"So there I was, flying to meet Matt, sailing high above the largest ocean on planet Earth. I was seated next to this man who I had tried to start conversation with, but the only words he had uttered were to order his Bloody Mary. So I was sitting there reading this really arduous magazine article about a third world country that I could barely pronounce the name of. I was feeling very bored and very despondent. Suddenly there was a huge mechanical failure and one of the engines gave out. So we start falling thirty thousand feet. The pilot comes on the microphone and he is saying 'Im sorry, Im sorry, oh my god
I'm sorry' and apologizing, and I look to the man next to me and I ask 'Where are we going?' And he looks at me, 'Were going to a party. It, its a birthday party. Its your birthday party, happy birthday, darling. We love you very, very, very, very, very, very, very much.' And then um, he starts humming this little tune, and, and uh it kinda goes like this, it's kinda one two one two three four...."
"Let me stop you right there and say I have zero interest in the rest of this dream."
The woman who was seated next to me was dressed to the nines in business clothing. She had expressed no interest in my life as a professional wrestler, nor did she care the least bit that I was technically famous. Even when I had tried to nap, I couldn't shake the feeling of her ever present judging.
"Okay whatever, I'm just trying to make conversation, be friendly."
I sat up in my seat and craned my neck back to see Matt a few rows back from me. He was sitting between two children and appeared to be having a much better time than I was. I decided to go visit him. I climbed over the witch who was sitting next to me, much to her chagrin, and walked a few rows back to where Matt was seated.
"Sup?"
"Just hanging with the two newest members of Team Live Mas. This is Eric and this is Julian, and they may be our biggest fans on Earth."
I stuck my fist out and each of the boys bumped me. They seemed very excited that they were getting to fly with two of their favorite wrestlers.
"So guys, who is your favorite member of Live Mas, me or Mikey?"
"Matt Tastic!" They both shouted in unison.
My heart sank a bit. Sure Matt was more successful but I had hoped at least one of them would have said I was their favorite.
"I guess that proves that I am the superior member of Live Mas and that you lick butts."
Matt had a nice chuckle with the boys, who found my potential butt licking to be hilarious.
"Whatever you three, everyone knows that I'm the bomb!"
A hush suddenly fell over the plane. Matt then whispered to me.
"Dude you can't say bomb on a plane."
I spoke in my normal voice.
"Why can't I say bomb?"
"It is just something that you shouldn't do, it can get you in a lot of trouble. It is like yelling fire in a movie theater."
"Wait. You are telling me that you can't say bomb on a plane and you can't yell fire in a movie theater. What if there is a bomb on the plane?"
Suddenly a frightened yell came from the very back of the plane.
"Oh my God, there is a bomb on the plane!"
A stewardess quickly made her way over to me and asked that I calm down.
"Sir I have to ask that you quit saying bomb and scaring the passengers or we will be forced to make an emergency landing."
"I don't see what the big deal is. Why can't I say bomb? I am the bomb after all."
Suddenly an air marshal tackled me to the ground and put me in handcuffs. I tried to explain to him that there was nothing wrong, but he hit me over the head and knocked me unconscious, as the next thing I remember Matt and I were in an airport holding cell somewhere in India.
"That asshole was clearly a Cerberus fan. Why else would he act like such a prick?"
Matt shook his head and let out a deep sigh.
"You know I can honestly say that before I became your friend, not once was I ever in jail, or being harassed by TSA agents and air marshals, or any of the shit that you get us into. You are like a child. You need constant supervision or you get yourself or us into trouble."
"I just know how to have fun."
"Is your idea of fun taking illegal drugs and wrecking my grandpa's house? Is your idea of fun getting thrown in an airport jail or a Mexican jail? Is your idea of fun kissing your former best friend's wife? Because all of these things have happened since I started to hang out with you!"
"You don't have to be a dick about it."
"Look, I'm sorry. Its just that we have a big match coming up, and I don't want you to lose sight of what is on the line. If we win, not only do we end the tyranny of Cerberus' reign, but I will go down in history as a grand slam champion. And you, you will solidify yourself as the best tag team wrestler of all time. No one has ever won three tag titles, you could be the first to do it. I just want us to both achieve our goals."
Before I could speak, the guard informed us that we were being let go, as there was nothing they could charge us on. It was a relatively short ride from the airport to the Shaolin temple, where Gyatso was waiting for us.
"The two of you are late."
"We can into some trouble at the airport, we are sorry to keep you waiting."
I nodded my head.
"It's mostly my fault."
"It is all your fault, but that is beside the point. We are ready for our training."
"First, due to your upcoming match, you will fight thirty, three headed dogs."
"Bring it on!"
"He isn't serious. There are no such things as three headed dogs."
"Do not be so sure, Matthew."
Suddenly we were attacked by wolves. We did our best to fight them off as Gyatso looked on. Once we had fought off the first three wolves, more came. We fought wolves for what felt like hours, until eventually thirty dead wolves lie at our feet. We were exhausted after fighting thirty wolves hand to hand, and we bore the scars of battle.
I was breathing heavily and bleeding from the mouth as I spoke.
"Are we finished yet?"
"No, you must now fight our champion wolves."
Two monks lead two giant wolves our way. They were massive, each standing at our shoulders, each weighing at least two hundred pounds, they were massive.
"Once you defeat these wolves, you can defeat any challenge."
