window at WZCW towers. She watched in bemusement as the all 152,425 hairs on his head were meticulously put into place. He was wearing a t-shirt a size too small that revealed his muscular physique beneath an open blazer. There was something attractive about him, no doubt, but he was unbearably repulsive at the same time. A dichotomy of disgustingness. She began to speak.
"Mr. Studd, it says here that you are a part time wrestler. Why are you seeking full time employment?"
Very slowly, Studd began to remove himself from the trance of narcissism he found himself in.
"Well..." he replied "those cards are quite old. And you see, I got a lot made and I don't give many out..."
The penny dropped for Becky "ohhhh because people aren't interested in your heart-throb services?"
"NO!" he exclaimed "Because my reputation proceeds me. You see, all of the men want to be me, and the women, well they want to be with me. And the thing is, you don't need a card to tell you that when you can just look at the total package and just know. You know? You know..."
Becky did not know. This guy was clearly a tool, but maybe he had what it took. With the recent departures of some big names, WZCW certainly needed fresh blood, but did it need blood that was pumping through a six-foot-tall phallus? Probably not. She decided to see his credentials.
"You know ordinarily I wouldn't offer anyone who walks through the door a deal. We have too many guys and girls who come in and make no impression. What can you offer me that nobody else can"
She looked up to see Studd biting his lower lip and pointing to his crotch, where he had clearly stuffed a pair of socks in his jeans. Becky was nonplussed by this, to Randy's complete and utter surprise.
"No, Mr Studd, I'm not interested in anything you have to offer outside of the wrestling ring..."
Like a flash, Studd interrupted, his words gradually becoming more melodic until he started singing, both out of time and tune.
"But I have so much to give outside the ring. This body? Money. This style? Money. Thiiiis voooiiiiice? Monaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
"I'VE HEARD ENOUGH!!"
Studd smiled and pulled the lapels on his blazer, delighted that Becky had seen what he could offer vocally. He allowed Becky to continue.
"Right, Mr. Studd, please let's focus on the wrestling. Not the singing, not the abs, the wrestling. If I were to offer you a spot in the Gold Rush tournament, purely hypothetically, what would you seek to do with that opportunity?"
Studd pondered.
"Well, I'd win it all. You see, when it comes to women, I'm an equal opportunities lover. They could be black or white or brown or yellow or red..."
Becky interjected "I'd just like to stop you there. Firstly, some of the 'equal opportunities' you describe there are pretty insensitive. And secondly, that has absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked, but please, if you can answer it, get on and do it."
"You see, you didn't let me finish. When I'm in charge, the lady always finishes, and I expect that in return. I was saying that I'm an equal opportunities lover when it comes to the ladies, but I'm an equal opportunities fighter when it comes to the men. I don't really care if the they're big or small, high flyers or power bott.., I mean power guys, or technical or brutish, I smash through them all. So I can enter your tournament knowing that whatever the chocolate box selection of wrestlers that get sent my way look like, I will devour them all. And then do some HIIT so I don't lose my edges."
"O...k... What if I told you that the opponent you'd most likely face in the first round was a woman?"
"I'd say I'd beat her so I progressed in the tournament or let her beat me so I progressed in the tournament. If you know what I'm saying."
"Everyone always knows what you're saying"
"Yeah, well, I'd have no problem facing a woman, and to be honest it makes my life easier, because once she's gone weak at the knees, I can have my way with her!"
"You might want to reconsider that, there's a certain...implication. Anyway, if I do put you in the tournament, you'll face Yemrez Reqonic."
Studd thought for what he thought was a millisecond, but was actually about six full seconds.
"Well with a name like that, she should be use to a bit of a mouthful. I'm gonna show her that I can be a bit of a handful..."
"Riiight. Do you know anything about this woman?"
"I prefer to look at the pictures than read the article"
"Shocking. Well, she's a formidable fighter, from Estonia"
"Which state is Estonia in?"
"It's not in any state, it's an independent country that used to be in the Soviet Union"
"Well, let's just say that there won't be any Union for Randy Studd, I'm a one night kind of guy, and I'll beat Yemrez in one night. Then.. well.. we'll see."
"You don't know what the Soviet Union is, do you?"
"Of course I do" said Studd, very unconvincingly.
"It was a Communist country that has now split into many smaller ones like Russia"
"So she's Russian? Well, she'll be Rushin' to tell all her pals what a hot stud Randy Studd is"
"She's not Russian, she's Estonian"
"Like that British guy with the hair? Boris Johnson. I saw on the news that he's an Old Estonian"
"That's Etonian, it's a private school in England where Prince William went."
"So this Yemrez chick went to school with Prince William? Wow. Well I'm going to take her back to school."
Becky Serra had reached the limit of her patience. While it was true that this guy had a look, he also had no charm whatsoever. Could he be a future champion? Unlikely. Could he be a great ambassador? Certainly not. Giving this guy a microphone would make the suffragettes turn in their graves, but by the same token, people would pay to see a fool like this get beaten up. Against her better judgement, she made a decision.
"Ok, I'll give you a shot"
Studd was elated "thank you so much! I should give you a shot to say thanks, but I won't. I know that bitches need respect, and that's what I'm going to do."
Becky Serra immediately regretted her decision.