The two monks holding the wolves back let them go and they charged at us. Exhausted we fought on. The wolves had the upper hand, until Matt and I started to work together. We used combo moves and called out to each other when we were about to be attacked. Eventually we had the wolves on the ropes and were ready to finish them off when Gyatso called us off.
"That is enough. You have proven to me that you are ready for the next part of your training."
Both Matt and I fell to the ground, spent.
"What do you mean next part? We just kicked the ass of every wolf you have in the sanctuary."
"None of them had three heads though."
"That didn't prevent that one from biting you in the ass."
"You have proven to me that you can handle almost anything that I throw at you, but there is one more trial you must complete."
Matt sat up, but I was too tired to move.
"What is it master?"
"You must prove your ability to work together. I have watched the two of you for many days while you have trained with us. Matt, you are worried that Mikey may not be strong enough to carry you to the promised land that you so desire. And Mikey, you fear that no matter what you do, Matt will leave you like all of your past friends have...."
I cut Gyatso off.
"How do you know that just from watching us train?"
"I have picked up on the vibes that the two of you give off, it is not unlike many of the other young monks who came here in pairs, always afraid to let the other down. So I will task you with one final test, but first I shall allow the two of you to rest and collect your strength, it shall be needed. Meet be back here at this time tomorrow, and your final trial shall begin.'
Gyatso walked off and left Matt and I alone.
"Dude we delivered kick assery to those wolves, there is nothing that can stop us. This win is our destiny."
"Don't use the word destiny."
"Why not? This win will be ours. Finally someone will topple Cerberus. It is our destiny Mikey."
I sat up, using what little strength I had left.
"I want to tell you a story, about the first time I ever felt abandoned by someone close to me."
I took a deep breath.
"This is on a bus back from camp. I'm thirteen, and so was she. Before I left for camp I imagined it would be me and three or four other dudes I hadnt met yet, running around all summer, getting into trouble. It turned out it would be me and just one girl. were still at camp as long as were on the bus and not at the pickup point where our parents would be waiting for us. Were still wearing our orange camp t-shirts. We still smell like pine needles. I like her and she likes me and I more than like her, but I don't know if she does or doesn't more than like me. She never said. So I havent been saying anything all summer, content to enjoy the small miracle of a girl choosing to talk to me and choosing to do so again the next day and so on. A girl whos smart and funny and who, if I say something dumb for a laugh, is willing to say something two or three times as dumb to make me laugh, but who also gets weird and wise sometimes in a way I could never be. A girl who reads books that no ones assigned to her, whose curly brown hair has a line running through it from where she put a tie to hold it up while it was still wet."
I shift my weight and pull a bottle of water from my bag and take a sip.
"Back in the real world we didn't go to the same school, and unless one of our families moves to a drastically new neighborhood, we won't go to the same high school. So that was kind of it for us, unless I say something, and it might be especially it for us if I did say something. The sun had gone down and a lot of kids were asleep on the bus. We were talking in whispers about this tree we saw at a rest stop that looked like one of the other kids. And then Im like, 'Can I tell you something?' Then all of a sudden I'm telling her. And I keep telling her and it all comes out of me and it keeps coming and her face is there and gone and there and gone as we pass underneath the orange lamps that line the sides of the highway. And theres no expression on it. And I think just after a point Im just talking to lengthen the time where we live in a world where she hasn't said 'yes' or 'no' yet. And regrettably I end up using the word destiny. I dont remember in what context. Doesnt matter. Before long Im out of stuff to say and she smiles and says 'okay.' I dont know exactly what she meant by it, but it seemed vaguely positive and I would have left in order not to spoil the moment, but theres nowhere to go because we were on a bus. So I pretended like I was asleep and before long, I really was."
I took another sip of water.
"When I woke up, the bus wasn't moving anymore. The domed lights that line the center aisle were all on. I turned and she was not there, then again a lot of kids weren't there anymore. We were parked at the pick up point, which was the parking lot of a Methodist church. The bus is half empty, she might have been in her dad's car by then, her bags and things piled in the trunk. The girls in the back of the bus were shrieking and laughing and taking their sweet time disembarking as I swung my legs out into the aisle to get up off the bus, just as one of them reached my row. It used to be our row, on our way off. Its Michelle, a girl who got suspended from third grade for a week after throwing rocks at my head. Adolescence is doing her a ton of favors body-wise. She stopped and looked down at me. And her head was blasted from behind by the dome light, so I couldn't really see her face, but I could see her smile. And she said one word, 'destiny.' Then her and the girls clogging the aisles behind her all laughed and then she turned and leads them off the bus. I didn't know she was friends with them."
I drank the last of my water as Matt listened to my story.
"I found my dad in the parking lot. He drove back to our house and summer was over, even though there were two weeks until school started back up. I wish I could say I got on the bus a boy and then got off that bus a man more cynical, hardened, and mature and shit, but thats not true. The truth is I got on the bus a boy, and I never got off the bus. I still havent. To this day I'm still just a little boy riding a bus, scared to death of being left alone again. I can't lose you Matt, we have to beat Cerberus, and I will do everything in my power to do so, because I know if I lose it will just prove to you that I was never strong enough to support you."
I stood up.
"So at Lethal Lottery, lets delivery kick assery and make sure that its Game Over for Cerberus. I don't want to lose you too."
